My Best Mare's Wedding

Chapters

Bird in a Balloon
Bucking Nuts
Shiny, Pretty, Fancy...Corn Dogs
Adventures in Fillysitting
How the Cookie Derps
Mommy Fearest
Party Rock

Bird in a Balloon

Rainbow dash flew brazenly through the clouds, passing them breezily as she practiced tricks for her 4th attempt at impressing the Wonderbolts this month. The first time Pinkie got a twitchy tail, tingly hooves, and eyebrow spasms which meant flying would be too dangerous that day. The other two attempts were both thwarted by the cutie mark crusaders needing help right after the Wonderbolts arrived. She loved those three fillies but they couldn’t go one afternoon without upsetting a hippogriff or getting trapped in a cave.

"Cutie mark crusader spelunkers my flank!" She mumbled angrily.

But today would be different. The Wonderbolts were doing a special airshow to commemorate the mayors 40th birthday and she would wow them after their performance with a new trick she invented that morning. It involved doing a sonic rainboom while punching through a series of clouds and drizzling a dazzling rainbow rain on the audience.

She lazily daydreamed about the performance. When she finished Soarin would eat a celebratory rainbow frosted cake with her, Spitfire would congratulate her on a job well done, oh and there would be so many sexy fan mares throwing themselves at her…

She got so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn’t notice the bright pink balloon floating in front of her until she crashed headlong into it and landed in its basket.

“Hiya Dashie!” Pinkie said happily, bouncing in the basket shaking it enough to make it sink a little. “You’re just the pony I was looking for!”

Dash awkwardly picked herself off the floor of the balloon and sighed “Yeah, I had a feeling I was. So, whatcha need Pinks?”

“I wanted to make sure I had the right timing but I thought there was someone you would want to talk to.” The party pony, as always, smiled but a glimmer in her eyes begged to be taken seriously.

“Now I know it’s been a while and you may not want to see her but she’s super-duper sorry and she really wants to apologize. She’s been learning to stop being such a meanie mc grumpity pants and I think they did a terrific job if I do say so myself. So please give her a chance, ok Dashie?”

Dash raised an eyebrow. There weren’t many ponies who could make Dash angry and beyond that make her angry enough that they needed special introduction. She had no idea who it could be until she heard a familiar beating of huge non pegasi wings behind her and saw a pair of sharp talons clasp onto the side of the balloon. These familiar appendages belonged to a large brown griffon with purple eye shadow and a very memorable attitude problem. Gilda Griffin. The “queenie meanie” herself.

“Hiya lame-o, came to say hi to the flip flops, dweebs, and dorks?” Rainbow dash spat at her sarcastically. Pinkie pie glared and she sat down quietly.

“I deserve that” Gilda frowned, her beak quivering a little “Look dash, I know I was a serious jerk. I crossed the line about a million times. I already apologized to Fluttershy, and Pinkie, and even the little old mare I scared. But the most important apology was saved for last. It’s been too long and I want to set things right.”

“Whatever you haveto say, you said at Pinkie’s party two years ago. You made that perfectly clear to me and all the other ponies there.”

Gilda flapped her wings uncomfortably but stood her ground “Now look dash, you were my best friend. We got each other through Junior Speedsters and had great times in Cloudsdale. You meant a lot to me and I treated like yesterdays birdseed. I’m really truly sorry Dash, and I’ll do anything I can to make this up to you. Please just give me a cha-”

Rainbow dash violently stomped the floor of the balloon, putting a crack in the wicker as she stared the griffon down “Who the hell do you think you are anyway? One day you’re a badass bird of pure awesome who doesn’t need anyone and the next you’re all sad and asking forgiveness? What happened to you? Who’s the real flip flop here?”

Pinkie pie held up a hoof and walked closer to Gilda for emphasis “This isn’t the same Gilda from years ago that’s why. We hate to hide things from you Dash, but Gilda has been getting a little anger management counseling and therapy from Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy. They taught her to be a better bird…lion… thingy. The point is, they worked super hard to help her the past couple months and all so she could tell you how she feels.”

Gilda sighed thinking about the sessions. Fluttershy’s overly calm sweet voice assuring her that her anger could be controlled and that it was “Umm… maybe a little… umm rude… to call people names and umm…. belittle their existence”, and Twilight Sparkle furiously searching through psychology books and diagnosing her with every disorder she could find. The two had meant well enough but they were a very odd couple to work with, and when one doctor is pointing her horn at you and yelling that you have antisocial personality disorder and the other is hiding behind a chair quaking in fear of your presence, recovery is a long hard road indeed.

Seeing how serious and pensive the griffon looked made Rainbow dash pause and think. “Wait, so you’ve been in Ponyville for months? Where have you been living? Why didn’t you just come to me in the first place?”

“Because I wasn’t ready to yet. I practiced talking to you a million times but every single time I called you a lameo, and screeched at you or I called you a dweeb and clawed at you. I don’t…DO things like apologies. At least I didn’t. I literally had to learn to be nice from the ground up, even though its uber uncool, I knew I couldn’t talk to you until I did. I want my best friend back Dash, especially at such an important time in my life.”

Dash nodded still full of suspicion and frowned. “You didn’t answer the other questions.”

Gilda and Pinkie looked at each other awkwardly and blushed.

“What?”

“I uh….” Gilda started rubbing her neck with her claw, “I’ve been staying with Pinkie in her room above sugarcube corner.”

“What ? Why the hay would you need to stay there? I mean no offense or anything but couldn’t you have gone to a hotel? Or stayed in cloudsdale? Why Pinkies place?”

Gilda blushed an even deeper red and smiled a bit “B...because…I uhh…. I wanted to live with my fiancé.”

Rainbow dash looked at Pinkie for a moment and Pinkie, an equally incriminating shade of red, nodded in agreement and beamed happily. Dash went wall eyed and stumbled backwards. The other two reached to help her but she had already raised her hoof in salute and flopped unceremoniously out of the basket and towards the ground several stories below.

Pinkie turned to her lover and frowned “I told you we shoulda let gummy tell her.”

Bucking Nuts

Rainbow dash awoke to Gilda and Pinkie both looking down at her, their faces wrought with concern and guilt. She pulled herself up and realized she was sitting on what must been several huge bales of hay and when she looked around, gathered that she was in the back of a large pink pickup truck. She tried to leverage herself on a now pulverized cardboard cutout of Twilight Sparkle that held the bales up straight. Applejack hopped out of the drivers seat and helped Dash climb down from the bed.

"Dangit pinkie pie, I told you not to tell her while she was up ta anythin dangerous but you get so dern excited ya don’t listen."

"But I didn’t! Gilda did! Besides, she's a Pegasus. Flying isn’t dangerous for her. That’s like saying swimming is dangerous for gummy or being on fire is dangerous for Philomena. Besides I didn’t expect her to go all" Pinkie gasped and jumped in the air stretching her limbs rigid and she crashed back to earth as flat as a board. "I expected her to be all “Yay, woo hoo, awwww yeaahhhh"

Apple jack rolled her eyes and finished dusting the hay off dash. "So how do you feel about all this sugarcube?"

Confused? Depressed? Jealous? So horribly betrayed the only appropriate response would be to curl up in the fetal position and weep?

Dash tossed all these thoughts around for a moment. She opened her mouth but before she could even respond she saw something behind AJ that made her recoil. As if her day couldn’t possibly get any worse, on a cloud nearby were her old “friends” from the flyers competition. Dumbbell, Kevin, and the other jerk jock pegasi started catcalling and throwing trash down at Gilda and Pinkie.

"Hey dim bulbs” Kevin shouted “Heard about your filly foolin! Couldn’t find any hot colts so you had to start makin out with each other?"

“How dare you talk to mah friends that way! I outta buck you into next spring!” Applejack shouted, barely dodging a poorly tossed soda can.

Rainbow glowered at them, "Yeah, and with fat brainless colts like you four around, who the hell needs stallions anyway?"

"Your right Rainbow crash, Gilda is more butch and manly than any dude she could find. I’m just glad she's with another chick. Now no guy has to waste their time dealing with her creepy makeup and loud mouth all the time. They can date a real woman, like that Rarity chick."

Gilda, Applejack, and Rainbow had all started advancing towards the colts, rage dripping from every pore. Pinkie put her hoof in their way to stop them. They paused to stare at her questioningly, but she merely smiled and winked in reply as she turned to the boys hopped towards their clouds. None of them could figure out what her plan was but with each happy bounce she got higher and higher.

"Hey look, the dumb pink bimbo is coming over to our side. Decided to give up the chicks and start bucking dic-"

CHOMP

The brown pony screamed like a filly and thrashed around in the air. Pinkie had taken a giant bite out of his cloud, leaving sharp terrifying teeth marks in the fluffy matter that was still left. When she hit the ground again she shook off the white fluff covering her face and growled in rabid fury.

