The Caped Baldy vs. Lily Longsocks

by Emperor

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure
Length: 4488

Saitama wakes up bored one day, only to find a portal in his room. Being Saitama, he walks straight through it. In the new world, he meets a young filly name Lily Longsocks who is as strong as he is. Of course they get into a fight.

One day, Saitama wakes up bored, only to find a portal in his room. Being Saitama, he doesn't investigate it with scientific curiosity: he walks straight through it. On the other side, he meets an odd young female pony who is somehow as strong as he is. Surely the two will come to chat cordially with one another?

Of course they get into a fight.

Cover art by alumx used with permission

Very likely falls within E-rating. T-rating is just to be on the very safe side for a couple of darker lines.

Day 21 of my Self-Imposed 28 Fics in 28 Days Challenge

Published 2017-02-22 08:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-02-22 08:00:01 UTC

Chapter 1

The warm morning air woke Saitama up as he rolled over on his futon.

Oh, I’m up now. Ho-hum, he thought as he opened his eyes, blinking out the sweat that coated him. He looked up at the ceiling, and found himself tracing one of the stain-like shapes in the material. Idly, he put one of his fingers in his ears, wiggling it about to dig out earwax. Maybe I should turn on the AC today. Nah.

He blinked as he continued staring at the ceiling. Then he stopped blinking, too lazy to even do that. Bored, bored, bored! I wish something would happen around here.

Swoosh!

The noise was enough to get him to sit up and take interest. “Oh, there appears to be a portal in my doorway. Neat,” Saitama said. “I wonder where it leads?” A grove of trees could be clearly seen on the other side of the portal, though any more detail than that was out-of-sight.

It was something to do, however, so Saitama got up and changed into his superhero costume, donning his yellow jumpsuit and white cape, as well as his buckler and gloves. “Oh, I should probably let Genos know where I’m going.” He looked around for something to write with, and settled for a green marker.

Gone through the portal, hopefully back in time for dinner.

Then he walked through the portal, falling into another world entirely.

Saitama blinked, then scratched his nose with a finger. His stomach rumbled. “Maybe I should have ate something before I left. I wonder if there’s something around here I can eat.”

He walked away from the portal and into the copse of trees, and peered out into the distance. There were more and more trees, but a good distance of open space as well. Saitama sniffed the air. I wonder if there are any monsters around. Something with lots of tender meat that’ll last a few weeks in the fridge would do. Ahh, why did Chicken Man have to be so small?!

Saitama continued to walk through the trees, exiting out a meadow. “Oooh, horsie! I wanna pet it!” He said excitedly as he saw a small horse walking around. He couldn’t really tell its gender, given he was a human and it was a horse, but Saitama defaulted to it being a girl. After all, she was pink with purple hair, and those were usually girl colours, right?

Then he got closer, and noticed that the horse had a ball in her mouth, and her hair was braided up in twin-tails. What was more, there was an intricate tattoo marking on her back thigh, of a hedgehog of all things. “Oh, she must be someone's horse then. I wonder where her owner is,” Saitama said, looking around, but not finding anybody else around.

However, his words were loud enough to catch the attention of the horse. She turned around, and suddenly, the horse squeaked and backed away from him, and spit out the ball in her mouth into her hooves. “Wh-what are you?”

“Heheh,” Saitama said, rubbing the back of his head, unknowingly making himself look creepier than he already was. “My name is Saitaima. I’m just your normal neighborhood guy who’s a hero for fun.” Isn’t that something? Talking horses. Ah, darn, I doubt something as cute as her is a monster. Saitama had no idea why there was an intelligent talking horse around, just that there was one in front of him. Well, no big loss if I can’t eat them. Horse meat never tasted good anyways, even with lots of sauce.

The horse backed away even more, keeping her distance. “You’re creepy, that’s what you are,” she said.

Saitama instantly felt a pall cast over the forest. He clasped his hands over his head. Even a little horse girl doesn’t think I’m cool! Saitama despaired of ever building a proper fanbase when his lack of hair seemed to be a turn-off even to a horse. “Even a horse doesn’t think I’m cool,” he wailed, this time expressing his sentiment out loud.

“I’m not a horse, I’m a pony,” said the self-proclaimed pony, who hadn’t budged since she last spoke, apparently judging her distance to be safe enough.

“Ooh, a pony, that’s even better,” Saitama said, his depression instantly evaporating as he started plotting ways to pet the pony. Unknown to him, his creepy smile was showing again. “What’s your name, my little pony?”

“I’m Lily Longsocks, but I shouldn’t talk to you. Mom said I shouldn’t talk to strangers.”

“Well, I already introduced myself! I’m Saitama. I’m your regular neighborhood guy who’s just a hero for fun.”

Lily did something with her mouth Saitama could only approximate to the equivalent of a frown. “I’ve never seen you around in my neighborhood.”

Under other conditions, Saitama would relapse into depression. However, he had already deduced that he was far away from City Z, and so this ‘Lily’ wouldn’t have heard of him anyways. The amount of trees around him was one solid indicator, given there were only a few tiny parks in City Z. “Well, I’m a B-class member of the Hero’s Association. Does that mean anything to you?”

Lily the pony shook her head. “No. What do you do?”

“Well, I go around beating up monsters. Ah, for fun, of course,” Saitama added, scratching his cheek. He grimaced. The fabric of his glove didn’t scratch as well as a bare fingernail.

“Oh, like a bugbear then,” Lily said, suddenly hopping up onto her back hooves. Amazingly, she was able to keep upright after a few seconds, ball still in her front limbs.

She’s amazing. I definitely have to pet her! Saitama thought, and had to stop himself from drooling. “What’s a bugbear?”

“Oh, it’s a bear with the bottom of a bug! It has wings like a bug and antenna like a bug a stinger like a bee, but it has four arms and two legs and its face is so scary, it looks just like a bear, but thankfully the Princess and her friends stopped it, I was so worried that I might have to go out there and fight it, I mean, I could probably beat it, but it was so scary-looking, it had menacing eyes and the stripes of black and white just made it look so intimidating, and—”

“Shut up already! Get to the point!” Saitama yelled. He hated it when people kept on talking and talking.

Saitama quickly had an inkling he had done the wrong thing as the pony, a filly as he now remembered young female horses we called, suddenly started sniffling. Seconds later, Lily started outright crying. “Waaaahhhh!”

“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Saitama said awkwardly, not really used to trying to comfort people. Even during the monster attacks that killed people in City Z and elsewhere, he usually left it alone at stopping the attack itself, leaving the rescue and clean-up efforts to others. On the other hand, maybe I can do this? He walked forward and started patting the filly’s head. Huh, this isn’t that bad. “There, there, I’m not a bad guy, see?!”

“Don’t touch me!” Lily reacted, and she punched him with one of her hooves, pushing Saitama back. The pink-and-purple filly gasped, and Lily bounded forward. “Oh, I’m so sorry mister Saitama, I shouldn’t have done that! Wait, you’re not injured?”

Saitama barely heard her words, merely looking at his forearm. The pony had merely punched him to get him away, but the attack had stung. He actually felt it.

He looked up to the little pony, who was still crying, but also seemed surprised for some reason. “Hey, you,” Saitama said. “You have monsters around here. Do you fight any of them?”

“Wha—no, I could never!” Lily said, her tears beginning to dry up.

“But why? You’re clearly strong,” Saitama pointed out. The idea of not fighting monsters was baffling to him, having challenged Crablante before Saitama had put himself through a single day of physical training.

“No I’m not!” Lily protested. Her denial was weakened by her stomping her hoof against the ground, and the very real shockwave that could be felt.

Saitama was quickly piecing everything together. This pony was apparently hiding her strength for whatever reason, and was able to punch Saitama hard enough to sting. He didn’t really consider himself a jerk, but in this case, he saw a tantalising opportunity.

“If I were a bad guy, then I suppose I might do something like this,” Saitama said, as he quickly grabbed the ball out of her hooves and then held it high up above her head. “Eheheh.”

“Hey! Give that back!” Lily said. She tried to reach, grabbing his pantleg and trying to stretch for the ball, only to quickly realise she was far too short. Her withers only came up to Saitama’s waist, and standing up, she couldn’t even reach his shoulders. “Please, that’s my ball!”

Saitama stood there. He tried to act stoic, but what really came out was another creepy laugh. “Eheheh.”

“Please, give it back, you meanie!” The pink-and-purple filly was crying again, her green eyes trembling with panic.

“I got your ball right here,” Saitama gloated as he waved the ball left and right, just slightly out of her reach and then back up again, as he attempted to goad her.

“You! Give me it!” Lily shouted. Suddenly, she stomped her rear hoof again, and then she lashed out, smacking Saitama across his abdomen with her front hoof.

Saitama wasn’t even able to hold onto the ball as he practically flew through the air, smashing into a tree, followed by another tree, then another and yet another. He stopped counting after about the seventh tree. Then, sensing he wasn’t going to slow down any moment soon, he twisted his body around and grabbed the ground with his gloves. The momentum behind the punch was so great that his hands tore a deep gouge in the earth before finally he came to a complete stop, and stood on his feet.

There was an unfamiliar sensation to him that he couldn’t put a finger on. His body was reacting, telling him something about the area on his torso where he was hit. It was like the sensation when he would thump his tummy after a hearty meal, only magnified a thousandfold. It was…

Saitama blinked. Oh, right. That’s what pain feels like, isn’t it?

He chuckled. Then he started laughing out loud. To think the first person who would be able to do this to him would be a small female horse from what he suspected was another world entirely.

“You weren’t knocked out by that punch? Wait, why are you laughing? Are you being creepy again?” Lily asked as she galloped into the area Saitama had been knocked into. He couldn’t really tell whether she was worried or angry, with her equine expressions on a muzzle instead of a flatter face.

“Oh, I’m just so happy, I finally found someone who can actually hurt me,” Saitama said. Yes, and he was excited too, and there was that feeling of adrenaline pumping through the blood. “How about it, Lily? I’m strong enough to take your punches. You don’t need to worry about me judging you.”

The filly was taken aback by Saitama’s words. Saitama didn’t need to be an expert at equine emotions anymore. He could tell just from Lily’s green eyes that she was struggling. It was clear now that even for whatever species she hailed from, Lily’s strength was abnormal, and she had to repress it day-to-day. However, something lurked deep inside this pony who called herself Lily Longsocks.

Then she blinked, and she nodded. “Let’s see how strong you are, mister Saitama,” Lily said, and with another blink, she was gone.

Saitama had to throw his arms up again to block Lily’s first attack. He was expecting it, yet he still slid back several feet, his boots tearing another gouge in the ground as dirt sprayed up around him. Peeking through his arms, Saitama saw Lily going for another punch, and quickly side-jumped to avoid the attack. The filly did a weird contortion as she tried to turn around and keep pace with him, only for Saitama to deliver a blow to her. At the last second, he held back the amount of strength in his punch to the bare minimum. Just because she can hit really hard doesn’t mean she can take it as easily, he reasoned, deciding to test her resilience before going all-out. He didn’t want to accidentally kill her.

His punch was still enough to send Lily reeling, and she flew through the air, only to grab onto a tree. The tree came out of the ground instead, with Lily’s death grip on it pulling it forward with her as well. The filly thought fast and threw the tree in the direction she was flying, with the backwards propulsion slowing her down. She still hit the ground running hard with lots of kinetic energy pent-up in her body, but ran up a large tree and backflipped off to end her skidding.

Saitama was impressed. The last person to withstand a single minimal-power punch of his had still lost an arm, though Boros also regenerated it. This filly, Lily Longsocks, not only withstood it, she didn’t even appear injured.

“Is that all you got?!” The pony sneered. Were they not fighting, Saitama would have laughed. Lily looked far more cute and adorable than she did angry in trying to sneer.

Instead of words, he answered by jumping forward, twirling around in mid-air before bringing his leg down for a kick, only for Lily to block it with a hoof. Saitama felt the vibrations from the block reverberate through his bones, and he used the recoil from the meeting of the limbs to backflip away, landing on the side of a tree, before kicking off and onto the ground.

Saitama then ducked as a tree flew right through where his chest would have been.

Wow, she’s not holding back, eheh, Saitama scratched his cheek as Lily tore another tree out of the ground. Idly, he noted both trees she had torn out were dead ones instead of living trees. This time, however, Lily didn’t throw the tree at him. Instead she swung the tree at Saitama. He quickly got his arms up again to cover his chest. “Oof,” he grunted as he was sent sprawling backwards again. Through his vision, he could see that the tree had broken in half on impact, having taken more damage than Saitama himself.

Saitama grit his teeth as he landed. Not giving the pony a chance to attack him again, he punched the ground. Immediately, the earth began to tremble, and Saitama could see a fissure form in the ground, radiating away from where he had punched it. The fissure split into multiple cracks as the energy from the punch continued to travel, and suddenly the ground opened under Lily.

“Ah!” The filly cried out in surprise as she was buried alive. Saitama didn’t let the time he had bought go to waste, as he bent forward and scooped a large boulder out of the earth. It wasn’t as big as he was hoping for, but it would do. He waited for a few seconds, daring Lily Longsocks to exit her subterranean grave.

Lily didn’t disappoint, quickly popping back above ground, and Saitama immediately threw his large rock at her. What he hadn’t expected was Lily had brought her own boulder with her from below ground, and she threw it at him as well.

