A Princess's Guide to Hearts and Hooves

by Ponygon

Rating: teen
Tags: Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Sex
Length: 2164

As a newly naturalised Equestrian subject, you get occasional letters from the Princesses of Harmony about pony customs. You just didn't expect to get one from Applejack, about Hearts and Hooves. And why is it telling you to remain calm?

As a newly naturalised Equestrian subject, you get occasional letters from the Princesses of Harmony about pony customs. You just didn't expect to get one from Applejack, about Hearts and Hooves. And why is it telling you to remain calm?

Inspired by the Welcome to Night Vale Valentine episode.

Published 2017-02-13 20:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-13 20:40:01 UTC

Hearts and Hooves

Howdy, New Loyal Subject!

This is Applejack, Alicorn Princess of Honesty, and I’d like to welcome you to the United Pony’s Democratic Kingdom of Equestria. Not that Princess Pinkie’s Ministry of Laughter hasn’t welcomed you already. Hay, her Party Ponies might be throwing a Welcome New Loyal Subject Party around you right this minute, and that’s great. But if any of them try to get you to stop reading this, tell them it’s an Official Letter from the Ministry of Honesty. They’ll probably insist you dance whilst reading this. I wouldn’t argue against them if I were you, but try to be sat down whilst reading this letter. The Ministry of Laughter knows quite a few dances you can do sitting down.

The rest of you, sit down and take a load off. No, seriously, I want all of you to be sitting down for this.

Now, rightly, Princess Twilight should be writing you, but she forgot. We all blame Princess Rarity. She just wouldn’t shut up about Hearts and Hooves Day, so we kind of tuned her out. Next thing we know it, it’s two days before Hearts and Hooves, and Twilight's tearing her mane out trying to write this letter to you. I told her she had a snowball's chance in Tartarus in writing a two-hundred-page essay, getting you to read it, ask you to complete a mandatory comprehension test—which you had to pass or else be sent to Magic Kindergarten—grade the danged thing, and what have you. She wouldn't have none of it, but we talked her out of it in the end. Sure, I had to hogtie her six ways to Sunday, but what's done is done.

So, here you are, reading a letter about Hearts and Hooves Day written by yours truly, Applejack, the most down to earth pony amongst all the Princesses of Harmony.

I know what you’re thinking. Applejack, how are you a common pony? Aren’t you an alicorn princess, and—like all alicorns—crazier than a bobcat on zap apples?

I like your style; you’re honest. But I’ll have you know I still do a full day’s hard work. When I’m not hard at work seeing to it that the ponies of this fine land get the honest, Royally-sanctioned Truth like they deserve, I’m on the family farm, helping my brother and sister harvest the apples. It’s tough work, back breaking work. At the end of the day, I’m sore all over, glistening with sweat, chest heaving, and aching for a long hot shower to wash away all my aches and pains away, the water dribbling across my firm calf muscles, and pert butt cheeks.

Okay, you sitting comfortably now, or dancing whilst sat down?

Good.

The first thing I want you to remember is to keep your head on your shoulders. Don’t panic. Remain calm. It ain’t going to help anypony none for you to rush around like your head’s been cut off. We know, because that’s exactly what happened when one of Princess Twilight’s spells removed everypony’s head a few years back. Was mighty difficult for Twilight to cast the counter spell, seeing as she’d also had her head removed. But we learnt our lesson, and besides, that book’s covered in blood, so nopony can read it again. Alicorn blood stains just as badly as regular pony blood; we know because Rarity wouldn’t let us hear the end of it for three months straight. That’s three months without hesitation, repetition, or deviation… or bathroom breaks, or sleep. She’s as generous with her words, as with everything else.

Now I know you all come from a whole bushel of different places. Some of you are griffons, others zebra, and still others humans. I’m not going to presume anything.

One thing to keep in mind is that its tradition to give flowers or chocolates, but not both. Remember that we ponies eat flowers. You don’t want your loved ones getting fatter than a hog on Hearth’s Warming Eve, do you?

And yes, I said ponies. You might think, as a human that’s been transformed into a pony form by a magical mirror, you won’t ever fall in love with a pony. Well, going into heat is going to change all that. This Hearts and Hooves Day, you won’t be able to get enough of pony. You will eat, sleep, breathe pony—innuendo intended. No one is exempt, not after Apple Bloom accidentally released that love gas into the atmosphere a few years back. Twilight reckons it’ll take a few hundred years before it flushes out of our systems; until then, a mare in heat will always give off the scent of love potion.

Point is, keep it to a simple flower bouquet or a box of chocolates. And whatever you do, don’t pick wildflowers from the Everfree Forest. Remember: roses are red, Poison Joke is blue, buy from a florist, or it’s the end of you. If you must insist on picking wildflowers, give them a good wash first. Princess Fluttershy may insist otherwise, but we all know her bears do not shit in her outhouse.

A popular Hearts and Hooves Day activity is to cower in fear inside your Fun Cave, or as non-Equestrians seem to call them, Doomsday Bunkers. If you haven’t asked your neighbours to share theirs, or built one yourself, you can always call on the ponies from the Ministry of Generosity to give you a helping hoof. They’ll be as happy as clams to build one for you, free of charge. To call them, just say out loud, “I’d sure like the Ministry of Generosity’s help with constructing a Fun Cave.” Wherever you are, a pony from the Loyalty Police will hear you, and pass the message on lickety-split. Remember: the Loyalty Police are always watching and listening, so be as interesting as possible; it can get mighty boring watching you all day.

