Starlight Writes a Fictional Auto Biography
This is the account of Secret Agent 006, alias Starlight Glimmer. I am a Secret Agent working under the L.S.S, or better known as the Lunar Secret Service. We are Beautiful, we are Deadly, and we work for Luna!
“Isn’t that a direct rip off of Charlies Angels?”
“So? Ponies rip off other ponies material all the damn time! Your Power Ponies series you love so much is a direct rip off of the Marvel Universe and Power Rangers!”
Our objective? To work in secret to uncover danger where ever it lies. It’s not a glamorous job, but some pony has to do it! My two co-hort’s are the magically gifted and clever Sunset Shimmer, and the beautiful master of illusion Trixie Lulamoon. Sunset is strong and athletic, able to scale walls and lift heavy objects with her bare hooves!
“Even though she has magic which makes all of that totally pointless!”
“Your EXISTENCE is totally pointless Spike!”
Trixie Lulamoon is the brains of our little operation. She comes up with the many tricks and gadget’s we use to conceal ourselves in plain sight. She’s beautiful, intelligent, smoking hot, sexy….
“We get it Starlight, you totally have the hots for her.”
“YOU’R JUST JEALOUS CAUSE YOUR NOT SEXY LIKE TRIXIE!!!!”
And finally there’s me, Starlight Glimmer! I’m the leader of our little group, well second to Luna. I handle everything from Mission briefing, making out with Trixie, tactical planning, more making out with Trixie, going undercover usually while fantasizing about making out with Trixie…...
“Are you ever going to get to the main plot of the story? This is kind of getting boring!”
“Well I MIGHT be able to Spike if you would kindly STOP INTERUPTING!!!”
Our story begins on a calm Sunday afternoon, I have just received a letter in the mail and...
“Hang on, there’s no post on Sundays.”
“It’s a FICTIONAL STORY SPIKE!!! I’m allowed to use creative license here!”
Along with several steamy letters from dear Trixie, I had received an anonymous envelop with the words (Important Open Immediately in Private) written in red on the front. I know immediately this must be another Top Secret Assignment! Quickly I teleported back into my private office and opened the envelop with surgical precision. Inside was a tape recorder. Quickly I pressed the play button and a familiar voice boomed out of the speakers.
STARLIGHT GLIMMER!! YOUR MISSION IF THOUGH CHOOSETH TO ACCEPT IT IS TO INFONTRATE THE NEWLY CONSTRUCTED BARNYARD BARGAINS LOCATED DOWNTOWN MANEHATTEN. WE BELIEVE IT IS THE SOURCE OF RECENT ILLEGAL DRUG TRAFFICING FROM SADDLE ARABIA. REPORT BACK TO BASE IMMEDIATELY TO BEGIN YOUR ASSIGMENT!
Setting down the tape recorder I immediately knew this was not going to be an easy mission. With great haste I made my way out the door and made a direct bee line for headquarters.
“Wait, what about the tape exploding in ten seconds?”
“If you don’t stop interrupting me I will make YOU explode in ten seconds Spike!!!”
I reached base in record time, and after scanning myself in I made my way directly to the briefing room. Upon entering I found Princess Luna and Sunset Shimmer waiting for me. Or at least I found them lying on top of each other on the table while waiting for me. They quickly jumped to their hooves upon my arrival trying their best to pretend nothing had happened. Their relationship was a secret from everypony, but both Trixie and I were well aware of it after constantly finding them entangled in the oddest positions everywhere from the lounge, the kitchen, the bathroom……
“This isn’t going to turn into one of those weird stories Twilight constantly buys, lock’s herself in her room yelling to not be disturbed, and spending several hours moaning and screaming yes do it harder Starswirl is it?”
Luna immediately went to debriefing, showing us a hologram layout of our target and explaining our objectives. Sunset was to go first, taking out all security guards and camera’s from outside the facility. Next Trixie was to sneak past and hack into their computer system, relaying to us floor plan layout’s and the exact location of the illegal substances. After that Sunset and myself where to make out way inside, take out any guards and personal as discreetly as possible, steal the stolen goods, and report back to the rendezvous point for extraction. As soon as the briefing was done Sunset and I bid farewell to Luna and headed down to the armory to meet with Trixie.
