Figuring Out What the Hell is Going On
Author's Note
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Figuring Out What the Hell is Going On
“And that is why I am calling for a COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHUTDOWN on Ponies entering the United States until our people can figure out what the hell is going on.”
Twilight looked away from the television, her mouth hanging agape at what she had just heard. “Did President Trump just ban us from the United States!?”
Celestia looked back at Twilight, a little peeved. “Shhh, Twilight! He’s saying some more things!”
“These unicorns are taking away our manufacturing jobs, and our hardworking farmers are being DEVASTATED by these earth pony immigrants, who, if I might say,” Trump pontificated, holding up a hand with an extended index finger, “are fat and ugly. Plus, the Pegasi are HUGE security threats; we’ve lost eight planes last week from Muslim Pegasi SUICIDE BOMBERS getting sucked in to jet engines. That is all.”
“Mr. President!” A thousand voices echoed over and over again from the crowd in the press room.
“Uhhh, you,” Trump responded, pointing stochastically to a random reporter in the room.
“Mr. President, aren’t you concerned that this is an unconstitutional breach of powers and denying ponies their rights?”
“Ponies don’t have human rights, they’re ponies. We’re making AMERICA great and safe again, not EQUESTRIA. Yes, you.”
“Mr. President, isn’t this just a discriminatory ban on interdimensional creatures?”
“No! No. It is not a ban on creatures from other dimensions. These are areas with TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE crime. I hear ISIS in all over Equestria. Pony suicide bombers are everywhere. Giant, crystal castles grow out of the ground and flatten city blocks. And besides, the Gryphon king has already said it’s not a ban on interdimensionals. Gryphonstone knows how to win. We don’t win anymore. You.”
“Mr. President, don’t you think we have bigger problems to worry about than colorful ponies? Fighting has started up again in Eastern Ukraine, and we at the Associated Press have reported that there are armored laser bears leading the charge for the Russian separatists. Care to respond?”
“FAKE NEWS. Goodnight.” Trump waltzed off the stage quickly.
Princess Celestia turned calmly to Twilight once more. “Well. I suppose we’re going to have to fix this problem, aren’t we?”
Twilight was far too busy standing with her mouth agape to issue any sort of reply.
Princess Celestia turned tail and walked to a nearby cord phone attached to the wall. Using her magic to pick up the receiver and dial a few numbers, she stood regally with the phone against her ear as she waited for someone to pick up on the other line.
“This is Sean Spicer.”
“Yes, hello Mr. Spicer, this is Princess Celestia of Equestria. We’d like to discuss the ban on ponies with President Trump, could you set up a meeting with him?”
“Calling to ask right after his speech!? You have no respect!” Sean Spicer seethed into the telephone. “Who sent you!? CNN!? NBC!? The Huffington Post!?”
“Uh, nopony sent me, I just-“
“Vox!? Slate!? Buzzfeed!? Mother Jones!? Mark Zuckerberg!?”
“Mr. Spicer, nopony…no one sent me. Can I just please get a meeting with President Trump?”
“You can take that request for a meeting and that phone and shove them-“
Princess Celestia blinked a few times as the sounds of a violent scuffle emanated from the other end of the phone, punctuated only by the sound of Sean Spicer screaming ‘No, please!’ and then a bloodcurdling scream. After a few seconds of silence, the receiver on the other end was picked up and the sounds of heavy breathing were heard.
“This is Steve Bannon. Princess Celestia, I’d be glad to set up a meeting with you,” a voice breathed into the phone.
Princess Celestia thought that she felt the receiver get colder, but thought nothing of it. “Great! When should I be there?”
“Actually, the ban applies to the Equestrian heads of state. However, I’ll speak with President Trump and have him stop by next week, before he heads to your world to pull out of the US-Dragon alliance.”
“Oh, um, that’s fine. We’ll be ready for him. Thank you, Mr. Bannon.”
Princess Celestia shivered as she felt Steve Bannon smile through the phone. “You’re welcome,” he said, before ending the call.
