Never

by knightcommander

Rating: everyone
Tags: Sad, Drama, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Rarity, Romance
Length: 1672

Spike reminisces over losing his love.

Is it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

I beg to differ.

Whoever said that crap has never had to deal with the pain of broken heart, much less the pain of knowing that it's because the one you love will never, ever love you back. You feel like you're drowning, but you just won't die. You don't want to get up in the morning. You think about the one you love, and it fills you with such joy, but then you come crashing back down, and it feels like your heart is lying in a thousand broken pieces; and no matter what, it will never be whole again.

My name is Spike, and this nightmare is my reality.

Because I will never have her by my side.

Published 2017-02-10 06:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-10 06:20:01 UTC

Never

It all started on a February morning.

Spring was coming soon, and the weather ponies were beginning their preparations. As the air began to warm up, they started pumping out fewer clouds at the weather factory, and snow began to give way to rain. This had the unfortunate side effect of turning the snow that was still on the ground to slush, but I didn't mind. February was also the month I had been waiting for because with it came one day in particular that I had been longing to come.

Hearts and Hooves day.

I feel my heart begin to ache as I think back to that day. It was the day everything changed, and for the worse. It was the day that I found out what the real meaning of the phrase "broken heart" was.

I lift myself off the bench I'm sitting on, thinking. I had thought a walk would clear my head of the thoughts that had been invading it, as it was exactly one year to the day that I had happened; the day my new reality had started. But it doesn't work; the memories, every single torturous memory, keeps coming. No matter how much I try, I can't keep them from coming. It makes me heave and desperately try to fight off the urge to cry out in agony, as is the custom among dragons. I somehow manage to do so, but only just.

It had all started innocently enough. Just weeks prior, it had finally happened. A little-known fact about us dragons, that even Twilight, egghead she was was unaware of; when we "come of age" so to speak, we go through a sudden spurt of growth and change as our bodies transition from childhood to adulthood. Almost overnight, I had gone from a naive child to a mature drake, and it was an exhilarating feeling. I was grown now, I was a man, and at long last, I could finally make one of my dreams come true.

Rarity. I could make her mine.

I had never been happier. I thought that things would be different. My feelings could come fully to fruition. Rarity and I could be happy together like I had always dreamed we would. Holding her, kissing her, loving her. Holding her hoof as we pronounced our vows to each other, promising our lifelong devotion to each other. It could all be had now.

Well, things would be different from then on, but not in the way I had hoped.

I feel my eyes start to sting. Tears are welling up. It's funny because just a year earlier I would have scolded myself and told myself that dragons don't cry. But since that day, I haven't been able to do anything else.

All I did was go to a newsstand and pick up a copy of the Ponyville Recorder and start thumbing through it. It's a habit really, and even these days I still do it. But that day, it changed my life forever. It started a path of pain and sorrow.

I turned to the back page, and found it there, staring at me and mocking me. They were words that ran through me like a dagger through the chest, rending my heart in two.

Rarity's wedding banns.

She had met some rich stallion in Manehattan during her last business trip, and, apparently, they had been seeing each other for several months. They had fallen in love of course, and now they were getting married. I guess they didn't want me to get hurt, so they kept it a secret and I only found out about it by reading the morning paper.

Her heart now belonged to another. She would be standing at an altar pronouncing her vows, but not with me.

It was never going to be me. Never.

I can't stop it now. The tears are flowing freely now. Lucky for me it's nighttime, or else there would be ponies on the street either staring at me or asking if I'm OK. I've been trying to put up on a brave face for her, and all my other friends.

Friends. It was all I was ever going to be with her. Just a friend, and nothing more. My love for her just a feeling, a desire that would never be satisfied.

Never.

By the time I reach the castle, I had somehow managed to fight off this wave of tears. I knew Twilight would be awake, and she would doubtless want to know how I was.

She sees me as I walk in, and she asks me how I'm doing. I smile, and I lie, telling her I'm alright; the fresh air really did do me some good.

But it never does.

I make my way past her into the center room, where the Cutie Map is. Seven thrones sit around it, and in one of them is carved a familiar symbol. Three precious diamonds.

The sight of them causes fresh waves of pain to surge through me like they had leaped off the throne and plunged themselves into my heart. I feel my eyes sting again as I make my way through the room and into the library. I stare up at one section, in particular, that holds all the fantasy novels that Twilight held.

The pain worsens. I remember when I first learned of Rarity's upcoming wedding, I tried to find solace in good books. If it worked for Twilight, it would work for me.

But reading story after story of brave warriors saving beautiful princesses from fire-breathing monsters only intensified the pain. Ponies seemed to see dragons only as monsters, storybook villains that the hero came to defeat and win the hand of his true love.

And villains never get a happy ending.

Never.

I walk through the library, finding myself at another staircase. Some time ago, Twilight had a section of the castle turned into an apartment for me. I walk up the stairs, tired and defeated, and come into what's become my home. It's not much, but when I first got it, it was cozy. It had a sitting room, a kitchen and a bedroom, all modestly furnished with everything I needed to live a comfortable life.

I rarely find comfort here.

Not even bothering to eat supper, I just walk into my bedroom and lay on my bed, too tired to do anything. My mind is now firmly fixed on what had happened.

Sitting through her wedding, watching her kiss this stallion and make her promise of lifelong devotion to him, was torture. I took every ounce of my energy to keep myself from bursting into tears right then and there, and I think Twilight knew. The whole time, she rubbed her hoof across my back, offering me her best comforting smile. Trying to tell me that everything was going to be alright.

It wasn't alright, and now I'm not sure it will ever be alright.

The wounds have been reopened, and there's no closing them. All the tears I had tried to fight off were coming out now, and I could feel my body being wracked with sobs as I lost myself in my thoughts.

I have lost her forever. She would never be mine. The one perfect diamond I had treasured and had longed to have was gone, taken up by another. A rich Manehattanite who drove a fancy carriage could afford the finest things in life and could shower her in gold and jewels. Someone I, a glorified secretary, had no hope of ever competing with.

And nothing was going to change it.

Never.

It's a good thing Twilight couldn't hear me cry out in agony, even as the clock struck nine and I knew she and Caramel would be taking their own children up to bed. A happy family they were.

Another thing I would never have.

I was a dragon, a cold-blooded reptile. No self-respecting mare would ever want that as a husband. No, I would be a friend to them, but they would never see me as someone to love like Twilight loved Caramel, or how Rarity loved her new husband.

I would never know the feeling of holding my beloved in my arms, of kissing her soft lips, of whispering sweet nothings into her ear. I would never stand in front of that altar, taking vows with her. I would never know what it would be like to wake up next to her in the morning, after having shared a night of passion and love. I would never know the joy of being a father, of having a family, of seeing my flesh and blood grow up and have families of their own.

When I have no more tears left to cry, I cover myself in the warm eiderdown blanket. It changes nothing, just like growing up changed nothing. My bed, and my entire house, still feels cold and empty, without her by my side. And that's the way it was going to be for the rest of my life. There was no hope of change. Loneliness, heartbreak and cold were going to be my lot in life.

Finally too exhausted to do anything, I feel sleep begin to take over, and my eyes droop closed, the last thing I see before blackness is Luna's moon. Rarity and her husband might be looking up at it, enjoying each other's company. I feel like it's mocking me as blackness fills my vision.

And in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind, I hope I never wake up again.

Never.

Author's Note

And I has a sad now :raritycry:

Some stuff in this fic is going to raise some questions. I didn't want to go into too much detail because I wanted to focus to remain on Spike and his inner monolog. If you do have questions, feel free to ask me over PM.

I hope you guys enjoy this story. Take care! :twilightsmile: