I mean... As Far as Dumpsters Go...
Starlight Glimmer sat at in a chair as the bright, cloudless Ponyville day warmed her shiny purple coat. However, she saw none of the beautiful day, on account of all the face down in a salad she was. “I’m just… sooooo upset right now,” she cried out. Her voice slightly muffled from the salad.
Sitting in chairs at the same table, Trixie and Spike exchanged quick, concerned glances.
Spike spoke up first. “Well… It worked…”
Starlight bolted upright, several leaves of lettuce sticking to her face and bits of a baby carrot crushed against her horn. “Yes, but how?! Why?!”
Trixie gave her friend a slightly incensed look. “Trixie told you it would work!” Trixie leaned back in her chair and motioned to herself dramatically. “You should have more faith in me!” Trixie shook her head. “Besides! It was your idea!”
“I was thinking like… a simulacrum spell!” Starlight cried.
Spike shook his head. “No way. You’ve still got restricted magic privileges after you unclogged the toilets!”
“But I did unclog the toilets!” Starlight whined.
Spike narrowed his eyes. “Yeah. By turning the clogs into some strange, orange shouting terror dump monster!”
Trixie cocked an eyebrow at Spike. “What?”
Starlight let out a groan and returned her face to the salad.
“Yeah,” Spike said. “It was after this big chili cook-off Twilight held at the castle. Multiple toilets got clogged. Starlight ‘fixed’ it by removing the clogs and somehow giving them sapience.”
Starlight emerged from the salad with more lettuce attached to her face and a cherry tomato crushed against her forehead. “It was an accident!” she cried as she threw her hooves up in the air. “I just wanted the clumps to dispose of themselves outside somewhere! How was I supposed to know it’d be able speak?!”
Forehead wrinkled, Trixie glanced at Starlight then back at Spike. “Well… What happened?”
“Twilight took a page out of Starswirl the Bearded’s book and banished it to another world,” Spike said.
“Huh…” Trixie uttered. “Well… that’s one way to fix the problem, I suppose.”
Spike and Starlight cringed.
“… Okay… what is it now?” Trixie asked.
Spike scratched the back of his head. “The multi-clog ended up running for like… some sort of important election office in that world… and won…”
“… Oh?” Trixie said.
Starlight nodded. “I’ve never seen Sunset so angry before… And, oh boy, she knows angry.”
Spike nodded. “Yeah, that was a pretty harrowing trip to the ER, for sure.”
Starlight chuckled. “She was so mad she even demanded Twilight compensate her for the baseball bat she broke on Twilight’s face.”
“Really…” Trixie purred. “Perhaps you two can enlighten Trixie on how else Twilight has screwed up.”
“Sure!” Starlight said as her eyes flew open angrily and she cocked her head. “Well just today she mistook an inanimate object her one and only friendship student!”
Spike and Trixie moaned and leaned back in their chairs.
“Man, are you still on that?” Spike groaned.
Starlight threw her forehooves up into the air. “A dumpster fire, Spike! I somehow got out of my friendship lessons because Trixie found a random dumpster and you set the insides on fire!”
Trixie narrowed her eyes. “Random?! Trixie spent all morning scoping out the different dumpsters in Ponyville! This one was the best, THE BEST dumpster in Ponyville! Maybe even Equestria!”
Starlight groaned and returned her face to the salad.
Spike nodded in agreement. “It is a really nice dumpster.”
Starlight practically exploded out of her salad, crushed croutons all over her face. “But it’s a dumpster! A dumpster with a raging fire inside of it!”
Trixie let out an annoyed huff. “I really don’t see what your problem is.”
“Yeah!” Spike agreed. “The dumpster fire did so well, Twilight said that you’re done with friendship lessons forever! She even threw that big party for you!”
“For the dumpster fire, you mean!” Starlight snapped. She covered her face with her forehooves. “And even worst, nopony could tell the difference between the dumpster fire and me! In fact, I think they like it better than me!”
Trixie shrugged. “Who doesn’t like a good dumpster fire?”
Starlight raised her left hoof up into a shrug. “Oh, I don’t know… Anypony who doesn’t like the smell of burning garbage?!”
Spike and Trixie looked at each other and cringed.
Starlight furrowed her brow. “What?”
Trixie turned her head and began to whistle.
“What?” Spike said. “Oh, noth—”
“Spit it out!” Starlight demanded.
Spike swallowed. “Erm… well…”
“You can stand to bathe more often!” Trixie exclaimed. “There… Trixie said it…”
Starlight fired off a confused glare at the other two at the table. “But… I shower every day.”
Spike and Trixie cringed again and began to shiver slightly.
“Oh…” Spike uttered. “That’s just… that’s just your natural musk…”
Starlight’s eye twitched. “I… I think I need some time alone in my room… I have a sudden urge to destroy the world again…”
Trixie went back to whistling as Spike wrung his hands nervously.
“Oh Celestia… Now what?!” Starlight fumed.
“… Twilight gave your room to the dumpster fire,” Spike explained.
“Twilight thinks I’m the dumpster fire… Er… I mean she thinks the dumpster fire is me…”
“Right… so… funny you should phrase it like that…” Spike began.
“Hey, guys!” Twilight called out as she trotted up to the group, a dumpster cheerily following Twilight as the insides danced with attractive and comforting fire. “Starlight and I were… Why are you two having lunch with a dumpster fire?!”
“OH THAT BUCKING TEARS IT!” Starlight roared as she got up out of her chair and began to storm off. “I’M GOING TO REDUCE THIS WORLD TO SLAG!”
“Wait!” Trixie cried. “Trixie wanted to know if you were going to finish that salad!”
“NO! Have at it!”
“Trixie meant the salad on your face!”
A week later there was a memorial service for Starlight Glimmer who bravely and selflessly gave up her life to save the entire planet. Ponies and other races traveled across Equestria just to express their deep, deep regret over the loss of one the planet’s greatest heroes ever… of all time.
Not one to give up on the power of Friendship, however, Twilight Sparkle has taken a raging dumpster fire as her student.