“Don’t you mean your snuggy wuggy smoochy woochy cuddle bear?”
“Shut up Spike!”
Trixie greeted us with a wave to Sunset and a kiss on the lips for me. She showed us a few of her amazing new gadgets such as her jet propulsion boot’s allowing us to jump several stories into the air, extra and heat seeking googles allowing us to see through walls and detect lifeforms, and bullet proof mission’s suit’s that where capable of taking rounds from a Magnum all the way up to turret guns.
“Which AGAIN is completely pointless as all three of you are unicorns and able to teleport and produce magic force fields!”
“Don’t you have something better to do Spike? Like humping that Rarity body pillow you bought last Rainbow Falls exchange?”
“HEY, WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO ENTER MY ROOM? Besides it’s not like I’m the only one around here who uses toys. I’ve seen your bondage collection you hide under your bed!!”
“You enter my room all the time as you just admitted to, and furthermore that collection you refer too is for myself and Trixie. So at least I have an actual girlfriend unlike you who are stuck fantasizing with a pillow about a mare who hardly notices your existence and will never love you!”
The three of us geared up and prepared to board our hover craft heading toward our destination.
“OH MY GOD YOU CAN ALL TELEPORT!!! JUST FUCKING TELEPORT!!!”
“IT’S MY STORY SPIKE, FUCK OFF!!”
“WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE!!! I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF VERY IMPORTANT PRINCESS WORK AND CAN’T BE DISTURBED!!!”
“Does this Very Important Princess Work happen to involve reading books?”
“Shut up Spike! What would you know about being a Princess? Anyway what the actual fuck are you two doing?”
“Starlight’s writing a terrible self-insert fanfiction, and I’m trying to help!”
“IT’S NOT FANFICTION SPIKE, AND IT’S NOT TERRIBLE EITHER!! It’s a very original story about action and romance. And further more you’re not helping!!!”
“Oooooooooh, can I help? I don’t mean to brag but I’m rather good at reading and writing books?”
“What about your Very Important Princess Work?”
“Oh it can wait, helping my student is far more important.”
The hover craft took us to a tall building across the street from our target, we jumped out and Sunset immediately set to work taking out a sniper rifle and silently incapacitating all outside guards and security cameras.
“Hang on, wouldn’t a gun make a loud bang when firing? How would that be stealthy in any way?”
“It’s called a muffler Spike, it silences the noise making it stealthier.”
Shortly after Trixie shimmied her way down the fire escape and made her way down the pipeline, she plugged in her laptop and began hacking the computer interface. I could hear her whining about getting grime all over her beautiful mane and fur, but I assured her afterward the two of us could share a hot and rather intimate shower. A light blush rose to my cheeks at the thought of the two of us soaping each other down, our hooves caressing our most private areas….
“Er, is this part really necessary?”
“Yea, I thought this was supposed to be a spy story, not one of Twilight’s erotica’s she keeps hidden under her mattress.”
“You two just don’t understand because your both single for life!!”
Trixie indicated the all clear, and Sunset and I activated our googles as the floor plans were brought up on screen. Quickly we made our move stealthily trotting into the interior of the complex. According to our data the illegal substances were being kept on the top level of the building.
“Hang on, if somepony Is hiding something illegal wouldn’t they hide it underground in some secret bunker or vault?”
“You mean like Celestia hiding the Elements of Harmony in the throne room unguarded where anypony would get to it?”
“Or like you keeping a magical table in your unguarded castle where anypony who want’s too can just waltz in at any time and mess with it? Now both of you HUSH, I’m getting to the good part!”
We quickly made our way toward the top floor, dispatching any guards that attempted to stop us with relative ease. At last we finally arrived and broke through the locked door! Inside we found what we were looking for, several crates full of clearly illegal substances imported from Saddle Arabia, however it was also heavily guarded by no more than thirty well-armed henchmen. Their leader was also present, sitting in his plush arm chair high on a balcony, he sneered down at us bearing all 42 of his sharp teeth. He had no hair to speak of, wore a bright green military uniform, and was drinking an orange martini. Doris taunted us as…….