"Holy friggin horse apples! Th….this chick is buckin nuts. Come on guys, this crazed up cannibal can have her stupid girly wedding. Wer’e too good for them anyway." The other boys hastily nodded and started flapping their wings, forcing the cloud away. “Have a good time being les-“

He jumped a foot off the cloud and hid behind his friends before that last word was uttered, Pinkie had taken a flying leap at them again and landed on what was left of the cloud. She glared at them. A violent menacing stare that pierced each one of their souls. The stallions huddled together staring up at the little pink pony, each one shivering in mortal terror. Having made her point she ripped off a small piece of the cloud and chewed it as she hopped back onto the ground. “And that’s what happened to the last colts that messed with my Gildy pie…. Mmmm minty!” She giggled as she licked the last bit of cloud off her hoof.

A small crowd had gathered around to watch the spectacle and they all clopped their hooves in applause at her display of bravery and outright insanity. Gilda, AJ, and Dash however, just stood frozen in wide eyed amazement. The little party pony just skipped over to them pleasantly humming a tune and completely ignoring their expressions.

“So Dashie, you had something to say about our wedding?"

Her pupils shrank to pinpricks and she hastily shook her head.

“Okey Dokey Lokey.” She mused. “Now lets go Gildy baby, we have to meet Rarity for some advice.” Before the griffon could even object, she was forcefully dragged towards the Carousel boutique. She shrugged an apology to the mares, looking utterly defeated.

Spike wandered forward from the dissipating crowd and glanced between the still petrified ponies. He waved a claw in front of each of them but no response came. Neither of them even had the clarity to say hello. He took advantage of the situation and wrapped his arms around them both smiling vapidly.

“So umm…. Either of you got a date to this wedding thing yet or is this a bad time?”

Even without the verbosity to answer, both mares mustered enough sense to buck him away, sending the dejected little dragon rolling down the street.

Shiny, Pretty, Fancy...Corn Dogs

Gilda turned to Pinkie and snorted, visibly annoyed. "Look honey muffin, for the last time I'm not gonna start saying 'everypony' because I’m not a pony. I don't even get that phrase anyway! There are cows, there are buffalo, there are dragons, sea monsters, and griffons, so why is the phrase everypony?"

Pinkie scrunched her face up against her fiance's, bringing them eye to eye and beak to nose, this was obviously a source of contention between the two.

"BECAUSE lovey beak I already told you, we're in pony ville. It’s a literal ville… full of ponies. We say everypony because were mostly ponies. Wouldn't you say everygriffon in Griffsdale?"

"No sugar lumps, you would say everyone so everyone around, no matter the creature, would feel included."

"But I’m not a one, I’m a pony! Animals aren't numbers, duh!"

“Ladies…"Rarity sighed, pushing between the two feuding feather brains "This is all very..... pointless and all, but you still have the little matter of the venue to decide. I mean why just have it at sugarcube corner dears? We have more than enough room here! And since I am the most elegant pony here I would definitely be the right person to plan the affair as well.”

“Umm… hello! I'm Pinkie Pie! I'm the prevalent purveyor of pony parties! If anybody is gonna be planning the super ultimate party, it should be me.”

“But it’s YOUR party dear. Planning parties is your job. It’s something you work very hard on. A wedding is a time for you and the one you love to enjoy a day and spend time together. So you are not allowed to raise a single hoof. Now we are going to get the details of the party settled and I shall take care of everything myself.”

“Oh Rarity, your such a good friend!”

“I know dear. And as it were, I’ve been meaning to put my hat into the ring to host more elegant events. Fluttershy and Macintosh had such a quiet and modest affair. Ever since I did the decorating for the summer sun celebration I’ve been meaning to plan an extravagant spectacular affair of my own…or… for a friend of course.” She smiled sheepishly at this mistake.

The interior of her boutique was currently filled to the brim for the occasion. Elegant fabric swatches in every color were lined up on a cork board with notes as to which would look good for table dressings, which for chairs, and various other little notes. There were sketches of Gummy's tuxedo blown up several hundred sizes to be able to fit Gilda’s larger frame, and a few different ideas of dresses for Pinkie pinned to it, each with its own swatch of color to make the white of a wedding dress look as vibrant and joyful as its wearer. This was only their second session consulting with the dressmaker but she was already working diligently on getting things done. At this rate everything would be ready within a couple of weeks.

Rarity scuffled about the mess looking for something, and when she found it she seated herself on a chaise lounge that appeared out of nowhere, smiling at them expectantly. "So what would you like to see ladies?” Rarity asked, a notepad and quill magically floating over to her.

"Well I want the wedding to be really shiny, and pretty, and fancy like the gala!" Pinkie declared joyously as she hopped up and down. Gilda merely nodded in complacence. Whatever her Pinkie wanted, her Pinkie would get.

"Yes darling, but any specifics?"
"Ooh you remember all those shiny glittery chandeliers on the ceilings at the gala? I want those!"
Rarity nodded jotting this down.

"Ooh and you remember those huge pretty bouquets of every kind of flower that were there? I want those!"
Rarity smiled at her excitement and continued scribbling. "Anything else?"

"Ooh and you remember all that fancy super expensive richy rich pony food that was there?"
"You want those?" Rarity answered.
"No I hate that crap. But the plates and silverware were mega super duper cute! I want those!"

“Miss Gilda, you’ve been awfully quiet. Is there anything you would like?”

“Well…. I mean the griffon family crest should be on some of the decorations. It would really make my mom proud to see us represent it.”

Pinkie and Rarity were both beaming at her, their excited gazes digging into her like diamond dogs. A family crest. She had never really mentioned her family to Pinkie before or talked about them much in therapy. For the first time in days she was beginning to let more walls down.

“Anything else? Anything else!?!?” they squealed in unison.
“Oh uh….could we have corn dogs? They’re my favorite food but I know they aren't fancy or…”
“Anything you want!” Rarity gasped scribbling down the words “10lbs of corn dogs.”
“Oh, and could we have lots of gold stuff? That seems fancy and it’s a really cool color…. If it’s not too much trouble.” She mumbled, blushing.

Pinkie kissed her on the cheek and held her close. “Nothing is too much trouble to do for you sweetie. Not ever. So don't be afraid to ask for things if you want them, ok?”

“I don't want to get too bossy again. Fluttershy taught me that I need to think about other creatures feelings first if I want to be able to talk to them without blowing up again. I guess some of her personality is starting to rub off on me.”

“Miss Gilda, I have an idea” Rarity piped up, putting away her notepad. “Sweetie Bell and the other crusaders are having a slumber party tonight. How about they have it at your place so I can get started on your tuxedo? It’s my experience that being a babysitter is a fantastic exercise in compromise, command, and control, and you’ll get an excellent lesson in teamwork.”

The two exchanged uneasy looks. Something about the way Rarity said that sounded…desperate.

“Are you really sure about that Rarity?”

“Why yes dear” She said smiling, already beginning to gather some of her sisters toys. “It’s worked absolute wonders for me and I'm sure it will do the same for you. Just look after them dutifully and I'm positive you’ll be a better couple for it.”

“Rarity can I have some chocolate milk?” A small voice called from upstairs.

“Shut up you ratty little cur! Go do your homework!” She screamed, shoving an overnight bag at the confounded couple and pushing them out the door. “Oh don't worry dears. One night with that little angel and your relationship will be stronger than ever. I’ll send the girls by your place around six. Trust me, you won’t regret this.” Her left eye twitched in demented repression as she slammed the door in their faces.

They listened at the door for a moment still worried about what could come of this. There was a torrent of squabbling voices rising inside, with the angry pounding of hooves stomping upstairs shaking the boutique. The words “Kiss my flank” were just barely audible and punctuated with a slam of a door and the piercing raucous of breaking glass. A torrent swearing that was definitely Rarity’s bounded back down the stairs and through another door. Weather they agreed with the situation or not, they didn’t have much of a choice.

***

Rainbow dash had bid farewell to Applejack and volunteered to walk Spike home. The little dragon was racing headlong into puberty and if he pinched any more flanks this week he would likely end up on a wanted poster. They walked silently through Ponyville enjoying the calm summer afternoon, watching the other ponies go about their daily business. They waved at Ditzy Doo as she delivered the mail, helped Granny smith with her groceries as she tottered down the street, and almost got bowled over by Doctor Hooves as he raced past, ranting about things called Cybermares and waving around a screwdriver. Rainbow Dash noticed Spike stopping to gaze at Bon Bon’s flank as she trotted past him and decided this would be a good time to pick up some conversation.

“So Spike, got any fillies you plan on asking to the wedding yet?”

He grimaced and kicked a pebble out of the way “Nah. They all respond the same way you and AJ did so I think I might just give up. You get sick of being kicked after the 14th time or so.” He slumped against a street light, letting himself slide to the ground in despair. “I mean what’s the point anyway? Since Rarity started dating that Pokey guy I’ve lost the love of my life. I might as well run away to live on a rock farm for the rest of my days.”

