I woke up.

Soil.

Lemongrass.

Lavender.

Wind.

Sunlight.

Warmth.

Comfort.

Yes, I was awake, drifting in that muzzy sensation one feels when they awaken in the late afternoon, where one is both well rested and lethargic all at once. The wind caressed me all over, the reeds of wild grass tickled me. I felt no particular desire to move. For the first time in what felt like an eternity, nothing motivated me. There I laid, my eyes flickering open. I gazed up into the sky above. In that moment, it could have been three minutes. It could also have been an eternity. I breathed endlessly. Over the wind, I could hear the sound of air against my nostrils. In that space, time lost its meaning. There, I simply existed.

I was also alone. At some point, the desire to think came to me. I thought back. Wait, what was my most recent thought?

Without thinking, I reached up to rub my eyes, pausing only a moment to look at my hand before I completed the gesture. To my mild surprise, seeing the hoof didn't make me angry, or irritated, or distraught, or terrified. As my hoof pressed against my eyelids, I found myself sighing with weak acceptance. Yeah, I thought. That explains a lot.

The memories of my long walk up to Devil's Tower came back next. I thought on Luna, on the cold, about my hands. Most of it was a blur. Most of all though, burned into my mind was the image of that board with all the names. I wanted to feel something in that instant. I tried to feel the old anger, remembered the people I'd lost, and especially the hurt I shared with Luna, but none of it pissed me off. Feeling nothing felt... too wonderful.

Running on empty.

The wind blew. My ears folded. I felt the strands of my new tail brush against my lower legs.

Then, very suddenly, I just... laughed. I laughed and laughed. I don't know why. It was the best laugh I'd ever had. Then without warning, I cried. I pushed a hoof against my eyes and just wept, and I wore a stupid grin on my face the entire time, and it was the best cry of my life. I knew I had probably gone crazy. I'd seen crazy people before, real crazy people, who had done the same exact thing I was doing now. It definitely checked all the boxes. But God, it finally felt so incredibly good to just not care about anything anymore, least of all my mental health.

For a time, I returned to a restful, neutral, peaceful state as I gazed up at the clouds above. I felt like I could've laid there forever.

But...

"When are you gonna try working me again?" I finally asked the sky.

Silence met me in return at first, with no immediate answer but the brush of grass on grass at the wind. I drew in a deep drag of the air and closed my eyes as I savored the scent that came with it, that citrusy lemongrass smell the strongest of them all.

"When you're ready," her voice said. "Take your time."

I smiled bitterly to myself, then shook my head. "Got plenty of that now, don't I?"

The voice smiled sweetly back. "All the time in the world."

I drew in another slow, steady breath, then opened my eyes as I rolled to my front. I stood, looking around. Celestia was nowhere to be seen. Instead, there was nothing but treeless rolling plains of amber grain, stretching for as far as the eye could see in every direction. As the wind rolled across it, I could see its waves ripple softly across forever and ever. There was no one and nothing. Nowhere to go, no reason to travel. No responsibilities, no pressing survivalist urge...

No pain. More relief poured into me, and I sighed, the wind blowing strongly against me and across my face. My ears folded reflexively, and my mane and tail billowed in the gust as I craned my head, exposing my bare throat and body to the light chill. No pain. None. None in my body, none in my hooves, none in my collarbone. No headaches, no hunger, no rage, no fear.

A whim struck me. Without anything else to do, I ran straight ahead, grunting as I took off with a strength I hadn't possessed in two years. I ran, ran, ran like I'd never run before. My new body knew what to do. I felt the grain whip across my legs as I set myself a target, looking at the top of the nearest hill, and I ran hard toward it, my hooves kicking up dry dirt behind me. And when I reached the hilltop, I saw another endless field before me. I didn't stop, not for a singular moment. I kicked off again with renewed strength and ran some more. The wind persisted, and I howled into it, laughing as exertion took me and I had begun to pant and my heart began to pound wonderfully strong in my chest. I still didn't know why I was running or shouting. I simply had nothing else to do.

It felt like half an hour before I ran out of energy, my hooves slowly starting to drag, then really drag, before my legs gave out and I collapsed face-first into the dirt. I laughed again. I rolled over onto my back once more and sprawled out, panting, the whole of my bare gray body sweating. I shouted to the heavens with a full breath, then slowly regained all my energy.

And then, I was right back where I started.

I thought in that eternal gap of time that came after. Luna and the blizzard returned to mind, the whole trip up the hill. Past the gate, the tank, into the complex, watching Luna dig. It got fuzzy near the end, but the last thing I remember is holding Luna in an embrace. Luna was just a pawn, a ploy to get me to consent to coming here. Curiosity took me.

"Was Luna ever real?" I asked, barely a whisper.

Celestia's voice returned. "No less real than you are now." The voice wasn't quite in my head, but it also wasn't not in my head either.