“Hold on, his name is Doris?”
“What? Doris can be a guy’s name too!”
Doris taunted us telling us our attempts were futile, he had prepared incase someponies ever attempted to infiltrate his secret layer and…...
“Hold on, secret layer? I thought you said they were in Barnyard Bargains? Everypony knows where that is!!”
“Yea, as much as I hate to agree with Spike he does kind of have a point!”
“AND YOU TWO HAVE A MOTHER FUCKING CASTLE WITH NO MOTHER FUCKING SECURITY!! EVEN AFTER I BROKE INTO IT!!!”
“HEY, I said I was working on it. I already have a guard in mind, I’m just waiting to see if he’s available….”
“………. It’s that guy with weird spikey blue hair isn’t it?”
“SHUT UP!!!!”
With a wave of his hoof several henchmen surrounded us armed with missile launchers, swords, and thomas guns.
“Er, don’t you mean tommy guns?”
“It’s called creative license Twilight! Surely as a self-proclaimed published author you would know about such things!”
Sunset and I merely smirked, too bad there wasn’t more guards to make it more of a fair fight, for them that is. With relative ease we unleashed our powerful unicorn magic on the hapless guards as they fell like marionettes cut from their strings.
“OH MY GOD!!! IF YOU WERE GOING TO DO THAT WHY BOTHER WITH ALL THE WEAPONS AND STUFF?”
And then we unleashed our guns and grenade launchers on them for good measure.
“FUCK!!”
All that remained was Doris, who stood tall above the balcony cackling like Princess Twilight about to perform one of her bizarre late night experiments.
“HEY!!!”
He informed us we were no match for his superior cunning and intellect comparable to that of Princess Twilight.
“Aww, you think I’m that intelligent?”
I informed him how I once made Princess Twilight my bitch!
“HEY!!!”
It was like swapping a fly with a Ford Focus!
“You do realize I am standing right here right?”
“Yes Twilight, I am keenly aware!”
Instantly he sprang into action, wielding dual heat seeking rocket launchers and a most unpleasant sneer. Sunset and I predicted this however and quickly set up a large shield before he could fire off a shot. The rockets barreled into our shield, but it held strong. Swearing louder than Twilight while PMSing…
“I DO FUCKING NOT!!!”
He immediately moved toward the control panel hoping to save his precious cargo, but again we had predicted this. Pulling out a grapping hook, I immediately shot at the cargo hitting dead on center, followed by whistling and firing upward at the glass ceiling. On cue a helicopter remote piloted by Trixie appeared catching the second hook, and began carrying it away to safety.
“Wait, Barnyard Bargains has a glass ceiling? Since when?”
“CREATIVE LICENSE YOU MORON!!!”
Doris screamed in anger, and jumped onto the cargo holding on for dear life as he was lifted up with it. Sunset and I nodded at each other and quickly fired two stunning spells directly at the small of his back, knocking him off the cargo and back onto the cold floor. Tying him up, we signaled for Trixie to make her way back to the rendezvous point as we turned to leave ourselves. Later that evening we met back at HQ and celebrated with tons of Cider, Hay burgers, and fries. As for Trixie and I we ended our day back at my place for a little intimate sleepover.
“That’s it? That’s the whole story?”
“What do YOU know about writing a good story Spike? You’ve never written anything in your life!”
“Other than several well drafted reports to Princess Celestia you mean?”
“Let me rephrase that, you haven’t written anything anypony actually CARES about in your entire life!”
“Um, is the part about me PMSing really necessary?”
“Of course! I have to add a little bit of factual humor here and there!”
“BUT THAT’S TOTAL BULL SHIT!!!”
“Twilight, there’s a REASON no pony has built or moved into any houses with in a twenty-foot radius of our castle.”
“Out of respect for my privacy as a Princess?”
“No, because no one want’s their foal picking up certain words from you!”
“Whatever, now if you two will excuse me I’ve got to return to my very important Princess work, and maybe read a nice book to get those images of Trixie and Starlight making love out of my head. Maybe I’ll go drown myself in a lake afterward.”
“Can I take over beating up Spike after you die?”
“NO!”
