Despicable Moon

by Fresnor

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Crossover, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3783

Beware! The Unstoppable Farce approaches!

The unstoppable farce is moving on Canterlot. Tales were told of the evils done by Nightmare Moon, yet history had forgotten those perpetrated by the Minions of Nightmare Moon. Soon Celestia's worst nightmare shall rise again and the two things they want most, are two things that the Princess refuses to give up.

Trigger Warnings: Fart Gun, Senseless Mayhem, Sororicide, Happy Ending?

Published 2017-02-12 18:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-12 18:10:01 UTC

Only Chapter

It was a beautiful day in Canterlot. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and Princess Celestia had finished a day of court without hearing any of the usual complaints from the nobles causing her spirits to be high. Many would say that the day was beautiful because of her feelings for the day, yet that would soon change as her mail for the day was brought in. “Here's the daily correspondence for today, your highness. I've taken the opportunity to sort them by probable interest due to the sender.”

The white alicorn nodded to her assistant as she looked over the three different piles before her. “I think today I shall start with the smaller pile. It has been a good day today so I might as well finish it off with the letters from the foals before the monotonous reports. The nobles can wait until tomorrow morning.”

With a chuckle, her assistant dragged the medium-sized pile away as the princess reads through the smaller one. She returned once again as Celestia finished the pile, though she was confused as she carried another letter back in with her. “Your highness? I appear to have missed one, but I'm not sure who it is from. The only thing I can even understand on it is your name.”

Princess Celestia's eyebrow rose slightly as the sealed envelope was passed over to her. Looking over the front she found what her assistant meant as it appeared to be in another language. She slightly frowned as she opened it as she couldn't understand a word written, yet she felt as if she had seen it before. Inside was much the same but when she reached the end her eyes widened in horror. “Oh no, it's HIM! They're coming back! No! Not again! Please not again! Guards! GUARDS! Code YELLOW! CODE YELLOW!”

The assistant was shaken at seeing the princess panic so and rush out of the throne room as she reached for the letter shakily. She found that she could read little of the inside of the letter, yet what she could understand just confused her. “Who is this, Kevin?”

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“Members of the Royal Guard! Today is a day that I have feared for many years. Today the worst enemy Equestria has ever faced has declared that it is returning and you are the only hope that it has.” As Celestia gave a rousing speech to her guards, Twilight paced back in forth in front of her friends.

“I just don't get it. She calls us all the way out her for some threat, yet she refuses to tell us what is going on. Just what is it that is making her so terrified? I mean I've never seen her like this before, even when Tirek attacked she always seemed to be in control. Just who is this Kevin pony, anyways?” Twilight ruffled her wings as she paced while her friends looked at each other before turning back to her.

“Ah'm not sure, Twilight. But whatever it is must be dangerous if she has the entire day guard, us, and even the Wonderbolts here. Though ah have to wonder why she didn't want her sister or her guard ta know about it.” The others nodded with Applejack before Pinkie Pie bounced forward.

“Ooh! Maybe she wants us to prepare a surprise party for him! If even Twilight can't find anything about him then he must be a very very very very old friend of hers!” With a roll of her eyes Rainbow Dash slid the pink pony back where she was. For the next few minutes the group started tossing ideas back and forth until Fluttershy's ear perked up.

“Big Boss! Big Boss!”

“Um, girls?” The others either didn't hear Fluttershy or were ignoring her so she tried again as the sound got louder.

“Big Boss! Big Boss!”

“Girls?” While she was louder that time the others still didn't respond to her, causing her to start getting annoyed.

“Big Boss! Big Boss!”

“GIRLS!” Fluttershy blushed as she shouted out a little louder than she meant to, even though it did get the attention of her friends causing them to look at her in shock. “Um, sorry, but do you all hear that?”

The other mares paused to listen. At first they heard nothing but soon something rang out clearly over the city. “Big Boss! Big Boss!”

Princess Celestia's ears twitched as she also only now heard the words ringing out and her eyes widened. “Oh no! They're here! Guards! Prepare for-”

She broke off as a dark blue blur rushed past the front lines with a yellow blur riding atop it. “I can not believe that you are all here! My little ones have come back to me!”

Princess Celestia's jaw dropped as she saw her sister race past her with a small yellow creature riding atop her back. Wide-eyed she looked between her sister's form and the castle before her gaze focused on a gasping pegasus guard that raced up to her from the castle. “Your highness! Strange yellow creatures have been spotted in the castle!”

The princesses pupils shrank at the news before she reared up. “No! My desserts! Guards! PROTECT THE KITCHEN!”

The guards looked at each other in confusion for a moment as the princess raced for the castle before following after her. Twilight and her friends glanced at each other for a moment before looking in the directions the two princesses went. “So, what now?”

Twilight pondered Rainbow Dash's question for a moment before she shuddered as unwanted memories tried to resurface and made her decision. “I think we should follow Princess Luna. She definitely knows what is going on and I think these might be friends of hers.”

With a nod the group of mares followed after the princess of the night. Eventually they found where Luna had run off to and their confusion didn't abate at what they found. “Dave! Jerry! John! Oh, and even little Bob! How we have missed you all!”

With each name she hugged a different one of the yellow creatures that surrounded her. While a few of them had odd costumes, most of them appeared to be dressed in denim overalls and all of them had goggles. “Um, Princess Luna? What is going on? Who are these... creatures?”

Luna looked up to see Twilight and her friends standing nearby, causing her to blush at being found in such a tender moment. “Ah, yes. Princess Twilight and her friends. I suppose it should not be a surprise that you have not heard of the minions.”

“Minions? Isn't that something that an evil villain has working for them?” Applejack slapped the back of Rainbow Dash's head for the comment causing her to glare at her friend before wincing as she realize who she was talking to. Luna looked saddened from the words, yet she still had a small smile on her face.

“You are not wrong. In fact it was because of Nightmare Moon that I met them. The history books do not say much about the times, but the fight between my sister and us lasted for many months. At first I was mostly in control of myself with the Nightmare only making suggestions, but over time it took more and more control of our actions.” Seeing her getting sadder, the minion she had called Bob leaned against her leg and patted her affectionately, causing her to smile again.

“It was near the end of the war that we found these creature in a dark cavern in the northern reaches of Equestria. They were in a sad state yet when they saw us they pledged their loyalty to us and became the one bright point from that time. At first the Nightmare thought to make use of them, but she soon grew tired of their antics and left the dealing of them to me. At that time I had realized the mistake that I had made in trusting the Nightmare and used them to sabotage her in any way I could.” Looking around she noticed that the minions had started singing and dancing around her, causing her to smile fondly at their antics. The Bearers of the Elements were just more confused.

“Unfortunately, that usually involved them playing pranks on our sister instead of causing any real harm. She may still have some issues with my little children.” She started leading the group back towards the palace once the minions finished their dance. As they approached, they could hear the voice of Princess Celestia ringing out from within.

“No! Stop! Not the Banana Cakes!” *CRASH* “Wait! My one of a kind banana tower!” *FWOOM* “Not the banana stallion! Not the banana stallion!” *KRCHABOOM* Princess Luna winced as the sounds rang out from the vicinity of the royal kitchens.

“It seems that their appetite for bananas is still just as strong as ever and easily matches our sisters. And.... Is something wrong, young Twilight?” Glancing back at the others she noticed that the lavender alicorn had curled up around herself and was rocking in place. Leaning closer, her friends and the princess could hear her chanting.

“Bananas don't go there. Bananas don't go there. Bananas don't go there.” Her friends look confused at her words, though the older alicorn just facehoofs and shakes her head.

“Oh, Tia. You still haven't grown out of doing that? We thought that you would have learned after many cities banned the sale of bananas to you in public areas.” She would have continued, but a shout from the palace gates interrupted her.

“Quick! There are more of them out here!” In moments the area was was filled with stallions wearing the armor of the solar guard. Pulling out their spears they pointed them at the yellow creatures. “They have the princess! Get them!”

As the stallions advanced, the minions glanced at each other before looking at the minion, by the name of Stuart, that was riding on Luna's back while wearing a suit of armor. Pulling out a sword from somewhere on his person, he brandished it toward the guard and shouted out in his language to the others. With a cheer the minions pulled out weapons of all types before charging at the oncoming stallions.

As the area turned into little better than a drunken melee, Luna brought a hoof up the her face. Twilight, having finally recovered, and her friends watched as the minions battered ineffectually at the guards, and more often than not managed to hit more of themselves with their attacks and explosions. The guards weren't much better as they flailed at the yellow being, just for them to turn and run as they got close and some even cowered down causing the guards to trip over the minions and crash into their comrades.

“Princess? Just what are those weapons these minions of yours are using? I've never seen anything like them before.” Removing her hoof from her face, Luna sighed before shaking her head.

