The Roast of Princess Celestia

by EvilRat

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sunset Shimmer, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna
Length: 1665

Pinkie has special plans for this years Summer Sun Celebration.

It's time for the Summer Sun Celebration. Another stuffy Canterlot event. But Pinkie has special plans to liven things up. A Roast. Celestia agrees, and now her favorite ponies will give it their all to make it a success.

Rated Teen for crude humor.

Edited and Co-written by Dreams of Ponies

Published 2017-02-20 02:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-25 02:01:01 UTC

Roastmaster Pinkie Pie

As Nobles filed into the main castle ballroom, many of them chattered quietly with one another, a nervous speculation of the hours to come. This roast, whatever it was, was a mystery to them, but if the princess had agreed to it, they had no choice but to attend. It was honor enough to have the Summer Sun celebration in Canterlot this year, and for a new event to be added to the celebration wasn’t unheard of. Most looked at the stage, where a raised dais sat, a podium in the center, a large comfortable chair that resembled Celestia’s throne on one side, and several regular chairs arranged in two rows on the other side. As they took their seats, palace staff came around to take drink orders. There were a few gasps of surprise when several bearers of the Elements of harmony seated themselves on the side of the dais, and murmurs cascaded through the crowd when Princess Luna joined them. The last to ascend to the stage was an unknown yellow unicorn, walking with the Princess of Friendship, also took seats there.

After half an hour, many nobles were pleasantly, but only mildly, inebriated. Then a mellow fanfare began to play. Pinkie Pie, the Element of Laughter, came out from the curtain. As she walked up to the podium, the audience gave some polite, if still confused applause.

“Welcome mares and gentlecolts, to the roast of Princess Celestia. We have many special guests, and a few hacks, who think they can tell jokes. I’m looking at you Twilight.” A small wave of laughter stirred in the crowd. “Seriously, she wouldn’t know funny if it slapped her on the flank.”

“I can be funny,” Twilight said with flushed cheeks.

“I know, but looks don’t count. Also tonight, we have Applejack, the Element of Honesty, who honestly couldn’t tell a joke unless it had to do with apples.”

“That’s not what you were saying last night, sugarcube.” Applejack replied with a smirk.

“I know, I was saying ‘Apples don’t go there!’” Pinkie giggled. “Joining us tonight as well is Rarity, the famous fashion designer. Seriously, how do you get those curls in your mane and tail? You could drill holes in the ground with them!”

“Better than the rat’s nest on your head and rump. You look like you style your mane with a cotton candy swirler.”

“Yep! It makes me look as tasty as I actually am. At least I don’t use so much makeup it makes me look like a ghosty, oh wait, that’s your normal coat color. No wonder the stallions are scared of you!”

Rarity magically added a coat of blush into her pallet of white and purple.

The crowd was roared with laughter. “Our next guest is Rainbow Dash, undisputed fastest lay in Equestria.”

“Damn right, I can get any mare or stallion off in ten seconds or less.”

“And by getting off, she means get them to say ‘Get off of me.’” Pinkie blew a raspberry at Dash. “Next up is Fluttershy, with a love of animals that's kinda creepy.”

“Much like your love of baked goods,” the butter-yellow pegasus called back at her. ”Do you prefer them because they’re sweet, or how you use them to ‘fill your oven’?”

Pinkie paused for a moment, then broke into laughter. “Oh gosh, I can’t even make a comeback to that. One of our special guests tonight is one of the princess’s former students, who traveled here from another world, where weird bipedal creatures are in charge, Sunset Shimmer. So Sunset, is it true they have ponies there too?”

“Yes, but they can’t talk or think like we do,” the bacon haired unicorn said as she looked at Pinkie.

“Good for you I guess, that means they can’t say no.”

Sunset just squeaked and did a spit take with the water she was drinking. She started to sputter out a response, but couldn’t get the words out.

“Our other special guest is the sister of our roastee, Princess of the night, Guardian of dreams, Princess Luna.” The crowd got up and applauded. “She is the one watching when you touch yourself.”

“You would know as often as you do it,” Luna snarked.

“I’m thinking of you every time baby,” Pinkie said with a wink.

“I know.”

“Now that you’ve met our roasters, let’s meet our roastee. She is the Princess of the sun, the ruler of our land (at least during the day), and the mare who will send you to the moon, Princess Celestia!” With that announcement, the mare in question came through the curtain, smiling and waving to the crowd. She crossed the dais and sat on the throne, still waving. “Tonight, these mares are going to roast the Princess...”

