Gray sand swirls around my pale coat as I look out over the group of ponies faithfully assembled before me. A forest of eyes blinks, their sparkles of hope and determination the only source of true color in this shrinking world. Ears are perked, eagerly hanging on my next word.
These are my friends. Ponies who've stuck with me through thick and thin, ponies whom I've sworn to protect with my talents and my life... as I hope they would never have to do for me. And now, we're nearing the end of our journey.
"Ponies!" I shout, hearing my voice crack as chaotic light from the sky dances across my vision. "Long ago, when I met the first of you, I had... I was nothing! Just like the world around us, my heart had turned to stone. I had forgotten everything... how to laugh, how to learn, how to live and love... everything except a desire to be loved myself."
I sniff. My eyes are dry, but in this climate, that counts for nothing. "But you didn't care. You stuck with me, taught me, gave me a warmth that made my short, short life a life worth living. And I hope... I hope you've all been able to learn from me as well. Those of you who were there at the beginning, and those who I've only just met..."
The harsh light from above cools my skin, yet I feel anything but cold. Honestly, I'm impressed not one of my friends is heeding it- this is the first time in my memory the sky had been anything but gray, much less a plethora of guilty "colors" that herald the end of the world. Still, they're a poor substitute for true color at best. The hues are there, but they lack a soul.
"The fire of friendship lit between us all burns bright!" I stop to cough, a common occurrence any place without walls to shelter one from the sand blowing in the wind. "Bright enough to survive... Bright enough that its magic can forestall her efforts to annihilate us. Bright enough to give us a chance."
On the near horizon, the bands of nonexistence radiating across the sky converge on a central focus, high above the pinnacle of Her Tower. I stare up at it, and I don't blink.
My friends are looking at me, waiting for me to say something more. Somewhere along the way, I became their leader. Perhaps it's because I'm the best strategist. Perhaps it's because I'm the best at keeping them alive. Or perhaps it's because I embody something they all wish to be... without even trying.
No, that's a lie. I try very much. I go into every battle thinking not just of the lives of my friends, but of my enemies... how in this world, every life is an irreplaceable spark, a light that could fan the fire of friendship somewhere, even between two ponies who don't include me. That's why, when I lead my friends into a fight, I try not just to protect their lives, but the lives of whomever we're fighting, as well. Every pony deserves a happy ending. So long as they stay alive, there's still hope they can get it.
So far, I haven't failed once.
"In less than an hour..." My breath shudders. I want to stop talking, to daydream about what life will be like when the struggle is over, but I can't. We haven't won yet. "In less than an hour, the Princess of Time will erase this world. She will rewind time itself... destroy every hope and memory we have made together. We will exist only as our past selves, and it will be without each other. And an existence without friends... I now know to be pointless."
For me, there's even more at stake than the others. They all had lives when I met them... some of them, at least. But me? Some time ago, I had been robbed, and a memory spell designed to protect the identity of the bandits had gone awry. I remembered nothing... I still remember nothing. It's probably a good thing, because I wasn't very nice when they found me. I'm sure there are countless sins on my shoulders I've forgotten as well. I'd rather they remain that way, because so long as I don't know what I've done, it's easier to cling to the possibility of atonement. It's easier to pretend I'm perfect, and show it by saving everyone. But if I get rewound, I'll probably go back to who I was before, and all this effort will have been for nothing. What does it matter if somepony lives or dies, anyway, if later, it never happened at all?
I sweep a hoof out. "And for what? What does she gain by erasing everything? Because her reign is crumbling? So that she can relive the life she has lived ever since the sun and moon were extinguished, countless years before we met?" I shake my head. "That is no life. A life relived... every event having happened before, devoid of friendship and light... For all we know, this has happened before. Who knows how many times somepony has tried and failed to stop her? How many times she has reset the world, destroying everything so many ponies have worked to reclaim?"
My friends don't boo. They're better than that... I'm better than that. I hang my ears; they don't need to be reminded of what is at stake. Most certainly, they don't need to be told to hate the Princess of Time. Hatred is the enemy of friendship. I try never to hate anything.
Even if I wanted to, though, I don't think I could hate the Princess of Time. I've met her before... many times. In fact, it was she who taught me to be so determined in the first place. During the beginning of my memories, it was she who showed me that it was possible to always win, that no matter how bleak things looked I could always have a happy ending... and that every pony around me deserved one too. And that I could give it to them.
But that's all in the past. That was all before she took over the world, cut ties with me, and began hunting me with her armies. Before she began trying to reset time itself. Something happened to her, and I don't know what, but I do know what I'm going to do. Me and my friends are going to Her Tower- yes, that's really what she called it. We're going to use the power of our friendship to fight her spell, to stop it and save the world. I'm going to find out what she wants, and I'm going to give her the happy ending she taught me was always possible. It's time for the student to surpass the master.
I clear my throat, focusing on how little time we have left. Time... such an enemy in normal circumstances, and now very much trying to kill us. "I... I'm sorry," I heave out. "You all know already what brings us together... what gives us the power to change things. We need to press on. We need to save the world. Even if it doesn't look like much worth saving... if it has no future, there's no hope that things will get better. And hope and friendship are all we have."
Stepping down from the low boulder on which I had been perched, I swish my tail dramatically. "Come! Our final battle awaits!"
As I walk through the center of my crowd of friends, I purposefully look each and every one of them in the eye. I see their dreams, I see their lives, and I see their sparks... things worth preserving. Things that deserve happiness. And I can give it to them. As their leader and their friend, it's up to me.
"I won't let you die," I promise them. "I'll give you a happy ending. I'll give everyone a happy ending. So stay alive... and keep our enemies alive, too. One more time."
A chorus of nods rustles behind me. I'm now at the head of the pack, staring down the road to the base of Her Tower, her final resistance inevitably lying in wait.
We march.
Magic fills the air around me. I can hear the sounds of ponies clashing, of steel banging against steel. Grunts and yells fill my ears, and I can smell the scent of blood. Someone is wounded.
Still, I know we won't lose. As short as my memories are, every time we fight I feel as if I've lived countless lifetimes on that battlefield. Knowledge rises in my brain like gusts of steam; like a streak of color I can see the right way to go to save a life. Send this pony here. Fire a stun spell there. Stay away from that outcropping. So long as I heed myself and my friends heed me, everything will be all right.
My Cutie Mark is glowing. A Cutie Mark about Cutie Marks, it's how I stay in such close watch over my friends. Any mark I've touched before, I can feel- I know where everyone is, how everyone is doing. I know if anyone is hurt.
I could do much more, as well. If I needed, my Cutie Mark lets me take their marks entirely, keeping them for myself. But I've resolved that the only time I'll ever accept a Cutie Mark from another pony is if they die by my hooves... It will be a piece of them, something I'll be able to carry forever so they will not be forgotten. Even if they can't live on in the world, they can live on in me. So far, the one mark on my flank remains my own, and I'm determined to keep it that way.
Suddenly, however, a scream rings out. It's one of my friends, I can tell without looking. They're close by. An armored foe is rearing over them, ready to make sure they're dead.
My heart doesn't seize up, as that of anyone else in my place might. I coolly turn, making sure I know the situation as my horn comes alight. Stubbornness and friends aren't the only things I have on my side, and this enemy is about to meet the end of a tool none of my friends even know I have. Being a former student of the Princess of Time has advantages, and this is one of them.
With a flash, the world is rewound about me. It takes much of my mana reserves and only goes back several seconds, but that's more than what I need. Armed with knowledge of the future, I whirl and fire a crystallization beam, impacting my friend's adversary and sealing them inside a gemstone before they can land the ill-fated blow.
My friend waves thanks to me. They remember nothing, of course. Only I ever do after using this spell. They all think I merely know everything, and am guarding them at all times. I try to, I really do, but I'm not perfect. At times like this, when my perception fails me, I instead must use for good the power that the Princess of Time wants to use for evil. Being the sole bearer of this knowledge, having watched the deaths of my friends countless times in another life and knowing this is what would become of them were I not here... that is the price I pay for it. It's a price worth paying.
We won the battle. All the lives are intact; my flank remains my own. I don't have to use my special talent.
It was a surprisingly easy fight, seeing as this may be her final guard. The enemies practically surrendered on sight of me. Perhaps they know who I am, and want me to give them a happy ending, too. Perhaps they don't want to be reset. It's funny that they let me go now, when so many of my past battles have been fought to avoid capture by the Princess of Time's armies.
When I listen to stories from ponies who do battle more brutally than I, it's not supposed to feel this way. There's supposed to be adrenaline, fear, anticipation, and the feeling that you can do anything. I don't feel this way, because I know what's going to happen. I know we will always win so long as I do what's right... so that is the real battle.
I must not hate. I must not kill. I must not seek revenge.
It's easier when the ponies around me don't hurt me. It's easier when they can't. So long as I keep my friends together, we will always win, even if we haven't won yet. So long as we don't lose, nothing is taken from me. So long as nothing is taken from me, I have no reason to hate... and I can keep my friends together. But the moment that cycle breaks, I lose everything, and so it must not break. At this point, I think the only thing that could stop it is if my past were to catch up to me, if I were to find somepony who wanted revenge for something I'd done.
Calmly, I begin to regroup my friends. We have to reach the top of Her Tower. We still have time. We can still save time.
"I'm proud of you all," I say in less than my loudest voice, saving my breath for the inevitable climb ahead. "We have no time to lose. We must-"
FLAAAAASH!
"Welcome home, Starlight Glimmer."
I open my eyes. I'm lying on some kind of smooth stone, and the winds whipping around me are devoid of sand. Above, the convergence of light and time looms impossibly close. My friends are nowhere to be seen, but I'm not alone.
There's something else. It has the form of a pony, the same size and shape as me, though completely without color. It's so black, I can't make out features, can't make out contour, can't see anything except a pony-shaped hole in the wind and sky. And it can talk.
This is my former friend, the Princess of Time.
Her silhouette has both wings and a horn, as only she does. My heart is racing, but my voice is level. "Hello, Princess."
Even after all this time, I still don't know what she looks like beneath the shadows. I still don't know her real name.
"Only sometimes," she answers. There's a haunting familiarity in her voice, the way the darkness that obscures her features seems to absorb even sound, too. "Congratulations on your victory, by the way."
I furrow my brow. "Wait, what? Aren't you trying to stop me?"
She seems to nod, but is cut short when her body is wracked with a shiver. "For longer than either of us can remember, the only thing I've ever tried to do is teach you a lesson."
"B-But-!" I stammer out. Her presence is overwhelming in its lack of color, and I doubt I'll be able to keep my composure for long. "What's this, then? Why would you try to erase me if you want me to learn something? Wouldn't I just forget everything you've taught me? Like you apparently have?"
She seems to be looking at me. "What do you think I want, Starlight Glimmer?"
Focusing, I try to collect my breathing. My friends are climbing this tower, and until they arrive, I'll be alone with my former mentor. A pony who wants something unknowable of me. I hope it's just a happy ending. I'm good at giving those.
I clear my throat, and give her my best guess. "I think you taught me what you did because you think it's inevitable that you end alone, and now you want me to help you."
She is silent, so I continue. "In fact, I think you know me from before I lost my memory. I think you have some horrible sin on your shoulders that relates to me. Is that why you've put me through so much, yet built me up so much as well? You need me to forgive you for something that happened, and are trying to make me understand what you're capable of before that would have any meaning?"
There's another possibility that I refuse to voice. It's clear that we used to know each other, and that something came between us. It's possible the sin was mine.
"Mmmmmm hmm hmm hmmm..." Her laughter is cold and cruel, and I purposefully ignore the implications for my guess. Next comes the glow of her horn, and her aura is without color. Then the darkness around her shifts, rotating as if trying to find a better fit for her body. Reflective imperfections begin to appear, and finally, it crumples and is consumed by the light at the tip of her horn. I gasp, seeing for the first time my mentor's true form.
She has a pale pink coat, with proportions no different from- or perhaps very slightly larger than- an average mare. Her mane is purple with cyan stripes, split in a neat bang around her horn. I can see my own face reflected in her pastel purple eyes, and realize I'm looking at a mirror image of myself... with two exceptions.
The Princess of Time has wings, and she lacks a Cutie Mark. And for all the color returned to her features, she's shivering violently, and is the grayest pony I've ever seen. In fact, I think she's turning black again before my eyes.
"I-I..."
"My real name is Starlight Glimmer," she proclaims, not needing me to say anything. "And I'm doing this because of something you did to me."
I nod meekly. I was right, yet I'm not ready for this. My mind is suddenly tracing all the possibilities that could spring from a doppelganger of myself. I grit my teeth and use my Cutie Mark. I can feel my friends, but they're far away. There's nothing I can do but watch and listen.
She smiles victoriously and lights her horn. Twin bolts of light fly out, one impacting the center of the tower roof, the other right in front of my hooves. With a start, I realize a worn dagger has materialized in front of me.
I turn the dagger over in my telekinesis, regaining my voice. "What's this supposed to be?"
Princess Starlight shrugs. "It's a weapon. I've owned it on and off, but now it's yours. It should suit you well if you ever want to kill something."
"Such as...?" I narrow my eyes.
"Me." She smiles sweetly. "After all, that's one of the only ways to stop this spell of mine and save this world, Starlight. What's a happy ending for one pony when weighed against those of everyone else? Especially when you're merely finishing what you started..."
I grimace. Does she know how much never taking a life means to me? Of course she does, she taught me.
She taught me to value never taking a life, and now wants me to kill her.
"Additionally..." She leans in as she shivers, sweetness evaporating into a sinister smirk. "Since I lack a Cutie Mark, you'll have nothing to remember me by. Nothing to wear on your flank, labeling yourself as the murderer you are. That knowledge will be yours and yours alone..."
That I should take Cutie Marks to remember those I fail is something she taught me, too. Now she wants me to be unable to do that. She taught me I could be good enough never to have to tangle with vengeance, too.
I gulp. "And what's the alternative?"
She points over my shoulder, and I turn to look. Where the second bolt landed, a brazier has emerged from the roof, a glimmering plume of cyan flame upon a stone pedestal.
Princess Starlight draws alongside me. "That is my power. Take it, and you can stop my spell yourself. Then, if it's ever misused, it would be purely your fault... and we both know you're the most faultless pony around. Aren't you, Starlight Glimmer?"
"I... really?" I can't help but notice both of these options involve Princess Starlight giving up her power. "What are you getting out of this?"
"A beginning. An ending. Revenge." She shrugs, and I hear signs of strain in her voice mixed with the chattering of teeth. "The clock is ticking, Starlight Glimmer. Make your choice. I'm running out of time..."
Indeed, I'm running out of time. I feel it's a trap, but faced with a choice between taking a life and taking the power to save lives, I have only one logical course of action. Perhaps showing I trust her will help warm her heart.
I dive headfirst into the flames.
Magical energy washes over my body like the breath of an enormous beast. I clutch myself, shivering from heat as I ripple, light congregating at my sides and forehead in bright, colorful waves. My entire vision has gone cyan with color, the sparks dancing across my coat setting my very hairs itching with power.
I stand up, realizing the brazier is now a throne in which I had been seated. There are wings at my sides, and when I spread them, something feels familiar... it feels right. I think I could fly, right now, if I wanted to.
Princess Starlight is in front of me, writhing on the ground... except she isn't an alicorn anymore. Her wings are missing and she's shrunk about an inch, though her flank remains bare. With a brief surge of panic, I check my own, relieved to see my precious mark still in place.
My eyes widen at her state. Time spell forgotten, my better nature compels me to her side. "Princess!?" I shake her, and she hisses when my hooves touch her body. She's cold as ice.
"Ngghk... Don't... call me that... So bright..." she growls as she shivers.
There has to be something magical about her coldness, but as I flex my newly enhanced horn, delighting in the energy I find there, I can't detect anything. In fact, I detect less than I should if she was a normal pony.
I think she's dying. I think she's tricked me into killing her.
A growl rises in the base of my throat. I won't let her do this. Flinging caution to the winds and replacing it with sheer determination, I do the first thing I can think of to help a pony that's cold. I hug her.
I wrap my forelegs around her body, wrap my wings around her back, press her head into my neck. I do everything I can to shield her from the outside air, everything I can to hold her off the ground and out of the wind. I won't let her get her way. She won't die because of me, and if she does, it won't be alone.
Slowly, her shivers are starting to subside... when she teleports out of my grasp.
"Guh!" I hit the ground, scrambling to my hooves as she appears shakily several paces away. She's still shivering, but she can stand, coat a mottled patchwork of black and gray. I glare at her.
Her voice is weak when she finally talks. "You s-shouldn't have done that. I can't wait to know why you did. Nnngh..."
"I think you know why," I answer. "Now, how do I turn off your spell?"
She tilts her head, cockiness returning. "Hmm? You mean this simple light spell I used for the express purpose of attracting you to your tower?"
Her horn sparks with light, and suddenly the vortex over our heads vanishes. The world goes back to the gray emptiness it always has been, the horizon tinged eternally with neither dawn nor dusk.
I can hear my voice crack. "W-What!?"
"Your friends will be here soon," she says, drawing back. "There's nothing that will harm them in your absence. You'll all be able to collect on your happy endings. But... we still have a few more minutes. Can we talk about something, first?"
I nod slowly. I want an explanation.
"You're all-powerful," she says. "If anything were to ever happen that you don't like, you could rewind time and fix it. Make it go your way. Do you understand that, Princess of Time?"
I continue nodding. "Of course I do. You showed me how to do that long ago, remember?"
"And what you want..." She frowns. "Is to give everyone a happy ending. Isn't it?"
More nodding.
"Well then..." Her frown morphs back to a wry smirk. "It's such a shame that's presently impossible."
"What?"
She continues to grin. "Do you know what happens to ponies who have their Cutie Marks taken from them? I doubt you remember, but it's something I'm painfully familiar with."
My nodding turns to shaking.
"When ponies lose their Cutie Marks..." Her smile begins to show teeth, and it's unsettling. "They lose the ability to love others. What do you think would happen to your fire of friendship then, Princess of Time?"
"I..."
"I had friends, once," she says. "I want to be loved. And when I can't love others back, that's impossible... No matter how determined they are, I'll keep betraying them. You can try to be my friend and ignore the fact that I hate you, but you'll fail. Again and again and again, until you give up and do something..." Her smile twists. "evil."
I'm speechless, but she isn't. "So, Princess of Time, there it is. I have no Cutie Mark, and you're to blame for it. Care to test your determination against the infinite, the impossible? If not, hurry up and stop taunting me with your warmth, and give me our bad ending."
"And what if I refuse?" I ask stubbornly. "What if I won't settle for a bad ending for anyone? What if I don't believe those are inevitable?"
Her eyes flash. In them I see no hope, no love... but just as much determination as I have. She speaks.
"Too bad it violates your precious ethics to rewind the world far enough to do that, Princess of Time."
I feel my heart freeze, realization dawning in my mind. "What? But you said that was a fake! A-"
She cuts me off, a runic scroll appearing in her aura. "That was. This isn't. I had no intention of resetting the world before you arrived, and certainly don't need ceremonies or holes in the sky to do it. All it takes is a magic scroll and a second of anyone's time, and there goes the universe."
"You wanted to go back in time to prevent yourself from losing your Cutie Mark..." I breathe.
She shrugs. "I've already tried, myself. I was just going to let you do it instead. I feel obligated to mention, Princess of Time, that your mark is exactly the same as mine. Someone has to lose, Princess. It's either your friends, me... or you."
Looking into my eyes, her gaze hardens. "Leave me alone or kill me, forever denying me the happy ending you need to give. Take my spell, undo everything you've worked to protect, and try again, hoping that with the power you have now, you can find a way to save everyone next time. Or give me your Cutie Mark, here and now, and resign yourself to my fate, sitting silently and alone as the protector of all of time... for eternity. What do you choose?"
I shiver. One choice would cost me my ideals, form a crack in the perfect cycle that always allows me to win... and eventually cost me everything. Another would preserve my ideals, at the cost of a terrible betrayal of my friends that only I would ever know... and the last would do so as well, costing me my soul in the process.
But wouldn't resetting time do the same? Assuming I succeeded, and found a way to earn a happy ending for everyone, would I ever be able to forgive myself for erasing my friends? I could give this other Starlight my mark, let her pretend she's me, but then I'd never be able to help others again. No matter what, I...
All options leave me without hope. There has to be another way. There has to.
"What happened to your Cutie Mark?" I ask. "If it still exists somewhere now, we could find it! I'd help you, I'll-"
She cuts me off. "First off, it doesn't exist. Believe me, I've looked, and if I can't find it without morals, you can't find it with them. And second, didn't I just warn you about being nice to me? I don't care one bit about you, Princess of Time. I'll betray you the moment it becomes remotely convenient, or even funny."
I bite my lip. My friends, but not my morals. My morals, but not my friends... though I could always make new ones. Or neither.
I feel sick. I can tell that I am being drawn toward a choice, and the mere fact that I can find one of those options more attractive than the others appalls me. To make matters worse, my friends are getting closer.
"It will be harder if you let them watch when you kill me," markless Starlight says, effortlessly reading my thoughts and subjecting them to deliberate misinterpretation.
A growl rises in my throat. Shoving down my conscience, I whirl on her. "Fine. I'll take the spell. And when I'm done... your ending is going to be the best there ever was. Do you understand?"
She simply smirks. Her horn flashes, and the scroll floats nearer to me.
"There's the final piece. Cast away, friend-killer."
My eye twitches, and I realize I have the worn dagger floating in my telekinesis as well. Something tugs on my mind, something I feel like I'm forgetting, but I can't afford to stop and think. I know if I do, I'll be paralyzed by what I find, and the one thing worse than losing is being helpless. I cast the spell.
Above my head, a translucent portal rips itself into being, summoning flashes of ethereal light and unnatural winds that lift me off my hooves. Rising into the air, I stare in mixed terror and fascination at the conflagration of gears and runes that is pulling me in.
Starlight is sitting on the ground, smiling sweetly. "Princess?" she calls out.
I turn back to her. Somehow, I can hear her plainly over the wind.
"Congratulations on killing everyone!" she shouts. "But aren't you forgetting something? Something I told you to always take if you ever killed a pony?"
Oh no.
My friends aren't here yet, I can feel them. Struggling, I flap my wings to escape the pull of the portal, but to no avail. Panic tears my voice, and I scream. "My Cutie Marks! I need them... How do I stop it!?"
She merely smirks.
With a flash, I lunge back in time. I'm closer to the ground, but the portal is still there, inescapably drawing me in. "You can't reset a reset, Princess of Time," Starlight taunts, apparently having full recollection of what I just did. Unsurprising and unhelpful.
I need a new plan; my horn is already lit. I have no idea what this new alicorn body is capable of, but I have to try. Channeling every bit of my Cutie Mark's magic into my horn, I sweep out a field down into the tower like a shockwave, reaching as hard as I can for my friends. Straining, mana leaking from my eyes, I begin to feel them. To remove them.
Panic tinges my friends as they notice something happening, realize what's happening, before the marks leave them and my links to them are severed. I can't feel my friends, and the world suddenly darkens. But I can feel their marks.
At last, they shoot out from the stone tower roof, arcing in streaks of color toward my body. Each one passes through my skin with a guilty burst of warmth, penetrating all the way to my heart where they come to rest. The moment I feel the last one enter, my resistance slackens for the smallest second.
In that second, I'm launched hurtling toward the portal, when- flash! The world around me blinks, and I'm further away. I've been sent back in time, and my friends' marks have returned to their flanks far below.
Starlight lets out a sharp cackle, panting slightly. "But that sure can be! Do you like the feeling of killing your friends, Princess of Time? Of devouring their souls without even getting to see the hope drain away from their eyes? I hope you do, because you're going to do it over and over... until I die from exhaustion or you leave without them!"
I grit my teeth. Using this reset power to force someone to experience something bad over and over... how could she do that? Regardless, I can tell she's serious. I cry out, even as I charge my horn to pull in the marks once again.
"Stop it! What are you doing? Why are you doing this?"
"Because I have nothing left to warm myself with but hatred, Princess of Time," she rasps, still shivering. "Funny how you think those are so opposite... up until you need something that burns, and realize they're one and the same... I'm repaying what you did to me. And I won't... nnngh..."
Flash! She doesn't even break her sentence as the world is reset. "I won't stop! You killed my friends, Princess of Time. You held me down, prevented me from doing anything... did it right to their faces... Listened to their screams..."
"NO!" I cut her off with a scream of my own. "I'm sorry! But I'm a different pony now, whatever I've done in my past! Please, you have to see that!"
"Don't you get it, Princess of Time?" Her smirk is twisted, blackening, lines of darkness creeping back across her face as she shivers uncontrollably, smoke rising from her horn. "It doesn't matter if you've changed or not, because I can't get it. This is the price of not being able to love..."
A split second later, and she's encased in a manacrystal. I can't take this any longer. I rend my friends' marks one more time, drawing them into my heart and soaring into the portal before she can free herself to stop me.
The last thing I see as I look over my shoulder is Starlight Glimmer's laughing face.
I've landed.
My eyes slowly open. Everything is gray. I'm surrounded by walls of crumbling brick and rusty sheet metal, mounds of discarded garbage. The sky looms overhead, and it's filled with darkness. Most of all, my heart is gray. My friends, with all of their color and flame, are gone... I'm determined to get them back. And I know where I am.
I recognize this as an alley behind an old tavern. This was where my friends first found me, at the very beginning. This is where I had been robbed. Where someone had tried to cast a memory spell so that I wouldn't be able to track them and failed like an amateur, costing me everything I knew.
But I have memories this time. I'll need to hide that, to pretend things are the same until I figure out what I need to change. I'll also need to hide my wings. Those would make a difference.
Suddenly, I freeze. There's a silhouette of a pony watching me, framed by the gray light from a window high above. I'm not sure how they got there, but there's a good possibility they're the bandit that... I wouldn't be surprised if this is the very time I was found, here. Unfortunately for them, I'm much more powerful this time. Fortunately for them, I'm going to do what it takes to give them a happy ending, too.
I call out. "Hello?"
No response. What do I even have to steal? Nothing but a worn dagger and a scroll that can reset the world. I wonder if it still works. Idly I feel it, and its magic seems just as potent as before it was used.
I call out again, and they vanish from the window. With a rustling that blends into the wind above, they slink down a heap of discarded objects, approaching me in the shadows. I crouch in anticipation; I won't kill them, but that doesn't mean I can't fight.
A light shines from their horn, illuminating their face. I gasp at what I see.
"Did you miss me, Princess of Time?"
It's her. The one pony who is determined not to be my friend survived the reset. Former Princess Starlight is grinning like a lunatic at me, outward glee combining with her shivers to create the distinct impression of insanity.
I watch wearily as Starlight paces around me, giving her no answer. Apparently, she doesn't need me to. "That's right, Princess of Time. That spell is designed to send me back in time. You're here, I'm here... and there's nothing you can do to get rid of me. You think things are going to be different this time? You think you can earn a happy ending for everyone, just by trying again?"
She flashes her flank at me, and it's still bare. She snarls. "Well, surprise! I still don't have a Cutie Mark! Weren't you listening when I told you it doesn't exist? Ha! Hahahaha... There are no happy endings for me, Princess of Time... and now there won't be any for you, either!"
Her grin is distorted. "That's something I learned a long, long time ago. And now, because you couldn't learn it fast enough, it's cost you your friends. All of them! You could have left just one pony to their fate, but you had to play the hero and try to save everyone! And as a result?"
She licks her lips, and her laughter is just as gray as the rest of the world has suddenly become. "Now, you get a happy ending for no one. Not me, not you, and not one of your friends! And it's all because you had to try too hard to be the hero... because you were too determined, because you couldn't call it quits when you had enough. I had nothing. I can't have anything, because you took my life away! You thought you could change that, didn't you? You thought you felt remorse for what you had done? It's too late for forgiveness, Princess. It's too late for anything but revenge, and now you have nothing, too. Isn't it wonderful? In the beginning, as in the end, we're all equal, and we all lose. And it's going to stay that way, forever and ever until the true end of time!"
She turns to walk away, then looks over her shoulder at me. "And do you know the best part?"
I shake my head silently, but I'm not listening. As long as I have this power, I can still make things different. I can make things better than they were last time.
The corners of her mouth touch the walls of the alley, and all I can see are teeth. "I'm going to follow you, Princess of Time. And whenever you try to get your friends back, I'll stop you. I'll make you fail. I'll foil you again and again until you have no choice but to kill me and deny me my happy ending... until you accept that not everyone can win. And when you do, you'll use that spell again to bring me back, and we'll dance this dance forever and ever, holding time itself hostage because we. Don't. Learn."
I call after her. "Starlight, wait!"
She turns to me with her smirk, but has clearly said her piece.
"Why? Why are you so determined to hurt everyone? I want to help you, and all you're doing is trying to stop me!"
"The same reason you're so determined to save everyone, Princess of Time," she answers. "Because we both hate it when there are winners and losers. We both hate it when not everyone is equal. I am you. You are me. The only difference between us is that you can love and I can learn. I can tell when something is impossible, and I'd rather drag every pony in the world down with me than see others winning while there are still bad endings."
I blink with realization, a possibility coming to mind. "And what if I changed that? What if I could convince you that you do have hope? Would you start trying to find hope for others, too?"
She turns around. I see something I can't quite read in her face as she sits down, spreads her forelegs and presents herself to me like a target. She's smiling, and it's an honest smile. She wants me to change her mind.
"It's too late, Princess of Time. I've won. We're all equal, and we've all lost. Even with all your love and determination, you can't change that, not one bit." She licks her lips. "But if you think you can, anyway? Prove it. I dare you to save even one pony from me. Take your best shot, Princess."
I feel my alicorn magic flare. I know what I'm about to do. I know how much it will hurt me, I know how it will deny me the possibility of a happy ending myself. But she's right, isn't she? I've lost. I can't get a happy ending for everyone. Not like this.
If that's the way she wants to play... fine. But if she wants me to accept that not everyone can win, to change what I've believed my whole life? I'm going to make her accept that not everyone has to lose.
Cyan color surrounds my flank, and with a thunderous tear, my Cutie Mark separates itself from me. I feel my magic wobble, the power to control marks draining from my horn, but I still have enough. I still have time. I am time.
Her eyes widen as the star and its trails soar through the air towards her. With a bright, bright flash of color, it enters her, and I see my Cutie Mark appear on her flank. She appears stunned. I'm stunned, too, by a wave of unnatural cold. My talent vanished, I can feel the marks of my friends floating around in my body, no longer tethered to my heart. It's all I can do to keep them from leaving entirely. A tear stains my cheek, and it rapidly turns to ice.
I tower over her. She has color, my color, and I gave it to her. I feel it calling to me, and I want it back. But I'm determined she won't lose. She wants to lose, and I won't let her, because she wouldn't let me win.
I'm going to force her to win.
I'm going to make her forget what losing even is.
I can already feel a memory spell building in my horn, but something is different. My alicorn magic is too strong, I'm not used to this kind of power. I suddenly stagger under the light, and as my face lowers to hers, I can see tears in her eyes. Tears... and color.
Her mouth moves, but I can't hear her over the furious hum of my own magic. Whatever she thinks her last words deserve to be, they don't deserve to be remembered. And they don't deserve to be her last.
My horn discharges.
FLAAAAASH!
Starlight Glimmer lays in an alleyway, surrounded by garbage and gray. She has nothing to her name and doesn't wake up, a speck of color in a world that is only light and dark.
I watch her from a nearby trash heap. I hold the scroll and the dagger tight. I've cast the shadow-cloaking spell on myself; it's not terribly difficult now that I'm an alicorn, and I was paying attention when she wore it.
A door opens somewhere, and light shines. Ponies gasp. Ponies come. I recognize faces of those who would become my friends.
Well, they're not my friends anymore. I erased that. And now that I have no Cutie Mark, I look at them and feel nothing but want... Starlight Glimmer is laying there, and she wanted to lose.
She can have my friends. They'll teach her a lesson. Teach her what is and isn't possible in life... It's not like I could have them like this, anyway.
I watch them carry her inside, and a tear trickles down my eye. I've lost, but she's going to win.
...But have I truly lost? After all, if I gave her my Cutie Mark, it stands to reason hers must be out there somewhere. Perhaps I could find it for myself and use it, instead. Mine worked for her. Why shouldn't hers work for me?
I'm going to look for it, I think. I don't doubt that it will be hard, but she gave up, didn't she? When she convinced me to reset the world? I just have to search longer. I have nothing else to do, and nothing holding me back. I'll never give up.
Nothing except teaching her a lesson, that is.
It's somewhat amusing, watching Starlight grow. Under my guidance, she wears my ideals like a foal wears their mother's robe, comically large and utterly useless. First came the surprise, the realization that I was right. Of course I'm right. Helping ponies worked up until her, did it not? And it's still what I'm doing. Still what I'm going to do.
Little does she know, she can't help me. I help myself, traveling where I want, refamiliarizing myself with lands I knew in the past and exploring ones I never did. With all my power, it's quite easy. Usually, I find nothing of interest. And when I get weary, I always come back to Starlight. She has my color, and it's around her that I feel the warmest. I can certainly understand why she was shivering, but really, it's not that bad. Perhaps she was less resilient than I.
I do have one speck of warmth to call my own. The Cutie Marks of my old friends still bounce around in my heart. I can feel them moving whenever I get cold, or when I'm around other ponies. They're nothing compared to the bonfire that is Starlight, but I'm glad I have them. These are more than just memories to me. I just wish I had the real thing.
It's a strange feeling, though, carrying these marks in my heart. Have you ever eaten so much, gotten so full that you can feel your stomach get bigger and sit heavy in your barrel? It's like that, only in my heart... and I'm still starving. I think I could burst if I'm not gentle, yet I desire to eat even more, and there's no way I can.
I can't wait to get my Cutie Mark back. Even though I'm teaching Starlight everything I know out of vengeance, I still believe it myself, and I think she does too. We could make great friends some day, once I'm capable of loving again.
Time is passing. Every flight, every meal, Starlight gets a little more sure of herself, and I come no closer to finding my Cutie Mark.
What's worse, I've noticed a pattern. The places Starlight goes, the lessons she learns, the friends she makes... they're all familiar to me. At first, I thought I was putting her in my story on purpose, as an ultimate act of revenge- she took my ideals, so I'll make sure she keeps them. But now, I can see more clearly: she is in my place. She was telling the truth earlier, when she said we were one and the same.
I think we're in a time loop. Somehow, some day, I'm going to take over the world. I'm going to threaten to destroy time. I'm going to try my hardest to convince her that every pony must lose... I'm going to come to believe it myself.
I'm going to give up. Not just on finding my Cutie Mark, but on everything I've ever believed in. I'm going to become so bitter, I'll force her to kill her own friends... no, my friends, whom she's borrowing, just for a taste of petty revenge. I've already lost the ability to care about others, I fear soon I'll forget what it's like to be cared about, too. My memories are bitter, and they're all I have.
I hate the idea of it... and yet, I think I finally know what happened in my past. I was the Princess of Time. I've always been her, on and off, simultaneously uplifting and throwing myself down.
Not only that, but I'm not even sure what I'm going to do about it. Can I change the future? I could certainly try. But what would be in it for me? If I let things proceed as they have, I'll become myself again. I'll get my Cutie Mark back, receive the bliss of ignorance. It won't last, but it's better than never. And if I'm truly to give up, what better way to do so than in a way that ensures I'll forget doing it, have my determination renewed?
To change time... I'd be confining myself to my fate. Something I couldn't bring myself to do back in my world, when all my friends were alive. I'd be letting her win... take the victory that should be mine. A victory that lies on an empty philosophy, because that's what mine is if we can never both win. She would be happy, but she wouldn't be true.
I'm determined to win, but on my own terms alone. But determination is no substitute for love, because it can't make sacrifices. And I'm getting colder.
That's why I took over the world today. It was remarkably easy.
Perhaps the ponies wanted someone to follow... someone to protect them. I showed them my power. I showed them my mythical combination of horns and wings. I didn't show them my face, I didn't show them my heart, I didn't show them my sins and I didn't show them that they wouldn't be loved, yet still they bowed to me with enthusiasm. Funny how that turned out.
Mind you, I still haven't decided if I'm going to complete the loop and switch places again. I hate the idea of giving up. I'm all-powerful; I can just reset the world again if I need something changed. So far, I've lost the ability to love, but I haven't stopped fighting her final lesson... I haven't yet begun to hate. Maybe I could leave Starlight to her own devices this time. Perhaps I'd find my mark that way.
Either way, now that I have ponies at my beck and call, I might as well use them. I've sent my new armies out to aid me in the search for my Cutie Mark. Ironically, I already know what will happen: they'll find Starlight, and she'll beat them. They'll find nothing else. But what can I do? When forced to choose between looking where something isn't and not looking at all, which choice wouldn't mean giving up?
I know what I'm doing... yet I still wonder. Just because I can do something, does that mean I have to? What if I'm too stubborn for my own good? What if the reason we're stuck like this is because we don't give up until it's too late? Is there something better I could be doing with these ponies than sending them to their demise?
...No. That's dangerous thinking. I know perfectly well what I'm going to do: never give up. Even after it's too late, I'll keep going. This cycle can't continue if we never reset time, can it? Yes, I'm going to break this cycle... or at least see how far I can push it, just because I can.
I'm still going to win. I can make us all win, as long as I stay determined. Still, I feel a little colder.
Ponies are dying.
Even when I had friends, some part of me must have known I couldn't save everyone. Death is a natural part of life, after all. There were limits to what I could do, and I had to settle for good enough. It didn't feel like it at the time, but I must have known it. I had to have. What did I really think happened to ponies I spared and sent on their ways? That they went home, living happily ever after?
Not all ponies have a home to return to. Not all ponies have a happily ever after. I've seen it with my own eyes, unencumbered by the bonds of friendship and able to go where I please. I've followed ponies Starlight has spared, watched and seen for myself what happens to them. More often than not, their endings are no better than what would happen if she killed them herself. It's still possible to save them- I've tried and occasionally succeeded- but she doesn't understand what it takes. She doesn't understand that averting a bad ending isn't the same as having a good ending.
If I had known that when she made me reset the world, perhaps I could have done something differently. What a shame my perspective wouldn't allow me to apply that to her. The only reason I want her alive now is to prove her wrong... and because she's my warmth.
For that matter, what even is a happy ending? I know all about bad endings. A stallion, killed by bandits, leaving behind a mother and her newborn foals. A town falling to the wind because nobody cared enough to fix it in time. A friendship ending, two ponies unable to see past their differences. Anything that leaves no possibility to begin again.
But happy endings? After a bad ending, there is no possibility to right what was wronged. But even if a pony survives a battle, returns to see those they care about one more time, they're happy... but it's not an ending. It's merely a continuation.
I used to know what happy endings were. Perhaps once I learn to love again, I can remember. Until I find out, the best thing I can do is ensure there are no endings.
...That's not what I've been doing. I have blood on my hooves, more than enough. Be it directly or indirectly, I've been giving orders and commanding armies, and before that, following Starlight. That task wasn't bloodless either.
It doesn't hurt to remember this. I imagine it would if I got my Cutie Mark back. I'm covered in sin, and being able to feel it... I don't know how it would feel. But I imagine it would destroy me.
What can I do? Right now, I see the true extent of the world's suffering, but I can't see the answer. My old self knew the answer, but not the problem. Yet if I regained the ability to love? If I knew both the problem and the solution? Then I would lack the means to carry it out, being too encumbered by every way I've failed, everything I've done. It's a horrible feeling, knowing you are evil and not feeling bad for it.
There's nothing I can do, yet I'm the only pony who can do anything. I'm the only pony who understands how much help the world needs, yet I don't understand what I see. I am the world's help, and nothing in the world needs help more than me. I have no answers, but I'm never giving up. Hopefully, that will be enough.
If I fail... If I ever give up and switch places, I'd like to leave some sort of message for the next Princess, so that I can be her help.
Perhaps she left one for me. I should hurry to find it, because my heart is stilling, and I grow yet colder.
I've traveled far, into the colorless lands where no ponies roam. It's been terribly long since I saw Starlight and my last life, but I have to find something. Something that could survive time's destruction, something that could restore a memory from before this loop began. We survived, why couldn't something else? If I knew how this loop started, perhaps there I could find color. Perhaps the reason my Cutie Mark is missing is because I haven't gone far back enough.
I have no idea what kind of thing could survive the end of time, and yet I think I've found it.
It's a stone table, standing amidst the sands. Circular and prismatic, it's just as gray as the world around us, yet perfectly unmarred. In the sand around it are hoofprints, undisturbed despite the wind whipping around my mane. Yet when I use my magic on it, it feels... different.
The table is soulless, like something that once was alive and still is, only not. It feels exactly the way I recall her feeling when she asked me to hug her atop our tower.
Or did she? My memories are just as gray as the rest of me. I know something happened up there, so very long ago. I can't fathom why I would have tried to share my warmth with her for any reason, so it must have been a very good request. I think it would feel nice if she did that to me.
Regardless, this table isn't natural. It was once colorful, and had its color taken from it. I can feel lingering traces of magic in its depths, and some of it feels like mine. I've never seen this before, and she hasn't either... this time around. Something must have happened here in a past life, something so important it could survive the end of time... or perhaps there's a third Starlight. I wonder how one of those would play into this. Perhaps she has a Cutie Mark I could have.
I feel a plan forming in my mind as I sit there, pondering this soulless table and the things that might have brought it here, but I need to know for sure. I'm going to reset the world differently from last time, keeping my memories, ignoring Starlight. I'll come back here as fast as I can and I'll sit here, and I'll wait for something to happen. If whatever it is has already happened, I'll-
Something is wrong.
I don't know why, but suddenly I can't feel my body. I slump forward, seeing the table's edge dig into my shadowy fur, but all that's there is cold. A shred of panic flickers through my brain and I gasp, and I can hear that. I can still hear the wind. I can still see.
What's happening to me? I'm so numb, I've lost one of my senses. Ice crawls at the edge of my perception. I think I'm very cold, yet I can't feel it. I've lost something, but what's missing? What happened? I don't know...
I can't feel my heart.
I can't feel anything in it, any sparks brought about from the empty fullness of the Cutie Marks of my friends. I'd almost forgotten about those. I don't think I've thought about them in a long time. Why is that?
As best as I can, I remember, and it's a poor job. Didn't it used to be hard, holding them in? Didn't I have to struggle, to wrap my wings and legs around my chest at night for fear they'd leave me? Didn't I once drop my shadow cloak when I was sure I was alone and examine myself in a mirror, convinced I could see the marks floating around just below my coat?
I can't remember the last time I did something one of my friends loved, conscious and aware of the spark that flickered in my chest at the action. I can't remember the last time I stared at Starlight's friends from the shadows, wondering if there was truly a difference between them and the contents of my deadened heart. I can't remember the last time I tried to hold onto them. And I've been getting colder since the day I lost my soul.
I've lost my friends' Cutie Marks, and now I think I'm dying.
I cannot allow this to happen. Kicking against the table that has no more answers than I do, I force my hardening body into the air, wings beating stiffly against crystals of ice. I don't know what a good ending is, but I know what a bad ending is, and one is happening to me right now. I have to have no ending. I have to continue. I have to find Starlight.
I streak through the air on wings of darkness. The sand doesn't bother me. I can't feel it, even if it would. All I can feel is the ice, clawing at the edges of my muted senses, worming its way into my body like the sparks I somehow lost.
How did it happen? How did I forget what mattered to me most? How am I more upset about myself than I am about the marks? Didn't they matter to me for another reason, once? Why did I keep them in the first place, if not to survive? I can't remember. I have no time to remember. I'm flying, and I have to survive.
Starlight's camp is pitched far below. Circling downward, I draw near, seeing a great bonfire lit that all the ponies are congregating around.
...No. That's no bonfire, it's her. Starlight Glimmer is in the middle of a circle of ponies, and she's talking. I can see the color of their faces, illuminated by her own color radiating out from the fire of friendship. The fire that should be mine. The fire I'm dying without. I know this, I've felt myself slowing. I've felt the ice growing. I can feel my heart moving again, and whatever's in it isn't color.
I need my Cutie Mark back, right now. If I don't get it, I'm going to end. There's a way, I know what I can do. I can cast a spell, tell Starlight I'm going to destroy time. I can convince her to come to our tower, separate her from her friends. I can goad her into erasing time, into taking her friends' Cutie Marks and giving me hers. Everything will be reset, but I'll keep going. I'll survive.
I don't have time for that.
Like an angel of darkness, I plummet from the sky toward her, already charging a teleportation spell in my horn.
FLAAAAASH!
Starlight Glimmer is laying in the middle of the desert, sand tossing her mane in the air. Her friends are nearby, but she doesn't know where. It doesn't matter, because this is the end.
The end, and the beginning. Even in death, I'm never going to stop.
She stammers at me. "Y-You're the Princess of Time!"
Silly, foolish Starlight. Always stating the obvious. Ironic, isn't it, though, how I, the Princess of Time, am now out of time myself? If only I had realized in time. I don't give up, and that extends to her, as well. I should have realized something would force her to reset the world. I shouldn't have tried to be more stubborn than my own self. I shouldn't have fought with infinity.
Now, I'll have to make do with something else. This isn't how the end happened for me, but the pieces are still there. I give her a dagger. I give her my wings. I get her mark, she takes her friends' marks, we go back in time and try everything again, hoping something will be different. I can still make this work.
Without answering her, I drop my shadow cloak. I'm even more shocked at my appearance than she is; where once I was gray, I'm now black. Summoning a mirror in my magic, my horn appears cracked, perhaps shriveled. So are my hooves. My wings are so thin and featherless, I can almost see through them. My fur appears burned, almost as if the hairs are melting together. And I still have no Cutie Mark.
I shiver. As numb as I am, I can only imagine the cold.
"Starlight, help..." I croak out.
Concern is evident in her eyes. The light she exudes, it's real. How could I ever have thought the determination I gave her is fake? The love she can feel, it's the only thing in this world that is real. It's a love every pony can feel, and I'm not one of them. Without a soul, I'm not a pony any more... but she is one. I'm dying, but I've finally won.
Her voice cracks, and I can hear panic. "What do I do?"
I'm not sure I can last even another minute.
"You hug me..."
Suddenly, I'm engulfed by an inferno of color. Light blazes into my eyes, chroma I haven't seen since my memories went gray. A pony is holding me without question; where her legs and body touch me, I can feel again. I feel stabs of pain, stabs of existence. I feel the full weight of the ice that surrounds me, but I can feel. I'm being loved.
She's trying to save me. Unconditionally, knowing that I've been hunting her... but without knowing everything else I've done. Without knowing or caring how many times she's failed before. Only because I asked.
An emotion gnaws on me I haven't felt in a long time, and it's remorse. I'm sorry I can't love her back.
She pulls back after a long time, and I look at myself. Half gray and half black, the silhouette of a pony touching me is scorched into my fur, restoring me to my original lack of color. It's as if a bomb went off, painting everything I was black, and the only places that survived were the ones she shielded with her body.
I'm so cold, but I can feel the cold. I can stand. I can survive a little while longer.
"Starlight, listen," I begin. "I have a lot to tell you, and not much time."
She listens. Good pony.
"All this time, I've been hiding from you..." I stop to cough. It's hard not to, when you have ice in your throat. "I've been hiding what it really takes to have a happy ending. I haven't told you because I don't know... and the truth is, we've failed."
She tilts her head in confusion, brow furrowing. I don't think she trusts me.
"There's an answer, and I can't find it. I need your Cutie Mark, Starlight. I need it to know how to save the world, and to stay alive myself. For longer than I can remember, I've been without one. I'm dying without it. Help me, Starlight!"
She's not convinced. "Princess, I... What are you talking about? Haven't I been doing only what you taught me to? And why do you look like that? What happened to you?"
I realize she can't even tell that I once looked like her. That could be a problem.
"Listen!" I say. "It doesn't matter! You believe in happy endings! I believe in happy endings, but so far, all I've been able to achieve is no ending! That's all the world will come to. It's all it's been coming to for longer than either of us know. There's a time loop, Starlight. I can tell you what I've found, give you the knowledge in advance that could help you break it and save everyone, but first, I need to survive. I'm dying, Starlight."
Now I have her attention. Her mouth hangs open as she formulates a question. "A time loop? Wha...?"
I nod, holding out the scroll in my telekinesis for her to take. "Yes. I am you. You are me. I've lived your life before, and you're going to live mine, unless things change. There's a spell, one I have, that resets time to the point where our memories begin. Like the one I taught you, only for much, much longer periods of time. We trade my wings for your mark. One of us loses their memories, and the other guides them until we run out of love and reset everything again. That's how things have happened, but we can stop it! We can push forward just a little more, find out what happens next, learn how to bring about the future of this world so long as we survive, and for that I need your Cutie Mark. Please, Starlight. You have to give it to me."
"I can remove my own Cutie Mark?" she asks, eyes wide as she accepts the spell. "Why do you need it? Don't you have one of your own? Why mine? What would that even do?"
"Ngghh..." I groan, partially from the cold and partially from her obstinance. Why won't she trust me?
"I need it because without a Cutie Mark, I can't understand," I say. "I don't know how to save the world. I know the problem with my experience. You can find the solution with your love. If I get both, I can do it."
She looks taken aback, so I hurriedly elaborate. "Don't worry! I'll take good care of your friends for you. I'll stick around you, too, and ensure that you never have to be without love, the way I've been. I know what it's like, Starlight..."
Now she looks conflicted. I might be getting somewhere.
"My wings for your mark, Starlight," I say. "Trust me. Please, please trust me. I promise I'll take good care of you. I'll never give up, you know that. This is the only way we can give everyone a happy ending..."
The part of me that remembers thinks I once would feel bad for deceiving her like this. Honestly, I will take care of her- but I hardly have any intentions for after that. The gray portions of my fur are blackening again. My senses are fading, and once more I can feel the ice begin to move in my heart, where my friends' marks belong. It doesn't matter what I do next, whether I give her my role or keep her as-is. I need that mark.
"...Okay. I trust you. What do I do?"
Now it's my turn to be taken aback. She gave up so easily? Why would she willingly let herself lose? I thought I was way more determined than that. The old me would have stopped at nothing to get a happy ending. I still won't.
"You just need to remove your own mark, and give it to me..."
I feel myself enveloped in brightness. It's the light of my own horn, and it fills my wings. I like being an alicorn, but something about this feels right. I don't care one bit about the pony in front of me, but I will, soon. I remember what it's like to care. My faded memories tell me keeping my word, giving a trade is something a pony who cares about another would do. Even if I don't love her, I know how to pretend I do. And knowledge and determination are all I have.
She's enveloped, too. I see her Cutie Mark burning in the air, moving closer to me. I can't wait. I dive for it.
FLAAAAASH!
I open my eyes. I can see color.
Not the world, of course. It's as gray as it's always been, as is the pony writhing in the dust in front of me. I'm talking about my memories. Countless recollections damaged by gray are flooding into my mind, visions of endings I've given. I see the lights in the eyes of the ponies I sent out to fight and search, I see the hopes and dreams of the ponies Starlight fought off. I see my own, distant past, when I had love and no knowledge, and I see the ponies I righteously left to their own demise, believing the end I gave them was happy.
The ice is still there, though it's a different kind. Color has returned to my coat, but it's still muted with gray. One by one, the sins I've committed parade across my world, those I committed out of knowledge without love and out of love without knowledge. Now I have both, and I can't bear it. I thought these were what I'd need to save the world, yet I was wrong. They can't exist together.
No, I thought of that. Didn't I? I knew this would happen. Bitterness tinges my tongue; I smirk to myself. At last, I can love again, and all I feel is pain. It's a good thing I'm good at not feeling anything, because I think I'll have to do it a little while longer.
Blackness stabs at my vision. It's Starlight, and she's shivering and crying.
Realization burns in my mind: she has no Cutie Marks to keep her warm. When I gave away mine, I had already absorbed those of my friends. They must have kept me safe, prevented me from succumbing to the cold even if I could feel no love. But her? She has nothing.
My legs move of their own accord. Kneeling to the ground, I hug her, like we've done for each other countless times before.
She stays there in my embrace, shivering. The blackness creeping along her gray coat slows slightly, and eventually stops, but she can't go on. Neither of us can move from this spot. I don't want to, anyway. It's too heavy.
Something has to be done, though. If I let her freeze, it will surely hurt, I know that much. Reaching again into my memories, pointedly ignoring the colorful, dead faces and their laughter, I remember how to activate my Cutie Mark. I can feel our friends not far away, to my surprise. We must truly be the same pony. I reach with my magic, but I'm no longer an alicorn. They're too far away.
Still cradling my freezing alicorn self, I teleport into her camp.
Ears perk upon our arrival. Ponies are scattered around the center of the camp, faces I recognize as once belonging to my friends. They're confused, concerned, angry. Some are readying for battle. But I can feel them with my Cutie Mark- my mark, back where it belongs- and they're all here. Every one of them is now in my range.
Voices call. Voices that raise more memories in my mind. They want to know what happened. They want to know if I'm okay. They want to know who I'm holding, and why she looks slightly like me.
They think I'm her.
Odd. I have a memory, somewhere, of wishing I had killed her and went on with my life, living with my friends and my mark and the knowledge that I couldn't save everyone. Well, here I am now, and all I'd have to do is flick the dagger in my grasp and be done with it.
I'm not tempted at all. My Cutie Mark burns, and the separation begins.
The friends with faces like mine step back in confusion, unsure of what I'm doing. They ask my name, hesitation building in their voices. I tear off a mark. Rip!
Gasps. I see fear beginning to bubble up in those wells of color. Someone points a hoof as I obtain another mark, and another. Panic is rising. A pony runs up to me and shakes my shoulders, asking me to stop, telling me I'm not myself. I can't bring myself to meet their eyes, shoving them away with a blast of telekinesis, relieving them of their mark in the process.
Terror. Betrayal. The first to lose are already turning black, just like Princess Starlight beneath me. Another memory surges its way to the surface and I indulge, powerless to stop it. I'm in the air, hanging beneath a portal, rending my friends of their marks with alicorn magic. I know what I'm doing, yet I can't see their faces. I can't see the pain I'm inflicting.
Well, this time I can, and it's the first thing I feel. Much as I try to repress it, my new heart screams at me, telling me this is wrong. This is what I was afraid of, this is why I can't go on like this: I must save Starlight. I know this to be right, if I don't, she'll freeze. Yet how can something I know to be right feel so wrong?
Somewhere in here, between the contradiction of knowledge and love, there's an answer. There must be, yet all I can find is pain... so I keep going through my tears. To be paralyzed by indecision now would mean certain failure.
Time passes, and the air deadens. I can't feel any more marks. I can't feel anything... until a powerful hoof smashes into my chest from below, sending me flying. Before I can even clear my vision, I feel wind beginning to gather my body and lift me up, out of the world.
I'm laying in that alley again. Tears cloud my eyes. I know what I've done was the right thing, but it hurts.
Why? I preferred having no mark to this. When I was blank, I felt nothing but hunger. I remembered how good it felt to have a Cutie Mark, how good it felt to love... but now that I have it again, those seem to be empty memories. Where is my color? Why does everything hurt? Is there something I forgot? Now that I can love, I should be perfect, yet this is no perfection. I should be so full, yet I'm just as empty as when I ran out of sparks. I wish somepony would teach me how to love again.
A shadow rises above me.
"I hate you," her voice snarls. "I hate you!"
Of course she does. She can't love without a Cutie Mark, after all. Perhaps... neither can I, even with one. Plenty of bad ponies have marks of their own, don't they? I know what she's going to do, and I wish she'd get it over with. Maybe without these memories, I can find my way.
"I trusted you!" Princess Starlight yells, kicking me with a hoof. She's entirely gray, no traces of icy black or living pink remain. "I tried to help you! You were in trouble, you said you needed me! Who am I supposed to trust if not the pony who gave me everything in the first place? Huh!?"
I don't deserve to respond. What if that wasn't love? I'm just as broken as she is, and I still don't know what's missing. I thought I found it, and it's only hurt us all.
"Well, ha ha," she growls dangerously. "You've taken away everything I've ever cared about, former princess. So I did the same! You've lost your empire, you've lost your powers, and I'm still not satisfied. I need vengeance... I hate you, and that's not enough. It burns, and I'm so cold... Why didn't you tell me?"
Whatever she's about to do, she's right.
Suddenly, I'm slammed against a far wall. Pain flashes through my body, physical pain. I'm unused to pain that burns, and it's a curious sensation... but decidedly unpleasant. It's not love or hatred, but I probably deserve it.
Flash! I'm right back where I started, and the pain is gone.
"That worked, did it?" she muses, strolling out again into view. "I think I like this. You think it's funny to come into someone's life, betray them, rob them, kill all their friends right before their eyes?"
Pain lances through my body again, but before my vision can even begin to fade- Flash! I'm back where I started.
She smirks down into my face. "Well, guess what? Now that I have your powers, I can use this spell all I want without getting tired! So I think I'm going to sit here forever and kill you over and over. If you're lucky, I'll be sated eventually... Too bad I'm so determined!"
I'm sent flying. The crunch barely has time to register before I'm flashed back where I began.
Princess Starlight has no words for me this time, merely raucous laughter as projectiles soar toward my prone body. I could move, get out of the way, but I don't even try. Flash!
She frowns. I'm carried up, up, up into the sky, winds shredding at my face, and then brought back down with the force of an anvil at just the wrong angle.
The light of the flash hasn't even cleared from my eyes before I begin to burn, magical lightning wracking my near-carcass. Flash!
She's panting, though not from exhaustion. This time, I'm kicked, though it's more to force me to look at her.
"Why aren't you screaming!?" She kicks me again, then grinds my horn along a wall in a shower of sparks before resetting again. "Why aren't you struggling? Stop making this boring! What happened to your determination? Are you just going to let me sit here and keep killing you?"
She stops for a moment, clearly expecting me to answer, so I do. "I give up."
"What?" She throws something at me, though it's a halfhearted attempt. It misses me by a mile.
"I do," I say. "I'm sorry. You had love, you had friends... and I had neither. I wanted them, but I didn't know this would happen. I didn't know I had forgotten how to love, even if I can... and now neither of us have either. I'm sorry."
Princess Starlight fumes. There's something on her mind, but she doesn't move.
"I just wanted to save ponies and earn happy endings," I continue. "Everything I taught you was the truth... except I didn't know how to actually do that. I wanted to find out, I... Now neither of us know."
"Happy endings..." She shudders. "This is your idea of a happy ending, is it? This is the best you can manage?"
She doesn't give me time to reply. "So it was all a lie, then? You built me up for an ideal, and your ideal couldn't face reality? Now that gives me an idea."
I meet her eyes. At last, I think I know what she's thinking.
"I'm going to swap our places," Princess Starlight announces as if it's the most original idea in the world. "I'm going to make you put me and your precious happy endings on the biggest pedestal you can imagine. And in the end, when your ego is the size of the world like you made mine, I'm going to tear it down with exactly as much mercy as you showed my friends! You think killing my friends to my face is funny? I'm going to force you to do exactly the same to yours, only this time, you won't even get to live with the knowledge that you got to see them die."
The spell is already building in her horn.
Do I say something, here at the end? She can't hear me either way. I open my mouth, but it's too late for anything but acceptance.
"I still love y-"
FLAAAAASH!
