The Scholar's Mate

by GaryGibbon

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 2040

A mexican robot in the Chess Game. I'm just as confused as you are.

(A crossover with the Chess Game of the Gods universe)

Listen, ese, I've never heard of this Equestria place.

I've never heard of no Mine Little Ponies, either. I'm just an insurance salesman in his mid-life crisis, for the love of God! So when a bespectacled young man approaches me on my way home after a long day at work, asking if I want to go to a land of talking ponies, what do you think I'm going to say to him, huh?

And yet, here I am, stuck in this technicolour hellhole that's about to go down the same way my breakfast did this morning. I don't even have the dignity of being flesh and blood. I'm a chupacabra made of gold. I just want to go home and see my wife.

But hey, at least I'm amongst friends. If you can call a walking block of ice and a robot dog that hates your guts friends.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-06 01:14:01 UTC

Prologue: A Vision of War

It was supposed to be easy.

All they had to do was to choose another universe and colonize the first place they came across. It was supposed to be empty of sentient life, allowing them to easily claim the various territories in the name of Utopia, Atlantis, America, or whatever the hell nation the various soldiers belonged to.

Instead, they were transported to a crackpot world literally filled to the brim with angry crossbow-toting magical natives intent on wiping them out. What made it worse was that...Thing in the Sky that those natives were attempting to kill. They were caught in the middle of a battle, and the only thing they could've done was shoot. Shoot like their lives depended on it. And so shoot they did.

A few days earlier

"Aw shit, what the hell is that?!"

"I don't care! Open fire!"

A small detachment of soldiers wearing olive-green gas masks and brown trench coats began shooting at a mass of what appeared to be pure darkness, rushing towards the gilded wall the humans stood upon like a tidal wave. The darkness absorbed everything the humans threw at it; even the sparking currents of electricity the wall mounted coilguns spat out did little except slow it down. As it got closer, the beleaguered defenders could see forms taking shape in the shadows; crude doppelgängers of the native species of this universe that carried wicked looking blades and impossibly wide grins,as if anticipating the one-sided slaughter ahead. Panicked, the human defenders began to pray to whatever gods they worshipped and increased the hail of bullets and energy bolts, peppering the mass of darkness with deadly rain. Again, nothing happened. The humans began to fall back, leaving the wall guns where they were and in some cases diving off the side of the wall, landing safely. Some unfortunates were consumed by the shadows, shrieking as the hundreds of separate shades hacked them to pieces with blades forged of pure blackness. It seemed as if, after two days of non-stop siege warfare, the humans would be finally broken.

But all was not lost, however. Out of the blue, a bolt of pure light and energy struck the side of the monster, burning the incorporeal flesh and killing dozens of the shades that made up its large bulk, shortening the monster's height considerably. As it writhed in pain, a horrible stench of sulphur filled the air. The shadow turned to meet its attacker, and was rewarded with yet another blast of light-directly in its face. The monster screamed as the flesh on its face bubbled and flowed like water, the shades dissolving in the wake of the burst of energy. Again, the monster shrunk in size. The soldiers, seeing this, gained confidence, and began to fight back up the stairs, blasting the shades apart with chambered energy rounds or slicing them into pieces with electrically charged swords that glowed a molten red. Paying in blood for every step, the Home Guard forced their way up the stairs and back onto the wall, commandeering the wall guns as they did so. Earnestly, they lent their support to the fight, covering the monster in arcs of lightning and beams of energy. Thanks to the Peace Ray's effects, the monster could now feel the effects of the defenders, and it burned. The unholy abomination shrieked and flailed as it bubbled like a vat of tar over an industrial furnace, and eventually, it melted away into nothing. The soldiers stopped firing.

"We-we killed it!" A cheer went up. The soldiers held their guns in the air,pumping their fists in celebration. All but one failed to noticed the figure appear over the horizon.

Mr. N. Guy finally climbed over the steep hill that bordered the human camp. Even though he was glad to see that there were other humans here in...whatever this place was called, every single report made about the vast camp talked of nothing but "evil alien invaders" with "death beams" and "mutant zombies". He sighed. It seemed that these particular humans meant only ill will for...again, the name escaped him, and unfortunately he would have to crush them. He pulled out a crude firework and signalled to his warriors to attack, but not before sending a telepathic threat.

"Wait a minute, something just went off on that hill over there!"

"Give me that!"

The Custodian snatched the telescope out of his comrade's hands and brought the eyepiece up to the goggles on his gas mask, zooming in on the figure that stood on the horizon. He gasped.

"It's one of those ponies!"

"What? Wait! Give me the tele-"

Suddenly a voice cut into their head. It sounded like nails on a blackboard.

"Baw fa do me calan tal! Sa me'er fo barash notalia! Pirmatse iwa jopedh! Eh, parakh." Then the voice faded away. The one with the telescope was the first to speak.

"What in all that is holy was that?!"

"A threat." The defenders turned their heads and faced Clank, who had just spoken.

"I think you should pull out your guns, amigos. This is going to get very, very nasty." Clank turned to leave, but a soldier called out.

"And what are you going to do while we hold the line?" Clank slowly looked over his shoulder, and stared at the woman who had just spoken with his multi-faceted eyes.

"I'm going to kill that hijo de puta."

Using a telescope that he had received from one of the Chess Pieces as a peace offering (he forgot who), Mr. N. Guy saw the humans utterly ignore his warning and pull out a various assortment of weapons, training them on him. Actively grinning now, he completed the attack signals ,and watched his army launch the attack.

