Everyone Should Have Their Own Theme Song
All across Ponyville, chaos reigned supreme. Pink clouds made of candy dispensed gallons upon gallons of sticky chocolate milk, all while buffalos in pink tutus danced up a storm. Giant playing card towers soared into the sky, as lightning bolts crashed down onto homes and ponies alike.
And at the very center of it all sat Discord—mightily perched on his elaborate throne with a fresh glass of chocolate milk between his claws.
“Chaos!” he announced gleefully. “What a wonderful, wonderful thing! And here’s to it never needing to end. Ever!”
“That’s where you’re wrong, Discord!”
Discord spat out his mouthful of milk to glare down at Celestia. He smirked. “Come to watch the destruction of everything you’ve created, Princess?”
Celestia shook her head. “No. I’ve come here to finish this. Once and for all.”
Leaning forward on his throne, Discord asked, “And, prey tell, how do you plan on accomplishing that? Your precious Elements of Harmony are done! Your guards are next to useless! Or will it be you that tries to stop me today? Fat chance, Princess!”
Now it was Celestia’s turn to smirk. “Actually, I have called in a favor; an old friend that specializes in dealing with bullies like you.”
That instantly perked Discord’s interest. He tapped on his chin with a paw. “Oh, what fun! Can’t wait to see that horrified expression on your face once I snap him into a fortune cookie and break him open just to read the paper inside. Spoiler alert! I still win!”
The whole town of Ponyville quieted as heavy footsteps approached. Patiently, Discord waited for Celestia’s beast to unveil itself. Some monstrosity from the bowels of Tartarus, no doubt. But what paced towards him was something altogether different.
It was a man. A great big Greek man with a mop of thick black hair overtop his bushy eyebrows.
Around his chest, he wore a white button-up shirt along with green pants; atop of all that was a blue apron sporting the name “klinko’s”. He looked like a man that had never smiled a single day in his life. And wasn’t planning on doing so anytime soon.
Discord snorted. “This? This? Really Celestia? I knew you were getting old, but I didn’t think you’d go senile so soon! A human? You think an ordinary human can possibly defeat me?”
“Not just any human, Discord,” Celestia warned. “This is Stelio Kontos. He works at klinko’s. They make copies of paper there.”
While the two of them spoke, the human known as Stelio Kontos removed his blue work apron, folded it, and handed it off to the closest pony around. Scootaloo really had no idea what to do with it once given to her, so she just held it tight to her chest.
Right next to Scootaloo, Stelio Kontos sat down a small cassette player.
“Fine! Blah! Gag!” Discord shouted atop his throne. “Hit me with your best shot, Celestia! Then go away and leave me alone! I’ve got more chaos to unleash upon this town.”
Celestia turned and gave Stelio Kontos a curt nod. That was when Stelio Kontos pressed play on his cassette player.
What came out of it sounded like a choir of angels; each one with a voice more beautiful than the last. Angels that sounded pissed and vengeful.
“STELIO!” the demon-angel choir screamed. “STELIO KONTOS!”
Over and over again they repeated his name; Stelio Kontos’ cassette player somehow amplified much louder than anyone would’ve guessed. All of Ponyville must’ve been hearing it.
“Hey!” Discord chirped. “That’s not fair! I didn’t know we could bring music to this fight! Here, give me a moment to think of something. What rhymes with Discord again? Short sword? Tom Ford?”
But before Discord could ponder up a third rhyming scheme, Stelio Kontos had made his first move, rushing toward the throne. In a blur of white and green, Stelio Kontos leapt into the air, steel toe boots leading the way up to Discord’s jaw.
“Wha—” was as far as Discord got, before he was kicked in the head with enough force to crack three teeth and propel him out the back of his own throne.
With a fat smack Discord landed in the dirt, bits of broken throne scattered around him.
Discord spat a wad of blood out. “Hey! I was still in the middle of my monologue, you jerk!”
“STELIO!” the angel choir uncaringly screamed in the background. “STELIO KONTOS!”
“That’s it! Enough of this repeating name guy!” With a twisted grin, Discord snapped his claws together. But that grin soon fell as he snapped his claws another six times. “I don’t get it. Why won’t my magic work on him?”
From the sidelines of the battle, Celestia casually explained, “You’re forgetting one of Equestria’s most ancient laws, Discord. Magic does not work on those will their own theme song. Ever wonder why musicians are so carefully monitored around here?”
Angrily, Discord balled his hands into fists. “Blargh! Stupid ancient laws! Fine! I’ll just have to beat this bad haircut boy with my own two fists!”
With renewed energy, Discord got back to his feet and swung a wide punch at Stelio Kontos’ head. Sadly, thousands of years of letting magic do most everything for him had made Discord lazy and slow, and Stelio Kontos dodged each attack with relative ease.
“STELIO! STELIO KONTOS!”
Stelio Kontos jumped up and grabbed hold of Discord’s horns, bringing his head down onto his rising knee. Once. Twice. Three times and he let him go. But not for very long.
While Discord lay stunned on the ground, Stelio Kontos grabbed hold of one of his legs and dragged him to the very bottom of one of his giant card towers. Once that was done, Stelio Kontos got a nearby pegasus to fly him high enough above the card tower to drop onto it.
Elbow first.
The three story card tower caved inward on Discord with a thunderous crash, and when the cards finally settled, he barely managed to claw his way out of it.
Watching events unfold in complete shock was Twilight Sparkle, standing right next to Celestia.
“Princess,” she asked, “why have I never heard of this ‘Stelio Kontos’ before? He was never mentioned in any history book I’ve ever read.”
Celestia only chuckled. “Wouldn’t be much of a secret weapon if I didn’t keep him secret, would he?”
“STELIO! STELIO KONTOS!”
Twilight and Celestia chatted for a bit, while the destruction of Discord continued unabated. By that point in time, Stelio Kontos had taken one of Discord’s impossibly large candy canes and snapped it in two. What happened next Celestia only heard, as she’d wisely covered both her eyes.
“What are doing with that? No. NO! That won’t possibly fit in there! AH!”
Several minutes later, Discord managed to crawl his twisted self all the way to Celestia’s hooves. He muttered out, “Turned to stone now… would be great…”
Celestia sighed. “If only someone hadn’t stolen all those darn Elements of Harmony from me. We could’ve turned you back to stone in a jiffy!”
Discord moaned. “Poo.”
“STELIO! STELIO KONTOS!”
Stelio Kontos roughly yanked Discord up by the tail and started swinging him around in wide circles. Discord’s flailing limbs and head struck all sorts of things: buildings, potted plants, fruit stands, any ponies’ hooves nearby that just felt like hitting him.
The spin ended when Stelio Kontos abruptly shot Discord into the air and out of sight; Discord must’ve gone right through the clouds, he traveled so far.
“Is… is that it?” Twilight asked cautiously.
Celestia shook her head. “Not if I know Stelio Kontos as well as I know Stelio Kontos.”
It seemed that Celestia had been right, as Discord reappeared in the sky, traveling towards the ground at an alarming rate.
“He’s so far away!” Twilight chirped. “He’s picking up so much speed!”
Stelio Kontos, meanwhile, centered himself in the road and raised a single fist into the air. With his unused hand, he pulled out a newspaper from his pocket to help pass the time. He read “The Family Circus”. It did not make him laugh or smile.
“STELIO! STELIO KONTOS!”
Close to a minute later, Discord’s head collided with Stelio Kontos’ upraised hand, creating a dust cloud so wide that it spread to the very edges of town.
Finally, splayed out on the road as thin as a well-worn rug, Discord whimpered out, “Tartarus… please.”
And so he went.
Stelio Kontos gathered up his work apron and cassette player, giving Scootaloo’s head a quick pat as he did. He started down the road as Celestia ran up to him.
“Stelio Kontos, wait!” she cried.
Stelio Kontos turned.
“I thought that… maybe…” Celestia started hesitantly, “you’d want an award of some kind… for all your hard work today.” She gave her ample butt a shake and her tail a small flick.
Stelio Kontos put his work apron back on. “I am late for work.”
Celestia held out a hoof. “But… but there’s nobody else like you here!”
That last part did little to sway Stelio Kontos.
He left right after that. And Queen Chrysalis, Tirek, Sunset Shimmer, Starlight Glimmer, and every other would-be villain in the land soon rethought their nefarious ways. Because they knew that if they didn’t…
“STELIO! STELIO KONTOS!”
Author's Note
Another story commissioned by ChappedPenguinLips.
