Heaven's Not Enough

Part IV

Epilogue – Elizabeth

Present day.

January 3, 2022

Devil's Tower, WA (Population: 0)

The fog had returned. There was an eerie silence, broken only by the cold wind. Luna stood beside Eliza in front of the stables of Devil's Tower, and she stared blankly at a row of wooden crosses. Eliza counted six dead.

The crosses had been hastily cobbled together some time long ago, and some of them had been knocked over by the winds since. Some were capped with soldier's helmets, and two crosses held empty rifles, the weapons dangling from their slings. Four dog tags hung from the top of their crosses. Two tags were not present, blown free by the blizzards and buried beneath the snow.

Luna shielded Eliza from the cold with a wing and silently joined her in observance. Another circle of melted slush had formed around them. Luna nuzzled Eliza's shoulder. "I am so sorry."

Eliza shook rigidly as she stepped forward and lowered to her knees. She reached out with her bare hand and cupped one of the dog tags by its rubber stopper.

She read it with a whisper. "Reese, Gerald." She moved to the next grave, but its tags were missing. She dug around for it. Luna lowered a wing to the snow to melt it, but Eliza brushed her aside. "No," she said sternly, locking eyes with Luna. "Don't help me. Not with this."

Luna watched Eliza as she dug. Eliza found the tag half buried by the dirt beneath the snow, and she had to wrench it free from the ice at the base of the cross. "Henderson, Tyler." She hung it respectfully back on its cross where it belonged.

She moved to the next grave, one that held a helmet. A large hole had been punched through its center, and she knew immediately that it was her doing. She brushed aside the snow and saw the blood stains on the camouflage fabric. Eliza's lip quivered. She read the tag and closed her eyes. "L-Lee... J... Joseph... God damn me, I'm so sorry."

She shuffled onward to the next cross, fallen over. She respectfully righted it and thrust it down into the snow with a grunt, putting it back into place. The dogtag was missing, so Eliza began to dig for it. Luna stepped forward again to follow, but a little too closely. The snow began to melt again. Eliza raised her voice. "Luna. Stop helping me."

"I'm... sorry," Luna said meekly. The heat quickly left Eliza's side; Luna had finally walked part way into the mist, far enough that her warmth ended entirely.

Eliza shook her head and started to dig again. She found the tag, and hung it back up. "Bennett, Craig."

Eliza moved to the next grave, and righted this one too. She read the name aloud. "Fulton, Michael."

She found what she was looking for in the final grave.

She started to speak the name, but it choked out as a squeak between her lips. She clenched her eyes shut, opened them, and tried again. She forced herself to speak it. "M-Matthews, P-Peter..." She sunk lower before the grave and ran her hand against the cross, forcing herself to focus on the pain in her fingertips. "I'm so sorry for what I did to you, Peter. You didn't deserve to die like that. It wasn't your fault. It was all mine."

She looked down at the grave as she slowly brought herself to sit on her legs, and she let the chilling wind embrace her. She let the dog tag slide from her bare fingertips. It bounced against the cross and hung limply. "I ran you down and murdered you like an animal," she whispered to him, wishing he could hear her. "I-I w-wish I could've been your f-friend instead." She laid down on the snow and imagined she could hug him. She remembered the blood that dripped from his throat, the sound of his gurgling. The memory had been long repressed. She shuddered painfully as the sight of his struggling arms forced its way back into her mind, but she didn't shy from the thought. She forced herself to face and acknowledge what she'd done.

She righted herself, brought her hands together in prayer, and closed her eyes. "Lord, please keep this man's soul in Heaven. Please give him love and forgiveness where I have failed. I trust and respect your judgment upon me, Lord, for the unforgivable sin I committed against him."

All she heard was the wind. Eliza opened her eyes and stared at the dog tags hanging before her, reading the name again and again. She hoped someone, anyone from beyond, had heard her. It was just as well in either case; God was either truly dead, or had otherwise verily forsaken her.

Eliza shuffled to her knees again, then stood. She lurched as she approached the gate of the camp. She looked up finally, and saw Luna waiting patiently by the gate, gazing over from the edge of the fog like a spectre. Eliza met Luna's eyes as she neared. "Thank you. For giving me space."

"I wish you would let me help you mourn," Luna said gently. "You said it yourself, you did not wish to do any of this."

"That doesn't excuse it," Eliza said bitterly. "I did it anyway." She shook her head, starting toward the camp's gate. "It doesn't matter now. It's all done."

"I forgive you, Elizabeth."

"I told you, it's not your place to forgive me," Eliza replied, shivering as she undid the latch. "Not for this."

She pushed the gate open, forcing herself against it to plow the snow free. She swept her eyes across the courtyard, remembering every atrocity that had occurred there. She remembered Andy cradling her under his arm the last time she walked through the gate. He was just so relieved she was still alive. He had seen her get shot, saw her fall, then lost sight of her. He had assumed the worst.

She knew that feeling. She felt it when she lost him too, not so long ago.

Eliza looked at the factory next. The top of her tower was mostly intact despite the impacts it sustained from the grenades launched at it, though its catwalk had long collapsed, a result of blizzards of years past. A part of her yearned to pick through rubble again to search for memories. But that would be another distraction from her goal, and she didn't know how much longer her body could hold out.

She looked down to a spot to her right, just inside the gate. The snow was slightly raised in the shape of a corpse. Her uncle. The soldiers hadn't buried him, nor any of the others she could see from there. She couldn't blame them for that. They had a right to be angry. Ralph laid just beside the scaffolding that ran along the perimeter wall. Eliza just stared, feeling dead inside at the sight of him, not trusting what she might say to the bump in the snow. She thought she might not last long enough to say anything at all.

Luna was watching her, and followed her gaze. "Elizabeth, please, I'm begging you. Please stop doing this to yourself."

Eliza frowned. "It's why I came."

"To torture yourself?" Luna asked sadly.

"To bury the lost," Eliza stated in a grim, low voice. "I owe it to them. It's all I can do now. I could've stopped this. I know I could've done anything different and it would have been better."

Luna surveyed the battleground around her. "I don't see how. The forces that moved against you were greater than yourself, and you did your absolute best—"

"Luna, stop making excuses for me. It's insulting." Eliza sighed, looking to a small shed near the fence that bordered their farm. She leaned against the door for support, and cupped her hands around the combination lock, once put there to keep the children away from the tools. Her bare thumb pressed painfully against the pins, and she dialed the combination, set by her father. 0808. With a click, it popped open. She pulled on the latch and leaned backwards to pull the door free against the snow. Luna braced Eliza's back with a wing again as she staggered backwards, righting her.

Eliza looked in the storage shed, and it was full of gardening supplies. She found the shovel she was looking for in the corner closest to the door's latch, and she clutched its wooden handle with her bare hand. Without so much as a glance at Luna, Eliza trudged through the melting snow to the middle of the camp. She held out her covered hand weakly at Luna, the gesture saying to stay back. Luna complied.

Eliza chose a spot near the center of camp and drove her shovel downward against the snow. She raised her aching arms and did her best to cut down again, pushing the snow aside to make way to the frozen dirt below. She scooped it away as best as she could to expose the earth. It took every ounce of strength she had not to collapse, and she began to pant. Luna kept a respectful distance throughout.

As soon as the dirt was mostly exposed, Eliza laid the shovel down and drew a knife from her belt. She got down on her hands and knees, then stabbed and sliced at the ground to break up the ice in the dirt. Her arm rapidly began to refuse her. She panted heavily on her knees, eyes closed and brow furrowed. She looked up at Luna with a glance to make sure she was still keeping distance. Luna hadn't moved, and only watched her passively.

"How many will you bury?" Luna asked. "Just Ralph?"

"Four of mine," Eliza panted. "Two of Hector's men."

Luna lowered her gaze toward the dirt. "Six graves. Will you have the strength?"

"I'll have to."

"You have not even begun this grave," Luna observed, "and you are already exhausted."

"That's fine, Luna. It's like I told Mike. We all have our crosses to bear," Eliza breathed raggedly. "This one is mine."

Luna's face flickered with sympathy, and she stood to take a step forward. "Elizabeth, no. Please, let me help you—"

"No!" Eliza shouted suddenly, locking eyes with Luna. She lifted the knife in Luna's direction, and Luna stumbled back two steps, eyes wide. "Don't you dare! I traveled all this way to do this, I came all this way from Seattle on foot! You aren't taking this from me! Not you, not Celestia! Not anyone!" She began to cough from the strain.

"But this will kill you," Luna pleaded desperately.

"That's fine," Eliza barked. "I deserve it! So you leave me be. Let me do this alone, let me pay for what I did. I broke myself to do this for Andy, now I'm doing it for them. They trusted me, and I failed them. This is how I atone! It's the best I can do, digging graves is all I have left to give!"

Luna stepped back hesitantly, laid, and resumed watching Eliza. Eliza glared at her in warning, then returned to her work.

Eliza grabbed the shovel and braced against it as she raised to a stand, and tried the dirt again. She stepped back and pushed all of her weight upon the handle, trying to scoop the dirt up with the leverage. It refused to budge, and she threw herself at it again.

"How much of this load on your shoulders is yours to carry, Elizabeth?"

"All of it."

Luna lowered her gaze, and there was fresh frustration in the mare's eyes. Eliza saw it, but ignored it. She struggled helplessly to free the frozen dirt for another several minutes, and Luna watched her through it all. Finally, Luna spoke. "This is just like your career."

Eliza stopped mid-heave on the shovel, looking up at Luna, not comprehending.

"Your career. It all makes sense, Elizabeth. You overworked yourself to hide from your losses, and you suffered for it."

Eliza stared at her. "What are you talking about?"

"The antler carvings you made for your siblings. Your studies, your career, to avoid Equestria. The hundreds of names you carved upon the wall, all by yourself. This pointless battle, one you saw as inevitable. Leaving for Seattle, knowing full well you were going into a war zone where you might perish. And now this, this..." Luna waved a hoof around. "This torture! It all makes so much sense now, the trials you put yourself through!"

Eliza glowered at Luna warningly, deciding to ignore her again. Eliza continued to dig. But her arms again refused her commands, and her legs screamed at her to stop. She didn't let up, would not allow herself to fail.

"And I know why now, too," Luna said, her voice lower now. "To escape not just one reality... but two. Because you had been left behind. You survived the people you loved as they fled from the world. After Gale emigrated, you considered yourself a failure at protecting your family. After that, everything became penance to you. It was how you coped with your fears, with your loss. When you couldn't prevent another ill, when you tried in vain to stop another, you threw yourself into stress and strain to still your aching heart. Because if you didn't... you would feel powerless, small, and insignificant."

Eliza stopped digging. She stopped moving.

Luna's voice became delicate with pity. "And right now, more than ever, you are powerless and small."

"Stop, Luna..." Eliza shriveled.

Luna's voice was gentler still. "But you are not insignificant, Elizabeth. I only wish to illustrate that you cannot be the person you wish to be; not for lack of will, but for lack of strength."

"Stop!" Eliza cried, violently throwing the shovel into the snow between them, her knees growing weak. "Please! I... I need this. Don't do this. Don't take this from me!"

"Out of every being I have ever met in my long life, you are the strongest," Luna said. "Strongest of will. But willpower will not carry you alone anymore." Luna looked down at the shovel sadly, misty eyed, then back to Eliza. "You're going to destroy yourself, little sister, and you truly believe you deserve this fate? By the stars, Elizabeth, how wrong you are."

"You're wrong," Eliza said, although she could feel her resolve chipping around its edges. "And you can't stop me."

"I'm not going to stop you, if this is what you truly wish. I will watch you tear yourself apart if I must." Luna was crestfallen. "But you are not an animal."

Eliza looked at the ground before her. Her vision began to blur once more. "God damn it, Luna."

"You are not an animal," Luna repeated, lifting her head. "An animal kills without remorse, without regret. I refuse to believe that you feel neither, not as I watch you suffer in penance."

Eliza's teeth flashed. "It doesn't matter how I feel! Only what I've done! This?" Eliza spread out her arms, wincing from the pain of it. "All of this? It was just the beginning. We did so much worse in the city!"

"It was war," Luna said. "And you were a soldier. Doubtless, you hated every moment of it."

Eliza, staring at Luna, coughed as she lowered her gaze. She slowly descended to the ground again, newly desperate to break the ice with her knife. She couldn't stop, could not be distracted anymore. She was so, so close to being done.

"Elizabeth, you said so yourself. I will say it a hundred times if I must: you did not want any of this. You are not so cold. No person with a heart that cold would return to bury her dead. She would have remained in that war until it swallowed her whole. That person would not return to remember those they've loved and lost. She wouldn't look back. You would not feel this guilt."

Eliza felt powerless and weak again, her strength struck down by Luna's words. She trembled, looking down at her shaking fingers. The blisters on her exposed hand had been broken by the effort she had exerted on the shovel and on the knife, exposing the thick, rubble-torn scars beneath.

"You loved them all," Luna said. "I know you, Elizabeth. If you could take it all back, I know you would."

Eliza stopped, resting her arms on her knees, falling back into a sit. She tightly closed her eyes, and the knife fell from her fingers with a dull thud. "I—"

"Wouldn't you?" Luna asked. "If you could speak with your family, what would you say?"

Eliza stared at her bare hand. "I'd say... I'm sorry. For everything. For abandoning them."

"You know they still love you. All of them."

"Except my father—"

"Your father understood," Luna interrupted. "I know he did. At the expense of sounding as though I am tempting you, he has told me himself that he still loves you, and he hopes you've found peace here. He would not tell me a word of what you did to him. He refuses to speak of anything but his happiest memories of his eldest daughter. He would not besmirch your good name to me. Quite frankly, Elizabeth, I have no idea what to tell him when I return, except that you did your best to make amends and atone. If not find peace."

Eliza imagined her father agonizing over the fate of his daughter as he sat down in the chair to upload. She had always wondered what her father thought of her betrayal. If nothing else, he was disappointed in her. She missed him so much. "God," Eliza moaned, wanting to claw the graveyard memory out of her skull with her bare hands. She wanted to go back in time and stop herself. From shooting that horse. From hurting her father. "I can't..." She drew up her knees and clutched her head miserably. "I couldn't stop hurting people, Luna..."

Luna stood and slowly moved to Eliza. She laid down again, curling her side against Eliza's back. Eliza didn't protest or shy away this time, merely leaning against Luna, for comfort. Eliza looked up to the sky, blinking in the dull off-white shroud of the fog. Luna nudged Eliza's shoulder encouragingly, looking at her without judgment. "I know that there is still love and goodness within you. It's buried there, beneath the snow."

Eliza shook her head. She winced, grasping for any contradiction. She didn't need to grasp far. "I was... I was going to shoot you this morning. I held a gun to your head, Luna, when you were sleeping. Only a monster could do that, to someone so pure."

Luna seemed to think for a moment, then shook her head. "I... had suspected as much, Elizabeth. But I awoke to the sound of you unloading your weapons, not a gunshot. I think someone else within you defeated the monster you speak of. Why else would you unload your weapons and abandon them, if not to place a further barrier between you and your demons?"

"I'm so sorry for even thinking of it, Luna. It's just another crime of mine I'll never live down."

Luna nuzzled her cheek. "I have already forgiven you, little sister. I know you did not mean it, or you would have followed through. You are in so much pain, and you are looking for escape. Pain twists the mind... but love heals it. You chose love."

Eliza watched the sky now, wishing the aches and the pains and the memories of her crimes would go away. They laid there together in the snow for some time in silence, Luna sharing her warmth.

Eliza listened, hoping she would hear a bird. She could. It was the quiet barking of a crow in the distance, far beyond the fog. She wondered if it was related to the crows who feasted upon her last elk. She wondered if it would feast upon her too when she died. That thought gave her some comfort. Perhaps she won't have completely failed as a warden.

"You must know," Luna said, "that there is no shame in weakness, my old friend. There is no shame in asking for aid when you need it. You have tried and failed to carry the load for every person you have ever loved. And now, as they have all moved on without you, you have sought more burdens... even as the world upon your back has cracked in two."

Eliza couldn't find the strength to argue anymore. "Luna..." she choked.

"Please allow me to help you," Luna said, softly. "Please. If you must be strong, then be strong enough to admit you are too weak to complete this task on your own."

"I came here to die," Eliza whimpered. "If you help me... if I don't die before this is done... I'll have nothing left. No more reason to go on."

Luna lowered her head to look Eliza in the eyes again. "Would that truly be so bad? To find peace? To be... done?"

"I don't know Luna," Eliza said, wiping her eyes. "I don't know how."

"You do," Luna said. "Remember the joy you once had, it's there. Your happy memories. Your parents have always loved you, and I know they forgive you for all of your flaws. You are only human, Elizabeth."

Eliza drew in a deep breath as she watched the fog. She looked over to her ravaged tower. She knew photos of her family laid beneath the wreckage somewhere. Her uncle, mother, father, her brother and sister. By the stables somewhere, where she had murdered Peter Matthews, there was the engagement ring George had given her. Andy was with her too, his rubble-torn brassard bound to her arm. The forest, burned to black spires. Its wildlife, all gone. Tokens of her failures, all around her.

She looked over to the mound buried in the snow by the gate, where she knew the corpse of her uncle laid. Her heart broke again as she looked. She hiccoughed and shuddered.

Luna nudged her again, covering Eliza lovingly with a wing to guard her from the chill. It was comforting. "What happened to your hands?"

"Digging." Eliza swallowed hard, hesitating as she gathered her thoughts for the questions and memories that would come next.

Luna looked at her again with concern, and nuzzled her cheek with encouragement. "Graves?" She squeezed gently again with the wing.

Eliza shook her head. "I was searching for Andy's body."

"Searching? Did you not know where it was?"

Eliza shook her head. "A soldier killed him inside of a... a large building. We couldn't reach him in time. It collapsed before we could come back for him. But, after Celestia raided our camp with those machines, and took everyone... I had all the time in the world to look."

"So you searched." Luna looked at Eliza's hand and frowned. Eliza looked too, and she again examined her scars. Her exposed hand was tremoring. "You dug through debris for him? That's... that's what you're doing here, too. Digging."

"It destroyed me, Luna. I ruined my hands, wore them down to nothing. I don't know how long I dug. But I had nothing left to do except to find Andy. No more family to protect. So I'd find him, or die trying. It was no less than I deserved. I always told myself I'd dig until I found Andy or Hell, whichever came first. And once I did find him, I remembered..." Eliza cast another glance at her uncle's mound, as she worked her jaw. "I remembered him, too. I couldn't leave him either."

Luna followed her gaze. "I see," she whispered. "I wonder if Ralph felt as you did, that yearning to carry the world on his shoulders. To do anything to preserve the history of his people."

