Pinkie Gets Wet

by DontWannaKnow

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 2328

Confusion! Chaos! Quantum Mechanics!

Sequel to "A Fun Day". Pinkie Pie finds herself in a set of odd circumstances, but all she wants is to use her new catch phrase. Confusion, Chaos, Quantum improbabilities, puns, and an epic duel ensue.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-07-11 00:07:23 UTC

Non Sequitur

Pinkie Gets Wet

     “BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS!” Twilight Sparkle said ardently, leafing through her booking book. She was booked!

     “That is sooooo in character,” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

     “Fooooolk wisdom!” Apple Jack agreed.

     Fluttershy imploded gently.

     “Talk about a non-sequitur!” Pinkie Pie laughed as Fluttershy struggled to stop being a tear in the fabric of spacetime.

     “Pardon me girls, but am I the only one who’s confused?” Rarity asked.

     “Talk about a non-seq…”

     “Pinkie shut up! You’ll make someone else implode!” Rainbow Dash cut her friend off.

     “But…that happened after…"

     “It doesn’t matter Pinkie, time is an illusion!” Twilight booked in frustration. “I mean, gerunding like that is totally unacceptable!”

     “My goodness Twilight dear, you…you gerunded the word gerund!” Rarity was horrified.

     “And you verbed it!” Booklight countered, “we’re even!”

     “Talk about a…”

     “SHUT UP PINKIE!” Rainbow snapped.

     “But it’s my new catch-phrase!”

     An incredibly handsome alicorn who was good at everything walked into the library. “Oh snap,” Pinkie exclaimed, “an OC!”

     Rainbow Dash produced a colt 45 and shot him in the head.

     “What the book just happened?!” Twibook ejaculated. “Who the buck was that?”

     “Somebody’s…”

     “TALK ABOUT A NON-SEQUITUR!!” Pinkie boogled. Fluttershy returned to her normal state, but before she could even squee she burst into flames.

     “Fluttershy stop being outrageous!” Rarity chastised her, but the pegasus was already running about the library screaming madly.

     “Seriously Bookershy, book a book,” Booklight booked.

     “She’s such a drama queen!” Rarity deadpanned.

     “Southern hospitality!” Apple Jack agreed.

     Fluttershy exploded like a giant cherry bomb, spattering the library walls with blood.

     “What a loud-mouth!” Dash scoffed. Suddenly a jet-stream of red ichor blasted out of her own left eye socket, disloging the glossy lavender orb it held. “Curses!” she cried, “mine dream of the Wonderbolts is rainbow-dashed! They shalt never accept a Pegasus with but one wing and one eye!”

     “But Dashie, your wing is…” Pinkie Pie stopped in mid-sentence as her doppelganger burst into existence, produced a cleaver and hacked off one of Rainbow’s wings.

     “HGRAAAAAAAAAAAA” Dash shrieked backwards and did a triple lutz.

     Pinkie’s straight-haired double looked at the petrified poufy pink party pony. “I’m more popular than you!” she declared.

     “Why would you do that?!” Pinkie cried, grabbing Rainbow Dash and trying to put pressure on her wound.

     Rainbow put a hoof to her own forehead grammatically, preparing for a semicoloned sentence. “It’s okay Pinks, I’ve already accepted I must embrace my backup career; I must become a figure-skater!” she lamented.

     “Talk about a non-seq…”

     “Shut up Pinkie Pie,” said Pinkamena, lighting a cigarette and eating it, “there can only be one of us! We must engage in mortal combat!”

     “The act or the game?”

     “Choose!”

     “Fluttershy, you know what to do!” Pinkie glared at Pinkamena, not breaking eye contact even when Fluttershy materialized holding a Super Nintendo.

     “Dayum!” Rainbow Dash backed dat ass up, “Shit just got real! Pinkie’s never stressin’ when she’s SNESin’.”

*Ready*

*FIGHT!*

     Pinkie and Pinkamena began a deluge of button mashing. Already the straight-haired pony was ahead.

     “I can’t believe you picked Johnny Cage, he’s so OP!” Pinkie bit off the tip of her tongue and spat it in her doppelganger’s face.

     “Ha, as if! And I like being covered in blood, so throw any body parts you want at me!” Pinkamena laughed maniacally. Pinkie Pie was losing like a mofo! She needed an edge! She needed an ace in the hole! She needed to do the thing she did best: distraction.

     “Fluttershy, hit it!” The Pegasus nodded solemnly, then began.

     “Boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka-boom-chicka-hah-da-boom-da-boom-hah-chicka…” Fluttershy dropped the beat like a sack of puppies. Pinkamena looked momentarily confused. Pinkie Pie saw her chance and took it. Sonya Blade’s fist smashed into Johnny Cage’s chin. That little guy who says “toasty!” popped out and said that shit harder than he’d ever said it before. So began the rap of victory.

     “Ay. Yo. Pinkamena…you mad bro?” Pinkie grinned ear to ear as her counterpart desperately tried to recover.

“Pinkamena why you stressin’?

Cuz I’m teachin’ you a lesson?

Cuz I’m master of the SNES n’

Your ass sucks it’s so depressin’?

Cuz I’m kickin’ uppercuttin’

You just mashin’ every button

For punishment you’re a glutton

tenderized like you was mutton

Pinkie Pie know what it do

Though I can’t say the same for you

Gonna nail ya like a screw

Gonna fail ya then you’re through

Bitch you think you tight because you slashied up a dashie?

Ho we murder foals for fun n’ bake ‘em up until they ashy

You think cupcakes fulla swag so now you actin’ like you flashy?

We did shit to Scootaloo that makes your masterpiece look trashy!

We beat ‘er and we cut ‘er

Fed her shit like it was butter

Cut off all her legs n’ gut ‘er

Then we fed her ass to Flutter

Fool Pinkie P. be part of canon

Cupcakes? That shit’s just fanon

So why dontcha get to mannin’

up and accept this bannin’

See I party every day

I rock with Andrew Dubya K

And believe me when I say

That shit’s okay dokay lokay!

So yo Pinkamena now’s the time you have to face reality

Superior skills I do possess it ain’t no commonality

I kicked your ass so fuckin’ fast it’s just straight up brutality

So I’ma chill and that’s my flow…oh by the way…”

*FATALITY!*

     The victorious Pie stood proudly, controller in hoof, sweat pouring down her face, blood trickling out of her mouth. She picked up a bottle and smashed it on her head, licking up the beer as it trickled down her face. Pinkie was wet. “Talk about a non-sequitur!” Fluttershy sublimated into a yellow vapor.

     To her surprise, Pinkamena just laughed. “You foal! You think you’re the only one with skills? I challenge you to a second round! And this time, I rhyme.”

     “Challenge accepted,” Pinkie’s eyes narrowed.

     Pinkamena lit another cigarette, took a drag this time, then ate it.

     “Hey can I rap too?” Twilight booked. “READ A BOOK! READ A BOOK! READ A MOTHAFUCKIN’BO…”

     “Shut up Twilight,” Pinkie shut her ass down. “Aight Pinkamena, let’s do this!”

Pinkamena's Revenge

Pinkamena's Revenge

     Pinkamena Diane Pie cleared her throat, a wry smile on her face.

     "Ha" Pinkie Pie grinned, "nobody here's gonna beat box for you byatch!"

     "As if I need it," the straight haired one scoffed. She clapped her hooves and a drum kit exploded into existence in the middle of the library. She lit a cigarette and sat down, and picked up the sticks. Pinkamena proceeded to drop the fattest beat any of the ponies had ever heard. Fluttershy reappeared as newborn foal and began aging rapidly, went through one of those "phases", then had a midlife crisis but died before she could go out and buy anything ridiculous.

      "Alright Pinkie," she sped up her drum beat in preparation, "prepare to get your face melted."

"So Pinkie wanna thinkie she some kinda superstar

But Pinkamena's got the science here to tell you what you are

Don't try to run don't try to hide bitch cuz you won't get very far

My rhymes are sharper than my cleaver and doper than black tar

See Pink you operate upon a massive misconception

You may have been here first but shit kicked off with my inception

Cupcakes rocked the world when they saw my predilection

for violence blood and gore and the sweet art of dissection

See it's the fans that matter fool and among them I'm a rave

I can stave the grave shit you throw at me because I'm the real fave

I paved the way to the dark cave from which came the grimdark wave

So now it's time to whip your ass like you were my little slave

Compared to me your stupid parties are nothing but frivolity

I've got substance, style, eloquence; It's not quantity it's quality

And your type's a dime a dozen cousin that's just the reality

So back it up and shut it down you can't say shit at all to me

First off that poufy hair is the definition of ridiculous

My mane's the main attraction don't deny that I look sick with this

Your cooking's not even worth my time so I'ma be quick with this

Your cupcakes suck mine are sick as fuck, so well known that they're ubiquitous

Second thing your rhymes are weak as hell I didn't even flinch

I can drop loquacious flows even when I'm in a pinch

I'm so evil on the beat I'll ruin your christmas like the grinch

I own the flow, you little ho, for PDP this shit's a cinch

For third it just occurred to me your attitude's obnoxious

'Party party all the time' man thats absolutely noxious

I revoke your party license so your ass better be cautious

You're so fucking over-hyped it makes me positively nauseous

So Pinky P.

you should give me

this one for free

cuz I'm beatin' you, you cretin, that's how it's always gonna be

like Bruce Lee

I smack you down then collect my fee

crush you like a falling tree

that you didn't see G

ignoring any plea

to stop boiling you like tea

So Pinkie Pie its time to die I'm shutting down your party

You're Like Twi: too late, your sad ass is already fuckin' tardy

You're a punk, a goof, a jest, a fool, a joke, a Laurel and fuckin' Hardy

Gonna chop you up and bake you into cupcakes oh so hearty

Any fame, acclaim, big name you got is not in the least deserved

My popularity keeps growing like an exponential curve

I got more swag, I got more fans, I got a tighter swerve

Gonna make a Pinkie Pie of you, with ice cream you'll be served.

     Pinkamena's drums reverberated throughout the room, the sound of the last crash slowly fading away as Pinkie Pie lay floored on the floor. Pinkamena hadn't even booken a sweat. Pinkie was shivering, every pore on her skin leaking. She'd been slammed. She'd been served. She was wet. In a bad way.

Pinkified!

Pinkified!

     “How could I lose,” Pinkie Pie mumbled to herself as she lay on the ground in an almost catatonic state. She'd been served so hard she was dying. “It doesn’t make sense…”

     Doesn’t make sense?

     Doesn’t make sense…

     “It doesn’t have to make any sense at all!” the pink pony shouted in sudden joy, springing up from her prone position with new vigor.

     “What are you talking about?” Pinkamena asked suspiciously.

     “Fluttershy!” Pinkie called. Suddenly she felt nauseous and vomited up a yellow whiffle ball bat which lackadaisically grew to become the yellow pegasus.

     Fluttershy blinked a few times before she realized that she existed again and what she was supposed to do. Then she began boxing an even fatter beat than before.

     “What is this nonsense?!” Pinkamena demanded.

“Exactly,” Pinkie laughed.

“Shut the fuck up cuz I got a rubber chicken

Double barrel buckshot in a fat spastic innertube

I do my taxes with paint and my artwork with Quicken

I’ma fuck this track’s ass so I hope you have lube

Making sense is for pussies and I ain’t no puddy-tat

I shaved my face with some cocaine mace in the dark

I got a mouth like a cannon so I don’t need a gat

You better watch your shit cuz your bite ain’t your bark

Crunk hobgoblins in a laconic dream firestorm

Cut off my left leg with a funky jigsaw puzzle

Bon-bon’d on your face with a human-ass Lyra-form

Callin’ on my crookshank to punch you in the muzzle

I got tattooed in a drive-by with a shifty space needle

I left my balls in a taxicab and now it’s drivin’ me nuts

Weedle weedle weedle TV show reference weedle weedle

You’ll never find my jive cuz it’s chillin in the cuts

I get wet every morning cuz I got a busted waterbed

Banhammer crackin’ with a goat cheese clown car

I’ma kick your Harry ass cuz you nothin’ but a Potterhead

I shoot up black, white, red, and sometimes even brown tar

Beans on toast cuz I’m down with the British food

I’m the real pink you ain’t nothing but magenta fool

What’s with the wide eyes you look a little skittish dude

I’ve got a hotel coupon so I’ma go rent a pool

Mumble fumble rumble stumble at a cash-cow toll booth

Gimme back my stiff drink with a double Limp Bizkit

Pinkie P. bust up your chops and I’m pullin’ out a troll tooth

I got nothing left to lose so I might as well risk it

I don’t believe in ghosts cuz most of them are me

Slap the money in the bucket with a dope tire iron

You’re way too Fluttershy so you might as well squee

My lyrics are insane like poetry by Lord Byron

Forcing cotton candy all the way inside your nose

I see your ‘Cupcakes’ and I raise you ‘A Fun Day’

You better beat it Pinkamena cuz you’re creepin out my bros

There’s no more mayonnaise so here’s a bad segue

Pinkamena you’re a liverwurst I don’t need to qualify it

Pinkamena can’t rap she got nothin’ so the heck wit ‘er

You got boogled on my crazy I take your ass and nullify it

I don’t have to make sense bitch talk about a non-sequitur!

     Pinkamena Diane Pie’s head exploded violently, covering her counterpart in a fresh coating of blood. Her body hit the floor like a sack of wombats.

Pinkie was wet.

Fin.