The Conversion Bureau: They've Gone Too Far

by Emperor

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Princess Celestia, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2983

The Conversion Bureau parody fic. After moving Equestria to Earth, the ponies sign an integration agreement with humanity. It is only after signing the agreement that Princesses Celestia and Luna find out just how morally degenerate mankind is.

One year after first meeting humanity, the ponies of Equestria have signed an integration agreement, binding humans to ponies, changelings, and all other intelligent species.

However, right after signing the agreement, Princesses Celestia and Luna find out just how morally degenerate mankind is.

A parody of the Conversion Bureau genre. Rated Teen + sex for some tame descriptions.

Day 8 of my Self-Imposed 28 Fics in 28 Days Challenge

Published 2017-02-08 22:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-08 22:10:01 UTC

Chapter 1

There was a bustle of activity in the compound, as humans and ponies alike rushed around, with the odd gryphon and changeling in the mix. There was only a few minutes until one of the most momentous moments in the history of all the races present, and everyone there wanted it to be perfect.

“Lighting?” A human asked as he wandered through with a clipboard. His pony companion backed up slightly, eying the amount of natural light the windows let in, and then the effect of the room’s artificial lighting.

“Check,” said the pony.

The human and the pony continued working their way through the list. Meanwhile, nearby, another group of ponies and humans were swivelling the chairs around, and placing pictures, busts and paintings just so, so that the cameras would catch all of the ornamental decorations. Today was a day rife with symbolism.

“Thirty seconds, everybody!” A woman shouted out. “Then it’s showtime!”

Quickly, most of the beings in the room scattered, with a couple of the coordinators making a few last-second checks. Then they cleared the area as well, leaving it spotless.

A mere few moments later, the front door was opened. Two men in dark suits walked in, followed by two unicorn ponies clad in gold armour. The men surveyed the room, and the unicorns cast spells to sweep the area for bugs. Finally, they all turned back and nodded an all-clear.

In strode the first two people. There had been a lot of debate about the order and positioning of those coming into the room, as even though it was ceremonial, it still mattered. In the end, the first two to come in were Princess Celestia, Solar Diarch of Equestria, and Rosa Martínez, the Chilean-born Secretary-General of the U.N. They were followed by Princess Luna, Lunar Diarch of Equestria, and Roshan Jayatissa, U.N. Deputy Secretary General. Though there were many more people coming in, including U.N. representatives, human presidents, and representative leaders of the other races of Equestria, everyone knew it was the first four who were the most important in the room.

Finally, everyone was gathered and in place. Rosa Martínez, as the leader of the planet hosting Equestria, went first. “We are gathered here today for this most momentous moment,” said the petite lady. She paused, waiting until all the translators who were simultaneously translating for the planetary broadcast caught up. “A year ago, humanity discovered they were not alone in the universe. One year later, we are glad to say we have come to an agreement.”

Martínez turned the floor over to Princess Celestia. “I want to say thank you to this planet for graciously accommodating us as new citizens of Earth,” said the Princess in accented English.

After Celestia finished her own bits, the Deputy Secretary-General was next to speak, followed by Princess Luna. The speeches had been written, re-written, then re-written again over and over until they were sanitised to the point of dullness, yet everyone in the room, and all those watching, all knew they were watching history in the making.

Following a long train of short speeches from each of the human leaders and representatives from the other races, commemorative pens were handed and hoofed out to each official in the room, and a long scroll was rolled out, detailing the beginnings of a treaty that would see Equestria invited into the U.N., with subnational states for the other races living there as well. There would be many more agreements on the way for Equestria to open its borders up for both trade and immigration, and the same for the rest of the world to Equestria.

For now, however, the world watched and cheered as the first agreement was signed.

“Princess Celestia, I’m Paper Press, with the Equestrian Post. What do you think of the proposal to resettle Earth ponies in the Sahara Desert to help reforest the region?”

Princess Celestia smiled at the brown stallion, eagerly hanging onto her every word. However, she was also careful to choose her words, aware of the protests against the proposal by some of the nomadic peoples of the region. “If the human nations within the region invite us in, then we would be glad to help them. No ponies, Earth pony otherwise, would be forced to relocate, however. Any who move would do so voluntarily.”

Paper Press quickly jotted down her words, using his wings as appendages. Meanwhile, next to Paper Press, a human was next to speak. “Princess Luna, I’m James Maxwell, reporter with the New York Herald. What are your thoughts on the idea that has been floating around for you to use your powers in causing the moon to rotate about on its own axis?”

Luna smiled wistfully. Though there had been many cultural clashes between humans and non-humans, the scientific community had sat up and paid attention once they found out what Princess Luna could do with her magic. Though Luna and Celestia were forbidden by terms of the treaty just signed from raising the sun and moon, thanks to the celestial bodies working fine on their own, they had been given the potential for new duties. While Celestia might use her powers to minimise solar flares and moderate sunspot activity over the course of the years, there was talk about using Luna to break the moon out of its tidally-locked orbit, and more besides.

“We will wait on the scientists and mathematicians to debate about the potential benefits and drawbacks first,” said Luna. “However, it is to our understanding that there would be little effect on the Earth herself, though the moon would experience a greater amount of geological activity. Of course, it would require human nations to come to an agreement to ask me to make it happen. Until we settle the moon, there does not appear to be much need for it yet.”

“Thank you. Princess Luna, what about the idea that has been floating around in the space and tech industries for you to help with terraforming?”

Luna knew all too well what the reporter was asking. Before Equestria’s arrival, some entrepreneurial humans had been working hard to travel to the planet Mars, the planet second-closest to Earth. However, Mars, along with the planet Venus, both lacked many things Earth had. “That is again something that will have to be looked at in a legal framework,” Luna cautiously said. “However, it is within my power to grab moons from Jupiter and lock them into orbit around Venus and Mars, or to take blocks of frozen space ice and put them on either of those planets.”

A number of reporters were quick to ask more follow-up questions. There had been many questions and problems to solve when the ponies had come to Earth. However, there was a subset of the human population, those who wished for mankind to soon travel the stars, who had seen Equestria’s arrival as an opportunity. The magical powers of the new sapient races would bring settlement of other planets many decades ahead of schedule.

Then a new reporter spoke up. “Princess Celestia, I’m Felicity Roan with the BBC.”

“An appropriate name,” Princess Celestia said bemused, causing many in the room to laugh.

Felicity Roan blushed, and said, “Trust me, I have gotten that a lot over the last year.” Then she pressed onwards. “Princess Celestia, what is the progress of the ponification serum?”

Much of the room sobered up immediately after that. There had been much, much debate about that project when it had been first revealed.

Celestia prepared herself for the onslaught of questions she was certain would come after that. “The ponification serum is still in development, and will continue to go through limited trials before we roll it out. As many of you will already know, we intend to use it as the base for many other serums to follow, including for transformation into gryphons, changelings, minotaurs, and of course, for ponies to transform into humans. However, again, we need to make sure the initial serum is perfectly designed and optimised before we tweak it to work for other races.”

“Can you offer a potential timeline for the first trial?”

Celestia took a deep breath, and answered, “I cannot make any promises, but I have been told it may be within the first three months. We still have to clear it up with the ethicists, but the first subjects will most likely be terminally ill patients who volunteer.”

A flurry of questions followed that. Both Princesses took it with grace as they answered to the best of their ability and diplomacy.

The two Princesses strode down the corridor with grace, multiple aides following behind them to assist at a moment’s request.

Celestia cast a privacy spell, then turned to Luna. “So, how was that, Luna?” Celestia asked, switched back to their native Equestrian.

Luna smiled wistfully. “Like I’ve finally come home,” she said. Though they would no longer be raising the sun and the moon, the two Princesses had acquired new duties and responsibilities that would help their subjects integrate better into this strange new land, and also help the humans with many of their own societal ills. “It’s a shame that Cadance and Shining Armor couldn’t come to the ceremony, or Twilight Sparkle.”

Celestia sighed. “It is a shame, but you know as well as I do that it will be easier to fit in if we start sending elected delegates to the United Nations and other bodies. Many of the humans already feel a little uneasy with us, two immortals who have held our offices for thousands of years. It will set their minds at ease if at every other level, our representatives are normal ponies who are elected into legislative or executive power, or appointed into bureaucracy.”

“That I know, sister,” Luna reminded her. “It just feels a little...sad, I guess, that Cadance, Shining Armor, and Twilight have all worked so hard, and yet they will be moving into ceremonial roles instead.”

“Even a pony who is a figurehead can still do much. Remember the Queen?” Celestia asked.

Luna giggled. “Yes. Queen Elizabeth is a mare after our own hearts. Ah, woman, not mare. It is a good thing the tabloids did not hear that!”

The two sisters shared a chuckle over that.

“Princess Celestia! Princess Luna!”

Celestia looked up to see a red-coated stallion rushing their way, holding a tablet in his magical grip. She recognised him as one of her trusted assistants and royal scribes, Brave World. Quickly, Celestia adapted her privacy spell to include the unicorn. “What is it, Brave?” she asked him.

Brave swallowed. The stallion looked nervous. Celestia kept her composure even as she internally fretted about what had him on edge. Today was an important day, and she did not want something to ruin it. “Well, um, princesses...do you recall how the humans started to expand their internet into Equestria?”

“Yes, I do. It was one of the first things I approved once I realised the potential of it,” Celestia said. While she could teleport mail to other ponies in the blink of an eye, that was not an option for the majority of ponies. Celestia was certain the internet would help bring everypony, everygryphon, every human closer together.

“Weeeell, the first internet connections in Equestria went online just this morning,” said Brave. “And as we ‘surfed’ the internet, we found some...disturbing content.”

“Disturbing? We are already aware of the many dark spots in the humans’ past, such as their numerous genocides,” Luna said.

“Oh, no, nothing like that!” Brave stuttered. “It’s-um, er…” His already-red face was flushed further with embarrassment.

“Please, do not be afraid to tell us,” Celestia said calmly, attempting to coax Brave into swallowing his fear or embarrassment, she could not tell which.

Brave sighed. “Alright, your Majesties. Um...here,” he said, flipping the tablet he was holding around in his grasp.

Celestia looked at the tablet, and let out a gasp. Had she been holding the tablet herself, it would have dropped by now.

“What in Zacherle’s name?!” Luna exclaimed from next to her.

There were pictures, many of them, but they all had a similar subject: lewd pictures of Princesses Celestia and Luna.

“I did some running on the numbers,” Brave explained, his voice suddenly becoming detached as the stallion seemed mortified by what he had just showed his princesses. The royal aide soldiered on nonetheless. “After Equestria appeared on Earth and the two of you made your first televised broadcast, there were over ten thousand pictures drawn in the first day, and two hundred erotic novels written and self-published over the internet. Already, there are over a million forms of media on the internet, in pictures, stories, and even videos.”

Celestia took the tablet in her hooves, scrolling down. Her face reddened as she saw one especially graphic picture of her kissing Luna. She quickly scrolled past that, only for a video to load. “How did they even make these videos?” Celestia asked morbidly.

By this point, Brave was looking off to the side, anywhere but at the faces of his Princess. “We think they found willing mares who closely resembled the two of you. With a little bit of magic, props and video editing, they could make it appear like it was actually you in the video.”

“Is that us and Thorax?!” Luna gasped as another video showed up. Her cheeks were on fire as the video turned very graphic in the first few seconds, with the faux-Luna and faux-Celestia showering attention on King Thorax’ ‘crown’. It was scandalous, yet Luna couldn’t help but watch as the video progressed. King Thorax turned things around on the two Princesses, paying tribute to their ‘royal curtains’ with his long forked tongue. Then things got really heated, and by that point Luna scrolled away from the video to the next thing on the list.

“I-uh, I looked at the immigration numbers so far. There seem to be a disproportionate number of changelings moving to a place called ‘California’ for job offers. It seems there’s an, ah, booming, um, adult video industry there,” Brave said, fidgeting nervously. “We think Queen Chrysalis of the changelings is hiding out there, and doing centrefolds for some of the magazines.”

Luna looked at the next video, which showed Chrysalis making out with another pony who looked a lot like her sister. The changeling seemed intent on getting as much tongue action with the actress playing Celestia as possible. Then the camera followed one of Chrysalis' hooves as it wandered down the faux-Celestia's body, across the length of her barrel, and then halted over her nethers. Luna quickly scrolled away from the video before it could continue.

“How many?” Celestia felt faint as she asked the question. “How many ponies already have access to the internet?”

“T-ten thousand households, Princess. Over a third of them have already visited an adult site of some sort or another.”

Celestia’s eyes opened wide as she heard the number. Over three thousand of my little ponies! And more still if they continue to hook up the internet!

Then her eyes strayed, and she found the worst image of them all. It was so awful that her mind blanked out, until her thoughts wandered onto an irrelevant subject. Someone spent a lot of time drawing and colouring that.

She shook her head. Lese-majeste rules had been repealed many centuries ago, but Celestia had never thought anybody would dare draw a picture of herself in a massive orgy with her sister, Princess Cadance, Princess Twilight, and numerous royal guards. What was worse, the artist had drawn all their genitalia in loving detail, especially hers.

“Sister!” Luna whispered from beside her.

Celestia made up her mind. It was clear something needed to be done. “Brave World,” she said in a stern voice.

“Y-yes, Princess!” Brave World turned back to face her, struggling to keep a straight face even as his teeth were almost chattering.

“Brave World, you will go find my council, and organise them. You will keep these orders an absolute secret. I did not realise just how degenerate these humans were, to do-to do this!” Celestia said, unable to keep her eyes from wandering over the picture of the orgy. She was morbidly fascinated, and had to turn the tablet around to keep from looking at it again. “Then, we will rush development on our ponification serum. Once it’s done? I’ll have three words for my scientists.”

“Convert. Them. All.”

Author's Note

I've wanted to do a parody of TCB for a while. I tossed out a couple of ideas, but this one was the most zany, so I ran with this idea instead. Yes, there's plot holes, but c'mon: if a bunch of sapient ponies and other races showed up in our world tomorrow, do you really think there wouldn't be tons of porn and erotica drawn and written by the end of the week?

So, you know, even though this fic is meant to be a silly riff on TCB with the ending, it introduces a cool idea I've had: specifically, that in a world where ponies come into Earth and make friends with humans and everything, assuming Celestia and Luna still have enough magical power to move celestial bodies, they could make terraforming efforts massively easier. Maybe Luna could break the moon from its tidal-lock so that it rotates on its own (not changing the revolution around the Earth, but the moon itself actually rotating like Earth and its 24-hour rotation). It wouldn't do very much to Earth, but there isn't much of a rationale for doing it either, unless you settle on the Moon (so the people on the Moon would be able to switch between the Earth and the Sun throughout a lunar day).