That's a Mouthful

by realmjumper

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna
Length: 2509

Celestia decides it's time to help her sister modernize her way of speaking.

Celestia has much on her plate. Foreign Diplomats to please, a Nation to run, and little ponies to keep happy and safe. It would help if she could rely on her sister, however Luna's archaic speaking keeps her from holding court as almost no one can understand a word she says.

It's high time Celestia did something about that.

(Commissioned piece for Dusty_Books)

Published 2017-02-13 01:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-13 01:30:01 UTC

For Realzies?

Celestial stared out the window behind the Chancellor of Prance, utterly ignoring what the old toad was saying. Celestia usually set apart a few hours each morning to speak to the different diplomats of foreign nations to insure not only peace for Equestria, but her allies as well. The idea was easier thought of than acted upon. And so, The most powerful being in the world, with the exception of Tirek, was sitting patiently, listening to the endless drone as the doddering old fool monologued about the importance of the ‘Metric System’ that the rest of the world was using, while demanding under the veil of ‘modernizing’ that Equestria turn to such a system because he kept forgetting how many inches a foot was.

Foot. That was quite an interesting word, the sun princess thought as the Chancellor got to the peek of his point, which wasn’t saying much. Where did this ‘foot’ come from? Twilight had visited the human world, and they had feet. Did a human exist in Equestria millennia before Celiestia and her sister did? That would explain a few quirks in the logic of the system. For example, twelve inches equaling one foot. How did that happen? Or how one mile was five thousand, two hundred, and eighty feet. Seriously, the reasoning behind it made her think that some sort of troll was behind it all. No wonder why the creator of such a system remains anomalous.

“For the last time.” Celestia interrupted the Prance stallion. “Equestria is doing just fine with the standard system.” She sighed when the Prance Chancellor didn’t appear to be convinced. “Do you realize how much would have to change if we were do change the Measurement System? Everything line of text from mile signs to cook books would have to be altered. We just don’t have the kind of money for that, and if my little ponies can function just fine without having to worry about switching over, then I see no reason to push the change.”

The stallion puckered his lips as he thought about it. “An’ what would ze idea of an integrated system sound?”

After hearing the same proposal from the same stallion for weeks on end, Celestia felt a little part in her snap. She like the stallion, and he was quite funny from time to time, but he’d been pressing her patience. Time to put this insufferable windbag in his place.

“That sound perfect!” She smiled, clapping her hooves together. “But we simple don’t have the money.” She made an overly dramatic frown as she put a hoof to her cheek in thought. “Oh! I know! Why don’t you go ahead and pay for it!” The Prance Stallion blinked. “Oh, and we also need a wall at our boarder of the Badlands, as the Changelings keep coming and taking low income jobs and breaking laws. I’d make them pay for it, but considering that their Queen doesn’t like me, that leaves you, since you’re offering.”

The Chancellor got the hint, casting his eyes down. “Beg pardon.” He mumbled. “We only wish to get along.”

‘Oh great,’ Celestia fought to roll her eyes. ‘I’ve offended him. Again.’ “Champagne, you know as well as I do that you keep bringing the same proposal over and over again.”

The Chancellor looked up suddenly hearing his first name. The meeting just became informal. “Why, you do know my difficulty with numbers.” He admitted sheepishly. “Ze confounding zings just swirl and whirl in my head like water colors on wet paper.”

Celestia laughed. “Yes. Yes they do. I think that’s because we’re normal ponies.”

“Says ze alicorn in ze room.” Champagne replied slyly.

Before Celestia could roll her eyes and reply, quite enjoying the change of pace in the ‘discussion’, the door burst open and Luna strode forward, eyes bright about something.

“Dearest sister, doth I hear the acknowledgment that there was but one alicorn in thine room upon the time of the utterance of the statement there of?” Before either Celestia or Champagne could reply, Luna stamped a hoof, striking a mighty pose. “For sooth! Such a statement of finality is but a shame of reality, for beholdest thou and thine companion that it is a vain and false sentence! I am in the house!”

Silence.

“I am in the house!” Luna repeated herself, still in the awe inspiring pose.

A full minute of speechless quiet reigned in the small conference room. Champagne looked from Celestia to Luna, back to Celestia, thoroughly confused at what was going on.

“T’is a joke.” Luna said, her triumphant smile waning slightly. “For my presence did but debunk the previously uttered statement of yonder Chancellor.”

“Um...” Champagne looked to Celestia. “What did she say?”

Celestia face hoofed. “Champagne? Do you think we could continue this tomorrow?”

Champagne nodded. “As you wish.” And trotted out of the room, not before giving the Princess of the Night one last look of utter confusion before leaving.

“Is there something the matter with that stallion?” Luna asked, cocking her head to the side. “For we thinks that the quire thing misheard what we bespoke yet a moment ago, and therefore understood not what the joke which was jest with the term of ‘I am in the house.’ We thought that such a statement was modern, and thus fit the expectations of humor for one as young and spry as he.”

“First of all.” Celestia sighed in frustration. “That wasn’t a funny joke. Humor has evolved much since that was last funny. Second,” Celestia looked her sister full in the face, eye weary. “You speak in old Equestrian. That hasn’t been used for over a thousand years.”

Luna blinked. “Art thou for realzies about this?”

The integration of modern slang and archaic speech grated upon the Sun Princess. The unholy matrimony of such an abomination of the spoken word had been rubbing her ears raw since the day her dear sister returned. On a few strands of dignity remained as she tried to be patient with her sister.

“Luna, please stop butchering the Equestrian Language.”

“What doth thou meanest by such implication of butchery?” Luna asked, clearly confused at the idea that she could butcher anything that had neither physical form or visual substance. “We just thought that trying to integrate humor into the everyday life of the castle would show unto all that we art but normal, and approachable while giving our servants a moment to bust a nut laughing.”

Celestia blinked. She blinked again. Upon the third blink she turned to the near by wall and started knocking her head against it in a slow, measured rhythm. Her horn chipped away at the cobblestone of the castle wall as she did so.

Very confused at what was going on, the younger alicorn opened her mouth to speak, but was stopped when her older sister held up a shoe’d hoof to keep her from speaking. After a moment of beating her head against the wall, Celestia took a deep breath and turned to her sister.

“Luna. It’s time for you to modernize.” Celestia walked to the door, magicking it open. “Guard?”

“Yes your Highness.” A stout brown stallion snapped to attention.

“Find Cogsworth. I’m canceling all appointments for the day. Blueblood will handle day court.”

The guard saluted, but hesitated before trotting off to fulfill his orders. “Uh, Permission to speak?”

Celestia wasn’t in the mood. “What is it Stonewall?”

“I remember the last time you had Blueblood handle court.” He stayed at attention, though his eyes looked a bit nervous as he spoke. It wasn’t his place to advice a goddess, but she clearly wasn’t thinking straight. Well, too late to shut his trap now. “It you nearly a full week to undue the damage. Wouldn’t it be better to ask Twilight to cover for you instead?”

“Is she here?” Celstia asked in shock. “I didn’t know she was.”

“Arrived a few hours ago. I believed that she was visiting a friends establishment and thought to drop by for the day.”

Perfect. “Go ahead and ask her on my behalf.” Celestia nodded. “Me and my sister will be out of the Castle for the day.”

Stonewall nodded. “As you command.”

Celestia let herself give a small smile. The easy part was done. Looking over her shoulder, she could see her sister playing tick-tack-toe on the table, using her magic for the X’s and O’s. Now, the hard part.

To the average citizen of Equestria Princess Celestia and Princess Luna would stick out of a crowed like a Pinkie Pie at a funeral. However, that’s not to say that either Princess couldn’t blend in when they wanted to. A simple magic limiter, temporary cutie mark tattoos, a quick color swap spell, and a jacket to hid their wings made them seem like a couple of Cirollo’s visiting from Paster Fino, a contentment south of Equestria. In deed, the Cirollo ponies were known to be very large in stature.

So, a few hours after a few choice orders, Celestia sat sipping her cider as Esti, while her sister munched on some hay fries, sporting the name of Una. One thousand years ago, the little ponies of Equestria never caught the deception. The same held true in the present.

“Esti,” Luna began, toying around with a fry. “Not that it doesn’t please me that thou are’t taking a firm role in the advancement of mine education in the linguistic knowledge out of the kindness of thine heart, to render me both approachable, as well as understandable to all who doth heareth my words of which I speak, but what is it exactly that thou desirest to achieve by partaking in such peasantry accommodations of edible treateries?” Celestia just raised an eyebrow. “Not that I’m presuming to dismiss anything that can promote a more well received reception of my own being to my own subjects, but I understandest not of what hay burgers and hay fries are to do to further mine course in this thing.”

“Nothing.” Celestia admitted with a shrug. “Una, this is for me, because training you is going to require a lot more than patience.”

Luna thought about that for a moment. “Are I that bad?”

“That was the first sentence you’ve said that actually sounds normal.” Celestia sighed. “You’re problem is that you’re still thinking like we’re in the old kingdom.” She gave a barking laugh. “In fact, that style of speech was going out of style half a millennia before you were banished.”

Luna winced. “Perhaps it would be prudent for thou not to recall such history of agony, as it has only been yet a few years since mine release of such a prison of embellished memories that do besiege mine mind in such a way that even nightmares to fill me that of comfort.”

“And we’re back to the poetic speech of yonder millennia.” Celestia sighed. “If Shakespeare were still alive, I’d throttle him.”

“How doth thou pounderest that we should pursue the activity of correcting mine out of date speech?” Luna asked after a moment of silence.

Before Celestia could answer, a group of earth stallions walked into the small burger shop they were in. There were three in total. Two stood by the door while the third walked up to the ordering counter. All were decked out with charcoal colored vests with matching fedoras.

“Welcome to Three Fillies,” The mare behind the register smiled. “What can I get for you?”

“ ‘ey there sweets,” The stallion was slim, but that wasn’t to say he didn’t have some muscle. “Can I get a number two, a number four, and,” He turned to the two at the door. “ ‘ey! Philly, was it a number eight?” He turned back to the cashier mare. “A number eight.”

“A number two, number four and-” She was cut off as the stallion reach forward and grabbed her by the collar of her work shirt.

“You tryin’ to be smart with me filly?” He breathed in her face. “I ain’t here for the food. Tell Em’ it’s time to pay her dues.”

Celestia’s eyed the confrontation with a sigh. “I really wish that the ponies around here didn’t resort to violence.”

“Agreed.” Luna nodded. “But, it’s a matter of the peasantry. Yet, I see’st no reason why thou and I cannot intervene. What thinkest though my sister?”

Celstia rolled her eyes. “I never get a day off, do I?”

The stallion who was now yelling at the cashier pony felt a tap on his shoulder. Looking over said shoulder revealed two Cirollo mares. The one on the right was a large dark blue unicorn next to a smaller white one, both of which were still a few sizes bigger than him. He sneered. “Wha? Do I look like a waiter? Sit down and get out of my face!”

“Beg pardon,” The smaller white unicorn said. “But me thinks that though hath utterly, and unabashfully, terrified the mare that though has’t held against her will. Wilt thou keep thine loathsome hooves to thineself, else my sister and I must wage mighty battle upon thee to incapacitate, and perchance decapitate, thee for such insolence of racketeering.”

The stallion blinked. “ ‘ey, Philly! What this tramp say to me?”

Philly shook his head. “Don’t know boss. I think she was quoting Shakespeare boss.”

“Shakespeare?” The ‘boss’ turned back to Luna. “You quoten’ Shakespeare?”

The dark blue mare raised a hoof to her forehead. “Why? Why me?”

“No.” Luna growled. “Why is it that every bucking pony thinks that I’m quoting that hack?!”

Both Celestia and the ‘boss’ stared at Luna.

“Really?! What in the name of Faust’s tail and mane did that skimpy little gelding do? Write a little Early Equestrian plays that received modest popularity, and now everyone reveres him as the poet of the nation?” She grabbed the shocked racketeer by the vest. “So, since you can’t understand a simple question and request I’ll put it this way.” Her eyes narrowed. “Let her go, or I will kick your plot to the moon.”

The stallion about wet himself, and nodded. Once Luna let him go, he scrambled out of the burger joint, with his cronies in tow.

Luna, heaving a heavy breath turned to the cashier pony, who just managed not to faint. “Could I get a number four, and a number nine?”

The shaky cashier pony punched in the order. “W-will that be all?”

“Hey sis, you want anything?

Celestia stared at her sister. “Wait,” She sat back and used her fore hooves to massage her temples. “Wait, wait, wait. You can speak modern Equestrian?” A vein in her temple throbbed. “You were trolling me?!”

Luna winked at her. “Forsooth, what meanest thou my dearest sister? Modern Equestrian? Perish the thought that I should demote myself so low to spe-” A blast of pure heat shot past Luna, blowing a hole in the wall next to her. “Could you Super Size that?”