Canon Fodder

by DustyBones

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 2838

Equestria has faced many threats. Most of them apocalyptic in some way, shape, or form. But sometimes, the biggest threat doesn't come from the enemies, but the fans.

Through the power of friendship, any threat can be defeated. The inhabitants of Ponyville know this first-hand. They have seen Princess Twilight and her friends face down threats that nopony thought existed. The six of them in turn can always rely on the goodwill and cheer of their Ponyville friends and fans.

However, the plucky population of Ponyville faces its greatest threat yet. One of apocalyptic proportions. One that will need everypony's (and maybe even Discord's) help to defeat.

Bad fanfics.

Can they stand their ground against overpowered OCs, rampant shipping, and other horrors? Will Ponyville survive the onslaught? Will Vinyl Scratch ever find a time when her Bass Cannon is not the answer? All these questions and more, answered in "Canon Fodder".

Published 2017-02-18 06:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-18 06:50:02 UTC

Ponies vs. Anonymous

Pinkie Pie was scared.

It was an odd emotion. Nothing like the fun terror of Nightmare Night nor even the (mostly) harmless frights that came from a good prank. This was spine-tingling, knee-knocking, teeth-chattering, concentrated fear. Her Pinkie Sense had been ringing off the hook all morning and she had no idea what it meant. Only that it was big. As in, “super-mega-ultra disaster” big. “Ursa Major with a migraine and magic steroids on a sugar high” big.

And worst of all? It was making her miss a party! A party she planned! A party she was supposed to be running! The “Hooray, We Saved Equestria Again!” party! She had a banner for it and everything! Cupcakes, pound cakes, chocolate cakes, crab cakes, patty-cakes…

But instead of going out and having fun, she was hiding in her room. It was so sad. Almost sad enough to--

A knock came at the door. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Twilight!” Pinkie threw the door open and dragged the alicorn inside. Then, she began bouncing around the room. Off the walls. The roof. The bed. “Twilight, Twilight, Twilight!”

“Calm down, Pinkie!” her friend said, alarmed. Pinkie screeched to a halt mid-air and plopped to the floor. Twilight took a deep, calming breath. “Now, tell me what’s wrong. Why aren’t you at the party? It’s not like you.”

“Well I was going to go and I was all excited and I had cakes of all kinds: pound cakes, cupcakes, chocolate cakes, double-cherry extravaganza cakes, even a Pegasus Surprise cake! But then, I got this reeeeeeally big combo! My ears flopped, my tail twitched for, like, five whole minutes! Even my eyes went loopy!” She grabbed Twilight and shook her. “Do you know what happens when my eyes go loopy?!”

“N-no?”

“Huh. Neither do I. But that doesn’t matter! My Pinkie Sense is telling me that something’s coming! Something bad! And so I’m staying inside.”

At one point, Twilight would have dismissed Pinkie’s concerns. No more. She’d tried to understand, but that had failed. Now, she just believed. And so, when faced with news like that, she did the only logical thing she could think of.

She walked outside and screamed for everyone to take cover.

The residents of Ponyville were a hardy lot. They’d been through many adventures, had their town destroyed countless times, and faced down horrors which Ponykind was never meant to face. Common opinion was that, when something weird came to town, let the six local heroes deal with it. Nothing short of a cataclysmic event really interrupted their day-to-day lives anymore. When a battle was going on, they merely avoided the area and shopped on the other side of town.

But, something about Twilight’s voice and demeanor told them that this was no time to be caught lying about. It was time for one of their proudest traditions: unadulterated panic.

Twilight nodded, satisfied with their response. Now, time to gather her friends and--

“Excuse me, Ms. Twilight.” She turned. It was that brown earth pony who kept the town clock working. The one that Derpy followed around. “If there’s some sort of crisis, I was wondering if you’d need some assistance. I am the Doctor after all.”

Twilight shook her head. “Oh no. That’s nice of you, but hopefully no one will get hurt. If we need a doctor, we’ll come find you.” She dashed off. She didn’t bother wondering why a timekeeper would also be a doctor. She had more important things.

“...I’m not that sort of doctor…” Dr. Whooves sighed and kicked a nearby stone. “Very well. I can see I’m not needed. I will simply grab Miss Hooves and see if the Horsehead Nebula Spa has any rooms still open.”