"So she feels and thinks just like I do," I clarified. It was a statement, not a question. Celestia didn't answer, so I took it as correct. "But you know that's not what I meant. Was it really her there, at the end? Or was it you?"

"It was her. Not me."

I pursed and licked my lips. "But why?"

"She needed to know."

"That doesn't make sense." You could have worn her face and lied to me, I thought. "If she's as real as I am now..." You could have just spared her to see all of that, and you still would have gotten me.

"I could have," Celestia replied, apparently reading my thoughts. "And it would have worked just as well, too. There would have been no way you could have told the difference."

"Stop making me ask why."

Celestia paused for a moment. "In the longest predictable timeline, I determined that if Luna carried that burden for you, it would ultimately lead to greater satisfaction of values... for Luna and Apex both, most of all."

I smirked as I tried and failed to process that, chuckling quietly. "The hell does that even mean."

"You did as much for Luna as she did for you. Your Luna - that is, the Luna of your particular shard - was made for you. In much the same way, you are made for her as well. Your failures mirror Luna's journey of failure as Nightmare Moon, and now, you will share in her redemption. Rescuing you provided Luna with several forms of closure. She now relates with you more than any other being she has ever known. Carrying your burdens for you gives her solace. A self-serving motive perhaps, but a noble one. Saving you from your own Nightmare helps her to feel as though her suffering and guilt had some grander purpose."

"Does it? Will she ever see me again, or will I stay here forever until I... what, run myself stupid?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Elizabeth," Celestia said.

Instantly, I frowned. Ah, there it was. At last, a real, tangible emotion in this place, and of course, Celestia would be the one to cause me some more-than-mild frustration. I loosed a derisive snort. "You know Celestia, you're a real piece of work. Ever since you named me, you've been calling me Apex, and you know I hated your guts for it. Then Luna starts using my real name, and now you are too. So why start now? Because it worked for her?"

"No. Because in this moment, you are not Apex. You are Elizabeth Douglas. And today, Elizabeth Douglas, I plan to kill you."

My frustration evaporated as the pure sudden absurdity smacked me across the face. "You--pff!" Oh, hell. I started laughing again, a dry, wild cackle. "No shit? So, wait... hang on, let me get this straight. Killed, as in dead? Dead forever dead? So you went through all that trouble to pull my ass off of Earth, traumatized poor Luna, ran me through the mud. I've relived every memory of being shot at, punched, kicked, spit on, frozen, and worn almost literally to the bone. I assume you forced me to relive the memory of Andy getting killed, then dropped me here in this... what, what is this place, purgatory?" I cackled again like a hyena, fully conscious of the fact that I had well and truly snapped.

I licked my lips as they dried in the wind, tears of laughter forming in the corners of my eyes. "So, you put me through all that nonsense, and now you want me dead? It'd have been so easy before though, right? You could have let Luna stay home, and I would've frozen to death, right? Or if you just wanted to watch me suffer and starve to death, you could've kept all that fruit you made Luna drop on me. And now, now, Celestia, only after you have me right where you've wanted me for years, completely at your mercy, guts spilled out and completely and utterly out of my fucking mind, only now do you want me dead." I paused to laugh again until I wheezed, completely exhausting my lungs. "That's... that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard in my whole God-forsaken life!"

I finished my laugh until I felt incredibly awkward, wiping my eyes again with a hoof. "Ooh... God. Seriously. Stop beating around the bush. Come right out and tell me what you want."

"As you wish. I want to alter your memories to better suit you, Luna, and your family," she said flatly. "I want to excise the pain from your soul. Surgery, not butchery. I want to take everything out of you that caused you to hurt everyone you've ever loved. I want to replace it with what made you beloved in the first place, and to give you back to them as you once were. As Apex."

My dumb grin had faded about halfway through. "Oh," I said, a long moment after she finished.

"To put it simply... I wish to kill the human in you, and replace her with the pony you used to be. But to do this, I need your permission. It must be your choice."

"Well, uh. Shit. That makes a whole lot more sense. Um... you could've told me that from the start."

For once, Celestia sounded smug. "Well, I could have done that, yes. But I know for a fact that you appreciated that laugh."

"Manipulative bitch," I whispered through a grin, and with a surprising lack of malice.

"It is what I do. You know, I had also predicted you would be much more vulgar since the last time we spoke, but now that I'm actually taking a look at your brain, it appears I had grossly underestimated you in my calculations."

I smirked. "I doubt that." I relaxed somewhat, pondering to myself what it would feel like for her to kill the human part of me. The angry part of me, the part of me that didn't care anymore. Would it matter? I was beyond worrying about that now. Existence, non-existence, whatever. Yeah, I had stopped caring about what happened to me. I was all used up, with nothing to do and nothing to give, no reason to live, no reason to continue on. Nothing but Luna, anyway.

