The Sonic Pick Up Chicks Squad
“I’m glad my best two buds could make it today, I know you’re wondering why I brought you here.” A smirk crept across the hedgehog’s face as he began to flick on lights in the abandoned factory. Then he stopped to place some papers on a dusty work table where his friends were seated.
“What’s the situation Sonic? Eggman finally show his face again?” The dreadlocked echidna waved his fist as he spoke, something about their local didn’t sit right with him.
“Worse.” Sonic pulled a rusted switch and a machine attached to a large cylinder began to glow and buzz. “I’ve spent the last few weeks since Egghead and that Purple blob went missing searching for this device. Hedgehogs and Gentlemen let me introduce you to the Cross Tosser.”
“What now?” Knuckles seemed lost.
“That’s the device Eggman used to send us to different dimensions! I can’t believe it still exists.” The orange kitsune filled in.
“And you remember why it exists?”
“Mostly for crossovers and Eggman said something about being inspired by uncreative fan-fiction writers, whatever that means.” The fox rubbed his whiskers eyeing up the device. “So Sonic what do you want to do with it?”
“It’s come to my attention that there is a serious lack of quality chicks in our friend group, heck maybe on this whole planet.” Knuckles cringed as Sonic said that. “We’re going to use it to pick up girls from another world. And I’ve already got the perfect place to start.” He activated a monitor.
“The Land of Equestria…” Tails read aloud. “How’d you find about this place?”
“Internet. Apparently, some of our fans think it’s a cool place to chill, and they sent me a list of six eligible bachelorettes who are possibly as awesome as we are.”
“Look Sonic as much as I enjoy adventuring with you, I haven’t got the time hopping across worlds to get girls. I’ve got an emerald to guard.” Knuckles replied grouchily.
“And isn’t it lonely guarding that thing, you need a date just as much as I do.” Sonic pointed a gloved finger at his pal. “And really when was the last time anyone tried to steal that thing?”
“Whatever, Tails what’s you’re take on this?”
Tails looked at them his eyes wide, remembering a string of failed and traumatizing relationships. Failed as in ‘She was actually a robot’ to ‘Sonic rack jacked me then she turned evil’ and traumatizing as in ‘had to shoot her with a giant space gun’. “Never again.” he closed his eyes trying not to think about it.
“All right, before you guys say no just look at the girls.” He shoved a pile of papers towards them. “And I can guarantee that none of them are androids, descendants of ancient alien races, jewel thieves, obsessive stalkers, or even human princesses.”
“She’s pretty…” Tails stared at a picture of an anthropomorphic equine with a yellow coat, a lustrous pink mane, almost angelic feathered wings, and a round and perky chest. The page read ‘Fluttershy’.
“Wait a second Sonic, all these girls… Their horses. How’s that going to work out?”
“This kind of stuff happens all the time to us, don’t think too deep into it, Knucklehead.” Sonic chuckled. “And anyway their not horses their ponies, earth ponies, pegasus ponies, and unicorns.”
Knuckles was comparing a white unicorn to a blond southern belle. “This looks kind of like fan art, are you sure it’s an accurate representation of their… physique?”
“I’ve been told Applejack is just as strong as she looks.”
“Good… I’ll take her then. This unicorn, I have a strange feeling she’ll expect me to be her Mr. Mole.”
“I’m glad we’re all in agreement then. Knuckles, I’m going to need you to find us two more Chaos Emeralds; Tails you might want to inspect the machine to make sure it is really in working order. I need to make some calls, I gave you guys first pick but it would be cruel to leave the other girls without dates.” Not even realizing just how wrong his plan actually was.
One Phone Call Later…
“What kind of fool do you take me for Sonic?!” Shadow had arrived at Sonic’s ‘Lets get a Date from another Dimension HQ’ fifteen minuets ago and he had already pulled a handgun seemingly from nowhere on Sonic. He was currently pointing at his ‘friend’s’ head shouting at him, “I am the Ultimate Life-form, I deserve the Ultimate Girlfriend!”
“And what does it take to make a Girlfriend Ultimate or not?” Sonic was unfazed by the sudden outburst.
“I want the coolest one. Rainbow.”
“I already called her.” Sonic smirked.
“Fine then I want the strongest one.”
“Knuckles called AJ already.”
“Then I want the sexiest one. Or whoever the fan favorite is.” Shadow never backs down.
“Rarity?” Sonic rubs his chin at that idea. “Perfect you can have her.”
“Excellent…” Shadow finally lowers his weapon, but Tails walks up grabs it out his hand. “Hea!”
“Shadow this isn’t even a real gun.” Tails points it at Sonic and pulls the trigger hard. A stream of water spray’s against the blue hedgehog’s head. “A squirt gun?”
The hog’ of darkness (and general coolness) sighed. “Sega won’t let me have live weapons anymore.” He grabbed the water pistol back and punched the fox in the shoulder. “It belonged to Maria… I still remember how she used to have massive water battles with the security guards on the ARK, and when we filled it with holy water and went Vampire hunting.”
“What?” How an anemic prepubescent girl with an incurable degenerative disease managed to have water gun fights with government trained special agents let alone hunt vampires confused everyone except Shadow. He was still reminiscing.
Suddenly a shiny platinum coated Hedgehog appeared and broke the silence. “Hi guys I’m not late am I?” This was Silver the Hedgehog and he had traveled a long way through time to join his friends from the past on their somewhat silly quest. “I got your letter. Smart Idea telling the post office to hold it for all that time. Where did you come up with that.”
“Actually Silver you just gave me that idea.” Sonic yanked the letter from his psychic friend and ran off to the post office.
“Did I just cause a paradox…?” The ESPer hog’ looked around the HQ nervously. “So who is this girl you want me to ask out?”
Tails handed Silver a picture of a petite lavender unicorn in a purple sweater. She had a highlighted mane and B cup chest. “Her name is Twilight Sparkle, she’s kind of got that sexy librarian look going on. She‘s a lot like your friend Blaze the Cat, They both do magic, their both purple, and they both have the ability to turn into an ‘on fire‘ version of themselves. Kind of cool right?”
“She’s perfect… But I’m kind of worried. Are you sure we should be doing things this way. I mean I wouldn’t be happy is someone who I never met was trying to decide who I should date. I feel that there might be some kind similar problem that we deal with… What was it called… Shipping maybe?”
“Silver, this is nothing like that. They don’t have to say yes after all.”
“But If they don’t I’ve got an ace up my sleeve.” Sonic said under his breath; he overheard the conversation as he returned from the post office. “Not that I wear sleeves…”
The next day the five friends piled into the transport tube. One more was with them: Big the Cat, a large possibly obese purple feline who carried a frog on his shoulder and a fishing rod on his back. The Six bachelorette ponies had one member that Sonic and his friends couldn’t find a date for: Pinkimenia Diane Pie aka Pinkie. She was far to silly for anyone they thought to ask, and they asked everyone from the killer robot Omega to their former co-star Chris Thorndike. Big had agreed to come under the obligation that he keep Pinkie Pie distracted from the others, in return he would finally be able to fish for the legendary Sea Ponies he heard so much about at a convention many years ago.
With a flash of light and a dramatic whirling sound the ‘Sonic Pick-up Chicks Squad’ vanished from their HQ. They fell through a seeming random set of stock footage spirals and screen transitions before they landed on solid earth (or at least solid Equestrian soil).
The ever vigilant Shadow was first to his feet. He examined his surroundings and noticed something very odd. This place didn’t contain any sexy anthropomorphic equines, but a rainbow of little ponies of various shapes. None of those shapes walked on their hind legs, none of those shapes seemed like the pictures he had been bribed with to come here, and most importantly none of those shapes included breasts.
“Sonic you imbecile, I will end your pitiful existence!”
To Be Continued…
The Sonic Pick Up Chicks Squad
Part 1 Sky Chase Zone
After Shadow had made quite a scene strangling his ‘pal’ in the middle of a market, Silver and Knuckles were forced to separate them. A polychromatic crowd of ponies had formed and were staring at the newcomers.
“I guessed those pictures were phony. It seems like we’ve been duped, right Sonic?” The echidna crossed his arms and gave Sonic an probing glare.
“Oh yea, they sure got us… Well we might as well might make the best of this right?” A half smile appeared to cover up the lie. “I think I’m going to give the girls a chance anyway, later!” And he escaped before anyone else could try to blame him for this ‘accident‘.
“What ever, I don’t have time for you whelps if I’m going to find my Ultimate Girlfriend even without…” He was cut off by a mysterious talking ball of cotton candy.
“Hi there! I’m Pinkie Pie, welcome to Ponyville.” Or maybe it wasn’t a talking confection, but a pink pony attached to a cotton candy like hairdo, Shadow couldn’t tell. “And since you’re not ponies and you don’t look anything like the local magical critters, you must be,” the pink ecstatic fluff paused for dramatic effect and waved her front hooves in the air, “From beyond the Unknown. Wooooooo…”
Shadow was almost embarrassed that he let this charade go on as long as it did. He grasp hold of his personal Chaos Emerald and with a shout of “Chaos Control” he vanished in a flash of light.
“Ohmygosh! Did he just teleport? That is so cool! I want to try it!” She removed one perfect cupcake from her saddle bag, grasped it firmly in hoof, and let out a shout: “Cupcake Control!” And she was gone.
The three remaining members of ‘Pick up Chicks Squad’ stared in awe at what just happened. Big had apparently already wandered off during the strangling scene. The crowd began to disperse after Pinkie disappeared.
Knuckles posed the question on everyone’s mind, “What just happened?”
“I have no Idea.” Tails took control of the situation. “Like Sonic said we might as well enjoy our time here. Were going to be stuck until the machine recharges in a week so lets give it a shot. Silver you should be looking for a Library Tree, Knuckles you should head for those orchards, and I’m off to the edge of the Everfree Forest.” He handed them each a map of the town. “Weird there isn’t a single Something Something Zone on this map.”
Edge of the Everfree-
Tails had flown to his destination, the cottage of the Pegasus pony Fluttershy. He gave the door three small knocks then examined his surroundings. ‘She has quite a lot of animals,’ he thought, ‘Oh no, what if I ask her out and then she get eaten by a tiger! That would be just my luck…’ But his fears dissipated as a miniscule white rabbit opened the door and glared at him.
“Hi there little guy, is Fluttershy home?” The rabbit looked at him smugly and slammed the door in his face. Tails fell on his rear but his titular tails supported him to get back up.
“I’m sorry but I’m so very busy right now. Can you ask him to come back later?” Tails could faintly overhear a refined and demure voice through a crack in the door. “He’s a what? A kitsune? A kitsune!” The voice seemed ever so excited. Then the door swung open. “Oh my you are so adorable, and look at those little shoes you’ve got.” The yellow and pink pegasus gently petted the hair poof on the front of Tail’s head with her wing. “I’m Fluttershy, need a place to stay you cutsie wootsie fox?”
“I’m Miles Prower, but my friends call me Tails.” Things were looking good for Tails, he had already received a shower of complements without even having to say a word to her.
“You can talk? I didn’t know kitsunes could talk. That’s just so incredibly wonderful, I don’t even know what to say!” Fluttershy leapt up into the air and gave her wings a little flap before gliding down next to Miles.
“And I can fly to!” His two titular tails spun round and round until he was hovering above the pegasus.
“Wow a flying, talking kitsune! And what do like to talk about Miles?”
Tails usually didn’t like to be called his first name, but from her it was perfect. “Well my friends and I came a long way, because we kind have a crush on you and your friends. So Fluttershy, would you like to go on a date with me?”
“No…” Fluttershy’s mood turned solemn. “I’m so sorry if that sounded mean but I have my own secret crush that I’m waiting for.”
Tails was taken aback by immediately being shot down. “Oh… Well would you like to at least go out as new friends.” He smiled awkwardly.
“Well that could be difficult because… you… have a crush… and I… like” Fluttershy trailed off.
“What was that?”
“on me and I like…”
“Can you repeat the last part?”
“I like…”
“One more time?”
“…”
He lost her. “I couldn’t…”
“I Like Girls!”
Tails blinked at her sudden admission. “What?”
“I’m a filly-fooler.” Fluttershy shuffled her hooves nervously. “Just please don’t say anything, especially not to Applejack, I don’t know if she’d accept my affection.”
‘Note to self: warn Knuckles,‘ he thought with a sigh. “I’m sorry to bother you then Miss Fluttershy.” Spinning his tails he flew away, more than disappointed.
“Wait Miles, I’d still like to meet your friends. Miles? Miles?”
Thirty minuets passed by and Tails was sitting on the edge of a soft cloud. ‘I shouldn’t have let Sonic convince me that this was a good idea.’ The cloud passed over a swift moving stream. Tails lets out another sigh, but then hears a strange whipping sound that is not the water below.
“Why do ya’ look so sad mister fox?” Tails looked for the source of the voice to find a yellow filly swinging a shiny metal hoop around her red tail. She landed on the cloud and sat next to him.
“Well, I had a crush on a filly but she shot me down.” He sighed again only to see the filly bouncing around looking a little too excited.
“Don’t you worry yourself none, mister fox, the girls and I will get you a date with her in no time.” With that she raised a hoof to the sky and proclaimed, “And then we’ll be Cutie Mark Crusader Date Getters!”
“I’m not sure that would help. Turn’s out she wasn’t interested in guys at all.” This ‘Cutie Mark Crusader’ organization seemed strangely similar to the ever competent Team Chaotix. “Maybe I should just give up dating all together, all of my relationships just end in sadness.”
“Don’t give up hope mister, ah’ know a thing or two about bad relationships.” The filly nodded. “One time I met this cute boy who said he was from out a’ town, turned out it was just ma’ friend Spike wearing a mustache. That goof Snips tried the same thing on me, but I hoofed him right in the face.” She offered a hoof. “Ah’m Applebloom, how are you sitting up here on this cloud anyway? Ah thought only flying critters could sit on clouds.”
“I’m Miles.” Tails wanted to know how it sounded when she said. “I should ask you the same since you aren’t a pegasus pony. I however can…” The cloud lurched and heaved jolting its passengers. “What was that?”
“Logic!” The puffy mist dissipated around Applebloom’s hooves and she and fell through the cloud with her Loop-de-hoop.
“Applebloom!” Quick-wittedly, Tails dived through the plush layers of nimbus, twirled his tails in a frenzy, and grabbed his new friend arround her chest.
“Mah’ Loop-de-hoop!” The metal ring splashed into the swift stream. “My sister gave that to me.”
This Loop-de-hoop, was more than just a toy to the filly. It was from someone she loved and it was the gift of flight. Tails thought back to his past, of course about as long as he could remember, but in his time with Sonic he received a very special gift: his first plane the Tornado. Sonic gifted it to his little Bro’ after seeing his potential as a pilot and how much he loved to tinker with the little biplane. Sadly after a shootout with the Egg Carrier Tail’s had lost his friend’s gift. Sonic never seemed disappointed in him for the loss, and Tails had built them both a number of impressive aircraft since then, but Tails couldn’t shake the feeling that this was the reason he never did get to see Sonic as much as the old days.
“I’m Going after it!” He put down the filly on the edge of the stream and leapt in after the ring.
“Wait Miles! The water’s moving to fast, and there aren’t any sea ponies around here to save you if you can’t swim!” But it was already to late.
Applebloom paced nervously. Then an audible “Duka-Duka! Duka-Duka!” sound came from the water.
With a ‘splash’ Tails leapt from the water. And shook the water off of his coat.
“Miles you’re ok!” The excitable filly tackled him and wrapped her front hooves around him. “And you got my Loop-de-hoop.”
“No problem I’m a good swimmer.” Applebloom licked his nose and he blushed somewhat visibly through the wet fur.
She picked up her Loop-de-hoop and spun it around for good measure. “Wow your so good at Swimm’en and Flying you should have a Swimm’en and Flying Cutie Mark.”
“I’m pretty sure people who come from where I’m from don’t get Cutie Marks.”
“Well that just won’t do! Maybe while you’re here we can get you one. You can join the Cutie Mark Crusade, and cause’ you’re a boy I’ll give you a special nickname: Cutie Mark Crusader Special Officer ‘Tails‘, cause’ of your tails…”
‘Some harmless sensible fun with girls my age,’ Tails thought half paying attention to Applebloom’s rambling, ‘I could get used to this.”
“…and then we can find your special talent! So what do you say?”
Miles ‘Tails’ Prower, who already had a PhD in aeronautic engineering and Software Design despite his young age, and was a skilled pilot, tinkerer, adventurer, and hover-board enthusiast, said,
“Yes! I‘d love to!”
almost instinctively. Little did he know just how ‘harmless’ and ‘sensible’ his adventures with the Cutie Mark Crusaders would be.
“Awesome, you can bunk with me and my sister while you’re staying here.” The filly nudged Tails towards Sweet Apple Acres.
‘Maybe I’ll run into Knuckles…’ He thought before being whisked off into the Crusade.
