Two Dictionaries and a Chicken: The Story of Neighvana

by Regidar

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Romance, Sex, Tragedy, Slice of Life, Original Character
Length: 3259

Nirvana's history is retold using the CMC.

Being the hopeless Nirvana addict I am, I decided to parody Nirvana's history with the CMC.

Published 2012-07-06 18:04:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-06 07:05:23 UTC

The Story of Neighvana

This is not a tale of peace and love.

This is a tale sadder than Old Yeller, The Notebook, and My Little Dashie combined.

This is the sorry and sordid tale of the Cutie Mark Crusaders Claim to fame and their subsequent demise into destruction.

This is...

TWO DICTIONARIES AND A CHICKEN: THE STORY OF NEIGHVANA

Are we really doing this?

Yes. Now shut up and listen to my story.

***

It all started when on Scootaloo's 20th Birthday.

"CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!"

Are you sure this isn't a blatant ripoff of Party.Mov?

SHUT UP! Anyway, after ingesting ten bottles of Sweet Apple Acres Hard Cider, Scootaloo and her friends were significantly wasted to the point where Scootaloo preposed the idea.

"Hay, we's never gohteen ush our cutie marksh... why don' we make ush a band?"

Applebloom rolled her eyes as Sweetie Belle threw up in a potted plant.

"We's trieded thah' sheventeen timesh already..."

"No, but I'sh mean a real band... not just shmshing inshtermentsh against rocksh..."

Sweetie Belle recovered, and pulled her head out of the potted plant.

"Well, what type of band would we even make?"

Scootaloo took another swig from her cider bottle.

"A grunge band!"

And then she threw up all over Applebloom.

So, after that fateful night, the Cutie Mark Crusaders set out to make a grunge band. Scootaloo used her, um "Talented" voice for the vocals, Sweetie Belle picked up the drums, and Applebloom played bass.

They recorded their first album, "Hoof," and there hit song "About a mare," sold with a whopping 10 hits.

"Why aren't we doing any better? The best selling song was "About a Mare," and that only sold ten copies-"

"Actually, eleven copies."

Scootaloo glared at Applebloom.

"It only sold eleven copies, and on top of that, Rainbow Dash is threatening to sue for slander! This is a disaster!"

"We need to write better songs for our next album..." Sweetie Belle said, chewing on the end of the pencil she had in her mouth.

Then it hit Scootaloo.

"I know! We do a stupid song about ourselves with a catchy beat! Knowing the idiot crowd, they'll flock to it!"

And so, they proceeded to write a song about their troubles of cutie mark crusader.

"We just need to know about what to title it..."

Coming home, they noticed that Diamond Tiara, who was now a hooker, had broken in and written "The CMC smell like blank flanks."

"I know! We'll call it "Smells like our cutie marks!"

And so, they released "Smells Like our Cutie Marks", along with multiple others on their second album, "Neighvermind."

Before we go on, we must not how no story of fame is without a splash of romance. Scootaloo met her future husband, Nirvana-

Wait, now she met somepony named Nirvana, and their band is called Nieghvana, which is based off Nirvana-

Quit your whining and listen to the story!

Moving along. Nirvana and Scootaloo met at sugarcuge corner during one of Pinkie Pie and Vinyl Scratch's famous raves.

"Hey, I'm totally tripping!" Scootaloo used as an icebreaker to the black coated colt.

"Hey! Me too!"

Scootaloo looked at Nirvana.

"So, you wanna have sex?"

"Sure!"

A true love story.

Nirvana and Scootaloo had been going out for 3 months when Sweetie Belle delivered the good news.

"We're famous!"

Nirvana and Scootaloo rushed to the TV. Indeed, their music video for "Smells like Our Cutie Marks" was always playing on MTV (Mare Television) and the song was always playing on the radio.

"Sweet Celestia, this is going to be great!"

It wasn't.

Soon, Scootaloo began to develop strange symptoms and stomach pains. The only logical response, was of course, to do lots and lots of mareoin.

Two months after becoming addicted to mareoin, she found out she was five months pregnant with Nirvana's child.

Still, this did not daunt her. Scootaloo, with the help of Sweetie Belle and Applebloom, got off her addiction long enough to finish her tour of the Griffin Provinces, and to record most of their third studio album, "In Utero."

However, due to the pregnancy, one fateful night, she ended up in the care of somepony she never thought she would.

"I need mareoin! I need it now!" Scootaloo was tearing through the house. Nirvana was out with some of his friends playing poker, unaware of the events that was about to occur.

Almost eleven months pregnant, Scootaloo rushed out into the street and looked around wildly for some mareoin. running down the back allies, she was stopped by a shady looking stallion.

"Scootaloo... of the famous Neighvana... married to the equelly famous Nirvana... what are you doing out at this late of a time?"

"Shut up, Live Wire. I know you have connections. How much mareoin can you give me?"

Live Wire smiled.

"You think I'm just going to give away mareoin for free like that? No, it'll cost you..."

Scootaloo sighed and rolled her eyes.

"I can give you as many bits as you want. Just give me some mareoin!"

Live Wire licked his lips and eyed Scootaloo's plot.

"It's not bits I want..."

Ten minutes later, Scootaloo plunged the needle into her skin, sighing with relief.

Looking over, she saw herself in a puddle in the street. What had she become?

Suddenly, she felt her warm liquid sliding down her legs. Oddly, she felt nothing else, probably due to the mareoin.

"Oh no. Not now. The baby can't come now..."

Falling to her knees, she began to cry, wishing she could feel the pain.

She felt reality slip from her grasp, and she fell into a dark abyss of nothing.

Fluttershy happened to be walking by when she saw Scootaloo passed out, breathing heavily. Fluttershy had delivered enough babies, pony and animal to know what was going on.

"I swear, half of my friends have been in this situation..." Fluttershy said, recalling back to the times when she delivered Twilight sparkle's twins, Pinkie Pie's octuplets and Lyra's filly.

Picking up the unconscious mare, she trotted back to her house where she laid Scootaloo on a steryl blanket, and prepared to deliver the filly.

Scootaloo's eyes opened for a bit.

"Fluttershy? Where... am..."

Fluttershy put her hoof to Scootaloo's mouth.

"Hush now... It's going to be fine..."

Scootaloo's eyes closed again.

Fluttershy smiled. "I remember when you and your friends had a sleepover here. That was a long time ago..."

Scootaloo slipped into a dream. She was ten again, playing with her friends in their old clubhouse. It was nice.

***

The next morning, she awoke to Fluttershy smacking her in the face.

"OW! what was that for?"

"That's for taking enough mareoin for you to have been passed out the whole time you gave birth!"

Scootaloo rubbed her eyes.

"Gave... birth?"

"Yes, and you'll be happy to know your daughter won't have any long lasting effects from the mareoin abuse."

Fluttershy picked up a black coated, purple maned pegasus filly.

Scootaloo stared at it, then hugged her tight.

"I love you..."

Her daughter drooled on her arm.

With a light clopping sound, Nirvana trotted across the wood floor to join them.

"She's beautiful."

"What should we name her?"

"I think... let's name her Sky Strider. Because she'll fly like I never got to."

And so, that is how Sky Strider came into the world. This instance made Scootaloo write and record a new song with Neighvana dedicated to Fluttershy, called "Flutterbox." Fluttershy loved it.

The next big thing to happen was the CMC receiving their cutie marks.

Scootaloo woke up one morning to notice she had a microphone crossed with an electric guitar on both her flanks.

"YES!" Running down the hall, she rushed to her friend's room, where Applebloom and Sweetie Belle were already proudly displaying their cutie marks.

Applebloom's was of a bass, and Sweetie Belle's was of a drum set.

"We've waited our whole lives for this, and now it's finally happened!" Scootaloo squealed, hugging both of them.

"What should we do now?" Applebloom asked.

"What else? We play to everypony in Ponyville, our hometown! They'll be so proud of us!"

And so, Neighvana packed up and went to Ponyville to play their biggest gig ever.

Rarity and Applejack were in sugarcube corner when Twilight Sparkel trotted in with her two fillies, Dawn gleam and Midnight Glimmer.

