Applejack sighed, staring out at the farm as the light barely started to grow in the corner of the sky. It had been another sleepless night and the bags under her eyes were larger than ever. Her head rested on the side of the window, her thoughts weighing just as heavily as the lack of sleep.
Can I make it through another day?
The thought had plagued her for months, perhaps even all her life. Sometimes, she really loved the physical work of the farm, the ache in her muscles, the sweat on her brow. But other days, it was hard even for her to get out of bed and make it into the field. Sometimes she couldn't help but wonder what the point of anything was at all.
Applejack pinched her eyes shut and took one more deep breath before snagging her hat off the bedpost and stepping gently down the stairs. Out in the field she felt more peaceful. Even as the cold seeped deep into her bones and she was left alone with her thoughts, the feeling of being outdoors was enough to make her feel better, if only somewhat.
As the morning wore on and the sun began to peek over the horizon, she finally headed back towards the barn. She would get an early start today, not because she wanted to work, but because she had to. That's what apples do.
* * *
“Oh, um.. welcome Applejack.” Fluttershy held the door to her cottage open, a puzzled look on her face. Applejack realized she had been deep in thought on the way over and had hardly registered knocking on the door. She quickly rearranged her face into a believable smile.
“Hey there, sugar cube. How are all them critters doing? I heard Angel was under the weather a few days ago.”
Fluttershy brightened at the mention of her companion. “Oh yes, he was quite ill. His little nose was running and he could hardly get out of bed! But a little carrot soup and rest was all he needed.” She turned to the little bunny who was tapping his foot, clearly unhappy at being portrayed as needy. But there was more in his eyes; you could tell he was grateful for his home.
“Glad to hear it!” Applejack said with too much enthusiasm. She hurried inside before things could become more awkward.
In the cottage, Rarity sat discussing something with Twilight, while Rainbow Dash was lounging on the couch. Rarity stared at Applejack with horror as she approached.
“Applejack, darling, you look simply exhausted! Why, your mane is more frizzy than I've ever seen it! You simply must come to the spa with me tomorrow.”
Applejack blushed, embarrassed by the mention of her appearance. The truth was that she had been forgetting simple things, like combing her mane.
“We've been a bit busy on the farm with the outbreak of apple maggots and all. Ah haven't had much time for a break.” Rarity opened her mouth to protest but Applejack cut her off. “But that's all part of the life of a farm pony. Once we've got this infestation under control ah might take you up on that offer.”
The rest of the evening went as every Wednesday did. The girls discussed what had been going on in their lives and shared tea and cake, made by none other than Pinkie Pie. The conversation bounced back and forth each gushing about what was new but every time the talk turned to Applejack she directed it away. I don't need to burden them with my feelings.
As the night drew to a close and everyone departed for their homes, Twilight hung back in the group, waiting for Applejack to catch up. Applejack nearly bumped right into her, but stopped short just in time.
“Oh, hey Twilight,” she drawled out.
“You seem... off. Is everything okay?” The unicorn's expression was twisted with worry.
Alarm bells sounded in Applejack's head and she scrambled for a way to push her feelings deeper under the radar. “Of course I'm alright, Twi. I just been working so hard I could use a long rest.” She pulled a weary smile out and tried to sound as genuine as possible.
Twilight stood for a moment, not entirely convinced. “It's important to take care of yourself, AJ. You don't want to end up like that time you tried to buck the whole farm on your own.” Her words were tough but her expression was soft. She cared and it hurt Applejack even more to lie to her about what was going on when she wore a face like that. Maybe it would be good to confide in Twilight. She's smart, she may have some advice.
It's not that bad. You can handle this on your own. What are ya, weak?
Applejack thought better of it and nodded in response. They walked the rest of the way in silence.
* * *
Applejack peeled her eyes open. The sun streamed in the open window of her bedroom.
“What time is it?” she asked no one in particular. She turned to the clock on her nightstand. 1:30. “1:30! How could I have slept so late?” Applejack sighed in frustration, half the day was gone and here she was still in bed. And yet, she didn't feel any less tired than she did last evening. She had skipped their Wednesday meetup, saying she was too tired to make the trek out to town, which was true. Pinkie had been considerate when they had crossed paths in town while Applejack was delivering some apples, almost too considerate.
“Then why don't we bring the party to you? I can bring the food and set up and all you have to do is be there!” Pinkie squealed in delight, obviously figuring she had solved the problem.
“Actually Pinkie, I think I'll turn in early. I'm mighty tired after all the work this week,” Applejack faked a yawn. She really was tired, but in a way that was deeper than could be solved by a good nights rest.
Pinkies mane flattened. “Oh... I guess we'll see you next week then.”
“Will you tell the other ponies I can't make it? Ah really ought to get back to the farm.”
Pinkie agreed and they parted ways. After that Applejack had felt a mixture of relief and loneliness, but she just couldn't get up the energy to go to the meetup. It was hard enough for her to get through the day, she didn't think she could make it through a night of friends even though that was the company she needed most right now.
Applejack sighed and turned back to the ceiling. Even though she had slept for 14 hours, she still felt exhausted. She lay in bed, lost in her thoughts as the day wore on. Finally, she forced herself up and down the stairs. Granny Smith was rocking in her chair, recounting a story to a bored-looking Apple Bloom. She brightened at the sight of her sister.
“Applejack! I was worried you might be real sick the way you slept in this mornin'. Big Mac said we'd better let you sleep, with how hard you been workin' and all.” Apple Bloom stared at her hooves for a minute before pulling her eyes up excitedly. “But now that you're up you can help me with some repairs I have to do on the Crusader Clubhouse. Some of the floor boards aren't sittin' quite right.”
Applejack's heart sank. The task sounded exhausting. But her little sister was beaming up at her. She used to love helping her build. Apple Bloom had a knack for it and Applejack suspected that one day she may have a cutie mark to match her skill. Today, however, it seemed like more of a hassle. Still, she couldn't turn her sister down. Not when she was teeming with excitement.
How could you fail your family like this? First you wake up late and skip your chores, now you are going to turn down your sister when she needs help?
“Well come on little filly, let's go fix it up.” She mustered up as much enthusiasm as she had. It wasn't quite enough. Apple Bloom didn't notice.
* * *
The days got harder and harder and Applejack struggled more every sunrise to pull herself from the covers. Some days she faked sick and lay in bed all morning, feeling like a failure. Other days, she mulled through the day in a haze of dark emotions. Yet every time somepony asked, she insisted she was fine. Nothing was wrong. How could she let them know what a failure she felt like? How could she tell them she felt so alone even when there were so many ponies in her life? She kept it to herself to protect them and herself and it continued to fester like an untreated wound.
One morning, before the light had appeared in the sky, she found herself caught in another sleepless night. She trotted gently through the house finding herself upon the back porch staring up at the stars. The air was chilly but she didn't move from her spot, distanced from the world by her spiraling emotions.
A few minutes later, she heard steps approaching. She dried the tears that had welled in her eyes and tried to rearrange her face to not look so distressed. Granny Smith sat down next to her.
“I remember when I was your age...” she started on one of her famous 'when I was a filly' stories. Applejack stared off, half listening.
“I had always wondered if there was something wrong with me. It started my second summer of full chores. I had such a hard time getting out of bed...”
The words struck Applejack like a kick to the gut. Did Granny know what was going on?
Granny continued as she stared out into the night air, “I started skipping breakfast, stopped spending time baking my favorite pies for the neighbors, I even stopped visiting old Marmalade.” Granny Smith paused, a gentle breeze rolled by before she continued. “I was having trouble doing even the smallest tasks. And yet, here I was pretending everything was fine. Lucky for me, I made it through with some help. Some others in our family weren't so lucky.”
The words hung heavy in the air. Applejack knew who she was talking about. She missed her mother more than anything in the world. But she was starting to understand why it had happened all those years ago.
“I'm telling you this,” Granny Smith turned to meet Applejack's gaze, “because you don't have to do it alone. I know what you've been going through but I wanted to give you some space to figure it out in your own way. It's okay to need a little help.”
Tears forced their way down Applejack's cheeks and she was silent for a long time as she tried to figure out what to say.
“Ah was just so scared. I worried that maybe I just wasn't fit to be a farm pony or a friend. Maybe I wasn't fit to be an Apple.” She stared down at her hooves.
“I worried the same thing when I was young. But I'll tell you this, little filly, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. This here problem runs in the family and though I wish I could take it away, all I can do is help you through it.”
Applejack thought about that for a long moment before turning to Granny. A small smile crossed her face, one she didn't have to force. She felt better knowing she wasn't the only one who had been through this. She felt even better knowing that it ran in the family. That meant it wasn't her fault, even though it felt like it was. It also meant she had to be strong and get through this herself so she could be there for Apple Bloom when she grew up. The Apple may not fall far from the tree, but that didn't mean it had to fall alone.