Chapters Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
The Arrival of Two Bitches
It was getting late in the afternoon on Saturday when I got back to Ponyville after returning from Blythe leading me to the portal and I see a couple reddish unicorns standing over by my practice. I'm not sure what they're up to but it is likely not anything good given the looks on their faces. Well I confront the two and ask them what the hell they were doing outside of my practice. Get this, they have been monitoring me! They said something about seeing a girl going in to see me and then her leading me to a portal. I looked at their manes and the snarly looks on their faces and realized that they could only be one thing, the Biskit Twins.
Oh great, right before me were standing two little spawns of Tirek but then it hit me, maybe they need some dental work done and I could get something out of them. I asked what their problem was and both complained about their teeth hurting. Well I was supposed to have a night on the town with Amethyst and Sea Swirl that night but I decided I'd take the little bitches in and see what was up. Besides, I realized that I could follow them through the portal when they go back and take something to compensate for my work with something that is pretty, shiny and worth a lot of money!
One thing I learned about these two, the one with the white mane is named Brittany and the one with the black mane is Whittany. Kind of odd, I'd think their names would match the color of their mane, I mean hair when they are humans but hey, as long as I can get something in return, that is all that matters.
Bitchy Brittany
I took Brittany back first and apparently she must be scared of the dentist because like every other pussy that is scared of me, I had to use my magic to pry her mouth open. What I saw next would really piss me off. The little bitch had 2 rotten teeth, 6 cavities and early stage periodontal disease. Seriously? This little bitch who thinks she is so great would let her teeth get this bad? Well, I have had a patient with early periodontal disease before and you all know what I did with her! That one was a bitch and so was this one, well she is worse because she is mean to Blythe so I have decided that she must be punished severely. I'll give her the advanced periodontal disease treatment, with no sedatives!
Well the moment she begins to scream in pain, her whiny sister charges back and yells at me for hurting her sister! As you all know, I do not like ponies, well in their case ponified people, disturbing me while I am working on a patient so I smacked her so hard I knocked a couple teeth out. Oopsie, my bad! Oh well, I can get them taken care of, take them home and then steal something from their daddy as payment.
As you all know, it was Spoiled Rich I gave the gum flap surgery to for her periodontal disease and I have decided that Bitchy Brittany will get the same treatment. The first thing I did was take a razor blade and tear her gums to shreds, revealing her bottoms of her plaque and tartar covered teeth. Yeah given it was in its early stages I could have given her antibiotics to treat it but what fun would that be? Of course her skank sister just had to grab me again so I decided to punish her further. I slammed my hoof into her muzzle and broke it! That will teach her to try and intervene when I'm punishing a bad patient!
As far as little Brittany's other problems go, I decided her daddy could take care of those because I had a date with my marefriends that night, I still had the other twin to deal with and naturally I was not going to let my marefriends down by pushing our date back a week.
Anyway I eventually got little Brittany taken care of, well sort of. Yeah her gums are torn to shreds and she is whining in pain but hey, I got the plaque and tartar off and that's what matters!
Whiny Whittany
After I got Brittany taken care of I got Whittany in the chair. I tried getting her sister to go out to the waiting area but oh no, she just had to stay back with her sister. I have seen a fair amount of sisters who are pretty close but these two seem clingy, not as bad as Cloudchaser and Flitter but still, they can't stand to be apart which annoys the hell out of me.
Like with her sister, I had to use my magic to pry Whittany's mouth open and I what I saw shocked me. Unlike her sister, she had perfectly clean teeth but she doesn't have to know that. I don't like her because she is a total bitch so I decided to lie. I told her that she was developing periodontal disease and that like her sister, she would have to have gum flap surgery and naturally, this did not sit well with her.
She began screaming about how she brushes three times a day and has always had perfect dental checkups. Want to know what is even funnier, I didn't even grab a clean razor to start shredding her gums off of her! I figured that if I just used the same one I used on her sister that I could save money by using fewer razor blades. Once I got her gums shredded off I saw bloodied teeth but nothing bad. Despite that, I took the same brush I used on her sister and scraped the blood off as well as I could.
Now while I was doing this her sister grabbed a hold of me and yelled at me! They are twins and I decided she needed to be like her sister so I slammed my hoof down on her muzzle and broke it. Now Brittany must be a little pussy because unlike her sister was when I broke her nose, she began to cry like a little bitch. Oh well, her daddy can take care of it once she gets home! I do hope they claim that all their injuries were caused by an Alicorn princess from Equestria because I'm sure his reaction will be hilarious.
Traumatizing the Twins
Once I got done with them it was late, very late. When the three of us were leaving my practice we were greeted by a very unhappy Amethyst and Sea Swirl. I knew I was in a world of hurt given the furious looks on their faces. I tried to explain to them that my patients needed time consuming gum flap surgeries but it didn't calm them down at first. Eventually I was able to get them to agree to have our date the following night.
Once I got that taken care of I had to figure out what to do with the Biskit Bitches. I did not feel like taking them back to Downtown City at that time of night and I certainly did not feel like putting up with them so I decided that Aria and Adagio could take care of them. Yeah they already had the Cake Twins to handle but these two should cause no problems. Besides, with these two they can injure them if they have to since they will be going home the next day.
After that I headed home and had quite the night with my lovelies. I decided to be very nice that night and let Starlight dominate me, which doesn't happen very often. Too bad things wouldn't stay nice and cheery and I'm sure you know what caused all that to end. It wasn't too long after sunrise that Aria called me screaming and yelling for me to come and get the twins I cursed upon them. The main thing I remember her saying is that they didn't like being kissed, groped or sucked on.
Naturally my response was that I would not come and get them until after the reruns of My Little Human and Littlest Pet Shop were over so it was noon before I headed over there. What I found when I got there was hilarious. There was Pumpkin Cake sucking on Whittany's hoof, Pound Cake stomping on her head, Aria sucking face with Brittany and Adagio getting it all on video. My my, this is quite the situation!
While getting the Cake Twins to stop traumatizing Whittany was easy, getting Aria to stop making out with Brittany was impossible. Even though I am an Alicorn princess, it took me ten minutes to get her off of her. Oh well, perhaps Aria got sick and tired of Adagio being the only action she gets.
Once I got them out of my employees' manes and began to lead them towards the portal both of them began bitching about what happened to them. They claimed that since I wouldn't go get them at sunrise that both of them began getting kissed and molested! Guess what, I'm glad. Aria and Adagio might be in better moods for a couple days now. Eventually we got to the cave where the portal was and all I could think was, "Thank Faust, I'm almost done with these little bitches!"
Collecting My Payment
After crossing through this portal we arrived in a place I always wanted to see for myself, Downtown City! Now something strange happened. You know how those girls turned into ponies when they came to Equestria? I figured I would turn into a human when I got there but i was still my normal self, a talking Alicorn walking down the street with the most hated girls in town.
I swear, we got a ton of strange looks but oh well, what are they going to do, flip me off or hurl some mindless insult at me? It took a while but we finally arrived at the Biskit Family mansion and I asked the girls to lead me to where they keep all their pretty, shiny things that are worth a lot of money. The response I would get from them would piss me off. They told me that all of their valuables were in some sort of deposit box in the bank. I call bullshit on that, I can tell by the tone of their voices that they are lying and besides, there are some pretty things the rich like to show off.
Now would come the funny part. As soon as we got inside they began calling out for their daddy and rushed towards what appeared to be his office. Now this is where things got funny. I decided to wait outside of his office while they went in there and started telling him about everything that happened to them in Equestria. How I tore their gums up, how I broke their noses, how Aria and Adagio molested them and how the Cake Twins traumatized them. His response? "Brittany, Whittany, you two are way too old for this childish nonsense! You should have grown out of this a long time ago!" What was even funnier was when he raised his voice, "Why can't you be like that Baxter girl who makes pet clothes? She has a level head and doesn't go claiming she interacts with magical ponies!"
After his rant they ran up to one of their rooms and shut themselves in. I know they have separate bedrooms given how wealthy they are but I couldn't help but wonder what was going to happen. Now if they are anything like Flitter and Cloudchaser, I'm sure that sexy times are going to ensue. Enough about that though, I need to grab something valuable and get home!
I headed to their dining room and in some sort of display case was this golden plate. I took it out and took a good look at it. This thing was solid gold and it had the Biskit Family crest in it. Sweet! This is what I wanted so I took it, quietly left their mansion and flew back towards that portal. I had to get out of town before somepony reported a flying unicorn stealing a plate. Once I got to the portal and flew through, I was back home. I'll admit, I wanted to go check on Blythe and see the pets but I just didn't have the time.
Finally I got back home but I did not head into my house, I headed into my treasury where I store all the pretty, shiny valuable things I love so much. Besides, I can not let anypony see this, especially Lyra because then she would know that Downtown City is real and demand that I take her there. When I do decide to go there, I want to make those trips solo.
Now for a warning to individuals from alternate dimensions who come to see me. Yeah I'll see you but don't expect to get off like Blythe did. The Biskit Twins are a prime example of that and I will follow you home and steal something valuable of yours, well that and if you're an asshole, I'll butcher your teeth and if you're a female, I will make sure that you get molested by Aria and Adagio.
Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
Another weekend had passed, a much shorter one than I would have liked thanks to the Biskit Bitches. I looked over my schedule and noticed that I didn't have anypony scheduled until right after lunch. Good, that way I can sit back, relax and blare my Judas Priest and other metal as loud as I want to. Yes noise complaints were filed but you know what? I don't care! I'm the top pony in the land so if I want to blare my music so loud everypony in town can hear it, I will. Besides, these ponies need to know what good music sounds like. All they listen to is Sapphire Shores and Countess Coloratura.
Ok, enough about my bitching over the music these ponies listen to. Apparently my music must have been heard by somepony because a somewhat tall stallion who wore glasses came in. He had somewhat of a whiny voice but he seemed nice enough. Now I have never seen this pony around before but he seemed rather familiar. I tapped my hoof on my sign regarding payment and he said something about Ralph having chewed up his insurance card. Ralph, Ralph? I began to laugh, "So Leonard, your lab chewed up your card? Well we'll see what we can do anyway."
He seemed shocked that I would know what he was talking about and what shocked me is that Downtown City isn't the only place that there are portals to in this land. Given that I am not only the top princess but the top pony overall in this country, I demanded to know where it was. He told me that he came to Ponyville from a portal to the west of here.
Ok, I'm starting to get concerned about all these portals but enough about that, I have a patient to take care of. I asked him what was wrong and the answer he gave me was all too familiar. He said that his upper molar in the right side of his mouth was hurting. Just like G3.5 Rainbow Dash and Blythe. Oh well, I'm sure I can follow him through his portal and take something. Yeah he ain't rich but I'll find something.
Now surprisingly when I asked him to open his mouth he did so with absolutely no problems! I'm guessing he has been through this before so I was quite relieved. Now his teeth had very little plaque on them but he had one hell of a deep cavity and you know what that means. A pony that came through a portal MUST BE PUNISHED! Like I love to do with so many bad patients, I smacked him a few times but hey, that's just part of the appointment, right? It wouldn't be a true appointment with me if the patient didn't get smacked over a cavity!
Given that I did not have any appointments scheduled until the afternoon, I decided I would just fill the cavity as well. Naturally like every other little pussy would, he shied back when he saw me taking that needle to his mouth to numb it. Oh well, at least he wasn't like that idiot guard who insisted I just rub a numbing agent on the tooth I was working on.
After I finished working on him I demanded that he take me to Happy Valley so I could collect my payment. He gave me a nervous look realizing that I was likely going to want something very valuable. Once we went through the portal, just like it was in Downtown City, he returned to being a human yet I remained a pony. When he led me into his house we were greeted by a woman that I do not like, his mother Agatha....ok everypony, before you go asking how I know about her, I watch Pound Puppies too.
Now this is sad, she began to belittle him for bringing a weird horse into HER house! Weird horse? Oh now that bitch is going to pay! Want to know what I did? I smacked the bitch right in front of her son and knocked her pearl necklace off. Ok, pearls aren't exactly worth that much and certainly aren't worthy of being put in my treasury but hey, I had appointments that afternoon so I just took those and flew off.
As I was flying away she was running after me thinking she could catch me! That is proof that she obviously isn't the brightest bulb in the box but oh well. I received a payment for my services. Maybe I can get twenty bits for the necklace but one thing is for sure, since Pound Puppies has been cancelled, if he comes by again I may just allow him to move to Equestria. I'm quite sure he'd be more than happy to get away from that overbearing bitch of a mother.
Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
Jerrica and Kimber Benton
Another Late Day Annoyance
Another week was coming to a close and I was getting ready to close up shop when two unicorns came in the door. Ugh, not again! I've had to deal with ponies bugging me at the end of the day way too often. The two came in and one mentioned having yellow teeth and the other was complaining about pains in the upper right corner of her mouth. Damn it, why the hell do ponies always have to chew their nasty sweets up in that corner of their mouths? Why can't they just be good ponies and NOT EAT SWEETS!
As you all know I have been way too generous involving staying late taking patients and taking care of them on Saturdays. With these two, I had to be firm. I told them that I had a night out on the town planned with my marefriends. Now these two obviously aren't from Equestria because when I mentioned my marefriends, they gave me the strangest looks and the red maned one asked, "Marefriends?"
I simply asked, "You're not from Equestria, are you?"
The pink maned one replied, "No. We wound up getting chased by the Misfits into a cave and then we somehow wound up here."
Ok, I'm going to have to do something. I don't know who the hell the Misfits are but I'm presuming they are humans. Now like I had said, I'm becoming too much of a softy when it comes to weekend appointments but I told the two to meet me here at 1300 the following day. The two gave me a confused look and I could tell they had no clue what I was talking about. Another sign they are not from Equestria. I sighed, "Just meet me here tomorrow an hour after noon, ok.?"
The two nodded and I headed home a bit irritated. While I did have a fun night on the town planned with Amethyst and Sea Swirl that night, all that I could think about was those two unicorns, what the hell might be wrong with their teeth, where they actually came from and what kind of payment I would get out of them.
The Appointments
Well I had a wonderful night out on the town with my marefriends, I had a good breakfast and of course enjoyed Littlest Pet Shop and My Little Human with my sister and my harem. After that and a filling lunch, I headed over to find those two unicorns standing outside of my practice. Shit, I was secretly hoping that they didn't understand Equestrian time or decided to go bug somepony else. Oh well, I hope they have a way to pay me.
I don't know if I missed this when I first saw them or what but the one with the pink mane had quite a bit of makeup on and the red maned one had some on too, but not as much. Well I decided to take the red maned one back first and she seemed a bit nervous. Well given that she is in a strange land, is suddenly a unicorn and has an Alicorn working on her teeth, I could understand that.
Get this, while she did not have any cavities, her teeth were covered in plaque! Good grief, why can't ponies, well in their case humans, just take care of their damn teeth? Is it too much to ask? Given how bad her situation was I had to use the strongest tooth whitening agent I had and while I could have used that brush with the metallic bristles that I did on the Biskit Twins, this mare seemed nice enough and didn't bitch about anything so I used a normal brush and after thirty long minutes of removing that plaque, she had a set of pearly whites.
Well she thanked me and I headed out to get the pink maned one. While she seemed friendly as well, she seemed kind of nervous as well. She was acting like she was hiding something and I was going to find out what it was. I asked, "You look more nervous than a filly caught with her hoof in a cookie jar. What's wrong?"
She began going on about how she hoped the Misfits hadn't done something to these individuals named Aja and Shana and how she worried about Pizzaz hitting on Rio and stealing him away from her. Ok, I have no idea in hell what she is talking about but it sounds like something ain't right. This pony, well human in her world, is into guys! Ok, this is totally weird because not a lot of mares are into stallions but hey, Cadence WAS until I permanently took her away from Shining Armor.