Just then, there was a flash of light next to Celestia. Suddenly, Discord was standing there, wearing a bib with Celestia’s cutie mark, holding a knife and fork. “Celestia, it’s what’s for dinner!”

“Wrong kind of roast Dissy.” Pinkie said.

“Darn.” And with that, Discord disappeared in another flash.

The crowd laughed as bottles of cider disappeared one after another. Pinkie looked out and smiled. This was going to start a whole new type of party for ponies all over Equestria. She looked at Celestia, locked eyes for a moment, before both gave a slight nod.

“Now, for those of you who haven’t figured out what we are doing here tonight, Princess Celestia has agreed to let these friends of hers, and her sister, to make jokes at her expense, entirely for your enjoyment. Remember, dear ponies, that this is all in good fun, and that no feelings were hurt in the making of this comedy show. So sit back, remember to tip your waiters, and laugh until you fall out of your seat.” The crowd loosened up a bit more.

Princess Celestia stood up for a moment to address the crowd. “Everyone, I agreed to this with full knowledge of what was to happen. I want to make sure you know this, so no one takes things that are said too seriously. This is just a fun diversion before I raise the sun.”

“And, we fully support audience participation, as long as you keep it funny. No personal attacks, just have fun. Up first, she’s the Element of Loyalty, the newest Wonderbolt, and the only pony to ever do a Sonic Rainboom. I know she's a real funny mare, so please give it up for Rainbow Dash.”

Rainbow got up and slowly walked over to the podium. She waved to the crowd before she gave Pinkie a hug, who then hopped over to the one seat that had been empty during the intro.

Author's Note

Feel free to suggest jokes, and hecklers, in the comments. The ponies already named will be the roasters, but anypony can heckle. Thanks for reading, the chapters for the roasters will be individual to make it easier to keep track of, so the next few chapters will be a bit short, but should come quickly. The last chapter will be longer, since it's Celestia's chapter.

Rainbow Dash

Dash strutted up to the podium, a huge grin plastered on her face. She waited for the loud applause to die down, then leaned toward the microphone. She cleared her throat, a small moment to compose herself, though she was sure that her jokes would be the best of the night.

“Pinkie Pie, everyone, the living embodiment of a sugar high.” Pinkie simply leaned back in her chair and blew a raspberry at Dash. “What can you say about Sunbutt. Other than that her butt is the size of the sun. Really Princess, your rump is so big that stallions have to coat it in flour and look for the wet spot.”

Several ponies went silent in shock. Then Celestia burst into laughter, a warm crackle that eventually eased other ponies nerves enough for them to start chuckling themselves.

“And seriously, how long has it been since any stallion has scaled that massive mountainous plot? What kind of equipment do you need to conquer and mount Celestia?”

Celestia simply replied, “Not as long as it’s been for my sister.”

Luna blushed before making a rude gesture at her sister.

“So what? About a thousand years? Where would you even find one that could mount you? I mean, you're the tallest pony, mare or stallion, anywhere in Equestria. Even Big Mac couldn’t get up that high.”

“Your father had no problem,” Celestia retorted with a smirk.

“I wonder how he stayed up there with his wings stiff? But as fat as your rump is, I’m also wondering how she managed to find the cake batter with all that frosting.”

The crowd was roar with laughter as the banter bounced back and forth. Now that could see that none of the ponies, even the royal sisters, were taking any real offense at the jokes, all the tension seeped from the room, replaced with goofy grins and watering eyes.

“My time is almost up, so let me close with this. Princess, you are the best ruler anypony could hope for. You’re kind, fair, and can take a few jokes at your expense. I mean even vote for you when Luna establishes the Lunar Republic in a few years!”

Celestia cracked a wide grin, chuckled a bit, and then gave a nod. She had been looking for ways to make herself more approachable to the masses, and it looked like this was the perfect way to do it.

Dash turned away from the podium, and Pinkie bounced up to take her place once more. “Let’s hear it for Rainbow Dash.”

The applause almost shook the building. “Next up, the Princess of friendship, the former student of Celestia, Twilight Sparkle!” With that, Pinkie went back to her seat. Twilight got up and walked to the podium, a small set of saddlebags on her back.