Detective Doo

by Fawfulcopter

Rating: everyone
Tags: Snails, Comedy, Scootaloo, Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3319

When Bon-Bon's house is broken into and stolen from, only one mare has the intelligence, gusto and profession to solve the case. Along with her assistant/sidekick, Scootaloo, Detecive Ditzy Doo will solve any crime that comes her way!

Take everything you think you know about Ditzy Doo/Derpy Hooves. Now erase all of it that isn't canon. Go into this fic with an open mind, and have fun.

Published 2011-08-01 04:13:30 UTC
Last updated 2011-07-31 02:33:12 UTC

Chapter 1

DETECTIVE DOO.

A one-shot fic, written by Fawfulcopter

Disclaimer: The following fan fiction contains spoilers for this fan fiction.

Ditzy Doo flew over to the table and examined it closely. This was the first time she had been in this house, but it felt like all the others, a warm return to an old friend's house. This room in particular seemed to recur: a large, poorly lit room, oddly containing naught but a small table and a lamp in the corner. She flew over the floor so as not to disturb any hoofprints the culprit may have left.

Ditzy was a mare of few words, but many thoughts. Those thoughts she did voice were usually vague, but concise. Her favorite snack was muffins, although because she was often seen snacking on them at Sugar Cube Corner, other ponies gossiped that she had an obsession with them. She was a bit clumsy, but if she thought her actions through before doing them, she occasionally made mistakes, just like anypony else.

She felt sorry for the mare that got hit with all that luggage. A crime had happened in the back of the moving truck, so she had to investigate. She may have accidentally tossed some things aside willy-nilly, and they may have hit the wheelchair-ridden mare on the head. She saw her walking around town later perfectly fine, though. She's heard rumors that that mare was the physical embodiment of one of the elements of harmony, which would certainly explain her capacity for injury.

By her side hovered her newest assistant. She had gone through a lot of assistants as a detective. The baby dragon was cute, but not much else. The red stallion wasn't too bad of an assistant, but his crops beckoned, so he had to leave her services. She really liked the one with all the carrots, but she kept insisting that Ditzy ate all her food or something. She suspected it was that soft-spoken animal caretaker's pet bunny, but that was not today's crime.

Her newest assistant, an orange pegasus filly, was even more of a klutz than herself, and often served to be more harm than good. But she was very intent on getting her detective Cutie Mark, and Ditzy couldn't say no to such an adorable kid. She was bothered whenever the orange pegasus - oh, what was her name, Scootie, or something? - Whenever Scootie brought her friends, the self-proclaimed Cutie Mark Adventurers or some-such nonsense along. Fortunately, today was not one of such days.

She examined the table thoroughly. She was supposedly investigating a robbery. The shelf on the table had been raided, and that had been where her client kept all her valuables. She examined the handle for hoofprints, and found none. Either the robber was a unicorn, or owned a quartet of socks. She gingerly opened the shelf, and found it completely barren, except for one thing in the corner the robber evidently forgot, or left there on purpose.

Ditzy started wondering why the robber would know the valuables were all there. The robber had to be a friend of her client... what was her client's name? Skittle or something like that? She distinctly remembered the pony's appearance: pale body, Navy mane with a streak of pink, and three wrapped candies on her flank. She just wasn't great with names.

The only thing left in the drawer was a photograph of another pony, a minty green one with what appeared to be a harp Cutie Mark. Ditzy realised that this whole time, her assistant had been babbling and she just ignored her. She decided to tune her in for a second.

"-So there's this girl at Apple Bloom's school who also doesn't have a Cutie Mark and her name is Dinky and she looks a lot like you but she's a unicorn hey how come unicorns have horns I mean were ancient cave ponies just born with them or what I mean I've been learning evolution in school and they say that when two ponies with similar aspects reproduce they pass on genes and what does reproducing mean because I think once I saw one of Apple Bloom's cousins reproducing with-"

Yikes. Ditzy did not want to be part of that conversation, if it even was one. She flew out of the room, holding the picture gently in one hoof. She spoke to her client, Jolly Rancher or whatever, holding out the picture. "Know?" was all she said. From any other pony, it would have made nearly no sense, but Ditzy knew how to convey a message simply and quickly, and miss Lollipop got it quick.

"Well, yes, that's my... friend, Lyra. Thing is though, I never put that in that shelf." The pale pony whose name still escaped Ditzy answered. Ditzy was wall-eyed, but confident that they had a good chance at finding the culprit now.

"Lead." Was all Ditzy said, and what's-her-face led Ditzy to Lyra's house.

“Who?" Ditzy didn't enjoy speaking so much. Most cases didn't involve interrogating mint-colored ponies, however. Her query was directed at the green pony in question, who had just claimed to not be the culprit.

"Well I don't know of course, or I'd be telling you!" Harper or whatever pointed out. "Why are you even asking me, anyway?" Ditzy held out the picture, and nudged her assistant. Her assistant took a second to understand the push, but figured it out quick enough.

"This photograph was found placed in Bon-Bon's shelf-table... thing, supposed to be full of valuables. But it was found empty except for this picture... which she never placed there." Skater or whomever said.

"I'm sorry girls, I know nothing about the crime or have any leads for you." Plucker said. Disgruntled, Ditzy flew back to that... candy-pony’s house. With no further leads here, she slipped the photograph into a baggie, and went on her way, gesturing for Wheeler to follow.

On the way to the crime scene, Ditzy had some time for quiet introspection, her favorite kind of introspection. She made a note to herself; she really needed to write down pony’s names. It was getting a tad bothersome, her inability to remember anyponys name.

Ditzy’s stomach growled. She decided to get the public to lay off her loving muffins so much, so she floated over to a nearby apple stand in the city bazaar. An orange pony that she had seen around town a few times stood behind the stand.

A jar sat on the counter behind the display of apples. It was full nearly to the brim with bits, despite the fact that the display was rather full still. Something seemed off to Ditzy, but she decided not to inquire further... yet.

A further examination of the stand revealed that a familiar filly with a yellow coat and no Cutie Mark sat next to the bigger, orange one. Ditzy inwardly groaned as... was it Scootaloo? Scootaloo and the yellow one caught sight of each other and started yapping about the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

Ditzy’s stomach growled, and she remembered why she came to the stand. She pulled a couple bits out of her knapsack and placed them in the salespony’s hoof. Ditzy grabbed an apple, and placed it in her bag.

Ditzy gestured for Scootaloo to come along, but Scootaloo started bawling about how she couldn’t get any crusading done without Apple Bloom or some nonsense like that. Ditzy hesitated, realizing she had remembered not one, but two other pony’s names. She was improving, and thanked Celestia.

“Ten.” Ditzy said sternly to Scootaloo, who quickly understood that meant ten minutes. She and Apple Bloom started playing, rolling around in the dirt and whatnot. Ditzy turned back to the mare who mared the shop.

“Sorry.” Ditzy said to the shop-keep sincerely. Despite the words vagueness, it communicated the message alright.

“Oh, it’s not as bad wit’ jus’ the one... usually.” The appletastic pony said. “Say, ain’t you Derpy Hooves?

Ditzy was agitated. “Ditzy Doo.” She corrected, making sure to convey how much she disliked being called that.

“Oh dear, Ah’m very sorry... Miss Doo.” The orange pony apologized. “Ah’m Applejack, but if that’s hard tah remember y’all can call me AJ.” Applejack grabbed Ditzys right front hoof with both her front hooves and shook profusely. “So tell mah Ditzy, why’re y’all watching Scootaloo t’day?”

Ditzy pulled away from the hoofshake and shook her exhausted leg. “Detective. Mark.” These two words conveyed to Applejack that Ditzy was a Detective, and Scootaloo was tagging along to get her Cutie Mark. Ditzy was never sure how so little said so much, it just did.

Part of her Cutie Mark, she supposed. The bubbles represented a Detective’s Pipe, as Ditzy learned from a quick browse through a Cutie Mark reading book. She had read the book while gazing at a stallion that caught her eye not long after she got her Cutie Mark.

Ditzy turned her attention back toward AJ and the foals, each one getting an eye. Applejack was dealing with a customer who appeared to be her friend; a unicorn with an elegant purple mane. She overheard that her name was Rarity.

The two fillies played with each-other fine, rolling about in the mud and whatnot. She smiled a bit, as they kind of reminded her of herself as a child. Not as talkative, though. She turned back to Applejack.

Rarity had gone, and Ditzy pointed at the jar, impressed. Applejack knew what was meant here without Ditzy even needing to speak, which she was thankful for. “Funnah thing is, most o’ this was from just one sale!.” AJ explained.

Ditzy raised an eyebrow, so as to inquire further, while inwardly grinning. Perhaps this could help on her case. “Yeah, a colt bought a single apple, poured his knapsack full o’ bits in the jar and galloped off.”

“Who?” There was that word again.

“Ah ain’t sure. He was tall, with a long neck. I didn’t know ‘im, but I bet Pinkie Pie could tell ya. She knows darn near everypony in Ponyville, you could prob’ly find ‘er at Sugar Cube Corner.” AJ explained. “Apple Bloom!” She barked, and the earth filly begrudgingly walked up to Applejack, with Scootaloo behind.

“Yes, big sister?” she sighed in a depressing monotone.

“Remember that weird customer from earlier? Well ah need you to lead Der... Ditzy to Sugar Cube Corner, and describe him to Pinkie.”

“Alright, big sister... ”

“Oh, you mean Snails? Yeah, he’s not bright. I’m not sure how he got all that money, though. But I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t intend to give AJ all the bits he had. You know, this one time he and his friend Snips brought an Ursa Minor to town just to win the affection of this show-offy mare? Yeah, her name was Tammy or something. She left town after that, and was upstaged by Twilight Sparkle, the best magician in all of Ponyville!” The pink pony babbled almost as bad as Scootaloo and her friends did. But at least it was educational.

“Where?” Ditzy inquired of the pink pony, wondering where she could find this Snips fellow.

“Oh, Twilight? She lives in the library, which is really weird. I mean, I know she likes books, but why is there a house built into the library? For that matter, why is the library built into a tree? Seems like flammable central to me. And Twilight isn’t even the librarian, so like, why does she live there? I just don’t get it. Hey, do you know why they call it a hacksaw? Fluttershy once asked me why they call it a hacksaw and she was snickering but it’s a good question! Hacksaws don’t hack, they saw! Knives hack, although they can also saw, depending on how you use them. Knives should be called hacksaws, and hacksaws should just be called saws.”

Ditzy was getting tired of this. She stuffed a hoof in the pink ponys face. “Where... ” Ditzy took a second to remember the name. She was getting better at this, but she wasn’t sure why. She had always had a problem with names, and no deus ex machina had popped up to fix that. Ah well, she thought.

“... Snails.” She finished. She slowly took her hoof out of Pinkie’s mouth, and Pinkie made an ‘aaaah’ of understanding.

“Snails lives... ” Pinkie trailed off. “I can show you! Say, what is this for, anyway?” Pinkie said as she walked out the door, gesturing, for Ditzy and the fillies to come along.

Ditzy sighed. One of the last things she needed was this mare alongside her, especially with 2 of the 3 Cutie Mark Crusaders there as well.

“And then I won the Best Young Flier’s competition using a Sonic Rainboom! Oh, and that time I stood up to a sleeping dragon? Oh, and then there was the time that I got rid of all the Parasprites!” Pinkie did a double take. “Wait, no, that last one wasn’t me. Heh heh, never mind.”

All 3 of Pinkie’s traveling companions were confused. She apparently single-handedly stopped Nightmare Moon, pulled off 2 Sonic Rainbooms, and had 6 different Cutie Marks. Regardless, they had arrived at the house of Snails and his parents. It was an odd house, fitting Snails’ appearance.

Ditzy gave Pinkie and Apple Bloom a look that indicated something along the lines of “Get out of my face”. Pinkie grabbed Apple Bloom and bounded away cheerfully oblivious. Ditzy tapped the door with her hoof.

It was opened by a grinning red stallion with a very long neck. When he spoke, he spoke with a heavy Trottish accent. “What can I do ye fer, lass?” Ditzy reached into her saddlebag and pulled out her badge. “Good day to ye, detective. Please, come inside me abode.”

Ditzy walked inside the house, and observed the area. A television was on, and a yellow mare with long legs was watching something. A flight of stairs presumably led to the bedrooms, which is likely where her suspect was.

“So tell me lassie, what’s the problim ‘ere?” The stallion asked.

Ditzy tapped Scootaloo on the shoulder. “There’s been a robbery, and one of our leads is Snails. We have been told he resides here, is this correct?” Scootaloo explained. Ditzy had to give the kid credit for being able to get down to buisness when it was needed.

“Och, what’s ‘e gottin ‘imself into now?” The Trottish stallion groaned. “‘E’s upstairs, in ‘is room. Uh, second door on yer left.”

Ditzy trotted up the stairs and knocked on Snails’ door. She heard lots of shuffling, a bit of whispering, and very slow hoofsteps. A unicorn colt that matched Applejack’s description stood there; orange coat, green mane, odd proportions.

“D’aallo,” The colt said in an odd, nasally voice that he must have gotten from his mother. “How would you like to buy a jewelry tuhday?” Ditzy was confused; just about everypony she’d run into today was unbearable.

“Theif.” Ditzy said. She tried her best to not make it an accusation.

“Yes, we will have all the-” Snails began, seemingly confessing, but was cut off by two very loud sssshes from somewhere else in the room. If this kid really was the crook, this would be officially the stupidest criminal she had ever seen.

Realizing that whoever his accomplices, the shushers, were, they had to be smarter than him, she started looking around the room. It wasn’t hard to find the long, white tail sticking out from under the bed. Ditzy hovered above the ground, and flipped upside-down, peering into the space.

Under the bed were another colt, a short and pudgy green one with a cutie mark of Scissors, and a blue mare wearing a pointy hat covered in stars. They were huddled together, clutching a plastic bag full of money, jewelry and other various valuables.

Pulling the mare out by her tail, Ditzy recognized the mare as the one braggart pony who came to town a while back with her magic show. She remembered the debacle about the space bear thing.

“Scootaloo.” She said to her orange assistant standing in the doorway. Scootaloo grabbed the blue mare and held her as Ditzy pulled the colt holding the bag out from under the bed.

“You idiotic foal, you’ve ruined the amazing plans of me, The Great and Powerful Trixie!” the Unicorn mare proclaimed. “And I would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for that meddling mare, and that stupid filly!”

Ditzy wasn’t too suprised when the jury voted guilty. The colts were underage, so all they got was a few months of juvy, but Trixie’s charges were much worse, and she was sentenced to several years in prison.

The photograph was left there by Snails, who they had evidently made do all the dirty work. When asked why he put it there, his answer had something to do with only eating omelets on Tuesdays. It remained a mystery, but considering Trixie’s confession, perhaps it didn’t need to be solved just yet.

Trixie had revealed that ever since Twilight Sparkle one-upped her and revealed her fraud, she’s been unable to perform, and thus unable to make a living. She had her lackeys in Ponyville steal some valuables, and sell them to support her.

Scootaloo got tired of detective work, and Ditzy searched around town for another one. She ended up meeting a stallion, a handsome brown one with an hourglass Cutie Mark. He became Ditzy’s new assistant, and, perhaps, a bit more.

Scootaloo and her friends continued crusading, as they always do. Bon-Bon let Applejack keep the money Snails mistakenly gave to her, and Applejack used it to fix things up around the farm; The saggy old barn, Big Macintosh’s saggy old plow, Granny Smith’s saggy old hip.

Pinkie threw a party to celebrate the successful capture of the thieves, and Ditzy, despite attending the party, attempted to avoid Pinkie like the plague. She failed.

Not too long after the incident, Snips and Snails were let out with good behavior, and got a stern talking-to by their parents. But they were fine, and if anything, a couple months in the pit helped them clean up their act, and be better ponies.

Carrot Top caught Angel, Fluttershy’s bunny, raiding her fridge, and profusely apologized to Ditzy for accusing her. Lyra and Bon-Bon remained... friends. And just about everypony lived happily ever after. Except for...

The ‘Great and Powerful’ Trixie sat in her Great and Powerful jail cell, with a magic clasp upon her horn preventing her from what she did best. A guard came up to the cell and tossed an apple in to her.

The apple was small, and a tad overripe, but it was basically the best Trixie got in way of prison food. She spoke up to the guard.

“You know, one day I’ll be free... and the first thing I’ll do when I escape is wipe that Derpy fool off the face of Equestria!”

She heard a cheer from a few cells over, and another from somepony else. Trixie grinned; looks like she wasn’t the only one with a grudge against Ditzy Doo. This would be easier than she thought...

THE END... ?

Yes. Not kidding. I guess you guys can continue this if you want, and maybe the persona I’ve made for Ditzy here will recur in other fics, but I’m done with this. Probably. If I get a good idea for another Detective Doo story, sure, maybe I’ll keep going.

But don’t expect it, guys. And definitely don’t expect a resolution of this ‘ere Cliffhanger. Trixie fans, go ahead and believe Trixie got her revenge. Ditzy fans, go ahead and believe she defeated Trixie again. Fans of both? You’re on your own. Derpy/Trixie shipping fans? Uhhhh...sorry?