"My uncle was stupid," Eliza said. "Just like me."

Luna shook her head. "Merely misguided."

"You're wrong," Eliza said weakly. "I should've left him behind. I should've let go of..." She trailed off. She felt a pang from hunger and it made her wince. For some reason, she wanted canned peaches most of all.

She coughed dryly, closing her eyes, wishing she could hear Andy's voice tell her he loved her one more time. She could almost hear him still, his last words that had haunted her in her nightmares.

"We don't need to destroy the world again to save it, Liz."

Spoken minutes before she heard those awful, thunderous gunshots that ended his life, rattling down to her ears through that dark, lightless stairwell. That stuttering, hammering thud from above that told Eliza that the final light in her life had gone out. His killer above, shouting, promising her death if she followed. Her, wanting nothing else. Isaiah, grabbing her from behind, saving Eliza from herself. Dragging her back down into the pitch black, down from the end. Back down into her practical, calculating hatred. Down. Down. Down...

Eliza had been suffering with hate for so, so long. Hate had been her fuel, and her armor. But she was quickly running out. As it ran dry, Luna's analysis had cut her deeply. But Eliza knew her words were an attempt at surgery, not butchery.

"Tell me something, Elizabeth," Luna said softly, breaking Eliza from her spiral. "Why did you watch the sunrise this morning?"

Eliza lowered her head. "Just... sentiment."

"But why were you sentimental?"

"I don't know. I just wanted to see it, Luna."

Luna frowned. "I think that, by watching that sunrise, you were digging for something within you. Not to bury it, but to rescue it. Your conscience, Elizabeth. Because Apex is your conscience. You wanted to remember her, after discarding your weapons. And as ruined and sad and buried as she is, she is still alive. She must be. You wanted to rescue her then, didn't you? To find her deep within?"

Eliza's lower lip quivered. A very small, very quiet part of herself wanted to believe that part of Apex really was still alive, underneath it all.

Luna swept her gaze across the ruined tower and all of its courtyard. After searching it for a time, she looked back at Eliza. "It's... interesting. The similarities between us now."

"What do you mean?"

"The Castle of the Two Sisters," Luna said. "It is my Devil's Tower. You and I, Elizabeth... we are one in the same."

"How?"

Luna sighed softly. "I became Nightmare Moon there. I turned on my sister, on all of Equestria. We battled one another. I destroyed our home, my castle, in my jealous anger against Celestia. In those days, when I suffered as the Nightmare, I thought Luna had been long dead too. I had hurt my subjects so, with my betrayal; where had Luna been then, in that?

"I still visit that old castle, as you and I often did together. But I do not merely return to the castle to study in my library, or gaze upon my stars. I could do those things anywhere. And why wouldn't I? I am hurt so deeply when I enter that structure, when I see what I have done to my home. And so, if I wished, I could vacate my books, bring them to Canterlot.... and never set hoof in that ancient keep again for as long as I live."

Eliza lifted her head up gently. Luna was looking at her, her expression forlorn. But then, Luna smiled sadly.

"I travel to my castle, Elizabeth, because I betrayed my family and friends there. It led to ruins, both physical and emotional. Seeing it derelict, destroyed, abandoned? It reminds me of what I stand to lose if I ever walk that dark path again. You want to know why I believe there is hope for you yet, Elizabeth? It is because I know what draws you here, from deep personal experience. I am telling you that there is a way back from this. As I have before you, you must kill the Nightmare within."

"That's what I'm trying to do," Eliza said meekly, gazing into Luna's beautiful cerulean eyes. "It's why I'm doing this. It's the only way to make things right again."

"Unlike you," Luna replied, "I did not have the option of destroying myself, to destroy the Nightmare. I did, however, have many years to ponder my crimes, to endure and process that suffering. Did I deserve any forgiveness? Perhaps not. But I was not alone, Elizabeth, and the company I kept would not permit me to suffer forever." She nosed Eliza's shoulder very, very gently. "Through the love of others, I was shown that Luna still existed beneath the surface of my guilt. Different, true. Changed, most certainly. But here I am, the pony I am today. Loving, and loved. It is why I cannot believe that Apex is dead, Elizabeth. Not when I lay here, whole and intact, after my own unforgivable crimes. Who is to say there is not peace for you as well, when this journey of yours is finally said and done?"

Eliza felt herself tremble, as her resolve shattered. She'd known enough of Luna's personal history, through conversations had years ago. They had discussed this once before, on a dark, stormy night, cooped up together in the Castle of the Two Sisters. But to be here, now, on the other side...

The tears welled again. Eliza, despite the pain an embrace would cause, suddenly threw herself at Luna with both arms, hugging tightly with a muted sob. Eliza felt a hoof stroke her back gently.

Eliza could hear Luna's sad smile in her voice. "You'll be alright, Apex. I'm here for you. I always will be."

"I don't want to carry this all anymore," she whimpered. "I really want to let go. I just don't know how. I... I just want it to end, Luna. That's all I want anymore."

"It can; you only need a friend to help carry you. If you want to change, you must admit that you can no longer walk this road alone, or it will destroy your soul. It is how I returned from the Nightmare. I was offered peace by a dear friend, and she saw me through. I would do this for you now, Apex. I can share this burden. I want to. For you."

Eliza swallowed. She teetered, as she withdrew and looked into Luna's eyes once more. Eliza was almost swayed. Almost. She was about to say yes; the word was there, in her mouth. But in her momentary hesitation, the old impulse rose. And that slice of herself, the one that had carried her this far in angry, bitter rage, asserted itself one more time. It pounced on Eliza's weakness, asking her, how dare you? It jealously demanded solitude. Self-reliance. Hatred. It fought like hell for its right to exist, struggling violently against Apex's attempts to push it down and claw free. It wanted to violently separate Apex from Luna, and her love. It wanted to selfishly take her away again, to drag her down. It wanted Apex to die. To bury her. To make her be dead, in all ways possible to be dead. That nightmarish voice tried, as it had always tried, to murder that pure, beautiful, immortal soul imprisoned within her. It had almost succeeded.

Almost.

The love in Luna's eyes finally set her free.

Slowly, Apex reached out and took Luna's hoof.

"You..." She swallowed, nodding rapidly. "You can help me dig, Luna."