Rainbow sighed, wrapping a wing around the little dragon and pulling him into a hug. He snuggled against her side sniffling. He cried a lot since he saw Rarity and Pokey Pierce kiss at Fluttershy’s wedding and he had never experienced that kind of heartbreak before. “Listen kiddo, if anypony can understand your heart break it’s me. I'm the coolest pony in all of equestrian and even I got my heart broken. You think I liked seeing Pinkie and Gilda all loved up back there?”

He shook his head and wiped the tears from his eyes. “I guess not…”

“Your damn right I didn’t. I met Gilda when I was about your age and we dated all through flight camp. She was my first girlfriend ever. Sure I’ve had crushes since then, but when she and I got in that fight at Pinkies party it really hurt me.”

“So how did you get over it?”

“I….well I…I don't know.” She muttered in realization, slumping to sit beside the dragon. “I guess I'm really still not over her.”

“Well that’s comforting.” He grumbled, crossing his arms “Now I know I’ll grow up to be sane, well-adjusted individual.”

“HEY!” She exclaimed, eliciting stares from passing ponies. “I am not some kinda sad sack who just gives up when she has a problem. Gilda and I broke up long before she came back to Ponyville. She was a loud jerk who was always playing mean pranks on people and calling them names. She didn’t just magically turn into a jerk when she got here. Wait a sec… Spike I think I have an Idea.”

“Yes let’s forget about my deep emotionally scarring problems and focus on yours.”

“Believe me Spike, I have a solution to your problem too, but first I think I know how to stop this wedding from happening.”

“You’re gonna keep talking, even if I really don't care what your plan is wont you?”

As if answering she pulled him into an even tighter hug, crushing his spines against her side. “You and I are gonna spy on Pinkie and Gilda and see if Gilda is still a jerk in private. Just because she isn’t evil in front of everypony doesn’t mean she isn’t evil at all.”

“I don't know Rainbow dash… I get into enough trouble for peeping as it is. Besides Gilda’s beak is really sharp. I don't know if I wanna do anything to make her mad.”

“Aaah don't worry kid” She giggled, ruffling his spikes “If she eats you, that’s just proof that she’s is still a jerk and it’s a win win.”

“What!?”

“Nothing.” She leapt on top of the street pole and posed majestically letting the breeze catch her wings and fan them out like a flag. “Now come on. We’re gonna sneak over there tonight and see what she’s up to. It is my job as a loyal friend to Pinkie to keep her from marrying that crazed up cornflake. By the honor of Celestia, I shall cease this wedding!”

“Uh huh… you still didn’t apologize for kicking me in the face earlier.”

Adventures in Fillysitting

“You …you can’t do this Pinkie, were your friends…”

“I know you are silly fillies, and that’s why I’m so happy I’ve got you here. Now hold still. You three are gonna be the most yummy snacks EVER.”

Pinkie roared as the decorations jingled on her costume. Sweetie bell, Scootaloo, and Apple bloom ran away from her screaming and giggling as Pinkie hopped after them spastically, her bright green, sloppily made alligator costume flopping around as she went.

Gilda face clawed at the sight. How were they stuck babysitting on a Friday night, without being able to find a single person willing to take over the task? If this was a year ago she would have just violently bullied someone into taking over the responsibility, but unfortunately she was becoming more and more soft in her time as a “goody goody”. Rarity was starting on the tuxes and very close to a mental breakdown so someone had to give the fashionista a night of rest.

But Applejack and Fluttershy both had dates and gave the most convincing doe eyed pleading to get her to comply, Rainbow dash was completely MIA, and Twilight had something she called her “Celestia appreciation night” planned which definitely didn’t sound like an academic endeavor from the conspicuous vibrating noises she heard when she knocked on her door. Everyone was having some sort of interesting, or at least noteworthy, evening except the two of them. Even Mr. and Mrs. Cake were most likely sipping fruity drinks on the beach in Equipulco together right now, enjoying some R&R before the wedding prep began.

“Then again”… she thought looking at her fiancé, her beautiful bouncy pink locks spilling out from under the foam head and her bright lovely blue eyes straining to contort into an expression of cannibalistic fury, “I'm sort of on a date aren’t I?” She smiled mischievously and puffed her feathers out. When Pinkie and the girls neared her she roared and clawed at the air.

“Me want cupcakes!” She bellowed chasing after the girls in Pinkies place. The pink pony just smiled and watched her roar and flap after the little fillies enjoying the sight of her having fun. It was a world Gilda was becoming much more accustomed to being with someone as joyful and adventurous as herself. Gilda was so closed off and angry from her life as a bully she hadn’t been able to have any fun or take time to enjoy herself. If it hadn’t been for Pinkie, that anger may have consumed her and turned her into someone like Princess Luna, who became so far gone she couldn’t even understand the concept of fun anymore. “Rarity may be a crazy marshmallow,” Pinkie thought, “but maybe she has some good ideas once and a while.”

She held up her hooves and blew a whistle she pulled from thin air. “Alright ladies, cutie mark crusader monster mashers isn’t working, so what do you want to try next?”

“Cutie mark crusader mind freaks?” Scootaloo shouted.

“Cutie mark crusader fortune tellers?” Sweetie bell giggled.

“Oooh ooh ah know. Cutie mark crusader paranormal investigators?” Apple bloom squealed.

“Now hold on little fillies. Maybe your auntie Gilda has some ideas. She was in flight camp so she knows even more super fun stuff for us to try. Well Gildie?”

“I uhh….” The three fillies hopping in a circle around her giggling in anticipation reminded her of the day she met Rainbow Dash. The cyan pegasus flew in circles around her, giddy about meeting a new creature for the first time. She was so giddy in fact; she started a small cyclone in the air around them, sending them both spinning into the air and landing on Ditzy Doo in a tangled pile of limbs. The poor filly never quite saw the same way again.

“Definitely not something dangerous.” She blurted out. Scootaloo silently slid a chainsaw back under the couch pouting.

“Hey, how would you kiddos feel about learning my old, flight camp chant?”

“Can ah still wear mah investigator hat?”

“Yes Apple bloom, you can wear your hat.”

***

A few hours later, with the girls safely tucked into bed, Pinkie led her lover up the stairs and into their roomy apartment above the bakery. Since the two moved in together the inside of the cupcake topped tower had been redecorated with much more subdued Pinkie panache. Her small living room lead up to a bedroom lavishly decorated in varying shades of pink and magenta, her bed piled high with soft downy gold pillows (newly stuffed since Gilda’s last molting), and luxurious silky sheets Rarity sewed just for them. “They’re made of unusually strong fibers to make comfortable little restraints in more… rapturous… situations darling. Very apropos for you ladies if I do say so myself.”

Gilda’s contributions to the room were quite noticeable as well, with handsome mahogany dressers, vanitys, and other furniture from her old apartment replacing some of Pinkies cutesy throwaway items. It all made the room feel almost uncharacteristically mature. The pink pony tossed her childish costume into the wardrobe and reached inside, pulling out a tight lacy pink nightgown that barely pulled past her hips, leaving her supple flanks exposed. She sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for the birdy beauty to join her.

Gilda smirked and tossed her feathers out of her face seductively as she stalked closer to her prey. She had been waiting all night to get her pink princess to herself and she wasn’t about to waste the opportunity. Pinkie ran her hoof along her lover’s beak sensing the urgency as she felt her weight press down on top of her. The bed sank, as did Pinkie, feeling herself padded by the soft downy warmth of feathers both above and below. She kissed her passionately, the beak that was so exotic to her tracing soft circles around her lips and making the wings she eyed with lust stiffen in anticipation.

Pinkie giggled and wrapped her hind legs around Gilda’s hips locking her into a ravishing embrace. “So we make babies now?”

Gilda stifled a laugh and nipped at Pinkies ear. “So you really haven't been with a lady before huh babe?” The pink pony blushed and shook her head in response. “Well how about I show you a good time and later I can tell you the many things that are wrong with that sentence.”

***

Rainbow dash and Spike stood outside Sugarcube corner gazing up at the massive, gingerbread like structure they were infiltrating. They had spent the night hidden in the bushes waiting for most of the lights to go off before making their move.Once a light came on inside the cupcake shaped spire on top of the building,they shook leaves off their black turtlenecks and crept around to the back door. Dash gingerly peeked through the window into the kitchen. It was completely dark and silent on the entire first floor.

“So how are we gonna do this big D? Telescope? Bug? I may have a few nanny cams from when I hid one in Opals hair bow…” Spike said rummaging through the black book bag he dragged with him.

The two stopped at the library on the way over to get snacks, camouflage, and supplies. There was a slight halt when Twilight, probably doing some silly thing for an experiment, continually bothered Dash while wearing a painfully tight corset and thigh high socks. Apparently it was some nonsense about “appreciating” her. Whatever weird thing she needed help with, she could be an oddball and lick Dash’s ears some other night. Tonight was a night for awesomely epic adventure, and once that pestering pony was out of their hair they raced out of the house to start the mission. “What the hay kind of experiment involves that kind of getup anyway?” Dash thought.