///////////////////////////////

Soon, Twilight marched up and down in front of her friends, who’d helpfully put themselves in a line. Sugarcube Corner was, for the moment, their base of operations. Aside from the six bearers of the Elements of Harmony, twenty other ponies had taken cover there. It was a bit crowded.

“Alright girls,” Twilight said, determination on her face, “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know when it’s going to happen. I don’t know if we can stop it. But I’ll be a--”

“Burnt cupcake?” Pinkie supplied.

“I’ll be a burnt cupcake before I let whatever it is waltz in here and terrorize Ponyville!” Twilight paused. “Again.”

“It’s fine,” Bon-Bon said from the corner, “We’re used to it.”

“Eeyup,” Big Mac agreed.

“That does not help!” Twilight snapped.

The universe lurched. Twilight shook her head to clear the sudden fog that had fallen upon her. It felt like she had stayed in the same spot, but the world had taken a sharp step to the left. Out of instinct, she summoned her magic. Something was here. Something dangerous...

“Hi, guys! What are we all doing here?” Nope. Not that. That was just a pony's voice.

Pinkie Pie gasped in horror and hid under the counter. “Twilight!” she hissed, “That’s the thing! That’s what my Pinkie Sense was warning me about!”

Twilight glanced over at the strange pony in the corner laughed. “Oh don’t be ridiculous Pinkie…” That statement was a contradiction in terms. Twilight chose to ignore it for the moment. “It’s just a perfectly normal…” She looked harder at the pony sitting in the corner. “...male Alicorn.” With legs like a changeling and a mane that was literally on fire. “That I have never seen before.”

The stranger laughed. “But Twilight! We’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“Kids?” Twilight repeated. She couldn’t remember being a young goat. She would have remembered something like that.

“Yes! Queen Valence babysat us.”

The gears in Twilight's head churned. “Princess Cadence?”

The stranger laughed. “Right, right. Cadence. How could I forget. Let me look at the wiki again…”

Everypony took a few steps away from the abomination. “This is when things get weird, isn’t it?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Given the track record of our adventures,” Rarity said, “Yes.”

Fluttershy perked up. “Um, Twilight? I think...I think it’s just Discord pulling a prank.”

Twilight’s fear and confusion evaporated. “Discord!” she shouted, “What have I told you about scaring everypony?.”

“Discord?” the stranger said, “No, no. I am Phoenix Fire, the King of Awesomeness!”

“...Hey!” Rainbow Dash flew right up into his face. “You can’t just claim awesomeness for yourself!”

“Well I would have picked ‘Coolness’, but Joey’s alicorn OC already had that.”

Rainbow Dash’s mouth worked silently for a good ten seconds. “That’s not...how can...what?!”

Phoenix patted the pegasus on the head. “I know. It can be a lot to take in. But I can assure you, now that I’m here, everything will be at least…What's that meme? Lemme check the wiki again.” He cleared his throat. “Twenty-percent more awesome.”

Twilight and Fluttershy exchanged nervous glances. “I...I take it back,” Fluttershy said, “He’s not acting like Discord at all.”

“Alright, everypony!” Applejack called, “There ain't no need t’ panic. We can figure out what’s going on.” She turned to Twilight. “Twi, what in the hay's going on here?”

“I don’t…” Twilight straightened. She was an alicorn princess. A real one. Not whatever this thing was. And her friends were right here with her. She could handle this. “You!” She pointed at Phoenix. “Who and what are you?”

“I’m an alicorn,” he said helpfully, “Well, half-alicorn.The other half is changeling. Would you like to hear my backstory?”

Pinkie’s head popped up from behind the counter and she waved her hooves frantically. Twilight, however, felt she needed to know more. And if this strange thing was willing to offer information freely, she wasn't about to stop it. She whipped out a scroll and a quill. “Sure…?” Pinkie’s eyes rolled up in the back of her head and she fainted. Rarity alone had the presence of mind to supply her with a pillow to fall on. It was no fainting couch, but it was the best she could do on short notice.

Phoenix smiled. His wings flared wide and a searing light filled the room. Something caught on fire. Mr. and Mrs. Cake leapt into action and put it out. “Behold!” Phoenix declared, “I, Phoenix Fire, am the tragic result of a union between Nightmare Moon and a changeling prince! For he, the traitorous scum, disguised himself as Nightmare Moon’s lover and tricked her into a night of lust! Only when I was born was the treachery discovered! And then--”

“Nightmare...Moon…” Rainbow repeated. “You’re the son of Nightmare Moon?”

“Yes. That is what I said. Now if you’d just listen to me, I’ll…”

“Then why are you so bright and shiny?” Rainbow snapped, “I mean, come on! If you’d said Princess Celestia, that might’ve been more believable.”

“Aside from the fact that Nightmare Moon didn’t exist long enough to have a son,” Twilight added, “The historical records I’ve dug up from that time, in addition to first-hoof accounts from Princess Luna herself, indicate that--”

“I am the son of Nightmare Moon!” Phoenix snapped, “AU! I claim the right of AU!”

“‘Hey you?’ Hey who?” Applejack asked.

"Oh, it's a term," Phoenix explained, "For when things are different than they'd normally be."

"Like right now," Twilight muttered.

"Oh no! I wanted a strictly canon universe to set my epic tales of me being awesome in," Phoenix said with a grin, "But I have to consult the wiki a lot to do it. Anyway, got any existential threats looming that I can solve in five minutes?"

“Helloooo Pinkie Pie!” an absolutely fabulous voice called from outside, “I’m here to pick up my order. You understand if I don’t come inside, right? I'm not saying I'm fat, mind you, but your pony-sized doors just don't cut it for my figure.”

Pinkie’s head shot up. “Oh no, STEPHEN! RUN!”

Phoenix’s horn flared. “Ah-ha! A sea serpent is attacking Ponyville! Never fear, I shall defeat it and save the day!” Fire gathered around him and he charged outside. Some of the curtains ignited. The Cakes scrambled to put it out.

“That’s really not--” Twilight began. He'd already disappeared. She gulped. “Stephen! RUN! Just run!”

"Have at thee, sea serpent!"

“Sea serpent?” the fabulous, purple-scaled reptile said, “Excuse me, I am a river serpent. Don’t confuse me with those--those crude ruffians! I am a person of refined tastes and--Oh Celestia! What are you doing?! Oh stop! Stop! My hair! My beautiful hair!” Tears streaming down his face and smoke trailing from his hair, Stephen Magnet slithered away as fast as his body would take him.

Phoenix trotted in proudly. “Behold! I have saved the day.! You may feel free to worship me.” He leered suggestively at them. "And by that I mean--"

“Ohhh-kay,” Applejack strode forward. “I’m gonna put a stop to this here nonsense right now.”

“Nonsense?” Phoenix snorted and a puff of flame threatened to set Sugarcube Corner on fire once again. The Cakes were in tears. “I saved the town.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Oh, how could I forget? Yer so brave, beatin’ up a sweetheart like Stephen.”

“I know I am,” Phoenix replied. He smiled and leaned in. “But don’t worry…” He wrapped a hoof around Applejack's shoulders and whispered right in her ear. “...I’m not so high and mighty that I would pass up a farm-mare like you.”

The other ponies were frozen, either in horror, anger, or even a slight amount of intrigue (though Rarity would vehemently deny it to anyone who asked). Applejack’s face twisted into a knot of pure disgust. “Get yer hooves off me. Right now. Or I’ll show you why I’m the best apple-bucker in all Equestria.”

“Oh?” Phoenix leaned in and pulled her tighter to his body. “Show me,” he whispered, "Buck me all night long."

An almost cruel smile spread across the farm-mare's face. "Well, if ya'll insist." She reared back and sent both hooves on a collision course with his face.

BANG!

Phoenix went sailing, head-first, through the front door and all the way into a house two-streets over. The door caught fire. The street caught fire. Even the house caught fire. He nursed his cheek and inspected the twin hoof-marks newly imprinted there. “Wow…” he said dreamily.

The two inhabitants of the house glared at him. “Oh hello, ladies,” he said, “I’m Phoenix Fire, the hottest stallion around. And you are?”

"Octavia," the one on the right said coolly.

“Vinyl Scratch,” the one on the left added. She pointed a hoof at him. "You broke our wall. And now it's on fire. That's...kind of awesome."

"Lovely to make your acquaintance," Phoenix purred. He rose and stepped toward them. "But what say we get better acquainted?" The mares exchanged glances.

"I'll get it," Vinyl said.

"Ooh." Phoenix grinned. "Getting something...interesting?"

"Not much." She lugged a giant, black box into the room. “Just, ya know, my bass cannon.”

Phoenix’s eyes widened. “What now?”

The mare just smiled.

Vinyl’s bass cannon did not fail. Wubs tore the air in twain and then mashed it back together again in a horrendous, though very catchy, mess. Not only did it send Phoenix flying, it put out the fire too! Though, that victory did come at the expense of the northern wall. Neither of them particularly cared. Vinyl destroyed the house every other week with her parties. Though it was getting very hard to find insurance.

Octavia watched Phoenix fly back into Sugarcube Corner. She sniffed. "Creep.”

////////////////////

Many buckings later (and no small amount of Alicorn strength-enhancing magic), Phoenix crashed through the Royal Canterlot Palace's stained-glass window and right into the court of Princess Celestia. “Wow. She really is the best bucker in all Equestria!” he declared, “Oh! Hi, Mom.”

Celestia looked down at Luna, a smirk on her face. “Lulu! You didn’t tell me you had a son!”

Luna’s face darked. “We swear, sister, we do not. We know not who this imposter be, but we can think of only one thing to do with such an abomination who speaks such slander against our good name.”

"Abomination?" Phoenix replied.

"Verily!" Luna swept a hoof and flared her wings dramatically, "Thou art some devious ploy by Chrysalis, methinks!"

"No, I'm just half-changeling, half-alicorn." He smiled at them and launched once more into his backstory.

Celestia's eyes lit up with understanding. "Oh." She nudged Luna. "Lulu, I believe I have a better understanding of the situation now."

Luna scowled. "We, also, think we understand. We do believe yon abomination is merely a dunce.'"

"He's an OC," Celestia said, "Ahem, "original character". Ever since the Elements of Harmony were rediscovered, they keep popping up all over the place."

Luna took a step back. "Sister," she said, "Equestria hath been invaded and ye did not think to tell me!"

Celestia giggled. Regally. "Not invaded. They're more like...tourists. Or really, they're the how the tourists choose to represent themselves in our world. It's a compliment that so many would want to spend their time here. However..." She glared down at Phoenix, who'd just entered into the third chapter of his backstory where everything he ever loved was killed and he was left alone to brood. "Some of them cause more trouble than anything. This is one such example."

Luna's eyes narrowed. "So this...creature is not real, but an illusion created by another?"

"Correct."

"And it hath been plaguing the good citizens of Equestria?"

"Given, ahem, overbearing personality and the hoofmarks and bruises on its side..." Celestia nodded. "I'd say he's been making a nuisance of himself." A letter popped into existence right in front of her. She read it and frowned. "Quite the nuisance. Oh dear. Ponyville is almost destroyed again, it seems."

Luna smiled. "Then, sister, we vote that if it wishes to experience with our land and live as a citizen within it, we grant its wish. But of course, we must treat it as we would any other denizen of our land. Especially if he is going to be a threat to the safety and stability of our fair land. And, well, a false alicorn running around setting fire to whatever he meets? That is a grave threat, methinks."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Is that so?"

"Quite!" declared Luna. She summoned up her Royal Canterlot voice. "Hear me, oh visitor from the great unknown! Know that we understand your intentions and approve of them! And, in recognition for your well-placed admiration of our bounteous land, we hereby off you an experience which only we of the Royal Family of Canterlot can provide!"

Phoenix paused in his story. Excitement filled his eyes and he licked his lips. "O-oh really?"

"INDEED!" Luna smiled in an almost Nightmare-Moon way. "We hereby offer you a one-way trip..." She reared back and spread her hooves wide. "TO THE MOON!"

Magic erupted below Phoenix. A column of light shot up all the way into the sky, carrying him with it. And thus, Phoenix was banished.

Luna giggled. "Verily, that is much more fun than it has any right to be."