Don’t forget to stock your Fun Cave with all the makings of a romantic meal. You’ll need bread, tinned apples, emergency flour rations, pasteurised apple fluids, dried egg, dried apples, smoked hay (otherwise known as hay bacon), dried vegetables, salt lick, powdered apples, and apple wine. If you don’t have any apple wine, hard cider (or as most people call it, cider) is also fine. Make sure you have enough food and drink for two days, and remember to keep your gas masks near you at all times.

Now this year, Rarity and I have locked our little sisters in the Ministry of Kindness’s most secure prison. You don’t have to worry about them playing Cupid with Twilight’s Want-It-Need-It Spell. We all know how that ended. On a happier note, we reckon reconstruction work on Haymarket should be finished next week. Lower Ponyville is still radioactive though, and we reckon you shouldn’t go anywhere near it for the next five thousand years.

Which reminds me, you’ll know when Hearts and Hooves Day starts from the wailing of the flower girls. There’s flower girls all over Equestria. True, they all scream at the slightest thing, but you’ll recognise the Hearts and Hooves one from the following pattern: it will start off with a short burst, followed by three seconds of screaming that rises and falls in tones, it will mostly be of the words, ‘glitter’, ‘heart’, ‘hardback’, ‘broad’, ‘cassette’ and ‘safe word’. When you hear this scream, drop everything you’re doing, and mosey on down to your nearest Fun Cave. Except, don’t mosey. Run. Run like your life depends on it, because it will.

Do not talk to anypony you see. Run for your life. Twilight says you should leave the foals and weak behind. Now, I don’t rightly agree with that, not even those days when Apple Bloom has been a pain in the rear, and gosh darn it, you just want to send her to the Moon for a thousand years! But Twilight’s advice is official; we have to obey it. So, if you see a pony, it could be a changeling in disguise. Run. Save yourself!

That reminds me, if you see Rarity on your way back to your Fun Cave, avoid her too. I don’t care if you think she’s best pony; you stay well clear of her, you hear? She won’t care if you got a marefriend or coltfriend, if you’re alive or dead. Rarity won’t listen to reason, and—like all alicorn princesses—she’s three bricks shy of a load. You see her, you run like a cow at the head of a stampede! Don’t look back. Never look back. You’ll only be safe in your Fun Cave, with the doors and windows barricaded.

If you’ve got foals, make sure you have blindfolds and sturdy earplugs. Some Fun Caves are separated into rooms. It’s best if you put them in a separate one, and lock them inside for their own safety. If your Fun Cave is just one room, use those blindfolds and earplugs. Don’t forget, if your Hearts and Hooves Day partner is a mare, she’ll reek of pure love potion. You will be doing the nasty, even if you don’t want to, so make sure any foals can’t see.

And if you wish to remain sane, your love making has got to be rough and noisy. You want to be loud enough to drown out the terrified screams from outside, because no Fun Cave will block out those sounds. If you’re doing it right, any nearby furniture should be reduced to toothpicks, and when Hearts and Hooves Day is over, you’ll be glad to be alive, and sane. Trust me on this, I’m the Princess of Honesty, and I've bucked my fair share—pun intended.

Speaking of trust, if you’re both guys, then I’d like to say that Twilight was lying to you when she said you had be gay for each other. It is not law for males to have sexy fun times with one another. You do not have to position yourselves so the Loyalty Police can see, and record, every juicy detail. I mean, most of the Loyalty Police are straight; they’re not into that sort of thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not against stallions who are into other stallions, or mares who are into other mares, but the law is clear on this. If you’re going to be in a long term relationship, one of you has to get pregnant. No excuses. I’ve seen that documentary; if Arnold Schwarzenegger can give birth to a healthy baby, then so can you! Remember, it’s for the good of Equestria!

Also, if any of you are dating [REDACTED], please don’t encourage her kinks. The Loyalty Police do not want to spend their Hearts and Hooves Day watching you indulge her fetishes. Hay, I’m crazy, and even I don’t want to see that stuff. Try to steer her towards more tasteful things, like a coke-fuelled orgy.

Now, Applejack, I hear you say, what if a changeling gets into my Fun Cave?

Well, it’s too late for you. Changelings can take any form they wish: your loved one, your foals, that table, the chair you’re sitting on, or a gentle autumn breeze. It’s spring now, so I’m guessing if you see an autumn breeze, it’s a changeling. Kill it. Kill it with fire. Now that I think about it, the safest thing would be to kill everything with fire. Even yourself. You might be a changeling without knowing it. How would you know? I, as sure as the sun shines, wouldn’t. Remember that the best way for you to avoid being attacked by changelings, or being a changeling, is to be dead yourself.

When Hearts and Hooves is over, and you emerge from your Fun Cave into a wasteland of collapsed buildings and candy hearts, be careful. Stay away from any Hearts and Hooves cards; you don’t know if they’re still active or not. Leave the disposal to trained experts.

The day after, we will hold a memorial service for all those unlucky enough to have be chosen as Hearts and Hooves partners. They may be dead, gussied up in paper hearts and glitter, a look of pure joy and terror, joyror, plastered on their faces like bird guano, but they will live on in a changeling’s heart. We’ll need to hunt down the changeling hive, and burn it, like we do every year. Bring whatever weapon you have.

This Hearts and Hooves Day, like all Hearts and Hooves Days, will pass into painful memory. It will not bring us down. We will survive.

So, keep these little points in mind, and remember to enjoy, and be fearful, of this year’s romantic, terrifying, gruesome Hearts and Hooves Day.

From the Office of Her Highness of Harmony, Princess and Minister of Honesty, Duchess of Oldenburg, Purveyor of Mandatory Apples, She who drives ponies mad by drawing away the Veil of Reality and granting ponies the gift of the Knowledge of Good and Evil,

Applejack