She shook her head, clearing away thoughts of the distracting purple mare and pulled on a pair of black goggles. “It’s gonna be the best plan I’ve ever come up with Spikey boy. I'm gonna fly up there to her window and look inside.” Rainbow dash smirked, digging her hooves into the flowerbed and drawing black streaks of mud across her cheeks.

“Complicated. But I like it.”

"I need you to keep watch down here while I go up there. Make sure nopony see's me alright?"

“Now hold on a second. I don't get to actually do anything cool? I wanted to use spy gadgets! I wanted to do some super awesome acrobatics and dodge lasers and stuff.”

“Sorry kid. You’re just here to make sure I don't get caught. I thought about what you said earlier and I wouldn’t like it if Gilda killed you...”

“Gee thanks Dash!”

“…there would be less people to worship my awesomeness if she did. Now just keep watch and stay cool alright?”

He raised his eyebrow and stared at her expectantly. "Excuse me? I don’t do favors for just anybody. What’s in it for me?" He buzzed, leering hopefully at her flanks.

She sighed and reached into her sweater, pulling out a large sapphire that made his eyes light up and his mouth water. He hadn’t had dinner that well in days. Spike saluted her and stood at attention. He tried his best to look menacing as he began pacing rigidly back and forth, looking around for any sign of trouble. Dash nodded in approval and slowly ascended the exterior of the bakery, checking windows to make sure the coast was clear.

The cutie mark crusaders were asleep in a room on the 2nd floor. She couldn’t help but smile at the sight of the three little fillies sleeping so soundly. Pinkie was a much more aggressive babysitter than Fluttershy and the room was littered with crayons, adventure gear, and any other activities Pinkie could use to tire them out. She almost felt a little jealous. Nopony had ever asked her to babysit before. Somepony in town had even said Queen Faust herself thought she wouldn’t make a good older sister. Since she and Gilda were so much alike, how had Gilda been entrusted to help take care of the fillies all day? Maybe there was a secret motherly side to her she had never known. A sweet gentle side that coo’d lullabies and picked flowers and...

Rainbow dash had to fly away from the window quickly. Her loud riotous burst of laughter made Sweetie bell stir. She quickly glided towards Pinkies window still snickering at the idea. Gilda was just hiding her attitude temporarily. One look into that window and she would find her verbally degrading Pinkie or eating an innocent baby bunny. Hell, if this was a good day she would catch her in the act of some horrifying Discordic ritual, sacrificing Gummy in an effort to destroy Ponyville and take over the world.

"Damn... maybe I’m really not big sister material" she thought to herself as she slipped into position at Pinkies window, carefully pushing against the glass to see inside.

A light on a small table was on and Pinkie pie was in the bed. The pink sheets were disheveled and pink mare was writhing on them sweating profusely and biting her lip. For some reason her hooves were flailing wildly in the air. Her previously neat, bouncy hair was tousled as though it was roughed up in a fray. She didn’t see much else at first, her view obscured a bit by darkness. She pulled up her goggles and stared inside intently.

There was Gilda! He wings were spread high and menacing and she had pinkie pinned to the bed, her claws holding the mare by the midsection. Dash’s first instinct was to rush in and rescue her friend...until she heard the soft sound of moaning coming from the room... and saw that Gilda’s face was buried squarely between Pinkies hind legs. Legs that soon wrapped around Gilda’s neck, as the mare they were attached to started to convulse and squeal. Rainbow dash's eyes went wide and she felt her wings stiffen completely. So completely she didn’t even notice them stop beating or feel herself plummeting towards the ground. She fell with a solid thump, landing on spike just as he completed another sweep of the building. They both cried out in pain and another, a brighter light came on in the bedroom upstairs as they struggled to get untangled from each other.

Pinkies head popped out of the window first, her wide blue eyes sparkling with amusement. She waved wildly, enjoying the spectacle before her. "Hiya dashie! Never thought of you as a peeping tammy. You know if you wanted to watch, you could have just asked!"

Gilda soon followed suit looking out the window a bit more confused than excited by the voyeuristic display. "Umm... should we like... call the cops or somethin? I feel kinda... violated...."

The party pony kissed her fiance and shook her head "No silly. Dash doesn’t know a whole lot about the birds and the bees. We should invite her up and show her how we get down here in Ponyville." She waggled her eyebrows, trying to really sell the idea.

"Umm... Pinks?" Gilda started.

"Yuh huh!"

"YOU don’t know a lot about the birds and the bees yourself."

"Pfft course I do! What the hay were we doing in there? Baking cookies?”

“That’s not the same. I mean you don't know where babies come from. I told you I would have to explain that to you at some point.”

Pinkie giggled, preparing herself for a speech "Oh I know all about that silly. I'm a very worldly mare. You see, when a daddy pony and a mommy pony love each other very much, they go to a store that sells a bunch of leather stuff and buy a whip and a bridle, then they go home and the mommy pony gets some whipped cream from the fridge...."

After about 10 minutes of complicated explanation involving pie fillings, fishing equipment, ball gags, farm animals, and power tools, she drew a breath and finished her explanation, exclaiming "And THAT'S why I’m not allowed in the post office anymore!"

She looked around to see her entire audience had their faces buried in their claws and hooves, looking quite traumatized and annoyed. She put her hooves on her hips and huffed indignantly. "Gee, you guys are sensitive. Haven't you ever…”

"No!" They all screamed at once sending her reeling backwards.

"Oh...well in that case, maybe I know too MUCH about it…" she muttered, blushing profusely. Unfortunately the others had stopped listening entirely by now. Each of them was trying to find a happy place to hide in their mind while the rest was being scrubbed with a healthy dose of bleach.

How the Cookie Derps

The four sat in Pinkie pie’s apartment much worse for the wear. Rainbow dash and Spike both nursed their injuries with ice packs, Gilda was trying to get the image of her “sweet innocent” fiancé in bondage gear out of her mind, and Pinkie was furiously baking dozens of cookies in an effort to make everyone feel better. They looked at each other across the dining room table, each one feeling too awkward and pained to speak. Pinkie had previously hosted less awkward, uncomfortable parties for inanimate objects in this room. As she brought out a tray of chocolate chip cookies and placed a mug of hot chocolate in front of everyone, Spike cleared his throat and broke the ice.

“So. Pinky is pretty darn kinky.”

“Spike don't even start.” Gilda sighed, chugging down her entire mug of coco in one gulp.

“Oh come on. Is no one gonna talk about this? I don't even understand what the power sander would be for let alone why someone would ride i…” A claw reached out and pulled the little dragon into a powerful bear hug. Gilda eyed him menacingly, flexing her other talons into a fist.

“I believe. I said. Drop. It.” She spat, each word containing all the venom she could possibly muster.

Rainbow dash leapt from the table and stared the griffon down, daring her to harm him. “So all that stuff about you being changed and being a different griffon really was bullshit. Guess I didn’t haveto spy on you to show Pinks what kind of jerk you really are.”

Gilda dropped Spike and turned to meet Dash’s gaze, her muscles tensing in anger. The two focused on each other for several minutes before Gilda relaxed and slumped back into her seat.

“Look I'm not dealing with this crap from you tonight Dash. You broke the law to spy on me and her in OUR apartment, you barely gave us a chance to explain ourselves before you wigged out and flopped out of a balloon earlier, you got this kid involved in your sick twisted voyeurism, and you got my fiancé to reveal something about herself I frankly never wanted to know. How the hell are we gonna go to the post office and mail our invitations now Dashie? Huh? How?” She groaned, holding her head in her claws.

“I wigged out because you waited not only until you were engaged, but just a month or two before your damn wedding to tell me about it. You got all my best friends in the world hiding crap from me just because you can’t take having to apologize for something you shouldn’t have done in the first place, oh yeah and your marrying the only girl I’ve ever cared about since you broke my heart in Cloudsdale.”

Gilda leapt onto the table, knocking over dozens of cookies, scattering them across the apartment.“I didn’t break your stupid heart, I told you me and Ditzy were just friends but you didn’t want to believe me! I don't even like blondes!”

“Well you sure as hell liked her when I caught you two in her bunk swappin spit!”

“I wasn’t kissing her, she got her damn hoof glued to her face again and I had to peck it off with my beak! My claws weren’t that sharp as a kid you know.”

“Yeah like Id believe that!”

“Whiney brat!”

“Jerk wad!”

“Ummm hey guys” Spike offered slowly.

“WHAT!” They bellowed, still glowering at each other.

He cringed a bit and stared into his coco. “N…nothing I guess. I just thought you two would be wondering where Pinkie was right about now.”

The two looked away from each other long enough to see that Pinkie, had indeed, left the room. Before either of them could guess where she’d gone to the pink mare was already hopping back into the room smiling. There was a small commotion behind her making its way up the stairs, the sounds of someone bumping into several walls with a weak “ow” following each one. Soon enough a gray pegasus with sandy blonde hair was hovering at the top of the stairs looking at them. Her front left hoof held a paper bag and the right hoof was completely glued to her face. Despite her usual wall eyed expression she seemed both amused and ashamed.

