The Forgetting.
I don't remember much.
It's all hidden from me, it helps me function as a productive member of society.
Celestia told us first, you must forgive your past. I am no longer able. I wonder what she would think
of me if she knew my heart and mind was so closed. She doesn't ask because I function as expected.
I answer all her questions with the expected answers, but they are a robotic response I long became used
too.
She asks all of the same as the therapists did, a little deeper maybe, but the same answers suffice.
My cutie mark is a question mark, I guess it's because I wonder what happened yesterday.
Cider makes it all better. I forget, and if I drink enough the memory comes back just long enough for me
to regret them and keep them quite till the next binge.
Lmao, it is so funny, I'm not sure how I procured it, but I always Have barrels full of cider delivered to my
small dark cottage every season. Usually it's enough...sometimes I have to line up like other ponies.
I think it was the time when me and applejack went to drink after I helped in the fields.
Truth be told I was drunk. She knew it, but she allowed me to help as best I could.
I don't remember the day, but I do remember she berated me with questions. we bucked trees together...
willing to bet I was useless.
I hold a shop of calligraphy, I write notes, letters and record texts daily, there's not a lot of work in
Ponyville for that so I sought an other avenue of revenue. The apples were more then happy to have
an other farm hand. Can't say I was great, though after she requested I be more....."suitable" for
work the next day I was happy to oblige and quite drinking a little earlier then usual.
I do remember that day though. Applejack cheered me on every time I bucked like an earth pony.
I'm a unicorn.
I had a lot of fun working with her, but sooner or later all questions turned to the past.
I couldn't answer one, even as she was kind enough to educate me on the history of the apple farm
and to teach me of her own family.
Must be nice....to have family, to remember them....
I have no luxury nor do I wish it. I would only cause them pain.
It was her that asked me out for cider during peak season after work, My surprise must have been well visible upon my
face for she said "only a few mind you, not sure if I could keep up to ya. Ya do drink a might much."
I for my own secret desires became overjoyed. I was quite infatuated with this mare. She was strong, Idealistic,
but down to earth. Never did see what she see's in me.
After a few...my few, to her I guess it was many,
I don't remember much besides her beautiful mane, kind understanding eyes,
and....pity. The conversation escapes me, but I do remember in a haze answering questions I could not sober.
My coffers have been full ever since.
I don't go a day without cider even as other ponies await the next season.
She still calls upon me for harvest. It's the happy price I pay. To spend my days with such
a perfect mare and to earn the nectar necessary for my forgetful nights.
She once asked me if Princess luna ever visited me.
I was pretty sure she had, but now avoided me.
Sad that, she was quite pleasant if what little memory serves me right.
When I've drank my fill and more in an night I kinda remember.
I think she came to me, but I was full of my elixir, and had passed out.
Not sure why my dreamless nights would call to her, she would inevitably come
to a maze of darkness.
Dreams are her domain, but upon reflection and a few glasses....I think i found
her and was frightened. So I ran like I flee memory's.
I had had enough of memories behind sleepy eyes. I did not wish the princess of the nights guidance.
I don't think she came back, or maybe I blocked her out, she doesn't seem the kind to quit
trying to help.
The last day I think she came. She had spoken to me and all i could manage was incoherence
and belligerence, hating her intrusion, desiring to be left to my own dark maze.
I remember awakening upon Apple Acers. AJ didn't seem mad, instead there was a look of sorrow in her eyes.
"You ok sugar cube?"
I smiled waking up to her pretty face was the best thing I could imagine, much better then
the cold hard stone of my shop.
"well yer here and so am I, I guess.....so I'm on the right side of the soil ain't I?" I asked.
she seemed stunned and didn't answer at first.
"You ok to work?"
"Yeah I'm looking forward to it." I responded.
And I really did.
If it was with her I couldn't imagine a better day, even as my skull cracked with the light
I awakened too.
It was the first delivery. there was only a note that read: To Quillion, I don't hold it against you."
I was flabbergasted. I had only asked a minimal of bits, just enough to pay rent and maybe a lil food.
This.....this was free. I know what some would say, if Twilight saw this...she'd say they were
"enabling". The apples knew that I was able and willing to spend elsewhere to buy my supply.
Instead they...no AJ had decided to make life that much a lil easier for me.
See cider is a much wanted commodity for ponies. Most would lie if they said that they did not
line up for hours on end for such a treat. Most do not use it as I do.
It is a mechanism for ones like me to forget for a moment.
I had told her my life. and how much I wanted to forget.
I was drunk of course so the general discussion is forgotten to me.
but the apples knew I was not a bad pony, just I was running from pain.
I needed this aid. and in return I would come back to them.
I spent more days on the farm then the shop,
and when I was away from the shop I was away from my need to forget, because I wanted
to remember my time with them.
Every day I spent with AJ, Big Mac, and Granny was a day I let my addiction alone, at least
until nighttime.
AJ told me once how she wished she had more work for me, I grimaced....but I knew what she ment.
"Functioning" is what they call ponies like me.
As long as we have something to do, as long as our hooves are busy, we can leave our cycle.
But there is a time for everything.
Her desire for more work for me meant she knew.....I was to far gone to talk reason to, but to be kept busy...
that'd help a bit. If I had more then a day to be sober....I might find regret. I only wanted to impress her,
but the impression I left was how lost I was.
When I got back to my shop each night.....my god how I indulged.
but unlike usual I was truly happy, this was something given to me in a desire to both
understand, and to show their love for me.
As I said, some would call it enabling, but is it not better to know that the ones that
you care for are safe and happy? Or would you rather we scavenge such moments at such
a great cost that we hurt others or ourselves....
Upon reflection I do think it hurt her....but....she was the element of honesty,
and life is brutal at best, honesty needs understanding and the apples gave me that in
spades.
If they gave me no function, and no reward, how would I be, ending up seeking it upon my own?
I am helpless, as are you reading these words I record.
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am lost,
I cannot find your wonderfull sun,
Nor Can your sister save me in my darkness.
But I have found One that has taught me I can be usfull.
Even now I forgette.
But I remember my coffers are full,
and I have earned it.
I remember their are ponies that value me as I toss myself away.
-Quillion Redink
