Granny Smith's Dirty Old Mind

by AJtheRaven

Rating: teen
Tags: Granny Smith, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Big Macintosh, Random, Slice of Life
Length: 4062

In which Applebloom's innocence is shattered by Granny Smith's idea of entertainment, and Applejack is forced to have a conversation that she'd really rather not have.

A simple, Apple family pancake breakfast is ruined when Applebloom goes upstairs to fetch Granny Smith's glasses and discovers something else instead. Something very, very inappropriate for a little filly. (And, apparently, Big Mac too. He can't even look at it without fainting). A very embarrassed Applejack has to come and explain to her what it means, and the situation goes from bad to worse when Granny Smith - completely accidentally - turns the tables on Applejack.
In short, everypony loses some of their innocence except Granny Smith.

Published 2017-02-14 23:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-14 23:50:01 UTC

Old Grannies Are Less Innocent than You Think

Author's Note

Part three of my Valentine's Day posts. I hope you enjoy it! If you downvote, please leave a reason why in the comments. And I'm going to shamelessly self-promote the other two stories I posted today. Go check them out and tell me what you think. The first one I posted is actually romantic, unlike the last two.

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/364283/all-i-wanted

Old Grannies Are Less Innocent than You Think

Thump.

"Aaaah!" Applebloom's eyes flew open at once, and she discovered that her muzzle was smushed against the cold, hard wood of her bedroom floor. Wincing, she scrabbled clumsily to her hooves, prodding gingerly at her sore nose. She must have involuntarily rolled out of bed in her sleep.

The little filly rubbed her amber eyes, erasing all vestiges of drowsiness, and glanced out of her bedroom window. Stars were still spattered across the night sky, but a shimmery curtain of dawn was just beginning to obscure the dusty blackness, and the tips of Celestia's sun could be seen poking sleepily above the horizon.

Applebloom's lips curled in a smile. For once, she'd woken up without having to be shaken out of bed by Applejack. Score!!!

After hastily running a comb through her strawberry mane so that her sister didn't yell at her when she went down for breakfast, Applebloom threw open her bedroom door and skittered down the stairs, her hooves fighting for purchase on the well-worn but slippery floor. The homey, mouthwatering smells of melting butter and thick, warm pancake batter assailed her nostrils as she trotted into the kitchen. "Mornin', y'all," she announced brightly.

Big Mac and Granny Smith were already seated with simple earthware plates in front of them, waiting patiently for their meal. Big Mac's eyes crinkled as he smiled at his baby sister, his chair creaking beneath his bulky frame. "Mornin'," he answered simply.

Granny Smith, sitting next to him, shot Applebloom a toothy grin. "Why, hello there, little Apple...eh... broom," she finished. "Come'n say hello t' yer old Granny!"

Patiently ignoring the addition of a cleaning implement to her name - Granny would stubbornly refuse to listen to anypony who corrected her, anyway - Applebloom wrapped her Granny in a quick hug and then ambled into the kitchen. Applejack was standing at the stove wearing her trademark Stetson and a once-white apron embroidered with little apples, her flaxen tail curled around her hindquarters, humming raggedly under her breath as her forehooves expertly engaged in some activity on the griddle. Applebloom peered over her big sister's shoulder and, to her delight, discovered that Applejack was making her famous apple-cinnamon pancakes.

Sensing somepony else's presence, Applejack glanced behind her, her muzzle creasing in a smile and her soulful grass-green eyes lighting up. "Why, Applebloom! Yore up so early!"

"Yep." Applebloom proudly puffed out her chest. "Ah thought Ah'd do ya a favor an' wake up on mah own this mornin'!" This was, in fact, the opposite of the truth, but the Element of Honesty certainly didn't need to know that.

Applejack didn't seem to pick up on the untruth (perhaps her lie detector didn't work on tiny white lies). "Well, that's mighty kind o' ya." Carefully setting down her spatula, Applejack turned around and swept her sister into a firm hug, the curly ends of her golden blonde mane tickling Applebloom's cheeks. "Go an' sit down at th' table, 'Bloom. Ah'm fixin' t' bring over yore pancakes soon. An' maybe you'll even git an extra fer wakin' up so early!" She tousled Applebloom's mane, pausing to adjust her pink bow with her lips pursed in concentration.

"Could Ah maybe wear yore hat fer the day instead?" Applebloom asked hopefully. She'd been begging Applejack to let her wear her Stetson for years.

"Absolutely not," Applejack snorted, returning to her stovetop duties. "Why, th' day Ah let ya wear mah hat is th' day Ah discover that Ah got a long-lost twin." The thought seemed to amuse her, and she huffed a low chuckle as she deftly flipped a pancake in the air, caught it in her mouth, and ate it, her tail flicking back and forth behind her.

Pouting (and resolving to ask Pinkie Pie if she still had that old Applejack bodysuit), Applebloom grabbed a plate, slipped into her usual seat at the table, and rested her chin on top of her front hooves, her eyes riveted on Applejack as she waited eagerly for her breakfast. There was something fascinating about watching her sister at work; perhaps it was the way she threw herself wholeheartedly into any chore with a a willing smile. Or perhaps it was the way her strong hooves looked so capable of performing any task.

Applejack expertly poured a dozen globs of batter onto the griddle at once and used her spatula to prod them into shape. Then, as they began to bubble and hiss, she flipped them into the air in quick succession, her hooves little more than orange blurs of motion. Finally, as the tips of the flapjacks crisped to a golden brown, she masterfully flipped them from the griddle all the way across the room, somehow making sure that a stack of four pancakes landed neatly in front of each of her family members. "Breakfast is served!" she called with a broad smile. "Dig in, y'all! More's a-comin'!"

The Apples whooped with glee, even Big Mac, and happily did as she asked. Their hooves collided as they all reached for the butter plate and the syrup bottle in the center of the table at the same time. Grunting from the discomfort of having her hoof squished between Granny's bony one and Big Mac's huge one, Applebloom finally managed to withdraw a pat of butter. By the time she'd spread it over her pancakes, Big Mac had already eaten all four of his in one enormous bite. But Applejack was undeterred: a stack of eight flapjacks that she had made at lightning speed in the past few seconds sailed through the air and landed in the middle of his plate. He whinnied eagerly and bent his head down, his carrot-orange mane flopping over his eyes as he snorted and snuffled at his pancakes, entirely forgetting his table manners.

Well, Granny Smith was no better. She was using her walking stick as a toothpick.

Applebloom stared down at her stack of thick, fluffy pancakes, unable to prevent herself from licking her lips and drooling slightly. Her big sis was known throughout Ponyville for her pancakes. Although Applejack didn't make them very often, nopony else could make them like she could. Privately, Applebloom thought that her big sister was an even better cook than Pinkie Pie. A blanket of rich, gooey syrup cascaded over the toasty brown surface of her flapjacks, mingling with the melted butter to form honey-colored pools. Swirls of cinnamon curled over the tops of the pancakes. Soft, sweet chunks of apple were visible on top of the flapjacks, and Applebloom knew that more awaited inside. Almost bouncing in her excitement as she imagined the pure bliss of the light, sweet flavors unfolding themselves on her tongue, she carved out a slice of mouthwateringly butter-soaked pancake, raised it to her mouth, and -

"Awwww, crackerjack. Ah left m'spectacles in m'bedroom." Granny Smith's voice sliced into Applebloom's concentration, and the filly blinked as her flapjack fantasies were shattered.

"Spectacles?" Applejack came over to the table and refilled the syrup bottle, her gold-flecked green eyes eyeing Granny piercingly. "An' what spectacles would those be? First Ah'm hearin' of it."

"Th' ones Ah found in th' attic earlier this mornin'," Granny said indignantly, giving Applejack a sharp whap on the head with her cane.

"Ouch! What in th' hay was that for?" Applejack rubbed her forehead sourly, glaring at the offending walking stick.

"For cheekin' yer elders, young un!" Granny fired back. Applebloom snickered a little bit. It was always fun watching your big sister getting chewed out.

"Well, pardon me fer wonderin' about yer spectacles when ya didn't even have 'em before today," Applejack muttered stubbornly under her breath as she clopped back into the kitchen to make more pancakes.

"Do ya even need glasses, Granny?" Applebloom asked curiously. She'd certainly been able to see without them before today.

"That ain't the issue. The issue is Ah want 'em and Ah want 'em now!"

Sometimes Granny Smith could be even more stubborn then Applejack.

Big Mac looked up at Applebloom, his muzzle smeared with syrup, and narrowed his eyes, which were of a slightly darker hue than Applejack's. He was a stallion of few words, but what he communicated with his eyes was often louder than what he said with his mouth. And right now, his narrowed eyes were saying, Applebloom, you go git 'em.

Oh, yeah? Well, two can play at that game, big brother. Applebloom narrowed her eyes right back. No, you go!

No, you!

You!

Big Mac flashed her that Older Sibling stare that was a less potent variant of Applejack's, but was still scary enough to stop Applebloom in her tracks. She huffed petulantly, recognizing that she had lost the battle. "Ah'll git 'em, Granny," she sighed, concealing her annoyance under a mask of politeness as she hopped out of her breakfast chair, wistfully leaving behind her pancakes, and trotted upstairs. But she stuck her tongue out at Big Mac when he wasn't looking.

Granny's bedroom was at the end of the hallway, opposite the cluster of three bedrooms that belonged to Applejack, Big Mac, and Applebloom. Applebloom nudged Granny's room door open with her muzzle and padded slowly inside, feeling like a trespasser. Nopony ever went into Granny's room except Granny herself.

The floor creaked under Applebloom's hooves as she walked hesitantly over to the bed, pale sunlight streaming through the window and splashing on her nose. The spectacles, which were dusty and half-rimmed, were perched on the bedside table. Applebloom grabbed them with her forehoof and turned to leave, desperate to return to her pancakes.

Then her attention was caught by a magazine lying open on the neatly folded pillow. Applebloom glanced around furtively to make sure that nopony was watching - she knew that Applejack would give her a thorough dressing-down if she caught her snooping in somepony else's room like this - and stepped closer, squinting as she peered at the magazine cover.

She couldn't quite make out the picture; it simply looked like a tangle of hooves and manes and tails - no, wait, it looked like... it looked like...

Applebloom's eyes shrank to pinpricks of horror and her knees began to tremble.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

***

Everypony downstairs fell silent as Applebloom's piercing scream ripped through the air. Applejack's ears pricked and she raised her head, her sisterly instincts kicking in. "'Bloom's in trouble!" she whispered, her tail whipping around nervously. "Ah gotta -"

Big Mac reached out and placed a calming hoof on his younger sister's slender back. Applejack was by no means small, but his hoof was so enormous that her whole back was shadowed beneath it. "Now hang on, AJ," he urged her in his deep, unhurried voice. "She's prob'ly jus' seen a spider again or somethin'. Ah'll go check on her."

"Ya jus' want me t' keep makin' yore breakfast," Applejack muttered, her eyes glittering dangerously. "Fine. But if'n she's in real trouble Ah'm gonna be up there faster'n ya can say 'jackrabbit'!"

Mac, seeing no need to reply - half of his word quota for the day had already been exhausted -heaved himself out of his chair and clopped placidly upstairs. Catching sight of a pink hair bow protruding from above Granny Smith's bed, he walked down the hallway and slipped inside Granny's bedroom. Applebloom was leaning against the bed, shivering, staring into space with her eyes wider than dinner plates. A magazine was spread in front of her. "Applebloom?" the stallion asked concernedly, placing a hoof on her back. "What's wrong?"

"A - are those two mares doin' what Ah think they're doin'?" Applebloom whispered. "W-with each other?"

Big Mac took one look at the magazine and fainted.
***

Downstairs, Applejack had just started making her own breakfast - she always served her family before cooking for herself - when the house shook with a crush louder than thunder. She yelped and accidentally dropped her spatula. "What in the hay was that?"

Her sharp jade eyes flicked upwards just in time to see a small shower of dust fall from above, as though something large and heavy had smashed into the ceiling. Applejack's forehead scrunched. "Alraght, somethin's goin' on up there," she declared, throwing off her apron and stalking upstairs.

Applejack entered Granny's bedroom only to find Big Mac sprawled prostate on the floor and Applejack hunched over next to him, rocking back and forth on her hind legs and looking completely shell-shocked. She blinked, taken aback by the oddness of the scene, before dashing over to Big Mac's side. "Mac? Mac?" Brushing her flaxen bangs out of her eyes, she bent down and shook his shoulder. When he didn't move, Applejack turned to Applebloom, growing more and more frantic. "'Bloom? What's goin' on here? Are y'alraght? What happened t' Mac?"

A squeak slipped out of Applebloom's mouth; she seemed incapable of a coherent response. In desperation, Applejack tapped Applebloom's forehead with her hoof, but she didn't even notice.

That was the last straw. Applejack's protective sisterly instincts, which had been activated as soon as she'd heard Applebloom scream, could not be satisfied unless she was able to actually protect her siblings. And she couldn't do that unless she knew what had happened to them in the first place.

"WILL SOMEPONY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IN TH' NAME O' GRANNY'S GALLOPING GIRDLE IS GOIN' ON?!" she bellowed, steam practically coming out of her ears as she stamped her hoof, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Ah'm tired an' Ah got lots o'work t' do today an' Ah ain't even eaten breakfast yet 'cause of all this ruckus y'all are causin'!" Why are y'all lookin' like ya seen a ghost? An' why's Big Mac keeled over like a tree in a storm?" Applebloom made no answer. Exasperated, Applejack swept off her Stetson and slammed it to the floor. "Applebloom Apple! Ah want t' hear an answer right now, missy! Y'hear me? RIGHT NOW!"

This, finally, shook Applebloom out of her stupor. Angry Applejack was already a scary sight. Having her anger directed at you? That was a whole new level of scary. "Applejack, it was horrible!" she wailed, lifting her head and looking up at her sister with pleading eyes. "Jus' horrible!"

"Eeyup," came a faint voice from the floor. Big Mac raised his head weakly.

Applejack's rage died somewhat. Her siblings were finally talking. Now she could find out what the problem was and fix it. She raised an eyebrow at Mac and then glanced back at Applebloom. "Alraght, honey," she said comfortingly. "What's so horrible? How 'bout ya tell yore big sis what's botherin' ya, huh, baby girl?"

Applebloom's lip trembled as she pointed a shaking hoof at the magazine by her front hooves.

Applejack trotted a little closer and peered at the magazine. "Well, Ah don't see nothin' t' - HOPPIN' HAYBALES, CLOSE YORE EYES!" She lunged forwards and planted her hooves over Applebloom's eyes, her own gaze riveted in horror on the magazine cover.

Two mares. Two bottles of hard apple cider next to them. Two matching, sensuous smirks.

And that wasn't the worst of it. They were wrapped around each other like snakes on a stick, their hooves brushing against some rather inappropriate spots. Worse even than that, their underbellies were quite exposed, revealing soft, smooth belly fur and almost revealing, well, some other parts that definitely were better left to the imagination.

"Ah've already seen it, sis," Applebloom sniffled. "Ah - Ah think Ah'm gonna be scarred for life now."

Applejack was too horrified to respond. Her freckles were stark white against a deep crimson blush that was rapidly spreading over her cheeks; her emerald eyes were huge with shock. What in the hay was Granny Smith doing with this... this... thing... in her bedroom?

"So that's where those dagblamed spectacles got to," Granny Smith announced suddenly from the doorway, hobbling into her bedroom as fast as her creaky bones would let her. "Thought Ah left 'em in th' bathroom. Or was it th' attic? Naw, it was th' bathroom. Ah remember 'cause Ah took 'em off afore Ah went in t' shower..." she babbled on, continuing to provide way too much information, either not noticing or intentionally ignoring the hush that had fallen over the room as she entered.

Applebloom, Applejack, and Big Mac could only stare at her with horror as their grandmother tromped over to the bed and picked up her classes. "Heh, y'all don't look like big blobs no more!" Granny called as she slipped on the glasses. "Now, why're y'all lookin' at me like Ah upturned th' cider barrel?"

Applejack, being the most outspoken, took it upon herself to respond. "Granny... do ya recognize this here magazine?" she asked in a dangerously calm tone of voice, a faint blush rising to her cheeks once more just at the thought of the offending article.

The old mare cast a sideways glance at the magazine. "Sure Ah do. That's mah b'fore-bed readin' material."

Applejack's mouth hung open at Granny's serene response. "But... but..." Her mouth hung open for a good ten seconds before she collected herself, shaking her head firmly and flicking her ears, her platinum mane swinging around her withers. "Golly gee, Granny Smith, don'tcha know what this magazine is? Ah dunno if maybe ya want some kinda - some kinda - entertainment -" She looked miserable with embarrassment, but forced herself to continue. "But - ya can't keep this kinda thing in th' house with an impressionable young filly! Or, if ya do, at least hide it somewhere!" Applejack swept Applebloom into her forehooves. "As Ah live an' breathe, Ah ain't never some somepony so terrified as Applebloom were when she saw th' cover o' that magazine!"

"Now, listen here, ya little snip!" Granny prodded Applejack in the chest none too gently with her cane. "Ah'm gonna kick th' apple barrel sooner than y'all'll know it, alraght? Ah think Ah'm entitled t' read whatever Ah so chooses afore Ah do!"

"Don't talk like that, Granny!" Applebloom wailed, throwing herself around Granny Smith's frail body. "Y'all can read whatever ya like! Jus'... keep it as far away from me as possible? Please?"

"Ah should say so," Applejack snorted, gingerly picking up the hateful magazine with her teeth and laying it back on the bed with its scandalous cover facing down. "This ain't th' kinda thing Ah want lil' 'Bloom bein' exposed to b'fore her time."

"Fiddlesticks! Jackie, Ah don' know why yer kickin' up such a row! Why, back in mah day, we met with far worse as young un's. Ah remember when Ah-"

"Nope!" Big Mac held out his hooves pleadingly, his eyes wild, effectively stopping Granny's recollection in its tracks.

"Alright, alright," she chortled, her eyes alight with mischief. "No need t' get yer garter in a twist."

Applejack sighed with relief and swept her hat off the floor, planting it firmly atop her ruffles mane. "Well, glad that's over. Now, whaddya say t' finishin' breakfast, Applebloom? Applebloom?"

The little filly was still staring hard at the magazine. "There's somethin' Ah don' git," she stated slowly. "Ah could understand that... whatever it was... on th' cover bein' with a mare an' a stallion. But... two mares?" She looked up at her big sister, the picture of innocence. "What in th' hay does that mean?"

Applejack dropped her head. "Oh Lordy."

Big Mac frowned at Granny as disapprovingly as his gentle face would allow. "See what ya did?"

Granny Smith rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut yer gob! Everypony's gotta learn this at some point!"

Applebloom was still blinking up at Applejack. "Can ya tell me?"

Now that Applebloom had scene that picture, Applejack knew that if she didn't tell her what it meant herself Applebloom would simply go and ask somepony else. And Applejack wanted to be the one to tell her, to make sure that Applebloom didn't hear it from the wrong sort of ponies. It was time for Applebloom to grow up a little more, despite every fiber of Applejack's being pulling at her to preserve her little sister's youth and innocence for as long as possible.

Still... why do Ah have t' be th' one t' give her this talk?

She heaved a sigh and shot Applebloom a somewhat wistful smile. "'Course Ah can tell ya, sugarcube." She settled down on her hindquarters next to Applebloom and brushed a hoof along her little sister's cheek. "Well... ya know how special it is when a stallion an' a mare love each other?"

Applebloom crinkled her muzzle. "Specially disgustin', ya mean. With all that kissin' and cuddlin'."

"Eeyup," Big Mac agreed forcefully.

Despite herself, Applejack had to laugh. "Well, that may be. But, uh... sometimes, well... a mare can fall in love with another mare. Or a stallion with another stallion. It ain't wrong or nothin', even if'n there are some who think so. It's just love an' that's all. An' sometimes they'll git married or even have a foal t'gether, jus' like a stallion an' a mare would. But don't look at 'em any different, A.B. You jus' accept 'em fer who they are with a big heart. Be someone they can ride th' river with. Understand?"

Applebloom was quiet for a long time as she digested everything that Applejack had told her. Finally she glanced up and said,"So, is this what you were doin' with Rainbow Dash that day when Ah found you two wrestlin' in th' field?"

"What?" Applejack yelped and shot to her hooves, her face redder than Big Mac's flank. "Absolutely not! Heavens t' Betsy, Bloom, where in Equestria did that idea come from? Why, Ah'm surprised at you! That weren't no - no - whatever that is," she finished lamely, gesturing to the magazine. "We were jus' wrestlin'. Like Ah told ya."

She was probably telling the truth, being the Element of Honesty and all, but it was hard to tell. Even honest ponies lie sometimes. And the flush that had risen to her cheeks was doing little to help her case.

Big Mac snorted and mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like 'likely story'. Applejack removed her hat and swatted him across the face with it. "Don' y'all start, big brother. Jus' you stall yore mug b'fore Ah come'n give ya what-for!"

Mac knew his sister well enough to know that the threat was real. Applejack's temper, while not easily excited, was no laughing matter. You were more likely to survive being shipwrecked in a roaring thunderstorm than one of her tirades. Trying to get back in her good books, he got to his hooves, shook his powerful shoulders, and gave her a winning smile. "Alright, AJ. Ah got yer point. An Ah got me somethin' else too - an empty stomach." Right on cue, his belly growled with hunger. "Ah'm gonna go'n finish mah pancakes." He affectionately tickled Applebloom's tummy for a brief moment before leaving the room, his huge hooves clomping down the hallway.

Applejack let out a sigh of relief and flicked her ears, relieved that she had been rescued from that conversation. "Good." She turned to Granny Smith and gave her a side hug, using one of her hooves to push Granny's glasses further up on her muzzle. "Now, Granny, how 'bout we go t' the library an' find you, some, uh, better readin' material? Twi's got lots o' good stuff in there. Prob'ly."

Granny Smith's eyes narrowed. "Little missy, Ah've seen far worse than mah magazine in some o' those romance novels y'all keep 'neath the loose floorboard under yer bed!"

Uh oh. Busted.

Applejack gulped and pulled her Stetson lower over her eyes, blushing mightily. "Uh, mah pancakes are gettin' cold, Ah think Ah'm just gonna..." She darted out of the room before she could finish her sentence.

Granny Smith stared after her in bewilderment. "But... Ah was only pullin' her leg..."