“That is something that even we know little about, young Twilight. When we found them they had many weapons that we assume they had gathered over the years. Many of the weapons were in disrepair, but they soon fixed what they could after they recovered.” She winced as an explosion rang out behind her, sending a group of minions flying. “It also helps that they are also immortal and their aim with them is horrible.”

Rarity looked over the creatures as they ran around, seemingly at random. Her gaze drifted over the outfits they were wearing before settling on a pair of them that were off to the side near a water fountain making belching sounds. “I'm surprised that you can even stand them with their awful attire and uncouth manners.”

A passing minion, wearing a wig and polka-dot dress, glared at the alabaster mare before pulling out an odd trumpet-shaped object and pointed it at her back. Hearing her friends shouts of warning, Rarity turned around to come face-to-face with the instrument of destruction just as it went off.

*BRRRRT* Suddenly the mare was surrounded by a green cloud that was emitted with the vulgar sound, causing the jaws of the mares to drop in shock. Moments later the cloud dispersed, leaving Rarity with a greenish-tinged coat, shrinking pupils, and a complete look of terror on her face. Ears twitched towards her as they were able to make out a sound coming from her. “Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

“Bwahahahahahaha! A fart gun! Oh Celestia that is so hilarious!” Pinkie Pie joined Rainbow Dash in her laughter as Fluttershy moved to try and help her friend. Applejack removed her hat and started to wave it around to blow away the lingering scent.

“Ugh, we can not believe that they still have that thing. Other than joke weapons that they have, they are usually more dangerous to themselves than others.” Unbeknownst to her, Stuart had been flailing around with his sword as he commanded the other minions. Suddenly he started to fumble it before it flew out of his hand skywards before it came down, point first, stabbing Princess Luna through the skull.

All activity stopped as all heads turned towards the impaled princess and the embarrassed looking minion. With a sigh, Luna lit up her horn and removed the sword from her head before flexing her jaw and glaring at the minion on her back. “Stuart? Your riding privileges are revoked.”

“Aww, poop.” Twilight and her friends were shocked to see that their wasn't even a mark left after she removed the offending implement and Rainbow Dash went so far as to poke it, receiving a swat from the lunar princess' wing in return. Turning back to them the princess sighed as she patted the disheartened minion on the head.

“As I was saying, they are mostly a danger to themselves, though they have a bad habit of killing off their masters it seems. I can't begin to count how many times that they accidentally struck us, though it takes much more than that to kill an alicorn for the second time, the first being on ascension. Of course, that hasn't stopped them from causing problems.” Her eyes dim for a moment as she thinks back to the past when she was possessed by the nightmare.

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“Get back here with that! What were you foals even thinking! Hey! Put me down, right now!” Nightmare Moon flailed as Bob picked up her diminutive form and hugged her tight from behind. Sitting down he gave her a little kiss on her head before watching Norbert and Lance play a game of tennis. None of them failed to realize just how much the ball looked like the missing moon in the sky, or the shrink ray that lay in the corner.

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“Wait? Die!? Princess, what do you mean by that? I don't remember anything like that happening before I got these wings!” Luna shook her head and recovered from her memories before looking down at the panicked purple pony.

“Didn't you Twilight? Did the Elements of Harmony not cause a magical discharge before erasing you from this plane?” Twilight turned to look at her friends who fidgeted wordlessly as they remembered the scorch mark that was left behind. Seeing her friends not denying anything her panic only grew until Luna wrapped her wing over her body and drew her to her side.

“Worry not, for every alicorn goes through death as their original body can not hope to contain the power granted to them. Unlike our own, you at least were surrounded by your friends instead of those that wished to harm you. Of course, if the Elements weren't there, then Starswirl's spell would have had no effect. The spell requires a powerful source of magic to allow a pony to ascend, and with the Elements returned to the Tree of Harmony there are few enough in the world.” Twilight's breathing steadily slowed until she regained control of herself.

“So Princess Celestia went through this too? And Cadance? But what do you mean by a second death?” Luna frowns for a moment as unpleasant feeling rise within her before she shoves them back down and explains with a sigh.

“It is not something we like talking about, as immortality is depressing if you think on it too heavily. Not all immortals ascend the same way as alicorns, but all of them die in the same manner. Either a weapon of considerable power must be found, of which few are left, or you must erase whatever power they are tied to. Being tied to not only the moon, but the night itself means that the second method shall not happen until the very end of days.” Twilight was unsure what she meant at first, until her eyes widened as she realized that no matter what, there would always be a night somewhere until the very end of the universe. Taking a deep breath, Twilight brought a hoof to her chest and exhaled as she extended it before looking around. Settling her sights on the minions, she frowned as something occurred to her.

