Caramel sat in front of his house doing nothing in particular while drinking a nice big glass of cold lemonade. Sure, he could have been doing something “productive”, like washing his dishes or watering the lawn, but he didn't feel like doing anything in particular. Work had been harder than usual, and he was very much feeling tired. The only reason he wasn’t sleeping was due to the near gallon of coffee he had guzzled down not more than an hour ago.
“Lazy” would have been the first thing many of the often workaholic ponies would have called him, to which Caramel would have probably replied that they could shove it where the sun didn’t shine.
“Hey, Caramel!” Somepony called out to him from the distance. He paid it no mind at first. After all, who would be calling to him at this time? He honestly couldn’t think of a single stallion or mare.
“Caramel, I’m talking to you!” The voice rang again, only now it was very loud and clear. Caramel groaned, lifted his shades, and set his eyes in the direction of the sound. Racing up to him with a worried expression on her face was Bon-Bon. She looked as if she had been running around town like a headless chicken.
At the sight, Caramel couldn’t help but wonder if there was yet another disaster looming in the horizon that Bon-Bon had bared witness to and was now racing to warn others of. After all, only in Ponyville could the day go from nice and quiet, to a fifty-meter tall purple dragon stomping all over the place causing thousands of bits in damage.
“Need. Help. Now!” Bon-Bon panted as she slowed her galloping.
Caramel lowered his shades and set his eyes on her. “Well, if it isn’t one of our town’s decoration experts,” he said, taking a sip of his drink. “What’d you want, and make it quick. I'm trying to relax here.”
She pointed her hoof towards the rest of the town. “Thunderlane. He needs help. Come on!” She grabbed him by the hoof and tried to have him stand up.
Caramel yanked his hoof away in reply. “You must be crazy if you think I’m moving from this chair, Bon.” He took another sip of his lemonade. “Now go away! You’re blocking my sunlight.”
Bon-Bon's brow furrowed. She prepared herself to yell at the stallion when Lyra approached from behind her.
“There you are,” Lyra said, stopping beside Bon-Bon to catch her breath. “I came as soon as I heard about Thunderlane’s break up!” She turned to look at Caramel. “You even found Caramel too. Great!”
“Wait a minute, I never said I was—” Caramel started.
But he did not get to finish his words as Lyra wrapped him in her golden telekinetic grip. “We're wasting time! Hooves should already be at Thunderlane's place!”
“But I don’t know what the heck’s goin on!” Caramel shouted.
“We’ll fill you in on the way, now come on!”
And so, without being able to say another word, Caramel was dragged away from his afternoon of relaxation and into the thick of a mess he had neither the energy nor desire to get involved in.
* * *
“Hey, Thunderlane! You there?” Bon-Bon asked right after she finished rapping on the door. After a full minute went by with no answer, she knocked on the door again. “Thunderlane, it’s Bon-Bon! Are you home?”
Caramel frowned and turned to Dr. Hooves. “Hey, Doc, why the heck are we here again?”
“To be supportive of our friend,” the doctor replied, a slight look of annoyance directed at Bon-Bon flashing in his eyes for the tiniest of instants. “Not like I had important research to do, or anything.”
Caramel nodded. “I hear ya. This is just how I wanted to spend my afternoon,” he said with a groan. “Going and giving a pat on the back to an overly mopey idiot.”
“You two are unbelievable!” Lyra turned to them with a scowl. “Can’t you think about somepony other than yourselves?”
“Now wait just a second there, Ms. Lyra. I didn’t say I was opposed to being here,” Hooves said in his defense before nodding towards Caramel. “If you’re gonna scold anypony, it’s our mutual friend here you should be directing your ire at.”
“Oh screw you, Doc,” Caramel snapped. “We both know this entire thing is pointless!”
“Thunderlane is our friend, and he’s hit a rough spot,” Lyra chided, looking between them both. “The least we can do is be there for him.”
“So he had a breakup. Big freakin’ deal!” Caramel shook his head. “If he can’t handle that on his own, then he may as well trade in his pair right now!”
Bon-Bon immediately turned around, both she and Lyra giving Caramel a glare that probably could have burned through steel. “The buck’s that supposed to mean?” Bon-Bon hissed.
Caramel sighed and rolled his eyes. “All I’m saying’s that Thunderlane’s a grown stallion. If he can’t handle something as simple as getting dumped, then why the heck bother with a relationship in the first place?”
“Implying that breakups are ‘simple’ is a bold claim, my friend,” the doctor chimed in, trying to draw some of the heat off from the two irritated mares. “Some of my research on relationships proves that such things can result in deep emotional scars that can affect future development and growth.” He sighed, “It also doesn’t help matters that this break-up was anything but simple. Didn’t you hear how it happened?”
“Doesn’t it usually involve a heated argument followed by a front door slamming shut?” Caramel asked, raising an eyebrow. “Or some other overly dramatic nonsense?”
“No.” Hooves shook his head. “He found her in bed with another… ah… hmm… how can I put this eloquently?”
Caramel was silent for a few seconds before he gave a humorless chuckle. “So Raindrops was gettin’ porked on the side? Even more pointless drama that shouldn’t even—”
“Well, might as well be blunt about it,” Hooves said. “With another mare, Caramel. He found her with another mare.”
