Princess Cadance Goes on a Shipping Spree

by Dandereshy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Romance
Length: 4879

Princess Cadance is tired of being the Princess of Love, so she proceeds to greatly and comically abuse her power.

Being the Princess of Love has grown tiresome for Princess Cadance. She used to enjoy helping bring two ponies together, but lately, ponies have just expected her to help. She feels used and abused - her job seems more of a burden than talent.

After a final unwarranted incident (and one too many drinks), Cadance decides to ship at will... Her will, that is.

Audio reading by Agent Fluffy!

Edited and proofread by Deshlune

Featured 4/17-19/17

Published 2017-04-17 00:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-17 00:50:01 UTC

Expedited Shipping

         The best way to start the morning was with a cup of freshly brewed coffee or tea, a raisin and cinnamon bagel layered in smooth cream cheese, or a stack of hot blueberry pancakes topped with a little too much maple syrup; all whilst hanging out around the house, either in bed, by the window in the living room, gazing out at the early morning sun, or by the fireplace, getting warmed up for the day.

         The worst way was how Princess Mi Amore Cadenza was spending hers.

         "But Princess, you have all the knowledge of love and attraction. You can help me get her to love me!" the stallion begged, on his knees before the pink Alicorn Princess. He came by just after dawn, enlisting the help of the Princess of Love because that was her job--mostly. Sometimes ponies just didn't understand that she couldn't make two ponies fall in love... she could only help them fall in love.

         But this stallion just didn't take the hint, no matter how many times she dropped it. She sat in a blue plush recliner, and stared down at the weeping Earth pony before her. "Please, I already told you: I can help you earn her love. I cannot force two ponies to be in love. It's unethical. And unrealistic." She sipped her tea and sighed when the pony started bawling.

         The pale and aqua blue stallion clutched the shag carpet beneath him, and vented his frustrations. "But she almost loves me! Can't you just bring her along the rest of the way? Is that really too much to ask?" He buried his face in his hooves and sniffled.

         Cadance rolled her eyes. "But I've been telling you I can. Just not in the way you've been asking. I can, and will certainly help you to set up the perfect date so you can win her heart. But I can't make her love you," she finished, relishing in the bit of adamance in her voice. Being a princess helped here, as her word carried more weight.

         "Fine!" the stallion shouted, jumping up and pointing an angry hoof at the surprised Alicorn. "If you're not going to help me, then I'll do it myself!" He spun around, and stormed out of the castle, the echo of his hooves clopping on the stone floor emanating through the Great Hall.

         "But I just said I--"

         The doors to the entrance of the enormous castle slammed shut, cutting her off.

         She sighed heavily, "Not again..."

         Later, while at lunch with her husband Shining Armor, Cadance discussed the events that morning, along with her personal thoughts on the matter. Shining Armor devoured his meal while he listened to his wife's complaints.

         "And it's like they don't even listen to me! I repeat myself many times, and they continue to demand the impossible! It's so frustrating!" Cadance took a deep breath, and a drink of her tea, slamming it down on the table, startling her hubby. "I almost don't want to help the next pony in line."

         He finished chewing a massive amount of hay fries and swallowed them hard. "Well, Sweetie, perhaps you can make that apparent as you meet with the client, rather than waiting until they demand the unreasonable," he shrugged. "Anyways, I had no idea it was impossible for you. I thought you had the ability to cast a spell that forces ponies to fall in love?"

         She gave him a dirty look. "Of course I can do that, but it's not right to force two ponies to be together. Especially if only one party involved feels any true love for the other." She folded her forelegs on the decorated wooden table and plopped her face into them. "I have no idea what I can do. I don't want to be rude to them. But they don't listen."

         Shining Armor placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. "There there, Hon. We'll figure this out. For now, try taking a break from that job, okay? You don't need the stress."

         She sat back up, taking his hoof in hers. "Thanks, but I couldn't possibly abandon ponies in need. They rely on me to help them, and that's what I must do." She let go and signaled for a waitress to come by. "Can I get a refill please? Chamomile tea. Thank you," she requested of the mare, who nodded and headed off to retrieve the tea pitcher and fulfill the Princesses wish.

         "I really think you should at least take a little break from it. I can tell it's running you ragged. I'm concerned about you," Shining went on, watching her expression carefully. He spoke a bit louder to overcome all the idle conversations going around them in the crowded restaurant. He pushed his plate aside, nabbing a final fry before the waitress came back to remove the plate.

         Cadance sighed once again. "I wish I could, but that's like asking me to give up being a princess for even a day. I couldn't possibly do any such thing. But I may take up your advice, and from now on, I'll inform the client of my abilities and inabilities beforehand, so as to not end up in the same situa--"

         A frantic voice coming from behind the Princess cut her off. "Princess! Your Highness! I require your help at once!" The stallion rushed up to the table, glancing back and forth between the rulers of the Crystal Empire. "Oh, terribly sorry to interrupt a date, but it's a matter of great importance!" the Unicorn insisted, pushing his glasses back from the edge of his muzzle.

         Cadance gave her husband a knowing glance and turned her attention to the needy stallion. "What seems to be the problem?"

         The pony gasped for breath for a moment before answering. "My friend--I love her dearly, but I'm unsure if she feels the same! Is there any way you could help me?" he pleaded, clasping his forehooves together. A bead of sweat on his brow dripped down his face, onto the floor.

         Cadance patted his foreleg in understanding. "Of course I'll help you. What is it you need, exactly? How can I aid you?" she inquired of the cream-colored Unicorn.

         "You must make her love me!"

         Cadance slowly turned her head to her husband, a deadpan look glued to her face. He returned a nervous grin. The Princess turned back to the stallion, and answered him honestly and gravely. "I'm very sorry, but I cannot make her love you. She must love you on her own accord. However, I'd be glad to offer you assistance in--"

         The stallion waved her off dismissively. "Forget it! I knew you'd say that! Why can't you just help us the way we want to be helped?" He huffed and turned away, leaving the restaurant just as the waitress came with the tea pitcher.

         Cadance's eye twitched.

         "Now, hon, don't be too upset. I know he was rude, but he was also probably very worried about this mare. He seemed emotional. Just give him a break," Shining rationalized calmly, worried about his own mare now. But Cadance didn't seem to hear him. She sat straight up in her chair, staring at the spot the stallion just stood.

         Just as the waitress tipped the pitcher to fill her glass, the princess grabbed her foreleg, making the poor waitress freeze. "Did... did I do something wrong, ma'am? I'll make it right if I have..." Her voice trailed off, trembling a bit, thinking she'd upset the Princess.

         Cadance shook her head almost unnoticeably. "No. No, my dear. I've changed my mind on what I want to drink. Go bring me your finest whiskey instead, please."

         Shining interjected. "Oh, come on now, please don't..."

         But the waitress had already gone, eager to complete the task the princess had given her. Meanwhile, Cadance sat unmoving, appearing deep in thought. And, she indeed was, as she soon spoke up, revealing what was on her mind. "I'm sorry, Dear, but this has got to stop. I didn't deserve that, regardless of emotion, regardless of reason. I was ready to help him, wholly and whole-heartedly. But once again, I'm asked of something out of my repertoire. Although, technically, I can do it, but I refuse to!" she said with a raised voice, almost a shout, catching the attention of nearby tables.

         Shining gave them an embarrassed smile and tried to calm his wife down. "Relax. He's gone anyways. This is just more proof that you need a break. Please, take one for me. How about you take just today off?"

         The waitress came back with a large bottle and poured it gingerly into the Princesses' glass. No sooner than when she topped it off did Cadance snatch it up, gulping it down and whimpering. "Always gets me, every time." She shook her head to get rid of the feeling of liquid fire sloshing down her throat. Then she took the bottle from the surprised waitress, and shooed her away with a "thank you."

         "Cadance, Sweetie, you have to let this go. A nice long nap will get it off your mind. Please don't go into a drinking rage again," he asked solemnly, giving her his best puppy dog eyes, his only weapon against angry wifey.  Unfortunately for him, wifey was far too gone at this point.

         Cadance topped off her glass and gulped it down. "You know, he had a great point, Honey. Why can't I ever do what they want? I mean, they always ask if I can make them fall in love... So I think I should!" She gave a disturbing chuckle, and poured herself a third glass, much to Shining's chagrin.

         "Alright give me that," he commanded, lunging and taking the bottle from the distressed mare. Cadance shrugged and downed her third and final glass, wiping her mouth with the back of her foreleg. Shining set the bottle in his lap and glanced apprehensively at the troubled mare sitting across from him. "Are you aware that you've had quite a bit to drink? This isn't going to end well," he stated, cocking his head to the side.

         Cadance stood up, setting her now empty glass on the table. "I have the mind to do just what they want, Dear. And as a matter of fact, I think I will," she contemplated aloud, slamming a hoof on the table, which jarred all of the glasses, plates, and silverware it contained on its surface. The resulting noise drew the attention of nearly the whole restaurant. Cadance didn't care. "I have some work to do. I'll see you later, Hon." She spun away and hurried out of the diner before Shining could even voice a protest.

         He sighed and gazed down at the bottle in is lap. "Better not waste this," he said, pouring himself a hefty glassful.

        The now deranged princess stalked the streets of the Crystal Empire, coughing, mumbling, stumbling, and laying eyes on every pony that crossed her path. They wanted love? They'd be getting it. A whole lot of love.

         It didn't take her long to find a lonesome stallion wallowing in self pity. It wasn't until Cadance trotted merrily up behind him that she realized it was the same pony from this morning. Leaning over his shoulder and shushing him with kind, gentle words, Cadance tried to calm his weary soul. He immediately sat up and turned to face her, looking astonished. "What are you doing here, Princess? I told you your help wasn't necessary," he said between sniffles. His eyes were red-rimmed and watery.

         Cadance smiled lightly. "Well, I'm here to give you what you wanted. And that was...?"

         He looked confused now, drawing back from her a little, as if she had some sort of infectious disease. "Um... I wanted a mare to fall in love with me, but it's okay now. I understand that some things are impossible. I've accepted my fate--"

         "Nonsense!" Cadance cut him off cheerily, wiping a falling tear from under his eye. "Where is this mare you desire so badly?" Her disturbing grin was making the stallion feel uneasy, but he replied to her request anyways.

         He gulped and pointed warily into the small thatched-roof cottage behind him. "She... lives there..."

         Cadance blinked, still grinning. "Well? Bring her out! We'll talk."

         "Whatever you say..." He scrambled away into the cottage, returning moments later with a pretty mare, whose mane is equal parts pink and blue, with a coat of beige. She trotted up to the Princess with the stallion and eyed her oddly.

         "So, are you supposed to be helping us with something? That's what Crystal Arrow says," she asked, glancing over at him and back at the giddy Alicorn.

         Cadance nodded, "I certainly am here to help. I'm here to bring love!" She shifted her weight to her hind legs and powered up her horn, casting a strange blue and red spell on the defenseless mare, who had not the slightest clue what was happening. The spell wisped away, finally done. The mare turned to the stallion, her eyes wide. He returned the look, but only until he's leapt upon by the now deeply infatuated mare as she sloppily makes out with him, rolling around on the cobblestone path.

         The Princess giggled. "One of many to come!" she shouted with glee before spreading her wings and blitzing off, searching for more "prey."

         By the time late afternoon rolled around, Cadance had grown bored of shipping in the Crystal Empire. Also, the fact that she was helping rather than showing them what's what didn't really satisfy her. She was tired of disrespect. It was time to ship ponies!

         Canterlot was next in her crosshairs. She flew haphazardly all the way there, tired, but about to have plenty of fun to make it all worth it. And she saw just where to start.

         Gliding down and landing noisily behind two ponies sitting together at a table outside a small café, she made her way over, interrupting their conversation as politely as possible.

         "Hello, I'm here to help!" she exclaimed happily, placing a foreleg around each of their shoulders.

         The two ponies gazed at each other, utterly confused. The mare of the two spoke up. "That's... uh, great, but... we don't need help," she told the Princess clinging to her neck. Although they seemed a bit afraid, Cadance didn't back off, even a little. After all, ponies didn't seem to care when she felt disrespected, so why should she back off when they're feeling anything?

         The Pink Princess laughed to herself, causing the ponies she grasped around the neck to exchange worried glances. "I think you still require my assistance! Here, let me provide it, free of charge." She stepped back and chose the male, casting the very same spell from before. "Now you two will be so deeply in love! Won't it be great?"

         "But wait! He's my--" the Mare's response was cut short by an amorous stallion jumping her.

         Cadance watched, quite pleased with her work. "You two are going to be so great together. I can just see it now," she said and took off down the street to find more ponies "in need."

         It didn't take her long to find dozens of ponies up and down each street she came up; walking, shopping, and talking amongst themselves as they wandered around the Royal City. It was the perfect opportunity for the Princess to offer her unwanted assistance. She started by looking for a mare and a stallion, either alone completely or isolated even a little from the ponies around them.

         And the first "couple" she stumbled upon in her search was actually quite familiar...

         "Alright, let us continue our shopping for the materials we need," Doctor Whooves exclaimed diligently to his accomplice Ditzy, who simply grinned goofily back at the Stallion leading the way.

         Cadance cheered silently to herself. "This'll be great!" She shook off the excitement brewing deep within her soul and hurried towards the two ponies with a plan in mind.

         As she approached them, the grey and yellow Pegasus noticed the Princess and tugged on the foreleg of her friend, catching his attention. He glanced curiously at the Alicorn as she made her way through a small crowd standing at the corner of the street and galloped the rest of the way to them, giving them both a bright, innocent smile that radiated with up-to-no-good.

         The Doctor raised an eyebrow at her, sensing trouble of the Pink Princess variety. "Uh, hello, dear Princess. How may we serve you this wonderful day?"

         Princess Cadance blinked and threw her head back to laugh, prompting Ditzy and the Doctor to glance warily at each other and back at the pony before them. Cadance stopped laughing and beamed at the ponies. "It's not what you can do for me, but, rather, what I can do for you!" Without a second thought, she lit up her horn and fired up the spell she needed, casting it quickly onto the startled mare, who tried to get away, but was caught up in the light surrounding her in a bubble. It soon withered away, leaving the slack-jawed Pegasus standing there in confusion.

         "Enjoy! Glad to help!" Princess Cadance shouted with glee and turned, taking to the sky with a giggle.

         Doctor Whooves turned and faced Ditzy, concerned for her. "What did she do to you? Are you well?"

         Ditzy had no reply, but she did tackle him, planting her lips all over his face in a flurry of kisses.

         Meanwhile, Cadance landed near another pair of ponies walking along a park trail near the castle. She slithered up behind them, not even giving them a warning, and forced the spell upon them. The only problem here was the pair of ponies were Fancy Pants and Filthy Rich talking up a business deal. It was about to go sour.

         Cadance cackled deviously and ran off, leaving the two stallions precariously in love, rolling around in the bushes. A mother with her filly had to flee the area soon after.

         The next victim of Cadance's love abuse was at the entrance of a local café.

         Spike and Twilight Sparkle were just leaving after a lovely meal together. They'd come to Canterlot to visit Princess Celestia about a future mission of sorts. She and Spike were about to catch the train back home when they noticed Cadance soaring down from the wild blue yonder.

         Twilight stopped her dragon assistant, and gawked up at the princess as she came in, landing in front of her and smiling brightly, as if she'd been being innocent all afternoon.

         "Uh, Princess Cadance?" Spike murmured, glancing at Twilight and back at the creepy-happy princess.

         Twilight cocked her head to the side. "Cadance, are you alright? You seem a bit... off," she asked, expressing concern for her sister in law. Normally, there was no reason to be concerned of her fellow princess, but today, she had this strange vibe to her. It was unsettling.

          For Cadance, this was a great opportunity to step up her game. Twilight had no clue about the earlier events, so this would be all too easy. "I'm alright. In fact, I'm more than alright. I'm absolutely perfect! I'm having a wonderful day so far. So many ponies falling in love. It warms my heart." She grinned and winked at the purple Unicorn staring back at her.

         "What do you mean? You've been helping ponies today?" Twilight took a moment to scan the area, anxiety setting in. This was because the other day, she and Cadance had been spending some quality time together at a local spa there in Canterlot, and Cadance had confided in her sister-in-law that she was having troubles with her talent, and that she'd likely be taking a break if the trend continued. The fact that she'd been "helping" today was cause for alarm.

         "Of course I've been helping. Why wouldn't I? Allow me to extend to you my help here, as well!" Before Twilight could react, she cast the spell.

         During the spell, Twilight tried to flee, taking Spike up onto her back and spinning away, but the spell fizzled away and set in quickly, causing her to stop dead in her tracks.

         Without a word, Spike wasted no time delving his forked tongue down Twilight's throat, the two of them hitting the ground hard, continuing their steamy, not-for-younger-audiences loving of each other.

         Cadance leapt up and down around them, insanely excited of her work. She spread her wings and blazed down the street, just above the heads of confused and terrified ponies who'd witnessed her evil yet satisfying abuse of power. Her target came into view just as she cleared the rooftops: Canterlot Castle.

         Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and the infamous Draconequus appropriately known as "Discord" were holding a hushed conversation when Princess Cadance interrupted them suddenly, the creepy grin still glued to her face as her eyes darted back and forth between the beings looking back at her.

         "Princess Cadance, what a pleasant surprise. I had no idea you'd be joining our conversation here," Princess Celestia spoke up, bowing her head and inciting the same from the other two in her company.

         Cadance returned a bow briefly before gazing up at the two mares and the comical Draconequus. "Actually, I came for a different purpose." She kept her reply vague, as she wanted to fuel their curiosity. The suspense felt great.

         Celestia cocked her head. "Oh? What for then, my fellow princess? Have you come to bring us news?" She shifted in her seat on her throne, her sister to her right, and Discord floating off to left, looking bored.

         He wouldn't be for long. "I came to do my job to the best of my ability!" And with that, she spit the love spell upon them, catching them off guard. The spell did its business and faded, leaving three very confused faces peering down at the princess who cast it. "Enjoy!" Cadance chirped, prancing off and out of the castle.

         Discord shook his head and turned to Celestia. "Have I ever told you that I find your ass delectable?"

         Celestia frowned. "I don't have a donkey, and frankly your term for one is quite offensive."

         Luna cleared her throat purposefully. "Sister, I believe he was referring to your hindquarters, if I'm not mistaken."

         "Ah. Very well then. Discord, have at it."

         Cadance made her way around the town, shipping randomly. Amongst her out-of-line ships were as follows: Twilight Velvet and Moon Dancer; Joe and a doughnut; Zesty Gourmand and Coriander Cumin; Lemon Hearts and a bench; and Hoity Toity with himself (and a hotdog).

         As the Pink Pony went to Ponyville, back in Canterlot, Shining Armor had caught wind of a sudden surge in pony marriages. He was just getting to Canterlot to speak with Princess Celestia, when he came across a pony making out with a bench at the station.

      "That's strange," he muttered to himself, scratching his chin thoughtfully. "Lemon Hearts doesn't like benches. She likes poles. Something's not right here." He headed quickly past odd bouts of love all around town to the castle, but instead of going to talk about promotions in the Royal Guard, he was going to inquire about why ponies were making love to doughnuts in the streets.

         Much to his horror, he came into the castle to discover that the Princesses were quite busy with a guest already, and he wanted no part in that. The first thing he heard was how nice somepony's ass was, and that immediately freaked him out. His options were limited now.

         He could either apprehend the aggressor, whomever they were, or he could sit back and enjoy the show. The second one just wasn't right, as good as it sounded, so he opted for the first option. But whom was it that was causing so much love to suddenly spawn around-

         Cadance.

         With perspiration beading on his brow as he hurried off to search for his wife, he knew he had to act fast. She was shipping with food and inanimate objects, which meant she was about to totally lose it. The results wouldn't be good.

         Princess Cadance was now in Ponyville, wreaking havoc with her spell of love, shipping at will, against wills. It was madness. Chaos. If Discord weren't busy admiring Celestias' bottom, he'd be enjoying the crazy spreading throughout Equestria.

         Cadance hopped all the way to Fluttershy's cottage, finding the adorable, graceful, and gentle mare outside, laying in the grass with some small woodland creatures. As Cadance approached, the animals fled, startling Fluttershy into a standing position. She relaxed a little when she discovered that it was merely her friend.

         Fluttershy smiled warmly at Cadance as she reached her. "Hello, Princess Cadance. It's good to see you. Um, why are you here, if I may ask?"

         Cadance shook her head and twitched violently, arousing concern from the yellow Pegasus before her. "No matter, dear. You sure love animals, correct? Of course it's correct. But how much do you love animals? That's the better question. Lots? I'm sure. Right? Right?" Cadance was completely Lesson Zero at this point.

         Fluttershy took a step back. "Uh, I... Yes, I-I do..."

         Cadance zapped her with the spell before Fluttershy could even blink. "Enjoy your animals like you should, Hon. Have a great day!" She slipped into the sky, searching for another victim.

         Fluttershy blinked a few times at her pet bunny, Angel, as he hopped up to her. "Oh, Angel. You're such a good bunny. It's so cute! I mean, let me show you what I mean..." She picked him up and smothered his poor, furry face with wet, slobbery kisses.

         And he didn't mind.

         Shining Armor was in Ponyville as soon as he could get there. It was dark now, but that didn't mean he couldn't see the extremely inappropriate loving going on around him. "I've got to find Cadance quick, before she ships everypony and everything in town!" he told himself urgently as he galloped through town, searching here and there for his mare. But alas, all he could find were ships. Ships everywhere.

         It was almost too late. But then he caught a break. Or a break caught him, rather.

         Cadance was laughing maniacally as she ran down the street--right into her husband. They both cried out as they hit the dirt.

         Cadance immediately stood up, shocked that her Stallion was here in town. "Shining, hon, what in Equestria are you doing here, dear?" She helped him up, acting seemingly normal.

         Shining knew better than to buy it. "Cadance, a better question is why I can see Fluttershy making out with a rabbit behind you."

         Cadance looked back momentarily, before turning back to her husband and shrugging. "I suppose she just really loves her bunny."

         Shining narrowed his eyes at her.

         "Alright, so maybe I helped her out a little. It's no big deal, hon. No harm, no foul." She grinned innocently.

         Again, Shining knew his wife all too well. "Hon, you've gone mad. You have to fix this mess before there's a baby boom. Please?" He placed a comforting hoof on her shoulder. She was still inebriated, albeit not as much as earlier, and obviously in need of rest. Shining only wanted to help her feel better. But this madness had to end.

         Cadance sighed heavily. "But Hon, I'm so very weary of being used. Ponies just don't appreciate me anymore..."

         Shining snorted. "You and I both know there's no truth in that. Just because there are a few bad apples doesn't make the whole bunch no good. There are 100 ponies who appreciate you greatly for every one pony who doesn't. Don't worry about those. They don't change you. They don't make you bad at what you do. You're the best I know. Okay?" He caressed her cheek.

         Cadance finally seemed to have snapped out of it. She smiled genuinely at Shining and hugged him tightly. "I'm sorry Hon. I won't let it bother me anymore. You're absolutely right. From now on, I'll maintain myself no matter what."

         "That's my girl. Let's head home." He gave her a squeeze.

         "... Oh, Angel, let's take this to my room..."

         Cadance cleared her throat guiltily. "After... I fix all this, right?"

         Shining gave her a tight-lipped nod as Fluttershy rushed into her cottage with a very happy bunny.