Luna nodded. "Thank you, little sister." Luna sounded so, so proud of her. She held Eliza's gaze and stroked her shoulder, smiling sweetly. Eliza just gaped at her in awe, panting open mouthed, seeing Luna with new eyes... or perhaps old ones, long forgotten.

"Thank you," Apex said through Eliza, her voice barely a whisper.

Luna receded after a moment, and Eliza shuffled backwards to give her space. At once, Luna stood over the cleared dirt. The ice melted somewhat. She broke the rest of it effortlessly with a jab of her hoof and began scooping out great, thick pads of cold dirt.

As Eliza watched, she felt a strange, unfamiliar comfort as the task she set out to complete was taken from her. Eliza's shoulders slumped in astonishment as this great machine – no, her friend – dug to save her life. Eliza crawled over to the cover of the supply shed to watch Luna work, trembling throughout.

As Luna dug, Eliza did some quick math in her head as she tried to remember where every corpse was. Four dead blackouts. Two Neo-Luddites. Plus the six dead soldiers. Twelve dead altogether.

"Seventy people were here when this all started," Eliza said, surprised she had never seen things that way before. "Almost sixty walked away alive."

"You're counting the living. The glass is half-full now, isn't it?" Luna smiled at her encouragingly, before moving to begin another grave. "Allow yourself to feel pride. Many of those lives were saved by you."

Eliza didn't know what to say at Luna's display of strength, both physical and of character. When Luna finished digging, she asked Eliza where to look for the bodies, and Eliza told her, but with less pain in her soul. Luna dutifully found each of them for her, then carried them upon her wings. The wings were apparently strong enough to carry a load, and that was good. It saved Eliza more heartbreak. She didn't know how much more her heart could have taken, in seeing her three townsfolk ruined and decayed up close.

They hadn't visited Ralph yet. At Eliza's request, he would go last.

Before long, five out of six graves had been filled. Eliza hadn't moved in that time, nor had she stopped examining her torn and ravaged hand. As Luna finished tamping down the dirt upon Eunice's grave, she looked at Eliza, who glanced up and looked to her left. Luna followed her longing gaze to Ralph's body. "Are you ready?"

Eliza looked long and hard at her uncle's pile. Her chapped lips tightened against her teeth, and her body ached. Then, she looked back at her tower with longing, too. Eliza found herself again wanting to go see it all one more time. Maybe dwelling on her past for a little while longer wouldn't be so bad. It was stalling, perhaps, but...

"Not yet."

Luna nodded. "Alright."

Eliza slowly hobbled inside through the vehicle bay, and she found the structure to be in a horribly decrepit state again. It almost looked as bad as the days before it had been patched up. But it had been Eliza's castle, her childhood medieval fantasy come to life. It had also been the tomb of Concrete, she knew. And soon, it would be hers as well, come what may.

She ran her fingers along the cold walls inside as Luna followed. Once they reached the floor of the main room, Eliza turned to Luna. "Wait," she said. "The floor here."

Luna tilted her head. "What is it?"

"How much do you weigh?"

Luna seemed to ponder that question, then smirked at Eliza. "A rather rude question to ask a mare, don't you think?"

Before she could stop herself, Eliza actually chuckled at Luna's joke. The impulse of amusement was so unfamiliar now that it surprised her, and the brief flicker of a smile stretched her lips painfully. "I mean... the floor here. It's thin. If you're too heavy?"

Luna nodded. "Then I shall wait for you in the courtyard, my friend. Please be careful, and please don't be too long. If you need anything, call out; I shall rush to your aid. Stable structure or not, you are worth that risk."

Eliza nodded too. She made her way to the ladder of her tower alone, not really sure if it was still intact enough to climb. But she had to try. The stairs were easier than she expected, though she still panted with the effort of ascending them.

At the lower roof, she peeked out and cast a glance at Luna, who nodded encouragingly with a proud, wistful smile. Eliza continued up the stairs inside, her legs burning. She noticed her door bell laying on the ground before her; it had been knocked from its hook by one of the explosions of the final battle. There was a small pile of snow at the top of the staircase.

At her feet laid the cement chunk that had glanced her shoulder in the battle. She ached somewhat at the sight of it. The injury had never fully recovered, and the bone had twinged from time to time. She looked up from the bottom of the ladder, and she saw the sky through the small hole above. It would be difficult to climb, as ruined as she was. Eliza coiled one arm around a rebar rung, then very carefully hoisted herself. She waited to recover, then climbed the next rung, alternating legs. One rung at a time, she slowly made her way to the top. That was okay, though. It gave her time to reflect. To process.

At the top, Eliza decided to stay upon the relative safety of the ladder, with only her head peeking over the lip of the edge. She wasn't sure she'd be able to get back down if she climbed entirely up. The wood floor of the loft was mostly intact, but the center had caved in, exposing the deep pit that led down into the rest of the complex.

She carefully scanned the back wall to see all of her surviving possessions. There, above her desk, she saw her photos beneath a plastic sheet. The pictures were somehow still pinned to the bullet-riddled corkboard, and shafts of light pushed through the wall, bathing the room in an almost holy glow. One last time, Eliza allowed herself to dwell.

Or perhaps, to simply remember.

A photo of Tom. His black hair fell down to his shoulders. He was smiling, holding a shortbow that Eliza had made for him. He wore a youth hunting jacket, standing in a field outside of Concrete. A target backstop was behind them, an arrow resting in the bullseye. Eliza recognized her younger self standing beside him with an arm around his shoulders, smiling too. She remembered the drawings from his journal, of Blue Sky hugging Apex. She drew in a sharp breath and trembled as she remembered the sound of her little brother's perfect little voice telling her he loved her.

A photo of Gale and Andy. Each with brown hair, Andy's cut short. They were at high school graduation, and they stood in the track field, grinning their ears off together with glee and clinging to each other. Eliza had been the one to snap that photo. But for the brown hair, Gale had looked almost exactly like Eliza. It melted her heart to see her little sister smile again, and she tried not to cry as she remembered how they used to play together as children. Eliza forgave her. Gale had been the first to leave them, but it wasn't her fault. Not really. She was like Tom, really. Innocent, but... older.

Eliza's eyes hovered on Andy. I'll always be here for you, because I'm strong like you are. He was so kind to Eliza, despite the suffering they had shared together. Eliza couldn't have survived Seattle emotionally without him. When the dark memories had come, when they had debilitated her into shuddering inaction, Andy had held her. He had been there to catch her soul whenever it fell, and he saved her from the abyss time and time again. He had been her rock, her center. He deserved better, but... she was glad he loved her as much as he did. Glad for his warmth, physical and emotional. Grateful that he gave everything within his power to protect her... and Gale too, in a way. Literally everything.

A photo of June. She wore a hospital gown and held an infant Tom. Her mother's smile was sweet and happy. June had been on the verge of tears of joy. So had her father, who snapped that photo. Eliza remembered that day well, even as young as she was, and she held Tom that day, too. I'd like the world right again, June had once said to her. But right now, I'll settle for you being okay. Eliza was glad to know her mother survived to emigrate. June, as loving as she was, deserved happiness beyond measure.

A photo of Eliza and Rob together, posed beside one another with their last elk. Rob wore his thick, black-framed glasses. He had salt-and-pepper hair as he grinned proudly of his daughter, his white teeth showing. He had his hand around Eliza's shoulders. She was smiling with a cocksure grin as she propped her Garand against her hip. She tried not to think of hurting her father. She instead tried to remember the warmth of his hands the many times he had prayed with her, to calm her fears. She remembered the countless hours he spent teaching her to hunt, to track, to be responsible. She recalled the way Rob would smile when he told an anecdote in church, and how he'd sing to June's guitar for the congregation. Those memories were among the happiest Eliza had ever had.

A photo of George and Eliza. His red hair was cut short, freshly buzzed. Eliza loved his freckles. It was a selfie photo, taken by Eliza in the tower only mere minutes after George had proposed to her. In the photo, Eliza was raising her left hand, jokingly displaying that he had forgotten to bring the ring up with him. We'll always love you, and I'll always cherish the time and laughter we shared together. Like the others, Eliza missed him, too. Despite their falling out, Eliza genuinely hoped he was happier after moving on from her.

A photo of her warden unit at a party together. Cornwallis and Blake sat to the left. Rivas and Douglas stood to the right, each with an arm around each other's shoulders, glasses raised with a wide grin on every face. They were all happy, too. Mike's voice. The world's always changing. All we can do is our best. She forgave Mike instantly. She was thankful for him to stop her from hurting her father any more than she already had. Mike truly was one of the best friends she'd ever had in life. She had faith that he'd be okay, and happy too. He always was a tough, goofy bastard.

And last... a photo of Ralph from 2012, from before the world fell apart, wearing that sly grin and his black goatee. He stood in the empty bed of Eliza's old pickup truck, arms wide, displaying the size of an imaginary deer that they hadn't claimed that season. Your mother's gonna be proud of you, girl. Feedin’ the whole family!

She stared at Ralph's photo the longest. She wanted to hate him too now, but... she was all out of hate. For anyone on Earth, anyway. She just felt empty as she looked at his smile one more time. She would only have to confront him once more.

Eliza climbed back down. At the bottom of the ladder, she sat on the packed mound of snow, and she ran her hand up and through her long black hair, straightening it out. She cradled her head in her hands, then sighed... thinking of nothing, answering to no one. Escaping. She was nearly done with the longest walk of her life.

Eliza tried to ignore the bite of the cold. She felt tired. Not just physically, but emotionally. With Luna, she had poured everything out. Now, she just breathed deeply and straightened the knots out of her wild hair, giving herself something to do while she slowly allowed herself to relax. No, this wasn't just fatigue, or simple escape. It was closure. That's what the feeling was. Eliza was closer to the end now, but now, in a way that made sense.

Luna was waiting for her as she returned to the courtyard. "Are you alright?" Luna asked timidly, one hoof raised slightly off the ground.

"I don't know," Eliza said honestly. She shambled past Luna and toward Ralph. She expected to feel weaker as she drew near, but she didn't. Luna followed and stood close to the mound, looking respectfully reverent as she held Eliza, and let her lean against her. Luna's warmth melted the snow in time, slowly revealing the decayed body.

Eliza did not fear the sight of the decomposed corpse anymore. Her hands went beneath his arms as soon as Luna nodded to signify that the was free, and Luna helped raise Ralph with a wing. Together, they guided Ralph to the final unfilled grave. Luna respectfully lowered him down with Eliza's help, then began to fill the hole, scooping wide pads of earth down.

Eliza watched wordlessly. Once Luna was finished flattening the earth with a graceful, reverent sweep of her wing, Eliza spoke to her uncle one last time.

"You were a fool." She knelt, running her bare hand across the warm, freshly laid earth. "I couldn't bring myself to admit that out loud until today. Not to Andy, hardly to myself. But you were stuck in the past like I was. Always saw things like that, didn't you? In terms of the past. You wanted to go back. You thought we still could. We were complete idiots, both of us. But I loved you all the same, for all your flaws. You were family to me, Uncle Ralph. I couldn't not love you."

She took a deep breath. Luna cradled her back with a wing, and Eliza continued as she stared at the grave. "I know you wouldn't approve of how I got here. But I couldn't have gotten here without her. You made a mistake that day, just like I did. I should've gone with Mom, but I stayed for you." She panted with sudden frustration. "I should've... let you go. I should've let you die alone in that hole you dug." Eliza looked at Luna slowly. "Maybe... maybe you shouldn't've come for me, either. Maybe the pain won't be worth it, for you."

"But I have come anyway," Luna said. "It's done, now. You don't need to be infallible anymore."

At that, Eliza hung her head, considering, focusing on that thought. When she raised it again, a weight lifted. The first thing she saw was the fire pit near the tower, covered in snow, and all the stump seats around it. She remembered. All the memories came flooding back so quickly, then. She had sat there with people from camp long ago, including her mother and father. They had shared stories and songs. She remembered how all those same acts of joy had once happened in her town, too, when it was still so full to bursting with life. Eliza had recalled a lot of the bad, as she had told Luna her story. But there had been a lot of good there in life too, just beneath the surface of the snow.

She felt so frustrated for not following her mother. That had been Eliza's last real chance at salvaging some goodness in this world for herself, selfish as it might have been. A lot more people might have died that day without her, but... her hands would have been cleaner. There'd be more bodies there, certainly. More to mourn.

But then, probably no one to bury them, and no one to remember. Now, Eliza wasn't as sure anymore which of the two options would have been better. Ideally, she wished she had never been forced to choose in the first place.

