The C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ Apocalypse

We continued down the train tracks. This walk was getting super repetitive, but we could visibly see ourselves growing closer to Canterlot now. Today would be the day we started climbing that damned mountain and knocking on the Princess’s front doors. I’m sure they’d be happy at our super on-time arrival.

Seriously. I lost track of the damn days. Are any of you keeping up? Author, what about you?

Nada. Think it’s like day 5 or something?

Damn. All the days were morphing together with all the shit being thrown at us. It didn’t help that one of the days was literally cut short. It also didn’t help that we seemed to be losing ponies left and right. Pinkie, Fluttershy, Rarity, and AJ, just like that? This was pissing me off now. I tried to keep my mind off of it. I started wondering if maybe this was all a dream, and that the Author would wake me up soon.

No, D’mitry. It’s not a damn dream.

Fucking great! I hate this shit! What a fucking life. Maybe the tides would turn in our favor though. I don’t know. I would really like a chapter where nothing bad happens. I mean, I guess that would be boring, but damn I could use one of those right about now.

When thinking about the others we’d lost, I thought about Pinkie again. It was a shame that she was the first to die, given she would be the best stress-reliever at a time like this. I could really use some of her jokes right about now. I missed her. Maybe I could get a pink chainsaw in her honor.

There. See? I didn't drift into thinking about chainsaws when I started thinking about Pinkie P... Pink... Pinkie... Pi...

Would blood look weird on a pink chainsaw? I wonder if the red blood would accent the thing, or if it would make it look stupid. I guess you'd need to understand color theory to answer that question? I'm not sure, but a pink chainsaw would be pretty funny looking to begin with. It'd be really funny cutting up ponies with a pretty pink chainsaw while frolicking about in a field. Lol. Maybe I should get a different co-

Lightning bolt.

Ow!

Ugh. Still, I mean... we were getting closer to the possibility of me getting a chainsaw, which was cool. It helped that Princess Luna demonstrated her mag-

WAIT A MINUTE! FUCK!!!

I should have just asked her right there! What kinda moron am I? God damn it, what a wasted opportunity! Of course my brain would hyper focus on fucking wings. Damn it.

Ah... whatever. My angry thoughts were distracting me from hearing Twi speak.

“D’mitry? Hello?” she repeated, waving a hoof in front of my face.

“Huh?”

I realized I’d fallen behind the others again. My leg felt a bit better, but my mind did not. I glanced at the others walking ahead of us, all having little conversations of their own.

“So… I got a favor I’d like to ask of you…” Twi said.

“Favor? What? You want another hoof massage or something?”

“I mean... if you’re offering, yeah, but not now. I was wondering if you could… ah…”

She was avoiding eye contact as she walked beside me.

“What, Twi? Just spit it out. You wanna fuck again or something?”

She looked up at me with a straight face, also failing to hide some blush growing on her cheeks. “Nooooo... it’s about Spike.”

“Well, I am definitely not fucking Spike.”

Twi took a second to raise her front hoof mid-walk and smacked my leg.

“You moron. I’m not asking you to do any of that. I just…” she sighed, “I know you two don’t get along, but he’s not doing so hot right now. He’s very upset about Rarity, understandably so…”

I looked up. Spike was up ahead, laying on Dash’s back as she walked. How he was keeping his balance is a full-on mystery, but he stayed relatively still as he gazed up at the sky.

“Okay? That’s his problem.”

“D’mitry, please. I was wondering if you could talk with him."

"Me?? You want me to talk to him?"

"Yes... please. Help him out."

Her serious tone caused me to burst out into laughter. She smacked me again, but I couldn't feel it as I stumbled around laughing. My laughter got loud enough to the point that Dash and Snow glanced back curiously. Twi waved a hoof at them to ignore my dumbass. Eventually, my laughter settled.

"You gotta be joking, Twi."

"I'm not, D'mitry. You little twerp. I have my reasoning. I know you two talking might escalate, but maybe him getting a little bit riled up will get it out of his system. If all goes well, hopefully you two can actually get along somewhat. You're the only male figure he has to look up to right now."

"Only mal- oh... right."

"Yeah. He still doesn't care for guards. Honestly, I would think you two rebellious assholes would get along just fine, but here we are."

"He's too much of a rebellious asshole. Completely out of line," I scoffed, crossing my arms.

"Oh my god," she whined, shaking her head. "Could you just do this for me?"

"So... let me get this straight, Twi... you want us to beat the fuck out of each other?"

“No! Fucks sake! Come on... you two can get along, I know you can. We don’t have time for your hostility towards one another. Not now. I can’t guarantee we won’t be met with more zombie ponies, or even more of those stupid boys once we get to Canterlot. The last thing I need is you two beating each other up when somepony else needs help.”

I took a second to ponder her reasoning. She was making sense, which sucked. I’d much rather just continue hating the little shit, but ah… I don’t know. I continued thinking about it for another minute.

“Well?” she asked.

“I don’t want to.”

“Please?”

“Mmmmm, no.”

“Don’t make me whip you.”

I couldn’t hold back a snort of laughter. “Ok, Applejack. You and I both know you won’t follow through with that.”

“Don’t be so sure!” she exclaimed.

She slowly pulled the whip out from her saddlebag and awkwardly hobbled along with it in hoof. It looked totally out of place. Only a few seconds later, she shook her head and defeatedly put it back.

“Damn it, D’mitry. Can’t you just talk with him? I’m not asking much here.”

“It won’t go over well.”

“What do you want? Tell me. We can make another deal.”

“I wanna not talk to Spike."

“No... just... ugh," she groaned, "How about I put in some brownie points for you toward Princess Celestia?"

I chuckled. "And how would you pull that off?"

"I can make up a story. You saved me on day one, remember? That zombie pony darted out and jumped on me, but you whacked him away so I could blast him with my last magic. She'd appreciate that, don't you think?"

"But the pony knocked me over, and you saved..."

...

Twi's eyebrows fell as she looked up at me in annoyance.

"... ah... gotcha. You sure she'll believe that obvious lie of a story though?"

"How is it obvious, moron?"

"You know what, Twi? I don't like your attitude. No deal," I scoffed dramatically, crossing my arms again.

"You are so FUCKING annoying!" she hissed under her breath.

"Whatever, Twi. I'm not doing it. You'd have to suck my dick if you wanted me to talk to him," I retorted, my head held egotistically high.

"Okay," she replied.

I dropped my high and mighty act and glanced down to meet eyes with her again. "Huh?"

"I'll suck your dick if you talk to him."

"Uh..."

I averted my eyes. This threw me off a bit, and my hands felt a bit awkward, so I dropped them to my sides and fell into a daze. After a few seconds, I looked back at Twi, who was smiling up at me flirtatiously. I shook my head disapprovingly.

"That's not very princess-like of you."

"Oh shut the hell up. Deals on. Go talk to him," she replied, pushing my ass forward with her foreleg.

I wanted to retaliate, but would I really turn this deal down?

Of course not. Lmao. She knew as well as I did that I'd be hard-pressed to turn that offer down. She just said I had to talk to the little shit anyway, so maybe he wouldn't annoy me too bad. I made my way toward the front of the group where Spike laid on top of Dash’s back. I skipped Spike for the moment and walked beside Dash.

“Hey, D. What’s up?”

I leaned forward and whispered in her ear, “I’m gonna talk with Spike for a minute.”

Her eyes widened a bit before she whispered back, “You sure?”

“Yes. We’ll be okay.”

“If you say so… you want me to get him off?”

“No. Just keep walking.”

“K.”

I backtracked a bit to stand side by side with Spike, who continued gazing up at the sky.

“Hey bro, what’s up? Literally,” I said, nudging him playfully.

“Don’t touch me fucker."

"Shut up scaly bitch."

"What the fuck do you want?" he scoffed, averting his eyes from the sky to glare at me.

“Chill. I just wanted to tell you something.”

“Tell me what?”

I leaned down and whispered in his ear, “I picked up a gem earlier. I was gonna keep it, but Twi is pestering me about us being at each other’s throats. Here’s the deal: if you hang back with me and promise to make peace for now, I’ll slip you the gem. Sound good?”

He eyed me for a solid few seconds before I noticed the hostility in his face settle. He sat up and leaned forward to whisper back.

“Deal.”

Before Dash could react, Spike hopped off and walked beside me for a second.

“Thanks Dash,” he said, “I’m good to walk for now.”

I glanced back at Twi, who inspected us carefully from the back of the group. Spike and I then randomly started talking about where we would set up a kingdom if we were ever deemed kings as we nonchalantly fell back to the back of the group. I shooed Twi out of our conversation as we fell behind her as well. Soon, we were trailing behind, far enough from prying ears.

“Well? Show me,” he said.

I took a second to pull out the rock I had picked up earlier. It only took him a second of looking at it before he got angry.

“That’s a fucking rock, you dumbass.”

“Nah, it’s a gem.”

“No the fuck it isn’t.”

Oh well. Figured that was a long-shot.

“Same thing.”

As he went to reply, I pulled my arm back. I threw the rock at a perfect trajectory, and clocked the little bastard in the side of his head. He damn near fell over as rage consumed his little dragon ass. Before I knew it, he rushed up to me and swiped his claws at my thigh. It was clear he was going for a ballsack shot, but I thankfully staggered out of the way. It took us just seconds before we started beating the living shit out of each other.

“WHOA WHOA WHOA!” I heard Twi yell.

Spike and I ignored her as we tussled. The little bastard was half of my size, sure, but this fucker had some SHARP ass claws. Of course his little ass wasn’t going to throw fair punches when I towered over him. After a failed juke, his claws tore through my arm. It was then that I saw an opportunity to lift him up. I wrapped both of my arms underneath his armpits before hooking onto his back and using all my weight to pull him up. Then, when he was up to my face, I intentionally fell backward and slammed his ass to the ground WWE style.

Before I could celebrate annihilating his little ass, we were both pounced on by the royal guards. My adrenaline had me tussling with Blaze for a moment before I gave up, raising my hands above my head as I laid on the ground. He restrained me while Twi rushed up to my side.

“Are you fucking serious, D’mitry?!”

“I don’t know what you expected, Twi. That’s kinda what I envisioned happening in my head.”

“You shithead,” she scoffed, before turning to Blaze. “Let him up, please.”

Blaze backed away from me, allowing me to slowly sit up.

“Spike,” Twi called, “Come sit next to D’mitry. Right now.”

“But Twili-”

“NOW!”

I turned to see Drift back away from Spike. Spike moseyed his way and angrily sat next to me. Twi made her way to stand in front of us, angrily glaring between us.

“I hope you both got it out of your systems, because if you two fight again, I will whip both of you. Not only that, but I will notify Princess Celestia, and she will probably spank both of you as well. Do not make me do that. Just try to get along. Act if you have to. But do not make me punish you. Understood?”

“Understood, Twi.”

Spike huffed. "Twilight. He threw a fucking rock at my face!"

Twi was about to shout at him for not listening, but this info got to her. She turned her attention to me, an even more furious glare in her eyes. "You threw a rock at him?!"

"No..."

"YES HE DID!" Spike retaliated.

"No I didn't. I threw a gem at him."

"YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"

Spike leapt up and swung one of his claws at me. I had the reaction time to dodge by intentionally falling back to lay on the ground. When he wound up his arm again for a second shot, I'd started rolling away. It didn't matter, because after I rolled, I noticed he'd been snatched by both of the guards.

As he squirmed around and I sat back up, Twi kept her eyes closed, processing her frustration. She eventually opened them and looked around for the rock I threw. When she found it, she pointed to it and looked at Blaze.

"Hoof me that rock."

Blaze disconnected from Spike, leaving Drift to hold his angry little dragon ass back. He then followed her orders and gently hoofed her the rock.

"Twi, what the hell are you-"

Whack!

"Ow!"

Twi unexpectedly swung around and clocked me in the cheek with the rock. The rock bounced off and thudded on the grass beside me. I shook my head and held my battle-scared cheek, which irritatingly stung now.

"Do not throw shit at him again. And you," she hissed, turning back to Spike. "I saw those little claw shots of yours, fyi. No more claw shots. You know how much damage those can do to him."

"Bu-"

"No. That's an order. Understood?"

He huffed defeatedly. "understood."

“Good. Now let’s get a move on already. I’m not stalling for Canterlot any damn longer.”

After Snowheart assessed our wounds and wrapped my cuts up, we’d continued to Canterlot. We were finally starting to climb the treacherous mountain now. I was still towards the back of the group, keeping my distance from Spike. Even though we hated each other, I honestly felt a lot better now. I don’t know if he felt the same, but beating the crap out of him made me feel pretty good. I kinda wanted to beat his ass again. But I refrained.

As we started climbing the mountain, Twi left Spike’s side and fell back to walk beside me. I spoke out before she did.

“So… Twi…”

She glanced up at me. “What?”

“I mean… I did talk to Spike, still. You know, eve-”

“No. You blew it. I’m not sucking your dick now, moron. I told you to make peace.”

“No you didn’t. You’re making stuff up now, Twi. That might be what you wanted, but all that you asked is that I talk to him. I remember, seeing as the stakes were so high.”

She rolled her eyes. “Not like it matters right now. We can argue about it later. Anyway, I was planning on us starting to run now. Are you well enough to run?”

“What? Why the fuck would we start running now?” I scoffed, glancing up at the increasingly steep path ahead of us. “You want to sprint up the side of the damn mountain?”

“Yes. I want to get there with plenty of sun to spare. We’ll be fine. It’ll be more of a jog.”

I huffed. “Fine.”

So we began running. This was honestly the dumbest, most pointless thing I think we’d done. My legs were hurting at each step, and we had to slow to a walk every fifteen seconds due to the severity of the climb. However, we continued up this way, eventually making it to the hills in front of Canterlot’s gates. As we crested the ridge, the front towers stood tall ahead of us. The gate, even from this distance, stood like a gateway to heaven.

“Keep an eye out,” Twi stated, “Remember... D’mitry said that Luna mentioned a human in Canterlot recently.”

Buzzkill.

“Come on, Twi," I replied, "you don’t think Celestia, Luna, and all the royal guards could handle a few humans?”

She eyed me carefully. “I don’t know. It seems that your kind is a lot more dangerous than we once thought.”

“I mean… yeah. I thought y’all knew that before this all started.”

She sighed. “No. We didn’t.”

“Well, it’s good that y’all have me then.”

Her and I exchanged a wary smile before walking closer to the gate. Her smile at least. Mine was more maniacal. She stopped us before we got to the river/wannabe moat out front.

“Hold on... something's off.”

“Bruh. It’s been like 5 days or something. Can we not just reap the damn rew-“

"Stay right where you are!" a masculine voice boomed over what sounded like a speaker.

Uh, ok? We’re already fucking still, but whatever. Actually, that didn't sound like the Author, but... Author, that wasn't you, was it?

No. I don't use quotes. Just a literary tool. Now shut up and continue.

Okay, sheesh. We stood still for a few more seconds, all of us carefully observing the front wall of Canterlot. As I was scanning, I noticed a slight movement in one of the windows high up beside the gate. When I turned my gaze to see, I was shoved forcefully to the side by either Twi or Dash.

BANG!

A gunshot cracked by my ear as I fell sideways. Within seconds, we all darted back behind the ridge behind us. It wasn’t a big ridge, but it was enough to block us from sight of the wall. On my right side, Dash cursed and glanced over at me fearfully. "D'mitry! Were you hit?!"

I felt around my head, despite not feeling pain anywhere.

“Uh, no. Unless I’m dead.”

“Okay good. Nice one, Twilight.”

Still laying against the ridge, I turned my head to look at Twi on my other side. Though appearing terrified, she smiled warily at me again. She had shoved me out of the way.

“Thank you, Twi.”

Blaze spoke up, “Princess. Why are they shooting at us?!"

“Humans?” Twi suggested.

“Humans,” Dash repeated, “gotta be the humans.”

“Fucking humans,” I commented.

Twi sighed. “Tell me about it. Seriously, though, I think I saw a human head in that window.”

"Fuckers," I hissed.

“Come back out! Our bad! We had a misfire.”

Psssssht. Fucking assholes.

“FUCK YOU!” I shouted.

“D’mitry!” Twi exclaimed, “Shut the fuck up!”

“Why? They already know who we are.”

“Well... they don’t know what we’re doing.”

“Uh yeah, neither do we."

“Seriously. Come back out. We need to have a chat, Pony Lover.”

“Fucking hell,” I said, plopping my face down against the grass frustratingly. I felt Twi rub my back as we sat in silence for a minute. Then a new voice boomed over the speaker.

“Heeeey Pony Lover! Is it really you out there? Long time no see. Why don’t you come on out so we can talk?”

Okay? That gave me no fucking information. The voice sounded familiar, but not really. Crackly ass speaker. We all bickered with each other for another minute as we tried to come up with a strategy to get out of this situation. There was no turning back either, cause we’d be leaving the cover of the ridge. The voice boomed again, this time carrying a deeper, more serious tone.

“Pony Lover. Come out. Now.”

I threw my finger above the ridge. I don’t think I need to explain which one.

Okay, I will. It was the index. I first pointed at where they should be before flipping them off with the middle. After awkwardly holding it up for a minute and slightly waving it so they wouldn’t blow it off, we heard the gate start to creak open. When I went to raise my head to see, Twi smacked me and yanked me back by the collar. A new voice boomed over the speaker.

“Come on now. Pete’s comin’ to have a chat with you lot.”

Pete? No fucking way.

This time, both Twi and I stubbornly raised our heads slightly above the ridge. We watched the drawbridge settle once it was down, and a human came strutting out. It only took me a second to realize it really was Pete.

The Pete who had made me Captain Asshole.