The C̸̞̙̭̽̌̀̈́̽̕̕ȗ̵̧̨̢̻̩̞̘͙̉̋̊͂͘ŕ̷͖̦̍͝s̵̫̪̋̍͂̆̆͆̄é̶̡̧̺͖d̸͎͒̒̿̈̀ Apocalypse

Wow. I am teetering at the edge of my seat at this cliffhanger. Who could it be?! Who could they have found in the middle of the damn Everfree? Let’s read on!

There was no reason to run through now. In front of us was a zombie Pinkie Pie and Zecora. Zecora hadn’t made it, and I wasn’t surprised. Really, I didn’t care. Maybe we could loot some stuff from her hut now. She was known for “herbs”, so I hoped we could get high off of something.

“Should we just keep going?” Dash asked.

“Well, duh. Don’t you wanna get high? Or do you wanna go back to Twi?”

“Hell nah. Let’s get high!”

With no more time to speak without getting eaten, we both gunned it for Pinkie and Zecora. I readied my horse cock, in case things got ugly. The gun was too loud, even though we were in the middle of the Everfree. When we got closer, I started nudging Dash to the side, away from them.

“D! Knock it off!”

I knew it didn’t matter if I got bitten again. I had to make sure Dash didn’t. I nudged harder.

“D'MITRY!”

We seemingly held our breaths as we bolted past them.

Or…

Almost did. Shockingly, nudging Dash caused her to trip. Somehow, my dumbass fell to the ground as well. I was stalled trying to get her up as Pinkie and Zecora lunged at us. Our adrenaline was high though, so we both shot back up.

I smacked Zecora in the face with my horse cock before she got the chance to bite me. I also whacked Pinkie’s cheek with the cock before she got hers. We sprinted away from them quickly, the firm horse cock subtly bouncing in my hand. I could hear their hooves beating the ground behind us, so we didn’t stop running until we were at the hut.

The door had already been burst in, so we flew inside. Bloodstains painted the hut, and broken glass was shattered around the floor. Dash and I slammed the door shut and hauled Zecora’s heavy brewing pot in front of it. Dash huffed as she turned to me.

“You fucking moron. You almost got my ass killed again! You got a problem with me or something? Is it your 'racism'?” she said, waving 'hoof quotes' to mock my racism.

“No…”

“Ok, you’re just a moron then.”

“Well, the author did make me pretty brain-dead I think.”

“Okay, whatever. Hopefully I can get brain-dead here in a minute as well. Help me find her stash.”

For the next few minutes, we gathered up some of the marijuana Zecora had around the house. It didn't take long to get a sizable amount. Both of us were honestly pretty taken aback by just how much this zebra had on her. Damn. She probably had enough lying around to be arrested in Colorado at this point. Dash picked out the best-looking strains and got to grinding them up. After sprinkling on the left-over kief, she hooved me a couple grams so I could roll it. As I was rolling, her annoyed expression changed, and she smiled as she watched me.

“I gotta admit, D, you and your hands are an absolute god-send.”

I paused rolling and glanced back at her.

"Huh? What about your weird blue finger?"

"Weird blue finger? What do you mean?" she asked.

"Your ... your finger? The finger from earlier?"

Geez, D'mitry. You haven't even smoked anything yet. Fuck are you talking about?

"The ... the finger!"

Suddenly, I heard the author whisper to me.

Pretend you never saw the finger. I've removed it from everyone else's memory. The scenes are already built, so you gotta pretend like it never happened. It was a two-time comedic event.

"Ah, nevermind. I must have been dreaming, or hallucinating, or something. I dunno."

"Geez, D. You sure you still wanna smoke?"

"Yes, yes even more now."

"Alright."

She continued watching me roll, smiling again as I finished it up and set it down.

“Seriously though, D. Your fingers are awesome. You know how frustrating it was to roll this shit with tweezers? Sweet Celestia. I’m glad you’re here.”

I smiled. “Thanks, Dash.”

I felt very appreciated as I finished rolling up the second, fatass joint. She brought over one of Zecora’s lighters and took her joint from me, sparking up. After a strong first hit, she immediately coughed up a lung.

“WOOOOOO Damn! That is some loud stuff,” she commented, coughing as she hoofed me the lighter.

“Hell yeah!” I replied, sparking my own.

Both of us finished smoking our joints, just to roll two more. After we were done, the room was swirling and buzzing. My brain danced as my body warmed to a comfortable high. We started laughing together. At what? I don’t know. Who actually remembers any part of their high, you know? I think we were joking about my horse cock at one point.

Probably.

We enjoyed the high for the next unrecordable amount of time.

I woke up in the hut, laid out on Zecora’s bed. The ceiling above me looked foggy, but I figured I might still be a bit high. I blinked my eyes open, turning to see Dash’s back curled up against my side. My clothes felt a bit sweaty, and my belt was lazily and improperly buckled.

