Zecora's Excellent Adventure

by neorenamon

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Human
Length: 3124

When Apple Bloom has a accident with her potion mixing lessons, it's Zecora who winds up on a wild ride.

During a lesson accident, Zecora saves Apple Bloom, but gets blown into another dimension full of strange creatures she's never seen before. Ones that are all kinds of messed up. Even the one that talks in rhyme.

Rated M for a whole lotta swearing. Crossover with 'Black Dynamite'.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-04 14:01:18 UTC

Petting zoo?! Petting who?!

by neorenamon

'By the gods does my head ache,' thought Zecora as she awakened, 'What sort of medicine did I take?'

The zebra shook her head and gathered her wits. Then she remembered that she was caught in an explosion. One caused when Apple Bloom made a mistake brewing a potion in training. Just as she pushed the filly out the front door, the brew exploded and that was the last thing she could remember before waking up... in a very strange and smelly place.

Opening her eyes, she found herself surrounded by strange creatures about her size, but they managed to stand on two legs quite easily. Well, most of them could. She also noted that all of the creatures were wearing clothing of some sort almost over their entire bodies oddly devoid of hair for the most part.

"What things do my eyes see?" she asked, "What manner of creatures do you be?"

"Oh look!" cried one of them, "It's a talking baby zebra!"

"Fuck yeah!" agreed another, "It's gotta be magic like muthafuckin unicorns!"

"I am no unicorn for lack of horn," she replied, "and have no dick as I was born."

"Dis bitch is talkin' weird shit," spoke up a third.

"Yeah man!" growled a fourth, "They's talkin' smack like Bullhorn!"

Another turned about, put their hands to their mouth and yelled, "HEY BULLHORN!! THERE'S A HOT NAKED BITCH IN HERE!!"

She could hear thundering footsteps until the door burst open, almost falling off it's hinges. The creature that entered seemed a whole lot larger than the others in the room.

"You little shits better not be lyin!" he scowled, "Lest you muthafuckin' little shits be dyin!"

He stopped as he stared down at the zebra.

"So you are the Bull Horn I see?" she asked, "There is no horn of bull seen by me."

"How the fuck did you get in here?" he barked, "One of you brats is busted, you hear?!"

"But Bullhorn, this pony bitch just appeared in a big cloud of smoke!" protested the first creature, "We didn't do dick shit!"

"Can we keep her?!" asked another.

"Black Dynamite gonna have a fit," he mused, "comin' home to zebra shit!"

"Maybe she's house broken?!" asked the first.

"I know not how much more I can take," scowled Zecora, "for should someone's house I would break?"

"That all means ya ain't gonna piss and shit all over," offered yet another creature.

"Living wild and free is my goal," she replied, "but I'm more trained than a newborn foal!"

"For a zebra, you're kinda small," answered Bullhorn, "not like a zebra at all."

"Look at these bitching brass rings!" said a smaller creature as it pointed at Zecora's neck and foreleg, "It's gotta be some dude's tiny pet zebra!"

"Calling me a tiny pet?!" asked the zebra, "That's the worst I've heard yet!"

"Now children listen to Bullhorn!" called the tall one, "There might be danger, I warn."

"The only threat that I do see," she replied, "does not come from one like me."

The children crowded in around her, petting her from all directions.

"But even in this very strange place, please grant me some personal space!"

"I don't seem to stare, but this is a mare?" he asked.

One of the children grabbed Zecora's tail and yanked it up as they said, "See?! No balls!"

"Child unhand my tail! Do not doddle or fail!"

"BULLHORN!" called someone down the hall, "What the hell is this racket?!" Someone stuck their head in the doorway as she added, "I told Black Dynamite we'd keep the orphans safe while he's out kickin' ninja aaa..."

Dy-na-mite! Dy-na-mite!

"She followed us home!" called the children, "Can we keep her?!"

"How da fuck did a miniature zebra get in here?! Someone better spill da beans!"

"No one here has the means," offered Zecora, "to go and spill any beans."

"That muthafuckin' zebra talks?!"

"I speak as well as any other, and why should I fuck my mother?"

"DAAAYUUUM!" she muttered as she covered her eyes with her hand.

"And why do you question my stature? I'm surely in no way miniature!"

"Isn't she awesome, Honey Bee?"

Honey sniffed the air before she announced, "That better not be horse shit I smell!"

"Nah," said one child pointing at another, "Little Chad Coleman pooped in his diapers again."

"C'mon woman and do your work," scowled Bullhorn, "don't stand there with a smirk!"

Honey grabbed up Little Chad as she said, "Why is it always the woman who's gotta change the fuckin' daipers?! It's sexism, I tell ya! Sexism!" She stormed out of the room before anyone could answer.

Zecora scowled as the children showed no sign of giving her any space. Heck, even one kid in a one piece baby suit was lifted up onto the zebra's back. They wrapped their little arms about the zebra's neck beneath the brass rings.

"Well I don't know what to do," mused Bullhorn, "Turn her over to a zoo?"

"NO WAY!" they replied.

"What manner of place is this zoo?" she asked, "What kind of things do they do?"

"It's like prison for animals!" said one of the children.

"What kind of thing did I do," she replied, "To deserve this prison zoo?"

"Does this look like a damn stable?!" grumbled Bullhorn, "To have a zebra at our table?!"

"This must be like the only goddamn talkin' zebra in the world!" said a smaller child.

"That means she's got no parents!" agreed another, "That makes her a fucking orphan too!"

"YEAH!" called all the other children.

"Well I guess I gotta agree more," he muttered, "This ain't no muthafuckin' whore."

"So she can stay?!" they asked. Fucking creepy, isn't it?

"Bullhorn never turned an orphan out to the street," he replied as he turned to walk out, "Boy am I tied and muthafuckin' beat..." Then he paused to ask, "By the way what do you eat? Hopefully something nice and neat."

"A dandelion sandwich will do," she replied, "or rolled oats will work too."

"We got oatmeal!" cried one of the children, "That can with that old white muthafucker on it!"

"Honey Bee! Make some Quaker Oats!" he muttered as he walked out, "We better not be adopting goats..."

"I AM NOT YOUR BITCHASS SLAVE!" she called from down the hall.

He's got might, that Dynamite!

by neorenamon

Honey Bee grumbled as she brought in a large bowl of Quaker Oatmeal to Zecora. She was still effectively pinned by all the orphans who just wouldn't let the adorable little zebra alone for three seconds. The child on her back had both hands gripping her mane in a somewhat annoying way.

She put the bowl on the floor before her which caused Zecora to blink.

"Are you sure you are not able," she asked, "to place this on a proper table?"

"Table?!" snorted Honey, "Does this look like the Ritz Carlton to you?!"

She leaned down to sniff the bowl before her, blow on it a few times, and then sampled a bite of it.

"This is a bit of a bland stew," she muttered, "but I imagine this will for the moment do."

"Glad you approve there, Martha Stewart," replied the woman as she stalked off.

"Don't mind Miss Honey Bee," said one of the orphans, "She's a snarky bitch."

"I'm not sure if I know a lot," she replied, "but a female dog Miss Honey is not."

"Oh, bitch got a whole lotta meanings, Miss Zecora. A whole messa them."

"You are poor as I can tell," she mused, "so you cannot afford spoons as well?"

"Spoons? How can ya use a spoon without no hands?"

"If you'd fetch a spoon for me, then you would surely see," she replied with a wink.

A moment passed before a spoon was passed up and dropped down in the bowl. Much to their amazement, she touched the end of it with her hoof and it lifted up with a load of oatmeal. They watched it go into her mouth before she swallowed.

"I told ya she was some magic unicorn bitch!" said random child proudly.

"I tell you that I have no horn," she replied dryly, "so I cannot be any unicorn."

The children watched her eat enraptured. They watched her until the bowl was empty.

"Have you nothing better to do?" she asked mildly annoyed, "Is this such a treat for you?"

"This is like the most special day in our lives!" replied one.

"This is surely good to know," she sighed, "one's standards can be so low." She yawned before she added, "I do not wish to be a creep, but is there a place for me to sleep?"

"We got some spare room in the bedroom!" offered one of the orphans eagerly.

"If you have space to spare, could one of you take me there?"

They nodded as they led her down the hall. When they led her in, she noticed that in one corner was an occupied bed and its occupant had an ice pack on their forehead. She walked over to look them over.

"Don't get too close," said a child, "She all is sick."

Zecora looked at one of them as she asked, "I don't mean to be so formal, but is your temperature normal?"

"Hell yeah," she replied.

So Zecora stepped up and placed her tongue on their forehead causing her to giggle greatly. Then she moved the ice pack and did the same to their forehead.

"I am now a believer. This one has a fever."

"What? You some kinda bitchass horse doctor?"

"You should cease with the bitchin," she replied, "Take me to this place's kitchen. I think I know what I must do, but I don't need help from ALL of you."

"Take her to the kitchen there, Little Rodney King," offered one of them.

So she followed him down the hall, down the stairs and over to the kitchen area. Using her nose, she travelled about the place gathering food, herbs and seasonings that she slowly mixed together in a bowl. Finally, she told Radney to take the bowl back to the others while she followed behind.

"This medicine requires no warning," she announced, "It will make one better by the morning."

"Fer reals?!"

"This sickness needs some treatment now, but all she must do is eat it somehow."

She sat up and began eating.

"This ain't no medicine," she muttered, "It don't taste like shit."

"If there's some illness treated with shit," she replied, "then this is surely not one with it."

"She all means that medicine don't work unless it tastes bad," offered another child.

"There's nothing more than let her sleep," she replied, "Make no sound. Not a peep."

Then Zecora walked around looking for a place to lay down. They pointed to a bed across the way from the sick child's sleeping place, so she climbed up there and curled up. She found the noises the bed made odd.

"What kind of noise does this bed make?" she asked, "Is this bed some kind of noisy fake?"

"What? Ya never slept on a spring mattress before?"

She shook her head 'no'. "I guess this will be alright," she replied, "so I bid you all goodnight."

...

A FEW HOURS LATER

...

Black Dynamite stopped by to see how the orphans were doing before he went off to do some... stuff... with the whores. He blinked as he saw a rather small zebra in one of the beds with five of the orphans sleeping on or around them.

"Someone has some mutherfuckin' splainin' to do... And by someone, I mean Honey Bee," he muttered under his breath before he went over to check on the sick girl. He put the back of his hand to her forehead and added, "Well at least the goddamn fever is broken. I guess she's gonna git a whole lot better now."

Looking at the zebra, he wondered where all the brass rings came from.

He sighed as he walked out adding, "There better not be any goddamn horsey shit around here..."

Mourning the Morning

by neorenamon

Zecora awoke in the morning half buried by the strange creatures she fell among. For a moment, she thought it was a strange dream, but she soon realized that it was real. She lifted her head to look about as that was about the only part of her not covered in the strange younglings.

Looking out through cracks in the curtains, she guessed that the sun was now shining down upon the world... whichever world she was now stuck in. She noticed that the sun wasn't quite the same yellowish tone that she was used to either.

The little ones began to stir as she moved.

"Hey!" said one, "The magic zebra is awake!"

"If you are speaking to me," she replied, "then that statement is plain to see."

"Aw man, how does she do that rhyming shit?!" asked another.

"I shall never get used to it," she grumbled, "the so many uses you have for 'shit'."

"Say..." noted another, "Speaking of shit, you ain't taken one since you got here. Don't you gotta poop by now?"

"That would be a safe bet," she replied, "Do you use a toilet?"

"Hell yeah!" he replied, "'Cept for the little ones in diapers."

"Perhaps one of you can lead the way?" she asked, "Would one of you help me today?"

She got more volunteers than she needed. They moved as a single mass into the hallway.

"Where are you taking that zebra bitch?" asked Bullhorn, "Seeing her makes me fucking twitch!"

"She's gonna use the toilet!" offered a little girl.

He raised an eyebrow. "Color me a fucking rapper!" he cussed, "A zebra using the goddamn crapper?!"

"Do you take me for a 'tard," she asked, "who takes a crap out in the yard?"

"That's what Bullhorn does know," he replied, "that four legged critter shit should go. Unless it's a cat... litter boxes for that."

"She's fucking magic like a unicorn!" called one of the little boys beside her.

"Magic my bloody ass!" he snorted, "It's too early to be smoking grass!"

"Well if we're stoned, then you are too!" replied one of the young girls.

"Stoned I am not," he smirked, "but I have drank a lot."

"Does this look like a fucking pink elephant to you?!"

Bullhorn shrugged as the procession continued to the bathroom. "I hope you don't shit a lot!" he called after them, "We just paid to fix that pot!"

"She's probably not as fulla shit as you!" they replied.

"Just remember I'm older than you!" he yelled, "I can scold you and spank your ass too!"

Zecora shot him a glare that told him, 'Not in my presence!'

One of the kids knocked on the bathroom door. They could hear the sound of running water from the shower.

"I ain't done in the shower yet!" called Honey Bee.

"We gotta take a shit!" replied one of the girls.

"Okay!" she replied, "The door ain't locked!"

So they walked in as Zecora sat herself on the toilet. She looked rather humanesque as she sat on the seat. They could see the silhouette of Honey Bee through the shower curtain.

"Goddamn!" she cussed, "How many of you are in here?! There's only one toilet, you know!"

"That was something I did not know," replied the zebra, "but it's true that I must go."

There was a splash as the first meadow muffin hit the water.

Honey Bee poked her head through the shower curtains to stare at Zecora sitting on the toilet.

"You're... fucking shitting me?!" she asked in dismay.

"Why would I shit on you?" asked the zebra, "Is that something you creatures do?"

"Oh no, Miss Zecora," said a little boy, "That's just a thing we say!"

"You have a funny way," she replied as she crapped some more, "of using words you say."

"I can't believe I'm talking with a miniature zebra," she muttered.

"You are somewhat large," she observed, "Are you the one in charge?"

"I wish," she muttered, "but the head honcho around here is Black Dynamite."

Dy-na-mite! Dy-na-mite! Dy-na-mite!

"Well she is kind of in charge of us," admitted one of the orphans.

"Perhaps it's much to ask of you," asked the zebra, "but may I use the shower too?"

"You... shower?" she asked quietly.

"While I have no plumbing at home," she replied, "they have them in Ponyville perchance to roam."

"Uh... okay... sure," she muttered.

After a moment, Zecora used her tail to flush. Then she got off the toilet.

"Did she just..." stammered HB, "Yeah, it's fucking magic alright."

"It's so fucking COOL!" declared one of the small females.

"Well gimme a few minutes," she replied as she retreated back into the shower.

Zecora looked at Honey Bee's image against the curtain as she said, "She has things I haven't seen before. Why does her chest have so much more?"

"What?" asked a boy, "You ain't seen tits before?"

"I have seen many pony and other bits," she replied, "but what are these things called 'tits'?"

"You know... the things milk come from?"

"So those bumps are her teats?" she mused, "What a place to store those treats."

"Well my tits are up here cuz' humans nurse their children holding them in our arms," muttered Honey Bee.

"I think I see it now," she replied, "You hold milk like a cow."

"I ain't no damn cow!"

There was a knock on the door as Black Dynamite called, "You done in there yet, Honey Bee?! I gotta shit!!"

"Get in line behind the zebra!" she replied.

"I don't know what you're going on about, but fucking hurry up!"

The orphans pushed Zecora into the shower with Honey Bee.

"What the?!.." asked HB.

"We get done faster when we shower together!" offered one of the boys.

"We don't fucking need to have Black Dynamite kick down another door!" added one of the girls.

"I don't mean to stare," said Zecora, "but why you have so little hair?"

"I guess it's being human," she replied, "We got hair on our head and more hair when we... uh... grow up."

"She shaves her legs!" called a little boy.

"That's not important!" she hissed back.

"I don't want to seem a dope," asked the zebra, "but where is the bar soap?"

"We just have liquid soap around here," she replied.

"Honey Bee! Just help her clean up before BD gets pissed!" said one of the orphans.

"Great... I'm now a bathroom attendant to a miniature zebra..." she muttered.