“Princess Celestia, come quickly!” Twilight called, her voice full of hope.
Princess Celestia hung up the receiver and quickly trotted to the other side of the room. “Yes, Twilight?”
Her former student hopped happily from hoof to hoof, her eyes glued to the television. “Some American Senators are about to speak! Elizabeth Warren is first, she’ll help us!”
Princess Celestia turned her eyes to the TV as the Senator from Massachusetts began to speak.
“I have stood up here time and time again to warn America about the evil that is Donald Trump,” Warren railed with indignation from the podium in the Senate. “But for the first time, I would like to commend Donald Trump for his work on instituting the ban on ponies!”
“WHAT!?” cried Twilight, her ears flopping to the sides of her head.
“For too long, we have seen the richest members of Equestrian society flooding into our nation to meet with the heads of bank executives on Wall Street and invest their solid gold currency, creating an interdimensional economic and demonic pact used to strangle ordinary Americans! If that wasn’t enough, last year, Goldman Sachs gave more than 500 million dollars to support non-human candidates, proving once again that money owns politics in this country!” Her final screech was enough to cause both Princesses to wince visibly.
“LIAR!” cried the newly elected Senator from Nevada, who was not even an Equestrian pony but an actual, literal talking horse. He was quickly sushed by his colleagues and reprimanded by the chair.
“Hold on, hold on,” a voice grumbled from outside the camera’s view. A few seconds later, the crumpled form of Bernie Sanders shambled up to the podium and pushed Warren out of the way in order to access the microphone. “Don’t forget that we’re talking about a country where two ponies…TWO… own 100% of the crystal castles, leaving nothing for the remaining, hardworking 249,999,998 members of the population. What kind of country is that?” He slammed a fist on the podium. “We don’t need them! Interdimensional NAFTA has been terrible, costing hundreds of thousands of hardworking American draft horses their jobs, and a surprising number of humans as well!”
Princess Celestia shut off the TV with her magic. “Don’t worry about it, Twilight. We’ll meet with President Trump and get this figured out.”
At that moment, Princess Celestia’s phone let out a beeping noise and Twilight’s ears perked up intently. She looked at Celestia with wide, frightened eyes. “I-is that a tweet? What does it say?”
Celestia squinted as she read from her phone. “Goofy Elizabeth Warren and crazy Bernie Sanders are right. Ban will save jobs & stop pony ISIS from entering US. Bad Hombres!”
_____________________________________________________________________________________
After several rounds of golf in the Royal gardens the following Tuesday morning, Trump waltzed onto the negotiation balcony with several secret service members. Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Twilight were already waiting for him.
After some perfunctory greetings and the mandatory offering of tea, the parties took their seats and began negotiations.
“Mr. Trump-“
“President Trump,” Trump corrected, holding up both small hands in ‘okay’ symbols and contorting his mouth into a small ‘O’ shape. “I didn’t destroy Jeb Bush and almost sweep the Midwest to be called ‘Mr.’, thank you.”
“President Trump,” the ever-patient Celestia began again, “we really would like you to reconsider this ban.”
“Okay.” There was a pause. “The ban will remain in place.”
“There is something attractive about your blunt, impassioned delivery, Mister President,” Princess Luna continued, her face betraying significant intellectual interest in the foreign Head of State.
“Watch it, blue horse,” Trump retorted, holding up a finger. “I already have a hot, Slavic wife.”
“Indeed,” Luna spoke back, her eyes scanning him with admiration as she popped several Tic-Tacs into her mouth.
“President Trump,” Twilight began, unable to sit back and let the negotiations fail on their own. “It’s really important that you think about this. Please! Not only will this ban hurt BOTH of our economies, it may trigger a serious constitutional cris-“
A magical pop silenced Twilight as Discord popped into existence above the table. “Hello girlies, I was just in the neighborhood, and- Oh, what do we have here?”
“This is a meeting, Discord,” Celestia responded tiredly. “We really don’t have any time for your games right now.”
