The C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ Apocalypse

I was running quickly, eventually reaching the town. When I did, I felt moody. Houses were already beginning to get boarded up. By who? I don't know. Ponies were packing up now. How did I know this? Well, obviously, I invaded a few homes when I got back to find the homeowners packing. I don't know why they were packing, but the look on their faces as I broke into their homes was worth it.

Maybe this apocalypse wasn’t all that bad.

I kept running and eventually got out of town.

‘But Twilight’s castle is right outside town?’ you ask.

No. Apparently, Twi’s castle is in the land of Far, Far away.

As I ran through the colorful town of Ponyville, there were no pegasi in sight. No more Rainbow Dash flipping me off. It was strange to think about, yet good at the same time. I fucking hate pegasi. Fucking degenerates. Hopefully they all pissed off to Cloudsdale by now. Unicorns are the ultimate species.

Just as I was running to the land of Far, Far away, Twi ran into me, literally.

“D’mitry! Clumsy fuck! Get out of my way!”

“What the hell, Twi? Where did you come from? How the fuck did we collide on a straight path to your castle?”

Story-driven blindness.

W-

Don’t say it.

What a crazy idea.

"Who the fuck was that?!" Twi asked, checking our surroundings.

"That's the author."

"Author? What is that supposed to mean?"

I am the Author. Or God. Same idea really.

Twi shook her head confusingly. "There is no God. It's scientifically unproven."

And God said unto Twi:

Shut the hell up, nerd.

"What the fuck?!" she exclaimed, looking up at the sky.

I'm not in the sky either.

"I don't understand!"

It's fine, Twilight. For now, just chalk me up to a delusion or something. You got bigger fish to fry here.

"Ah ... fine, fine ..." she replied, looking back at me.

“Well," I said, "are you okay? What’d Princess Celestia say?”

“D’mitry, you fucking moron. Do you know how far away Canterlot is? Even with Rainbow Dash’s speed, I would never be able to get there and back in time. You are one dumb motherfucker, I swear. Why did we even try with you humans?”

“Hey, it’s not my fault. The author made me partially brain dead I think.”

Not entirely. That was the past author. I’m just honoring him.

“Gee, thanks.”

No problem, moron.

“Anyway,” Twi continued, “I tried to catch a train to get there, but it wasn’t running. I can’t seem to fly right … whenever I try, I break out into uncontrollable barrel rolls screaming ‘Yeeeeehawwwwwww!’. Not sure what that’s about. Whatever. We need to get the others and make it to my castle. It’s getting boarded up right now, despite being built out of fucking rock. Have you seen Discord?”

“No, but can’t your magic keep us protected from these things?”

A dramatic moment of silence. The look in her eyes scared me.

“Well, I just told you I can’t fly. I also can’t use magic. Shits fucking stupid.”

“Have you … tried harder?”

“D’mitry, if I had my magic right now, I would blast you across town. I don’t know why our magic is going, but let’s go somewhere safe for now. Manehattan has been struck severely,” she mentioned, leading me toward her castle.

“How do you know about Manehattan?”

“I don't know. We’ll go with Derpy. Derpy Hooves, the ultimate mailmare, told me herself.”

“Ok, sounds good.”

We continued to the castle with Twi up ahead. We passed the mysteriously boarded up houses, until a zombie pony burst out of a door ahead of us.

“WHAOOAOOAAAAPOAOOSHHHAHAHHAHHAHJHAHHAHWAHWHAOOAOOOAOOAOOAOWOOWOWOOAOOAOOAOOAOOA!” we exclaimed.

The pony grabbed hold of Twi before she could fly away. Even though she literally just told me she can’t fly.

“Twi!” I exclaimed, slapping the zombie pony. “Stahhhhhp.”

The zombie stallion turned to me. “Dude, what’s wrong with you? Moron.”

The displeased stallion let Twi go, but now he was my problem. I continued slapping him, but ended up falling backward on the ground.

“Stahhhhhhhhhhhhhhp!”

He lunged on top of me, growing even angrier, and his teeth got closer and closer. I looked around for something to hit him with, and to my luck, there was a horse dildo laying beside me. I reached for it with my left arm, continuing to slap him with my right one. The horse dildo felt a bit spongy. Definitely not what I expected. Regardless, I swung the dildo at the stallion's face, causing him to stagger back.

As he staggered, Twi blasted the back of his head with a spell. The spark hit him, knocking him down instantly. I looked back at Twi.

“That was the last of my magic …” she said.

“Really, Twi?” I replied, standing up and waving around the 10” horse cock. “I had him! He even backed off.”

“Nice cock. But yeah, that was pretty stupid of me. I coulda just bucked him or some shit. Why would I waste my damn magic on that? What’s your problem, author?”

Wow, you've converted fucking fast! Don’t look at me though! That was the old me.

“Evading personal responsibility, I see. Classy.”

You little shit.

Lightning came down and struck Twi. She huffed.

“Hmm …” I said, “I don’t know. Maybe you’re in love with me, Twi. Maybe that’s why.”

Her cheeks blushed.

“I am not! Stupid fucking human. You’re way too dumb for my type. Let’s just keep going,” she said, running off again.

“Twi, wait. I need to tell you something …”

“What? Make it snappy.”

“Pinkie …” I sighed dramatically. “She … ah …” I sighed again.

“D’mitry, quit being a dramatic fuckwad. Did she turn or something?”

“She … Ah … she … ah … uff … she didn’t make it.”

“Jesus, way to spit it out. What do you mean by that? Was she bit?” she replied, growing worried.

“Yes.”

“GUHHAHAHAHHAUUBHHHH!!!” she exclaimed, stomping her hooves on the ground. “Fucking BITCH.” She turned to me. “Why??! Why didn’t you SAVE her?!”

“Excuse me? How the fuck would I save her? What logic are you using here? She was bitten before I knew it. I couldn’t stop that.”

“Fucking HELL. Where is she?”

“In the Everfree forest.”

“WHAT?! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? TAKING HER TO THE EVERFREE? DID YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THIS TO HAPPEN?!”

“Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I planned this all out. I bit Pinkie Pie. I bit her fucking neck and watched her dumbass turn. Stupid party addict.”

“UGH!” she screamed, turning away.

“Twi, look, I’m s-”

“No. Just stop.” She shuffled her front hooves. “Meet me at the castle.”

She looked very angry as she clumsily took off into the skies, breaking out into uncontrollable barrel rolls.

“Twi, wait!”

“Yeeeeehawwwwwww!”

It was useless. I’d just meet her at the castle of Far, Far away. I turned back to see a few more zombie ponies, including the stallion she blasted, trotting toward me. I simply could not BELIEVE how many ponies were affected already, though it made total sense. The only way to fend ourselves in this world was knives, horse dildos, and magic, and for some reason, the magic had clocked out on us. The zombie ponies behind me were difficult to outrun, but a clear path to the castle of Far, Far away laid ahead. I tried to remain straight as I made my way there, the horse dildo flopping in my hand.

I managed to lose the zombie ponies chasing me by zipping around some houses, even though I literally just mentioned that I bumped into Twi on the outskirts of town. Oh well. As I got close to the castle of Far, Far away, I could sense a bunch of ponies gathered around, because I got bit by a spider yesterday. This had gotten too horrible much too quickly. The zombies … not the spider.

As I approached the castle of Far, Fa-

Shut up. They get it.

There were a bunch of ponies with saddlebags looking around, and a few consoling each other. I could see fear painted on every face I saw. Twi must have been inside with the others, so I shoved the other ponies out of my way and entered the castle. Inside, Twi was talking with the others and ... a few royal guards? Okay. Miss Applejack, Dash, Fluttershy, Rarity, and Spike … all here. I frowned, thinking of party addict.

Dash was the first to notice me. When she saw me, she couldn’t help but flip me off again. The strange, blue finger was starting to bother me, so I flipped her off too. The others glanced at me, eying the horse dildo hanging out of my other hand.

“Nice cock, sugarcube.”

“Where’s the important princesses?” I asked.

Twi glared at me while Dash responded, “What do you think, D? They’re boarded up in Canterlot. They’ll be fine. They’ve got guards and stuff."

“Anyway,” Twi said, “We gotta find out what’s draining our magic, and we’ve got to find that damn book with the spell.”

“Wait," I said, "there’s a book of the ... spell? What?"

“I could remember it in the library," Twi ignored me, "but I still haven’t gotten the castle’s library figured out yet.”

Spike huffed. “It’s a fucking library, Twilight. The books are literally arranged by type and author. Fucking idiot.”

“Well, what’s first?” Rarity asked.

“Maybe we should look for the book?” I suggested.

“We have to find what’s causing all this magic to go,” Twi ignored me, “and I know just who to get in touch with.”

Fluttershy replied, "But Discord only knows when there is a magical imbalance ... he can't take it away."

"We have to find him either way. He'd be a big help to the group if he isn't involved," Twi assured.

Before anybody spoke further, Discord made a snap entrance behind me. "I'm here. What's the plan?"

Twi repeated the plan out for him, but he didn't look content with it. She talked it over with him about the magic imbalance, and he immediately got very defensive. He went on a couple minute long rant about the trust issues the group had with him, appearing visibly upset that we suspected him so quickly. Eventually, we quit arguing with him and apologized.

"Why don’t you imbeciles just defeat it with the magic of friendship?" he asked.

“That’s not how it works, moron,” Dash hissed, “Besides, Pinkie didn’t make it.”

"What? What happened to her?" he inquired.

"Ask … D'mitry,” Twi stated, dramatically looking to the side as she pointed a hoof at me. Discord glanced at me questionably.

“I bit her. She tasted like cupcakes.”

“Hot,” Dash said.

“You humans are fucking weird,” Discord commented.

Suddenly, Spike burped out a letter from Princess Celestia. He clawed it to Twilight, who read the heading.

"What the fuck?!" she exclaimed.

"What's the matter, sugarcube?"

"It's to fucking D'mitry..."

Discord, Spike, and a nearby royal guard burst into laughter at the thought that Princess Celestia had sent a letter to a slave like me, as opposed to the literal Princess of Friendship. She squinted her eyes angrily as she swept her gaze to me. Of course, me being me, I dropped my horse cock on the ground beside me before strutting through the circle. As I did, I swept my curly hair back and pointed my fingers out at the others, who stared back with blank faces. Twi sighed annoyingly as she hoofed it to me. It read:

Dear D'mitry,

Sup fucker?? So, you remember my magic right? You better. Anywho, me and Luna used a bit of our last magic to give you something. It should be arriving in a box after you read this sentence.

There was more to read, but my ADHD didn’t care. Surely enough, a box popped up, right over my head. The heavy box thunked the top of me noggin, dropping both of us to the floor. As cartoon swirls floated over my head, I sat back up by myself. Everypony ignored the chance to help me as they watched me open the box.

Peeking inside, I nearly knocked the box over again. I could not BELIEVE what Princess Celestia was thinking.