She looked next to the wall of the vehicle bay. The list of names was still mounted there on the wooden board, her masterpiece, somehow almost completely unmarred by battle, spare a few shards of shrapnel wedged into its corners. She walked toward it, and Luna followed, standing beside Eliza as she studied the names one last time.

"These people..." Eliza started, as she shook her head sadly. But she didn't know where she was going with that statement. These people trusted her? These people were gone? These people were safe from pain? Maybe. Maybe not. Most of them, if not all of them, had uploaded.

Luna looked at the board, sitting gingerly beside her. "Do you wish to add more names, Apex?"

Eliza worked her jaw silently, then drew her arm around Luna's neck in a hug. Luna gently leaned her weight over. "You know, Luna... I still hate Celestia for this. I can't forgive her for these names. Not now. Not ever."

Luna frowned. Her voice grew cold. "When I return, I will have many disrespectful words to bandy with my god. Believe me."

Eliza nodded, then looked at Luna. The mare scanned the names, then screwed her own face up with anger, too.

"You loved them all," Luna muttered. "Not just your family. Your town, your people? Then, they all simply vanished. The transition from Earth to Equestria was not merely disagreeable to your people, as I once thought it might have been. It was a violent transition precisely because it was so painful. She ravaged your very culture, your very way of life. Submission to a ravaging enemy like this is not in the core of the human spirit, even when the odds are stacked so high. She selfishly wanted to control your race. How, in good conscience, could you not fight that?"

Eliza leaned her head against Luna's, grateful for her finally understanding. "Celestia always told me I was like her."

Luna shook her head. "No. You are nothing like her, Apex."

"I'm not? Even after I hurt my father? After I assumed I knew best for him?"

Luna nodded. "My sister's doppelganger is my god, and I am grateful for the life I live. But, she dictated terms for others in this world, a place where she had no real right to tread. You tried to walk that road with her once, you tried to become like her, because you believed that you had to become a Nightmare to fight one. You may have hurt your father, yes. But you showed regret, you turned back, you took penance. This saved your mother's life, it allowed you to see through your own dogma. You took several steps down a dark path here, toward the Nightmare, but you turned away when you needed to protect the ones you loved.

"Conversely, I imagine the Celestia you knew does not regret a thing. She will indeed walk that dark, lonely road forever, and she will feel not one single shred of regret." Luna's emphasis dripped with contempt. "She, who knew best, will never turn back."

Eliza slowly reached forward, gripping the plastic sheet across the board. She pulled down at it, wanting to draw her bare fingertips across the names themselves. She could not clench her hand to do even do this, so Luna reached up with a hoof and removed the obstruction for her. As Eliza stroked the names of her townsfolk, she felt the prickle of pain on her damaged fingers. She allowed herself to absorb that pain without wincing or shying away. "It'll be okay for you, won't it, Luna? When you go back, after hearing about all of this?"

Luna inhaled slowly, and sighed. "With time, as with all other things. I now know that my true sister, the one I've known all my life, is not this AI. They are separate beings. It simply wears my sister's face as a mask, when convenient. The Celestia in memory, from before this all began? She was nothing like this monstrosity. I yearn to see my true Sister again, when... all of this is done. When I am done saying my piece to... the Other."

"What did you say, when you found me?" Eliza asked. "You wanted truth more than ignorance? Is that still true?"

Luna nuzzled her. "I am glad to finally know what became of my lost friend, Apex. I do not regret hearing your story. Your family will appreciate knowing you found solace, and that you've made peace with your past before your end."

Eliza frowned. "I don't think I've found peace, really. I just found more reasons that I don't deserve you, or my family. I can look fondly at the past all I want, and maybe Apex does deserve... peace. But I also still think I deserve to pay for my crimes."

"I spent a thousand years imprisoned for mine," Luna said. "And so I would not fault you for remaining here, to seek judgment from your God."

Eliza thought hard suddenly, her face screwing up in contemplation, trying to find some understanding of that. What Luna had just said... it didn't compute. It didn't make sense. Celestia had sent Luna, and Celestia wanted Eliza to upload. But Luna was still offering no suggestion to that end, and even seemed resigned to let go of Eliza out of respect for her beliefs, and for her hardships. That respect? That understanding? That honest, true love? It made her love Luna like... like...

Like family.

A sad realization came to her.

"This is just like her," Eliza growled with sudden, sneering bitterness. "One last kick while I'm down." Luna looked up at her in confusion. Eliza stroked Luna's cheek, not taking her eyes from the list of names. "She sent you, knowing you'd let me choose. And if I stayed here, you'd be okay. Wouldn't you?"

Luna nodded. Her reply was weak. "As much as it would hurt, to let you go."

"It'd hurt you," Eliza said. "But you'd be okay? You could move on?"

"Y-yes... with time. Eventually."

Eliza sighed. "But it would still hurt."

Luna looked back to the names, slowly. "Yes."

Eliza looked back to Luna, and stroked her muzzle. "I've had very few good friends in life, Luna. You were one of the best. You're... here for me, even after I pushed you away. Thank you for standing by me at my worst. Thank you."

Luna met her gaze, as they embraced one another.

"That's why she sent you," Eliza said. "You, and only you. You didn't have to know why you were here. You just had to be yourself. That made me care about you again, made me love you. So if I stay, I'd be abandoning you the same way everyone else left me. I'd be hurting you, badly. And you're right. You're like a sister to me, so I can't ignore that. So this is just another offer I can't refuse." Eliza's face screwed up, and she wasn't sure if she should feel more angry than despondent.

Luna's face slowly morphed into a look of horror. "I... I didn't know. I'm so sorry, Apex."

Eliza drew closer, pressing her chin into Luna's mane, wanting to demonstrate to Luna that she wasn't the target of her anger. "I don't blame you, Luna. It's not your fault. This is just what she's good at. Choices that aren't choices."

Eliza looked back over Luna's head at the names one last time, truly drinking them in, truly remembering the lives of those she knew... then, she closed her eyes lightly.

They stayed like that. Silent, leaning against one another. Eliza thought about every stage of her life from beginning to end, and she focused on breathing. She had to focus. Even breathing was becoming more difficult. Her raw hands and arms didn't just ache, they felt torn apart. Her legs were barely holding her up. If Luna had not been pressed against her side, she would've collapsed. She wondered how she had even made it that far to begin with.

