It was another beautiful summer day in Equestria. Celestia’s sun glowed in the clear blue sky. Filly’s and colts ran about the land, playing their games. Everything was great. Especially for Celestia, one of the two ruling princesses of the land. Inside her glorious castle, the Alicorn of the day sat upon her chair in the dining hall, waiting for her servants to bring her breakfast.
Today, Celestia was in a particularly good mood. And why wouldn’t she be? For today was the first day of Celestia’s new life as a mother. Yesterday, fate brought to her a child of her very own! But this wasn’t just any filly or colt. This was a Human! A race that had long thought been extinct in Equestria.
Celestia remembered how it happened yesterday, as if it were yesterday. She was with her student Twilight, who was visiting from her new home in Ponyville. The unicorn was showing her mentor a new spell that she had been developing.
The young mare prepared to show the princess her new spell. It doesn’t really matter what the spell was supposed to do, because it actually went wrong, and was forgotten after the…uh the thing. That happened…yeah that.
As Twilight charged her horn, the magic gathered. Twilight lit her spell, and Celestia watched with pride as her student performed the first spell that she had ever invented. But something went wrong… the energy started rushing out of her, without her control. The glow of her horn intensified, until a blinding light was produced, which was so blinding, and blindingly bright that it blinded the ponies, until they were blind…temporarily.
When the light subsided, the two ponies rubbed their eyes, trying to get rid of the dark spots in their vision. When they were finally able to see clearly…. he was there. Her little angel, her prince. He was lost and alone in a brand new world. Celestia had decided right then and there, with no consideration of the long-term ramifications, that she would adopt him, and give him a home in her country, and her palace.
And that…that’s the story.
As Celestia sat on her chair, a servant rolled in a cart containing her and her new son’s breakfast. For her she had pancakes, with a boysenberry reduction (I have no idea what that is) and for her son, a simple Sombra salad. Why had she ordered him a salad for breakfast? Because fuck you that are why, what do you have something against salad? I eat salad, and it’s how I stay the gorgeous hunk that I am! You have a problem, you want to go? I can bench 270lbs and I can curl 80s in each arm, come at me bro, I’ll wreck your shit!
As Celestia started to dig into her meal, she noticed that her new son was not present.
“Hmm…I wonder where Daniel is?” she questioned to herself. As if on cue, the door to the room opened up, and in walked Prince Daniel Solaris.
He was big for his age, six feet tall in fact. And it was strange, most kids didn’t have neck beards, but he did. The young(ish) boy walked lazily into the room, wearing his boxers, and an Akame Ga Kill T-shirt. Celestia had learned that the shirt that her new son wore was from something called “Anime” which as her son had told her was in fact, extremely popular among the cool and prestigious peoples of his home world. And the fedora he wore was in fact, something that was only worn by the most intelligent of peoples, or so Celestia had been told. Also, Daniel is fat, just thought I’d let you know.
“Good morning Daniel,” greeted Celestia with a warm smile.
“Morning mom,” grumbled the human as he made his way to the table, while dragging his arms. “What’s for breakfast?” he questioned.
“I ordered you a nice salad, sweetie,” replied the princess.
“What! Why do I have to have a salad, and you get pancakes! You’re literally Hitler!”
Celestia had no idea what a ‘Hitler’ was, but she assumed it was a good thing, and that he was just being ironic.
“Oh, now don’t be like that my precious angel. It’s yummy!”
“Fine,” grumbled the human, as he sat down at the table. He looked down at the salad for a moment, before taking on a disgusted face. He reached down and plucked a piece of the green lettuce, and after inspecting the salad, let it fall back onto the bowl.
“Where’s the fried chicken?”
“Oh, we don’t eat meat in Equestria, sweetie.”
“WHAT!” screamed Daniel in outrage, as he got to his feet and slammed his hands on the table.
“I cannot even tolerate salad unless it has cut up pieces of fried chicken in it, and smothered in ranch dressing!”
“Honey, use your indoor voice,” chided Celestia graciously. “I’m not sure what ranch dressing is, and we don’t eat chicken, so you’re going to have to make do.”
“I don’t want it!” grumbled Daniel, as he turned and crossed his arms, pouting like a spoiled child.
“Daniel, eat your vegetables,” asserted Celestia.
“NO! I want bacon!”
“You don’t get bacon, you need to eat your salad,” said Celestia, with a sterner tone.
“NO!” cried Daniel. Getting disgruntled, Celestia got up from her chair, and made her way towards her precious little angel.
“Daniel, the cooks worked very hard to make this for you, now be a good boy and eat it.”
“NO!”
“Eat the salad Daniel.”
“Make me!”
“Alright,” Celestia grabbed onto her precious gift from above, and wrestled control of him, while levitating the salad to just above his head.
“Eat it!” yelled Celestia.
“NO! Let me go!” cried the human, flailing his chubby appendages like a dead walrus. Celestia continued to wrestle with the little darling, eventually leading the two to be tangled up on the floor.
“Eat the salad, my loving son!”
“No, fuck you, you’re not my REAL mom!” cried Daniel, trying but failing to get out of his adoptive mothers grasp.
“What did you say, what did you say?” yelled, sounding like a guy for some reason.
“Let go of me!” cried the innocent child.
“I think you need to have your mouth washed out with soap!” yelled Celestia, as she rose, and began physically dragging Daniel towards the door.
“NO! NO!”
Celestia dropped the salad, and used her magic to open the door, while dragging her child towards said door.
“NO, LET GO OF ME, NO NO NOOOOOOOO!” screamed the human, reaching a pitch usually reserved for five-year-old girls. But Celestia continued to drag his body, out of the room, and down the halls, towards the nearest bathroom.
After literally dragging her son, like a sack of dead babies last week when I was drunk, Celestia eventually got her boy into the nearest bathroom. Why didn’t she use magic to teleport themselves there? Well, why didn’t YOU use magic, huh?
Anyway, Celestia finally got her son into the bathroom, with him kicking and screaming like my cousin’s four year old, before I smacked him upside the head. Oh, sorry, I mean, BECAUSE I smacked him upside the head.
Anyway (again) Celestia levitated a bar of soap into the air, and lowered it to just above her son’s head.
“Open your mouth Daniel!”
“NO, you can’t make me!”
“Daniel!”
“NO, go to hell!”
“That’s it!” said Celestia through grit teeth. She used her hoof to clamp down the human bundle of love’s nose. After two seconds of not breathing, Daniel opened his lips, and breathed through grit teeth.
Taking that as the best she was going to get, Celestia shoved the soap into her son’s teeth, mashing it in there, until it eventually slipped into his mouth, and down his throat.
The human continued to struggle, and flailed around, as Celestia continued to shove the soap further into him. As he started coughing, or at least tried to, with his face going red, Celestia raised her head stoically. With a completely neutral face, she shed a single tear from her right eye.
“Being a mother is so magical,” she said. And she was right.
Author's Note
This bad idea is what I wrote, instead of working on a cartoon script, that I was going to do instead of working on the sequel to I am NOT a Pony.
Clearly, this isn't something I took seriously, and neither should you. It's something I thought would be funny.
Also, here's a funny picture I found
I wish he was still president...
