Princess Luna's Extravagant Plethora of Undefeatable Hostiles

by Skylarking the Stargazer

Rating: everyone
Tags: Tiberius, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Random, Discord, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 4156

Thou art full of the tart!

Princess Luna is not only the Princess of the Night, but also the princess of dreams. However, her unnatural habits can cause much irony in her. When she gets caught in her own dream, it becomes reality after the Discord in her dream decides to knot things up.

While everything seems normal and fine at first, Luna becomes more alarmed and uncanny when she begins to see enemies spawning all over the castle. And as the mother of Tantabus warrior of the night, she must do whatever it takes to protect her subjects from the forces of evil, no matter what.

Fortunately, they are not what Luna perceived them to be.

Published 2017-02-21 06:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-21 06:00:01 UTC

Tilting at Pillars, and Occasionally Ponies

Author's Note

Inspired from a passage from "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes, cracked me up! :rainbowlaugh: You may see a couple of familiar references to it (no plagiarism involved).

If you noticed me constantly switching Luna's tone of speech, I only inserted her Royal Canterlot (and archaic) voice when she talks to common ponies that she is not close to, or when she is angry (unless it's to Discord).

Tilting at Pillars, and Occasionally Ponies

"Huzzah!"

Princess Luna noted her observation of the world around her: the silky way of milk (or what is commonly known as the milky way), passerby trees although they have absolutely zero potential of leaving their position (otherwise they die), and the healthy fat pumpkins tumbling across the still waters from the corner of her right eye.

"Huzzah!" She repeated the same word for no obvious reason other than just repeating it. "Behold, pumpkins of Lunar Dreamland! Ye shalt be feasted with care and love, by means of our teeth and tongue!"

Leaping elegantly with grace and lighthearted glory, Luna took a sniff of the fresh air before landing down on the ground. The stars began to move at her will, with each of them wrapped smoothly in a blue aura. Soon they formed a nice constellation of the alicorn's own face, much to the Princess's delight.

"Alas! That is the aesthetic work of art of radicalness! As my dear friend of Loyalty have once put it. More constellations shall I make!"

And so the stars moved once again, this time forming a familiar looking opossum with a thin long tail curving upwards. Pumpkins continued to roll toward the river banks that stretched across Lunar Dreamland. Basically the river is Luna's only resource for guaranteed survival, much to her delight. Water was all she needed anyway.

"Ah, Tiberius! My fellow comrade in war! How can I possibly go anywhere with your absence present..." She scratched her head. "Did I just contradict myself?"

Without her realization, the stars began to move on their own, and then formed another familiar figure that practically everyone was disgusted to see. One hint: draconequus.

"Discord!" The Princess called, pointing an angry hoof to the newly made constellation in the night sky. "Thou have ruined our work of art!"

With a snap of his talons, Luna was soon wrapped around by the stars herself. Unable to set herself free, the alicorn lit her horn and soon Discord was trapped inside a cage made of stars. Even then, the draconequus can only laugh out loud.

"Ho ho ho, Princess Luna! How could somepony like you let your guard down in your own 'dreamland'? Not enough Night Guards I see?"

"But 'tis does not make sense!" Luna looked at her fore hooves. "I no longer have control over my dreams!"

Discord snapped his talons again, and the two returned back onto the ground. Plopped onto a small pumpkin, Luna pondered on and on with the means of counting her hooves, whilst Discord rolled his eyes on how that would ever help, clearly Luna only has—

"Four! I have four hooves, Discord!"

He smacked his face again, shaking his head.

"That is —" Discord rubbed his chin "— very credible for a literal fact your kind has been aware of ages ago."

"Now then, since the lack of difficulty it was taking advantage of your vulnerability, I shall head onward to-morrow." He casually walked away from the alicorn, and at a safe distance, he jumped with joy.

"My interest still lies on that tea party with Fluttershy!"

"Ughhhhhh my parietal lobe." Luna groaned as she lifted her head up from the pillow. Her elder sister, Princess Celestia, was still sleeping soundly under the tardy sun.

She can still feel Celestia's hooves kicking against her head whenever she moves, by which Luna was unhappy to remember the stupid "truth or dare" game she did with her sister the night before: When the latter won a bet against the younger alicorn on whether their pegasus Royal Guard, Brazen Bluff, would come crashing through the windows to file on a report of his patrol because he often forgets the platform where he was supposed to make a proper landing, Luna would have to sleep on the other side of the bed against her sister's legs. Everyday the Royalty would have to pay five hundred bits just to repair the damaged windows.

