The Silly and Magical Adventures of Painis Cupcake

by Lucario247

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Crossover, Tragedy, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Main 6, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 2977

Painis cupcake is in Equestria. Everypony is fucked.

Painis Cupcake. Cannibalistic homicidal psychopath. And now he's in Equestria.

Everypony is Fucked.

I suggest not reading this if you don't like mane character death.

Published 2012-07-06 08:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-06 08:44:02 UTC

The Silly and Magical Adventures of Painis Cupcake

MLP FiM Fanfic: The Silly and Magical Adventures of Painis Cupcake
By: Lucario247

Twilight Sparkle was trotting home from Fluttershy's house. Spike had run a bad case of some kind of dragon sickness, so Twilight had left him in the care of the animal loving Pegasus. She walked home, humming a cheerful tune to herself and greeting any other ponies that she passed by.

As she neared the library, she noticed that the few birdhouses that sat outside the windows were gone. She looked around the bushes under the hooks where they hung, but didn't find them.

"Must be those colts by the town hall again." she thought to herself as she smirked.

She returned to the front door and entered her house, only to find a strange creature lying on the ground. It was lying on the ground in a heap, it's appendages bending in impossible angles. It had what looked like a turtle shell on it's head. It had a red shirt with a strap with strange pointed objects on it.

Twilight noticed on the ground the broken remnants of the birdhouses. She gasped in disgust as she saw the bloody bodies of the birds strewn across the floor as well.

There was a strange cracking noise as the creature looked up at Twilight. It's face was blank, it's blue eyes focused on Twilight. She was about to say something when it suddenly straightened out, causing more cracking noises. It somehow defied the laws of gravity and levitated in front of her.

"I am Painis Cupcake." it said, pronouncing each syllable.

Twilight was taken aback by the name, "Um, hello Painis Cupcake. My name is Twilight Sparkle. Not to be rude or anything, but your name sounds rather vulgar. Maybe you should-"

She was interrupted when Painis planted a hand over her mouth, and most of her head.

"I will eat you." he said.

He then slowly smiled. Twilight looked up at him, her eyes suddenly filling with fear. Painis clasped firmly around her head and lifted her into the air and threw her. She screamed as she collided with the statue on the table in the middle of the room. She then sailed from there and slammed into the opposite wall, crumpling to the floor. She gritted her teeth as she struggled to get up. Something was wrong with her back. She looked up at her attacker, tears of pain and fear filling her eyes. Painis was preparing to pounce on her.

"G-get away! Stop!!" he launched from the ground and sailed towards her, "No!!! AAAAAHHH!!!!!"

He landed on top of her and began ripping into the flesh on her side. Blood spewed in all directions, painting the wall and floor and covering Painis with an even redder red. She screamed in agony, hoping somepony would rescue her, as he chewed through the fur and thick hide. In an attempt to stop him, Twilight began to flail and thrash. He bit into one of her flailing hooves in annoyance. He ate until only bone was left. He ate until the thrashing stopped and the life left her eyes.

After finishing the flesh, Painis marveled at his finished feast. Only a skeleton and a pool of blood was left. He dived back into the pile as he decided to eat the skeleton to.

Pinkie Pie yawned as she awoke. She sat up in her bed and gave an impossibly large stretch. She then smacked her lips as she sleepily walked over to her vanity. She sat down on the stool in front of the mirror and looked upon her messy and lopsided mane.

Defying some random law of reality, she picked up a hairbrush, using only the flat of her hoof, and began to brush her mane. After going full circle on her head she looked up at her now completely flat mane. As if on command, the mane suddenly sprang up into its usual poofiness. Pinkie giggled and snorted at the silliness of her mane.

But then she noticed something else in her mirror. A figure stood in the back corner of her room, next to her closet. When she turned to get a better look at it, it wasn't there! She looked back at the mirror in confusion and saw the thing was now right next to her, in the reflection. It reached its arm out and somehow broke through the mirrored glass. The bipedal creature stepped through the empty area that the mirror used to be in.

Pinkie Pie stood up mainly in confusion rather than fear. The creature stood before her, somehow balancing on the edge of its boots while at an angle. She smiled at the similarities between herself and the creature.

"I am Painis Cupcake."

"Omigosh! Cupcakes!? I love cupcakes! OnetimeimadesomecupcakeswithmyfriendRainbowDashandtheywereSUPERdelicious!"

Painis was taken aback by the ponies enthusiasm and friendliness. However, he didn't visibly show that. He turned to look at you and smiled slowly, as if letting you know what was going to happen next.

"Oh, are you looking at the readers? Yeah, they're a strange bunch, clopping and crying from "My Little Dashie" and-"

She was interrupted when Painis shoved her onto her bed. She looked up at him in shock.

"I will eat you." he smiled

He pounced on top of her and began to rip open her chest. He shoved any flesh that came off in his hands into his mouth. All the while, Pinkie Pie still looked shocked. She didn't scream. She didn't cry. She didn't plead for mercy. And that's what got Painis.

Instead she smiled and giggled slightly, her blue irises regressing in size. She looked at him with those insane eyes and then cooed into his ear as he ate her.

"We've all given in to our dark sides, committed sins. But that doesn't matter now."

Pinkie suddenly lurched forward and bit down hard on Painis' earlobe. He felt it, but didn't react. The skin came off in her mouth, splattering blood around her maw. She then lay back down on the bed and spat the bloody skin out of her mouth.

"See you in hell..." she said as her heart beat it's last.

Painis, literally watched her heart stop beating. Her head slumped over as he continued feasting.

When he was finished, Painis grabbed the earlobe and reattached it to his ear, somehow.

Applejack let out a quick exhale and wiped the beads of sweat off of her forehead. She listened to the thumping sound the apples made as they fell into the baskets around the tree. She turned to watch her sister buck another tree. It's yield wasn't as grand as Applejack's, but it would be enough.

"Great job, Applebloom. You'll be gettin' an applebuckin' cutie mark before ya know it!"

The fillies eyes shined at the praise from her sister. Applejack chuckled at those filly eyes as she trotted over to the next tree. She turned and positioned herself for the buck. However, before she released the tensed muscles in her legs, something fell out of the tree.

The bipedal creature landed on its face, it's legs curling over its head.

"Dammit!" it shouted

Applejack stared at it in suspicious curiosity. In other words, she was thinking, "What the buck?".

"Applebloom! Go find Big Mac and tell 'im to c'mere."

"You got it sis!" said the filly nervously as she cantered off to find the stallion.

Applejack turned back around, and was surprised to find the creature in her face. She gave a yelp as she fell onto the ground in surprise. She tried to scoot away from it, but soon bumped into something. She turned to look at the object and gasped when the creature suddenly appeared behind her.

"A-ah don't know what yer doin', or why you're here, but you need to get outta here!" she commanded

"I am Painis Cupcake."

Applejack again had to say WTB on the inside at the strange response.

"Ah'm sorry, but you're name sounds mighty rude. I'd like to say otherwise, but that would be a lie."

She took a few small steps away from Painis. But she stopped when her back hoof bumped into the basket under the tree.

"I will eat you."

He was suddenly in Applejack's face, smiling. She stood still, staring at him, eyes wide with fear. Suddenly, that fear turned to anger as she turned and bucked him. The hooves hit him in the side of the face. The force from the hit forced him to turn his head.

And his head continued to turn, in a full three-sixty. Applejack's eyes opened in fear again as he swiped at her head. He knocked her hat off and ripped a chunk of her mane out of her neck, a piece of flesh came off with the blonde hair. She shrieked in pain as he shoved her into the tree behind her. She slumped to the ground as he leaped on top of her body and bit down on her neck.

Instead of crying from the sight of her own blood, Applejack tried to fend of the attacker. Her kicks against his chest were powerful, but not powerful enough to get him to unclamp his teeth from her artery. The loss of blood soon caused her to black out, and soon after, die.

Rid of the pesky attacks from his victim, Painis began to shove the sturdy bone and tender muscle of the work horse down his throat. Unknown to him, Applebloom watched it all from behind a tree.

It took all her strength to quiet her grieving sobs.

"Sweetie, please! I'm trying to finish this sketch of my next designer dress!"

The filly looked guilty for bothering her sister, "Sorry... I just wanted to help..."

Rarity's expression turned from annoyance to guilty sympathy as she tried to comfort her sister, "I know Sweet'ums, but right now I need to focus. Why don't you head over to Sweet Apple Acres and see if you can go crusading with your friends?"

Sweetie Belle's face lit up at the mention of her friends. She nodded to Rarity and raced out the door. Satisfied with her sister's reaction, Rarity returned to her sketching.

After a few minutes of thinking, scribbling, griping, and sighing, Rarity was satisfied with her sketch. The dress symbolized the peaceful yet melancholy feeling of a sunset.

"What should I name the dress?" she thought to herself aloud.

She always thought to herself aloud. It seemed that her subconscious always answered her when she spoke aloud. Another thing she did was always name her dresses. Like artists with their paintings, Rarity gave a fitting name to match the detail and theme of the dress.

"I am Painis Cupcake."

Rarity frowned. Never had her subconscious been so vulgar. And never had it sounded so gruff, so male. She turned around.

The creature was standing right behind her. Rarity almost vomited when she saw how much blood was spattered on its clothing.

"Um, I'm very sorry, but this room is off limits to customers." she said shakily as she moved towards the door.

"I will eat you."

Her eyes widened in fear as she threw open the door. She charged down the stairs and ran towards the kitchen. She heard the heavy footfalls and strange cracking noises of her assailant behind her. She ran towards the stove and grabbed a large knife with her magic. She turned as Painis advanced on her and drove the knife into his stomach.

He looked down at the knife and then up at you again. Rarity looked in the direction of where Painis was looking, confused at what he was looking at. He smiled at you as he grabbed the knife and slid it out of his abdomen. The wound almost instantly closed as he brandished the knife at Rarity.

She screamed as the blade was implanted into her eye. She staggered from the immense pain as the attacker grabbed her horn. Using his great strength, Painis broke the horn off and drove it into her other eye. Bloody tears ran as ragged, agonized screams escaped Rarity's throat.

Then, Painis pounced on the blinded unicorn and began feasting.

Sweetie Belle was trotting to the front door, when she saw a spray of blood splatter the kitchen window. She'd forgotten her crusader cape and was returning to the Boutique to get it. That's when she saw the blood.

She instantly forgot her cape and ran.

Rainbow Dash gave Soarin' another passionate kiss before he flew away. His tongue tasted sticky from the hard cider that they both enjoyed the previous night. Fortunately, that wasn't the only thing they enjoyed last night.

She sighed as she watched her lover fly away. She wished that he could stay, but if he did Spitfire would have grown suspicious. She trotted back into her cloud home, intent on finishing off the bottle of hard cider that was left over from last night. She slowly made her way to the counter where the half empty bottle sat. She pulled out a glass and was about to pour herself a pint when she realized she was free to do whatever.

She grabbed the bottle and began to gulp down the rest of its contents. When she was done chugging the alcohol, Rainbow slammed the bottle onto the counter, as if signaling to somepony that she was done.

"I am Painis Cupcake."

Rainbow frowned when she heard the unrecognized voice. She grabbed the empty bottle and swung it around, smashing it on the head of whoever was behind her. The creature barely faltered from the blow.

"What the hay are you doing in my house?" growled Rainbow

"I will eat you." Painis replied with a smile.

Rainbow quickly sized up her opponent. He looked to big for her to handle on her own. She saw the opening between her and the doorway outside was not blocked by Painis. She jumped from her seat and flew towards the exit. She was about to clear the buildings platform when her tail was grabbed.

Painis yanked her back and grabbed onto her wing. And with a mighty tug, he ripped the wing off of her back.

Rainbow went wide eyed in shock. Her wing. Ripped clean off her body. Bone and all. She fell to the ground and screamed in pain. Painis took the wing in his hands and wrapped it around Rainbow's neck. She flailed, trying to regain access to heavenly oxygen. But soon, her body went limp.

After Painis ate the Pegasus he turned and looked out towards Fluttershy's house. He could see it from the cloud home. He backed up a bit and then jumped off of the cloud building. He fell for a few moments before smashing into the ground, face first. With a few cracks, he stood up.

He was greeted by the glares of three small fillies. Two of which were crying, the other was just looking confused.

"Yah monster. How couldya do something' like that to mah sister." said the yellow one.

The white one only began to sob as the orange tried to comfort her. Painis didn't have time for this, he needed to get to Fluttershy. He pointed a finger at the three fillies.

"Hippies." he said

Suddenly, with a strange popping sound, the three fillies transformed. The orange changed into a drumstick, the yellow changed into an apple, and the white became a marshmallow. Painis looked at the three food items before picking them up.

"Num" he said as he ate the apple.

"Num" he said as he ate the marshmallow.

"Num num num." he said as he ate the drumstick, bone and all.

Then he fell to the ground and began to move to Fluttershy's house, making those cracking noises along the way.

"Good job, Painis." cooed Fluttershy while she stroked his chin, "It seems you've met and befriended all my friends!"

He smiled as he touched his chin. She grinned devilishly.

"There's just one more pony I'd like you to meet..."

She whispered into his ear. When she was done explaining, Painis kept into the air and shot out the door. Fluttershy snickered evilly in his wake.

Painis moved along the path towards the other side of Ponyville. On his way there, he encountered a mare wearing a magicians outfit and pulling a giant cart.

"I, the great and powerful Trixie, have returned to Ponyville to reestablish my image and-"

She was cut off when Painis bit her entire head off. He didn't have time to finish the rest of her, however. So he just left the headless body there as he sped towards Canterlot.

Luna trotted through the corridors of Canterlot castle, towards her sister's room. She sensed a strange fluctuation in her magic sense. She sensed that Celestia was in some sort of trouble. Knowing that her sister could take care of herself, Luna was only checking on her sister to see if she was alright. She approached the door to the Princess' bedroom and opened it slightly.

"Tia? I sensed something and wanted to see if you..."

Blood painted the walls. A bloody pair of wings and a long alicorn horn sat in the corner. The breastplate and four shoes sat in the other. A creature lay on the bed in a crumpled heap. It was wearing the crown of the Princess. Luna approached it cautiously. She recognized the creature as a human.

"Why in Equestria would a human-?"

She was interrupted when the human jumped into her face, causing a strange cracking sound. It stared at Luna for a while before opening its mouth to speak.

"I am Princess Celestia. I will eat you."

And then it smiled slowly at Luna.