The Broken Shards of My Life
Five AM. My body begins to wake itself up as it always has. I’ve gotten used to waking up early. The bed creaks under my light weight and I look around my room. A small wooden work desk sits by a corner with a hoofmade stool I made for myself from scraps. I get off my creaky bed and walk up to the old floor mirror that has been collecting dust. Chipped glass from its edges lie around it. I have to be careful walking near it. The mirror isn’t much taller than me, so I grab my stool and stand on top of it to brush off the dust with my tail.
Suddenly the stool leg wobbles and a leg snaps. The chair falls apart with me on top. I land on the worn floorboard with a thud. I close my eyes, praying that my parents haven’t heard me. They don’t like being woken early… and I don’t like them mad.
I slowly get up from the floor, wincing in pain. I clutch my sides and bits of red blood-stained glass fall to the floor. Inspecting the injury, I find shards of glass stuck inside my flesh.
It’s fine… Just one more to add to the collection. Either way, it’s almost over...
I raise my battered wings and see if they have healed at all over the past week; they haven’t.
It’s what I deserved for being late again. But everything will be… okay…
Looking back to the mess on the floor, I use my teeth to pick up any salvageable pieces of wood and nails. I brush the rest into a corner in my room where I’ll return to clear it away when I have a proper way to dispose of it. Mother says I should just throw it out the window and into the alleyway; we haven’t kept any garbage bags for the past years.
I check the cuts on my hooves to see if they have healed faster than my wings; they haven’t either.
It’s what I deserved for not listening to mother… The suffering will end soon… I promise…
Downstairs, I hear the sounds of my parents waking up. Grabbing my schoolbag, I quietly make my way to the living to see my father sprawled in the couch. Several empty bottles of alcohol are open and on top of the small coffee counter beside him.
“Good morning, Father.” I force a smile.
I get no response.
“Good morning, Father!” I say a bit louder.
I still have yet to get a response.
“Good morning-”
“I heard ya, ya little tramp! Be quiet!” he says with a huff and sinks his face in the couch.
“O-of course father…” I continue my normal day, walking towards to kitchen where my mother is eating an old sandwich.
“Good morning mo-”
“Save it. Just take some food from the cupboards and go to school.” She sulks out of the kitchen doorway, bumping me in the process.
“O-ok…” I trot to the cupboards and jump on top of the old countertops. Looking inside what I could have for breakfast or lunch, the only edible thing I can find is a box of crackers.
Better than nothing!
I peek inside the box to find it full of mice. Before I can scream, I lose my balance and fall off the countertop. The small disturbance catches my father’s attention.
“WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!!”
“N-nothing! I was just about to leave for school!”
Panicking from my father’s anger, I sprint my way to the door and leave.
I approach school to see the crowded hallways like any normal day; except it isn’t a normal day, not for me. Today is going to be different. Today I’m going to finally be free. Shuffling my way to class, I pass the teacher’s desk.
“Good morning, dearie.”
“Good morning.”
“Something the matter?”
“It’s nothing…”
My body starts walking towards my desk, but my mind tells me to turn around. Nearing my seat, I trust my instincts and turn back to the teacher.
“Actually… There is something I’d like to say… In private.”
The teacher gives me a hesitant look and I tense up. Reluctantly, I get a nod.
“Very well then. Speak with me after class.”
A hopeful smile crosses my face and I take my seat in class. I patiently wait for class to end. Happiness that I haven’t felt in a long time swells in my body. An uplifting feeling carries me up. For once I believe in good, and that good things can finally happen to me.
Soon enough, the bell rings and I make my way to the teacher’s desk.
“What was it you wanted to talk about, little one?”
“It’s about my parents… you see… “
From there, I tell my teacher everything. By the look of the face staring back at me, the topic of our discussion was clearly unexpected. I wait for my teacher to regain composure.
“I believe you’re exaggerating there young one. Maybe they’re just a little bit harsh, but it isn’t right to twist tales.”
My heart plunges to the bottom of my chest. It isn’t supposed to be like this. This was supposed to fix everything. “But what I said is tr-”
“I will be calling your parents immediately. Please wait here.”
Hearing this news starts to make my vision blur as tears begin to fog my eyesight. The teacher leaves the room to head to the main office. Every passing second sends a chill down my spine and every passing second is a second closer with me having to face my parents. Suddenly the door slams open and my very furious mother is glaring at me, my father not that far behind.
“... You…”
I get thrown into the house and the door slams shut behind me. Before I can protest, mother’s voice booms through the house.
“Just what do you think you’re doing? Trying to get us caught like that?!”
“I-I didn’t meant to!”
“Then what did you mean?!”
“I-I… I…”
I am faced with heated glares and mother chuckles darkly. She rummages through a drawer and pulls out a leather belt. I wince back to the painful memories.
“Someone hasn’t been listening lately… HAVE THEY?!”
“No! P-Please! Mother, I’m sorry!”
“No excuses!”
My father, who was silent the entire time, stalks towards me. Each step he takes towards me, I scramble my way back. Eventually, I am pinned against the wall and father’s alcohol stained breath brushes against my fur.
“I didn’t want to do this to you…”
I whimper and tears flow down my cheek.
“Now, now... “ He brushes my tears away, “You look prettier without the tears…”
“... Father… Please… D-Don’t do this…”
“We’re going to make sure that not a single words leaves that filthy mouth of yours…”
It's too late. Father and mother are already closing in on me. I want to call for help, to scream, to cry, or do anything that will turn this all into a nightmare that I will wake up from. It isn’t, nor will it ever will be. This is my life and nothing will change that. Nothing will change the fact that they touch me, hurt me, and treat me in ways I’ll never forget.
Nothing will change that, tonight, I lose my innocence.
I am lying on my stomach in my bedroom, crying after the pain of getting more scars, the pain of betrayal, and the pain of… of…
It’s fine… Just one more to add to the collection.
The pain never seems to stop. As much as I’d love to pretend my parents love me, they never wanted a child. I am their “terrible mistake” or their “biggest regret” as they put it. It’s all I am and all I ever will be. They don’t want me home early because they love me enough to make sure I’m safe; they simply want me home early so they wouldn’t get in trouble for losing a child. Even then, I don’t think they’d care if I did go missing… A regret, a failure, useless, and unloved.
… Just one more to add to the collection.
I was fine for the past years. As long as I stayed out of their way I would be fine. I could take pain. It wouldn’t matter because in the end, everyone would end up exactly where we started: unexisting from this cursed world. A world where we show superiority by abusing one another. A world where pain and suffering seemed to divide us all.
The sounds of laughter catch my attention. I slowly make my way towards the window, wincing at each step. Peering down to a house nearby, I see the curtains are drawn back and the family inside can be seen. I see a foal around my age, laughing and smiling with his mother and father as they share a late-night dinner.
Family...
I have been watching this family for some time now. Friday nights like this are usually when the three of them spend time together. A smile crosses my face every time I see them.
Family…
It is something I lack. Smiles are hard to come by unless they are forced. Watching these three has made me realized what a smile really was.
Family…
It is something I need—no, want. I need a family I can depend on. I want a family I can trust. For once in my life—at least once—I’d like to be… free.
I open the window gently and crawl my way to the emergency fire-escape route. Peering over the edge, I see the steep drop of eleven stories high. The ring of faint laughter catches my attention again.
Bringing my focus back to the family, I continue to lean against the rusty metal bars. I watch as they converse about their day and talk about the excitement tomorrow brings.
Tomorrow brings the same thing it always has… Never changing, keeping us bound by the will of time.
I begin to dream of tomorrow: a tomorrow different from the last; a tomorrow far from this life I have; a tomorrow that will take me away into open hooves and never bring me back here.
Lost in my thoughts, I fail to see the old metal bars begin to give way. A loud creak finally brings me to reality.
The added weight of me leaning on the railing causes the bars to snap and swing outwards. With my support faltering, I begin to fall.
Miraculously, hinges attached to the railing keep it dangling over the eleven story drop. Even more miraculous, my hoof catches a grip around the bars.
I wheeze for air as I hear my weak shoulder pop. I may be a small and light foal, but the empty stomach doesn't help me.
The shoulder joint…
I fling my other hoof towards the railing, and slowly try to pull myself up. All attempts are fruitless as my fragile body struggles to safety. I kick at the empty ground below me, hoping something can push me back up.
Tears stream down my eyes as I look at the drop that awaits me.
I refuse to call for help. My parents don’t like the noise or the attention that could get them into trouble. Wheezing again, I struggle to maintain my grip with my weakening hooves.
Too… much… pain…
I bare my teeth from the pain in my dislocated shoulder. It falls limp to my side and my weight is a burden to the remaining hoof. My grip slips faster now and my face is already stained with tears.
I think back to my situation before and after I went out on the fire escape. Do I call for help to live the life I have? Or do I…
I’d rather not say it. Conflicted feelings in my mind fill me at once.
Too much to think about… Not enough time…
Soft, gentle laughter swarms my senses again. I peer over to see the family hugging on a couch. The smile returns once more.
There is nothing left to think about. My mind has finally been made up.
I let go and fall into the hug of tomorrow.