Now her teeth weren't covered in that much plaque but I saw something that would really piss me off in the upper right hand corner of her mouth, A CAVITY, a very deep one! Shit, and I was in a semi-decent mood but not anymore. Now I was already mad enough at myself for promising I'd take them in on a Saturday but this made matters worse so I did what I do so often, I smacked her, loosening one of these weird earrings of hers that were shinning red. After I did this she shied back and acted like it would be the end of the world if I smacked her again.
Well after numbing her mouth and taking care of that filling, I took them up front to see how they were going to pay me. I had a feeling that they didn't have anything on them...oh wait, the pink maned one has some pretty shiny earrings on that are likely worth a lot of money and you know how attracted I am to that sort of stuff. I'll just take those if I have to.
Discovering Their True Identities
Alright, while I was asking them how they would pay somepony I did not expect came in through the door, my younger sister Lyra. She looked at the two and squealed, "Wow, Jem and Kimber, is that really you?"
My first thought was, Jem and Kimber? Who the fuck are they? Then I figured that they must be characters in one of her comic books since it seems like a lot of them turn out actually existing. Well the two admitted to being who Lyra identified them as but that still didn't answer the question that mattered most, how was I going to get paid.
What happened next was hilarious. My sister giggled, "Colgate, they're rock stars so I'm sure they can afford to pay you!"
Ok, now I know what my plans are. I'm going with them through that portal to where ever they are from and I am taking something. Yes those earrings are pretty but I bet I can take something that I can sell for more money here in Equestria. I'm not sure how much those earrings will go for.
Now for something that would piss me off. I don't know how the hell she managed to do it, but the one Lyra identified as Jem flared up her horn and fired some energy at Lyra. Now this was unacceptable. I levitated her to myself and smacked her hard, knocking those earrings off and discovering something very shocking.
Those earrings must have some sort of freaky magic in them because her mane suddenly went blonde and all that makeup vanished. Now this changes things dramatically! What looked to be earrings that I may not get much for suddenly became earrings that I could make a killing off of. When I tell ponies that they alter your appearance, I'll have ponies begging me to sell them to them.
After this I levitated those earrings to myself and asked, "Hmmm....how much can I get for these?" I then began to laugh, "Who knows, maybe Ahuizotl will need them to do Faust knows what to some corner of Equestria."
Now of course I had one problem, the one known as Jem tried getting them away from me but get this, she suddenly can't access her magic! Sweet, now I can keep these babies, drag their flanks to their portal and send them home. I told them this and Lyra must know enough about their world that she wanted to go through there and meet the rest of the Holograms.
My two patients told her no though because she is worried about what we might do in their world. Oh well, I don't care. I got those freaky earrings as payment and I can send them home. Want to know the best part? I plan on having a hot and raunchy night with my lovelies and maybe I can use these earrings to make things even hotter.
Well I escorted them to the portal and then proceeded to use those earrings that night but it had unintended consequences. Suddenly my face was covered with makeup and even worse, my teeth started hurting! Shit, did those things give me cavities? Well I took them off and my appearance and perfect teeth were restored. Note to self: Never wear those damn things again.
On a final note regarding those things. I decided to hold an auction and when ponies learned about the powers those things have, they finally sold for 200,000 bits! Wow, that is around the same value I got for Cheese Sandwich's kidney! Now what to do about these portals? I'm getting some interesting patients and I'm collecting some rather odd forms of payment but the one those two came from, I'm thinking I may just go drain it of its energy."
Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
As you all know I have had all sorts of patients come in but so far the only one not to come to me in pony form or some other form of what Equestrian creature they are. One day though, I would have some odd patients, who actually scheduled in advance, come in to see me and when they came in I wound up seriously wishing they would have gone somewhere else.
Here is how it played out. It was in the afternoon and I was looking in my schedule and I saw three final appointments, Hydia, Reeka and Draggle. My first thought was, "What kind of fucking names are those?" Right on time, they showed up.
In the door came three incredibly hideous abominations of humans. Come to think of it I think my sister showed me creatures similar to them in her My Little Human comic books but I couldn't be sure. The first thing I noticed though was their stench. Sweet mother of Faust, I had never smelled anything that repulsive before in my life so I quickly ran back and got a mask over my face. Whether it offended them or not I wasn't sure but the first thing I did was tap on the sign regarding payment.
Naturally their response would piss me off. They claimed they didn't have anything to pay me with because they came through a portal and lived in a volcano. What the fuck? How the hell does something live in a volcano. Then it hit me, these three are the witches from Ponyland. At that moment I realized that this was likely going to be a trio of the most disgusting patients any dentist has ever had, in any dimension!
Draggle
The first one I would take back was Draggle. She seemed a bit different from the others. She didn't smell as bad and rather than having a nasty attitude about her, she seemed a bit nervous. Now she wanted to talk but like I have told so many other patients, I told her that she may incur extra charges and that terrified her. She cried about not wanting her mother to abuse her. Now she seems to be old enough that that wouldn't happen but who knows given the nature of her mother.
I got her to open her mouth without any problems and ugh, her breath stunk and her teeth weren't much better. She only had a couple of cavities but her teeth were horribly stained and even worse, she was developing gingivitis. Well shit, there wasn't a ton I could do for that gingivitis but I could take care of those cavities and those yellowed teeth. Want to know the bad thing? Even using my most advanced whitening agent, I could not get her teeth completely clean, that is how bad they were.