Caramel blinked a few times. “C-come again?” he said, slapping one of his ears a couple of times.
Bon-Bon sighed. “Thunderlane found Raindrops in bed with another mare.”
Caramel stood silent for a short while before bursting into laughter. “Oh… wow!” He continued to let off genuine chuckles. “And here I thought you guys didn’t have senses of humor! Haha… ha… ha….” His laughter trailed off as he surveyed each of his friend’s faces, which did not show a shred of amusement. “You’re…” Caramel paused. “You are joking, right?”
Lyra pointed to her overly serious face. “Do you see me smiling right now?”
Caramel stared. “You’re kiddin’ me!”
“No.” Bon-Bon shook her head. “We’re not.”
“So…” Caramel began, the cogs in his head turning. “That means that…”
“That is indeed correct, my friend,” Hooves said as he nodded. “Thunderlane feels responsible for—”
“Raindrops is a lesbian?!” Caramel practically shouted in surprise, drawing the attention of a few passersby on the street in front of the house. “Sweet Celestia, damn well fooled me! And to think, all those times that she—”
“Caramel, while that is indeed the correct observation, it is not the point!” the doctor said, cutting him off. “It would seem that our mutual friend thinks that he himself is the cause of turning Raindrops into a seeker of the same gender’s affection!” he finished, the expression on his face dead serious.
“Wait… waitwaitwaitwait, WAIT!” Caramel raised an eyebrow. “Thunder thinks he’s somehow turned Raindrops gay?”
Hooves shrugged. “While I can come up with a few hypotheses on why our friends thinks that, the real truth is that Ms. Raindrops seems to have always been into mares just as much as stallions.”
“So…” Caramel thought for a moment. “...she swings both ways then.”
The Doctor nodded. “More or less, making this a classic case of infidelity, my friend.”
Thunderlane turned to Bon-Bon and Lyra. “You two made it sound like this was serious!”
“This is serious!” Lyra replied.
“Serious enough that the four of us are needed here,” the doctor clarified. “Though, I’d much rather be in my laboratory getting actual work done…” He muttered under his breath just low enough that he believed nopony could hear him.
Caramel looked between them all, the severity of the situation suddenly setting in. “Well… damn. I’ve heard a lot of breakup stories before, but this is a new one!”
“Sad as it is to admit it as a scientist, I cannot argue with your conclusion on the matter,” the doctor agreed.
“Alright, fine.” Caramel sighed. “Let’s go give some empty words of encouragement to the big lug.”
“Keep talking like that, and this entire thing may as well be pointless,” Lyra said with a frown.
“To me, this entire thing already is pointless,” Caramel replied.
Lyra rolled her eyes as she turned back, just as Bon-Bon once again rapped on the door. “Thunderlane, we just wanna talk,” she called out. “Come on, let us in!”
Another minute went by with no response of any kind.
“Here.” Lyra stepped forward. “Let me try something.”
“Uhh…no offense sweetie…” Bon-Bon began. “...but I’ve known him a lot longer than you have, and if he won’t answer for me then I sincerely doubt that he would fo—”
Bon-Bon cut herself off as Lyra’s horn lit up, the same glow encompassing the doorknob. Lyra furrowed her brow in concentration for a few seconds before there was a click from the lock. Her horn then shut off before she reached up and pushed the door open, turning to the others with a triumphant smile. “Tada,” she said cheerfully to her stunned friends—and Caramel.
Caramel looked between Lyra and the open door a few times before raising an eyebrow. “You know, between the fact that a spell like that exists, and that you can cast it so easily, I am going to feel a lot less safe at night.”
“Uh, sweetie… where did you learn that?” Bon-Bon asked.
Lyra’s smile broadened. “Oh, nowhere in particular,” she said before giving her friend a wink.
Bon-Bon walked up next to her friend, pressing her head close to Lyra’s ear. “You were reading my agent manual, weren’t you?”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “Hey, you can’t deny how useful a skill it is.”
“That’s not the point! That’s supposed to be strictly classified information. No civies allowed!”
Lyra gave her friend a flat stare. “Really? A lockpicking spell’s classified information, agent Sweetie Drops?”
Bon-Bon’s brow furrowed.
Lyra and Bon-Bon continued to argue over the spell, not at all noticing how their whispering had escalated to into an argument. Caramel and Hooves stood by watching the two friends shout back and forth about the spell, it’s classified nature, and how Bon-Bon could lose her credentials as an agent of S.M.I.L.E.
“Uh… should we tell them that we can hear everything they are saying?” Caramel asked, leaning over to Hooves.
Hooves, in turn, laughed. “Oh, nonsense! It’s very natural for friends to bicker like this. Signs of a very healthy relationship!”
Caramel rolled his eyes and sat on his rump in reply. He didn’t care about anything the two mares talked about. After all, ‘S.M.I.L.E’? What the heck did that even mean in the first place?
After about five minutes of loud arguing, Bon-Bon stepped back, fixing her friend with a wary stare. “We’ll talk more about this later, okay?”
Lyra only giggled in reply.
“Oooookay...” Caramel drawled out, eyes darting between the two closer-than-normal friends. “We all done here?”
Lyra scoffed at Caramel’s words but said nothing.
The four ponies slowly entered Thunderlane’s house, Hooves coming in last and closing the door behind them. There was a odd smell in the air, like alcohol mixed with faded cooking.