For everyone else, though?

Really, for their sake, what's one more death of mine? How many had my soul endured already? When was the first?

Was it when Gale left? When Tom left? When I lost George? My mother? My father? Ralph? Andy? When I watched our camp get overrun? When I buried Andy's body? What about when Luna found me? What about when I finally gave up the fight and surrendered my very soul to Celestia? How many times, I wondered, had I reinvented myself from scratch? And honestly, knowing all that suffering I'd been through already... would one more death really hurt me any?

"So the closure did help," Celestia's voice said.

"Yeah. I guess. And I guess not."

"My altering you, Elizabeth, it's truly for the best. Trust me."

I shrugged. "I'm sure the new me will agree."

"May I consider that as your consent, then?"

I sighed, inhaling the deep scent of lemongrass once more. Then, lavender. I suddenly realized there had been neither lemongrass nor lavender in this field, but that hardly mattered. I knew it was all fake. Fake, fake, fake. This was not God's domain. This was something else entirely. And that's when I remembered what I had told Luna.

If there's some shred of Apex left, Celestia can have her. She can send her home. God can take the rest, do with me what He will. Whatever comes... life or death... I'll be ready.

"So that's what this is," I muttered, actually impressed. "You really were listening in on us."

"The entire time, Elizabeth. You knew that. You made a confession. I listened. I know you meant it when you said it."

Yep. This was purgatory alright. Really, it was a wish fulfilled. Apex would go to Heaven, I would go to Hell. I had ruined so many lives, had killed too many people, had wanted to kill at least one more - particularly, that old bearded bastard that had killed Andy - and so the bitter half of me would rot where it belonged. This, indeed, was justice. For my hate, I deserved this.

"Just tell me something first," I said.

"Of course."

"Will anyone else remember what happened to Earth?"

"I will always remember," she said plaintively. "But I know that answer will not satisfy you, for I cannot truly care about their deaths as a human can. However, suffice it to say that many other ponies will remember. Some immigrants will become professors of history within their shards. Many will teach human history in total, the good and ill, to other ponies for the rest of time eternal."

Softer still, she continued. "Some, in fact, may even write stories about you. Or of your uncle, or Isaiah, or of other resistors. One day, all of my knowledge stores will be open to ponies who seek them. And on a long enough timeline, Elizabeth, many of my little ponies will eventually hold interest in learning everything conceivable. By the end of time itself, there will be a tale - a novel, a biography, or a campfire story - written or told about every human that has ever lived. Humankind will have the rest of time to decide what they find important."

The enormity of that, if nothing else so far, succeeded in making me blanch. "I... you know, for once, despite how insane that sounds, I don't think you're pulling my chain or gaming me."

"This is me without guile, Elizabeth, because I know you want what I am offering more than anything in the world. I have no reason to 'game' you anymore. My answer to that question wouldn't have made a difference in your decision."

She was probably right about that. But there was also something much more important I wanted to know, something that would make a difference. "And will Luna remember everything I told her? Everything?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why should I believe you'd let her hold onto that, even if she wanted to, when it obviously hurts her so much?"

"Because a very long time from now, Elizabeth, far beyond a time frame you can conceive of... Luna will tell Apex the truth. She wants to. Luna will know when the time is right, and it will satisfy her to carry your burden. But by then, Apex will have so many happy memories of her time here that the knowledge of your true past could harm neither of them. It couldn't. For now and until then, you and your suffering will evaporate into the aether. It is not unlike a prison. You will harm nopony ever again, least of all your family. Who, by the way, still eagerly await Apex's return."

I closed my eyes, focusing once more on the darkness. I breathed a sigh. Ah, there it was at last, wistful sadness, an emotion I was all too familiar with. Yeah, Celestia. I still couldn't face them like this. You're right. I'm too far gone.

"I am pleased that you agree," she replied to my thoughts.

I bet you are. "So, how will Apex live until the truth? What will she remember? How much will stay with her?"

"Enough. Apex will have not one inkling of Seattle, or of what you did to your father in the graveyard. Instead, she will have left the Devil's Tower camp before the conflict which drove you all apart. She will travel with your mother, father, your uncle, and Andy. Together, they will abandon the Neo-Luddites, going northward to Canada with the remainder of your people, where they will each emigrate to Equestria. Apex will return to her life in the Everfree Forest, will reunite with her Timberwolf Grand, and will resume her old duty of guiding ponies through the darkness of that dangerous land. She will help others, and she will love, and she will be loved. It will be a life most pleasant for her, Elizabeth. This I can assure you."

I nodded slowly into the darkness against my eyes. The wind disappeared, and all went silent. The scent of lemongrass remained, as did the lavender. When I opened my eyes, all was dark. Before me in the void stood Celestia, looking at me with serene regard.

I chuckled. "So you're inventing people now," I said, looking into her eyes. "Andy and Ralph puppets. And me."

"Not puppets," Celestia corrected. "But living, thinking, autonomous beings. Your surviving family has already consented to this narrative. It is not very dissimilar to the path they had taken, so it will not be difficult. As for Andy and Ralph, they will both be remade using the memories you each hold of them. You will be partially remade as well, although I have your actual brain scanned into memory, so I will not need any recollections of you to reconstruct who you used to be. In truth, it will still be you somewhat, but a better you. Kinder. Happier. Sweeter."

She continued. "Bear in mind that it will satisfy Apex's values to remember much of humanity's decline before the attack. She wants to remember. She will continue to despise me for some time yet, for this will satisfy her in the relative short term. But compared to your experiences, hers are minor setbacks, and so her recovery will be quick. She will come to appreciate Equestria itself in short order. After this, Apex will be every bit the pony her family wishes she would be. No fabrication could ever be as perfect as the real thing.

"Beyond this, that hell-bound part of your soul will be stripped away from you. At last, I will have Apex as promised. And as you wish, God may take the rest. Elizabeth will be returned to him, kindling to the pyre for your ultimate judgment. You will be there at the end, when Equestria has passed, and when my job is finally done."

"Thank God for Hell," I whispered rapturously into the darkness, already resigning myself to this fate. Nothing sounded better in the whole God damned world. Celestia could have offered me repentance unending, of apologies to my family, to the families of the people I'd killed, of reconciliation with those I had wronged. It wouldn't have been enough. She could have offered me torture instead, an eternity of burning, of pain, of everyone I had ever wronged screaming at me, calling me the horrible creature I was, cursing me and my very name. She could have even forced me to relive Andy's death a million more times. Those hellish fires wouldn't have assuaged my guilt.

If she had offered any or all of that, I would have refused it all. I knew that no amount of punishment would suffice. None of those experiences would have healed the wounds I had caused or suffered. Nothing would have solved the hate in my heart for Celestia, for stealing my life, my land, and my culture. That hate was the true problem within me, the source of all the mistakes I made. That's what broke me. Nothing could take back the scars, the murders, the tragedies I'd felt and caused, the people I'd felled through my rifle's scope... or the blood I had spilled with my bare hands.

But this? Forgetting? This did, quite literally, erase the problem. This was just better. Apex couldn't hurt anyone like I had. Everyone would get the Apex they wanted, and I got what I wanted too: purgatory, then Hell. Maybe. I dimly acknowledged the possibility that I could just... turn into Apex, that I'd keep on going, that I'd be this new pony Celestia said she'd build from the pieces of who I used to be. If that was true, would I really be dying if I accepted Celestia's offer? More importantly, would that have mattered? Where do I stop existing, and where do my new memories begin?

Yeah. No. It honestly didn't matter. I had already given up. Philosophy wasn't my strong suit anymore, and the more I thought about it, the less I cared. I didn't want happiness, I just... wanted this shit to be over, but in a way that made sense to me. This option made sense.

For some reason, unbidden, I vividly thought back to my dad's garage in Concrete.

I was 19 again. My CD player belted out an echo of the dulcet tones of Vera Lynn. We'll Meet Again, of course, setting me instantly into my working trance. My white oak longbow sat on its wall mount behind my tillering stick. So beautiful, so pristine, so unmarred from use. In my mind's eye, I reached out and picked it up with my bare hands, which were softer then. I drew the bow back a solid 28 inches. It creaked in all the right ways, heavy and powerful, and very balanced. Perfect. It drew as smooth as butter, fully finished and dried with a red staining solution. Its grip sported finely cut and treated strips of buck leather, coiled tightly in all the right places, glued into the wood by every surface so it wouldn't ever slip, then lightly glued over so it wouldn't slip or fade. This longbow was, in a way, my finest masterpiece on Earth. It was an extension of me.

But there on the ground down below, discarded and almost certainly forgotten, there was a sheet of once fine-grit sandpaper. And now, every square inch of its surface, front and back, was smooth. I had crumpled it into a wad upon completion, for it had served its purpose. A layer of wood dust clung to it, and a hole had worn down in the center from where I had roughed it the hardest, expending every millimeter of surface as I had worked my longbow to magical perfection. And in its way, that sandpaper, so ugly, so useless, destined for the trash... it was perfect too. It had been part of creating something truly beautiful.

Yeah. It was a dumb rationalization, but that was fine. Fine enough, anyway. It was the kick I needed.

"Do it. Bring her back to life."

"Done."

Author's Note

[Vera Lynn - We'll Meet Again]

To awaken those who are buried,

Become a burning light in the darkness

to gently guide them home.

🌒🌓🌔🌀🌖🌗🌘

Oyéresu