I made a decision right then and there, I would use the same equipment on all three of them but then I would dispose of it. I sure the hell did not want anything that was in their mouths inside the mouth of another pony. Believe it or not but getting her taken care of was not all that bad. I could tell she was nervous but chances are she has had to deal with worse things in life, much worse things in life.
Hydia
After I got her done I took Hydia, the mother back. Remember how I said that Draggle's odor wasn't quite as bad, well this one smelled worse, much worse. I honestly thought I was going to throw up in my face mask and I cringed when she sat down in the chair. At that moment I figured, "Not only am I going to have to get new equipment, I'm going to need a new chair as well."
She could tell I was uncomfortable so she happily opened her mouth which only made matters worse. Ok, when she did this I ran back and put a second mask over my face which blocked the stench, well for the most part. With her I also decided to put latex hoof gloves over my hooves because I didn't want to get anything nasty like her saliva in my coat. I was not pleased when she opened her mouth because a majority of her teeth were missing and the few that she did have were in horrible shape.
I gave her a look of disgust and snapped, "You know what? Fuck it, you are missing most of your teeth and the few you do still have are in such bad shape that they are beyond salvaging." I didn't even want to rip the damn things out because I didn't want those nasty things in my garbage.
Obviously she wasn't happy and threatened to cast some sort of spell on me and turn me into something else. Give me a break, a fat ass human cast a spell on an incredibly powerful Alicorn? I simply laughed and burned her with a few bolts of energy. Yeah she screamed in pain but I didn't care. The good thing was that after I finished burning her she cowered down in fear when I lit my horn up for a fifth time. I laughed, "You cast a spell on me? I think not!"
Reeka
Like I said she wasn't thrilled that I wouldn't do anything to address her dental problems but oh well. I sent her out front and grabbed the other daughter. As I led her back I actually began to gag. After getting her set in the chair I went back and put three more masks over my face. I could see the look of disgust on her face when I came back with five masks over my face but you know what?, I don't care. I would need that many just to prevent myself from smelling her.
Like her mother, she gladly opened her mouth and of course I would not be happy with what I saw. I saw that she was missing three teeth and the ones she did have were the filthiest I had ever seen. That wouldn't bet he worst of it though. Between several of her teeth were lodged RAT TAILS! Yes, rat tails. This was so disgusting that I actually wound up throwing up in my face mask and had to rush to the restroom to clean up and get new masks on.
After spending ten minutes recovering from what I saw and getting cleaned up, I put TEN face masks on and headed back out. I gave her a glare and despite me knowing what she did I asked her how the hell she got those tails stuck between her teeth. What she told me would cause me to throw up all over again. She told me that she eats rats, other rodents and bugs ALIVE! Well you probably know what happened when I heard this. I threw up again so I had to go and get cleaned up again!
Now it is official, Reeka is the absolute most disgusting creature of any sort I have ever dealt with. I also decided that I would not take them back to their portal, I decided I would do Ponyland a favor and go throw the three into Tartarus and hope Cerberus didn't leave his post again.
Once I got cleaned up and got more face masks on I took her up front and told the three that I would not bill them anything but I did do something else, I stunned them multiple times.
Getting Rid of Them
I had to keep stunning those three multiple times because I did not want them coming to until I did what I had planned. Once it became completely dark I decided to levitate those three to Tartarus. I know my harem will wonder where am but I know Starlight will keep the girls in line, she is always so good at it.
Once I got them to Tartarus they finally began to come to. Now I had to make an important decision, where to put them. Given that she is the least bad of the three I put Draggle in a cage not too far down in there. Yeah she was scared getting locked up in a cage in there but oh well, I'd think it would be preferable to living in a volcano with her bitch mother and disgusting sister.
Now with Hydia, I took her much, much deeper down because I thought that if she was to be able to get loose, assuming that mutt was to leave his post again, that she might be a genuine threat, well to other ponies' nasal passages anyway.
Now for Reeka, the most disgusting of them. I had special plans for her, very special plans and these would involve not only making life miserable for her, but miserable for an undesirable I made over 300,000 bits off of a while back. I took her to the bottom most bowels of that place and put her in the same cage as Cheese Sandwich!
Now of course he immediately began throwing up bile since he didn't have any food to throw up. Along with that he began screaming that it was bad enough I took organs from him but making him smell her was cruel and unusual punishment. Apparently she knows something about him because she began screaming that putting her in a cage with an annoying party pony was beyond cruel and unusual punishment!
Once I got her locked up I headed back up and told Cerberus that he better not let them, or anything else down there escape or he would not like what I would have in store for him. He nervously agreed and I flew home. Now while I would have loved to go and join my harem for some fun I decided something had to be done first.
After those three were in my practice, I realized that they had probably contaminated it to the point where it could never be cleansed so I had only one option. I torched it and decided that I would simply start from scratch. Now your everyday pony would have been charged with arson but hey, I'm the number one princess so I have nothing to worry about. Yeah it would take a couple of months to rebuild but hey, that will be two consecutive months I'll have with my harem!
In the end it took nearly three months to rebuild my practice but it was all worth it. My new practice is larger than my old one, I have newer, more modern equipment and I have made a decision. I will NEVER take in any patient that filthy ever again. If it doesn't come to me in the form of a pony or some other natural creature that you would find in Equestria, I'm not seeing it! I'll just haul it to Tartarus because it is likely evil.
