The C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ Apocalypse

Celestia’s sun beamed overhead as we edged along the trail.

It turned out that Redheart was right. After Doc Hooves and the nurses were finished with Cloud yesterday, they had to give me some Ambidextrious to-

Ambe-vexion, moron.

Yeah whatever. Who cares? Fantasy ass medicine.

Fantasy, huh?

Well, I mean... not fantasy. It was real. They put me on some of this Ambidevextrious, which turned out to be some weird-looking red liquid.

I don’t remember much after drinking it, which allowed them to 'surgically' remove the bullet fragments from my leg and patch up the wound. After the quick surgery, Twi spent some time by my bedside—partly to keep me company, and partly to hear more about Pinkie biting me. However, I was high on the Ambevextrious most of the day and throughout the night, so she gave up pretty quick.

This morning, she had come into my room to discuss leaving me there.

But I fought. I fought hard.

Not physically or whatever… I just argued with everybody. Twi and AJ even smacked me upside the head a few times, but I persisted. Rarity also fought to come with. Cloud said fuck y’all and stayed back. She wasn’t really scheduled to go to Canterlot anyway.

Besides her, Discord and Fluttershy also stayed back at the hospital. She was showing symptoms of turning, so we left her to rot- I mean, left her to be with Discord and the hospital staff. There was no mention of what to do with her, because why would we discuss something important like that? Pssssht. Whatever. Twi was getting tired of this shit, so she told the hospital staff to figure it out for themselves.

Rarity and I limped along, suffering the trip for the sake of all of Equestria and beyond. With each step we took, my leg hurt like a bitch. It was okay though—it was starting to feel better than yesterday. I could feel it in my skin.

As we walked, I caught sight of a rock along the dirt. I kinda wanted a rock, so I took a second to sling off my backpack and collect it. While I did, one of the guards paused beside me. He and another royal guard from the hospital decided to join us on our walk this time, seeing as though we couldn’t walk 1 mile without somebody getting horribly injured. Redheart also came along again, this time hauling a small cart full of supplies behind us.

“What do you need that for?” the guard asked me.

“I wanna rock.”

He raised one eyebrow, trying to figure me out. Yeah, good luck with that. Hahaha.

“So,” I continued, standing up. “You guys are trained for stuff like this?”

The guard and I continued walking.

“Trained for what?” he asked.

“Stuff like this.”

“What is ‘stuff like this’? What are you talking about?”

“Stuff. Like. This.”

“Fucks sake. Yes. We are trained to serve and protect. So if that’s what you mean, then yes, I guess…”

“Y’all are doing a shit job.”

“Thank you. Really appreciate it.”

“Seriously. Y’all are utterly fucking useless. The fuck are you even here for?”

“Human, please—we’ve been trying. During the surprise zombie attack, we weren’t even in the lobby. We were helping solve a dispute upstairs. Why, I couldn’t tell you, but that was wrong place, wrong time. Back at Princess Twilight’s castle, we only had spears to defend ourselves. King even hucked his at one of the bastards, but the human dodged it and damn near blew his head off for it. And as for when they stormed the hospital yesterday, they took ponies in the lobby hostage instantly, so we were forced to surrender.”

“Hmm.”

“Yeah, I can’t tell you how frustrated I am about this crap too. I want to be useful more than anything. That’s why we’re coming this time.”

We’d left a couple royal guards left to defend the hospital, so hopefully we would not get a repeat of yesterday. Maybe if we did not–ahem–waste time looting a useless fucking train station–ahem–we might be alright.

Hey, there was a beer in there.

That Rarity RUDELY destroyed!

My bandages were wrapped tight to withstand the trip, but pain continued searing through my leg every time I took a step. I began to wonder why the fuck I even fought to come. This upcoming walk could very well kill my dumbass. Oh well. I really wanted to see Celestia.

For what? You really wanna ask her what her problem is that bad?

Well… I also want a chainsaw.

Ah, of course.

As the day dragged on, there wasn’t much zombie commotion. Like, none. Coulda just said we didn’t encounter any. Oh, and I guess I should maybe include the fact that we passed the train station and were walking along the tracks now? Perhaps that would help the reader’s visualization, right Author?

Yes, that would help. I’d strongly suggest that.

K. So, we passed the train station and the wretched bodies of the boys. We didn’t bother to move them or anything, because fuck them. Shitheads. Anyway, afternoon came and left after we stopped to eat lunch. It was a rough day, but it was the best we had since the apocalypse started. However, confusion and trouble built in my fragile mind.

