You never know what life is until it's gone.
Mine was ripped away from me, without explanation or reason.
All I ever wanted was to find what was lost to me.
My friends.
My family.
Myself.
****
Florescent lights.
The first thing I saw was an endless stream of florescent lights overhead as I passed by them. Adding to it was the continuous sound of the broken, rusty wheels endlessly clicking while being pushed along.
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"Hello?"
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"Where am I?"
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack
"What happened?"
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"Why am I naked in a body bag on a gurney?...Where are you taking me?"
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"Hello?"
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"I can't move?"
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"Talk to me."
Click-clack, click-clack, click-clack.
"Please."
"We don't talk to the dead silly." said the thing pushing my gurney. A creature of stark white fur with red hair tied in a bun wearing a mask and a nurses cap with a bright red cross on it.
"Dead?"
"That's right you died, recently too. Your dead and now your with us." the thing continued talking as we rounded a corner, stopping in front of a large door. "Looks like your journey ends here I'm afraid. Now be a good girl and enjoy your eternity."
Panic I reach into the recesses of my mind trying to phantom the events that brought me here. Drawing complete blanks in every step of my memories being shut off to me. I had no past, no life, no beginning, no end. Whatever I was, now gone, erased after my passing. A lump of skin and nothing else. This couldn't be right.This can't be right.
Please God let this be just a dream.
The pony looking creature opened the steel door to the freezer to wheel me into to a place of cold, darkness. A place filled with other body bags placed on countless shelves holding more like me, spending their forever forgotten. Effortlessly she lifted me up to place me on a cold slab of empty metal already layered with a thin film of ice. "This is your new home now," she said taking the light with her when she closed the door. Leaving me alone and terrified.
No! No! NO! This can't be it. This can't be my end.
I screamed, I raged inside myself. Tearing at the walls of my empty mind looking for a something, an anything. An escape from this hell.
"Shhh," something whispered in the darkness as it began stroking the hair on my head, "calm down I'm here for you."
Her words soothed me but for a strange reason made we wary as well. I felt something menacing in this person.
"Oh I am not a person," she said reading my thoughts, "think of me as something very special."
"What are you then?"
"Somepony who cares. I saw nurse Redheart bring you in. I saw her bring in someone I knew was frightened and very lonely. And I said to myself: I said, I bet this person is scared. I bet this person doesn't understand anything. More than that I bet this person needs a friend. Friendship is magical after all. Can I ask what your name is?"
"I...I don't know. I don't know anything."
"Hmm, well then let me give you one...Lyra...Lyra Heartstrings. Yes that's a good, great name for you. Lyra my name is Bon Bon," whispered the voice in the darkness.
"Bon Bon?"
"Yes, and their is so much I have to show you. I know we are going to be just the bestest friends forever..."
"...And ever."
****
Hello...
It's me...
We need to talk...about a lot of things.
About you...About me...About us.
I know you don't know me but believe me when I say I'm your best friend in the whole wide world. I know this because I am always their. Even though you don't know It, I am always watching you. From when you get up to when you goto bed, I watch. Standing over you as you dream. Staring as your chest rises and falls in rhythm to the fantasies in your head, I watch.
I saw your husband come home late last night. I saw him crawl into bed and promptly fall asleep. Not even bothering to touch you. Even in your dreams I know this hurt. I'm so very, very sorry that happened.
I caught you staring at yourself naked in the bathroom mirror again. I know you think that your fat and ugly and old. I saw that you kept telling yourself those terrible words over and over again. Why do you do this? Why do you feel the need to hurt yourself?
You are positive that your husband is cheating on you. You want to confront him...throw him out. I've seen that you have come close a few times but instead you back down. I watched as you made something up in order to change the topic. As miserable as you are with him you are even more scared about the thought of being alone. It terrifies you doesn't it?
Oh my poor friend. I want you to know that you are never alone. I am always here for you and with you. You are my bested friend in the whole wide world and as they say in my world friendship is magical.
Although we have never met before I want you to know that you are never alone. Out of all the people in the world I chose you and I will be visiting you shortly to bring some joy to your world, just you wait.
I noticed you have fallen asleep on the couch again while waiting for your husband to come home. I hope you don't get upset but you still stink of the knock off Estee Lauder you dabbed on yourself earlier before rushing off to work. Late again for the third time this week. Don't get mad but I don't like it. When we meet we are going to have to get you something better.
I want to bring a smile on the pretty human face of yours, to bring some much needed joy to your heart. I do this because friends help each other out when their down and I want to help you.
Will you smile for me when I arrive? Will you remember what it's like to be alive again? You have no idea of the sights I will show you. The places I will take you. I have made a very special doorway just to come and see you. In a short moment I will be their and make all the bad things life has thrown at you go away. Look up for I am coming.
"Lyra!" wailed a voice. A horrible, terrible voice that has been with me since the beginning, "Why do you keep doing this? Why do you hide from me?"
The door I had created slams shut as the very real fear disrupts my concentration. She is still looking for me. My other half. I had thought myself safe here in one of the forgotten rooms at Smith Grove Sanitarium. Hidden away in an abandoned room thickly padded and smelling of stale, old urine and other stenches I'm glad I couldn't identify. The only light coming in from a single window high overhead. It is my safe place, my sanctuary away from the other horrors around me...It is my escape from Bon Bon.
"I know your around here somewhere," She said. Her angry screams filling the hallway, "I will find you and I'm never letting you go."
The harder I have pushed away from Bon Bon and the nightmares that follow her the tighter she clings to me. This thing, this monster has been at my side since I was made. The atrocities her and the other ponies have done follow me everywhere as got to know of the depths of their actions. What they do to feed. Especially what she has done to me.
My feelings continuously shift from hate to fear every time we are together. I was barely able to get away from her...from the others when I fled here to hide. I know if I am found I will never have another chance. Even more frightening is the thought of what they will do if they catch me.
Echoes of doors to empty rooms slammed opened are heard as she methodically checks each one for me. Dammitt! I should have known this was an obvious place to hide.
I can't go back. All the things I have done, all the things they have done. The though of spending eternity with her by my side, surrounded them scares me more than anything. Oh god I can hear her getting closer.
"LYRA!" she screams again right outside my door, "enough of these games come out now."
Without a second thought I grab the phone I took from one of my victims. It is my only way to create a door to the real world. And crawl underneath the rusted cot in the corner. Trying not to gag on the horrible stench coming from the molded, stained mattress as I curl into a ball trying to make myself tiny as possible. Even the dead have things to fear...
Even the dead can be hurt.
Not even a moment passes when the rusted steel door bangs open, hitting a patch of bare wall with enough force to break off a large piece of it. The chunk slams into the floor, breaking off to scatter in a million different directions. I shrink back further under the bed, feeling disgust as the filth on the floor matted with my lime green fur. Biting down on my lip to keep from crying out in revulsion I stare at her. A creation of hurt and pain. A monster. A killer like the rest of them. A eating machine without even the barest of compassion. I should know, I'm one of them.
I watch her stand their. Scanning the room, looking for any signs of me. "LYRA!" Bon Bon screams a third time, "we can talk about this, you and I. You're my best friend in the whole wide world. We are meant for each other."
I can hear the flakes of rust land on the ground like rice from the silence as she listens to any clue as to where I might be. I am trapped here. No place to run if she spots me.
"Why do you hate me so much? Your supposed to be my best friend in the whole world," she says quietly growling, "So why do you keep running away from me, from us."
My body convulses from the terror gripping me. She is so close I can smell the death pouring off of her. All she has to do is kneel down and its all over for me. And may god have mercy on me because she will not.
She stands their for a moment longer and surprises me as she starts to cry. "I love you," she whispers in the empty air before starting her trudge away from my hiding spot. Examining the other rooms, occasionally screaming out my name as she continues on.
I hold myself tightly, the terror has consumed me for a time being. I can't move...I can't think. Paralyzed with fear I stare outwards in the filthy room I am hiding in watching the last rays of daylight fade as the sun goes down leaving me alone in complete darkness. Except for the occasional scream from Bon Bon continuing to look for me in the empty asylum their is nothing but silence in the land of the dead for me.
****
Hello again...
Its been awhile hasn't it? I'm so sorry if you missed me while I was away. I missed you so much. It took me awhile to work up the courage to leave my hiding spot to see you again. I'm sorry I wasn't their to keep you company. I know it had to have been hard being their all by yourself. To tell the truth I haven't seen Bon Bon since that time she was looking for me. That worries me a little. But enough about that I'm sure you don't want to hear my sob story. Lets talk about you. I would love to get to know you better.
I see you fell asleep again on the couch. Television blaring to some nameless show with an almost empty bottle of cheep wine next to you. I can smell it from here and it reeks. I see your wearing that old nightshirt again. The one with the faded teddy bear on it. I'm not sure if you noticed but I have. You only seem to wear it when your depressed. You have been wearing it a lot lately.
Even in your sleep your eyes are puffy and red. I noticed used tissues are scattered around you. You cried yourself to sleep while you waited for your husband to come home again didn't you? You deserve so much better. And I plan on giving it to you as once again I have created a doorway to see you. Just you wait and see what I have in store.
It was the theme song that woke you from your stupor. I saw you jump awake as the music started to blare. Still intoxicated you reached for the remote to turn it off.
"I used to wonder what friendship could be," I quietly sing along with the music as I watch you fumble around with it. No my friend I am not going away from you. You need me and I need you.
No matter how many times you press the off button I am not going to go away. Not this time. I can feel my heart in my chest beating faster as you stumble over to the TV set. Oh happy days! You have no idea how long I have waited for this moments of moments. I been waiting for this moment so very, very long to finally meet you. Your face is inches away from mine. So close! So close! So close I can see the beginnings of crows feet on each side of your eyes. You are so close now you have finally noticed me behind the show. The me that has been watching you since forever.
"Hello." I say as is the proper way to greet someone, " My name is Lyra Heartstrings and I'm glad to finally meet you."
Leaping through the door I jump on top of her. Too stunned and too drunk she falls easily on the ground with me on top of her with my hoof digging down into her mouth, going farther and farther in.
"You have no idea just how long I have been waiting for this moment to finally be with you. I have been missing you so much and their is so much to talk about." I say, "But first I have just a small, teeny-tiny little favor I need to ask. See best friends always share everything with each other and I know you are going to be my best friend so I wanted to ask," I continue on giving her my biggest smile exposing rows upon rows of my horribly sharp teeth as I push my hoof even deeper into her. "If you could share your skin with me."
****
I am so happy I could almost cry. The sensations almost overload me with ecstasy. I have dreamed of this moment for so long and to finally have it. Honestly I didn't think it would ever happen.
I stare at myself naked in the mirror. Exploring every inch of what I now am. Smiling finally at the thoughts of everything I wanted to do. Eat ice cream, make love, walk on the beach.
More importantly find out who I was. Everything my imagination can possibly create I can finally do.
I am human, finally human.
Almost. As I pull down the skin under my eye, seeing a flash of mint green hiding. Maybe one day that will vanish. One can hope. But as much as I want to stay here and enjoy my new body I have a lot to do. Eventually they will start to look for me, especially Bon Bon who I know will not be happy with my leaving.
I would love to tell them to goto hell but they already are so what's the point.
My first thing is grab a nice hot shower to clean the filth off of me. Enjoying every second of the heat from the water. In Equestria my existence was nothing but a constant state of numbness, hunger...and Bon Bon. I involuntary shudder at the memories of her and the things she did as I start to feel the old urge to curl myself into a ball.
"No!" I shout out loud. This is my new life and no one is going to take that away from me. With purpose I exit the shower, dress and start rummaging through my new friends stuff throwing random items into a suitcase. I haven't figured the money thing yet but I'm sure I will in time. Clothed, packed, ready to start my new life their is just one thing left to do.
I consider this a favor for my friend as I go into the kitchen to grab a knife.
****
Didn't have to wait long when I heard the keys rattling in the door. The apartment is quiet and dark. Waiting for him to enter. Out of respect for you I shall make it quick. I'll kill then eat him then my new life begins.
I wait around the corner near the door as he enters, hearing him shut the door behind him. Listening to him approach me getting closer as I raise the knife to my chest. He is my prey and I am going to enjoy this so much.
The sound of his footsteps grow louder as he is walks right by me. I smile with delight while licking my tongue over my lips as I grip the knife tighter in my hand. Springing out I plunge it into his chest with all my strength.
The wooden hilt juts from his chest as I stand over him ready to feed. Feeling a small tingling starting to bloom. He looks at me with confusion as I catch another emotion in his eyes. Something I wasn't prepared for.
"I'm so disappointed in you Lyra," he says in Bon Bon's voice.
I watch in horror as the stench of rot and death emerge from the opening I made in his chest. Black ooze starts to pour out, running down his body, leaving smoke as it plops onto the ground.
"How could you?" Bon Bons whispers, glaring at me. Eyes filled with hurt and anger. "After everything I have done for you. Everything we have done you wanted to leave. Do you think we didn't know? Do you think were stupid?"
I feel my world shattering around me while despair shredded my being. All my hard work, all my plans, all my dreams, gone. Like my humanity they have taken everything from me and still it wasn't enough. I felt hot tears running down my cheek. Body shaking uncontrollably I started backing away as she approached me.
"You wanted to leave me? You bitch!" she growled, "How dare you. HOW DARE YOU! We are going to have a long talk about this when we get home."
No! No! NO! Oh god no! I can't go back. I just started to live again and they are going to take it all away. Even more terrifying is the thought of what they will do to me.
I heard a click as the television turned on behind me. Glancing around I saw them, hundreds of them. Standing in the darkness watching everything. Their cruel anger focused on me.
"It's over Lyra," said Bon Bon, "He specifically asked I bring you to him."
I should have ran, maybe I would have had a chance. Instead blind panic overtook me and I grabbed the knife from Bon Bon's chest and just started cutting and stabbing without any thought as to what I was actually doing. As if I was really doing any harm to her.
Without even the slightest flicker that I was doing any actual harm. Bon Bon grabbed my arm and twisted it all the way around. Bones broke and skin was ripped away until my bright green hoof could be clearly seen rising out from the tear she made while my hand hung limply, attached only by a few threads of skin.
"We're going home now," she said flatly, throwing me to the ground.
"Lyra! Lyra! Lyra!" the ponies chanted inside the screen as I was grabbed roughly by Bon Bon around the back of my neck. Her nails tearing through the skin and holding me tight I was dragged kicking and screaming towards the screen.
Lyra! Lyra! Lyra! Lyra! Lyra!
I begged, screamed, cried as I was pulled closer, watching a mindless wall of hooves reached out of the screen, wanting nothing more than to take me back. Back to Equestria, back to home.
Lyra! Lyra! Lyra! Lyra!
"Please," I cried to Bon Bon all shreds of dignity evaporated as I groveled. She didn't even give me a backward glance as she threw me at them.
They ripped and tore, shredded and ate. They destroyed my beautiful skin in a mindless feeding frenzy. This time not by hunger but by betrayal and anger. They wanted to hurt me as they felt I had hurt them. They wanted me to suffer. With ever bite or claw they destroyed another part of me more painful than anything physical they could ever do. Leaving me back to what I was again. Lyra the mint green pony.
I felt destroyed, violated. In the middle of a circle, surrounded by them...Those monsters. I knew as bad as it was it was going to get even worse as He approached.
He is our creator. He is our god. Call him Discord, draconequus, or worm as I have it whispered in some corners. He is our master.
Standing their motionless, watching me. He wore an expression of utmost sadness at my misery. But his eyes, those horrible, terrible eyes of his contain a glint of sparkle no amount of acting could hide. He was enjoying my suffering, my pain. Even more he knew that I saw through his act, making my pain that much sweeter for him.
I stood their battered and torn in the circle of ponies as he approached. Panting I gathered my courage and stood my ground. Was it bravery? Probably not, more like having no place left to run. I gave a quick glance around for Bon Bon but I couldn't see her. Just as well.
"Did I ever tell you I thought you were the most beautiful of my ponies?" he asked in a voice overflowing with honey, kneeling down to look at me in the eye, "all of my creations are beautiful in their own ways. But you Lyra. Your the one that stood out from the others. I have given you so much and yet you are still not happy. It's my fault, I should have paid more attention to you. So Lyra you have my fullest attention, what's wrong?"
My lower lip trembled as I fought for the things I wanted to say. His aura surrounded me, choking the very words from my mouth, making at best a garbled whimper.
"Shhh, it's alright," he said bringing a finger to my mouth, "I am always eager to help my friends in need." He continued on while bringing his outstretched finger to my forehead. An evil red light began to glow around it as he brought it closer, "lets find out what the problem is," he said touching me. A harsh electric tingle ran through my head as I felt myself suddenly pulled away, falling deep into the dark, dead recesses of my mind.
Long dead synapses and neurons began to come to life as I fell. Fractured memories and disjointed images of a past I have been wanting so desperately to discover for so very long. Faces, people, events I grabbed at like a man dying of thirst. I pushed myself deeper still, sensing I was so close to the real me before it was all taken away. Finally getting an answer to the thing I have been searching for. Who am I?
I felt her. The real me. She was so close, waiting patiently deep inside me for this day. Everything started to come together as I drew closer to her. A joy I had never know before started to leap from my heart as I saw the person I was before reach out to me to grab my hoof. Her name hovering just inches away. "I missed you so much." I said feeling fresh hot tears starting to run down my face.
And like that it was taken away.
"Ah I see what the problem is," said a voice breaking through as a pain I have never felt before ripped through my consciousness burrowing itself into my head. Discords claws had pierced my head exiting the other side as he held the part of me that was me. The part of me I have been hunting for very long.
"Don't you worry little pony, daddy has made everything better." he said happily squeezing his hand tightly, destroying the only thing I have every wanted in my afterlife.
I don't even remember when I stopped screaming.
****
H-hello...
It's uh...um...me...
We um...we...we need to t-talk...about, a-a-bout a lot of uh things....
About you...a-about me....about um us...
I um, I haven't been the s-same since...since...He uh fixed me. My um head, my head, my HEAD! Hard to hold thinks...hard remembering. Can't move good. No walk right. No think good. Be stuck in Smith's Grove now, b-b-broken so no Equestria f-for me. Me bad pony sosososososososo stay here for-forever.
Bon Bon see me lots. Head hurts, no...think good...fuzzy.She nice to me say she, say she, say she...say she still love me...still friend...think hurts...fuzzy...say I'm still uh....p-pretty pony. Say move mane, move mane, move MANE. Move hair no see hole in head. No hole, no hole no hole, no hole, no hole, no hole. Think hurts, no speak good...no think um right.
Don't like Bon Bon, Bon Bon. Hate hugs her. L-likes to uh...touch me. Want her to stop. Fuzzy head. Hurts.
F-found...found people mask in corner of room. N-N...Niiiiightmare, mare, mare Night think. Dirty...old. p-put on feel happy. Think not h-hurt much, much.
Bon Bon talk say, say, say ugly. No wear...so...she, she try take...I hisss, wail, scare her. She mad...yells then uh l-l-leaves. I happy.
Nurse Redheart come room...ask why mask wear. Look her think, think...think, clears. Not fuzzy as I say, s-say.
I s-say, say it is the first time I feel a-al-alive.
I s-say first time, time, time, I feel human.
Author's Note
This was the eight rewrite I have done to the story. And it will probably have a few more until it will be ready. Unfortunately it will be awhile before I come back to it. As I was beginning to rewrite the story over again I realized something. I was not enjoying it at all. I was dreading doing another rewrite.
Don't get me wrong I love this story. I love all the stories in the series. But when it stops becoming a fun hobby of letting your mind wander to create something new and interesting and starts to lose its joy, then it's time to step away and take a deep breath.
More stories in the series are coming soon so have no fear. And this one will eventually get the work it deserves. Not anytime soon but eventually. For right now enjoy the work in progress.