Like a well oiled engine, the private army of Mister Nice Guy launched their assault on the human camp. Earth ponies bedecked in heavy plate armour led the assault, followed by Diamond Dog shock troops. Unicorns, magic crackling around them, bolstered the ground troops, healing them and launching offensive spells at the bizarre aliens. Griffins and pegasai fleew through the air, raining crossbow darts at the wall's custodians. And brass-bore artillery, manned by technicians of all races, trundled into position, hammering lead-bore shot into the pristine defences that circled the alien position.

The humans nearly broke at the sight of the natives marching towards them, and several even fled the walls, yet somehow, the rest of the defenders stood strong, firing shot after shot into the warriors intent on butchering them. Different human soldiers appeared now; men that carried large-bore mortars and armed in heavy bomb disposal suits. As the other soldiers around them began to fall back, they planted their weapons in the marble surface, loaded these guns, and fired. A few seconds later, N.Guy's army began to break apart as the explosive mortar rounds rained upon them. Dozens of soldiers were obliterated with each blast, and, very slowly, the army began to falter. The ones that could fly fared little better, as poncho-wearing soldiers equipped with the same green gas masks suddenly flowed out of the cupolas and began shooting at them with what could only be presumed to be machine guns, although the way those bullets tracked the pegasi darting around the air before detonating in a haze of electricity seemed to suggest that that wasn't the case. The flyers eventually broke off the attack. His artillery, however, were still going strong, pounding the marble wall repeatedly and tearing chunks out of the defenders

Sensing this potential defeat, the semi-god gestured again, and the army began to separate and widen out, making the mortar shells much less efficient, only claiming a few with each round. However, to their credit, the mortar-men still kept on firing. Mr.N.Guy raised an eyebrow. It didn't make any sense. Their mortars were useless now, so why were they firing? Were they stubborn? Or just stupid?

Then a bugle sounded, and suddenly it all made sense.

As one, the Ordinators got to their feet and picked up their mortars, retreating down the brass steps. And from the east, something unlike anything in the entire history of Equestria happened. A massed cavalry charge.

As Mr. N. Guy stood completely dumbstruck at the turn of events, men and women wearing dark green officer uniforms with gold gas masks and brass motifs charged into the undead battleline atop thoroughbred horses that had been painted to resemble the Equestrians, as if to reinforce the dominance of humanity. They sprayed bullets into the mass of sentients before wielding cavalry sabres and slamming into the native forces with all the fury of a comet. Unicorns were trampled underfoot by the iron-shod hooves of the specially conditioned horses, whilst their riders hacked away with their blades, lopping off wings and legs. And in the middle of the foray, was a woman dressed in flowing gold fabric and aviator goggles, holding a pistol that spat bright green bolts of concentrated gamma radiation, and a sword that cut the very air itself when swung. And at the reins was a grossly enlarged monster of a spider, which trilled as it ripped off heads with its mandibles and pierced chests with its tarsi.

Against this force, the mass of natives finally broke, and they turned tail, running back up the hill, the human shock troops routing them and cutting down any stragglers. Mr. N. Guy swore as the military he had painstakingly assembled was instantaneously destroyed, crushed quickly and efficiently by the unknown intruders. He started to signal for the reserves to come in to support the main force, but when the artillery gunners around him began to explode as mortar shells impacted into the ground, he realized that he had lost this day. Looking back at the glimmering human camp, he galloped into the jungle-and collided straight into a mass of metal. He shook his head frustratedly and was about to telekinetically throw it out of his path- but then stopped as he realised what it was. Clank glared at the once-human maliciously.

"You aren't going anywhere today, pendejo." Mr. N. Guy responded by pulling out a pair of serrated short swords, his horn crackling with magical energy.

"Bring it, boltbucket."

"Is the portal ready yet, Dr. Freeman?"

"I'm sorry sir, but even with full power it'll take at least three more days to make the portal large enough to accommodate what's left of our expeditionary force!"

"Then you had better damn well hope that our fighting men and women hold the natives off for long enough! I knew that this whole thing was a bad idea! I told those idiots that choosing a universe at random was insane! But nooo, they said that it's perfectly fine, and nothing bad would happen! Well, apart from the bloodthirsty natives and the devil-spawn in the sky!" The man on the radio continued ranting for at least another five minutes. When he had calmed down, Freeman tentatively decided to speak again.

"Sir, the Spyglass..."

"What about it?"

"It's-it's ready. The Spyglass is ready for use sir."

"Is it? Well, I want-I want you to ready it. Whatever you do, do NOT activate it. We will use it when I deem it so."

"Sir, the damage those...things could do, it would be an immense crime against-"

"We shouldn't have ever come here. We have been here scant a week, and already the blood of thousands is on my hands, Dr. Freeman. I am going to have to write a letter of apology to each and every family of those brave men and women, for fighting and dying to save us from a bloody, certain death! I want to enact some measure of vengeance, as well as ensure that those natives who did the deed are wiped out. If the expedition come back with less than a thousand soldiers, I will be holding you and all your colleagues responsible for this mess."

"B-but sir-"

Unfortunately, the radio had been switched off. Dr. Freeman screamed in anger and knocked over a cup of coffee that had grown cold. All it did was stain the mauve carpet a soggy brown.