The C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ Apocalypse

I simply could not believe how close I had gotten to death. Or was I dead? I don’t know. Could I even think in this unconscious state? Probably not. Despite this, I decided to keep on thinking.

Why would the important princesses bring in more humans? Was it because of the apocalypse? What happened to them? I was going to bombard them with questions the moment I got to the castle.

Then I started wondering. What if I aimed a gun at them? Could I take them hostage? Wait a minute... if I had a gun now, could I free myself? I was a slave… but… I don’t know… I really liked it here. I liked all of my pony friends, despite how harsh I was on them. Even my owner, Applejack.

I think that’s why they made the foolish decision to give my psychotic ass a gun in the first place. They knew I wasn’t bout that life. Besides, what would I do after taking them hostage? That would just put me into quite the predicament. I don't think I could mentally follow through with it anyway.

Whatever.

If the important princesses were the ones who brought in that group of punk bitches, then they made our situation a whole lot worse. I hope, from what I heard, that Discord killed those dumb motherfuckers. He seemed to still have his powers, so that was good. I dunno why he wasn’t saving us from the apocalypse, but whatever. As long as he could fuck up them boys for me, I was good for now.

I slowly regained consciousness, but I could only hear muffled words. I was laying on a bed, I think. The pain I felt before I passed out arose again, but I couldn’t even move. Well, I was paralyzed, but I seemed to be struck by fools. I want to move right through, and get back with my crew!

Beautiful.

If my body matches what my eyes can’t do, I’ll probably move-

Lightning bolt.

Unfair! How can you strike me while I’m unconscious?

I am God.

Wow.

I felt some movement come back. The words were becoming a little clearer, but I had the song stuck in my head now. After a high-pitched ringing raped my eardrums, I finally made out what they were saying.

“You sure you can’t at least check?” Dash’s voice asked from my left side.

“I … look, quit asking. I don’t feel like being in the middle of this ethical dilemma right now.”

The other mare sounded familiar, but I couldn’t make her voice out. She was on my right side.

“I’m sorry,” Dash replied, “I’m just looking after my own well-being here, okay? I wasn’t in my right mind. I was high.”

“Even if he has an STD, you would likely notice it right away. That stuff spreads like wildfire through cross-species.”

Now I knew it was one of the nurses. Redheart, I think.

“Ick.”

“Yeah… that’s why you don’t go jumping on alien cock right away. Damn.”

“I SAID I WAS HIGH!”

“Okay okay, relax.”

There was a bit of shuffling by my bedside. Redheart lowered her voice.

“So… how was it?”

“I don’t know! I was high. I don’t remember much of it.”

“Surely you remember something?”

“Ah… well… from what I remember, it felt reeeeeally fucking good. Could just be the weed talking though.”

“Nice.”

“So how long will he be out?” Dash asked her.

“Could be a while. Like I said, the damage was pretty severe, but you never can tell. He’s a human, so we’re all a bit uncertain about everything.”

My right eye was throbbing. I could feel something wrapped around it, but I still couldn’t move. I tried really hard, and eventually, I could wiggle my fingers.

“He’s moving!” Dash exclaimed, “Awe shit, I hope he didn’t hear any of that. Do you think he might have heard any of that?”

“Well he can probably hear you now!”

“Crap. Don’t worry about it, D. We were just talking about how I stole candy from your jacket. Sorry, D.”

“We should give him some peace," Redheart mentioned, "oh, wait a minute...”

“What?” Dash asked.

There was rustling on the side of the bed Redheart was on. There were also some beeps.

“Shoot. It looks like I am going to need a urine sample from him. I’ll be right back.”

I heard Redheart walk out the door. Dash huffed before getting close to my ear.

“D, if you can hear me… she’s gonna try and fuck you, I just know it. Don’t fall for it. We can talk later, but I’ll let you have seconds and thirds and whatever if you refrain for now.”

I felt her hoof brush my hair.

“Thanks, D.”

I heard more steps through the door.

“Oh, hey AJ,” Dash said.

“How is he?” AJ asked.

“Well, he can’t talk yet, but he’s wigglin’ his fingers. Nurse said he could wake up whenever really.”

I heard AJ walk up to where Redheart was.

“Do you think his eye’ll be alright?” she asked, “I need him to be productive on the farm when we beat this stupid shit. I’ll probably put him on a lot of double shifts to catch up.”

“I’m not sure. The nurse didn’t go into detail,” Dash explained.

So my eye was fucked up. I mean, I remember it getting fucking shredded under that boy’s knife, but what happened to it? My impatient ass was ready to wake up and see. I felt it coming on, slowly but surely.

After a little while, I woke up fully. Dash and AJ weren’t by the bedside anymore, but Redheart was, fiddling with the IV monitor next to me. I looked over, but there were no IVs attached to me. This motion caught her eye.

“Oh hiya, D'mitry! How are you?” she asked, setting her front hooves on the side of my bed to lean over me. The bed was really low for some reason.

“I’m okay.”

“Okay, good. Do you remember what happened to you?”

“I... uh... got my eye sliced?”

“That’s right. So, I put you on some drugs and used a special cream we have to calm your eye’s irritation. Your friend Rarity came in and used the last of her magic to help me repair the lens of it.”