One more thing though, the next patient I get from Ponyland will be punished severely for this. Who knows, I may go through that portal, drag one back to Equestria with me, work on her and then take something to compensate me for my work and having to deal with those witches. After looking through my sister's comic books, I know exactly who I'm going after. I'll just need to take plenty of sedatives with me.
Author's Note
These three wound up giving me nightmares as a kid.
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Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
Queen Majesty of Dream Castle (More of an account than a rant)
Abducting Majesty
Three months had passed since I torched my practice after seeing those witches and finally, my new practice has been completed, woo-hoo! Of course I have lost money over being closed that long but hey, when you're the top princess a loss in revenue isn't going to hurt that much. Remember how I didn't charge those witches anything but said that the next patient from Ponyland was going to pay dearly? I'm not sure when I'll get another one but I do have a plan. If she won't come to me, I'll go to her! I know where that portal is and I plan on using that to my advantage.
Here is how it all played out. It was early on a Saturday morning and you all know how I am when it comes to me watching My Little Human and Littlest Pet Shop with my lovelies? Well there were no new episodes on and they would show the same ones the following day so I decided I would start my day early. Yes my girls were wondering where the hell I was headed but I simply let them know it was classified. The first thing I did was head to my practice, grabbed a horn cap and my saddlebags. One may wonder why I was not taking any of my equipment but I decided that I would not work on this one in Ponyland. I decided I would bring her here. After all, trying to do work without electricity would not go over very well.
As I headed through the forest I could hear the timberwolves growling but hey, I'm the most powerful Alicorn in existence so one single bolt of energy from my horn would destroy them. Eventually I reached the cave where the portal was and I went through. When I arrived in Ponyland it was probably around midday. Naturally I would have to some aerial recon to find Dream Castle and hope the hell I was not spotted.
Eventually I found Dream Castle by the time late afternoon arrived and unfortunately, I could not just go barging in, disable her magic and take her home with me, or could I? I know Majesty is powerful but once I get this horn cap on her, dealing with her and getting her home will be easy so despite it being a risky move, I headed in hoping to find her.
Now this is something unbelievable, she was sitting in her throne room with nopony else around! I headed in and apparently she was expecting some company but she greeted me by the wrong name. If I remember correctly I think she called me Moonstone but that doesn't really matter because I was able to catch her off guard, flew up to her and got that horn cap on her. Once I got the cap on her and she got a better look at me, she realized I wasn't Moonstone. Want to know the funnier thing, just as I started to levitate her out of there the real Moonstone showed up and saw me carrying her out!
Luckily this pony was the only one who saw me abduct her, in broad daylight no less. Once I got her to the portal we went through and suddenly found ourselves in the Everfree Forest. Good, now I just need to get her to my practice and punish her for those witches coming and contaminating my old one.
The Unscheduled Appointment
One thing I discovered is that while I was in Ponyland no time must pass in Equestria because noon still had yet to arrive which made me very happy. Now once we got into town she started causing a ruckus and everypony started staring at me in shock, wondering what I was doing dragging a unicorn through town. Oh well, they know better than to question me, well those who do not want to get punished in a rather painful way that is.
I swear, for being from a land where ponies aren't supposed to use profane language she sure has a potty mouth, nothing like she is in my sister's old My Little Pony comic books. Hell, maybe Megan got all pissy one day and she learned it from her. Once I got her into my practice and got her secured in the chair I decided that I would finally talk to her and let her know the real reason I brought her here.
Naturally she wasn't thrilled when I told her that I was going to punish her for letting those witches cross into MY country but there was one positive, she did thank me for casting them into Tartarus. Well that is nice and all but she still isn't going to get away with this.
Now I knew that she was an incredibly powerful unicorn given that she rules the roost over in Dream Valley but there was one problem. I didn't see even one pretty when I barged into her castle and I honestly didn't feel like having to take her all the way back there just to get something. Oh well, I'll figure something out.
Now for the appointment, I had to use a stun spell on her just to get her to shut up and sit still. When I got her mouth open I would be thoroughly pissed. Despite her being a queen, she had yellowed teeth and a cavity! It is quite obvious that she doesn't really give a shit about what other ponies think of her. It is either that or they know that if they don't show her love and adoration, that she will vaporize them.
Remember how I stunned her? Well she was in a very peaceful state while I was cleaning her teeth but once I injected the sedatives into her mouth, she let out a loud scream and she smacked me! Yep, she smacked me and now she must be punished! I already have something planned but I'll wait until later to share that. After all, I don't want to spoil the surprise!
Again she started being Queen Potty Mouth and since she smacked me, I smacked her back but much harder. Once she quieted down I got to work on that filling but it would not be easy. She continued to shake her head around, bite down on my instruments and continued to cuss me so I finally decided to give her a general sedative. I had no choice but to sedate her completely to do this.
Once I did that the procedure was a piece of cake. After I finished I just decided I would let her come to. Like I said, I saw absolutely no pretties in her throne room when I abducted her but there is still her treasury. While I could only imagine what she has in there, I honestly didn't feel like going all the way back to Dream Castle and likely having a bunch of pissed off ponies ranting at me so I took a close look at her and realized that rather than taking something worth value from her, I could take something with a whole lot more meaning....well for her anyway.
Collecting My "Payment"
Once she began to come to I decided that I would do something very important, LECTURE HER! There I stood before the scowling queen and began, "You know, for somepony who is in such a high level of power, not to mention loved by all her subjects, you sure let your teeth get in bad shape."
I swear, her response was hilarious. She told me that since she is the Queen of Dream Castle, that she doesn't get cavities. She is just as bad as Celestia, claiming that because of who she was that she wouldn't get cavities. Luckily for me though, she didn't have TiaCare! I would rather become a charity dentist than have to even see one of those damn cards ever again....oh wait, I would rather they try giving me a TiaCare card so I could smack them than go giving out free dental work....that won't pay the bills.
Once she finished her rant I asked her how she was going to pay. Naturally she refused to pay since I abducted her, dragged her to a strange land and smacked her. Hey, she smacked me so she had it coming! Besides, she should be thanking me for filling that cavity. It is UNCOUTH for royalty to have any dental problems.
Something funny came across my mind at first but then I decided to choose against it. I was going to take Majesty back with the horn cap on, take my sister with me and expose Majesty to her subjects for not taking care of her teeth! I would have then convinced her subjects that she was unfit to rule and had Lyra take over in her stead. The reason I eventually chose against it is because I had my concerns about my sister running across that Rainbow Bridge she is always talking about to be with that human that visits Dream Valley. Besides, I would miss my sister.
I was standing there thinking about what I could do until something truly fantastic crossed my mind. I headed to the front desk and called home. Luckily for me Starlight answered and I told her to grab a glass jar and get her flank over ASAP. Just a few minutes passed and my lovely showed up. I led her back to my patient and told her that she didn't have any way to pay me. I then leaned to her hear and whispered, "Starlight, since she can't pay me take her cutie mark and put it in the jar you brought over. I want it as a knick-nack on my mantle.
You should have seen the look on Majesty's face as my lovely unmarked her and that equal sign appeared on her flank. After that I told Starlight to stay and guard it while I took Majesty back to her portal. I removed the cap from her because with that mark, she is mediocre at everything and wouldn't even pose a threat to a newborn.
Get this, all the way back to her portal she was crying about how she wasn't the powerful unicorn her subjects knew and loved anymore! Oh well, it ain't any skin off of my ass and besides, she had to be punished because those witches couldn't pay me! I couldn't just let Ponyland get away with some of their residents not paying me!
I finally got her to the portal and this is when I decided I must drain this portal. After all, I could see her sending some of her goons into Equestria to retrieve her mark. Yeah I'm sure I could handle her whole army on my own but still, that would take time out of my busy schedule. It might cause me to lose some lovelies time, it might make me miss a new episode of LPS or it might make me have to reschedule a few appointments, so I shoved her through and drained that portal.
The good news in the end is that I don't have to worry about bad things coming through that portal. Yes I did enjoy Truly's company when she came through but freaky bubble bath mixes aren't going to pay the bills. The bad thing, well for Majesty anyway, she will be mediocre at everything for the rest of her life, her subjects will likely depose her and her teeth will wind up rotting. Oh well, she asked for this. She begged for it and naturally I gave her what she asked for.
Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
It was a rather slow day when I had a pony come in and while I have seen many different types of ponies come in, ponified people and of course those disgusting witches, this one was a first. A white Alicorn stallion in a business suit came in. Yep, an Alicorn stallion! I didn't even know those existed but I guess even I learn new things every now and then.
Like always I tapped my hoof on my sign regarding payment and this guy handed me an insurance card. The insurance card he handed me was of Blue Cross/Blue Shield of Rhode Island. My first thought was, what the fuck is Rhode Island? Then it hit me, I have heard of that place before. Then I saw his cutie mark and it was the Hasbro logo. Holy shit, how did he get here and how did he know how to find my practice.
I asked him who he was and how he got here. He told me his name was Brian Goldner and that he was the CEO of a toy company named Hasbro. Ok, now I know who this guy is, he is the corporate executive of a company in some weird world where toys of US are made. He gave me an odd look and asked, "How the hell does a background pony become an Alicorn princess who is also a corrupt, bloodthirsty Alicorn dentist?"
Well I couldn't exactly tell him much but he then continued, "Hey, as long as the fan fic writer who corrupted you doesn't make any money off of you in this form, feel free to keep torturing and killing if you wish." Sweet, not only do I have the blessings of LaurFa, but also the head of Hasbro!
Ok, now that I know who the guy is I asked him how he got here and what his problem was. Well apparently there in their offices he has secret portals to multiple worlds and Equestria is one of them. He said he was merely just checking up on things and that while he was here, that he would have me take a look at his teeth.
Fair enough so I led him back to my chair and he opened his mouth. Oh good grief, even the head of Hasbro has bad habits. He had a cavity in the same fucking place so many others do, in their upper right molar! I swear, if he weren't responsible for keeping the franchise going, I would have smacked him. Before I got started though, I did give him a very stern lecture about proper oral hygiene. He must know about my powers because he shied back when I lit up my horn. I still can't help but laugh when he whined, "Please don't hurt me. I just like my sweets!"
Oh alright, so I decided not to hurt him and took care of his problems. Once we got done though I led him upfront to pay and when I ran that card through it read, "unrecognizable card." I figured that would be the case so I asked him if he had anything of value on him. Well given that he went through the portal and became a pony, the answer to that was obviously no. I decided that I would follow him back through that portal and take something.
To accomplish this though I would have to do something I never tried before, an invisibility spell. I simply told him that this appointment was on me and let him go. However, I cast the spell and followed him back to his world. Once we got into corporate headquarters I began to look around and while there was some fancy artwork of characters over the years, there was nothing that would be worth a lot of money so I decided I had only one option, I followed him home.
Damn, I tell you, he has a fancy ass mansion which can mean only one thing, he MUST have plenty of shiny, pretty things that are worth a lot of money. Now for the funny thing, as he headed in I trotted through the door right behind him. I almost gave myself away laughing when he looked around and said, "I could have sworn I heard the hoofsteps of a horse!"
His wife greeted him with an odd look but I'm glad she greeted him. I swear, that diamond on her finger must be at least two karats and that locket around her neck is made of rose gold! Sweet, now I know what I want. There is only one bit of bad news, to get her pretties I would have to stun her. Unfortunately to stun her I would have to be visible and how the hell am I going to get this done without either her or Brian noticing? I've got it! I'll follow her into the bathroom where she'll be alone, stun her and then get out of here!
I had to creep around for about an hour before she finally went where I desired and I did what I had to do to take what I wanted. Yes she shrieked when she saw a blue Alicorn in front of her but oh well. I stunned her, took her pretties, recast the invisibility spell and headed back to the corporate office. Luckily I can unlock doors so I didn't have to break out any windows. Once I got in I headed to the portal and returned home.
Yes that ring and locket is unimpressive compared to the other shiny, pretty valuable things I have in there but about this ring. If I ever decide to disband my harem and marry either Amethyst or Sea Swirl, this huge ass ring will make for a perfect horn ring. Wait a minute, why the hell would I disband my harem? They are fine with me having it now so I'm sure they always will be and the one I didn't marry, would become part of my harem.
Now let this be one last warning to all of you, it doesn't matter where the hell you come from, whether it be another town or a different dimension, I demand to be compensated for the services I render. You can be rich, poor, young, old, attractive, ugly as hell or anything else and if you don't pay me, I will hunt you down and take something if you don't pay me!
Colgate's Rants: Hasbro Franchise Edition
Blythe Baxter (Not really a rant)
It was just another Saturday morning and like we always do, my sister, my marefriends, my harem and myself had gathered around the TV to watch My Little Human and after that, Littlest Pet Shop. I can't help but wonder what was going on because at the end of the season finale, Blythe was being chased by the Biskit Twins though a door.....ooh, an off season cliffhanger! Why must they do this to us, what will happen to Blythe? Well obviously we were upset because we will have to go several months wondering what will happen to our favorite character.
Ok, enough about our obsession with LPS. That afternoon I had a knock on my door so I answered it and in front of me stood a pony I had never seen before, a blue pegasus with a brown mane and a spool of thread and pencil cutie mark. She came to me not to only ask where she was but also to ask me where the nearest dentist was. Now obviously I was not thrilled that somepony would have the audacity to bug me on a weekend. Despite me being disgusted by this, I led her over to my practice where I would be surprised.
Now of course the moment I got her in there I fired up my computer and card reader so I could run her insurance card through and afterwards, if she had one, her debit card for her co-pay. She handed me her insurance card and I was extremely suspicious that this was some sort of stupid prank this young mare was playing on me. The card was issued by Aviators' Family Insurance. Aviators'? What the fuck is an aviator? Well I asked this pony about it and she told me her father is a pilot. I took a closer look at the card and saw something you don't see on most Equestrian insurance cards, a signature of the client. OMG! The signature is that of Roger Baxter! Could it be? Could this actually be Blythe? Well I asked her about it and she told me that she was chased through a portal here by the Biskit Twins.
Holy shit, that happened in the show! I never imagined that there was a portal to Downtown City here in Equestria. After I went all fanfilly and made Blythe think I was an idiot, I asked her about her problem. She told me that a tooth in the upper right side of her mouth hurt. You know something, I didn't even bother running her dad's insurance card through because I never even thought about accepting insurance plans from other dimensions but after this, I may rethink that. Having Blythe as a return customer would be well worth it.
Well I took her back and sure enough, she has a cavity. Now yeah, it does anger me that such a level headed girl would allow herself to get a cavity but I can't stay mad at Blythe! I filled her cavity and cleaned her teeth but I did give her a very stern lecture about brushing her teeth three times a day. Once I had finished her appointment I told her that since she can't pay me that she do one thing, that she lead me to the portal where she came from.
She led me out to the wastelands east of town and showed me an opening in the rocks that led to a cave. In it I saw a grayish vortex and was stunned. While I am ecstatic that this portal is here and now I know how to get to Downtown City, I issued a warning to Blythe. I told her that I would come through every now and then and check on her. I told her that if she did not begin to brush and keep her teeth clean, that I would come through sometime and confiscate Pepper! Hey, who wouldn't want a pet skunk to spray unruly and non-paying bums.
She gave me a nervous smile and told me that just so I would know that she was taking good care of her teeth, that she would come through the portal to see me every six months. Sweet, now Blythe will be one of my regular customers! Of course setting up an agreement for me to accept that insurance of her father's will be tough. I'm not sure if they will do business with a dentist from another dimension and given that there is no exchange rate between Equestrian bits and the US dollar, it will be unlikely but oh well, for Blythe I'll let her see me for free. I'll just jack up Aria and Adagio's rent and overcharge a few ponies to make up for it.