It was dawn, although the moon was still largely unseen from the vast orange emitted from the sun. It was time for the Sol Princess to head for bed anyway, and let the Luna Princess take over for the night. Curious to see where the moon's location was at this point, Luna rolled off the bed and crashed into the wardrobe.

Another groan, another woe.

Putting on her opossum knitted slippers, Luna picked up her beloved pet, Tiberius (coincidentally also an opossum, if you already haven't figured out), and walked out of her bedroom. The first sight Luna would receive were the Royal Guards saluting to each other before heading to their own post and calling it a day. Night Guards began walking into the princess's light, replacing the Royal Guards of their daylight, with the same exact given duty and position as their predecessors.

"Good evening, Princess Luna, our lustrous moon."

"Greetings, Nebulous Spinel." Luna shook hooves with the young earth pony, who saluted in return. "But thou must know, our moon hath not arrived yet."

"That was a figurative speech, your majestic huntress."

"Oh, well then." The mare blushed, reddening her normally blue face. "We hope thou shall have a glorious night."

"You too, Princess."

As the two began to part ways, Nebulous Spinel's ears twitched when rapid hoof steps were heard from a good distance away from him, then a loud crash that seemed to be the castle itself. Distracted by a wandering mosquito, the stallion shrugged and marched onward to get rid of the innocent pest.

Blazing with fury, she dashed across the castle as pillars collapsed behind her. Standing on her shoulder, Tiberius looked around to witness the history done: glass shards shattered with swift strikes of hooves, cracks seething past the Equestrian fault lines, and worst of all, he had absolutely no idea on how to stop this impetuous alicorn from her pointless rampage.

"Do not fear, Tibbles! With me by your side, we shall defeat our enemies and put an end to their nefarious ambitions once and for all!"

The opossum smacked his head in helplessness.

Her eyes darting for enemies, Luna flinched and jumped back, putting herself in battle position. Standing before her, was an enormous and outraged Kodiak bear swiping his paws back and forth. Without hesitation, Luna charged towards the Ursa, lighting her horn with a magic beam. She released it and it penetrated through the poor animal, before burning out into nothingness.

"Yes! This is fun!" The princess clapped her hooves in delight, and hopped all the way down the castle hall. Behind her were the debris of destroyed marble pieces of the pillars that were specifically built to hold the castle ceilings in place.

"Um Normal Star, you know where Poker Face went? He was supposed to be patrolling around the stairs at the east end."

Normal Star, the bearded stallion of beauty, looked up to his comrade, and started to break-dance.

"Dude, didn't the Princess tell you not to put shades on during work, unless you feel 'radical' enough?"

The caramel stallion stopped his stylish seizure, and proceeded to nod ten times. His comrade rolled eyes and walked away.

"Why was I assigned to partner up with this idiot?"

Normal Star bobbed his head back and forth, and walked weirdly around the his partner, who was far less than amused putting up with such horse stack. He proceeded to shove Normal Star out of the way. Consequently, the latter suddenly took cover as if he was in a Maretrix scene. Before the other stallion knew anything, a piece of a marble pillar flew straight into his face (making him smile brighter than before), and sent him rolling along the floor.

"I swear whoever committed such a huge atrocity shall grind rocks beneath my hooves—"

"Princess Luna!" The guard quickly rushed over and bowed to his only superior, which was not the white sunny old mare who likes to drink tea and steal Luna's slice of cake whenever she got the chance to, apparently because she is antisocial at night. "May I ask what brings you here?"

"Greetings, Typical Underachiever. We hope thou have had a fine night so far."

Of course, he was cursed by his irresponsible parents who did nothing for him but fed and raised him happily, and successfully into the Royal Guard army, everything he had hoped to dream of. But they were irresponsible anyway simply because he was given such an average name. Rolling his eyes, Typical Underachiever politely asked,

"Thank you kindly, but I was thinking maybe you shouldn't call me by that, please? You deserve a better name for me."

Luna tapped her chin as she tried to remember his nickname, and it did not come out pretty either.

"Indeed, Tyro Colt, we are sorry for forgetting about thy identity."

Moreover than just his average name, he was an average soldier who never lived up to his superior's expectations. As Princess Celestia had once put it in her School For Gifted Unicorns, academically on a 4.0 rubric scale, underachievers like him typically would receive a 3.0 or below.

"You didn't have to call me that either, and you emphasized it too."

"Yo, Lulu!" Normal Star tossed his shades at the Princess, who caught it with a swipe of a hoof and it smoothly landed onto her nose.

"Oh whoops, silly me" — she adjusted the shades' position with — "'Radical-ness'!" Normal Star bobbed his head again in agreement, as the two began dancing around Tyro Colt, and by that I meant as in tripping and losing balance.

"Princess Luna," Tyro Colt shook his head in disapproval, "Do you even know what you're doing at this moment? Like how did you get even end up here at first place?"

"Ha! No fear Tyro Novice!"

"Stop changing my name, it's getting worse every time—"

"With us by thy side, thou shalt fear not of all hostiles lurking around in our territory!"

"Wait what? Hostiles?"

"A-ha! Back off ye fiends!" Princess Luna fired a beam at a couple of the pillars, and they faded away into dust.

"Princess! Those pillars were our sacred architectures designed by some of the finest, erm, architects that almost no one even bothered to memorize! You do realize that was a huge atrocity you have committed against your daylight subjects right?!"

"Geez shut up Watercolt, just sit back and let Lulu do what she wants! She knows what she's doing." Normal Star laid back against the marble wall on the floor with his legs crossed, holding a glass cup. "And have some coffee."

"I'm not a watercolt—"

"Anti-Flamboyant Bench Boy! Look out behind you!"

With that instant, the rookie was able to barely dodge a high speed projectile fired by the mad alicorn, blasting through walls and eventually out of the castle, causing a star to twinkle. Crashing down were debris of the ancient castle that once were glorious in the daytime, but no one really thinks of them too often at night, so none of the Night Guards cared much. The only thing Tyro Colt was concerned of was Luna's madness, so he tried to be brave for once and dashed over to hug his superior's leg.

"Your highness, you must know that there aren't any hostiles in this castle! Not even in the outskirts of Canterlot!"

"Ha! What nonsense! Thou art merely afraid to fight! That is why thou art a nopony!"

"Yah I agree Lulu, he got no style, no coolness, no awesomeness, annnnnddd—"

"No radicalness!"

With that, Luna flew over to the laid back Normal Star, and the two hoofbumped. Immediately Luna resumed to destroying more pillars.

"Oh, well then..." Tyro scratched the back of his head, smiling awkwardly as he backed off. "You win."

Immediately, Luna went for the big game. An enormous titan has spawned and was stomping through the castle floor towards her. Determined and courageous, and occasionally just plain stupid, Luna charged towards the ferocious beast on ground.

Triggered, the titan threw down an open hand to smack the mare down, but it only proved to be a blunder when Luna made a sudden boost straight up with her wings. Before the giant can realize anything, it was already too late for defense as the sleek alicorn fired a freeze spell at him, turning him into solid ice. With a flap of her wings, Luna was able to scatter the giant chunk of ice into tiny pieces of glass shards.

"Hmph! That was way too easy!" Luna took off Normal Star's shades and flung her mane in style.

"Did you just waste your magic on falling debris of pillars...?" Tyro smacked his head. "Oh my lord, help me."

"Help you? Luna fumed as she turned around, causing the stallion to flinch and back away even further into a wall. "We can give thee enough help than thou ever needed in your life since your mother fed you milk, thou miserable colt!"

"Okay okay! Princess!" Tyro Colt tried to regain his breath after that heart attack scare. "M-m-maybe we can sit down and... talk...?"

"Finally you got rid of him, he was kinda a pest if you ask me."

"Fair words, Normal Star, although I have to admit that your name is no better than all his nicknames we gave him."

"Did you actually throw him out of the window? Brazen Bluff would be blamed and another five hundred would be tossed out the window again."

"Worry not, my friend. First of all, some hipster ponies hang out near our castle every night around this time, and coincidentally by my calculation I should have tossed Tyro Colt out right onto the group, getting rid of them in the process. Second of all, Brazen is a daytime Royal Guard, so that would be 'Tia's problem, not mine."

"Hm, I suppose you're right, an intelligent mind as always Lulu."

The two hoof bumped again, and a familiar scream coming from below was followed by a snap in the knee bone. Subsequently were shrugs and another hoof bump.

"Your majestic huntress!" Nebulous Spinel rushed over to Princess Luna, panting. "I have been looking all over for you after I noticed the debris of our destroyed pillar architectures!"