“What? How the fuck does she know how to do that?”

“Don’t ask too many questions, sweetie. Rarity is a very smart unicorn.”

“Uh… ok?”

“Anyway, the spell Rarity used will take a while to come into effect. After that, your eye may become functional again, if it works.”

“Geez, it’s not even functional?”

“From what I could see, no. The cut was deep enough to render it useless. But hopefully Rarity’s spell will work. She may have just saved your eye.”

“Awesome. Can you tell her thanks for me? I’ll tell her myself once I’m moving again.”

“Sure thing, hun. But first, do you need anything?”

I met eyes with her, watching her flutter her eyelashes.

“No… I-”

“You sure I can’t help you with anything?”

...

“You wanna fuck me, don’t you?”

Her cheeks blushed. It was funny seeing white mares' cheeks blush, because those motherfuckers burned. It was harder to tell on darker ponies, but it was blatantly obvious on white ponies.

“Well… I mean… if you want to, we can…”

Ahem.

“WHOA!” she exclaimed, backing off the bed and looking all around the room.

“Yeah, we aren’t alone. That’s the Author,” I explained.

“Author?”

I am God. Or Author. Whichever.

“W- where did he come from?” she asked.

“I don’t know. He just popped up.”

“Uh… well, Mr. Author, could you please leave me alone with my patient?” she asked, gazing up at the ceiling.

I’m not in the ceiling, Redheart. And that is impossible. I am omnipotent.

“Oh yeah?” I asked, “Then what is Celestia doing at this very second?”

You’re not gonna believe this … but she is literally pissing. Like, just started three seconds ago.

“Uhhhhh…”

Yeah.

“Well, could you just leave us alone or something?” Redheart pressed.

Can’t y’all do anything else? There’s a damn zombie apocalypse going on, in case you forgot. I think y'all got bigger issues to tend to here. Move on already.

“NO!” Redheart exclaimed, a fire growing in her voice. “I’ve been overworked for the past two fucking weeks, I don’t know where my family is, I’ve been swamped with this new illness, and I am FUCKING STRESSED! CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE WITH HIM?! PLEASE?!”

Holy shit.

“I’m sorry. But please?”

Alright, listen. I’m going to use my powers to do something. The only way I can mitigate my presence is if I fast-forward time in a specific way. That way, whatever happens, happens. I’m not involved. Just you two. Might wanna think about this one, D’mitry.

“Wait wait wait! Don’t put me in this predicament!”

You’ll be fine. See ya in a bit ;)

**@(((𐐒**@@)(@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^&*($!@$&!$!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!F@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!@@#()!@*(&*($!@&*($&!@*($!@&*($!@$&!@*()$&*@!^$&*!@*$@&!*($&!@*(&$*(@($!**

I laid in the hospital bed, Redheart laying beside me.

“Thank you hun,” she said, rubbing her hoof up and down my chest.

Aw shit.

“Shut the fuck up,” Redheart complained, easing herself off the bed. She brushed her forelegs and fixed her nurse’s cap. “Really, I appreciate it. Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Thanks, Redheart.”

She walked out of the room.

Dude, Dash is gonna kill you.

I know, I know … but … maybe she won’t find out.

Oh yeah?

Don't tell her!

Quit fucking everypony and I won’t, ya sinning fuck! CONDEMNED!

What?

REPENT! REPENT!

Jesus.

Yeah, you need him alright.

Dash suddenly walked into the doorway. She had a confusing look on her face, as if she was happy to see me awake, but skeptical. She stepped up to my bedside.

“You’re awake. You feeling alright?” she asked.

“Y- yes.”

Her face dropped with disappointment.

“You fucked her, didn’t you?”

He definitely did.

“Fuck you, Author!” I exclaimed.

“C’mon, D. I thought we had something for a second. I know we were high, but damn. You had me feeling some kinda way. Then you get with that bitch?”

“I'm sorry Dash. She was just... stressed... I mean, I know we all are, but she really seemed like she needed it, okay? She was so passionate, she even got the Author to do some magic time shit. I’m sorry.”

“Eh... whatever. It is what it is. Did she at least give you any information about what happened?”

“Uh… well, I learned a bit about my eye. But not much besides that,” I answered, glancing around at the room. “This is the Ponyville hospital, ain't it?”

“It is,” she answered.

“What happened with those little human shitheads? Did Discord kill them?”

“Not exactly. He used his last magic to send them back before helping us escort you here.”

"Oh, so he's out of magic now?"

"Apparently so."

"Well that's great. Not like we coulda used that or anything. Wonderful."

"Tell me about it."

I rubbed my face frustratingly. This news wasn't great, but at least the humans were gone.

“So... how did those shitheads get here in the first place?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” she replied, shrugging her shoulders.

“Author?”

What?

“Where did the kids come from?”

I can’t tell you that! You bonehead. What do you think this is?

“But you’re omnipotent.”

Gah. Shoulda never told your dumbass that. You can’t just request that kinda information. Celestia was a one-time thing. You’re gonna break the universe if you keep it up.

“Fine fine,” I replied, turning back to Dash. “Are the others downstairs? I wanna see 'em.”

“You need to rest.”

“Ugh. Fine.”