“Hey, Thundy?” Lyra called out lightly. “You in here?”
“You know, if I were him, I would utterly despise that nickname,” Caramel commented.
“Well, you’re not him,” Lyra said. “So shut up.”
They left the foyer and entered the living room, where the smell of booze in the air grew even stronger. Beyond that there was the sound of faint snoring coming from the couch. They each circled around it to behold quite a sight.
First was the heart-shaped box of half eaten chocolates on the coffee table, some of its contents spilled on the floor. Then there was the tipped over container of take-out, the hay noodles half hanging off the table. Next was the half drunk bottle of rum next to it, hence the source of the faint stench in the air. Finally, lying in a heap on the couch with a line of drool leaking out of his mouth onto the cushion, was the stallion of the hour. His coat and tail were a mess, yet his mohawk was still completely flawless, as it always was for some mysterious reason that his friends had pondered over time and time again. Hooves even had five whole rooms full of chalkboards full to the brim with equations to try and get an answer, to no avail.
“Amazing,” Caramel began in a mock-dramatic voice. “He’s the poster colt that depressed ponies everywhere deserve… but sure as heck not the one they need right now.”
“Caramel,” Lyra said.
“Yeah?”
“I said ‘shut up’ not ‘speak up’.”
Bon-Bon trotted forward and gently poked the sleeping stallion in the side. “Thundy?” she asked softly. Thunderlane’s mouth twitched a few times, but other than that he did not stir.
“Thunderlane?” Bon-Bon put both of her front hooves on his stomach and shook him lightly. “It’s Bon-Bon.”
Thunderlane actually moved a bit that time, gently raising a hoof and swatting at the air like one would a fly. After that he once again went back to snoozing.
Bon-Bon sighed before raising a hoof to shake him again before—
“HEY JACKASS! WAKE UP!” shouted Caramel.
Thunderlane violently snorted himself awake before his eyes flew open, his head whipping from side to side as fight or flight instincts took over. He suddenly flapped his wings as his body told him to react to danger, but due to the fact that he was still lying down, all it succeeded in doing was causing him to tumble off the side of the couch and onto the floor, where he landed on face.
Bon-Bon snapped her head around with a growl. “Caramel!”
“Hey, I’m trying to make progress here,” he said. “If we did it your way, we’d be here for another hour!”
Bon-Bon replied to Caramel’s words with a well-placed smack to the back of his head.
“Ow!” he groaned, rubbing the sore spot. “What the hay was that for?”
“For being an ass,” Lyra answered with a frown.
A groan drew their attention back to the floor, where Thunderlane was just picking himself up off the carpet. The stallion turned around and blinked a few times, his eyes looking over each of the uninvited guests.
“I…huh?” Thunderlane rubbed his eyes. “How…did you all get in here?”
“Nice to see you too,” Caramel muttered.
“Ms. Lyra, uh… found a way to ‘convince’ your door lock to let us in,” the doctor answered. “Don’t worry friend, there was no permanent damage to it.”
“Al…right then?” Thunderlane replied uncertainly. “But…why are you all here?”
“We heard about what happened with Raindrops,” Bon-Bon answered with a worried look. “We wanted to make sure you were ok.”
“Well actually, I sorta got dragged—” Was all Caramel could say before Lyra’s horn lit up, the same glow appearing over his right ear. Caramel’s eyes went wide before he let out a pained squeak, followed by biting his bottom lip.
“Because he cares about you so much!” Lyra said cheerfully, her horn still lit up. With the same light still over his ear, Lyra wrapped a hoof around Caramel’s neck and dragged him next to her. “Don’t you?”
“Yep,” Caramel wheezed out painfully while putting on a fake smile. “Anything for you, buddy.”
Lyra’s horn shut off, Caramel immediately letting off a breath of relief as his ear was released from being held hostage.
Thunderlane looked between the reassuring smiles of all his friends, and Caramel, finally gave a heavy sigh, shaking his head. “Guys, I appreciate you all stopping by, but… I’m fine,” Thunderlane assured them. “I had a breakup, but it’s not the end of the world.”
While Lyra, Bon-Bon, and Hooves did not look very convinced, Caramel gave a big toothy smile. “Well, that’s great to hear!” he quickly said before turning around and heading for the front door. “So I guess I’ll just see myself—”
Once again, Lyra’s horn lit up. This time, the glow encompassed his tail. The stallion fell forward onto his face, letting out a muffled grunt of pain as he was telekinetically dragged back beside Lyra. He looked up at the dirty look she was giving him before begrudgingly getting to his hooves and turning back to Thunderlane.
“Really, now?” Bon-Bon cocked an eyebrow. “So everything’s fine?”
“Yep,” Thunderlane answered as he sat down on the couch. “Better than fine. In fact, I feel great.”
“You seem to have gotten over it pretty quickly,” Bon-Bon said as she sat down beside him. “A lot faster than I thought you would.”
“Oh yeah.” Thunderlane shook his head. “Nothing to worry about. Just another chapter in life coming to a close. But that’s fine!”
“Just like that?” Lyra trotted forward and also sat down on the couch, opposite side from Bon-Bon. “You and Raindrops did have quite a thing going.”
“Yeah, but it was time to move on,” Thunderlane assured. “Next stop is bigger and brighter places.” He seemed quite sure of himself, that was for certain. His friends may have even bought it too. Except for the fact that he refused to meet their gazes, his eyes firmly glued to the coffee table.
“It’s good…” Thunderlane smiled softly and shook his head. “It’s all good…”
* * *
Five Minutes Later…
* * *
“I-I l-loved her!” Thunderlane wailed before another round of wracking sobbing cut him off. “I l-loved her s-so damn m-much!”
Thunderlane, now with tears freely trailing down his face, held a hoof to his forehead as he continued to cry. On either side of him, both Lyra and Bon-Bon both stroked his back soothingly.
“It’s alright,” Bon-Bon cooed gently. “Let it all out.”
“I-I mean…” Thunderlane sniffled. “I-I would have g-gone to T-Tartarus and back f-for her!”
“It’s not your fault, sweetie,” Lyra reassured. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“O-Of course it’s my fault!” Thunderlane held his face. “I’m s-such an idiot! W-What did I do wrong?!”
“Hey!” Bon-Bon said sternly, drawing his attention. “You didn’t do anything wrong. It was all on Raindrops. She was a jerk for leading you on all this time.”
“I…” Thunderlane was silent for a few seconds before wiping his eyes. “I don’t know… I just don’t know!”
The other two in the room sat in separate chairs on either side of the coffee table. Each observed the scene with a different expression, one with a concerned look and the other with mild disgust.
Caramel, after helping himself to another gulp from the rum bottle Thunderlane had been previously guzzling down, finally gave a frustrated grunt before using his voice. “Alright, this bull’s gone on long enough. Time for me to interject.”
Lyra turned to him with an angry frown. “Caramel, I swear to Luna, unless the next words out of your mouth are ones of encouragement…”
“Oh don’t worry.” Caramel made his way over and stopped directly in front of Thunderlane. “I’m going to say exactly what he needs to hear!”
While the others all looked on in apprehension, Thunderlane adapted a rather unsure look. Caramel sat up and put a comforting hoof on his friend’s shoulder. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
“Thunderlane…” Caramel opened his eyes again and looked directly into those of the pegasus. “You’re a pansy.”
Thunderlane’s initial reaction of shock was soon replaced by one of hurt. Caramel was about to say more, but instead jumped back to avoid the mint-green hoof that was swung at his head.
“You little pile of manure!” Lyra shouted.
“You’re not helping!” Bon-Bon snarled.
“Out of line, friend,” Hooves added.
“Hey, I’m from a family of brutally honest ponies, so cut me a damn break!” Caramel shouted in his own defense while still keeping his distance from the two furious mares.
“We’re supposed to be here to support him!” Lyra narrowed her eyes. “Not make him feel worse!”
“Like I said, honesty’s in my blood,” Caramel clarified. “And as such, I am going to tell him what he needs to hear, not what he wants to hear.”
While Bon-Bon and Lyra silently fumed and put themselves on the defense, Caramel turned back to Thunderlane, who had adapted a look like a puppy that had just been kicked. “The truth is that you, my friend, are bad at relationships.” Caramel began before being cut off.
“What happened with Raindrops wasn’t even his fault!” Bon-Bon shouted.
“I’m not even talking about Raindrops, just his love life in general!” Caramel replied. “Let’s take a look at the track record, shall we.” He looked at Thunderlane. “You’ve probably seen more action then every pony in this room combined.”
“Woah, there Mr. Caramel…” the doctor chimed in. “That is an awfully bold claim to be making without any data to back it up.”
“Oh really, Doc?” Caramel turned to him with a bemused look. “Does that mean you’ve finally managed to crack the combination on Derpy’s chastity belt?”
Hooves’s normally calm expression grew grim. “Oh, talk about a low blow!” he snarled.
“I’ll take that as a ‘no’ then!” Caramel shot back.
“Both of you, stop this now!” Lyra shouted. “This isn’t helping anything.”
“Agreed, but I can see where he is coming from. Even if he is quite… sordid in his delivery.” Hooves hopped off his chair and stepped forward, shooting a nasty glare at Caramel as he did so. “Mr. Thunderlane, you are a very… active stallion. No pony here will deny that. You have got that—what did I agree on calling it again? Ah yes—casanova charm that mares love.”
Thunderlane actually allowed himself the tiniest of smiles. “Well, it’s nothing special…”
“But before you allow yourself a well-deserved ego boost, allow me to ask you a question:” the doctor began, looking him dead in the eye. “How long was the longest relationship you have ever had with any mare?”
There was a very awkward silence for a few long seconds, Thunderlane’s eyes darting from side to side before finally settling on the coffee table once more. Then, as all his friends stared at him waiting for an answer, he gave it in the form of an incoherent mumble.
“I’m sorry, I don’t believe I quite caught that. Would you kindly say it again?” the doctor asked.
Another mumble, completely unintelligible.
“Oh come on, Thundy,” Lyra said. “It can’t be that bad.”
One more mumble, only louder in the absolutely slightest.
“Oh, just say it already!” Caramel demanded.
“THREE MONTHS!” Thunderlane finally shouted.
Once again, the room fell silent. Even Caramel had no smart remarks to follow up with, just letting his mouth hang open like the others.
Thunderlane looked around at the shocked faces, wanting nothing more in that moment than to crawl into the couch and die.
“I…wow,” Lyra finally commented. “I would’ve imagined… a stallion like you—”
“Caramel’s right; I suck at serious relationships, ok?” Thunderlane snapped before calming himself down. “I’ve tried for years to find that special somepony, but…”
“Well there’s your first mistake,” Caramel commented, drawing everypony’s attention.
“Why…” Bon-Bon blinked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Relationships in general are a pretty big waste of time and money, only beaten by two other things: having a foal and going to college. In that order,” Caramel said matter-of-factly.
Lyra shook her head in disbelief. “You’re saying that relationships are stupid?”
“How in the blazes is higher education a waste of time?!” Hooves practically shouted.
“To answer yourquestion, Doc…” Caramel said as he turned to Hooves. “There are only three types of ponies who go to college: Ponies who are greedy, ponies who want to start a family, and ponies who have already started a family, usually by accident and—like idiots—fell into the financial hole that is raising a foal.”
The doctor facehoofed. “Unbelievable…”
“Ponies who live by themselves are perfectly capable of finding a sustaining job to pay the bills without some damn degree, rather than giving their money to an education system that is about ready to implode. And to answer your question…” Caramel turned to Lyra. “Yes. Relationships are the dumbest thing to happen to ponykind since bunny stampedes became a thing.”
“Uh, guys…” Bon-Bon said, looking between her debating friends and the still distraught Thunderlane. “We’re kinda getting off track here…”
“You are completely missing the point!” Lyra said angrily. “And the fact that you believe that is actually sad.”
“You’re right,” Caramel spat back, “it is sad that I’m one of the few smart ponies in the world!” He shook his head. “So many ponies pursuing relationships, all in the name of a romp between the sheets. Something that can just as easily be accomplished with a hoof and a box of tissues!”
“Ok, first off, gross.” Lyra grimaced, trying her best to beat back any mental images. “And secondly, there is waaaay more to a relationship than intimacy. Things that the single life can never replicate!”
“Oh really?” Caramel raised an eyebrow. “Name them.”
“Well…” Lyra began, straightening herself up. “Coming home to somepony who is always happy to see you—”
“Then get a dog,” Caramel interrupted. “Or better yet, join the Royal Guard.”
Lyra frowned. “Somepony who is always willing to give you affection when you need it—”
“Affection isn’t that important in the first place. I mean, what has affection ever done for anypony other than make them feel like manure afterwards?”
Lyra snarled. “Having somepony who truly loves you with all their heart!”
“And there it is!” Caramel said, rolling his eyes. “The four letter word that has been the object of so much pointless obsession for Celestia knows how long, and the inspiration for enough crummy songs to give Vinyl an aneurysm!”
“What’s that supposed to mean,” Bon-Bon interjected.
Caramel turned to her. “Love is something that’s futile in nature! What is love anyway?” He turned to look at the rest of the group. “Can any of you even claim to know what it is?”
Lyra glared daggers at Caramel. “Love is just that; love! Affection! Care!”
Caramel shook his head. “That’s your reply? Yeah, great description there. Ten outa Ten.” He shook his head. “Of course it would be something so stupid.”
“Just because…wait…” Lyra cocked an eyebrow. “Stupid?”
“Yes, but in case you didn’t process it, allow me to repeat it slowly for you.” Caramel cleared his throat before speaking loudly and clearly. “Love. Is. Stupid!”
* * *
Meanwhile…
* * *
There was a clatter as the fork and knife were both dropped from their telekinetic grasp, landing loudly on the plate below. The other occupant at the table, a well-built white coated stallion of blue mane, looked up at the one who had made the commotion. She had shock in her eyes, the pink coat on her face slightly pale.
The stallion looked at his wife with a deeply concerned look in his eyes. “Cadence?” Shining Armor asked as she continued to look forward with a look of mild horror on her face. “Is something... wrong?”
It was a few seconds before the Princess of Love finally blinked herself out of her stupor and held her head with a hoof. “I-I…don’t know…” she answered shakily. “I felt…a disturbance…”
* * *
“I’ve lived my whole damn life without wasting it away chasing something as stupid and pointless as love, and I’m happy with it,” Caramel answered Lyra’s glare with a know-it-all look. “After all, the only reason ponies seek love in the first place is because they fear being alone. They are afraid of having a singular moment to themselves to think over how miserable their lives really are! They fear living on without somepony else to make miserable by their side, and they fear facing the grim reaper without somepony else to drag down to their deaths with! It’s all pointless, all meaningless, all a waste of time!” He shook his head in disgust.
“You…are a sad little stallion…” Lyra shook her head solemnly. “And you have my pity.”
“Implying that I want or need your pity.” Caramel straightened himself up and placed a hoof on his chest. “Implying that I give a damn!”
“Implying that you’re an ass...oh, wait!” Lyra put her hooves on her cheeks and gave a mock look of surprise. “You are!”
“Okay you two, that’s enough!” Bon-Bon sternly said. “We’re here to try and make our friend feel better, not get into an argument over Caramel’s sad outlook on love and life!”
“Oh, sure, take your girlfriend’s side too!” Caramel shouted, giving Bon-Bon a glare. “At least the doc will agree with me!” He turned to look at Hooves. “Isn’t that right?”
Hooves stood up and sighed, his expression calm, yet devoid of any emotion that might confirm or deny Caramel’s question. “Mr. Caramel,” he started, his expression still showing no real emotion. “As a stallion of science, I cannot deny that some of your arguments about love are indeed sound.”
Caramel turned to Lyra. “See, even the Doc agr—”
“I wasn’t finished,” the doctor said, cutting Caramel’s words. “Yes, love is an emotion that is seldom understood by science, and while true that relationships can indeed result in great monetary and time loss, relationships are also a sign of a healthy mind. Why, anypony who is unable to form such connections with his fellow equine—even if said equine is of the same gender—demonstrates a social ineptitude that borders on sociopathy.”
Caramel’s brow furrowed. “Wait a sec there Doc. That kinda sounded like you were calling me a ‘sociopath’!”
Hooves cleared his throat. “I am by no means calling you a ‘sociopath’, Mr. Caramel. I am merely pointing out the scientific facts in this situation.” A smile creeped onto the doctor’s lips. “It is, as you said earlier, ‘exactly what needs to be said’.”
“Oh, screw you!” Caramel said turning away from the doctor in disgust. “Why am I the only one that seems to be talking sense!”
“Because you are hearing only what you want to hear!” Thunderlane snapped, his voice still coarse from all the crying, but now holding a deep anger that sent chills down the spines of most ponies in the room.
“Thunder—” Caramel started, but was unable to finish his words as he saw his friend, once groveling like a newborn foal, now standing back to his hooves.
“Don’t ‘Thunder’ me, you inconsiderate excuse for a stallion!” he spat out, his words vitriolic as acid. “I may be crummy when it comes to relationships, but I can at least have them in the first place!” he bellowed.
Caramel took a step back in response, his eyes falling on his three other friends, all of who looked just as shocked as he was.
“Sure, relationships can suck,” Thunderlane continued in the same volume as before. “Is it hard to start one? Yes. Is it hard to keep one going? Unbelievably! But all that work pays off in the end, not just because you get a nice romp in the sack, as you put it earlier, but because you get to learn about others, share experiences, tribulations, and triumphs!” He walked up to Caramel and pressed his snout against his. “It’s because for once, you are forced to care for someone other than yourself, something you clearly are unable to do!”
Caramel’s shocked expression quickly turned to one of rage. He shoved Thunderlane away from him. “You’re one to talk. Not ten minutes ago, you were bawling your eyes out on the floor!”
“Yes, I was crying like a little colt. But that was because I cared, I loved, and I lost!” he scoffed. “Why am I even wasting my breath with you? You obviously can’t understand.”
“And I’m glad I don’t understand!” Caramel shouted back, turning his back on all four ponies. “Mark my words, all of you. One day, you’ll discover just how pointless love really is. When that day comes, don’t come crying to me with apology!” he grunted, groaned, and began to walk away. “This whole deal’s left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m going home.”
“Oh no, you’re not going any—” Lyra started, but was stopped by Bon-Bon, who just gave her a shake of her head.
“He’s not worth getting mad over. Let him go.”
Hooves walked up to the pair and nodded his head a couple of times. “Indeed. It is sad that our friend thinks how he does, but it can’t be helped. I say we let him be for now and wait to see what he has to say later.”
“Assuming he has anything to say later,” Lyra added, shooting Caramel one last glare before turning to face Thunderlane. “Sorry about all that...You okay, Thundy?”
Thunderlane’s eyes were still on Caramel as he crossed the living room door and shut it with a loud bang. Once the stallion was out of the house, he answered. “Yeah. Not really sad anymore. Just angry.”
Lyra gave Thunderlane a small punch on the shoulder. “Hey, at least you’re well enough to shut Caramel up.”
“Yeah, what was up with that?” Bon-Bon asked as she stood next to Lyra. “I’ve never seen you get angry at, well, anything!”
Thunderlane sighed. “Sorry you all had to see that. It’s just that something he said struck a major chord with me.”
Lyra let a snort leave her nostrils. “I honestly can’t blame you. I was so close to punching him. Seriously, the nerve of the guy!”
“Still, his argument wasn’t entirely without truth,” Hooves interjected. “Some of the things he said were indeed accurate. Just not proper.”
“Even so, he had no right to call love ‘stupid’,” Bon-Bon said. “I mean, what kind of pony talks like he does?”
“I don’t know Bon-Bon,” Thunderlane said with a shake of his head. “Give the guy time. He’ll come around. Everypony does eventually.”
“Yeah,” Lyra said, her anger dulling ever so slightly at the thought of Caramel repenting later on.
* * *
Caramel was fuming as he stepped outside of Thunderlane’s house. “Damn those idiots. What crawled up their asses and made them all self-righteous?” He was so caught up in his own thoughts that he failed to spot the pink coated alicorn standing less than fifty paces away from him. Her husband and former captain of the Royal Guard, Shining Armor, accompanied her.
Once Caramel spotted the two, he stopped in his tracks, eyes wide at the sight before his eyes. It wasn't everyday he saw an alicorn.
“There it is!” Shining Armor said in a cold voice. “It’s... smaller than I could have imagined...” He blinked and rubbed his eyes a few times to make sure they weren’t lying to him. “And… a pony?”
“P-princess Cadenza!?” Caramel said, his full attention now set on the current ruler of the Crystal Empire. “What brings you to Ponyville, your highness?”
Shining Armor instinctively stood between Caramel and his wife. “Stay back honey, it may look like a pony, but it may not be one!”
Cadence roller her eyes and smiled. “Oh, how brave of you, Shiny,” she said, giving her husband a kiss on the cheek and taking a few steps past him. “Give me a few minutes. This shouldn’t take too long.” She turned her full attention back to Caramel. “You’ll have to forgive my husband. He can be overly cautious.” Shining Armor was motioning to Caramel with his hoof, pointing to his eye, and tracing an imaginary line to him.
Cadence just shook her head at her husband’s antics. “Okay. On to business then.” She set her eyes on Caramel. “A few minutes ago, while having a meal with my husband, I felt a something rather… perturbing. A disturbance, if you will.”
“A disturbance?” Caramel asked, tilting his head to the side. “Okay. Odd to hear. I’m guessing you’re here to talk to Twilight then.”
Cadence shook her head.
Caramel raised an eyebrow. “Oh. Then are you here to talk to one of the princess’ friends?”
At that, Cadence's brow furrowed. “Look, I didn’t come to Ponyville in such a hurry for them,” she said, leaving out the part about puking after casting her teleportation spell. The first in her life, no less. “I’m here for you,” she said, pointing her hoof at him.
“M-me?” Caramel stammered, looking around to make sure the princess wasn’t actually speaking to somepony else. “Why would you want to speak to me?”
“That disturbance was due to a pocket of pure lovelessness,” Cadence started, her expression one of concern. “I thought such a thing impossible, yet here I am.”
“Okay, so some pony feels no love. Big deal,” a smile started forming on Caramel’s lips as he said those words. “I’d say that pony has a good thing going! Love’s not exactly useful from personal experience.” He laughed. “But I shouldn’t be surprised you are concerned. You are the princess of love, after all.” He gave the princess another bow. “It has been an honor, your highness. But now, if you excuse me, I have to be heading home. I have to take a very long shower...”
“We know it’s coming from you,” Shining Armor said, taking a step forward. “And we’re here to stop you, monster!”
Caramel stopped in his tracks, a grimace forming on his face. “You're joking, right?.” He turned back to face the princess and her husband, finding the two still looking very troubled.
Caramel allowed himself a bitter chuckle. “Here I am, standing in front of the mare that every single stallion in Equestria would have chewed his own leg off just to speak to, and she’s here because I’m some loveless husk.” He shook his head. “Yup, today’s officially a bad one for me.”
Cadence took another step forward. “Things can go in two ways here. Either you renounce your ways, or—”
Caramel laughed, interrupting the princess. “Me, accept love? Oh, that’s funny!” he said, wiping a tear from his right eye.
“Oh, come on! Are you some kind of idiot or something? I mean, how else would you get to be happy?” Shining Armor said.
Caramel’s brow furrowed. “Why does everypony assume I’m sore miserable wreck!?” He stomped his hoof and snarled.
“Because you kind of are a miserable wreck?” Shining Armor replied. “There really is no denying it, buddy.”
Caramel scoffed. “Whatever. I don’t care what you think,” he said, sitting on his flank and looking away.
“As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,” Cadence resumed, her tone sharp as a knife. “You can renounce your ways and accept love willingly, or I can zap you so you’ll fall in love with the first pony you set eyes on.” Her horn lit up in preparation. “Choose wisely,” she said coyly.
Caramel stopped his thoughts in their tracks, as for the first time in a very long time, he stopped to think—really think—what could happen next. The princess was giving him two choices he very much detested, but those chose represented something more than just a lifestyle change. To say he felt lost for a path would be an understatement.
Yes, he was still angry at everypony; at Lyra and Bon-Bon for dragging him away from his afternoon off, at Thunderlane for being such a little pansy, and even at Hooves for being such an indecisive know-it-all.
Yet, at the same time, something within him realized he had friends that cared enough about him to seek him out in the first place. Sure, he could care less about love and relationships… but friendship was necessary. Heck, there was a princess specifically dedicated to friendship now.
He tapped a hoof on his chin, the puzzle before him far too complex to just solve without further insight.
“Uh… hello?” Cadence asked, waving a hoof over Caramel’s glazed over eyes. “It’s been a few minutes now. Have you… picked a choice yet?”
“I think he’s gone stiff on us,” Shining Armor said, taking a spot beside his wife. “Maybe you should just zap him and get this over with,” he said, looking skyward. “It is getting late.”
Cadence shot her husband a glare. “No Shiny. That would be wrong,” she said, shaking her head. “The reasons we are here is to deal with this issue in as civilized a way as possible. He has to make the choice, otherwise, what would that say about us as rulers?”
Shining Armor sighed. “I hate it when you make sense,” he said, a warm smile growing on his lips.
“And that’s why I take care of all the shopping,” she replied coyly. “As well as… other things,” she slyly cooed.
Shining Armor giggled at his wife’s words.
Finally, Caramel blinked and allowed himself an exhale. He had an answer, one he knew the princess wouldn’t like.
That made him all the giddier to say it.
“Princess, I’ve made my choice,” Caramel said, standing back on his hooves.