“Hiya Gilda. Pinkie said you help. My face is sticky again.” Ditzy doo pouted, trying her best to pull her hoof off her cheek.

Spike smiled and sipped more of his coco. “Yep I knew it. Pinkie is magic.”

Rainbow dash snatched his mug from him and downed it as Gilda flapped across the room toward the gray pony. She held Ditzy’s face gently in her claws and used her beak to snip at the loose strands of glue between her hoof and her cheek. When she finished the pony flexed her leg around a bit and then swung it around Gilda’s neck hugging her tight. “Thank you much Gildy. I super missed you. I can’t play with glue without you around.”

“Ditzy sweetie, maybe you shouldn’t play with glue at all?”

Her eyes straightened out noticeably and she pulled a pearl necklace out of the paper bag. She used the last bit of glue on her hooves to secure the necklace around her neck and stick the paper bag to her forehead so it would remain upright like a top hat. “Inconceivable! Now my dear griffon, if you’ll escuse me I'm off to a dinner party.”

She bowed at the lot of them and made her way slowly back down the stairs bumping along as she went.

Rainbow dash slowly approached Gilda, trotting through the cookie pieces with her head bowed low. She faltered for a moment before she wrapped her hooves around Gilda, and sobbed into her feathers. “Oh Gilda, I'm so stupid, I cant believe…”

“Just stop it Dash.” Gilda wrenched her shoulder out of Dash’s grasp and stared her square in the eye. “You do not get to apologize for this one. You have much more important things to apologize for. I'm in love with Pinkie. She’s the most important thing in the world to me. So why can’t you just be happy for us? That’s what friends are supposed to do aren't they? Be happy when their friends find happiness? Share joy with people they care about, even if it means they don't get what they want? Why are you being so… selfish and so…so…”

“Unloyal.” Pinkie muttered.

Dash felt a bolt through her heart at the idea. She was supposed to be the lightning bolt. The very embodiment and spirit of loyalty. The element so loyal to her friends she was helping them find happiness even before she met them. She had risked her life to protect them. She had completely ignored a Wonderbolts performance date because she wanted to help Fluttershy prepare for her wedding. And yet there she stood in a pile of broken cookies, having just betrayed the privacy of two of her best friends in an attempt to destroy their happiness.

Rainbow curled into a ball on the floor. Admitting weakness, especially this weakness wasn’t something she’d ever wanted to do but if there was ever a time to do it, it was now.

“Gilda. Pinkie pie. The reason I'm so against your wedding, is because it ruined my last chance.”

“What do you mean Dashie?” Pinkie whispered, gently patting her on the back.

“Pinkie you were the last crush I had. And Gilda you were the first. If both the girls I care about are getting married, that means… that means I’ll always be alone. I’ll never have another chance at finding love. I’ll be alone forever. And to an element meant to spend their life devoted to caring for her friends… I just…”

She started sobbing again, this time into Pinkies hair. “I don't want to be alone. I can’t be. I can’t live like that. I can’t be all alone anymore.” She bawled, bracing herself against her friend.

“Oh Dashie were so sorry. We both care so much about each other we never stopped to think about how much you cared about us. But I guarantee you won’t be alone Rainbow dash. We will always be your friends and no matter what we’ll be right here for you. And you have so many other friends…”

“But that’s just the problem Pinks, I'm always the friend, I'm always such a good friend but I'm never the girlfriend. I guess if I wanted a stallion it would be easier, but I just can’t find a mare to love me.”

Gilda sat on the other side of Dash and wrapped a wing around her. “Then we’ll help. We’ll find a girlfriend for you. You should have just told us Dash. We would do absolutely anything to help you. You know, last I heard Cloud kicker and Gusty were both single.”

“Really? You guys would do that for me?” She smiled, wiping away the last of her tears.

“Hell yeah we would! And don't worry, your gonna find someone in no time.”

“Yeah and I’ll be your wing dragon!” Spike laughed, holding a fresh cup of coco and a few dusty cookies in front of her.

The friends all smiled and laughed, drinking coco and enjoying each others company the rest of the night. They were so engrossed in conversation; they never heard the chorus of whispers from the top of the staircase.
“Cutie Mark Crusaders Dating Service! Yay!”

Mommy Fearest

Two weeks later Rarity, Applejack, Rainbow dash, and Fluttershy had assembled in the library. A top secret meeting had been called and they had all been summoned to attend at 10am sharp. Twilight sparkle had set up a large chart and several chairs in the middle of her library and the room was cluttered with a variety of magazines and business cards, a world apart from its usual assortment of science and history books. She dragged different magazines from the piles and stared expectantly into each one, as though some small yet magical detail she had forgotten was eluding her. Finally she sighed and turned to the others, as a painful expression of grave seriousness plagued her.

“Ladies. I believe we do not have a choice in this matter. I can see no other way to attain our goal.”

Applejack’s ears folded against her head as she raised a hoof in uneasy protest “ A ya really sure bout that Twi? I don't really want to get involved in this kinda thang …”

“I'm very sorry AJ but we don't seem to have any other choice. I tried very much to find a different route but much like our slumber party the magazines and books all agree on this subject of fun and entertainment. Our only recourse in this situation is… strippers.” Applejack and Fluttershy both gulped and slid down in their seats.

“Now now ladies” Twilight smiled, flipping through a few magazines “These say hiring a stripper can be a very easy and fun experience. This one also says we should drink these things called ‘jello shots’ and play party games with…oh….oh my… that truly doesn’t sound sanitary.”

“Umm Twi… we could have a nice knitting circle like we did for my bachelorette party” Fluttershy squeaked. “That is if you’re ok with it of course.”

“Aww quit bein such a girl about this Shy.” Rainbow laughed, picking some of the magazines off the floor and looking at them sideways. “You know barely anyone stayed awake during that thing. If Pinkie hadn’t spiked the punch and you hadn’t found that giant toucan it would have been the most boring night ever.”

Fluttershy blushed and dragged a hoof around the floor in circles “You promised never to mention that again Dash. I almost got arrested.”

Twilight looked at all her charts measuring events in contrast to their likelihood of being fun and wrote a few notes on them. “Well if so many of you are against it do you have any other suggestions? And before you ask, no Rainbow dash, we aren't doing ‘lady fight club’. Some of us enjoy having all our teeth.”

Dash silently lowered her hoof while Rarity pumped hers in the air. “My dears, just because we have exotic entertainment doesn’t mean the night has to be raunchy. I promise if I'm in charge it will be the classiest and most controlled night of good old fashioned fun any of us has ever experienced. It would be uncouth to force any of my friends to do something they don't like, but we must remember this is for Pinkie. We all know how much she enjoys wild parties and crazy shenanigans.”

“Rarity, ah still aint sure…” Applejack muttered.

“I swear, no I Pinkie Pie swear, It will be both elegant and sensual.” She said crossing a hoof across her chest and poking herself in the eye.

“It’s the sensual part I'm pretty dern afraid of.” Applejack sighed. But all the other ponys nodded in agreement. Twilight put away her first chart and propped up two new ones. Soon almost everyone was chatting excitedly and the subject changed to refreshments and body glitters.

* * *

Gilda and Pinkie walked together through the streets of ponyville. Gilda’s wing was gently wrapped around her fiance’s torso as she carried the basket holding a hoofmade white chocolate cake topper in her beak. Bon bon had specially molded it for them as a gift. It was a striking tableu of the two lovers intertwined in a kiss in front of a huge heart shaped crown with wings and talons. The griffon family crest.

They were only the 2nd same sex couple to be wed in Ponyville, and the first interspecies couple to be wed in Equestrian history, so everyone was excited to see the two make their vows. Berry punch had already given them a very fine vintage wine to enjoy on their honeymoon and a great many other gifts had been promised to them by others since they announced the ceremony date. Ponys and griffons were coming from all over Equestria to see the two wed. On the day of the ceremony Pinkie Pie’s parents were arriving from the rock farm to wish their best for the couple, giving them ample time to prepare for their visit. Griffons however, weren’t very accustomed to planning their meetings in advance.

Gilda awkwardly darted her eyes around the sky as she walked jumping a bit anytime a bit of brown or white crossed her vision. Pinkie noticed her flinching and snuggled tight to her side, steadying her heart. “Don't worry so much Gildie. I know you want to make a good impression but you don't have to flip your feathers.”

Gilda sighed, setting the cake topper onto the curb nearby. “I know you think that’s all it is Pinks, but my mother has a habit of showing up at the worst possible moment. She said she would be here sometime this week, and to her that’s as much warning as she needs to give before just popping up out of nowhere.” She glanced nervously at the sky as though expecting a meteor to strike at any moment.

“I have Pinkie sense sweetie. You don't haveto worry about any surprises with me around. Now just breathe deeply and stay calm.”

Gilda looked deep into her lover’s eyes and saw nothing more than honest reassurance. She sat on the ground in front of her and exhaled completely, closing her eyes as she did. “That’s right Gildie, you’re doing just fine” the soft disembodied voice of Pinkie whispered. She inhaled, pulling breath deep into her lungs and focusing only on steadying her nervous limbs. She felt her muscles loosen, each one individually relaxing as she let out her breath.

“P…pardon me”. A soft tap on the shoulder ripped her from her calm and sent her leaping into the air. She landed hard on her back only able to tweet weakly in response.

“Oh, I'm so very sorry. Oh Fluttershy, your such a brute.” The waif yellow pony sniffled berating herself.

Gilda groaned and picked herself up, bringing the mare into focus. “I'm sorry Shy. I'm just a bit on edge today.” As she regained her bearings she could make out the rest of her friends approaching cautiously. Rainbow dash was the first to reach the two, a wide smile plastered to her face.

“In all my days I never thought I would see Shy terrify Gilda. This whole mom thing must really have your tail feathers in a bunch.”

“Please be sensitive Rainbow dash” Rarity said, her eyes locking into Gildas. “I know just how awful it can be to have embarrassing parents. Believe me my dear Gilda, you are not alone. Why if you like, we can take a quick trip to the spa for a relaxing facial scrub. It always makes me feel better after my mother leaves the house in zebra print stretch pants. I do believe it can work in this situation as well.”

Twilight sparkle tossed her foreleg around Gilda’s shoulder and pulled her close. “In our therapy session last week we crossed the topic of her mother and uncovered some deep inadequacy issues in her past. Perhaps a bit of light reading will help you feel better. I have a 12 volume compendium on the subject of mother daughter bonding that I believe will…”

“No thank you Twi, Rarity. Those are nice offers but I don't think they’re gonna help much. My mom isn’t necessarily a bad griffon or anything she’s just…” She flinched slightly “She likes things her way. I don't wanna shove mud on my face and forget her or read about why she’s crazy. I just want to get through the day without her scaring my Pinkie Pie away or driving anyone nuts. And with her personality those aren't gonna be easy feats.”

Pinkie Pie giggled “Oh Gilda your parents can’t be that bad. I would never get scared off for any reason.”

Gilda sighed and looked away in shame. "They really kind of are Pinks. My father isn’t the kind of guy who talks to me a lot. Or for that matter, is even around very much. And my mom is....well she's just so...."

At that moment Pinkie Pie’s entire body lifted off the ground. She vibrated wildly in the air as her muscles twitched and her hooves tingled. “Mom incoming!!!”

"Oh my Gildy wildy Sweetie poo" A deep gruff voice called from behind the group.

"Oh dear lord..."

A large griffon opened her wings wide and wrapped Gilda in them pulling her in a tight hug as she fawned and doted over her... Gildy wildy...

The Griffon was a bit bigger and much rounder than her daughter. She had small gold spectacles on a chain around her neck and her feathers were teased in such an intricate system of curls and fluff it made Rarity gasp, summon a chaise lounge, and faint in horror. Large gaudy diamond jewelry that shone almost painfully adorned her legs and neck, which opposed the intricate Gryph tattoos carefully painted over her back and hips.

"Mumsy, what on earth are you doing here so early?"

"MUMSY!?!?" Twilight and her friends all gasped at once, barely hiding their amusement.

"Oh Gildy, when your father heard you were getting married to a pony… oh we just couldn't believe! I had to come here early and see for myself. You always were a peculiar gal." Her mother looked around and scooped up Carmel who was trotting past at the moment. "Oh and you must be the lucky boy! Oh my dear you look so... sickly. You really should eat more proteins darling, ya got no muscle..."

"Mother that’s not who I’m marrying!"

"Oh?" Mrs. Griffon dropped the terrified colt, placed her glasses on her beak, and looked around in confusion. "But the only ones left here are all girls and... oh..... oh Gildy... really? Well I always knew but your father insisted you'd meet the right boy one day and 'Grow out of it'. Grow out of it he says? Like being a lesbian is a phase like when you used to wear that horrid newsboy cap everywhere...."

The brown pony ran for his life, swearing never to go near griffons again as Pinkie stepped forward from the group and reached out a hoof. She smiled timidly up at the ranting griffon "Ummm excuse me miss Gilda’s mom, ma'am. I’m Pinkie Pie. I’m the one marrying your daughter."

The griffon gasped, letting the glasses fall from her nose. "Oh my dear stars!" She scooped up Pinkie and gave her a tight squeeze which was met with a squeak and a giggle "She's just like a little doll. Oh and this hair! She's just so precious! You really know how to pick them Gilda dear, she is just adorable. Oh and she's not too skinny either like that scrawny little boy I just hugged, she's got some nice meat on these flanks..."

"MOTHER PLEASE!"

“Oh calm down Gildy dear, we’re vegetarians now, you know that. ”

“That’s not what I mean Mumsy, your being rude in front of my friends.”

“Rude how? I am not being rude, you’re the one who didn’t introduce me to your little lady friends. Besides being with the chubby one is better for when ya finally want some babies. I don't know what little horsey griffon babies will look like but I bet they’re just darling.”

Pinkie smiled brightly up at her “Oh me and Gilda will start trying for a baby right after the wedding. I wanna have a boy! No a girl! No Quadruplets!”

“I just…. you two….babies…don't work that way!” Gilda screamed. Pinkie just giggled in response as Rainbow dash stuck out a hoof to shake the claw of Mrs.Griffon.

“Hiya lady. I'm Rainbow dash. Nice to see you again.”

“Oh hello again dear. I met you when I picked Gildy up at camp that time didn’t I?”

“Yeah. You did. I'm the one who was super fast, super awesome, and super amazing.”

“You must also the one who got in super trouble for hiding laxatives in all those cookies aren't ya?

“I…I uhh… Yeah I guess my pranking reputation precedes me.” She muttered, rubbing the back of her head.

“I'm sure it does. Gilda, remember this little minx isn’t allowed near the snack table. One joke gone wrong and suddenly everyone is spending the party fighting over the can.” The griffon laughed and shook the hooves of each pony in turn introducing herself to them and enjoying the novelty of meeting so many brightly colored girls. When she got to Rarity she turned and whispered something in her daughter’s ear that made her blush and gasp. Whatever it was she glanced uncomfortably at Rarity afterwards and avoided eye contact with her.

As Mama Griffon finished her introductions she noticed a small package on the curb near the group. “Gildy dear, whatcha got in the fancy little box?”

She opened the box and proudly displayed the item to her mother. The cake topper was still partially frozen and a fine mist radiated from it when exposed to the air. Everyone in the group gasped at the beauty and elegance of the intricately carved chocolate ornament. Everyone except Mama Griffon. The Griffon lowered her glasses a bit as she gazed at the item and then cleared her throat.

“Darling?”

“What do you think mumsy?”

The older griffons expression grew dark and cold. “Who’s idea was it to deface our family crest this way?”

“Ex…excuse me?”

“Who’s.
Idea.
Was.
It?
Now don't get me wrong here, I see someone got the idea it would be “romantic” to have you two making out like wild teenagers on top of a cake. But NOT in front of our family crest. What would your father say?”

Gilda slid the cake topper back inside the box and handed it to Rainbow Dash. Her feathers were beginning to puff out in rage but her face showed nothing but pure hurt. “I don't know MOTHER, it’s not like he ever actually talks to me so how would I know.”

“Don't be like that dear. Whining doesn’t look good on you.”

“I'm not whining. Me and Pinkie Pie are having a wedding and right after you get here you start criticizing us, can’t you even give us a chance to…”

The larger griffon held up a claw silencing her. “No. I really can’t give you a chance Gilda. You are our only daughter. I thought when ya got married you would have a traditional Griffon wedding but the very first decoration I see is a mockery to our entire family. Now we suspected you were a lesbian honey, we don’t have a problem with it and we love you anyway. And when you decided to fraternize with these little ponies no one paid you any mind. But this is your wedding day. Your one and ONLY wedding day. And you need to decide just what traditions you want to follow. You were born a griffon Gilda. Do you really want to get married like pony?”

Rarity pushed past Gilda and got right into the face of the older griffon locking eyes with her. “Now see here madam. I have worked very hard on your daughter’s ceremony and I incorporated plenty of traditional griffon elements into it.”

“Oh?” She said peering down her glasses at the white mare. “Are you serving a traditional macchiato with your cake?”

“Well… no we were going to use a nice dessert wine to…”
“And are you tying a gold ribbon to Pinkies Tail? Are you throwing marigold seeds after the ceremony? Are you plucking one of Gilda’s flight feathers and putting it on the cake topper for good luck? Are the groomsmen wearing napkins in their pockets or flowers in their lapels? ”

Rarity backed away slightly “I really hadn’t…well I had no idea there were so many…”

“That’s what I thought.” The griffon spat in finality.

Pinkie pie pulled Rarity close and smiled up at the griffon. “Don't worry Miss Gilda’s mom. We’ll do everything we can to put your traditions into the wedding. We still have about two weeks to the ceremony, and I know we can get everything you want ready in time. We’re already doing some rock farm traditions to make my family happy, the more traditions the merrier!”

A little bit of the humor Mama Griffon held before softened her face a bit. “Really doll? You would do that for us?”