It didn't help that Redheart didn't seem very flirtatious anymore. I tried to crack a few jokes with her and get her worked up, but they kinda fell flat. I don't know why she suddenly didn't appear interested, but maybe she just wasn't feelin' it.

Celestia’s sun was falling now. Evening was here, which meant that night was on its way. That’s usually how it works.

“Why is Celestia lowering the sun now?” I asked Twi.

“So, there's this thing called radiation retention that involves, obviously, radiation. As it pertains to Celestia's sun and her supermagic ability to control our natural motion around it, this retention is likely to be affected by potential loss of her supermagic alongside her regular unicorn magic. As for alicorns, this is detrimental to our health and energy, regardless of our power and ability to retain it. This energy retention has exponential growth if she, say, holds it for 20 hours as opposed to the typical ~12 or so. If they've decided to put both sun and moon in a kinetic orbital lock, this is handl-"

I stuck my index finger over her mouth as she spoke, causing her to stop.

“D’mitry terms, please,” I requested before releasing my finger.

“Ah… sorry… so, yeah, she has to lower it or she'll get tired and stuff.”

“Okay cool.”

"I'm not sure if she put it in a kinetic orbital lock or not. That just means she disconnects her control over it and let's the solar system handle it for now."

"Uh... okay... why wouldn't she just let the solar system handle it all the time?"

"We princesses really like having power."

"Ah."

I started wondering where we would stop to sleep. We definitely wouldn’t be able to walk to Canterlot in a single day, especially given our circumstances. I walked by Twi’s side, noticing her gaze up at me in my peripheral vision.

“Do you think Fluttershy turned by now?” she whispered.

I sighed. “I don’t know. I hope not. Hopefully the hospital staff will be ready when she does … you know, seeing as though you basically told them to go fuck themselves and figure it out on their own.”

“I know I know. I feel guilty about not giving them a plan of action, but I am really up to my ears in stress right now, okay?”

“I understand.”

“Perhaps you could help me out with that later.”

I looked down to see her smile.

Geez. It was tiring being this much of a stud.

Sigh

Night fell way too quickly. Not only did it grow dark, causing us to become weary and paranoid, but a growing, soft fog was surrounding us. It seemed to come out of nowhere. Despite the author telling me regular weather patterns would resume, I wondered if the clouds were protesting about having to move themselves.

“Darling,” Rarity called.

Twi and I both turned around.

“Twilight, darling…”

I turned back around.

“... where are we going to sleep?”

“Well, we don’t have many options…” Twi answered.

“We don’t,” I joined, “Why the fuck did we wait until nightfall? That was probably the dumbest thing we've done so far, minus leaving the hospital exposed.”

“Just shut up, D’mitry. Let me think,” she replied, rubbing her forehead frustratingly. “I was thinking once we reach the train tunnel, we can sleep there.”

“On the track?” Spike asked, “In the tunnel? What the fuck kinda spot is that? Do you even know how far the train tunnel is from here?”

“We should have BEEN THERE BY NOW!” Twi snapped, “THAT’S WHY! I was hoping to reach it before night fell, but oh boy, looky there! Luna’s fucking moon. God FUCKING DAMN IT!”

“Whoa whoa whoa, sugarcube, relax…” AJ said, stepping up to Twi and rubbing her shoulder.

Damn, she wasn’t kidding about being stressed.

“Look…” Twi continued, “let’s go just a bit farther. The ground is kind of wet, so I’m trying to avoid sleeping on it. The tunnel would be the most comfortable spot to rest.”

We continued walking down the tracks. Through the fog, I noticed something on the ground in front of us. It was dark, small, and rectangular, practically camouflaging itself on the track. If it hadn’t glimmered at me, I might not have seen it. It definitely seemed out of place. I leaned down and picked it up, flipping it over to see that it was…

A cellphone?

What the fuck? How did a cellphone get here? Did Celestia and Luna bring one in?? It had been ten loooooooooooong months since I’d seen a cellphone, so I blankly stared at it for a moment as I tried to figure out what it was doing here. The screen noticed my face and brightened through the fog. A screensaver, which showed a backdrop of a few assault rifles, appeared behind text that read:

1:42PM
Dec 31, 1990

Well... that dates horribly wrong. Obviously it ain't 1:42pm.

...

Or the 90s.

...

Suddenly, it started ringing.

How the fuck was it ringing? The fuck? Last time I checked, there were no cell towers in Equestria. Nothing even close.

The screen saver was replaced by the answer call screen, and the contact read:

Answer me, Pony Lover