The sound of the two boulders colliding in mid-air was loud. It was also more high-pitched than either of them expected, with the grinding of rock against rock at such velocities it sounded like scratching against a blackboard. Even worse than that was the cracking of both boulders under the incredible forces they had impacted one another with.

Saitama was quick to throw himself to the ground, covering his eyes with his arms and cape. He didn’t know if his eyes were vulnerable to damage in this fight, but the filly had already actually made Saitama feel pain again, and it was so, so exciting! Even with his eyes protected, he could still feel the many tiny shards and fragments of rock dig into his backside. Actual pain was something that had been so long since he had experienced, the sensation was still more an exotic novelty than something that could slow him down.

Quickly, Saitama stood back up, shaking his cape to get rid of many of the rocks that had gotten caught in it. He quickly looked at the meadow they stood in. A hail shower of pebbles had littered the ground with dirt, dust and stone, and branches and twigs could be seen everywhere. The marks of the fissure Saitama had made in the ground were also present.

“I guess you could say that last attack was a little rocky, ba-dum-tsh!” Saitama joked.

“Haha?” Lily asked, not sure whether she was supposed to be laughing or not. The filly was breathing hard, with dirt in her mane and coat. Saitama had no idea what horses sweating was supposed to look like, but he imagined Lily to be doing just that.

“I see you managed to dig yourself out of a tight spot, ba-dum-tsh!”

Lily frowned at the second joke, more clearly aimed at her. “That’s no—” Her voice seemed to be dry, and she coughed for a few seconds as it cracked up on her. She looked back up and croaked, “That’s not funny.”

“You should get a little bit of water if you're coughing. I guess you could say you’re...a little hoarse! I can lead a horse to water, and I bet I can get her to drink it too!”

The filly rolled her eyes. “Did you get what you wanted, mister Saitama?”

Saitama considered the question. He pressed his gloved hand against his chest. His heart was beating fast. Saitama was startled when it took him a few seconds to realise this was his body reacting for once to something stimulating, to being hard-pressed. This sensation...I really am excited. But no, not yet. This wasn’t even two full minutes of fighting.

Still, he had other considerations. Much as it annoyed Saitama to think about it, he had no idea what the portal was. He had just walked through it on a whim and ended up here. Saitama didn’t know if he could punch a hole through worlds, if indeed he was in a separate land altogether like all the B-movies he watched suggested, and he didn’t want to risk getting stuck here if the portal suddenly just up-and-closed.

But he knew there was still one more thing to do. Rising up on his feet again, he shook his head. “Almost. I’m almost there. I feel...satisfied, almost, but you’re still holding back, aren’t you?”

Lily turned her head away. Saitama knew that gesture. It was the same he had done when Boros said he knew about Saitama holding back on his own power.

“One last attack from each of us,” Saitama suggested.

The filly’s eyes burned with fire, even through all the gray and brown that marred her previously pleasant-looking purple-and-pink. “No holding back,” Lily warned. She knew he was still pulling his punches, much like him.

A leaf dropped to the ground, kicked up into the ground from the earlier shattering of the stones.

The two moved.

Lily jumped into the air, swinging her back flanks around to impart more velocity into the force of her buck.

Saitama drew forth, and threw the most powerful punch he could muster.

In the moment, neither missed the irony of how this was a reversal of earlier, with Saitama kicking and Lily punching with her front hooves.

Their strikes collided, and the world exploded.

Huh. Why can’t I hear anything?

Oh, right. That’s what deafness is about.

Wait, why am I deaf?

Saitama panicked for a second, but finally he could hear something again, only for it to be followed by a ringing in his ears. It was an annoying sensation, but he knew it would pass.

He looked over at the filly, sitting on the ground next to Saitama. Lily was busy tilting her head, hitting her ears with her hooves as if doing so would clear them up as well. His target so close and vulnerable, Saitama put his hand up and started petting her on the head. Ehhhhh, this is so nice. Who knew ponies were so pettable?

Lily startled at the sudden sensation. She turned around, only to calm down as she saw who it was. At least she didn’t think he was creepy anymore, or so Saitama hoped.

Eventually, the ringing in Saitama’s ears cleared up, and he stood up. He was content. Not only had he gotten to pet the pony, but Saitama had also gotten a good fight, one that had actually pushed him to use his strongest attack, and his opponent hadn’t even been turned into red paste. With luck, Saitama could fight Lily again in the future. He wasn’t one hundred percent certain but he was still mostly confident she wasn’t a fully-grown pony, which meant she might get even stronger yet.

“Ah, excuse me, mister Saitama?” Lily called out to him.

“Hmm?” Saitama turned around.

Lily prodded her front hooves together nervously in what he thought was the cutest thing he had seen that day, having already seen a few cute things. “Ah, where did you come from, mister Saitama? I never thought I would meet anypony as strong as I am.”

“Oh. Sure. Follow me,” Saitama said. He didn’t bother looking behind him as he walked away, but he could feel the filly following him.

It was a short walk from the site of their battle to the portal. “This is where I came from,” Saitama said, pointing at the other side of the portal, which showed the inside of his apartment unit. He turned over and bent at his knees to face Lily, and wagged a finger at her. Lily seemed confused by what the gesture meant. “You can’t come with me. I don’t think you’ll like it over there. There’s monster attacks every day, but to a lot of people you would look just like a monster.”

Lily did that weird frown-like motion with her muzzle again. “Will you be able to come back again? I...I really enjoyed fighting you.”

“I don’t know,” Saitama said, not bothering trying to lie for some silly reason like cheering her up. “I will try. I enjoyed fighting with you too.”

“Oh. Well,” Lily fidgeted. “Um, goodbye then, mister Saitama. Come back again if you can!” She said. The pink-and-purple filly sat down on her back haunches. With her front limbs free, she waved a hoof as Saitama walked away and back into the portal. To her glee, it didn’t disappear right away.

Then Lily considered that she might have to hide the portal. Looking around, she got to tearing some dead trees and piling them around the portal, making sure not to touch the portal itself.

“Saitama-sensei, I’m here! I brought meat on sale!” Genos said as he knocked on the door.

“Sure, come in.”

Genos paused. The tone of his master’s voice sounded...off, somehow. To normal human beings, Saitama would sound no different than usual, but Genos, as a cyborg, was able to distinguish between musical notes with absolute clarity. Saitama almost sounded enthused, if Genos were to guess. But that was preposterous. Even during the invasion of the aliens, Saitama had been non-plussed. The only thing that really seemed to get his blood boiling were monsters attacking the innocents.

He grimaced, but Genos pushed the door open anyways. Immediately, his bionic eyes narrowed in on the portal, and the processors interacting with his natural human brain started to analyse, going so crazy with information Genos nearly had to terminate their operations and reboot them.

“Oi, Genos, think you can tell me how to keep that portal stable?”

The cyborg barely paid attention, as Genos continued to look the portal over.

“So, can you?” Saitama asked, and Genos only now noticed he was chopping up vegetables to toss into their planned stir-fry.

“Saitama-sensei, I think there are more important issues than keeping a portal stabilised, like, ‘What made this appear?’, ‘Why is it still here?’, ‘Where does it lead?’, ‘Who or what exists on the other side?’, and so many questions that I can’t believe you’re so calm!”

Saitama ignored Genos, merely wanting to know if he could go back through the portal and fight that filly, Lily Longsocks again. He went to chip another carrot, only to wince. His fingers were still numb, with occasional sharp jolts of pain like a hundred needles were pricking his skin all at once. Pain was an unfamiliar sensation, but he was quickly beginning to remember why he didn’t like it.

That Lily really had done some damage, but Saitama knew he would look forward to another fight with her.

“Lily, where were you? Were you playing in the mud?” Twist asked.

“Hmm? Oh, no. Just had a little bit of excursion in the forest,” Lily said, her ball balanced on her back, smiling at her poofy-maned friend. Twist was one of her few friends Lily felt comfortable with knowing about her powers. Twist seemed absolutely fine with it: after all, Lily didn’t make fun of her lisp, and that was all that mattered to the other filly.

“What, were you uthing your thuper-thrength again?” Twist asked, her lisp acting up.

“Oh, something like that,” Lily said, feeling contented as she continued to walk home, intent on getting a bath before her mother saw her state and screamed bloody murder. Lily supposed somepony like Princess Twilight would investigate the site of their battle, and Lily wanted to wash up before anypony else saw her and connected her dirty, grimy state to the wrecked meadow. “I feel a little more comfortable with my strength now.”

She winced as her back hooves touched the ground. That Saitama, whatever gender has, really had left a dent both on her body and her pride. Perhaps it was time for Lily Longsocks to go forth and do battle with monsters.

Author's Note

It was honestly a little bit tough writing Saitama in-character at times, especially since I rewatched the show in English recently and am basing him here off of that, and I'm decently certain English-version Saitama is a little more introspective and thoughtful than Japanese Saitama is. Probably the furthest I go is making him into a jerk by having him steal Lily's ball.

Also: