Between Your Rock and a Hard Place

by SilentAuthor

Rating: mature
Tags: Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy, Romance, Sex, Maud Pie, Human
Length: 2225

You're anon. Maude is Maude. How to make love to the most boring pony.

You're anon (Whoopee frickin dee) and you like Maud.

Maud likes rocks.

You're not a rock.

Things get weird.

LITERALLY written to get my anon/humor clopfic out of my system. Downvote into oblivion pls and thx.

Published 2018-08-05 04:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2018-08-05 04:00:01 UTC

Rock Johnson

You sit at a table fit for two and wiggle nervously as your human sized derriere has a hard time fitting on a tiny stool fit more for a tiny child than a grown ass man. In front of you sitting very comfortably with the worlds prize winning "resting bitch face" is the pony that has won your affections for the undetermined amount of time you have spent in Equestria.

Her mane is like sculpted marble and her features are of a much similar nature. You watch as a fly lands on her ear and she doesn't so much as flinch. Her entire body is paralyzed in a fashion that makes her appear like a statue. In the undetermined amount of time you had known, that is watched Maud you had noticed that she was usually completely still when she wasn't talking to the annoying pink blob she called sister. You remember fondly as you had gone with Maud to analyze some granite formations outside of Ponyville and watched her stand and eyeball a rock unflinching and unblinking for eight straight hours.

And that shit got you hard like a fucking rock.

Not that you knew particularly why

You had the "displeasure" of courting and even fooling around with a few mares in town and had found their performance to be severely lacking. You remember dear Rarity bending over and taking it for you the first time she had taken your measurements for your clothing. About four minutes in the mare had an earth shattering orgasm and could go no further and her hoof job was hardly as good as the flexible digits of your own hand.

This was soon to be found as a commonality between the mares that you had bedded. Maud however, you felt like she could take it like a champ and stand perfectly still while you pumped the stone faced mare until she was screaming your praises! Not to mention the earth pony had an ass built like a pickup truck and that shit was cash with a capitol C.

"Anon."

You snap momentarily out of your stupor as the monotone mare looks you over before resuming the drinking of her mineral water infused green tea medley. The conversation was lacking if not completely non-existent but you were just happy she had agreed to meet you at the coffee shop outside of town. Gods forbid you went to Sugar-cube Corner and have to deal with what you were going to ask with Pinkie hanging around.

"Why have you brought me to this particular establishment?" Maude asks as her eyes lock on yours.

You feel the sweat start to form at your brow and the proverbial spaghetti is about to fall. Her eyes were completely emotionless and you could feel your heart catch in your throat as you formed your words as precisely as possible.

"W-what do you mean M-maud? I just thought this place was a good spot for a cup of coffee."

Maud stares continuously before looking to the table near your own. There were pony couples enjoying a late "Hearts and Hooves Day" brunch. You had not even thought about the snobby couples ruining your mojo.

"This is a place generally reserved for ponies looking for the excuse to have a sugary confectionery in the guise of looking over one another in a blatantly sexual fashion." She monotoned further as she closed her eyes a fraction of a millimeter.

Oh shit. The sweat was pouring off of your face as she seemed to see right through your clever plan. Wait. You're a god damn human. The only one in all of Equestria and you knew how to lay the charm on these finger-less ponies. You got this. REINFORCE YOURSELF ANON!

"Well t-that's because I have something to a-ask you." You manage to rasp out as you prop yourself over the table and feel your face heat up as Maud cocks her head to the side slightly.

"What is it you wish to inquire Anon?"

You feel your mouth go dry. Damn those eyes were getting you in a trance. Might as well go full bore. It's not like this hasn't worked before and in a moment she would be putty in your hands.

"You maybe want to get out of here? Go someplace quiet for some fun?"

Gods above that was cheesy as hell but you wait. seconds run by like an eternity as she just watched you unblinking. You could hear your heart racing in your ears while she just stared like a statue.

"You wish to copulate with me?"

"Yes. I want to royally ruin you."

Maud pauses and you could have sworn she blinked.

"You wish to put your alien sexual organ inside of mine in the hopes of achieving orgasm?"

Man she wasn't talking dirty but she might as well have been as you felt your pants start to tighten slightly.

"I wanna do it right here on the table Maud while everypony is watching." You state making your desires truly known as you lick your lips at the young mare.

Maud took another eternally long sip from her cup as you stay hunched over the table completely wet from sweat. The sheer thrill of talking to her like this when ponies could see you was enough to get your blood pumping. A quick glance around and you find the other couples had heard what you were saying. Faces were bright with red streaks and a few stallions were looking on with disgust.

"Hey sod off! I can last at least ten times longer than any of you." You yelled as the ponies quickly looked away.

At that you hear the sound of glass hitting the floor and you turn to see Maud staring completely void of emotion.

"Repeat that last statement Anon." She borderline demands.

"Uh... Sod off?"

Maud blinks slowly and you can almost hear a sigh coming from somewhere.

"No anon. The one regarding your stamina in terms of sexual relations."

"I can.. uh... last ten times longer than them?"

Maud takes a hoof and strokes her chin as she begins to look you up and down. You can almost see a damn "Glare intensifies" meme pop up in your head as she just stares.

"Is this statement true or a proclaimed falsehood used by stallions that cannot perform up to standard?"

You lick your lips and nod your head. Her eyes seem to freeze on the table and you swear she is staring through the table directly at your rising erection which remains confined inside your tight jeans. Surely she was considering it right? Finally you watch as Maud leaves her chair and puts a number of bits on the table before walking right up to your side.

"Are you going to follow me or remain seated here awkwardly with a clearly uncomfortable erection brought on by visualizing me in an unorthodox situation involving your alien genitalia?"

She might as well have asked you to rut her her mercilessly in public. With a wide grin you grab your coat and follow quickly after here to god knows where. The walk away from the shocked faces of the ponies is long and somewhat quiet but being around Maud has trained you to appreciate the mares sullen silence.

"After years of romancing the boulders and geological formation of the rock farm I have recently come to the conclusion that it is time for me to pursue a mate with an actual pulse and ability to move on their own."

You nearly fall straight on your face as you trip on a patch of nothing. The force of her admittance raises an infinite number of questions in your head. For one you now realize (and had truthfully fantasized) that Maud has indeed been practically banging rocks in the non geologist sense and more like the sputtering porn star sense. She continues to speak as you pick yourself up.

"Rarity has told Rainbow Dash who has told Twilight who drunkenly told my sister that you have a tool with a similar density and feel to that of a rock. I have pondered for quite some time how one would seduce a creature such as yourself and pursue a sexual experiment merely for the sake of science." She pauses and stops walking. "Also for the sake of seeing if you can last as long as my previous boulder rockfriend."

Wait rockfriend?

The mare keeps walking as you fail to even utter a single word.

"The longest I have lasted while having coitus with a rock is several hours. My theory and hope is that you last longer than fourty-five minutes which is generally how long it takes for me to achieve a penetrative orgasm."

Oh hell you got this in the bag. You let out a snort of pride as you lengthen your stride to match Maude's. Soon enough you noticed she had led you right to your own home. Built at the edge of the Everfree Forest was your modest abode made with the help of your friends and decorated with Rarities...flair...

"A decent dwelling. I am surprised you have raised the structure so high but granted you are roughly the height of a fully grown Minotaur. Let us continue." She mutters as she raises her back hooves and kicks your door clear off of its hinges.

You manage to let out a small squeak of terror followed by a glare at the mare. Nonchalantly she looks over her shoulder and glues her eyes on you.

"Take this a sincere showing of my desire anon. I have shown a forceful desire to test your sexual ability by knocking your paltry door to the ground. Perhaps next time we have such an escapade you can purchase a stone fitted door." She walks over the threshold and stands on the crumpled door.

"Depending how you perform I may give you a discount on one of my families stone doors."

OH.IT.IS.ON.

You follow the mare inside your home and watch as she goes right through the archway into the living room. Your red felt sofa was a gift from Rarity along with the paintings from Canterlot that seemed Garish. Pinkie Pie had donated a few tables and some lamps which were accentuated by the flowers dropped off from Fluttershy.

Now there was a pony you'd like to get your hands on.

"This will do for now. Please sit on the couch anon While I get prepared."

You follow her instructions albeit with a sense of urgency as your manhood struggles against its confines. You watch with a growing smile as the mare carelessly takes her turtleneck and sash off before folding it neatly and walking to the kitchen to place it on the table. Curiosity peaking you ask her why she moved it so far away.

"I was informed that if you do not have an orifice to deposit your sperm it can launch in a spastic manner and cover quite an area. I only wish to keep my clothing clean in case you make a particularly large mess on me if not inside of me."

You have no idea how this mare is so sexy in the way she talks but hot damn is it getting you so hard. Soon enough the mare directs her attention to the highly visible bulge in your pants and looks back at you with the faintest twinkle in her eyes.

"Disrobe."

You very happily stand at attention and practically rip your shirt off to reveal your... fairly normal physique for a human male. You secretly chide yourself for not getting more active than you already were and achieving a rock hard set of abs. She presses her hoof to your skin and moves the silken fur across your stomach and up your chest which elicits a delightful groan in response.

Suddenly a crashing sound alerts you as a rock slowly sails through the air, a sense of malice radiating off of it. as it lands right on your bed you can see that Maude is not visibly comfortable or uncomfortable.

"Rock what are you doing here."

Silence.

"We are no longer together rock. You know this to be true."

More silence. You get the distinct feeling the inanimate object is glaring at you.

"Go home rock you are drunk."

With that Maude kicks the stone back through the window and looks at you with what could possibly matbe be a smirk.

"I would not be comfortable with rock watching this display. He gets jealous so often."

Okay fucking weird but the boner in your pants is definitely finding the obviously strange thought kind of hot. Cucking a rock, who would have thunk it?

"Hey Maud wanna hear an awesome rock pun before we.. you know." You add with a wiggle of your eyebrows.

"Is this customary for human mating rituals?" She asks in the same sexy monotone drawl.

"Yeah sure why not."

"Then continue."

"Give me a moment I'll dig something up!" You add with a cackle and a knee slap.

By the time you're done laughing and rubbing the tears from your eyes you notice Maud is long gone.

Guess you shouldn't have taken her sense of humor for granite.

Oh well there's always Cadence Spaghetti.