"Come on, Twilight. You have to go to at least one party before you graduate."
I sighed, closing the treatise on advanced thaumophysics I had been trying to read. I really did not want to have this conversation right now. "No, Minuette, I don't. And don't try to convince me otherwise: I've already read through the list of CSGU's graduation requirements five times."
She pouted at me from across the cafeteria table. "You don't know what you're missing! Aren't you even a little stressed out from all the 24/7 studying?" Flashing her bright smile, she said "Because nothing beats mixing it up with some rad beats, stiff drinks, and stiffer stallions."
Minuette then proceeded to pick up the carrot dog on her plate and start sliding the carrot back and forth while holding the bun in place and wiggling her eyebrows.
Taking another bite of the creamed corn from my own half-eaten lunch, I narrowed my eyes at her. "I see no need to pursue a relationship of that nature. Never have, never will. The logistics are too complicated, and the sensations can't possibly be that much better than those induced by self-stimulation."
She blinked, her smile disappearing from her face. "Wait... are you actually a virgin?"
That was traditionally a taboo question, but what sort of scholar would I be if I didn't answer it? I nodded. "As Princess Celestia's student, I take pride in upholding myself to the highest possible standards of personal decency."
At that, Minuette gasped, jumping onto the table and grabbing my head. Silverware clattered all over the place. "You need to get laid, pronto."
A vehement frown formed upon my muzzle. "No, I don't."
"Yes, you do!"
"No, I don't."
Sitting back down, Minuette crossed her hooves in front of her. "Ok, fine. Don't think of it as getting laid. Think of it as a... an experiment. For researching the behavior of college stallions in an intimate setting."
Well, that was an idea. And I have been lagging a bit behind in sociology lately [1]. "Ok, but the experimental data would become invalid if the experimenter was also a participant. And I'd need a much larger data set, which means interviews of couples post-coitus, and a control group..."
She groaned. "Never mind! I guess, just... do a case study then!"
"Oh, that could work. Data collection would also go a lot faster, actually."
"All right!" Minuette exclaimed. "You won't regret it, trust me." Reaching into her saddlebags with her magic, she pulled out a slip of paper and passed it to me. Written on it was an address, tomorrow's date, and a time. "This if for sweet party I got invited to. Sadly, I can't go because I put off my Calc 3 homework, but you can go instead!"
I nearly stumbled out of my seat in shock. "That problem set was assigned weeks ago!"
She chuckled, rolling her eyes at me. "Don't worry about me, Twilight. Worry about yourself, and how you're going to feel after rutting somepony for the first time tomorrow night."
"Well, if you say so." I smiled back. "I'll be sure to let you read the research paper when it's finished!"
More blinking. "Uh, ok. Thanks."
And so, taking that as my cue to end the conversation, I flipped my book back open and resumed eating.
* * *
I stood outside the building Minuette's note had directed me to. It was late in the evening, and the house was rather decrepit from the outside, by Canterlot standards at least. Normally, I'd be getting some more reading in at this time, but instead, here I was, about to lose my virginity.
Unlike most ponies, however, I was prepared. I had combed through multiple tomes relevant to the subject, from anatomy textbooks to popular erotica [2]. And of course I'd made a list of methods to try, arranged from the least forced (on my part) to the most forced. I even had all of the books still with me in case I needed to double-check something.
And so, ready to tackle and overcome this hurdle of my life with all the necessary scientific rigor, I stepped though the chilly night air and knocked on the door. "Hello? I'm here for the party."
A few seconds later, the door swung inwards, and my ears were immediately bombarded by incredibly loud pop music. As they folded shut on reflex, I barely managed to avoid scowling at the young mare who stood in front of me, her aura gripping the doorhandle.
"Did you cast a soundproofing spell on the house or something? Because there's no way I wouldn't have been able to hear this racket from outside otherwise," I stated.
The mare laughed uproariously in reply, nearly losing her balance in the process. "You're so funny! Come on in!"
With that, the drunken mare ushered me inside. Many more ponies were already here, much to my chagrin, most of whom I vaguely recognized as fellow CSGU students. Some lounged about on stained sofas or chairs, while others hovered around tables piled high with chips and other equally unhealthy snacks. There was also a massive bowl of punch, and many plastic cups were being dipped in and out with magic as those present repeatedly partook. In the far corner, ponies with glowsticks danced like they were all having strokes next to a huge boombox.
Oh, and multiple couples were making out. Sloppily. In broad view. This was surely the ideal environment for my case study.
Even though I'd went though it three times already, I checked the first entry on my list:
Method One: Act intoxicated and vulnerable to lure in stallions with a predatory nature
Ok, then. I walked over to the punch bowl, pretending to stumble a bit for effect. So far so good. Time to really sell it.
"Boy, I'm extremely inebriated right now," I said, ensuring my voice was loud enough to be heard over the din. "I sure hope some bad stallion doesn't take advantage of me while I'm mentally compromised!"
A quick glance around me revealed that nopony seemed to have heard me, save for one stallion with a blonde mane. His eyebrow was raised in confusion.
"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.
I took a few shaky steps closer to him. Then, I managed a fake hiccup, and raised my tail a bit for effect. "Yes?"
He facehooved. "Just stop."
"Stop what?"
"I saw you walk in like two seconds ago. And your breath smells fine."
I groaned. "Darn it. I figured if everypony else was drunk, they wouldn't notice."
"Well, I'm staying sober, as this is my party," he said. "I'm watching to make sure things don't get too crazy. And that? What you just did? That's crazy."
"No it's not!" I said, pouting. "Most of my sources suggest many stallions will try to take advantage of an inebriated mare!"
It appeared to take him a moment to process my statement. When he finally did, he frowned. "Well, not in my house." He then gestured to his cutie mark, which was a speech bubble of the sort common in comic books. Which I of course never actually read. "My talent is fostering communication. I've been throwing parties for years now, and each and every instance of filthy bathroom or closet sex that happens upstairs is consensual, thank you very much."
"But it would be consensual! I'm consenting!"
"Well, yes, but you weren't acting like it. It's a matter of principle."
"Exactly! I wouldn't even be here right now if it wasn't for principles," I said, stomping a hoof in disdain. "But mine are scientific. I want to have sex and then record my experience for an experiment."
The stallion's eyes widened. "Oh, really? Actually, that's kinda perfect. See, I've got this friend, and he's gotten pretty desperate, not being used to this sort of thing, so—"
I raised a leg to cut him off. "No need, I have a list."
He blanched. "What? But—"
"I have a list. I'm going to follow it. So no thank you."
With that, I turned around and trotted off from the nameless host, ignoring his further protests. Plucking my list back out of my bags, I reread the second entry:
Method Two: Mingle with stallions who appear to be single and apply suggestive dialogue
Right. The most difficult aspect of this methodology was the first part, since not every stallion in a relationship would necessarily bring their marefriend to the party with them. So, I unfortunately must... read social cues. Hooray.
I begin a careful survey of the stallions at the party, passing over the ones making out. At first glance, I spot one by himself near the boombox, but he also appeared to be lying unconscious in a pool of vomit. So, that guy was probably out. There was also a group by the entrance to the kitchen, throwing small balls into cups of punch arrayed in a pattern on the dining table. Clearly, that was some sort of private ritual, and not to be interrupted.
Ah, there! A small circle of ponies, two stallions and three mares, standing at the bottom of the staircase. They seemed to be chatting amicably. Time to join them!
I walked over, a spring in my step, training my ears on their conversation.
"—and then she was all like: boysenberry? I thought you said poisonberry!"
This elicited a round of laughter from the five of them.
"Hahahahaha," I said, slipping into the circle. "Say, are you talking about pies?" I asked.
A mare nodded, the liquid in her cup sloshing about. "Uh-huh! See, this one time, my friend Scarlet was—"
"Great! Actually, as it so happens, my pie is quite tasty," I said, facing the two stallions with lidded eyes.
"Really? Are you a baker?" one of them asked.
My jaw dropped. Before I could voice my denial, another of the mares moaned dramatically, tilting her head back. "I'm, like, soooo craving some peanut butter right now."
"Hey, me too!" voiced the second stallion. "Let's go raid the kitchen!"
"That sounds wonderful," I said. "But I'd rather have some bananas."
Rather than producing the desired flustered blush, my statement only caused the first stallion to nod. "Straight Talk probably has some of those lying around too. To the kitchen!"
"Woo!" exclaimed mare number three.
I stared dumbly at the five of them as they wandered over into said kitchen.
Seriously? Why wasn't this working? Those were both classic euphemisms! Ugh, maybe some of the other stallions would get the hints I so meticulously dropped with my quick wit.
However, it was not to be. Scanning the crowd again proved fruitless, pun intended. None of the other boys at the party looked even close to the ideal candidate for receiving my calculated feminine charms.
Looks like it's back to the list for ol' Twilight.
Method Three: Find a couple already engaged in coitus and join them
Right, the legendary 'threesome'. During my research, I had been unable to find a single instance where a mare approached a couple for a threesome and didn't end up participating. So this one had to work. Sure, most of my sources were works of fiction, but such a unanimous pattern was certainly based on true events.
Therefore, I made my way upstairs. That stallion from earlier - Straight Talk, I inferred - implied that was where I needed to go to find couples having sex.
Upon cresting the final step, I beheld a barren hallway, largely devoid of furnishings. Two doors lay on either side, all shut. A small listening charm made apparent the soft moans coming from the one on the far right. Bingo.
Not bothering to knock, I silently swung it open, entering with a practiced sashay. "Mind if I... join you?"
"Mmm, ye—WAUGH!"
The ponies in the bedroom scrambled backwards in shock, tangling themselves into the sheets even further. A particular bulge drew my eye, while my mind was occupied trying to process the stallion's reaction.
"Kyaaaaa!" screamed the mare, her eyes shut tight.
I walked closer, hopping onto the bed. "It that a yes? The screaming implies 'no', but that doesn't make any sense."
The stallion glared at me. "Of course it means no! You're crazy! Get OUT!"
"Ugh, not this again. I'm perfectly sane, only inexperienced!" I shuffled closer. "Please, I'd really appreciate your help with my case study on intercourse!"
He moved to shield his marefriend with his forelegs. "Well, sorry, but now we're not even in the mood anymore, no thanks to you!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "But... but... threesome?" I stammered.
"I don't even know who you are!" he exclaimed. "Honey, do you know this mare?"
She pried her eyes open and looked me over. "I-I don't," she said, shaking.
"Well," I began, "would you like to? Get to know me, that is. Perhaps in an... intimate manner?"
"NO!" they both shouted in unison.
I took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself. It didn't work. "Come on, this was the last item on my list! If it doesn't work, how will I ever lose my virginity? At this rate I might even have to use a golem instead..."
Suddenly, the mare began charging her horn.
The aura was familiar, and I eventually recognized it. "Oh, hey, is that Arc Lightning's Stun Sp—"
That was when my entire body became wracked with painful spasms as she shot the spell at my face. Unable to form coherent thoughts under the torrent of electricity, I blacked out almost immediately.
* * *
"When I came to," I continued, "I found myself in the palace infirmary. The staff went to inform Princess Celestia, and she asked me why the guard found my unconscious body lying on the side of the road."
I was in my tower, explaining how the party went to Minuette, who had invited herself in [3]. She was still wearing the same stupefied expression that she'd had for most of our conversation. "And then? What did you say?"
"I told her what happened, and she spit out her tea in my face. Then she said I was to never to speak of any of this again, and that I couldn't write any sort of academic paper about it either. Well, I am speaking of it to you, obviously, but you already knew, so it's fine."
She blinked. "That's... wow. For the smartest pony I know, you can be really stupid sometimes."
I crossed my hooves. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Forcing a smile onto her face, Minuette replied "It means you shouldn't have actually treated your first roll in the hay as an experiment. I didn't think you'd take my advice so literally."
"Well, what was I supposed to do, then? Voluntarily dull my own intellect with extremely suspect beverages and then start talking to stallions with no plan?"
"Yes! That's exactly what you're supposed to do!" Her confirmation was punctuated by some wild gesturing.
"Wait, really? That's so dumb, no wonder I didn't think to try that."
She shrugged. "Believe me, it works, at least for us normal ponies."
"I'm sure it does. But I'm still not going to do that if I ever attempt this again."
That perked her back up for real. "You're itching for another round? That's great!"
"Maybe someday," I said. How would I change my procedure, though? Oh, of course, I'll just ask! "Ok, Minuette. If you're the expert, what do you think I should do to 'get laid'? Besides that first suggestion."
Minuette scratched her head, pausing to think for a bit. "I dunno. Maybe if you were a princess? You are learning stuff directly from Celestia, after all, so it's possible. That way, you could just command somepony to have sex with you."
At that, I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, right. Me, a princess? Of what, books? That'll be the day."
Author's Note
[1] She missed one of the extra credit questions on her last exam, leaving her with an awful score of 101%.
[2] Needless to say, the look she received from the librarian at checkout was one of bafflement.
[3] Of course, she gave Spike permission to go treat himself to some donuts at Pony Joe's so as to get him out of the house. Dragons his age obviously shouldn't be hearing about this sort of thing yet.
This version of pre-show Twilight has much of myself in her, namely my view on romantic/sexual relationships. Like, really, why bother? Also, this is probably the closest I'll ever get to writing clop. Sorry if any of you were hoping I would apply my talents to the pornographic arts.