“Of course. You’ll be part of my family soon. I would do anything to make you happy.” She bowed slightly in front of the griffon and was scooped up into a deep hug.

“Thank you so much for understanding darling. I know you’ll enjoy griffon tradition. Everybody does.”

“Whatever you say Mama G. So where do we start?” The pony asked hopping out of her grasp to bounce up and down in front of her.

“Fantastic! I knew you would come around soon, Gilda always had good taste. Now first you toss out that gross little cake toppa and I’ll call someone to bring in something much more fitting. Then we can find some nice pinstriped suits for the groomsmen, find a five piece band and then we can get started on your hair…”

“Wait my hair?” Pinkie muttered frowning.

“Yes darling your hair is atrocious. We’ll dye it black for the ceremony and…”

“Bl…bl bl…. Bla bla bla…”

“Yes doll black. It’s a very important tradition. The bride dyes her hair black and keeps it bone straight until after the ceremony.” The griffon pulled her daughter into a hug and took wing hovering over the group for a moment. “Gilda dear, I’ll be at a hotel just up the street. You and your fiancé come see me once she looks like a respectable young lady.”

The entire group stood there in the street for a moment before turning to stare at Gilda. The griffons beak quivered as she took the cake topper from Rainbow Dash and held it close to her heart. Pinkie slowly approached her trying to stay calm.
“Black? Black!?! Gilda I don't want to dye my hair black. I'm Pinkie Pie. Pink is right in my name. I don't wanna change my hair for that crazed up lady.”

“I know but” she started squeezing the box in her claws tighter.

“Gilda, you can’t possibly agree to all this.” Rarity shouted as she stood ground next to Pinkie. “We were done planning. We bought everything already you can’t just let her change your wedding AND your wife like this. It’s rude, it’s wrong, it’s crazy!”

“It’s my mother.” Gilda sighed dropping the cake topper in front of them. “And I just can’t say no to her.” Her wings spread out wide, encompassing the group and she took to the air, soaring in the same direction her mother did.

Party Rock

Rainbow dash put the cake topper in her home for safekeeping despite Mama G’s wishes and called a search party together, but no matter how high or low they searched they couldn't find hide nor feather of Gilda or Pinkie around Ponyville. The group finally decided to call off the search when Rarity left to finish preparing for the festivities. In the end everypony decided it would be best to just go on with the show and have the bachelorette party despite missing the guests of honor. The group dispersed, leaving Dash wandering Ponyville alone, still thinking about the couple.

Just as Rainbow dash finally arrived at the Carousel Boutique she noticed Applejack leaving with a sour look on her face. It was only midnight so the party was long from over, but the farm mare was slinking away none the less, with her eyes focused in a stare of both confusion and embarrassment.

"Whats up AJ? Those ponies partyin too hardy for ya?" Dash laughed, waving her friend over.

"Eh... it uh... not mah kinda shindig sugarcube..." She muttered, a deep red blush forming on her cheeks. "Take a gander fer yourself."

Dash obliged and opened the door to the boutique. Rarity’s immaculately kept furniture had all been whisked away and replaced with a large stage in the middle of the room backed by lush curtains. Bright lights shone on both the stage and the small DJ booth set up nearby that pumped music through the area. There was a sort of makeshift bar to the right with Berry punch happily mixing drinks and Rarity serving them as a graceful hostess. Two ponies and a very waif leggy griffin were working around a pole on the stage, Lyra standing on her back legs danced around a pole while Bon bon and the griffon gyrated their hips suggestively at the crowd. Applejack, one of the only entirely straight ponies around wouldn’t really enjoy a show like this. But Dash couldn’t help but be amused by the remaining members of the audience.

Twilight had a quill and pad in her lap and was furiously taking notes for some reason only occasionally looking up from her work. Ditzy doo was drooling a little one eye on Lyra and one on bon bon placidly enjoying the display while her friends Carrot top and Colgate whistled and tossed bits in the air. Despite all this spectacle the most surprising display was from the back of the room. Fluttershy was screaming and jumping in her seat barely able to contain herself while Princess Luna in a display of equal excitement, cupped her hooves around her mouth and shouted "Fantastic! This is a most erotic display! Kiss each other and the pleasure shall be doubled!"

“You crazy ponys invited a princess?”

"You shoulda seen her when she was the one on the stage. She pulled Shy up there with her and had her dancing like some kinda street trotter. Those two went through three pints ah hard cider. EACH" Applejack sighed peeking through the door. “That’s enough booze to put Big Mac down for the count but those two jus got all rowdy and hornery. I ain’t never seen Shy slap another filly on the flanks before but liquor does mysterious things..."

A burst of cheers and applause drew their attention away from the conversation. Rarity whispered to Vinyl Scratch, and she politely nodded, lowering the music. The performers onstage stopped dancing to pick up the stray bits surrounding them, while Rarity seized a microphone from the wall and climbed onto the front of the structure, gesturing for everyone to wrap up the praise. “Thank you darlings, you’ve been a most gracious crowd! And now ladies and…. Well more ladies. I present you with tonight’s feature dancer. The one you’ve all been waiting for. Please give a round of applause to the Erotic and Sensual TRIXIE!”

Twilight immediately dropped her notebook and barreled towards the front of the stage to get a better view, while Fluttershy and Luna jumped out of their seats and stomped their praise, drowning out the plot shaking rhythm of the music. The azure mare strode from behind the curtain clad only in a small lavender thong emblazoned with stars and immediately began grinding against a pole in the middle of the stage. Turning a bit red around the ears from the display and feeling her wings begin to rise, Dash led Applejack back outside into the warm summer night.

“AJ, after seeing all that, maybe we both need a drink. You look a little…traumatized and I'm gonna need a cold shower.”

“To say the least sugarcube. I don't ever wanna see another griffon in a G string again.”

“I'm kinda surprised they didn’t have any dudes dancing to accommodate you.” Dash laughed walking her companion away from the noise and debauchery. “You deserve a sexy show as much as anyone else.”

AppleJack blushed “I guess being in the minority here ain’t something everypony else is used to. Rarity didn’t take mah hint at first but later she did offer to pay Cherry Coke to do a little somethin for me but by then I kinda felt like it would be too much trouble.”

“You’re waaay too nice for your own good.” Rainbow dash stopped in her tracks and stared into the distance for a moment before regaining her composure. “Erm… Aj…. Did Rarity have any other entertainment planned?”

A shadowed figure stepped out of the forest, a simple brown cloak obscuring its features. As it got closer black stripes and gold rings became visible on its snowy white fur. Zecora was stomping her way towards the two in a huff. Her eyes were bloodshot and her normally pert and tight Mohawk flopped sadly to one side. She glared at the boutique before she turned to Rainbow and Applejack sighing wearily.

“This noise and ruckus you ponies keep
You stop me from getting a wink of sleep
I toss and turn and moan and yawn
Must you foals party until the break of dawn?”

“Sorry Zecora, I think its almost over, the headliner is performing right now.” Rainbow dash muttered, feeling just a bit guilty. With her hair a mess and her usually upkept appearance mussed, Zecora looked almost… cute.

The Zebra shook her hair from her eyes and let out a heavy yawn,
“Well that’s good at least, you have my thanks
I came here ready to kick some flanks”

Dash giggled, more than amused at this side of the serious shaman. “No prob Z. Hey I was just thinking… I mean… not that I'm asking or anything… but do you have a date for the…”

“RAINBOW DASH!”

“Damn it all.”

The three turned back to the party in time to see Rarity burst through the doors and race towards them. “Oh goodness Rainbow, you won’t believe what just happened. This is terrible! Its awful!
It is
THE
WORST
POSSIBLE
THING!”

Rarity summoned a chaise lounge and flopped down onto it, covering her eyes in a fantastic display of dramatics.

“Yeah what the hay do you want Rarity, were kinda in the middle of a thing here.” Dash spat.

“Gilda!”

“Gilda?” The three gasped.

“Yes Gilda. I was in my bedroom powdering my nose, and Gilda burst in, completely in tears! The poor dear looks positively dreadful! Anyway she raved and ranted and finally she told me Pinkie Pie won’t speak to her at all. I think the wedding is off!”

“Well what the hay is she doing in your room?” Applejack asked already rushing into the boutique.

“I haven't the faintest idea, maybe it’s my excellent advice, or my unfathomable charms but she just held onto me crying. She mentioned something about her mother calling me… oh dear I can’t believe I’m saying this… backup booty.”

Rainbow dash and Zecora followed Applejack and raced into the house, past the sea of partying ponies while Rarity bounded close behind. At the top of the stairs they could already hear sobbing before Applejack turned and bucked the door open.

Gilda was inside curled up on Raritys bed, the sheets pulled around her in a sort of makeshift nest. Discarded tissues surrounded her, littering the floor and the dresser. Her feathers had a strange array of painted tattoos on them similar to her mothers, but the ones on her face had been smudged and damaged by her tears.