“And?” Cadence asked, enthusiasm growing in her voice.
“In times likes this, my grandpa always told me to be decisive and firm with my choices, as they would dictate what my future would be,” Caramel said, a smile growing on his lips. “He was a good stallion that lived a very long time because of his wisdom and wit.”
Shining Armor gave Caramel a flat stare. “Is this going anywhere?”
Caramel put a hoof up. “It is, so bear with me.” He took a very deep breath of air. “So, with all that in mind, I have to recall what he once told me to do in case life ever got me in a bad situation.” He cleared his throat, “ ‘Son, if you ever feel like you are in the middle of something you have no hope of winning in, do as every smart stallion does…”
As soon as Caramel ended his words, he took off galloping with all his might, leaving a small cloud of dust that made both Cadence and Shining Armor cough. “RUN AWAY LIKE A LITTLE FILLY!” he shouted, his voice growing fainter as he gained distance between the princess and her husband.
Cadence’s jaw dropped at the sight. Completely lost for words, all she could was watch as Caramel gained more and more distance.
“Cadence!” Shining Armor shouted, “What are you doing? He’s getting away!” he said, grabbing hold of his wife and giving her a light shake.
At her husband’s action, a fire erupted in the princess's’ eyes. “Oh no he didn’t!” she yelled, spreading her wings and taking flight after him.
“Wait for me!” Shining Armor shouted, taking off in pursuit of his flying wife.
* * *
The door to Thunderlane’s home swung open. Out stepped the pegasus and his three friends, all of them looking considerably peppier than before.
“You sure you are okay now?” Bon-Bon asked.
“For the fifth time, yeah. I’m not feeling crummy anymore.” Thunderlane replied.
“I’m afraid I too have to toss my metaphorical hat into this situation,” Hooves said, turning to look at his three friends. “You just had a very rough experience that certainly could not have left you in an optimal state of mind.”
Thunderlane sighed. “If you are talking about Caramel, it’s not that big a deal,” Thunderlane replied, a smile forming on his lips. “Did I expect him to burst out like he did? No. But I know him well. If it’s one thing that I have to admire about him is his tenacity.” His expression soured. “Even if he is an ass about it.”
“You think he went home?” Lyra asked, her brow still furrowed. “I’d much rather not run into him for the rest of the day.”
Bon-Bon gave her friend a shocked look. “You still want to punch him?”
Lyra grinned. “Oh, punching him is only the start of what I want to do!”
Bon-Bon rolled her eyes, but said nothing. Once her friend set her mind on hurting somepony else, nothing except retribution would suffice.
“Come back here you little loveless colt!” a booming voice echoed from somewhere not far away.
“No!” another voice shouted back. “I don’t wanna love!”
“What in the blazes is all that commotion?” Hooves said. Lyra, Bon-Bon, and Thunderlane all turned their attention towards the source.
All of the collective eyes widened as they spotted Caramel, galloping at full speed and occasionally jumping out of the way of blasts of pink magic. Above, and not too far behind him, a radiantly beautiful alicorn flew, her horn wrapped in the same pink energy that threatened to strike Caramel. And not at all far behind the duo, a white colt galloped, gasping for air as he tried to keep up.
The four would have said it was a sight they hadn’t seen before, had they not already been so used to other strange happenings around town.
“I swear, when I get my hooves on you, I’m going to make you love so hard you’ll be puking pink for a month!” Cadence said, letting out a mighty battle cry as she flapped her wings even harder than before.
“Leave me alone, you insane love-obsessed bimbo!” Caramel shouted back.
“Hey, that’s my wife you’re insulting!” Shining Armor replied.
It took about a minute for the events before the four friends’ eyes to truly sink in.
“Was that… Caramel?” Thunderlane asked his three still stunned friend.
“I believe it was,” Hooves replied. “Though, why he is being chased by Princess Mi Amore Cadenza is beyond me.”
“Should we, you know... help him out?” Bon-Bon asked.
“And take away the princess’ fun?” Lyra asked, a smile on her muzzle. “Nah. Let Caramel deal with it. I’m sure he’s got things under control.” She tapped Thunderlane on the shoulder. “Let’s all have a drink!” She set her eyes on her other three friends. “My treat.”
Bon-Bon chuckled. “Oh no, you’re not getting out of our talk that easily!”
Lyra shrugged. “Worth a try.”
“I SAID GET BACK HERE!” echoed another shout from the princess of love. “I’M ONLY TRYING TO HELP!!”
“GO AWAY YOU CRAZY MARE!” Caramel shouted back, followed by the swoosh of another blast of magical energy. “YOUR ‘HELP’ IS NOT WANTED!!”
“Hurry up Cadence! We’re starting to gather a crowd!” Shining Armor shouted, though not nearly as loud as the princess or Caramel.
“I’M GOING TO GET YOU, CARAMEL!” Cadence sang as she let loose another blast of concentrated love energy.
“AAAAAAAAH!” Caramel screamed as the beam of energy very nearly hit him on the head.
Thunderlane turned back towards the commotion one last time, a grin on his lips. “For a stallion that hates love, he sure as heck can attract it,” he said, shaking his head. “Lucky sob.”
“You coming?” Lyra shouted back at him.
“On my way,” Thunderlane replied, turning away from the havoc and catching up with his friends.