Oh, wow. That took a turn.

Taste the rainbow. Haha.

That I did, apparently.

There was a subtle banging at the door now. I sat up, fixing my pants and shaking off my residual high. I leaned back and shook Dash awake.

“Mfhhhhfhfhgfg …” she protested, turning over to face me. “What?”

“Come on, Dash. Funs over. We gotta live in the apocalypse again.”

“UGHHHH. Can’t we stay a little longer? Twilight said she wants to waste time in Ponyville anyway.”

“No. We best get a move on. There’s no telling if that pot will hold.”

“D, that pot is heavy as fuck. You really think it won’t hold?”

Suddenly, the pot shifted, scraping along the floor. The banging continued.

“I swear …” Dash said as she sat up, “This fucking author.”

Well this ain’t a damn clopfic. Get a move on, freaks.

“Gah- Fine!”

“Wait…” I said, “Didn’t we come here to look through books or something?”

“Twilight only mentioned seeing if Zecora was here. I honestly don’t care about the few fucking books in here. They’re mostly for brewing random stews and making drugs.”

“Ah, I guess you’re right. Let’s get outta here.”

I passed behind Dash, positioning myself in front of the window next to Zecora’s bed. Using the strength I could muster, I managed to bend the thick branch enough to where Dash could fit. I shimmied out of her way and gestured her through. She began easing her way through it, but somehow, I hadn’t made the space wide enough. Her wings got caught on the sides.

“D! You moron! It’s not wide enough!”

“Shh!” I exclaimed, listening for Pinkie and Zecora. They continued banging the front door. Phew.

“D, I’m stuck! Help me!” she cried, wiggling her flank in an attempt to get through.

I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“D!!!”

“SHHHHHHHHHHUSH!”

I glanced back at the door.

Oh no.

It stopped trembling, and both Pinkie and Zecora had likely heard her cries.

“DASH, WIGGLE INSIDE!” I yelled, racing back to the door. I used all the strength I could muster to shove the heavy ass pot out of my way. Once I had enough space, I threw the door open against the pot and squeezed my way out. I hesitantly pulled out my gun, as my horse cock was still inside somewhere.

When I rounded the corner, Zecora turned around for me. Pinkie glanced back, but kept rounding the corner to Dash. I knew there wasn’t any time left, so I aimed the gun over Zecora and shot Pinkie in the back of the head. The shot rang in my ears, and I could almost smell the gunpowder in my nostrils. She had almost made it to Dash, but dropped face-first in the dirt. As hard as it was to shoot Pinkie, I really enjoyed firing the gun. I wanted to do it again.

Zombie Zecora took a moment to glance back at Pinkie, then at me again. Her tinted white eyes widened as I lowered the pistol to her forehead. I hesitated as her expression softened.

“Do it if you must, do it if you need, for you and Rainbow Dash have smoked all my weed.”

“Bruh, we only smoked like 4gs. You have pounds in there.”

“Numbers don’t matter, and I don’t care. Just pull that trigger, if you dare.”

“Yo, author ... what's up with these zombie ponies talking?? This shit makes no sense.”

Nothing makes sense, D’mitry.

“Well … I just … okay …”

Okay. I’ll stop with the talking zombie ponies.

“Alright, thanks.”

“As you were, and as you are, take that gun, and rip me apart.”

“You damn liar!”

Haha I just wanted one more. She’s done now.

“Is she?”

Zecora growled at me. She pounced, forcing me to pull the trigger. Blood splattered from behind her head as she dropped to the ground too.

Dash continued to wiggle out of the window until she was eventually free. I observed Zecora and Pinkie’s lifeless bodies. Blood was spilled under my feet. They looked awful now. Even worse. Hideous. I glimpsed at Pinkie, and all my hope shattered on the bloody grass.

“This is all my fault,” I pouted.

“How is it your fault? You’re so fucking dramatic sometimes, I swear,” Dash replied.

I frowned and looked up at the dark clouds above us. I started thinking about past memories of Pinkie Pie, but I got distracted and started thinking about chainsaws. Kinda wish I had a chainsaw right now. I looked at Zecora’s hut, wondering how long it would take a chainsaw to cut through the tree. Would Celestia allow me to have gas for a chainsaw, or would I have to stick with electric? That being said, I would need something to power it. Would the steam engines in Ponyville be enough? I was a bit rusty on how power actually worked in this universe, so I started debating how viable a chainsaw would actually be.

“Yo, Equestria to D, ya there?” Dash asked, waving a hoof in front of me and ripping me from my trance. I looked down at her.

“What? What do you want?”

“What do you think we should do with em?”

“I don’t know. I mean, they’re dead. Just leave em. Who cares?”

“Well shit, least we could do is pull em inside.”

“Ah- Fine.”

After dragging their bodies in the hut and shutting the door, we made our way toward Ponyville, ready to get out of this stupid ass forest. I checked my Beretta and magazine to make sure it was loaded.