"Girls! Your sisters and Scootaloo have come to play a gig! They got their cutie marks!"

Rarity and Applejack looked at each other, the ran after Twilight and her kids.

It was reportedly one of the best concerts ever played in the history of Equestria. Even Princess Luna came down after a bit to enjoy the partying.

The only pony not amused by this way Diamond Tiara.

"They think they're so great..."

Live Wire slid up next to her.

"So, um, what are your rates?"

Unfortunately, like all good stories, this one ends tragically. Scootaloo felt the pain of withdrawal more and more as the months droned on, and soon, she gave into the addiction. She was enrolled in the Canterlot Rehab Center for Disgruntled Celebrities only seven months after receiving her cutie mark.

Three weeks into the detoxification, the following events occurred that changed everypony who ever love Neighvana's lives forever.

"So, Scootaloo, you feeling good tonight?" asked one of the nurses.

"Fine, thanks. You know, it would be really stupid of me if I jumped the fence over near the corner of the west yard. It's only six feet tall, but still, I wouldn't get away with it. You know I was joking about that earlier, right?"

"Oh course dear. Get some sleep now, ok?"

"Alright. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, dear."

Once the nurse was gone, Scootaloo leapt out her window, and jumped the fence in the corner of the west yard. Running, she made it to the train station just in time to catch the last train to Ponyville.

Sitting down as the train pulled out, she was joined by another only she knew very well.

"Hi Scootaloo!"

Scootaloo looked over at Rainbow Dash, who was smiling down at her.

"Hey Dashie."

"Hey, I thought you were in rehab. Did they let you out early?"

"Something like that."

"Well, good to see you again. Congratz on all your success!"

"Thanks!"

"Hey, if you ever need flight lessons, then just ask, ok?"

"Sure, I'll keep that in mind. Is tomorrow good?"

"Sure, meet me at Sugarcube corner at ten, ok?"

"Got it!"

Once the train reached Ponyville, Scootaloo raced off to the old house that Nirvana onced lived in. Heading upstairs, she grabbed something that had not been used in a very long time.

"Too late, Dashie."

Scootaloo cocked the very gun Nirvana had used so many years earlier, and put in to her head.

The next morning, it was eleven o'clock, and Scootaloo hadn't showed up.

"Where is she?" Rainbow Dash wondered to herself.

She started look all around town, until one pony pointed her to the old Nirvana home.

Running inside, she raced around. Climbing the steps, she entered the room where Scootaloo lay, unmoving.

And screamed.

Everypony was devastated by this event, especially, her fellow band members, and Nirvana.

"I just remember waking up the day after she died, and feeling sad that I could live another day and she couldn't," said Sweetie Belle, now the leader of the Hoof Fighters.

Nirvana took Sky Strider to Fluttershy's where she stayed while Nirvana underwent psycological treatment. After her suicide, Nirvana has been in and out of therapy, and has been coping with a mareoin addiction.

"I just wish I had gotten to know her, because honestly, I don't want to grow up with just a dad who is a mess all the time. I love Fluttershy, but she's not the same as a mom," reported Sky when asked about her say on this on the 10th anniversary of Scootaloo's Death.

So there you have it. The rise and fall of Neighvana. It's tragic, yes, but must be told, so that others may know of what can happen to even the best of things.

In Loving Memory of Kurt Cobain, 1967-1994, which much of this fanficiton is based off of. It may seem weird that I'm dedicating a fanfic to a dead rock star, but oh well, whatever, nevermind.

In Doom

From their second album, Neighvermind.

Use fillies for the food
Change the attitude
Bake them nice and well
I'm going to hell

I'm the one
Who likes to have all the fun
Sing my silly song
Cut you open all day long
I need you for my needs
I need you for my needs

You can have some more
I'm a bakery whore
Flesh in your cupcakes
That's what makes them great

I'm the one
Who likes to have all the fun
Sing my silly song
Cut you open all day long
I need you for my needs
I need you for my needs

I'm the one
Who likes to have all the fun
Sing my silly song
Cut you open all day long
I need you for my needs
I need you for my needs

I'm the one
Who likes to have all the fun
Sing my silly song
Cut you open all day long
I need you for my needs
I need you for my needs

I'm the one
I guess I've had my fun
Now that I'm all done
Better grab my gun
Time to atone for my deeds
Time to atone for my deeds
(bang)

About a Mare

From their first album, Hoof.

I need to fly to be free
I need a mare to teach me
I do think you fit this horseshoe
But you haven't got a clue

I'll plead and I'll cry
I won't stop to try
But you ignore me all the time
Free

I'm standing in your way
You tell me there will be hell to pay
But I won't give up, no way
I won't give up, not today

I'll plead and I'll cry
I won't stop to try
But you ignore me all the time
Free

I need to fly to be free
I need a mare to teach me
I do think you fit this horseshoe
But you haven't got a clue

I'll plead and I'll cry
I won't stop to try
But you ignore me all the time
But you ignore me all the time

You do
You do
You do
You do
You do

Tribute

Smells like Our Cutie Marks

From Their Second Album, Neighvermind.

Wake on up and grab my friends
We'll try so many things by day's end,
One day we'll find what we're good at,
Until then, we'll keep trying and that is that,
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long
Will it take us
To get our cutie marks?
You can't make us
Give up at all
We'll keep on going
Till we fall!
Two dictionaries
And a chicken
let's get going,
the clock is tickin'!
YEAH!
Some days it seems, it's pointless,
It doesn't seem worth the stress,
But if we don't give it our best,
We'll be like birds without their nest,
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long
Will it take us
To get our cutie marks?
You can't make us
Give up at all
We'll keep on going
Till we fall!
Two dictionaries
And a chicken
let's get going,
the clock is tickin'!
YEAH!

And I forgot just how long,
We've been working on it now,
We find it hard, it's hard to find,
Oh, whatever, Nevermind.
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long how long?
How long how long how long
Will it take us
To get our cutie marks?
You can't make us
Give up at all
We'll keep on going
Till we fall!
Two dictionaries
And a chicken
let's get going,
the clock is tickin'!
We'll keep tryin',
We'll keep tryin',
We'll keep tryin',
We'll keep tryin',
We'll keep tryin'

Molestia

From their second album, Neighvermind.

I'm so happy
Cause today I found my friend
She's in my head
I'm so crazy
That's ok, cause so is she
We raped our guards
Every morning
A new mare or stallion I don't care
And I'm not scared
But I want more
Luna can't stop us, I'm a god

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah

I'm so lonely, but that's ok, she's in my head.
And I'm not sad
But I'm to blame for all I did
But I'm not sure
It's hard to keep her inside here
I'm so horny, but that's ok
My will is good

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah

I like it- I'm not gonna crack
I miss her- I'm not gonna crack
I love her- I'm not gonna crack
I killed her- I'm not gonna crack
I like it- I'm not gonna crack
I miss her- I'm not gonna crack
I love her- I'm not gonna crack
I killed her- I'm not gonna crack

I'm so happy
Cause today I took control
She's in my head
They call me crazy
That's ok, cause she is gone
No one to stop us
Every morning
I'll have who I want, I don't care
And I'm not scared
But I want more
Celestia's gone, long live Molestia

Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah

She liked it- That's why she cracked
She missed me- That's why she cracked
She loved me- That's why she cracked
I killed her- She's not coming back
She liked it- That's why she cracked
She missed me- That's why she cracked
She loved me- That's why she cracked
I killed her- She's not coming back

Flutterbox

From their third album, In Utero.

She keeps me close when I am weak
She has the softest voice when she speaks
I've been drawn into your kindness
You're the only one I trust when I rest

Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt to you eternal kindness
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt you your eternal kindness

Tame fierce creatures like no pony can
The fairest of all ponies in the land
Friend of Dashie longer than I care to recall
I want you there when I happen to fall

Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt to you eternal kindness
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt you your eternal kindness

She keeps me close when I am week
She has the softest voice when she speaks
I've been drawn into your kindness
You're the only one I trust when I rest

Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt to you eternal kindness
Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt you your eternal kindness

Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint!
Forever in debt to you eternal kindness
You're too kind... you're too kind... you're too kind