I Will Go Down With This Ship!

by Magpiepony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Luna, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 3555

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have recruited Princess Cadence to help settle the arguments between the two sisters about which pairings are OTP!

What can you do on Hearts and Hooves Day if you’re a single immortal alicorn? Spy on Equestria and discuss relationships of course! Princess Celestia and Princess Luna have invited Princess Cadence into their annual event where they plead the case for their ideal pairings of the ponies we know and love; hoping the Princess of Love will have some refreshing insight on the matter. Who is YOUR OTP and how does it stack up?

This piece was created as an entry for "Scribblefest" hosted by Everfree Northwest 2017. I've never entered a pony writing contest before so I thought this year I would give it a shot!

To any fanfic readers out there: please ask before you use any of my stories for audio adaptations. Initial rights to this story go to TheLostNarrator in terms of audio productions :) thanks!

Published 2017-03-01 10:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-03-01 10:00:01 UTC

My ship is superior! No, mine!

The Celestial void is a sacred place that very few ponies are ever fortunate enough to visit. Only Princess Celestia and Princess Luna are known to frequent this place, with the two exceptions being Princess Cadence and Princess Twilight at the time of their alicorn ascension. Therefore, when Cadence suddenly found herself back here without a word’s warning, she knew she had been called for a reason.

Cadence wandered along the glowing ethereal pathway until she heard voices arguing in the distance. As she came closer, she identified the voices as Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. Fearing there was trouble, Cadence rushed towards them.

“Princesses… is something wrong? Why have I been called here?” She asked, momentarily out of breath.

“Good! You’re here! Please tell this pathetic cake-a-holic moron how relationships are SUPPOSED to work!” Princess Luna said, sitting on the ground and crossing her hooves while making pointed glares at Celestia.

“There’s no need for name calling, Luna. I can’t help it if you’re wrong and I have to point that out.” Celestia said, delicately magicking her fork into the slice of cake hovering nearby before taking a dainty bite.

“What’s… going on?” Cadence asked, sensing that the only danger here was the temper of two bickering siblings.

“Well, my dear Cadence, we all know that Hearts and Hooves day is a widely celebrated occasion in Equestria.” Celestia started.

“And since my sister and I are immortal and have yet to find love, we spend our holiday a little differently than other ponies.” Princess Luna added. “Princess N.S.A. here likes to stalk her subjects and record their daily lives for her personal enjoyment.”

Celestia’s brow furrowed angrily and she spat out bits of cake when she replied.

“Don’t pretend you don’t do it too! I’ve seen you poking around in ponies dreams like a per—“

“Alright, alright, I get it.” Cadence said putting her hooves up in defense. “You both spy on your subjects and that’s majorly creepy… but what does that have to do with Hearts and Hooves Day?”

Celestia and Luna shot each other a glance and then returned their attention to Cadence.

“Well, when we monitor ponies, for their own safety of course, we can see things from another perspective and can pinpoint certain attractions before they become legitimized. Of course, we don’t agree on certain pairings and discuss them in further detail—“

“We ship the ponies and fight about which pairings are OTP.” Princess Luna interjected, simplifying Celestia’s explanation.

Cadence stood dumbfounded for a moment, gauging whether or not the princesses were joking. The prolonged silence confirmed that they were not.

“Uh… okay so then why am I here?” Cadence asked, feeling a little uncomfortable about the subject.

“To settle the argument and prove once and for all who is OTP of course.” Princess Celestia said, eating another bite of cake.

“You’re the Princess of Love; we assumed you would know better on these matters.” Princess Luna explained.

“Alright, well… if I can be of help then I’ll certainly try.” Cadence said with a nervous smile, sitting across from the immortal sisters.

“Wonderful! Let’s start on something easy, shall we?” Celestia asked. She ignited her horn with magic and moments later dozens of little screens flickered to life showing clips of a certain young stallion with a green apple cutie mark.

“Are you familiar with Big Macintosh?” Princess Celestia asked. Cadence’s eyes widened at the sight of the scenes that played before her. She hesitated before answering.

“Y-yes actually I am. I was introduced by Applejack when I visited Twilight in Ponyville.” She stammered.

“Great. Now we all know he has obvious chemistry with Miss Cheerilee, and there is plenty of evidence to support that ship, just watch.” Princess Luna said, indicating to a specific screen that displayed a scene of Big Mac and Miss Cheerily gazing lovingly into each other’s eyes.

“Of course you would pull that scene! You and I both know they were under a love poison.” Celestia said in exasperation.

“Alright, then how about this part at the end of the day, huh? The cutie mark crusaders broke the curse and they STILL walked off into the sunset together!” Luna demanded.

“That doesn’t prove anything.” Celestia said, crossing her hooves.

“Alright, how about this one? When Big Mac sang with the Ponytones and Miss Cheerilee faints in his presence, so obviously overcome by his powerful vocals and striking smile.” Luna retorted.

“You don’t know that’s why she fainted, she could have felt ill.” Princess Celestia said.

“Does that dreamy look in her eye imply illness?” Princess Luna countered.

“What’s wrong with Big Mac falling for Miss Cheerilee?” Cadence asked nervously.

“Nothing is WRONG with it, but she simply isn’t the match for him. Might I remind you that a little bit later that year he was introduced to a certain Marble Pie and was so enamored that he couldn’t speak a word. His blushing did all of the talking for him.” Princess Celestia said, showing on one of the screens the moment Pinkie Pie and Applejack’s families met.

“They could be related! That’s potentially disgusting!” Princess Luna said in distaste.

“Oh please, that was just a ploy Pinkie used to create comical misadventures with the Apples. Besides, if they were related, did you see how far back in their lineage that scroll indicated? I’m sure everypony is related if you look back that far.” Celestia countered.

“So which is it, Cadence? Who is the better ship?” Luna demanded.

Princess Cadence furrowed her brow for a moment and watched the separate scenes play out with each pairing.

“Actually, if I’m not mistaken… Big Macintosh already has a marefriend, I think her name is Sugar Belle.” Cadence pointed out.

“Oh our little debates hardly ever have anything to do with actual relationships, Cadence. My sister and I have learned over the years that ponies will cycle through many romances before they finally settle down.” Princess Celestia said with a warm laugh.

“You should have seen who Celestia shipped you with before Shining Armor popped the question.” Princess Luna added slyly.

“Wait, what?!” Cadance asked, both confused and a little frightened.

“Despite the obvious adorable factor in his relationship with Sugar Belle, they simply don’t have the right level of compatibility. Not to mention the fact that I find it slightly disturbing that he would fall for a carbon-copy of his mother; just look at those similar designs!” Celestia said, cycling through the images on the screen with her magic. “Besides, if you want to argue sweet and demure mares, Marble Pie is clearly an obvious choice.”

“Miss Cheerilee can be just as sweet and demure as the next pony! Have you seen what she has to deal with? The strain she suffers without a word of complaint must count for something. She would need a stallion who would present no additional stressors in her life, and clearly Big Mac has that potential.” Luna said.

“Alright alright, maybe we can’t come to an agreement about Big Mac for now; perhaps Cadence can help us clear up another dilemma.” Celestia said, allowing the images on the screen to settle on a new focus: Discord.

“Ugh, how did HE end up in this discussion?” Princess Luna asked.

“We were on the topic of sweet and demure mares, and I believe that describes Fluttershy to a T. After a thorough analysis of her potential ships, I think Discord would make an appropriate match.” Celestia admitted.

“Wait… YOU think Fluttershy and Discord should be shipped?” Cadence asked in surprise.

“She is the only pony he speaks of, and clearly the only one he favors.” Celestia said, pointing to the screen that depicted Discord’s heroic intentions of saving Fluttershy from the Changelings.

“But I thought Discord would have worked better with…” Cadence trailed off unsure whether or not to finish her sentence.

“With who?” Celestia inquired.

“With you, sister. With you.” Luna said.

“Me?!” Celestia said.

“There is plenty of evidence to support it, look at the scene where Twilight defeated Tirek and acquired her new castle. Discord magicks up a bouquet just for you, sister.” Luna said, Cadence nodding.

“That’s absurd, he was only trying to apologize for double-crossing me—er, us, when he sided with Tirek.” Celestia said.

“And you are the only pony other than Princess Luna who has immortality like he does… you knew him in the past, and a beautiful relationship could have formed.” Cadence added.

“Relationship?! I helped Luna DEFEAT Discord! If I were so perfect for him, why would I banish him into stone? Besides, I could never love someone who deals with that much chaos on a daily basis… my life is scheduled and planned to the minute.” Celestia said.

“Cadence has a point, sister. He is your opposite and you know what they say: opposites attract.” Luna said.

“Why not you, Luna? What makes you any less right for him?” Celestia demanded.

“He doesn’t bother me, like he does you. When he tries anything I merely walk away; he’s grown tired of attempting to bother me. Wait… does that mean he gets under your skin? Will he not leave you be, dear sister, and that has spurned some feelings between you two?” Princess Luna accused.

“Of course not! Clearly you two will stop at nothing to convince yourselves otherwise so we will have to move on.” Celestia said, igniting her horn again to change the images before them.

“Tia and Discord sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S- OW!” Princess Luna cried when Celestia interrupted her taunt by throwing her empty cake plate at the unsuspecting mare.

“Ah ha, THIS I’m sure we can all agree on. Octavia—“

“And Vinyl Scratch.” Princess Luna finished.

“I thought her name was DJPon3.” Cadence said in confusion.

“Not according to the fans.” Celestia said with a wink.

“The... fans?” Cadence asked, but was ignored.

“They’re not as obvious as Lyra-Bon.” Princess Luna pointed out. “If only you could see the dreams those two have.”

“We already see. Here, I believe they were even together in the massive dream you orchestrated to work out your own demons.” Celestia said, indicating to the ponies Lyra and BonBon who appeared to be fused at the middle. They smiled and awkwardly hugged each other on the little screen.

“Ohhhh real mature Celestia, let’s air all MY shortcomings while hiding behind your own.” Luna said.

“Lyra and Bonbon are adorable together.” Cadence said, watching a different scene of the pair of them giggling and hugging at Cranky’s wedding.

“My short comings? What are you talking about?” Celestia said, feigning innocence.

“Don’t give me that. Just because you don’t monitor yourself doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes, sister. You failed to defeat Chrysalis, didn’t you? Or even see through her deceit when she masqueraded as Cadence.” Luna accused.

“It was so cold down in those caves…” Cadence said, getting a far off and haunting look in her eye as she spoke.

“I was too busy running the kingdom AND helping orchestrate a wedding; I put my faith completely in Shining Armor and hoped if something were amiss he could tell me about it. And where exactly were you when Equestria was threatened?” Celestia asked defensively.

“Asleep! Because no pony bothered to invite ME to the wedding! EITHER of them! I made the REAL Cadence’s reception for the last 2 minutes without so much as a ‘sorry’.” Luna said bitterly.

“Uh… let’s just talk about somepony else like… uh… Twilight.” Cadence said, scrambling for ideas. “I think she has a crush on one of my guards, a certain Flash Sentry.”

Cadence ignited her horn and changed the images on the screen herself this time, delighted to learn that they changed at her will. The screens paused on images of the pair’s blushing cheeks and awkward smiles both in the Crystal Empire and the train station in Ponyville.

“If she’s going to be with any Flash Sentry it’ll be the one in the human world.” Princess Celestia said, changing the screens again to show Twilight with another incarnation of Flash.

“Well if we’re allowed to use Equestria Girl characters then my vote goes for Sun-Light.” Princess Luna said, pointing her hoof at the human form of Sunset Shimmer with human Twilight.

“While I must agree they have chemistry, you do have to bear in mind that Cadence here was talking about pony Twilight, I believe human Twilight is a better match for my old student Sunset Shimmer, isn’t that right?”

Celestia and Luna looked over to Princess Cadence to see a terrified and confused look on her face. She was staring at the human incarnation of herself displayed on one of the screens.

“Oh… that’s right…” Princess Luna said.

“Yeah… we might have taken things a bit far… let’s stick with ponies, shall we?” Celestia said, clearing the screens immediately.

“What… but… I was…” Cadence stammered, still confused and a little disturbed by what she had been shown.

“Let’s just cut to the chase. We didn’t call Cadence here for Big Mac, Discord, or Twilight.” Princess Luna said.

“Very true my sister. There are much more important pairings… OTP pairings to discuss.” Celestia said. The screens transitioned again to show Twilight’s best friends in an array of different scenarios. The screens multiplied and flooded the Celestial Void. Though each friend was represented, there was one pony in particular who appeared more than any other: Rainbow Dash.

“Now Cadence, be a dear and help me explain to my foolish sister why AppleDash is the most superior of ships and therefore OTP.” Celestia said.

“It’s absolute nonsense! Clearly my sister is tired and over-worked; she can’t even see that FlutterDash is the more superior ship.” Luna countered.

“Applejack and Rainbow Dash are hard-working tomboy stereotypes, clearly the most obvious lesbimares of the group. They balance each other out so well too, Dash’s enthusiasm and Applejack’s sensibilities. There would be no stopping them.” Celestia said with her nose in the air.

“Stopping them? They’re both FAR too stubborn to get along with each other for long. Both would want to claim dominance and neither would back down. It would be a constant power struggle, and neither of their egos would allow it! FlutterDash, on the other hoof, is exactly the right combination of opposites and similarities combined into a loving relationship.” Luna said.

“Are you sure Fluttershy could handle Rainbow’s uh… energy?” Cadence asked.

“That’s the best part; they’re a compliment to each other, unlike AppleDash.” Luna said, to which Celestia gave a dark glare.

“They’ve been friends the longest, see? Look at how noble little filly Dash is to defend Fluttershy’s honor by racing her bullies, which ultimately lead to herself and all her friends getting their cutie marks. Chemistry like that cannot be beat. Not to mention Dash’s unwillingness to give up on Fluttershy and help her to conquer her fears—“

“HAH!” Celestia said interrupting Luna’s reasoning. “Then how do you explain this moment, hmm? Fluttershy’s fear of dragons caused nothing but delays when I tasked Twilight and her friends to wake the sleeping monster causing the dreadful dark clouds over Equestria. No one was more vocally upset than Rainbow Dash, who scolds Twilight for bringing Fluttershy along on more than one occasion. There are countless other examples of Dash’s impatience with Fluttershy’s methods, take your pick sister. Besides, are you insinuating that Rainbow Dash would want to be with a mare who hates one of her favorite holidays? Nightmare Night?”

“So… are we saying that Rainbow Dash is going to end up with a mare…” Cadence said trying to clarify. “Because I think Soarin might be another ideal match for—“

“No!” Both princesses screamed in protest.

“That’s a horrible ship. The only reason Rainbow would be with Soarin was because he is the only sane stallion she’s ever been seen with.” Princess Celestia said.

“Not to mention he is incompetent if he continues to let Spitfire walk all over him. He couldn’t stand up for himself let alone Rainbow Dash. HE would be the mare in the relationship if anything.” Luna added.

“Which defeats the point of her being in a relationship with a stallion at all, really. If she were going to date a Wonderbolt, she has far more chemistry with Spitfire.” Celestia added.

“Finally something we can agree on.” Luna added.

“Alright, alright, just asking.” Cadence said, putting up her hooves in defense. “I guess if I had to choose somepony for Rainbow Dash, I’d have to say Pinkie Pie would be the ideal marefriend.”

“Pinkie Pie?!” The two sisters said in surprise.

“With any other pony, Pinkie’s antics would drive them insane, but Rainbow and Pinkie have such a strong bond. Have you seen those two pranking together? There was a reason the map called them as the first missionaries of friendship to Griffinstone. And if memory serves, I believe Pinkie Pie herself told me that she calls her ‘Dashie’ rather than Rainbow Dash; which in my opinion is far too feminine and childish for Rainbow to approve. Only a very special mare could get away with calling her Dashie.”

Princess Celestia, having heard that tidbit of information, summoned up scenes where other ponies such as Twilight and Rarity call Rainbow Dash by the name ‘Dashie’. She didn’t say a word and let the screens speak for themselves.

“Well, Pinkie started it! And look at this scene here, Pinkie is beside herself with distress when Rainbow left for the academy… she wasn’t herself again until they visited her in Cloudsdale.”

“And what of Cheese Sandwich? They’re a partying duo with a lot of potential.” Celestia said.

“Or even Party Favor, he seems to be another male Pinkie Pie rip off.” Princess Luna added.

“Well, in both of those cases… it would be like dating yourself. And I don’t think anypony wants to date someone EXACTLY like themselves... Not to mention the fact that Pinkie Pie isn’t the only pony with erratic behavior. Rainbow Dash has her fair share of insanity moments. Only Pinkie Pie who has felt these mood swings and deals with them on a daily basis could really understand Rainbow and give her the emotional support she needs.”

“Alright I see you point, but Rainbow is not really of my OTP concern.” Princess Luna said non-chalantly.

“Oh? Who is your OTP?” Cadence asked.

“Rarijack. Rarijack is love, Rarijack is life.” Luna said igniting her horn and displaying Rarity and Applejack scenes that play out for each princess to watch.

“Well there are a number of ponies, stallions mostly, who would be better suited for Rarit—“

“DID YOU NOT HEAR THE PRINCESS OF THE NIGHT? I SAID RARIJACK IS LIFE!” Princess Luna said, using her Canterlot voice to get the message across.

“But… won’t you explain…” Cadence started.

“There’s no use, Cadence. You can’t win this one.” Celestia said, watching her sister and shaking her head. Soonafter, Luna was hugging one of the screens depicting an accidental nose-nuzzle between the mares.

“They’re… just… so adorable and so compatible… they already bicker like lovers, IT’S MEANT TO BE!”

“So… I guess that means I wasn’t all that helpful to you two after all.” Cadence said lowering her ears.

“Don’t be silly my dear, you made some great arguments, even almost convinced me a few times. Next year perhaps we could tackle some more difficult ponies such as Trixie or Starlight Glimmer.” Princess Celestia said calmly.

“What do you mean? I think they’re perfect for each other.” Cadence said laughing. Celestia joined in (laughing), smiling proudly.

“I knew inviting you would make this a little more… entertaining.” Celestia said with a wink.

“Entertaining? I thought you would have been upset with me for not agreeing with you.” Cadence said in confusion.

“Oh I change my OTP all the time, Cadence. This is just a little something we alicorns do to pass the time. I do believe Princess Luna takes it a bit more seriously though…”

Celestia and Cadence observed from afar a deranged-looking Luna with hoof-made dolls fashioned to resemble Applejack and Rarity; she was making them kiss.

“Come, we should probably calm Luna down before she hurts somepony. Oh… and Cadence, tell me, who would you see as a superior ship for Spike?” Celestia asked.

“Spike? You mean… the BABY dragon? Isn’t he going to be a baby for… a LONG time? I don’t think he should be shipped with ANYONE!” Cadence said in horror.

Celestia smiled warmly in approval.

“Good. I just had to be sure.” Celestia answered. “Luna! Those are not voodoo dolls, stop trying to make Rarijack happen!”

“NEVER!” Luna cried accompanied with frighteningly crazy-sounding laughter.

Author's Note

If there's one thing I have learned in my time in this fandom, it is -that Rarijack is love, Rarijack is life (but PinkieDash is still best ship ;) )
I've had this idea for a little while now and wanted to finally flesh it out in time for Everfree's writing contest. Even if I don't win anything, I'm really happy with how this piece turned out and it had me chuckling along the way. I hope you all enjoyed it too! <3 Mag

[Slightly edited to incorporated Big Mac's current relationship for the audio production]