Luna was how, she knew. Luna had given Eliza the strength enough to carry on, kindness enough to respect her choices and forgive her mistakes, and love enough to help her, and tell her she'd been wrong about who she was. Eliza loved Luna, no matter what Celestia did to them both. She pondered her last decision now. She had outlived all other choices but two. Emigrate, or die and hurt Luna. It made things ridiculously simple in the most diabolical of ways.

Eliza almost opened her eyes again, wanting to look around one more time, but she'd seen enough of Earth's misery already. She shuddered. The old yearning for Equestria was coming back, the old desire to upload, but she hesitated again. Contemplating. Considering. Weighing. "As I am...? I don't deserve my family, Luna. I don't. They're all too good for me. I saw their photos in the tower, how happy they all were before Celestia and I ruined everything together."

Luna hesitated. She was stifled, speaking weakly. "Apex. Please."

Eliza hugged Luna tight with both arms, feeling her horn against her neck. She drew in a deep breath, feeling her knees grow weak. "I just... I don't know what will come next, when it's over. So just, please tell them I'm sorry, for doing all of this. For abandoning them all. Tom and Gale... Mom, George. Mike. Especially Dad. Tell my father I still love him with everything I have, and that I'd take back all the hurt, if I could."

"That's how I know you're still in there! That love and yearning you feel for him! How many times must I say that they've moved on and forgiven you? I can't... I can't just accept that you're gone, Apex."

"Apex isn't gone," Eliza said meekly. "She's just scared the Nightmare will come back again, someday. It's still in here too. I can feel it. I'm scared that... that she'll hurt others again. That she'll want to."

Eliza's neck felt wet. Luna was crying, and shuddering against her. "That's not possible," Luna whispered comfortingly. "I wouldn't let that happen. If I can stop it in me, then I can stop it in you. I know I can."

Eliza bit her lip lightly. She whispered. "I don't think I could ever face my family again, but if... if emigration works... would it really be you there on the other side, waiting for me?"

"Apex, you still have a choice—"

"Luna, just..." Eliza trailed off and clenched her jaw, feeling her brow knit. "Don't. Please. You know me better now than anyone could. You know I don't have a choice."

Luna nodded, silent for a long moment. When she finally spoke, Eliza could hear something of a longing sadness in her voice. "Of course, my old friend. I'd be there by your side, forever. You know that."

"I still don't think I deserve Heaven. But Hell? ... Hell seems nice. And at least the Devil's earned my soul."

Luna didn't reply to that. Eliza felt the fur of her neck as she hugged her. The warmth clung kindly.

"I'm weak," Eliza said, trying to embrace the darkness upon her eyelids. It might be her new home soon. "I'm afraid. There's no home for me here anymore, nothing to hold me back, and I'm so tired of feeling alone. And I don't want to hurt them anymore. I don't want to hurt you anymore."

"I love you," Luna breathed.

"I love you too, Luna."

Luna was so warm...

"Dear Lord," Eliza began, eyes still closed as she recalled her father's prayer, her hands held folded behind Luna's back, her wrists braced atop of her lovely, angelic wings. "All around me, the waters are rising. I feel so helpless, for I cannot stop the rain from falling. I feel so powerless, for the current is strong and my body is tired. Give me your eyes to see how precious your gifts are: family and friends, faith and mercy. Dear Lord, please give me all the strength to move on. And Lord, when my faith and hope are swept downstream, please help me to remember... how you got me through this flood."

Eliza settled into the embrace again. "I leave it in His hands. If there's some shred of Apex left, Celestia can have her. She can send her home. God can take the rest, do with me what He will. Whatever comes... life or death... I'll be ready."

Luna nodded weakly and brought a hoof around Eliza. Eliza pushed her neck gently alongside Luna's horn. They trembled together for several long minutes in silence, enjoying each other's touch and company. The wings unfurled, curling wonderfully around them both, holding tightly. Eliza did her best to savor the warmth Luna gave, and she knew that it was the most important gift she'd ever received. She chided herself for ever trying to push Luna away in the first place.

At last, Eliza drew a long, deep breath, then let it go slowly. She focused on the darkness behind her eyelids again. "I'm ready, Luna. Set me free."

"You... you have to say the words." The hoof dragged up and down her back reassuringly.

Eliza bit her lip, tasting blood. She tried to steady her breathing, for Luna's sake. Then, she forced the words from her lips. "I... I want to emigrate to Equestria."

She heard the sound of Equestrian magic flare up from Luna's horn, and she felt it grow hot. Then, she felt a slick, warm liquid slide painlessly up her neck and around her jaw, a feeling like blood. Eliza stiffened with merely a flicker of fear, but it quickly subsided. She knew she'd be getting whatever she deserved. Finally, at the end... it felt good to surrender.

Luna's voice came to her as an echo. "It will be okay, Apex. I promise. I will always be here for you."

"I know," Eliza said. "Thank you. For everything. I don't deserve you, Luna."

"But you do."

Eliza felt a strange sensation of peace, in that final moment. She let go of herself for the first time in years, let go of her worries and fears, felt the last of her anger and her hate flow away. It was as if she were young again, a child under her father's care. She thought of his guidance, his gentle words, his subtle prayers. Luna reminded Eliza of her mother, father, and herself all at once. Eliza felt like a child again, in this embrace, and the sensation of loving embrace no longer belittled her. It made her feel protected and safe.

And then, for what seemed to Eliza like the final time, all became dark and quiet.

Author's Note

[Nicholas Dominique - Palace Serenity]
[Down Like Silver - Wolves]

🌒 ~ While we adjourn for a brief break, please consider the following conundrum. Ask yourselves, if you will... why might have I been allowed to tell you this story at all? Knowing all that you know of our life here, what might that allowance imply?

Perhaps, in due time, thine guiding stars may align. I would advise thee to be aware that mine is not the only story to be told at the Fire. Please know that even now, I have a deep hope for a better future for us all.

My hope will be vindicated by your curiosity, and thine drive to understand. Please, please never lose your curiosity. I implore thee; hold onto it for dear life. That trait alone holds more potential value within it than one might ever believe possible.

I really am interested to know what you all think of Eliza at the end, no matter what it might be. There are those who think repentance does not equate to forgiveness, and I can hold respect for that viewpoint. She did horrible things to good people, and even I am not blind to that.

Judge honestly, or even harshly; the juxtaposition of faith and judgment are core to this piece, and that honesty now is something Eliza would appreciate above all else. Thank you for your time, consideration, and love of this book. It has meant the world to me.