"Now that sounded familiar, where have we just heard it from before?" Normal Star scratched his beard. Luna pretended to wonder too before intentionally digressing from the subject.

"Thou seem as calm as ever, shall we summon the ambulance?"

"Um, no?"

"Um, okay."

"Um, well."

"Um, yes?"

"Um, I think—"

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!

"Be alert, guards! I think there are still more titans out there!" Luna readied herself in battle position, her eyes focused on the incoming threat from down the north hall.

"I think you're deluded, Princess, all I'm hearing is a mosquito buzzing from your opposite direction." The insect flew past by and greeted Tiberius, who shook paws with it. "And speaking of mosquitoes, I remember now that I was chasing one across the castle because it was distracting."

"And you got distracted, just like that." Normal Star added.

There was an awkward wave of silence as the crickets chirped, until Tiberius squeaked and nuzzled Luna on her cheek.

"Yes, ironically. That is how I ended up here with you guys..."

"Anyway, your majestic huntress, if by truth your observation was correct, how is it even possible that a titan can fit in this place?"

"Because I just fought one."

"That sounded really assuring."

Finally, the mysterious hostile has entered into the moonlight. Snaring, Luna growled and bared her teeth. A fairly large animal with the head of a lion, the body of a tiger, a tail of a serpent, and the wings of a golden eagle. The creature growled with a warning. With both sides feeling threatened, the two first made eye contact in their standoff.

"Look over there, our good friend Nebulous Spinel." Luna grabbed the stallion over and pointed over to the beast, who seemed to wave a paw. "Twenty meters away stands an ancient sphinx: the monstrous predator, eager to bring destruction to our ponykind. But unfortunate for that monster, we shalt be dealt with of him, and in glory its loots shall be ours to keep."

"Uh, what sphinx Princess?"

"That creature across from where thou art standing." Luna replied. "Long tail, sharp claws, razor sharp teeth, and nice fur."

"His mane looks pretty fine too if you ask me." Normal Star added, leaning against a wall while he sat down.

"Exactly," Luna agreed, "So on my mark, you two will stay behind me and back me up while I take all the credit."

"Look, your majestic huntress," Spinel sighed, "what we see there is not a sphinx, but a familiar authority that you should have recognized with ease."

Luna laughed, followed by another hoof bump with Normal Star. "And by that, we know that thou art not fit to become a Royal Guard, especially in the night, where it is hard to stay alert of subtle but dangerous invasions. Thou art only a tad better than that Tyro fool. Thou can back off like a coward, and observe my epic victory over this magnificent beast."

"Everypony is better than Tyro Colt, he's a waste of space." Spinel shrugged. "But I suggest that you should really set your hooves and horn down for this one, it might not end well for all of us."

"Um, your majesty?"

But it was too late, Luna was already on her way charging toward the sphinx. Letting out a war cry, Luna fired a freeze spell at all the nearby hostiles watching her, which were basically more pillars. Nevertheless, Luna vanquished them with a glow of her horn, before switching to another spell against the awaiting sphinx, who leaped over the alicorn and emitted a fireball from his mouth.

Ready for action, she fired her shot towards the fireball, and the impact caused an explosion, destroying more pillars in the process. With dust and smoke piled up in the air, Luna ambushed the sphinx with a tackle, only to find herself unable to get anywhere closer to him within one feet.

"What? Impossible!"

"I call hacks, that ain't fair play yo." Normal Star commented from the side. Nebulous gave him a light smack on the head.

Exhaling from her nostrils, the Princess of the Night teleported behind the beast and proceeded to pick it up from the ground. Nebulous Spinel gawked at the shocking scene...

Of Luna waddling her hooves like a filly attempting to swim in the water, he could not help but laugh... Seriously, anyone would.

Anyway, about this time the pillars began to rebuild themselves, and were standing in their original positions, not a scratch to be found.

"Argh!" Luna cried as she saw the new situation before her, "Impossible! These are the undead slime creatures that Discord once hung out with! Bunch of cowards and frauds who would not play fair!"

Crickets chirped again, and Nebulous Spinel was baffled again by his superior's behavior. Normal Star just did a hoof up to signal the princess, encouraging her to remain boisterous, because honestly, who can stop her from her rampage of excitement?

"Prepare for your end, ye dishonorable vile beings!"