“P..Pinkie?” The griffon gently lifted her head as the three curious ponies entered the room, but seeing none of them as the pink mare of her dreams she heaved and shoved her head into the pillow, crying even harder.

“Do not despair my feathered friend
I'm sure your love has not met its end
The pink mare that you so treasure
Will forgive you if you…. You know what. Fuck it. Its 2 am.”

Dash and Applejack exchanged confused glances before the striped pony continued. She stomped toward the bed ominously and shoved her face right against that of the sobbing griffon.

“Now you listen to me you whiney brat. We’ve all had more than enough of that. I haven't gotten a single wink of sleep tonight and I am not in the mood to hear about your fight. Now you get your butt out of this bed, and get some sense into your head. Apologize to that woman you love, or I swear, I will kick you so hard you’ll coo like a dove.”

“But Pinkie won’t even speak to me!” She sobbed. “She won’t even let me into our apartment. When I got home all my stuff was on the lawn and she’d changed the locks.”

“Well don't fret dear” Rarity piped up, overcoming the shock of seeing her bedroom destroyed. “We know a little something about Pinkie Pie that I think she may have forgotten to tell you.”

“Whats that?” Gilda sighed looking up.

Rainbow Dash put a hoof on Gilda’s shoulder. “Every time Pinkie has ever changed the locks in her apartment she keeps a spare key inside a balloon on the porch. She used to stumble home drunk a lot and keeping an extra set of keys was the only way she could get inside without waking the Cakes up.”

“That’s perfect! But what do I say to her? How can I apologies for all my mother’s…. Well this!” Gilda yelled motioning to the tattoos.

“Don't worry, Ive got a plan.” Dash said taking charge and turning to the others.

“Rarity, I need you to go downstairs and send all those rowdy ponies home so Zecora can get some sleep. Its waaay past midnight and I think it’s about time they all cool down.”

“Yes, of course!” Rarity nodded rushing out the door.

“AJ, I need you to escort Fluttershy home and have Spike contact the palace to get a carriage for Luna. I don't want those two wandering home alone drunk.”

“Right on it sugarcube.”

“And Zecora!” She turned to attempt asking out the zebra gain but found her fast asleep on the floor next to the bed.

“Oh uh… little help here Gilda?” The two gently lifted the striped mare onto the bed and tucked her under the covers before silently heading off into the night to save the Gilda/Pie wedding.

* * *

After retrieving the spare key from a bright pink balloon and sneaking up the stairs, Gilda noticed an odd feeling about the Bakery. Something about it was almost surreal. Broken. The two pushed past the feeling and opened the door to Pinkies apartment, not expecting anything like the chaos that met them.

“Oh damn it all, not this again.” Rainbow dash muttered scowling as she and Gilda entered the room.

“Holy crap what is all this?” Gilda cried, backing away from the door as she tried to make sense of her surroundings.

“This is what happens when you make Pinkie Pie sad” Dash gestured to the chaos behind them.

Pinkie’s entire apartment was decorated in random pieces of fabric and shiny things hastily pasted onto the walls. Bed sheets, silverware, bits, and curtains were stuck onto the walls haphazardly in a psychotically childish attempt to look “elegant”. In the center of the room she had lined up chairs and seated upon them were her special party guests. A rock, a bag of flour, and a ball of lint were amongst them, but there seemed to be at least one item on each chair for every pony in Ponyville. At the front of the room stood an altar made of cardboard surrounded by a tissue paper arch.

Gilda tried her best to relax terrified expression but to no avail. “This is one big ball of crazy. I mean it takes a seriously messed up chick to do something like this.”

“Oh really?”

A voice behind the altar alerted the two to the party hosts presence.

“Oh I'm glad to see you could make it to my ‘crazy’ wedding!” Pinkamena strode out from a room behind the altar dressed fully in her wedding gown. Her hair was bone straight and her normally vibrant pink coat, was a washed out gray to match her expression.

“I’d like you two to meet my NEW fiance, Grizelda.” She grinned holding up a basketball with a yellow party hat placed around it to look vaguely like a beak.

“Hiya dweebs!” She mimicked, moving around the ball as she spoke “Ya here to see the coolest wedding of the century, or you dorks gonna leave so ya don't nerd up the place?”

“Hey! I don't even talk to people like that anymore.” Gilda muttered blushing deeply at the very approximate impression.

“Well it doesn’t matter how you talk because I'm not marrying you. I'm marrying Grizelda and we’ll be the happiest couple in all of Ponyville.”

“Pinkie please don't do this! I need some help here. Rainbow dash, say something! Anything!”

She looked between the frazzled griffon and her mate. Just when she had an idea of what to say she noticed Gummy in a full wedding dress sitting on the altar next to Pinkie and burst out in a volatile fit of laughter.

“D….dash?”

She rolled around on the floor laughing, her eyes watering and her breath growing raspy and pained. “I.. I cant even… hahaha” she sputtered pounding the ground and kicking her legs.

“Wow” Pinkie gasped, regaining a bit of clarity “That’s crazy even by my standards.”

She finally stopped laughing and sat up looking at the couple. “Gilda you just… you had to pick her didn’t you? You had to choose the craziest pony in equestrian as your wife. You sure as hell know how to pick em girly.”

Not seeing any help from the rainbow pony anytime soon Gilda took it upon herself to help. She sighed and pushed through the aisles of toasters and tissue boxes before finally reaching the altar and snatching the basketball away from Pinkamena.
“Hey you put down my wife this instant!”

“Yea dorkwad! You stay away from my Pinkie!” The ball barked in reply. Gilda dug her claws into both sides of the ball and popped it, before dropping it to the ground to wilt. Pinkie moved to rescue her bride but Gilda picked her up before she could get close. Gilda pulled her close to her body and cradled her in her arms cooing gently to calm her. As Pinkie stopped struggling and relaxed some of her color returned and her hair began coiling into curls.

“I'm still really mad at you, you know. You didn’t stand up for me. You didn’t even care. I almost ate a fat jerky colt for you and you couldn't even say no to your meanypants mom for me. What kinda lady can’t even defend her wife’s hair?” Pinkie mumbled into her chest.

“She’s my mother.” Gilda replied softly. “I would never dare let try to change you Pinkie but what do I do when it’s my own mother? What was I supposed to say to her? You know I would do anything I can to protect you but how do I protect someone I love from someone else I love?”

Pinkie’s shoulders shook, her hair falling over her face in a cascade as a few tears fell onto her chest. “I don't know Gilda. This is our wedding. This was supposed to be our wedding. How could you let her come in and change everything this way? Doesn’t she like me? Everypony likes me.”

“EveryONE Pinkie. It’s not you sweetie.” She said wiping each tear away with a kiss “It’s me she doesn’t seem to like very much. I told her she could dress me however she wanted if she would leave you alone. That’s why I look like I just fell into Inkys tattoo parlor.”

“You did all that for me?”

“Of course Pinkie.I love you more than anything in the world and I won’t let my mother dye your hair or do anything else to hurt you. She just wants to have her say in everything and our wedding isn’t any different. You know why she came early don't you?”

Pinkie shook her head silently. Gilda put her back down on the altar and disappeared into the bedroom for a moment. When she returned, she held a large manila envelope was in her beak. She placed it on the podium Pinkie had set up for the "priest" and pulled out a picture. It was of a small plot of land, about the size of a single pony house. The grassy area was empty save for a small sign pounded into the ground in the center.

Pinkie stared in shock at the words on the sign. “Future site of Pinkie Pie’s Party Palace?”

“My mom, the Cakes, and your parents all pitched in money to buy it for you. Arnie and the other contractor ponies haven't gotten the construction crew to work yet but it’s gonna be a little pink castle covered in balloons and streamers. It’s your very own party supply store and party planning service.”

“Oh Gildie I can’t believe, when did they plan all this?”

“It’s their wedding gift to you. They were working on getting the deeds and everything for months.”

“Gilda I love you so so much. I can never thank you enough for… I can never thank any of you enough for this.”

“I know it’s always been your dream to have your own place my love. I told my mom and she agreed to help. Even if she’s a nut job she’s not a really a bad griffon. She helped give you this gift because you’re so special. Parties are what you do best no amount of hair dye and fussing can change that. She may complain about us not having marigolds and pinstriped suits but in the end all she truly wants is for the two of us to be happy together.”

“I'm so sorry Gilda. I should have let you in earlier. I can help you move all your stuff back in if you like. Thank you for not letting me marry a basketball.” Pinkie frowned sheepishly remembering her earlier rage.

“Dont worry my love, I doubt it would have been legal anyway since the priest is a blender. Now come on, lets clean this place up huh?”

When Rainbow Dash finally stopped laughing, she hugged the little alligator and happily watched the lovers reconcile. No one had ever taken Pinkie Pie from crazy to zero in ten seconds flat before. She hadn’t seen very many creatures share a love quite like this but it was something she was determined to have for herself as well. Even if she couldn't quite talk to the mares well. She cuddled gummy for several minutes thinking of all the possible mares she could ask out, lovingly gazing into space as he gnawed on her leg.