“A meeting!? Oh, pardon my manners,” he replied dryly, snapping his paw. A suit materialized on him. “Now, you must be President Trump,” Discord gushed, flying close to Trump and batting his eyes, which suddenly had very long, feminine eyelashes. “I am a huge fan of yours.”
“Who is this bozo?” Trump asked.
“Bozo!? Why, I never!” Discord replied in mock hurt. He then smiled fiendishly. “Well, perhaps we should fix that bird’s nest of yours,” he spat, staring at Trump’s unique hairdo and snapping his paw.
Nothing happened.
“What?” Discord continued, snapping several more times. “How can you be immune? I’m the embodiment of living chaos!”
Trump scoffed. “Yeah, YOU are.”
“That’s it!” Discord huffed. “I don’t care what you think you are, but I know you’re a particularly annoying little gremlin with a poor taste in hair care products!”
“GET HIM OUT!” Trump called. “OUT OUT OUT!” His secret service sprang into action and began restraining Discord, with the two pony royal guards moving to help after a moment of hesitation.
“What are you doing?” Discord protested. “Unhand me immediately!”
“CONFISCATE HIS COAT! CONFISCATE HIS COAT!” Trump bellowed. One of his secret service members removed Discord’s suit jacket and tossed it to President Trump as the other, with the assistance of the two ponies, dragged Discord off of the balcony.
“Fluttershy will hear about this when she gets back from her extended vacation!” Discord cried as he was pulled away.
“You dealt with him quite swiftly,” Luna commented, biting her lip a little.
“President Trump, we’re just asking you to please-“
“Hold on, Princess,” Trump interrupted, pulling out his phone. “TOTALLY NOT CUTE Dragon Lord Ember didn’t want the US to pull out of Dragon NATO,” Trump typed aloud, hitting send and beginning a new tweet. “TOTAL DISASTER! Dragon Lands will pay up or get out of treaty!”
“President Trump!” Celestia shouted. “Please just at least tell us what we can do to fix the problem on our end so ponies can travel back and forth between our countries again!”
Trump sighed. “I’m only doing this because I love my country. I want America to WIN again. You ponies are taking are jobs, joining ISIS, blowing up jet engines on our planes…”
“I think I understand,” Luna chimed in. “You only want what is best for our country, as we only want what is best for our subjects. She walked over to Trump and sat next to him, leaning into him affectionately. “I think you’re a very strong man.”
Trump blinked a few times and frowned at her in an austere manner. “Here, have a coat,” he said, wrapping Discord’s jacket around her shoulders. “But you creepy, crazy pastel horses still can’t come in to the US until we can figure out what the hell is going on.”
“And I’m leaving until I figure out what the hell is going on,” Twilight said in a neutral tone, her face completely void of any emotion or understanding. “Wake me when this nightmare is over.”
______________________________________________________________________________
The next morning at breakfast, Princess Luna dug happily into her cereal as she read President Trump’s Twitter account.
“Turbid Twilight and Crappy Celestia were terrible at negotiations yesterday. Don’t worry, USA, the ban stands! (1/2)…Princess Luna was much better, respectful and smart! She should be running the show! (2/2).”
Princess Luna smiled widely reading that. She did deserve to be in charge, didn’t she? Maybe she’d start reading Breitbart once in a while, too.
Princess Celestia stumbled into the room next, practically collapsing into her dining room chair.
“I take it that your evening was not pleasant, sister?” Princess Luna asked.
Princess Celestia sighed in return. “No, it wasn’t. Between Twilight’s incoherent screeching, Trump’s jabs, dealing with the media, and ordering the groundskeepers to repair all of the divots in the royal gardens, I barely got any rest.”
Princess Luna swallowed her food. “Well, just remember that you have a meeting with Xi Jinping this afternoon to discuss those military bases they’re building on those islands off our coast, including the one we used for that reenactment a while back.”
Princess Celestia rested her head on the table. “I hate politics.”