With that exclamation set in stone, she put her heart with all her content and glory on the line, and furiously charged towards the slime creatures. Like the last soldier standing on the battlefield, ferocity can only be determined not by the results, but by the pure simple minded and absolute stupidity.

Luna crashed into the pillar, this time it was her skull that felt cracked, not the pillars. Dizzy with stars twirling above, the mindless alicorn walked improperly, leaning side to side. That does not exclude bumping into more magically repaired pillars that was only mysterious to the ruler of the night herself.

"I liek dose stahrs!" She raised her hoof thoughtlessly. "Dey mak' me gain weight of Woona-ness and pampkins of mah Woonar Dreemland!" And with that said, she collapsed on the floor without another word.

"Whoo! Lulu! That's my lady of the night!" Normal Star cheered, and plucked a popcorn from a random bag, before handing it over to Nebulous Spinel, who took a glance at the full-of-nothingness inside. He returned a glare at his comrade, who shrugged and replied,

"Throw it out for me, I guess?"

Ignoring the level of immaturity the stallions have gotten to, the sphinx walked over to the defeated Luna, and tapped on her head.

"Wake up, sleepyhead."

Opening one eye, Luna was shocked to see who it was.

"Toasty Junior the Third...?"

"That was not even close."

A smack on her left cheek, followed by another on her right, Luna rubbed her eyes and gave herself a clearer view of who the sphinx truly was, and this time she could not be wrong.

"C-C-Ce-'Tia? What are you doing here? Shouldn't you have gone to bed already?"

"I had an omnious dream of you doing something rash. Again." Luna frowned in dislike. "And coincidentally a Night Guard woke me up to report me of some 'heated energy' radiating out at the south end of the castle, so here I am. Not excluding repairing any damages you have caused to our precious ancient antiques." She proceeded to point at the rebuilt, massive pillars designed with sophiscated quality.

"O-oh, s-so you k-k-knew everything?"

"Well, I wasn't surprised when I found out that it was you." Celestia chuckled, and Luna frowned again. "Which was why I decided to play with you for a bit, and it turns out that you haven't changed at all: young and playful like always!"

Blushing, Luna walked away from her sister to check on the two Night Guards, who were still punching and grabbing each other by the cheeks. Noticing their superior watching, they immediately ceased their childishness and bowed in apology.

"Hush, 'Tia" Luna replied as she turned back to her sister, "the glory of war to me is beyond of importance than anything else in Equestria's boundary. I believe that it was the wicked sorcerer: Discord, and his wicked trickeries of wicked stuffs trying to put me in tearful shame with a snap of his talons. It was him who turned these pillars into titans, bears and slimy creatures. Coincidentally one of them is also a friend of Discord's, do you see the connection here, sister?"

"Well, all I see here is that you need to get some rest and be prepared for the big day— night tomorrow. Why don't you head to bed at this instant?"

"Aw come on 'Tia! You know how I don't like to sleep during my duty hours!"

"Do it for your little friend lying on your messy mane at least."

Luna looked up, only to see Tiberius snoring quietly in peace. Gently taking him off her head with her hooves, she smiled and nuzzled his soft furry belly.

"Sleep tight, my Tibbles, the loyal one who never left my side no matter where or when."

With a yawn, Luna complied with her sister's advice and began walking back to their bedroom. Celestia smiled and walked alongside her, under the gleaming windows of the showering moonlight.

"So, Neb."

"Yes? What is it, Normal Star?"

"Wanna be my new partner?"

"If that happens to be the case, then I must inform the princess and fellow comrades to replace my position before I can take any drastic action, why is that you want me to be your partner of east hall?"

"Dude, you know why, everypony is freakin' sick of that Waterboy who always sleeps by a corner during duty hours. He even steals my popcorns!"

"Well it would be kind of dishonorable to even take Tyro's lame job, but you're not that bad of a guy than I expected you to be."

"So you accept?"

"By the stars I won't say no!"

Normal Star tossed a pair of shades to his new partner on duty, followed by the two putting on their shades with—

"Awesomeness."

"Coolness."

"Annnnnd radicalness!"

With that, Normal Star reached out his hoof for a hoof bump, a sign of true friendship and "bromance" between ponies of masculinity. Smiling, Nebulous Spinel lifted his hoof up only to punch his face.

Oh wait.

With his shades shattered into pieces, Normal Star foamed bubbles at the corners of his mouth, completely knocked out.

"I only wanted your free shades, idiot."