“Wait, so does that mean that the minions are immortal as well? Is that why the guards can't seem to harm them?” Looking over at the yellow creatures, Luna watched for a moment as one minion was punched from one guard to another, all while giggling madly while another minion was sitting on a stallions face doing unspeakable things.

“It is quite likely as they recovered quickly from their weakness as they pledged themselves to us. Their name is what they are, minions through and through. Even so, they are relatively harmless without outside assistance.” As she says this, a cry rings out that strikes fear into the heart of all ponies that have been in the town of Ponyville.

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MINIONS, YAY!” From out of the castle a swarm of rockets erupted through a window and flew towards the princesses and their companions. Before any of them could think to stop the attack, the barrage bombarded the area holding the five friends of Twilight, creating an explosion of fire. Twilight stood there blinking in shock, not believing what she was seeing while Luna just rubbed a hoof at her horn as a tingling sensation went through it.

“Aww, nothing. Come on girls, maybe we should try for a waterfall diving cutie mark this time.” Looking over towards the open window, Luna saw a familiar trio pass by it with one of her minions hanging out of it.

“I see you there Norbert! No deserts for three months for letting those fillies have those weapons!” The minion's jaw dropped in shock before he passed out, falling from the window. With a sigh the princess shook her head before her thoughts were interrupted.

“AAAAHHHHHHH!” Twilight's cry of anguish shocked the lunar princess, before she remembered that the mare was too new to know what the feeling meant. Lighting up her horn she sent a burst of energy through the aetheric plane to Cadance, before turning the lavender pony towards her and slapping her with her wing.

“Snap out of it Twilight! Everything is going to be fine!” Twilight's screaming stopped before she turned to glare at Luna.

“Everything is going to be fine? Everything is going to be fine!? I JUST WATHCED MY FRIENDS DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME YOU HEARTLESS NAG!” Luna winced at Twilight's reaction, but she held her ground.

“Do you not remember what I said earlier? Do you really think that you were the only one affected by Starswirl's spell? While the power was directed towards you, you were not the only one that was linked to their Element that day.” Twilight snorted angrily at the princess before her eyes slowly widened in realization at what she was being told.

“Ww-wait! You don't mean-?” Luna nods to her friend before turning towards the crater.

“Yes. We already let Princess Cadance know the situation and she should be dealing with the other side of things now. She should be... Ahh, that must be them now.” Pointing a wing upwards, Luna directed Twilight to five shapes that were steadily floating towards the ground. She was about to say something else when a crunching sound reached her ears and she turned to see somepony she didn't expect. “Pinkie Pie? Shouldn't you still be up there with the others?”

“Of course not, silly. How would I be able to watch the show from up there?” On hearing her voice, Twilight's head whipped around to see her friend Pinkie Pie, now an alicorn, sitting in a lawn chair munching on a bucket of popcorn. With a cry of relief she launched herself at her friend and wrapped her up in a hug.

“Pinkie! You're still okay!” Pinkie Pie returned the hug as she watched the cutie marks of their friends slowly drift to the ground. As they reached the ground a flash of light drew Twilight's attention away from Pinkie to the landing point. As the light cleared, the figures of Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie all appeared from the light, before their wings spread wide. Twilight looked back towards the figure she was grasping just to find that Pinkie had somehow replaced herself with a cardboard cutout. Shaking her head she ignored what had just happened before throwing herself at her friends.

“Girls! I can't believe it! You're not hurt!” They would all beg to differ as Twilight tried to squeeze the life out of them before Applejack managed to croak something out.

“Uh, not that we don't appreciate the affection, Twi. But just what in tarnation is going on here?” Twilight didn't respond verbally, and instead reached out with her magic to poke at the fresh alicorn's wing. Feeling the strange sensation, Applejack turned to see her wing causing her to freeze in shock. The others, noticing her silence, turned to look at her before rapidly looking over their own bodies and began barraging Twilight with questions. Shaking her head, Princess Luna looked back towards the palace where her sister could still be heard shouting.

“No! Not my antique banana wine vessels!”

“Tia is going to have a fit over this. Well, we might as well go and find Kevin, he should be leading the minions in the castle.” As the princess walked towards the castle, the six alicorns came together in another group hug as the minions and royal guard continued their pointless battle.

Author's Note

I regret nothing. :pinkiecrazy: