Caretaker

by Zauberelefant

Rating: teen
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Slice of Life, Human, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Sad
Length: 12697

At first glance you would expect that living in Equestria would be nice. However, for Anon it has not turned out so well and to top it off there's some stupid retard crashing into him.

Anon does not like Equestria.
It's not that life there is too hard for him, quite the opposite.
The ponies have been generous enough to provide him with clothing, shelter, and more food than he could possibly eat.
And he hates it.
In this new world everything he had learned has suddenly become useless.
All he can do now is mooch off of others.
And to top it off some stupid retard decides to crash into him

Published 2017-02-21 04:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-08-06 22:50:47 UTC

Chapter 1

You angrily stomp down one of Ponyville's many streets, clenching your fists so hard it almost hurts.

It's bullshit, it's fucking bullshit.

You're the one who should have gotten the job, not that stupid unicorn that's not even qualified to stack boxes. At first glance you'd think that a land of magical, colorful ponies would be a great place to live but it really isn't when everyone is so prejudiced against humans that they'll hire a literal retard over someone who'd actually do the job well. You stop for a second and close your eyes, taking a deep breath to try and calm yourself down but you just can't get the face of that stupid unicorn out of your head.

When you reopen your eyes and start walking again your vision is suddenly filled with a gray mass of fur and feathers, preceding the impact to your head by a mere fraction of a second. You painfully fall onto your ass, eventually ending up on your back from the inertia.

You're a little groggy from the fall but you can feel something warm and heavy lying on top of you. With some effort you manage to metaphorically shake off the dizziness and notice that your vision is still filled with the same gray fur from before. One of Ponyville's pegasi must have flown into you.

You clench your fists and sit up, angrily pushing the pony off of you. It's surprisingly light, landing in the dirt next to you with a surprised yelp.

"Can't you watch where you're going, you fucking retard!?", you yell at the pony as you get to your feet and roughly pat the dirt off of your pants.

You really don't need this shit right now.

However, instead of responding to your accusations the pony that had caused you to fall down, a gray-coated mare with a blonde mane as you can now clearly see, keeps lying on the ground in front of you, covering her head with her forehooves.

"I'm sorry", she whimpers as she starts crying, breaking down into hysterical sobs in mere seconds.

You notice from the corner of your eye that ponies are beginning to gather around you, silently looking at you and the cowering pegasus with their big, judging eyes.

Fuck, not this again.

You anger almost immediately dissipates as the cold feeling of regret spreads throughout your body.

"H-Hey now, I'm really sorry for yelling at you, please don't cry", you say as soothingly as you possibly can, though the pony in front of you doesn't seem to react to it at all.

The surrounding ponies are starting to whisper and even though it's barely audible it feels almost deafening, causing trails of cold sweat to run down your back. In an attempt to salvage the situation you reach down and gently put your hand on the mare's shoulder, at which point she actually stops crying for a second and raises her head.

She looks up at you with big, golden eyes, slightly red from crying, though there's something else about them ten times more noticeable: Her eyes are completely misaligned, and while one of them is fixated onto you the other one seems to be aimlessly staring off into the distance.

"Are you alright?"

"No", the mare answers between sobs, "Mr. Hoofington is gone and I can't find him and I'm really hungry."

Okay?

"Well, then why don't we go into Sugarcube Corner?", you say as you point at the building next to you, "I'll get you something to eat and you can tell me all about Mr. Hoofton."

And more importantly it will get the two of you out of the open and just maybe your reputation won't be completely ruined after this.

You hold out a hand and force yourself to give the mare in front of you a warm smile, though you feel like it probably looks absolutely terrible to anyone looking. After hesitantly looking at your hand for a second though, the pony in front of you reaches out with her hoof, allowing you to pull her up.

"Follow me!", you say with no small amount of relief as you lead the mare out of the circle of onlookers and into Sugarcube Corner, where the two of you thankfully seem to be alone.

Currently, though it's sign reads 'OPEN', no one else seems to be at Sugarcube Corner, not even the counter where the various pastries are lined up seems to be manned, or rather, ponied. You walk up to the counter with the sniffling pony following closely behind you, but even under closer inspection no one seems to be there.

"Pinkie?", you call out, not getting a response other than your own echo.

Whatever, you'll just take what you want and leave the money here.

"What would you like?", you ask the pony next to you.

"A muffin", she answers weakly, the fact that she was crying just a few moments ago still apparent in her voice.

You fish two bits out of your pocket and put them onto the counter before taking out one of the desired pastries. Despite her intense strabismus the small horse's eyes seem to fixate on the muffin in your hand and you're just about to give it to her when you get a better idea:

If you were to just give her the muffin, she'll just eat it and leave, but if you get her to sit down with you she'll probably stay a little longer. You should probably try to keep the amount of ponies that see her crying to a minimum and more likely than not she'll calm down in a few minutes.

You sit down at one of the empty tables and put down the muffin on top of it. Your plan was to make her sit down this way, however, the moment you set down the muffin the pony leaps at it and snatches it up with her hooves like a bolt of gray lightning.

Instinctively you jerk your hand back and when you recover from the surprise you look at the pony to see that she's already stuffed the whole muffin into her mouth, swallowing it down only a few seconds later. Never before have you seen anyone eat that fast, and you've seen Pinkie Pie eat.

"You must have been pretty hungry, huh?"

The mare was busy picking clean the muffin liner with her mouth, but when she hears your voice she looks up at you with small crumbs stuck on her snout.

"Yes", she says, "I haven't eaten anything today or yesterday and it's been a really long time since I had a muffin."

Now that you get a better look at her you notice that her coat and mane are rather dirty, and not only from when she fell down earlier. Judging by her smell she didn't take a bath in at least a week either.

Is she homeless or something?

The pony's eyes meet yours and she quickly falters under your gaze, meekly looking away to the side with a slight tremble in her body.

Did you accidentally look at her angrily or something? Ponies always seem to think that you're in a bad mood even when you're not. Sure, you yelled at her earlier, but you're being nice to her, are you not?

You sigh and get up from the much too small pony chair.

Well, you wouldn't want to trouble her with your presence so you might as well go.

You start walking towards the exit when the pony speaks up from behind you:

"Wait!"

You turn back around to see that the pony is looking at you, or at least she is with one eye.

"Where are you going?", she asks with a strange sincerity in her voice.

"Home I guess", you reply.

Normally you'd expect that the words she chose would be used more aggressively, but she somehow made it sound like she just wanted to know where you're going. She still doesn't seem to overly like your answer though.

"But you said that you'll help me find Mr. Hoofington", she says with a troubled expression on her face and a tone of voice that almost makes it sound like she's feeling betrayed.

Is she trying to guilt trip you or something? You don't exactly appreciate it when people, or ponies for that matter, try to manipulate you like that.

Now that you think about it, however, while you didn't promise to help her you did say that you'd at least listen to her.

You walk back to the table and sit down again.

"Right, sorry."

Your time is pretty much worthless anyways, so you might as well keep your word.

You had expected the mare to sit down on the other side of the table but she instead walks up to you and extends one of her forehooves. After an awkward second where you just stare at her hoof in confusion you understand that she wants you to shake it. Realizing your mistake you quickly take hold of the hoof and promptly receive an overly enthusiastic and clumsy handshake.

"My name is Derpy", the pony states, "Mommy said that it's very important to properly greet ponies when you meet them and we didn't do that yet."

Her mommy? Isn't she an adult?

Also you're aware that pony names are a little weird but calling your daughter Derpy when her eyes are misaligned like that seems kind of cruel to you.

"I'm Anon", you reply dryly as you motion for the seat opposite of you.

Let's get this over with.

Derpy takes the hint and sits down on the other side of the table, where her smell thankfully doesn't hit you as strongly. For a few seconds she just sits there, looking at you silently and apparently awaiting further input.

"So", you prompt her, "You said you were looking for someone, right?"

"Yes, I'm looking for Mr. Hoofington", she answers as if you're supposed to know who that is.

"Well, could you tell me a little more about him?", you ask when it seems like she's not going to elaborate, "Like, what does he look like?"

"He has a gray coat like me, but with a brown mane and he always looks tired and sick", Derpy says thoughtfully, "And he often cries when he's alone in his room and sometimes I come in because I want to cheer him up but then he gets angry at me."

What the fuck?!

Not only did that have nothing to do with your question at all, it also sounds like the guy has some serious problems.

"How do you know Mr. Hoofington?", you ask cautiously.

"He's the pony that takes care of me and it's his job to make sure I have something to eat and to help me with all the complicated things that I don't understand."

You had already gotten the impression that she's not very bright, even for a pony, but apparently she has some sort of legitimate disability if she needs someone else to look after her. Though by the looks of it that someone hasn't been doing his job recently.

"When was the last time you saw Mr. Hoofington?", you ask her.

"Three days ago I went to bed and I said good night to Mr. Hoofington but he didn't answer because he drank alcohol and he was already asleep and then I went to bed and when I woke up I was all alone. And then I waited for him to come home but he didn't come home and I went to sleep again and I waited for him to come home again. But there was nothing to eat anymore and I got really hungry but I didn't want to leave the house because Mr. Hoofington said that I'm not allowed to leave the house by myself. And then I went to sleep again and when I woke up I was really hungry and I left the house and then I walked into you."

If you're being honest Derpy's story doesn't shed the most favorable light onto Mr Hoofington, after all it pretty much sounds like he's a piece of shit drunk who just decided to ditch her, but still for someone like Derpy it's probably pretty bad when her caretaker just disappears.

"I don't think I can help you find Mr. Hoofington", you say as you get up, "But I think I know someone who can."

Chapter 2

"... and that's when we left Sugarcube Corner and went back to the castle."

"I see", Twilight says as she scribbles down some notes about what you just told her, "Is there anything you'd like to add, Derpy?"

The pony in question looks up from her food, though the confused look on her face makes you think she wasn't really paying attention to what Twilight just said.

"I'll take that as a no", Twilight concedes when it's clear that she won't get an answer other than some light chewing noises.

Derpy meanwhile doesn't seem to care all that much, promptly going back to messily eating the sandwiches you made for her.

Not that you can blame her. If you hadn't eaten anything for more than a day you probably wouldn't be paying attention either. It still amazes you how such a little pony can eat so much.

"Anyways", you say as you look back at Twilight, "where do we go from here?"

"Well", Twilight begins as she closely double-checks her notes, "if what we've gathered so far is correct, we'll definitely need to contact the Ponyville Guard about this. Whether or not it's by intention, a pony going missing is definitely a serious issue, especially when they've taken on such serious responsibilities."

You briefly glance at Derpy when she's being mentioned but she probably wouldn't understand what Twilight meant even if she wasn't busy stuffing her face with sandwiches.

"So considering that Spike is currently unavailable I'll go ahead and report things to the guard while you should stay here and keep Derpy company."

You nod.

"Alright, sounds like a plan."

"Until later, then", Twilight says as she powers up a teleportation spell, disappearing only a moment later.

The small bang and bright flash of the spell make Derpy look up again, apparently now done with her sandwich.

"Where did Twilight go?", she asks as she curiously looks around the room.

"She went to go look for Mr. Hoofington", you say, noticing the small crumbs of bread stuck on Derpy's snout, "Do you want another sandwich?"

Derpy just seems to notice the bread crumbs around her mouth as well as she quickly picks them up with her tongue before giving you an enthusiastic "Yes!".

Picking up the plate in front of Derpy you quickly leave the room towards the nearby kitchen where you find that you've already used up your entire supply of daisies.

Whatever, you doubt that Derpy is overly picky right now.

You quickly grab a cucumber from the fridge and start slicing it up.

As with most things in Twilight's household the act of buying ingredients has been optimized to the point where absolutely nothing is wasted, though that also means that there is only enough regular food for the people Twilight planned for. All of her meals are thoroughly planned, at least making it relatively easy to cook for her.

You've done a lot of that recently, haven't you? It's pretty much your only way of repaying Twilight for letting you stay in one of the castle's empty rooms, and you're glad there's something you can do at all, but making food for a purple pony princess is certainly not what you aspired to do in life.

Back on earth you were a physicist, now you're a mere cook.

You notice that you've accidentally stopped slicing up the cucumber and you quickly pick up again, this time focusing on your task to make sure your thoughts don't drift off again. Once you're done with the cucumber you put the pieces between two slices of bread and make a simple, but quick sandwich. When you carry it back to where you had left Derpy, you find that she has moved from where she had sat earlier to look at a pile of handwritten notes, stacked up neatly next to Twilight's place at the dinner table.

"What's this?", she asks as she looks up at you with her big, golden eyes.

"I'm studying unicorn magic", you explain as you walk up to her, "And I'm letting Twilight read my notes so she can see how I'm doing."

"Why are you studying unicorn magic?", Derpy asks as you put down the plate in front of her, "You're not a unicorn, you're a ..."

Derpy looks at you quizzically, apparently just thinking about how you're a weird alien from another dimension.

"I'm a human", you say, "And while I can't do magic, I hope to get at least a theoretical education in Princess Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns."

The demand for theoretically focused unicorns is so high that you're bound to get hired with a degree from that school.

Derpy meanwhile has gone to just blankly staring at you in response, apparently not understanding what you just said. She then looks back at your notes though and comes up with another question:

"Why are some of the words red?"

"Twilight is going through my notes when she eats breakfast and when she notices that I've done something wrong she marks it with red ink."

"There's a lot of red", Derpy remarks, probably not meaning to be as cynical as she sounded just now.

Unfortunately she is right though. Despite your best efforts your understanding of unicorn magic is still very limited. The underlying mathematical concepts are almost completely alien to you and since you've only recently arrived in Equestria your intuition is completely wrong.

Twilight is being very patient with you, seeing as you're willing to learn, but you just feel so humiliated every time she corrects one of your mistakes and you don't even understand why you're wrong. It's your first year of college all over again.

"Anyways, here's another sandwich", you say sullenly, trying to change the subject.

Despite your tone of voice being more negative than you intended, Derpy's face immediately lights up when her gaze falls onto the food in front of her. Overly happy for no discernible reason she quickly reaches for it with one of her hooves, but in the process she seems to somehow throw herself off balance.

She tries to regain balance by extending her wings but in the process accidentally sweeps one of them across the table, missing the plate, but scattering your notes across the floor along with the ink pot Twilight used earlier. Just as your luck would have it the ink is splattered all over your notes rendering the better part of them unreadable and useless.

"Can't you be more careful!?", you hiss through clenched teeth, audibly annoyed.

"I'm sorry!", is all that Derpy manages to get out before she breaks down crying again, curling up on the floor in front of you.

You just stand there, dumbfounded by this turn of events. Earlier when you pushed her and actually yelled at her you could sort of see why she'd break down crying, but what you just did definitely doesn't warrant that sort of reaction. You also notice that just like earlier she wraps her hooves around her head as if to protect it.

Just what has she been through?

Realizing that you've done nothing but stand there and watch her cry you quickly reach down and gently use your hands to pick her up, soothingly rubbing Derpy's back in the process. The small pony in your arms seems eager to be forgiven, rubbing her face into your chest as she almost incoherently mumbles the words "I'm sorry" over and over again. You tell her that it's okay, and that you're not angry, though with Derpy's head that close to your nose you're abruptly reminded that there's something else that you need to take care of.

Making sure that you've properly taken hold of her small frame you carry the small, crying pony towards the bathroom.

Chapter 3

With slow, diligent movements you rub the shampoo into Derpy's mane, gently massaging her scalp with your fingers. She's mostly calmed down now, only sniffling a little from time to time as she sits in the bathtub, facing away from you.

You're not sure whether she would be able to take a bath by herself considering the state you found her in and even though you'd like to ask her about it you don't know if you should. She must have been through a lot if a light scolding is all it takes to make her break down in tears and maybe you should give her a little more time to calm down. You feel like right now she can definitely use the attention you're giving her anyways.

On the other hand, maybe the best course of action is to actually go a step further and to actively talk to her, to let her know she's not alone. You feel a little dizzy as you stare at the back of Derpy's head, unsure of what to do.

Ultimately you end up doing nothing, just washing Derpy's mane and coat in silence until there's a sudden shift in her body:

"Anon", she asks as she turns around to face you, "what's a human?"

Right, you did use that word earlier, didn't you?

"You see ... I'm a human", you begin, though when you realize how unhelpful that explanation is you continue, "Biologically speaking humans are kind of similar to monkeys."

"But you don't look like a monkey at all", Derpy objects with a confused expression on her face.

"Well, where I come from there are quite a lot of people who said the same thing", you say, slightly bemused.

"Where did you come from?", Derpy asks, now turning around fully to face you.

"Twilight said I come from a completely different world, one who's space and time are entirely disjoint from what we're experiencing right now", you explain, though it only earns you a confused look from Derpy.

Right, she probably didn't understand a word of what you just said.

"I come from a faraway place", you say, trying to put things into words she'll understand, "And I've lived there my whole life until suddenly-"

You clap your hands for dramatic effect, making Derpy jump a little in surprise.

"I wake up here in Ponyville and I don't know how I got here or how to get back. Do you understand now?"

"Yes", Derpy says as she seems to look off to the side, nodding absentmindedly.

Suddenly she jerks her head back at you and despite her misaligned eyes you feel like Derpy's gaze is becoming very focused.

"Have you seen my mommy?", she asks, sounding strangely hopeful.

"No", you answer, feeling like that is not what Derpy wanted to hear from you, "I don't think so."

"Oh, okay", Derpy says, clearly disappointed by your answer.

"Why ... why did you ask whether I've seen your mommy?" you ask carefully.

"Because you said that you come from a faraway place", Derpy answers as if that explained things. Apparently sensing your confusion she adds: "Mommy and I went to the hospital. And normally when we go to the hospital I'm hurt but that time I wasn't hurt and I thought that maybe I got hurt and I didn't notice and that made me feel a little scared. And then mommy and I went to a stallion with white clothes and a weird tube hanging around his neck and he said something to mommy that I didn't understand and then mommy started crying."

You don't like where this is going.

"And then mommy said that we'd have to stay in the hospital for a few days and I said that I wanted to go home but mommy said that we couldn't. And then mommy got really sad and she told me that I'd have to be strong now and that she'd go to a faraway place. And then I told her that I wanted to come with her but mommy said that I can't and that made me feel really sad. Mommy said that I'll see her again when my time has come and that I'll have to be patient."

A small tear mixes in with the water on Derpy's face as she squeezes her eyes shut.

"I don't understand. Why did she have to go? Every day I think about her and I want to see her again and it makes me hurt inside."

Shit, what are you supposed to do now?

"You said that you came from a faraway place, so did you see mommy?", Derpy asks you again.

"I'm sorry", you say even though you'd like to tell her otherwise, "But I think your mommy and I have been talking about two very different kinds of faraway places."

"But what kind of place did mommy go to?", Derpy asks, clearly upset, "Mr. Hoofington said that she's now in the ground but I know that that's a lie. Mommy once told me that sometimes ponies say something that's not true and that that's called lying and I know that it's a lie because the ground is not far away. It's just her body that was put into the ground."

Actually even in Equestria where souls are a reality it is not clear what will happen to you once you die. The boundaries between dimensions allow passage only in one direction, hence you will never be able to return home, and ponies will never know what awaits them in the afterlife until after they're dead.

Derpy looks at you intensely, as if expecting a word of wisdom that you do not have.

"I'm sorry, Derpy", you say as you look away to the side, "I just don't know about these things."

You're not looking at Derpy directly anymore, but you can see a tremble running through her body, accompanied by a quiet sob.

Though your words were honest, you're beginning to regret them.

Why did she have to put you on the spot like that?
Hundreds of brilliant unicorns weren't able to figure this stuff out, how are you of all people supposed to know?

When Derpy's body is shook by another sob you quickly look back at her, and she stares right back at you.

"Look", you improvise, "I know that sometimes life is hard and it can hurt."

You pause for a moment to think of what to say next.

"But at the end of every tunnel there is a light and no matter how bad things may look right now in the end everything will turn out fine."

You feel like your words are neither original nor particularly meaningful, but Derpy seems to completely absorb every syllable you speak.

"Because when you're doing good things to others, good things will be done to you."

"Really?", Derpy asks wide-eyed.

If someone had just told you the same thing in all seriousness your response would have been a laugh at most.

"Of course", you say with a smile and somehow despite everything Derpy looks like you managed to make her feel at least a little bit better.

Chapter 4

You let the comb glide through Derpy's mane one last time before setting it aside and admiring your handiwork.

"I think we're done."

The small pony in your lap turns her head around to look at you, smiling brightly with her crossed eyes. There were a lot of knots in Derpy's mane but you think you managed to get at least most of them out.

"Can you do my tail next?", she asks happily as she runs through her mane with one of her hooves.

You don't see why not. If her tail is as tangled as her mane was it's probably a good idea.

You tell Derpy as much and she shifts around in your lap a little to give you better access to her tail, swinging it upwards and almost hitting you in the face had you not quickly pulled back. Using one of your hands to keep Derpy's swinging tail in place you use the other to pick up the comb again, carefully letting it run along the length of Derpy's appendage.

You realize that this is the first time that you've touched a pony's tail, or that you've really had any extended physical contact with a pony for that matter. There was that one time when you were tackled to the ground shortly after arriving in Equestria because you 'looked like a monster' but you don't really count that.

Eventually you manage to straighten out Derpy's tail though and she quickly jumps out of your lap with a flap of her wings.

Well, everything's got an end you guess.

You notice that Derpy is walking up to a nearby ledge that was built into the wall, which is where you had gotten the comb from, getting onto her hind legs as she seems to be looking for something. After a few seconds she seems to find what she was looking for, quickly walking back to you with a brush in her mouth.

Didn't you already do that?

Regardless, you can see that behind the brush she's giving you a happy, little smile so you might as well spoil her a little. You take the brush from Derpy's mouth and she promptly gets onto her hind legs again, clumsily climbing into your lap with her small hooves. She sits down with her back facing towards you, giving you an expectant look.

It doesn't take you long to get to work, setting the brush against Derpy's scalp and slowly moving it down the length of her hair. When you were using the comb the experience was a little rough; Now with all the knots already out of her hair the brush slides quite effortlessly through Derpy's silk-like mane. You don't really get the point of combing her hair a second time but if you look at her and see how she leans into you with her eyes closed, sighing happily with each stroke of the brush, you get the feeling that if nothing else Derpy at least seems to be enjoying the attention you're giving her.

You continue brushing Derpy's mane for a few minutes, eventually moving on to her tail. This time around she seems to be a lot more relaxed, keeping her tail almost perfectly still apart from the occasional lazy sway.

Eventually she seems to have had enough though, jumping out of your lap and onto the floor in front of you. She looks back at you with a radiant smile that you can't help but return, and you notice how different Derpy looks with her hair straightened out. And also despite how obvious it is now that she's in dire need of a haircut she somehow seems more colorful, more brilliant than before.

Then Derpy shakes her head, returning her mane to the unkempt look you're used to. Still, she seems different.

As if on cue Derpy says: "Mommy always says that the right way to do your mane is to first use a comb and then a brush because then it gets all clean and shiny."

Makes sense you guess. You're just going to assume that her mother knew what she's talking about here because you sure don't.

"Now you're a pretty pony, aren't you?", you remark as you stand up.

"Really, Anon?", Derpy asks, weirdly enthusiastic, "Am I a pretty pony?"

"The prettiest of them all", you say as you ruffle Derpy's hair and you can't help but smile at how excited she gets over a simple compliment.

With your pretty pony in tow you leave the bathroom, looking for Twilight. Seems like she's not in her bedroom, nor in the kitchen or the room where you always eat together.

She's probably still out talking to the Ponyville Guard.

Remembering one last place where you might find her you take the door opposite from her bedroom and enter the castle's core library, where Twilight keeps her most frequently used books. It's also the perfect place to study or read since it's right at the center of the castle and thanks to the thick walls surrounding it almost perfectly quiet.

However, Twilight doesn't seem to be here either.

With a sigh you sit down on the pile of cushions at the center of the room, resigning to the fact that Twilight is not available right now. Next to you Derpy also climbs onto the cushions, lying down on her belly while attentively looking at you with her big eyes.

She must be expecting you to do something, though you don't really know what to do right now yourself. You let your gaze wander around the room, eventually resting it on the stack of books that you've been reading recently.

"Hey, Derpy, how about I read you a story?"

Chapter 5

"Stealthily like a panther waiting to strike Daring Do peeked out of the bush she was hiding in, waiting for the perfect moment to leap at the guard in front of her."

"Anon, what's a panther?", Derpy asks as she looks up at you.

"It's a big cat", you explain, gesturing with your hands to emphasize the size, "like a tiger but all black."

You don't think your explanation was all that good, but Derpy still seems to hang on your every word. She's so easily drawn in.

Daring Do is not the only book series Twilight has been recommending, but it's definitely the one that Twilight has been recommending the most, and considering that even someone like Rainbow Dash could like it you figured that Derpy might like it too. Also the first part of the series happened to be right there on top of the stack of books Twilight is reading right now so it was pretty convenient.

Though it's not quite your cup of tea, you can't deny that it's well written and manages to deliver genuine tension. Derpy seems to be pretty into it.

"Anon, continue reading already!", she complains in response to you getting lost in thought.

Although it turned out she is actually able to read herself, Derpy doesn't seem to be very good at it, so right now you're the one reading the story out loud for her while she's leaning against the side of your body, peering into the book as she hugs your arm.

"The guard looked pretty tough, twice the height she was and wielding a razor-sharp spear in his powerful grip, but Daring was sure that with the element of surprise and a swift blow to the head she would be able to knock him out before he could call for help. Just as her luck would have it though the guard didn't get near enough for the experienced adventurer to unleash her fabled Thousand Hooves of Fury Technique upon her unsuspecting victim. However, just as she thought she'd have to look for another way inside the guard stretched and yawned, leaning against the wall in a way that left his back widely exposed towards Daring. This was her chance. Silent as a shadow Daring Do crawled out of her hiding spot, inching ever closer to her target."

"But that's really dangerous", Derpy interjects, squeezing your arm a little tighter from the tension.

You just continue reading:

"Daring had to get just a little closer ... Almost..."

"Anon!", someone suddenly shouts at you, causing you to jump a little and Derpy to jump a lot.

Her head collides with yours, disorienting you for a few seconds as a mind-numbing pain fills your world. After a moment of intelligible groaning you recover enough to see Twilight's angry figure standing in front of you.

"What's the meaning of this?", she asks, sounding positively pissed as she shoves a bunch of your ink-covered notes into your face. "I specifically told you what to do in case you ever spill ink onto important documents, and I specifically told you that you'd have to do it quickly.

So what the hay is this?", she shouts as she stomps her small hooves in anger.

Maybe you'd think it's cute if the pony in front of you wasn't able to kill you with a mere thought. Just as you're about to reply though Derpy speaks up:

"I'm sorry", she stammers out, still hugging your arm for comfort, "I didn't mean to do it, it was an accident."

Derpy's reply seems to alleviate Twilights anger somewhat.

"I'm not angry with you, Derpy", she says, "Accidents happen.

However", she continues as she shoots you a small glare, "I'm angry with Anon because he didn't do what I told him to, and now his notes are ruined."

"I'm sorry about the notes but I had other problems at the time", you say, motioning with your eyes towards Derpy, "I'll tell you later, okay?"

Twilight continues to glare at you for a second before letting out an exasperated sigh.

"Fine. Perhaps we can resolve this over dinner."

Dinner?

You look at the large grandfather clock to your right and find that according to Twilight's planning you should have had dinner more than half an hour ago. Earlier when you made Derpy some sandwiches you had used the opportunity to eat something yourself, but Twilight is probably pretty hungry by now.

"Anon, why don't you go ahead and prepare dinner for us?", Twilight suggests, "There are some letters that I'll need to write regarding what I've found today."

Well, that doesn't sound ominous at all.

"Okay", you say as you put down the Daring Do book.

All the more reason to get dinner ready so you'll know what this is all about. Without another word Twilight leaves the room, quickly followed by you after you've gotten up from the comfortable pile of cushions you were sitting on. You enter the kitchen and look at this month's meal plan.

Seems like it's time for porridge with applesauce. Unfortunately you're a little short on apples though. Or rather with the added company of Derpy the apples that were designated for this meal simply won't be enough. You're sure Twilight will understand when you use some of the apples that were meant as snacks for when she takes a break from reading.

You take the apples and put them into the sink, briefly rinsing them off with water.

"I want to help", a familiar voice proclaims from behind you.

It seems that Derpy has followed you into the kitchen. The next step involves cutting the apples into pieces though and you're not sure how much help Derpy would be with that. She seems to be pretty clumsy and you don't think it's a good idea to let her handle knives.

Although maybe...

You open a nearby drawer and after a bit of rummaging you present Derpy with a potato peeler.

"Can you help me peel the apples?", you say to Derpy as you hold it out to her.

Derpy nods before taking the peeler from you and after you hand her one of the apples she quickly gets to work, holding the apple in one hoof while using the other to carefully handle the peeler. You get another peeler for yourself from the drawer, barely even noticing the weirdness of how Derpy is able to manipulate objects with her bare hooves like that. Seems like with enough time you can become accustomed even to literal magic.

You start peeling apples yourself, making sure to keep an eye on Derpy. She seems to be working very carefully, but also not exactly very fast.

Before long you run out of unpeeled apples to peel and after grabbing a knife you start slicing up the peeled apples, removing their cores in the process. Just as you get done slicing up the last of your apples Derpy seems to finally finish peeling the one apple you had given her.

Honestly she's pretty fucking slow, but it's probably better for her to work slowly but carefully rather than for her to work faster but then to accidentally cut herself. Still when she gives you the peeled apple along with it she gives you a bright smile.

It's like despite her poor performance Derpy somehow manages to find pride in her work, like all that matters is that she got to help you.

Silently you take the apple from Derpy and cut it up, noticing how Derpy is eying the pile of peels.

"Can I eat the apple peels?", she asks, looking up at you.

"Sure", you say as you add the peels from your current apple to the pile, "I don't see why not."

If she hadn't asked you would have just eaten them yourself; After all it would be a waste to just throw them away.

Immediately after hearing your reply Derpy descends onto the peels, lapping them up with her tongue at a surprising speed.

You meanwhile put the cut up apples into a pot and start cooking them, adding just a little bit sugar to the mix.

When you turn back to Derpy you find that she's already eaten the entire pile of apple peels, and apparently some of the cores, too. At least when it comes to eating she seems to be rather fast.

You set up another pot for the porridge but just when you put the grain and the milk together you notice Twilight standing in the doorway. The look in her eyes suggests that she wants to talk.

"Hey, Derpy", you say, holding a wooden spoon out to her, "Can you stir the porridge with this spoon and make sure nothing gets burned?"

With a happy smile on her face Derpy takes the spoon from you and climbs onto the counter next to the pot, immediately beginning to stir the soon-to-be porridge with slow, vaguely circular movements.

There wasn't actually a need for Derpy to stir the porridge - Twilight has enchanted all of her pots to automatically create convection currents that prevent food burn - but you get the feeling that Twilight wants to talk about Derpy and you're not sure whether or not the two of you should be doing that privately.

You crouch down next to Twilight, whispering to her in a low voice:

"Is this about Derpy?"

"Not really", Twilight returns, also whispering but raising an eyebrow at the secrecy, "Is there a reason you don't want Derpy to hear us talk about her?"

"Well", you say before letting out a deep sigh, "Remember how I said that when Derpy spilled ink onto my notes I had other problems at the time?"

Twilight nods.

"The thing is that Derpy's reaction to the whole thing was to immediately break down crying, and moreover to cover her head with her hooves while apologizing to me over and over."

Twilight's expression grows dark.

"You don't mean...?"

"I don't know", you say with a sigh, "Fact is that Derpy's reaction to me getting even slightly annoyed at her was not normal at all and also that when I've found her she was hungry, dirty and all alone."

You look back at Derpy for a moment, at how happily she's stirring the pot right now. It makes what happened earlier almost feel like a distant dream.

"Whatever happened to her, we need to get to the bottom of it."

Chapter 6

You sullenly poke your food with your spoon, not really feeling like eating right now. It's not that the porridge turned out bad, it's quite good actually, it's just that the task that's lying ahead of you seems anything but pleasant.

You're sitting at the dinner table together with Twilight, who's casting you the occasional nervous glance, and Derpy, who's just happily chowing down on her food, completely oblivious to what's going on with Twilight and you.

After Twilight had told you about what she found when she went looking for Hoofington the two of you had decided you'd talk with Derpy about it over dinner. In retrospect you maybe should have been more specific in your planning because right now you're just awkwardly sitting at the table, unsure of how to start the conversation.

Eventually your patience runs thin.

"Derpy", you begin just as she's about to get herself another serving, "about Mr. Hoofington-"

"Did you find him?", Derpy cuts you off, looking at you hopefully.

You're almost paralyzed by her gaze, unable to get out a coherent response. When after a few seconds you haven't answered Twilight takes over:

"No, we didn't find him", she says hesitantly.

You can clearly see how the small sparkle in Derpy's eyes vanishes as her hope turns into disappointment. In your time in Equestria you've found that ponies are very expressive with their emotions and Derpy is anything but an exception.

"I asked around a little", Twilight continues, "and apparently Mr. Hoofington has left Ponyville. One of the ponies working at the train station remembered seeing him board the Canterlot Express."

"When will he come back?", Derpy asks, expectantly looking at Twilight and you.

"Derpy", you say with unease, "I don't think Mr. Hoofington will come back from Canterlot."

For a moment Derpy just stares at you blankly, unable to comprehend what you just said.

"He won't...? But..."

Small tears start leaking from Derpy's eyes as her face contorts with grief.

"Why is everypony leaving me alone?"

More tears flow from Derpy's eyes and even though she's not crying as hysterically as she did before, you can't help but feel like being abandoned by Hoofington has hurt her very deeply.

"Derpy", you ask carefully, "Did you like Mr. Hoofington?"

Only after you said it you notice how you unconsciously used past tense there.

"Yes", Derpy answers, unphased, though her voice sounds a little shaky.

You don't think she's lying to you, but so far this looks like she's just suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. It's probably a good idea to get more information.

"Can you tell us more about why you like him?", you say in what you hope to be a soothing voice.

"He always-" Derpy begins before her voice cracks, "He always says that he trusts me and that I'm a big pony and that I don't need help from anypony else."

You feel the corner of your mouth twitch a little. Considering the context of him being Derpy's caretaker that doesn't actually seem kind to you.

"But isn't he a totally mean pony?", Twilight blurts out, making you cringe internally.

God dammit Twilight, can't you be a little more careful with your wording?

"No he's not", Derpy protests, "Because when he's being mean to me it's not his fault."

For a second it's dead silent in the room. Even Derpy, who seems like she's not very good at recognizing social cues can tell that Twilight and you are not convinced.

"It's the alcohol's fault", she elaborates, "Because Mommy said that I'm not allowed to drink alcohol because it messes with your head and it makes you do things that you wouldn't do otherwise. And Mommy also said that she doesn't like Mr. Hoofington and when I asked her why she said that she doesn't like him because he's an alcoholic and that means that he has a sickness that makes him drink alcohol all the time."

She pauses briefly to take a breath.

"But that's really mean because it's not his fault for being sick."

"Look", you say calmly, "It's not that sim-"

"And also", Derpy cuts you off, "I mess up all the time even though I try really hard to follow the rules because sometimes I do something wrong and Mr. Hoofington says I broke a rule but I didn't know that there is a rule."

Over the course of her explanation Derpy's tone of voice has become increasingly heated, accompanied by a growing scowl on her face.

This is worse than you expected.

"Listen, I-"

"And one time it was Mr. Hoofington's birthday and I knew because I had asked him and I had made a cross on my calendar and I wanted to give him a birthday gift because he's always sad and I wanted him to not be sad anymore. So I went into the kitchen to make a birthday cake for him and it was really hard because I had to follow the recipe and I had to think really hard to do everything right. But then Mr. Hoofington came into the kitchen and I was surprised because I didn't know that he was there and I bumped into a bottle of alcohol that was standing on the counter. And then the bottle fell onto the floor and it broke and the smell made me feel sick and then Mr. Hoofington got really angry and he ... he..."

For a split second Derpy just stares off into the distance before all of her anger seems to just vanish as she breaks down crying.

Before you know what you're doing you've gotten out of your seat, quickly walking around the small table in front of you. You hadn't really planned ahead when you got up but when you see Derpy's crying form, curled up in a miserable pile, you know what to do: You scoop up the crying pony in your arms, gently rubbing her back as you hold her close.

Though Derpy is shying away from your touch at first she quickly returns the hug, burying her head in your chest as she let's it all out.

"I'm sorry", she repeats over and over again, staining your shirt with her tears.

"You're safe with us", Twilight says as she strokes Derpy's mane, "Nopony can hurt you now."

Though it takes a lot of gentle hugging and soothing whispers Twilight and you eventually manage to calm Derpy down, or at least you mange to reduce her crying to a quiet sniffle. She still hasn't let go of you, holding you tightly with her small hooves.

"Do you feel better now?", you ask her carefully.

Though it's a little hard to tell with Derpy's body so close to yours you think you see her nodding her head. For a second it's silent in the room until Derpy suddenly raises her head, pushing herself away from you.

"But if Mr. Hoofington is in Canterlot", she asks helplessly, "who's going to take care of me?"

That's a good question actually, you hadn't thought of that until now. The smile on Twilight's face makes you think that she has though.

"When I went looking for Mr. Hoofington I talked to the Mayor and we agreed that we'll need to find somepony else to take his place now that he's gone."

However, when she sees Derpy's horrified expression she quickly adds:

"O-only until he comes back from Canterlot, of course."

You can tell that Twilight is getting nervous. She doesn't react very well to unexpected problems.

"I told the Mayor that I know somepony who's very trustworthy and diligent who could start tomorrow."

She does work quite fast though, doesn't she.

Suddenly there's a shift in Twilight's expression, like she forgot something, and she gives you this weird, sheepish smile.

"So, Anon, what do you say, are you going to become Derpy's new caretaker?"

Wait, what?

Cold sweat starts running down your back as you piece together your situation. Twilight had not mentioned anything along the lines of you becoming Derpy's caretaker when you were talking earlier.

Why did she have to bring this up now, she knows how much you hate to be put on the spot like this. You look at her for an explanation but judging by her apologetic expression she didn't plan this either. Derpy just seems to be confused by what's going on, joining Twilight in looking at you expectantly.

It makes you realize that you still haven't given an answer, but you just don't feel ready to. A decision like that is not something to be taken lightly, you need time to think this through.

"I, uh..."

Suddenly Derpy's expression changes as she seems to understand.

"Are you going to take care of me?", she asks, with a small smile like she's actually looking forward to it.

It makes you feel weird.

"Sure, why not."

Chapter 7

You wake up feeling warm and comfortable. If nothing else you've been sleeping a lot better since you came to Equestria thanks to the magically enhanced mattresses and pillows that seem to be the standard here. Also, when compared to the city you were living in back on earth, the nights in Ponyville are really quiet.

Wait, why is you blanket moving?

You pull back the sheets and find that rather than your blanket it has been the pony under it that has been moving. Derpy has cuddled up next to you, hugging your side in her sleep.

Or at least she did that until now, because your movements seem to have woken her up.

"Good morning", she says happily as she slowly opens her eyes, stretching all six of her limbs in the process.

Good morning", you reply in turn, using the opportunity to wind out of her grasp and sit up on your bed.

Derpy also gets up, sitting in front you with a small smile on her face.

Why are you in my bed?", you ask her when it seems like she's not going to explain herself.

"Don't worry, I'm not angry", you add hastily when you see a mix of fear and confusion wash over her face, "I just want to know why."

"Because I went to bed and I fell asleep but then I had a bad dream", Derpy explains, "and I woke up and I couldn't fall asleep again because I felt all alone. And then I came into your room because you said that you're right next door and that I should come to you when I have a problem and I asked if I can sleep with you. And you said that it's okay so I got into your bed and I could fall asleep because I felt warm and safe and I didn't feel alone anymore."

"I see."

You don't remember any of that happening but you were probably still half asleep when she asked you.

"Did I do something wrong?", Derpy asks with a hint of worry in her voice.

No, no, nothing like that", you say as you hold up your hands up defensively, "I just didn't remember you coming to my room. I have no problem with you sleeping in my bed when it makes you feel better."

After all, as her caretaker it's kind of your job to make sure that she's well, be it physically or mentally. You didn't have enough time to think the offer through yesterday but you definitely made the right decision in accepting it.

Taking care of Derpy is definitely not the kind of job you were looking for but you can't pass up an opportunity such as this. Even if by the sound of it you might only be doing it temporarily it might still open up new opportunities for you.

Speaking of opportunities, what time is it right now?

You grab the clock from your nightstand to get a closer look.

It's half past eight. Still early, at least when you're going by Twilight's sleep schedule.

Derpy also seems to be interested in what it is you're holding, moving next to you to get a better look. However, judging by the panicked expression on her face her reaction seems to be quite different from yours.

"I'm going to be late for work!"

A few minutes later Derpy and you are leaving Twilight's castle. You barely have time to shut the door behind you because the moment she's outside Derpy starts flying down the street, quickly moving away from you.

Quick for your standards at least. For a pegasus she's not flying all that fast.

You break into a light jog, catching up with Derpy after a few seconds. However, the moment she notices that you've caught up she starts to fly faster, forcing you to keep jogging or be left behind.

Turns out Derpy can fly just as fast as any other pegasus, or at least she could if she was actually flying in a straight line. She constantly seems to be steering off to the side, forcing her to slow down and correct her course as she's getting dangerously close to buildings or other ponies.

You're not exactly an expert on the subject but even you can tell that Derpy is not very good at flying. When compared to you she's still pretty fast though. Thankfully, after rounding one last corner, the Ponyville Post Office finally comes into view.

Apparently Derpy has a job there, working as Ponyville's local mailmare.

Seems like even Derpy managed to get a job before you did.

Derpy and you slow down as you reach the doors of the post office, and after stopping for a second to catch your breath you push them open.

The inside of the post office looks pretty much like you'd expect, at least if you were back on earth. While most of Ponyville's buildings are just as colorful and cozy on the inside as they are on the outside, the foyer of the post office is a clear exception to this rule. It's painted in only a handful of cold, pale colors and you think it might even be the least colorful place you've seen ever since you came to Equestria.

There is nothing in here to decorate the room. Everything you see, from the neatly lined up cushions to the adjacent water cooler, seems to have a clear, direct purpose.

It's not that the foyer lacks character, it's just that it doesn't feel very comfortable. To you it feels like an assembly line, like someone put a lot of effort into optimizing it's layout so that there is an optimal stream of ponies towards the counter, arguably the main feature of the room.

Behind it there seems to be sitting a lonely pegasus mare, attentively reading a piece of paper on her desk. She has a light gray mane and a pale blue coat, blending in perfectly with the cold colors around her.

A few seconds after the two of you enter the room she looks up from her document, though the moment the mare lays eyes on Derpy she shoots her a cold, reprimanding glare.

"You're late", she states in a rough, grating voice that you'd associate with a woman in her forties.

"I'm sorry, Skydancer, I didn't mean to", Derpy replies with her head low and her ears hanging, clearly intimidated.

The mare, Skydancer as you now know, just let's out a tired sigh.

"More importantly",she says as she refocuses her glare on Derpy, "why didn't you show up to work on Monday? Do you think the letters will deliver themselves?"

"I-I'm sorry", Derpy stammers out, "Mr. Hoofington said that I need to ask him when I want to leave the house and he wasn't there so I couldn't leave the house because I couldn't ask him."

"What kind of nonsense is this?", Skydancer asks as she rests her head on one of her hooves, clearly annoyed.

"I...I...", is all Derpy gets out before you step in, walking in front of Derpy.

"It's a long story", you explain, "But the gist of it is that Hoofington suddenly left for Canterlot in the middle of the night."

Skydancer makes a face like you just told her a bad joke.

"Why would he...? You know what, it doesn't even matter. What does matter", Skydancer says as she retrieves a bag filled to the brim with letters, "Is that the mail gets delivered."

She holds the bag out to Derpy but just as she's about to take it she pulls it back again.

"Don't lose it again!", she says with great emphasis.

"Okay, Skydancer, I won't lose it again", Derpy replies dutifully, but all she gets in response is an exasperated sigh.

It's probably not the first time the two of them have had this exchange.

"Don't worry", you say, trying to diffuse the situation, "I'll be with Derpy the entire time and make sure nothing goes wrong."

"So, what", Skydancer asks, "Are you Hoofington's replacement then?"

"Yes", you reply, "I haven't signed the paperwork yet but it looks like I'll be Derpy's caretaker for now."

"Well, good for you I guess", Skydancer says, "It's been months since you started looking for a job, right?"

This is your first time speaking to this pony and she still knows about your situation simply because you're the resident alien. Sometimes you hate how much you stand out.

"Honestly I would have hired you to deliver the mail", Skydancer continues, "but unfortunately I can't just fire Derpy. If I got to choose who to work with I'd take the weird monkey over the useless retard any day of the week."

Geez, she doesn't have to say it like that, Derpy is standing right next to you. You take a quick look at her and see that she still has the same dejected, apologetic look on her face that she did earlier.

"Look", you whisper to Skydancer as you lean closer, "Please don't be too hard on her. It looks like Hoofington has been beating her."

"Why are you telling me this?", Skydancer asks at normal volume, unphased by the revelation.

If anything, she sounds pissed off.

"What do you mean, why am I telling you this?", you ask as you furrow your brows.

"I mean why are you telling me this as in why are you telling me this inane sob story when it's none of my business."

"None of your business?!", you reply louder and angrier than you originally intended, "You're working with her! Are you seriously going to tell me that you didn't notice the bruises on her?"

"So this is my fault now!?", Skydancer asks, also getting louder, "Derpy has bruises all over because she's a bucking featherbrain that doesn't know how to not fly into buildings."

"Oh fuck off, you-", you begin, but you're interrupted by a tap to the side of your leg.

Derpy is looking up at you with teary, pleading eyes.

"Please stop fighting."

"Anyways", Skydancer says, audibly suppressing her anger, "I'm simply doing my job here, namely taking care of this post office and making sure that the residents of Ponyville get their mail. If Derpy does her part without messing up then there is no problem and we can all be friends. So how about we stop wasting time and get to work?"

You take a deep breath.

"Fine."

Chapter 8

"And the pony in this house is called Star Gazer and his cutie mark is a big glass machine on three legs", Derpy explains as you get to a tall house with an unusually flat roof, "And he said that the machine is called a telescope and it means that his special talent is looking at stars. And then I said that that's a really good special talent because the stars are pretty and looking at them is fun and that made him laugh and he said that he also does things that are more complicated than just looking."

Derpy's story makes you wonder what Astronomy would be like in a world where the movement of the stars is governed by two magical horse princesses but you doubt that she would be able to give you a good explanation.

Anyways, apparently now finished with her story Derpy opens up her bag and starts looking through it, stopping at the letter S for Stirrup Street. She retrieves the relevant letters, and after making sure that the address on them indeed matches up with the house in front of her, she puts them into the mailbox. With a small smile on her face Derpy closes her bag again, happily trotting towards the next house.

Though there is still a lot of mail left for Derpy to deliver, she has already made quite a bit of progress. Skydancer said that the letters have been piling up recently because Derpy didn't show up for work which is why her workload is extra heavy today, but honestly it's not so bad.

While you wouldn't exactly describe it as mentally challenging, walking around Ponyville with Derpy has been pretty nice so far. For almost every pony in town Derpy can tell you their name and some sort of anecdote, and to be honest you're kind of impressed by that because you didn't expect her to have such a good memory when it comes to ponies. Even brief, seemingly insignificant conversations she seems to be remembering quite well, though you get the impression that Derpy is a little biased in her retelling.

For instance you sometimes feel like she's talking about other ponies as if she was good friends with them even when it sounds to you like she hardly knows them. Also you think she's overemphasizing the parts where she feels like she did something wrong, often explaining in great detail the circumstances that led to her mistake and stressing how she didn't mean to do any harm.

Despite that, the overall impression you get from her retellings is quite positive. It's clear that she enjoys her work, even when according to Skydancer she's not doing a very good job.

You're not sure if she's aware of it, but every time Derpy gets to put a letter into a mailbox she has this overly happy smile on her face, like it's the greatest thing in the world. The only thing even greater to her seems to be when one of the ponies comes out of their house and Derpy gets to give them their mail personally. When the ponies thank her for the delivery, even if it's just a small matter out of obligation, it seems to be the absolute highlight of Derpy's day.

Seeing how diligently she does her job, it made you wonder why she of all ponies would be so careless as to lose to the mail. You have asked her about it and she said that she sometimes loses a few letters or packages when she falls down. Apparently the mail spills from her saddlebags and when she then picks it up again some of it is missing.

However, so far nothing even close to that has been happening during her delivery. Derpy has been very careful when handling the mail, making sure that she closes her saddlebags properly every time she has to open them.

Unless there's something wrong with the saddlebags themselves you don't see why the mail would be spilling out of them even if Derpy were to fall down, which also hasn't been happening so far. You could kind of see it happening earlier when she was in a hurry to get to work, but right now she doesn't seem like she's at a greater risk of getting into an accident than any other pony. Sure, she's a little clumsy, but she more than makes up for it by being extra careful with anything she does.

You suppose if nothing goes wrong and Derpy doesn't lose any more mail that's good too, but you'd really like to get to the bottom of this. When Derpy gets to the next house and opens her saddlebag though, she suddenly stops what she's doing and looks at you with a big smile.

"Look, Anon", she says with an excited flutter of her wings, "my friends are coming."

Her friends?

You turn around and spot a group of colts, galloping towards the two of you at full speed.

Ah, so she wasn't actually looking at you; It's a little hard to tell with her eyes.

You didn't know that Derpy is friends with a group of colts, but then again you've only met her yesterday.

The colts soon reach Derpy and you, gathering around the former in a tight group.

They're being obnoxiously loud, though that can probably be expected. Annoying children are still annoying children even if they're magical horses. Though you're not overly fond of this kind of company, Derpy seems to be seeing things more positively.

In fact, she seems to be quite happy to be standing right at the center of the group, her wings unfolded from her excitement. Occasionally one of the colts bumps into one of her wings, though Derpy doesn't seem to mind. Rather, she seems to be enjoying the contact, deliberately moving her wings so that they brush against the colts as much as possible.

You're sure that if not for her disability, Derpy would make a great mother.

However, as he's circling Derpy, one of the colts suddenly takes a sharp turn, slamming into Derpy's side at full force. The sudden, unexpected hit throws her off balance and after a brief second where she futilely flaps her wings in an attempt to stay upright, Derpy falls to the ground. With her mail bag still open from before there is nothing to stop it from spilling its contents all over the streets of Ponyville, forming a small pile next to Derpy's fallen form.

Immediately there is a shift in the colts' movement; Previously their attention seemed to have been on Derpy, but not a second after she fell down they are already descending upon the small pile of mail next to her, picking up single letters and packages with their mouths.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?", you yell at the top of your lungs as your veins are flooded with red hot anger.

The colts freeze at your yelling, and when they see your hulking form running towards them, they quickly drop whatever they're holding and flee. One of the colts, however, doesn't drop the package he has stolen, instead trying to get away with it.

"Give that back, you little shit!", you yell as you run after him, quickly catching up to him thanks to your much longer legs.

Apparently realizing his predicament, the colt quickly flicks his head, throwing the package at your head. Instinctively you stop and try to catch it with your hands, almost tripping from the sudden change in movement and giving the colt a head start. When you finally manage to overcome the surprise attack the colt has already run out of sight and into a nearby alleyway.

There's no way you're gonna catch him now.

You forcibly take a deep breath in an attempt to calm yourself down.

Even if you did catch that colt, there is no point to it now. He abandoned the package and beating up children is probably not a good idea even if they're little assholes. Also, more importantly, you turn towards Derpy who is still lying on the ground.

She's groaning in pain, apparently still disoriented from the fall. You help her get up and find that apart from a bruise on her leg, Derpy luckily seems to be fine. When she sees the mail still lying on the ground next to her, her eyes go wide with panic and she scrambles to put it back into her bag.

You hand her the package that that colt tried to steal earlier, and as soon as Derpy has collected all of the mail she starts counting it, lowly murmuring the numbers as she goes along. As you watch her sit there, nervously checking whether all of the mail is still there you get a very bad suspicion as to how Derpy normally tends to 'lose' her mail.

Once she is done counting Derpy closes her bag with a relieved sigh.

"I didn't lose any mail this time."

This time.

Derpy seems to notice your rather somber mood and looks at you in confusion.

"What's wrong?", she asks.

"Derpy", you say slowly and carefully, "I don't think you've been losing the mail. I think someone has been stealing it."

"S-stealing it?", Derpy asks, audibly shocked by the suggestion, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure", you say, suppressing a sigh at her cluelessness, "I saw it happen, or rather, almost happen."

In retrospect, maybe you shouldn't have immediately told her about it. Derpy seems to think those colts are her friends so you don't think telling her the truth will go over very well.

"Who...?", Derpy asks without finishing the sentence, but you fully understand what it is that she wants to know.

There is no turning back now.

"Those colts that you've called your friends, they're the ones who did it."

After taking a second to understand what exactly it is that you're saying, Derpy gives you a doubtful look.

"They wouldn't do that", she says with furrowed brows, "Stealing is really mean and they're my friends."

"They're not your friends", you reply, "They're the ones that made you fall down because they wanted to steal your mail."

"But they didn't do it on purpose! They're always apologizing to me and they say that they didn't mean to do it and that they're just stupid retards and that they just can't help it. And then they always help me look for the mail and they always have really good ideas where it could be. And one of them said he's really glad that I'm friends with him because he's a retard and retards never have any friends."

Derpy's tone of voice is becoming increasingly aggressive.

How can she be so fucking dense? She's literally been pushed around by those colts without even realizing it and now she thinks you're the bad guy.

"Those colts are not your friends", you repeat, trying not to let your frustration slip into your voice, "Have you ever lost your mail when you didn't run into them?"

You're taking guesses here but you don't think you're wrong.

"No, but-"

"And when they told you where to look for the mail, did you ever find anything?"

"No, but I-"

"So who else could it possibly be?"

"I don't know", Derpy stammers as she holds her head with her hooves as if to hold all these thoughts in.

The sight reminds you that she's not your opponent, but the victim of this whole thing. You kneel down to her level and look into her eyes with all the sincerity you can muster.

"Listen", you say as you put a hand onto her shoulder, "I want to help you. There are bad ponies that hurt you and steal your mail and you don't even know about it and that makes me feel sad. And I need to tell you about it because I don't want you to get hurt anymore."

"But-", Derpy stutters desperately, "But they said that we're friends."

You suppress a sigh.

"I know, but when they said that they've been lying to you. They just told you they're your friends so you wouldn't find out about how they've actually been stealing your mail all along. Think about it, would a really mean pony that steals your mail not also be mean enough to lie to you?"

Derpy stares off into the distance for a short while and you get the feeling that she really does think about what you've just told her. Eventually she looks back at you with tears in her eyes.

"Are you sure?"

You've never heard someone sounding more uncertain in your entire life.

"Yes, I'm sure."

At you confirmation Derpy squeezes her eyes shut tightly, causing the tears to finally flow freely.

"Why?", she asks, "I never did anything mean to them."

"I know", you gently whisper to her as you pull her into a hug.