Wouldn't be the first time I woke up outside...

Let's get something straight. I'm not a brony. But a guy can only spend so much time on the internet without being exposed to ponies. I hate all the troll pictures and the bronies trying to get me to join the herd, it just makes me rage! But one day a little troll war with a brony friend of mine from the net went a little too far. Well… we both said things we regret (OK, mostly me), but after that, we made peace with each other, and ever since then I try not to take any of his pony crap to heart. I know he's just fucking with me anyway.

So one day, I'm just hanging out in TeamSpeak, as usual, just talking with my buddies, when one guy puts a tumblr link in the text chat (not the friend I mentioned, by the way). What else is new, right? I'm always getting stupid links from stupid people. The guy who sent it to me is a complete moron. You can't listen to him talk without feeling your intelligence slowly being sucked out of your brain. But at least this link was a little entertaining. It's a little 'game' called 'Birthday Scenario Game – Pony Edition.' At that point, I was completely unfazed by pony shit. Half the people I know on the net are bronies. Anyway this image had a bunch of ponies, one for each day of the month, and then it had a scenario for each month. So you match up the scenario and the pony for your birth month and day, respectively. In my case, it was 'Switch lives with' for June and Rainbow Dash for the 20th. So naturally, I was like 'Wow I get to switch lives with Rainbow Dyke, yay.' Could've been worse, I could have been stuck baking cupcakes with Pinkamena. Oh yes. That's right, I know about Cupcakes. Don't ask me how.

I know what you're thinking right now, if you hate ponies so much, what the hell happened?

Well, I was just at a point where I hated my boring, humdrum life that seemed to be going nowhere fast. So when my birthday came around, only a few days after I got that link, I made use of my birthday wish.

Now normally, I'd just wish for something mundane like happiness or financial stability, because those two seemed to be the most likely to happen. Yea, right… Even as far back as I could remember I've wished for similar things. I never wished for anything insane or outrageous. Hell, I never even wished for toys when I was a kid, at least not that I remember. And I also never got my wishes.

So there I was, birthday cake in front of me, candles lit, ritualistic song being sung, and I was thinking about  what to wish for. Now, I never really believed wishes would come true. I mean let's face it, how many wishes have you made that didn't come true? About all of them? But for some reason, we all do it anyway. I was no exception. I knew… not just believed or thought, I KNEW that none of these wishes would ever come true.

I was staring into the flames of six candles on a delicious-looking chocolate cake. Why six candles I had no idea. I was 19, but I'm guessing it was simply the number that was the most convenient for my mother to stick in the cake. I closed my eyes and, and I figured, 'What the hell, I'll make a stupid wish.'

And so I wished that I could live in a fantasy world. Maybe fight the forces of evil alongside other brave warriors… you know that kinda thing.

It wasn't going to happen anyway. I inhaled. I leaned forward and blew out all the candles in one breath, (You should really be able to do that after doing it so many times, it wasn't exactly a spectacular feat.) But right before I finished… that damn pony game popped into my head, for just a split second. I inhaled again to replace the lost breath, for a second I hesitated, my heart was beating rapidly in my chest, I wondered if my wish might have somehow magically come true, and then I opened my eyes. Instantly my eyes were sparkled by the sight of a beautiful… chocolate cake, and I heard my immediate family clapping half-heartedly. Nothing happened, and I wasn't the least bit surprised. I KNEW nothing would happen, that's exactly why I made that stupid wish.

Later that night, I went to bed, another un-spectacular birthday over, another year closer to death. My mind was plagued with all the things I'd have to do at work the next day. Eventually, sleep took me. 'If I'm lucky,' I thought on the way to dreamland, 'maybe I'll have a good dream.'

Sun is in my eyes. Ow. I hate when this happens. Great! I'm awake… before my alarm went off. Come on! Let me have just a little more juicy sweet sleep! Stupid sun. I'm sleeping and it comes up and shines through my window just to be a dick. Ugh, fine, whatever, might as well get up.

My eyes feel like they’re rolling around in my skull as I try to blink them open. OK, all I see is sky, what the hell is this shit? Meh whatever. Wouldn't be the first time I woke up outside. My brother got drunk one time and dragged me outside while I was asleep, left me on the porch. I look around. Hmm… nothing but clear, blue, EXTREMELY BRIGHT sky. Some clouds over there, a mountain over there, huh, no ground. Why does this kinda crap always happen to me? I’d say this calls for a double facepalm…

Whoa.

Um.

A hoof? Hooves. Horse hooves! No way. Pssh… I must be dreaming. I can't… pinch myself! Yep, definitely dreaming. That's it. Just having a very lucid dream, with ponies, I've been around bronies way too damn long.

I look down at myself. Light blue fur, rainbow tail, hooves. Definitely Rainbow Dyke. Hey, she has wings, right? I always wanted to fly in a dream! I roll over on my bed… er… cloud??… and try to stand up on all four hooves. It feels so strange, but somehow natural at the same time. Seems legit. Anyway, for being made of water vapor, this cloud is really sturdy. It's like I'm standing on a rock. Which is weird, since it felt like nothing when I was laying on it. Friggin’ magical pony cloud.

OK, let's fly! I lean forward to take off, to let the wind take me, to soar among the clouds…

POOF

I fall forward on my face. Soft cloud. I give up! What a shitty dream. I'll just wait for someone to come talk to me. Can’t be long.

Why? Why couldn't I dream of being a fox, or something cool? I'm a goddamn pony. And not just any goddamn pony, the gayest goddamn pony.

30 Minutes Later.

Why couldn't I be a fox…?

"Hi Rainbow Dash!" I hear behind me.

I turn around for a second, but I don't care who it is, I don't want to talk to them. I just grumble something with my mouth closed in response, in the deepest tone I can muster, trying to retain some semblance of my manliness.

"You OK, Rainbow Dash?"

I grumble again, but I forget to deepen my voice, and I yelp in response to hearing that raspy and (questionably) feminine voice.

The other pony lands on my cloud. It's grey and those eyes are a dead giveaway. Derpy. Why do I know this?! Well other than seeing her spammed all over the net, one time I overheard a debate between two brony friends about whether her name was Ditzy or Derpy. The guy who thought it was Derpy seemed to be winning, so let's roll with that. We just stare at each other awkwardly. At least I think she's staring back at me. Hard to tell.

After a while she pipes up, "I was just on the way home from work, I thought I'd check on you." She looks sad.

Well uhhhhh...

"Well uhhhhh..." Still don't know if she's looking at me. "Thanks?" She doesn't look that smart, maybe I could pull one over on her… "Hey, I think I'm coming down with a cold. Can you help me get to the ground?"

"Uhhhh… It's not the feather flu is it?" She asks, reeling back a little and scrunching up her nose.

"Ugh, sure." I hate this voice.

Derpy steps back even further and flies backwards off the cloud. She holds her arm(?) over her nose. "Hang on, I'll be right back!"

I wait.

After a few minutes I see a dark cloud moving towards me. Whatever? It floats right over my head and stops. Derpy appears from behind said cloud, then flies up on top of it where I can't see her. Suddenly the cloud starts shaking violently. I look up…

SPLASH

…only to be drenched by ice cold rain.

Scumbag cloud.

BANG

I jump in surprise as a bolt of lightning shoots (RIGHT NEXT TO ME) from the cloud to the ground.

Derpy flutters back down to my cloud. I give her the dirtiest look I can muster. I hate dreaming.

"OK Rainbow Dash! Let's get you down to the ground!" She flies backwards a bit and then pushes down the cloud I'm on with her arms(?).

I just sit on this cloud, soaking wet, shivering, and generally looking sad all the way to the ground. I had no idea how cold it was up there until I got wet. Hang on… I don't remember feeling this cold in a dream before…

Just as the cloud touches the ground, it poofs into thin air, and I fall a couple feet onto my ass, on the grassy ground.

"Ow."

"There ya go! I'll seeya later!" Derpy waves and flies off.

"Bye…" I say sarcastically. She probably can't hear me by now anyway.

Still sitting on my ass, I look around. I'm in a grassy field with some trees, looks like a forest behind me. Not much else.

Hmm.

Can’t sit here forever, that'd be a boring dream. I have an idea... I'll go into the woods, maybe I'll find someone there!

I stand up and start heading into the woods…

THUNK

…and promptly fall flat on my face after taking the first step. Ah yes, I have four legs now, how easily I forget.

I get up and press a hoof against my sore nose. I have to learn how to walk… again.

Sigh

One hoof in front of the other, first with front legs, then with the back ones. I get the basic walking step down pretty fast, but I still have to pay full attention while working these things.

I trot around in circles in this field. Hmm. 'Trot.' Hmm. I pick up the pace and see if I can manage to run… er… gallop?

I'm running so clumsily on these hooves. Miracle I haven't tripped yet.

SMACK

"Ow. My nose!" I had to say something… didn't I?

Let's see if I can do a buck. Might need to defend myself against fluffy woodland animals. I squat my hind legs and jump with them. I try to kick them back and…

KER-THUNK

"Ow…!" How'd I manage to fall on my face?!

Whatever, fuck it. I'm going in there. BAY LIFE!

I trot (…) gingerly into the woods.

A damp, musty air permeates my nostrils. The woods are getting thicker and it's pretty dark. And now, it smells like shit. A big steaming pile of shit. I hear birds singing, that's good. I walk towards the direction I hear them. The tree cover is so dense here I can barely see my hoof in front of my face (…)

I come up to a small clearing with a little bit of sunlight shining through the leaves. Sure enough, there are a few colorful birds there, singing. Like actually singing, not with words, but not just chirping either. They scatter as I walk into the clearing.

Aw…

I just look around in disappointment. I hear a slight rustle of leaves in the darkness. I look to see a pair of demonic glowing yellow eyes in the shadows.

And growling.

BAY LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

I run! I run and I run! I try desperately to keep my footing. (Hoofing? AGH! NO TIME TO THINK ABOUT THAT!)

KER-THUNK

"OW!" I tripped over a tree root and scramble to get back on my feet. I catch a glimpse of the beast chasing me. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?! It looks like a huge wolf with the oakflesh spell on it!

What? I play a lot of Dungeons and Dragons.

Wait. I think I saw two of them. Shit!

This is just a dream! This is just a dream! WAKE UP! WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!!

I'm almost out of the woods! I see the light!

SMACK

"OW!" Something stepped in front of me. I think I heard it yelp.

I don't care! Shaking my head, I get back up and keep running, down a grassy field on onto a dirt road!