Petty Vengeance is Magic

by Lightning Farron

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Nightmare Moon, Princess Luna, Drama, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 5018

In which Celestia defeats Nightmare Moon by way of playing dead.

Inspired by a conversation with Rated Ponystar.

When Celestia and Nightmare Moon dueled, Celestia instead of banishing her sister to the moon with the elements of harmony, decides to let Nightmare win and let her see what Celestia has to go through every single day. Hilarity ensues.

Many thanks to Terabyte West for editing this.

Published 2017-09-03 22:50:05 UTC
Last updated 2017-09-03 22:50:05 UTC

The Only Chapter

It just had to be today, Celestia lamented as she dove out of the way of Nightmare Moon’s first blast of magic before taking to the skies, keen not to let her demon-possessed sister get another chance at an attack. I told her that we would spend the whole day together and that she could rule how she wished tomorrow! Why couldn’t she just wait one more day...

While Celestia was lamenting the apparent impatience of her younger sister, Nightmare Moon took advantage of this opportunity to attack with another burst of magic. Unfortunately, Nightmare Moon, caught up in her desire for vengeance and lust for an eternal night, had failed to realize that Celestia was more than just a princess. She was a skilled magic-user and as such was able to teleport out of the way before it could make contact. This only made Nightmare Moon foam at the mouth in rage as she took to the skies in attempt to oust her sister.

The aerial assault had begun.

Truthfully, calling it an assault was rather apt even if the battle was a little one-sided. Nightmare Moon would fire beams of magic toward Celestia and Celestia would gracefully dive out of the way.

Thank heavens for that supersensory charm Starswirl taught us. Celestia breathed a sigh of relief as she managed to dodge yet another burst of magic. No matter how tempting it was, Celestia could not bring herself to fire a spell at her own sister. She supposed it was that pesky emotion called love coming into play.

Why must these things be so unnecessarily complicated? Celestia wondered, her ire rising as Nightmare Moon fired another beam. Why must she insist on ousting me rather than talking it out like the princesses we are?

The thoughts swirled inside Celestia’s head and Nightmare Moon’s next spell made its mark. Celestia let out a yelp of surprise as she felt herself fall to the ground, Nightmare Moon’s cackling merging with the howling of the wind as she fell. To her surprise though, the spell she’d been hit with was not some dark curse like she’d been expecting.

It was a tickling charm. A tickling charm!

Celestia didn’t know if she felt relieved that Luna might still be somewhere in there, fighting the demon that was apparently Nightmare Moon from the inside or insulted that Nightmare Moon thought she would be that easy to defeat. What she did know was that the ground was quickly closing in and that there was nothing she could do to stop what was about to happen.

Well nothing except a spell to soften her landing spot.

Celestia landed with a faint thump. The landing hadn’t hurt nearly as much as she thought it would but the sharp pain in her underbelly told her that she had landed on the Element of Magic.

That’s going to leave a mark. She thought ruefully, albeit grateful that she hadn’t heard a crack: the telltale sign of damage to the elements. Then a new thought occurred to her. If this Nightmare Moon character was so keen to rule Equestria, then who was Celestia to stand in her way? After all, at her core, Nightmare Moon was her sister. A taller and more dangerous version of her sister, granted, but her sister nonetheless. If she was so keen on ruling Equestria herself then Celestia would let her.

Spotting that Nightmare Moon was descending down upon her, Celestia did the first that came to mind: play dead. She’d even cast a spell that would make is such that anyone who checked her heartbeat or breathing would have heard and felt nothing but cooling feeling associated with death and would have pronounced her dead. She quickly closed her eyes as she heard Nightmare Moon land in the overgrowth with a crunching sound.

It was a battle in and of itself for Celestia to fake weakly looking up at Nightmare Moon as she strolled toward her confidently.

“You thought you were all powerful, didn’t you, Celestia?” Nightmare Moon bellowed for all to hear. Indeed, several servants had rushed from their quarters to see just what was going on. Indeed, they could all see what looked to be a dead Celestia lay at the hooves the alicorn who bore little more than a passing resemblance to Princess Luna.

What Celestia hadn’t expected was for Nightmare Moon to spot the faintest glimmer of purple.

“What’s this?” Nightmare Moon lifted Celestia’s unmoving body. Celestia had to suppress a dismayed sigh as Nightmare Moon let out a yelp of shock. It seemed she had stumbled upon the Element of Magic. Snarling, Nightmare searched Celestia for the rest of the elements and let out a horrified gasp as the rest fell out of her mane and tail. When she was certain that Nightmare Moon wasn’t looking in her general direction, Celestia allowed her eyes to open by just the smallest sliver. She had to suppress a groan as she watched her smash the artifacts into small pieces.

So much for using the elements of harmony when Nightmare Moon’s back was turned after making her think that she had won.

Her guilt over her half thought out plan only increased when she heard gasps containing equal parts surprise and horror coming from her subjects.

“Princess Celestia!” Nightmare Moon proclaimed, an air of smug confidence about her, “Is dead!”

What had once been gasps of surprise had turned to shrieks of horror. The sound of hooves against the grass told her that Nightmare Moon had inexplicably built up something of a small army that stood resolutely behind her. This made Celestia wonder how long her sister turned demon had planned this whole coup. She didn’t get a chance to dwell on this for long as the cries of her former subjects returned with full force. By the sound of things it seemed that one of her subjects thought it would be a good idea to charge Nightmare Moon head on.

“Silence!” There was a loud bang and several screams that told her that Nightmare Moon most likely cast a blasting curse at Celestia’s subjects. However, the curse did its job of making everyone present shut up. It also had the unintentional side effect of aggravating Celestia further than she already was; did Nightmare Moon really not consider her worthy enough to be killed by brute force instead of a tickling charm?

Celestia silently fumed over this injustice as Nightmare Moon gave her ad libbed speech.

“From this day forth, you put your faith in me,” Nightmare stated, pressing a hoof to her own chest. Celestia, who’d since closed her eyes, didn’t need to see to tell that her demon possessed sister was trying imitate her and become the epitome of a true leader that Equestria had come to expect from Celestia.

Nightmare nodded approvingly when there was no sound of protest and watched as they slowly broke away to reluctantly resume their duties. She glanced at the cooling corpse of her late sister and gestured to her forces.

“Prepare a casket for my late sister,” she ordered a passing guard. “Even though she wasn’t a very good sister, she was still my sister and, at the very least, deserves a modicum of respect for her achievements,” she said firmly. The guard could only nod. Whether that was out fear of Equestria’s newest ruler or respect for its previous ruler could not be determined.

The soldier nodded and with a single gesture of his head, the others followed suit, casting an awed look at their new ruler as they passed. Celestia felt herself being lifted from the admittedly itchy grass as she heard the grunts of several guards who’d been tasked with carrying her to her casket.

* * *

All things considered. This isn’t too bad. Celestia thought as she lay motionless in the more than comfortable casket. When she was certain she was alone, Celestia only needed to take a cursory look around to know that she was in Luna’s old bed chambers.

At least this makes wreaking havoc on Nightmare Moon’s regime all the easier. I already know where everything is! She thought brightly. Her first impulse had been to hop out of her casket and wreak her desired havoc on Nightmare Moon. However, this idea was quickly quashed as a thought occurred to her.

Nightmare Moon is far from stupid. She’ll have all sorts of spells around her room to make sure intruders can’t get in. Celestia’s horn lit up in its usual golden aura and frowned. The only enchantment she could detect was a locking charm on the door.

Suppressing the righteous indignation of how poorly she was being guarded, Celestia had done several things: the first being that she broke the locking charm on the door. The second was an impressive little bit of transfiguration that turned one of Luna’s favorite dolls, Mr. Astronaut, into a carbon copy of Celestia which she levitated into her casket. The next thing she’d done was cast the same spell she’d cast on herself to give the illusion of death. If the poor security was any indication, Celestia strongly suspected that Nightmare Moon wouldn’t think of checking the fake Celestia for any spells that would indicate that she would have somehow survived. The last thing she’d done was cast a disillusionment charm on herself. She didn’t want anyone getting wind that she was still alive, least of all her sister. She’d rather not have anyone fighting any revolutions on her behalf.

She would do that herself if everything went according to plan.

It’s almost like she has no idea what security even means. Celestia lamented as she snuck to the kitchens undetected. To be fair to Nightmare, it wasn’t like Celestia was any better. Her own bed chambers only had a locking charm on the door as well.

She was honestly more surprised that the guards hadn’t so much as batted an eye as they heard the sounds of hoof steps around the castle and the doors opening and closing for no explainable reason. Maybe they were so drunk in despair at the loss of their benevolent ruler that they’d lost the will to do anything sans attempting to halfheartedly drown their sorrows in cider.

We can’t have that, she thought, frowning. Then a thought occurred to her: what if she could restore hope to her subjects while also undermining Nightmare Moon’s tyrannical regime. It would be a win-win for all parties involved! Well, all parties not including Nightmare Moon plus relevant supporters.

How sad… she thought. Well, maybe I’ll start small and then work my way up to more grandiose schemes as time goes on. Surely the demon once called my sister will drive herself crazy trying to figure who is responsible. This was on top of the idea that it would be even easier to avoid suspicion given that her funeral was scheduled for the following night. The resulting meltdown alonewas all the incentive Celestia needed to go through with her admittedly half thought out idea.

Now how to start… Celestia stroked her chin thoughtfully. She had overthrown a government once before and that had been back when Discord ruled. By all accounts, calling Discord’s regime a government was well beyond being generous. Regardless, in lieu of any good ideas, Celestia returned to her casket still stored in Nightmare Moon’s chambers.

She reversed her spells on the doll and put it back it in its place. Before she could contemplate her next move, she heard the familiar hoofsteps of her successor approaching. Celestia dove back into her casket, recast her spells to give the appearance of death, and waited for Nightmare to open the door.

“Oh! There you are, Mr. Astronaut! I was looking everywhere for you! You won’t believe what happened today!” Celestia’s eyes had been glued shut in the interest of maintaining her disguise but in her mind’s eye, she could see Nightmare nuzzling the astronaut plush doll to her cheeks in an almost loving fashion. It was all she could do to resist giggling to herself as she let the image consume her.

“Even after that’s happened, I still can’t help but miss my sister,” Nightmare confided to the astronaut. “Is that strange, Mr. Astronaut? To actually miss the pony whom I murdered in a duel to the death?”

Celestia for her part was torn between dispelling her illusion and grabbing Nightmare in a hug and reassuring her that all was well, dispelling her illusion and strangling her for thinking a tickling charm coupled with a painful but non-lethal fall would be sufficient recourse for death. In the end, Celestia wisely decided to remain silent. It wouldn’t do to give herself away before she could deliver sweet vengeance for that pitiful attempt at murder.

* * *

Celestia knew it was foalish of her to sink to pranks to get payback but she figured that what she was going to simply a primer for mischief yet to come. She had thought it tame compared to the pranks Luna got up to before she turned into Nightmare Moon.

The first stop for her list of pranks was the kitchens.

“I would say it has been nice knowing you, moon pies,” Celestia murmured, spotting Nightmare’s favorite sweets stored at the very back. “But that would make me a liar. The truth is that you are an abomination to sweets anywhere and do not deserve to exist.”

With that as her final word, Celestia conjured a small blue flame and set the first of what would be many moon pies ablaze. Once she’d finished, she slipped out of the kitchen, certain that the fire would burn itself out before long.

“Moving on to the next order of business,” Celestia giggled softly as she scrolled through a mental checklist of pranks she’d been meaning to pay Luna back for prior to her transformation. She hummed thoughtfully, there were so many wonderful pranks swirling through her ancient mind that it was tough for her to decide on just a few to start.

* * *

“I adore the night sky as much as anypony else but there’s a reason we need a day and night cycle,” Celestia whispered, a bottle of bright yellow mane dye held aloft in her magic. She had, of course, taken the necessary precautions: it wouldn’t do to have Nightmare waking up before Celestia was done so she cast silencing charms applied liberal amounts of the substance onto Nightmare’s scalp. She stifled a giggle as Nightmare crooned happily at the unexpected head massage. By the time she was done, Celestia took a step back to admire her work.

It seemed that the dye had already begun its work. Indeed, where that had once a glorious mane that reflected the cosmos above was now the most absurdly bright shade of sunny yellow. On the whole, Celestia was delighted. It clashed horribly but it was a nice change of pace. Celestia had always maintained that her sister needed a more sunny disposition and her mane was as good a place as any to start.

“Right,” Celestia beamed, as she watched the yellow overtook the midnight blue. She stared at the bucket of water she’d used to deal with Nightmare’s mane. It seemed like such a waste to simply dump it out. Recalling another foalhood prank, Celestia raised one of Nightmare’s forelegs and carefully placed it into the bucket. For added measure, she conjured a pair of cymbals and crashed them into each other.

“What the!” Celestia teleported back into her casket, eyes barely open as Nightmare shot up from her bed. She stifled a laugh at the half yellow half blue mane as teal eyes swept the room for signs of an intruder. Seeing all was well, Nightmare, who’d failed to notice her hoof in a bucket of water, drifted off to sleep again.

Certain that Nightmare was truly asleep after that reckless bit of payback, Celestia teleported out of her casket.

Turning away from Nightmare, Celestia consulted her list and crossed dyeing mane yellow from it. Had she been paying Nightmare any attention, she would have noticed the dye traveling from her mane and to her coat, turning it sunny yellow as well.

“What should I try next?” she wondered aloud as she trotted out of the room.

* * *

Celestia giggled as she settled into her casket for what time remained before her burial. She hoped it wouldn’t be too long as she’d been keen to see some of the reactions to her brand of mischief.

Fate, it seemed, was on her side as she heard shuffling from the other side of the room. Celestia dared to peel her eyes open as she spotted the rising figure of Nightmare Moon stretching out of bed.

“What the!” she roared, having noticed both the soiled sheets and the yellow coat. Celestia only blinked twice before mentally roaring with laughter. She hadn’t realized that the dye could affect coats too but this only served to make things better for her. Things only escalated when Nightmare summoned a couple servants to clean her sheets and work on preparing for the funeral which was to be held later that night.

Celestia could feel Nightmare’s gaze on her. She wondered briefly if Nightmare suspected that she was still alive and dared for the second time that day to take a peek. Indeed, she could see Nightmare was regarding her suspiciously but soon turned away from her to move toward the bathroom.

“My mind must be playing tricks on me,” Nightmare growled and Celestia felt her stomach drop at the sound. “It seems I have some weeding out to do among my subjects who’d dare to pull such a stunt.” And there was the reason.

Nightmare shrugged while heaving a sigh. “I’ll figure that bit out once she’s buried and can no longer attempt to haunt me with her slowly decaying flesh.”

Celestia felt equal parts sorry for the servant who’d have to try to clean the soiled sheets, eager to see Nightmare struggling with the dye, and indignant at being referred to as a piece of decaying flesh. All the same, Celestia wouldn’t be surprised if word of Nightmare’s little accidents spread like the wildfire she’d caused in the kitchens. She wondered vaguely if said fire had been put out. She’d almost moved from her casket to investigate but the sound of the door opening made her think better of it. She consoled herself; if the fire hadn’t been put out, then surely their castle would have burned down, right?

Wrong.

“What is the meaning of this!” Nightmare Moon boomed, outraged as she took stock of the now ruined kitchen.

“It seemed that somepony set fire to your moon pies, Your Majesty,” one of the servants observed unnecessarily.

“And the entire kitchen,” added a chef helpfully. “We’d need to use the backup kitchen to prepare anything edible and unfortunately, almost all of our ingredients were in here. It’ll take some time for us to collect more before we can have some prepared for you, Your Majesty.”

Indeed, Nightmare Moon was foaming at the mouth. A poor start made worse by the lack of food made even worse by the fact that her moon pie stash had been entirely destroyed. Her eyes narrowed suspiciously at the charred remains of what had once been a glorious moon pie. The existence of her stash alone was among her most jealously guarded secret. Whoever had discovered not only its existence but its exact location needed to be hunted down and corrected.

With her newly acquired fangs.

Realizing that her servants were still awaiting her orders, Nightmare regarded them imperiously for several seconds before nodding. “Very well. Proceed.”

The servants and the assembled guards could not have walked away more quickly, leaving Nightmare alone with the charred mess and a mystery to solve.

And by the moon she cared for, solve it she would.

* * *

Celestia sat in her casket, watching the mayhem unfold via a pair of connected mirrors. With Nightmare out, Celestia held no laughter back. She hadn’t intended for things to play the way they had but she was thankful for it all the same. It was here that a thought occurred to her.

“I don’t have a will!” She scrambled, rummaging through the drawers of her sister’s desk in search of parchment. If she didn’t have a will, everything would be passed down to her demon possessed sister. A shiver shot down her spine. No, she couldn’t let that happen. It couldn’t be plainer that Nightmare Moon intended to rule with an iron hoof especially given the fact that the sun hadn’t been raised at all since her ‘defeat’. She’d indicated that all of her personal items were to be sealed in her private vault with everything else to be distributed equally among her servants.

As for Nightmare Moon…

A vindictive side overtook Celestia as she wrote down her last words. “Even though you have beaten me, at least I know that my funeral will be better and more beloved by our subjects that yours ever will.”

It was mean and spiteful and not something Celestia would have normally written but given the circumstances, it conveyed her feelings quite nicely. She signed it with a flourish and with small burst of magic notarized it and laid it on her sister’s bed, waiting for Nightmare when she returned.

Just then the door burst open and two servants strolled in. Celestia just barely managed to get into her casket before she heard it open again.

Oh right. Didn’t somepony mention getting me prepared for my funeral today? Indeed, the two servants had brought her entire wardrobe along with them and spent what felt like hours but was actually 20 minutes before settling on her most recent Grand Galloping Gala dress.

A good choice on the whole, Celestia thought approvingly once the servants had finished preparing her for her funeral. She didn’t understand why she needed makeup or perfume if she was going to be buried.

“Oh! It looks like Her Majesty has a letter waiting for her!” one servant gasp, noticing the letter. “We should get it to her right away!”

The other nodded, finishing the last application of makeup before carefully placing Celestia back into her casket, before picking up the scroll and rushing along with her partner to Nightmare’s side.

* * *

The time had finally come to put Princess Celestia to rest. The grave had been dug and nearly every single pony in Equestria had turned up for the funeral. The gravesite had been decorated with several white lilies lining to the grave. The path leading to the grave had also been lined with crests featuring Celestia’s cutie mark of the midday sun along with several torches to light the way through the darkness of Nightmare’s night. As the procession began and the singers sang a ballad worthy of Celestia, no one really knew what to say. It couldn’t be plainer to anypony present that words could not do justice for all Celestia had done for Equestria: a fact that had Nightmare Moon seething on the inside.

“If nopony has anything to say,” Nightmare Moon began, barely suppressing a growl at the mournful looks of the funeral goers, “I shall read Celestia’s will.”

Clearing her throat significantly before breaking the seal, Nightmare moon began to read.

“To my faithful subjects, I bestow upon you the land with which has been withheld from you in the hopes that you will help Equestria continue to thrive long after I am gone. To my faithful servants and guards: I leave you the books, armor and weapons kept in my personal study and armory respectively. And finally, to my sister.” Nightmare Moon paused, eyes widening as she took in the words.

“I pray that Equestria prospers under your guidance but all that being said… no matter what you do, the fact remains that I will always be more loved than you could ever hope to be. Even in death, my funeral will be more beloved than yours.”

Nightmare set the will on fire while taking several deep breaths. Anything else would only show to her subjects that she was merely a hothead in over her head. She could already see the rebellions that she’d have to quash to establish her rule.

Maybe Celestia is right. Nightmare thought miserably. It’s hasn’t been a complete day-night cycle and I’ve got off to a poor start. Maybe I should just give up now while I can’t be held responsible for what happened. She looked thoughtfully at Celestia’s coffin.

“Prepare a funeral for me as well,” said Nightmare, blindsiding everypony present. “One even grander than this.”

“Your highness?” her personal scribe started cautiously. “You’re not dead.”

She’s right. Well, it wouldn’t be hard to fix that. Nightmare slumped forward abruptly, ironically casting the same spells Celestia cast to trick ponies into believing her dead.

“Your majesty!” Several concerned voices cried. Nightmare allowed a small smile to cross her face as it hit the grass. At least she’d died around ponies more concerned about her than Celestia at that moment. Had anypony noticed, the casket that held Celestia’s body was suspiciously empty.

So in several days time, second funeral was held. This one grander than the last in the beauty and sheer number of lilies present and instead a humble grave like Celestia had done, Nightmare would be put to rest in a white tomb shaped like the crescent moon.

Nightmare had to hold back a smile as her casket was led down the procession. She could hear the singers singing a ballad in her honor as she was escorted into her tomb. She allowed herself to smile at all the nice things her ever faithful subjects said to her though they all seemed to rotate about her rather aggressive sense of humor.

As ponies milled around to express their farewell sentiments, Celestia stepped out from her hiding spot from some nearby bushes. It didn’t take long for the ponies to notice her but she preempted their exclamation with a hoof to her mouth.

“Goodbye, Nightmare Moon,” Celestia couldn’t keep the snark out of her voice. “I want you to know that I’m sorry every trick I’ve played on you during your brief reign and that I will miss the way that you reacted to my pranks. I trust this taught you that if you’re going to try to overthrow me, don’t do it with a tickling charm. Do it with something more… permanent. Like asphyxiation.”

Turning to the guards, she said, “Seal the tomb. Should she awaken, she’ll no doubt try to break out and come after me again.” Her grin turned feral. “Hopefully with my lesson imparted upon her this time, she’ll put in an honest effort.” She rolled her eyes. “Element of honest my flanks.”

The guards wisely kept their mouths shut as cast their various wards in what they hoped would be a valiant attempt to keep Nightmare Moon contained in her tomb.

* * *

It had taken several days for Nightmare Moon to realize that she’d heard Celestia’s voice when her subjects had expressed their sorrowful farewells. Upon realizing this, instead of going into a frothing rage at being outwitted by her older sister yet again, she calmly undid the enchantments around her tomb.

It simply wouldn’t do to give herself away before she had a chance to strike.

Nightmare peeked outside, grimacing at the bright sunlight before surveying the area. The gardens appeared largely deserted. For once, that suited Nightmare just fine as she cast a disillusionment charm on herself. The fewer ponies that knew of her escape, the easier things would be when the time came.

* * *

“Hmm?” Celestia looked up from the document she’d been reading. She felt a disturbance in the wards guarding Nightmare’s tomb. Glancing out the window, she could see the gated door swinging open with the occasional creak slipping out mid-swing.

“Seems like that confrontation is going to happen 1000 years sooner than I’d planned,” Celestia remarked, largely unconcerned. She shrugged. “Oh well.”

Still, it would be wise to prepare since she actually had time to prepare for the inevitable confrontation.

She heard the door fly open to find Nightmare Moon standing before in all of her dark glory. Celestia was more surprised that she wasn’t frothing in rage over the bait and switch she’d pulled on top of her pranks while she’d faked her death. Instead, Nightmare seemed to regard her more speculatively. Celestia wasn’t sure whether this was better or worse than before: on the one hand, she didn’t have to deal with the tension headaches associated with Nightmare screaming angrily but on the other hand, it seemed likely that she’d be much harder to provoke into a trap.

“I made tea and scrounged up some moon pies,” Celestia offered, nodding to the table she’d brought up. Nightmare’s eyes lit up at the sight of them. Before she so much as takes a step, she sighed and turned to Celestia.

“I give up.” At that minute, the dark magic that had been instrumental in sustaining Nightmare Moon’s existence seemed to seep out of her and vanish into inky black smoke. Where Nightmare Moon once stood proudly stood the familiar form of her little sister: Princess Luna.

Celestia’s heart sang a choir. It was all she could do not to rush over and grab her younger sister in the biggest wing hug she could manage. Still, there was one loose end that needed to be tied up.

“So what have you learned from this experience?” Celestia asked as they sat down to tea and moon pies.

“If I’m going to try to overthrow you, don’t use tickling charms to do it?” Luna offered nervously.

“Exactly,” Celestia smiled. “Now, dig in. It took more time than I care to admit to find those moon pies.”