“So,” Dash broke the silence, “What do you even call that thing?”

“This, erm, spechifically, ish an m9 Beretta. But in general, it’s a gun. It’s a type of pistol.”

“So ... an m9 Beretta pistol gun?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we’ll go with that. I’m gonna call it 'my baby'.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t know. I have some screws loose.”

“Obviously.”

Obviously.

“So…" Dash continued, "... can I hold it? I promise I won’t shoot my brains out this time.”

“Eh, yeah, whatever. Here,” I replied, handing her the gun.

As she fumbled with the gun, it…

**!$(@(*$&(*@!&$(*!&@$*@!*&$^!@*&$)(*@!&$@!$(*&@!$(*@!&$(*&@!$(*&(*@!)($(*@!&$(*&@!$(*&(*@!)(#@@!$(@(*@!)(#@@!*&$^!@*&$)(*@!&$@!$(*&@!$(*@!&$(*&@!$(*&(*@!)(#@@!$(@(*@!)(#@@!$(@(*$&(*@!&$(*!&@$*@!&$@!$(*&@!@$*@!&$@R!$(*&@!$(*@!&$(*&@!$(*&(*@!)(#@@!$(@(*$&(*@!&$(*!&@$*@!*&$^!@*&$)(@!$(*@!&$(*&@!$(*&(*@!)(#@@!$(@!&$@!$(*&@!$(*@!&$(*&@!$(*&(*@!)(#@@()@@**@@@(((@**

“So … can I hold …” she started, “... damn it, author! I wasn’t gonna set it off!”

Yes you were. It likely would have shot into the ground, but I’m not doing this shit again.

“Sure, here-” I started, getting ready to hand her the gun again.

Lightning bolt.

I stopped.

“Wow author,” I said, “You’re getting really lazy with the lightning descrip-”

Lightning bolt.

Lightning bolt.

Lightning bolt.

Lightning bolt.

“OW!!! Stop!!”

Bitch.

“Anyway,” I continued, “we need to get outta here. Some zombie ponies might have heard those lightning strikes.”

“What?” Dash asked.

“Idk. Let’s go.”

It was already getting dark by the time we reached Ponyville again. It wasn’t as pretty a sight as it was before we left. Why? I don’t know. The vibes just felt off, ya know? I just felt, like, bad energy and stuff.

Jesus, you need to stop getting high.

Two zombie ponies wandered on the path in front of us.

“What do we do?” Dash asked.

“Uhh…” I replied, staring down at my gun.

No, that would be stupid. As much as I wanted to fire my baby again and start blasting zombie ponies, it would attract too much attention. I liked being an attention seeker, but probably not now. I scanned the edge of town until I found a pinkish pony with light green hair lying up against a banged up house. It was probably Daisy. I pointed at her.

“Let’s see if she’s okay, then we can make our way through the town.”

“That doesn’t solve the problem at all, but okay,” Dash replied.

We snuck over to Daisy, keeping our eyes on the zombies as Dash followed me. Before I got too close, I noticed something that made me stop incredibly quickly. My heart skipped a few beats.

Daisy was shot in the face, blood splattered out on the other side of her. There was no way she could have survived that.

You don’t say?

My thoughts swirled into a thundercloud of confusion, which gave me PTSD from getting struck by lightning over and over again. I had the only gun in Equestria, didn’t I? Did Celestia give Twilight one? No fucking fair. I wanted the only gun. I wanted all the guns.

“What’s the matter?” Dash asked, leaning over to look at Daisy. I stopped her and got in her way.

“Dash, you remember when I had to shoot Pinkie?”

“No, that was minutes ago. I already forgot. Yes, dumbass. Why?”

“Daisy got shot in the head too, but she wasn’t a zombie.”

“How the fuck do you know?” she asked, peeking around the side of me. I shuffled in her way.

“D, you moron. I shot myself in the goddamn face. Let me see.”

“K.”

She peered on at Daisy before wrinkling her nose in disgust.

“Did I look like that when I shot myself?”

“Pretty much.”

“Gross,” she replied, glancing at my gun. “I thought you had the only gun? You didn’t shoot her earlier, did you?”

“I didn’t. I think the important princesses must have sent Twi or somepony else a gun.”

“I guess…”

“So we need to get to the castle pronto. I don’t like the thought of them having guns. I want all the guns.”

“You’re definitely American.”

“Hell yeah!!!”

We then gunned it past the two zombie ponies on the path. I used my horse cock to smack one away, and the other stallion was so surprised by my weapon of choice that he backed off himself. We continued.

The town looked worse as we continued. There was even a house on fire. How the hell did that happen? Did some idiot leave their wood stove on?

We eventually passed another house mysteriously on fire, and before we got sight of the castle, we saw a big plume of smoke coloring the sky. I recognized in horror where the looming cloud of smoke was coming from.