Messa Little Gungan, Poop Jokes are Magicby Dez KeizChaptersA Face Only Lucas Could Love.Bombad PonyOuch TimePrized BountyA Face Only Lucas Could Love.Author's Note WTF? If you willingly clicked on this fic you must be new to my page. If you have yet to read, "Oh Hia Cutie Mark." Then you have no idea what you are in for. At least read the comments to find out why being here is a mistake. If you have read "Oh Hia Cutie Mark" and are willingly reading this, I would suggest that you seek mental help as no sane person would read that torture method and then continue onto something like this. But hey, your suffering is my pleasure. A Face Only Lucas Could Love. The shadow of a Imperial Star Destroy cast it's dark shadow of shadowy darkness over the grasslands and forrest of Naboo. The sound of screaming TIE fighters roared across the lands with the might of a thing that is mighty. Small animals ran for cover as Imperial transport craft landed in the fields. Stormtroopers marched out of the transports and began to search the perimeter for any threats. An Imperial Shuttle Landed and out stepped a man in an high ranking officer's uniform stepped out. The stormtroopers saluted him as a trooper in commander armor walked up to him. "Welcome to Naboo Moff Stew Pid-Naim." Spoke the Commander. The Moff, seemingly unitrested, replied with,"Yes yes, how go the preparations?" "Very well sir, we have encountered no issues and we have been operating smoothly." As the commander spoke those words a stormtrooper tripped over a rock and accidentally fired his gun. The blast hit another stormtrooper who let out a wilhelm scream. Pid-Naim looked at the dead stormtrooper and sighed,"Just begin construction." Over the next few days a hidden base would be contsructed within the Naboo forrest. It would be heavily gaurded as it was built to hide a dark secret. The native gungans were weary to this but decided not to interfere as they were cowards. Whent the base was complete it was subject to constant guard rotations. In the middle of the day two stormtroopers stood on top of the gate enterance to the base. These two were JK68 and JK70. This particular legion of stormtroopers has no JK69 designation as the rest of the stormtroopers giggled whenever a surperior would call that designation out. JK68 looked to JK70 and said,"Hey." "Yeah." JK70 replied. "Do you ever wonder why we're here?" "Because our shift has us stand guard here at this time." "Oh yeah," JK68 looked down than back to JK70 "wait what are we guarding?" "I don't know man, something top secret." "Like what?" "I don't know, that's why it's a secret." "Oh, maybe it's a birthday present for the Emperor." "Yeah, sure." About ten minutes of silence passes then JK68 feels the need to speak again. "Man this is borring." "Yeah well," Yawned JK70, "It's a job man." "Ya know, my cousin says he is gonna be on some fancy new space station. Says it supposed to be secret but not really." "If it's secret then why did he tell you?" "I guess you can't really hide a giant station." "Good point, but come on, out here in nature, much better than some cramped space station." "They are going to have a pool." "So what, Naboo has an entire lake." "Fuck that, JK34 went swimming last week while on break and contracted some horrible flesh eating bacteria." "Well, that station still can't beat the open air of na-" "They have a theatre too." "Really? Damn our position does suck." "And the station is probably safer too, I bet something that defended can fight off any rebel attack." JK70 started laughing, "Ooooh look it me I'm a little X-Wing I think I can take on the Empire." JK68 made starfighter noises, "Woosh woosh, cover me, Im gonna destory the big sation with just my little fighter." "Man we need to request a transfer, I bet nothing bad will ever happen to the guys on that thing." Unknown to the two troopers they were being watched from the trees. A tall and slender Gungan spied on them. He stood up from his perch on a tree branch but quickly fell down and rolled across the bushes and right to the gate. He got up and looked at the stormtroopers. "Hello," It spoke, "Can yousa let messa in, messa need to use yousa toilet to make icky icky goo." The two stormtroopers looked at each other. JK68 pointed his gun at him, "Do we shoot it?" "I don't know man, I think we take it prisoner." Suggested JK70. "I want to shoot it." JK68 fired a shot at the creature, who was standing still, and missed. He fired a few more times continuing to miss. He lowered his gun. "Fuck it, take him prisoner." The two escorted him into the base, since they did not know what to do with him they looked for the highest ranking officer, who happened to be the Moff. They somehow ended up getting into a guarded room simply by telling the guards it was a prisoner trasnfer. The room has several computers and power generators in it all hooked up to a circular arch in the center of the room. The two presented the prisoner to the Moff. The Moff looked at the prisoner and then at the two stormtroopers. "Why did you bring me this...thing?" The Moff asked? The Gungan looked at the Moof,"They-sa take me to use yousa toilet." "And just who are you." "Oh, Messa Jar Jar Binks." (I threw up a little after writting that sentence.) "You two idiots, you should not have brought him here, we are about to experiment." "What experiment?" asked JK70. "Since you will likely be executed I see no harm in telling you." Pid-Niam looked at the arch,"We are creating a portal, this will allow the Empire to go to other dimensions to aquire their weapons and technology for ourselves. We won't just be a Galactic Empire, we will be a cross Dimensional Empire. Multiple realities will be ours to control. We will be unstopable and conquer all that oppos-" In the middle of the speech Jar Jar slipped away and made his icky icky goo all over the arch, power generators, and computers. This somehow caused everythiing to get all fucked up and start exploding. Suddenly a bright light formed in the arch and expanded sucking in all contents of the room as well as a few troopers. The base began to collapse in on itself. Speeder bikes, TIE fighters, walkers, and other equipment was sucked in. Soon the Moff, Jar Jar, JK68 and JK70 were all sucked in. The light exploded leaving only the arch it orignated in. ___________ Pinkie Pie and Apple Jack sat at Sweet Apple Acres watching the clouds. The peace was disturbed by a several flashed of white in the sky. A white rift seemd to tear across the heavens and land somewhere in the Everfree. Other shots of light went into the desert. All the light shots seemed to be coming from a swirling portal in the sky which disappeared. Pinkie Pie turned to AJ and asked,"Apple Jack, did a portal to another universe just open...again?" AJ sighed, "It sure did." "And has our spelling and grammar been severely redueced?" "Yup." "Which means." "Yup, it's another Dez Keiz fanfiction." "Ah fuck." Bombad PonyAuthor's Note Before reading this please ensure that your brain cells are updated with the lastest anti-stupidity software. Your brain maybe at risk for malware. Bombad Pony JK68 and JK70 woke up to find themselves changed. As per the norm of these fics, they were ponies. Somehow the armor changed with them and was able to fit their new form. They looked to see a grey unicorn with a white mane glarring at them in anger. By the uniform they could tell it was the MOFF. The MOFF walked over and hit them both on the back of the head. "Idiots!" He shouted, "This is all your fault." The two struggled to explain themselves but Stew Pid-Naim would have none of it. "Be silent idiots. You are to come with me and find the rest of the legion." They were in a desert and they began to walk. They passed some destroyed vehicles and dead bodies until they came across a small group of toopers that set up camp in damaged AT-AT. They were quick to begin repairs and see if they could get the walker going again. Meanwhile in Canterlot a messenger pony ran into Celestia's throne room. His life was cut short when a guard chucked a spear into his chest. The guard exclaimed proudly. "I killed the intruder. You are safe now your highness." Celestia facehooef and commented, "Yes, you did...only one small problem...he was a royal messenger. He is supposed to be here!" "Oopsy." "Just bring me the note he was carrying." "Should I kill the note too?" "Just bring me the damn note!" The guard gave her the note and she read it, yet again facehoofing. "Me Dammit! Another one of these cross universe invasion fan fic cross overs. I am still recovering from the last one." "The one with the kid and a giant key, or the one with the bad actor?" Asked a red stallion with a short blonde mane as he stepped into the room. His pegasus wings were broken and jagged, and there was a large scar across his face. His cutie mark was a razor lodged into a the eye socket of a pony skull. This edge lord was Commander Sargent Dark Star. He was apointed as a high officer in the royal guard and was brought in to whip Equestria's military into shape. When he was just a foal he saw his parents and entire village get killed by fire demon bunnies. Legend has it that he cried blood and when the blood it the ground it burned through it. He vowed revenge on the bunnies and gathered up a elite strike team that involved a reformed female dragon who he fell in love with and she was the only one who made him happy, a burglar who was a wise cracker and a flirt with the mares, traveling hero who hates injustice and did not get along witht the burglar but they had a funny dynamic, and pony who was an elite archer in the Equestrian Border Patrol. Sadly they all died in the final battle against the evil bunnies, but Dark Star was able to slay the evil bunnies and make then extinct. He wandered alone a depressed for 4 years after loosing his love and only friends. He was offered a position in the Canterlot Guard, but he only took it for the money and to give meaning to his sad life. Wow, edgy. Now where were we, oh yeah the plot. Celestia looked to the Commander Sargent, "Get your forces ready, a large military force has been spotted in the desert. They seem hostile." Dark Star looked at Celestia with serious eyes, "It will be done your highness. But not even an army can stop my pain." "Just do it already." "Yes your highness," He bowed his head and left the room. Meanwhile, again. In the Everfree Forest. A hideous being walked in the woods, it had the body of a pony, all tan. The eyes came out from the head on short antenie like apendages. It had a cutie mark, that of a turd pile. The creature possesed no ears, in their place were weird fin like flaps of skin going down almost like dreadlocks. The creature looked into a lake to see it's reflection. "Oh No! Messa a pony!" It shouted. Jar Jar fell back with a shock landing in a pile of shit. He rolled in it for a couple minutes before walking away. After some time walking he reached ponyville. After exploring the town, and accidentally setting fire to several buildings including an orphanage he met up with the mane 6, Spike, and Starlight Glimmer. Allow me to save you the pain of characters you already know introducing themselves by simply skipping over that part. See my fan fics aren't that bad. Okay they are, but whatever. They brought Jar Jar to Celestia, upon examining him she stated. "Oh fuck another one, why is this shit always brought to me. Fucking shit. I mean really. Why me. I have to deal with the stresses of running a kindgom hear, and these fucking cross universe fan-fic writters need to bring me into this shit. I have fucking god like powers, I should not be subject to some losers in their mother's basements writting about fucking ponies and their self insert, cross universe, shipping trash. Fuck this, sorry Twilight, you are on your own. I can not help you here. Especially not with that...thing." She cringed pointing a hoof at Jar Jar. Twilight looked to Celestia in confusion, "But Celestia, how this different than how you normally don't do anything?" Celestia sighed,"Fuck...look. Some foriegn assholes are invading, and I sent a captain edgelord to deal with them. I am not in the mood." "How do you know they are invading? I have seen no signs of attack." "Have you heard their fucking theme music, that is some high quality John Williams shit right there, that does well to create a sense of fear from an overwhelming hostile force." "Oh oh oh," Jar Jar yelled jumping up and down. Celestia rolled her eyes, "Yes Jar Jar?" "Messa know them, they'sa the Galactic Empire. They'sa very bad, will shoot yoosa friends on sight. As the ponies talked Super Sargent Commander Dark Star was on the front with some guards facing down a AT-ST and a group of stormtroopers. The Edgelord grabbed a mega-phone. "Attention assholes, leave now or suffer great pain, but it will never be as bad as the pain of my tragic back story." Stew Pid-Naim came on the coms, "For the love of Tarkin shoot him before he says his backstory!" The troopers opened fire as Dark Star began his backstory. "It all started when I was little foal-" Shoots fired around him and his men as he went on with his long and tragic back story. A few of his men ran around in confusion, as they became moving targets running ins a circle, it became harder for the troopers to shoot them. Observing the battle from a distance away via holo-gram or whatever Stew Pid-Naim sighed, "This is gonna be a long invasion." Ouch TimeAuthor's Note The Following Chapter has been digitally remastered in CGI for your viewing displeasure. Ouch Time Dark Star had just finished delivering his back story. Both sides have suffered only one casualty. The Royal Guard's loss was a guard who got hungry and tried to eat his spear. The Imperial loss was a stormtrooper who could not take the back story anymore. The stormtrooper tried several times to shoot himself in the head, but kept missing. He gave up on that idea and killed himself with a thermal detinator instead. But the death rate would soon grow. The driver of the AT-ST had fallen asleep and leaned forward onto the controls cuasing the vehicle to walk forward. It stepped on and killed a guard. This promted Dark Star to order the attack. The Equestrians charged the Imperials with spears and sticks, which unfortunately for the stormtroopers was their greatest weakness. Well, that and a target moving into the area that should be their peripheral vision. The fighting continued and pegasi flew over the land to scout for enemy postions. Not wanting to be spotted, Pid-Naim ordered TIE fighters to intercept. An elite squad of 4 ace pilots flew into action, lead by the feared pilot Itu Lo. The scream of the TIE fighters sounded in the air inspiring fear in all those who opposed it. The MOFF went on the coms. "Shoot them all down," He ordered. "Yes sir," replied Itu Lo, "But there is one problem." "Problem! What kind of problem!" "I don't know how to fly this thing using hooves." The TIE squad began to fly erratically. Two of them crashed into each other. Another crashed into a AT-AT. Itu Lo tried to control his and kept the fighter up for a while, long enough to accidentally fly all the way to Manehattan, however he lost control and the TIE flew into a fashion design building. News Reports came up all around Equestria. Several believed the attacks to be from Saddle Arabia. Celestia made a statement in public with the Mane 6, Spike, Starlight, and Jar Jar behind her. "My Fellow Equestrians," She stated in a proud voice. "Upon my order we shall begin attacks on the Imperial camps in our land." As she gave the speech Jar Jar took a shit on the stage. Guards tried to stop him but he dodged them and they began to trip over one another and fall in poop piles. Celestia continued her speech and ended with "They will pay for their actions, we will get oil, I mean revenge, and save ourselves from this threat. Me bless Equestria." Ponies cheered her name. One pony in the crowd spoke up. He was a fat light blue stallion with a messy red mane, broken glasses, and a tin foil hat cutie mark. He said. "It was an inside job! Ion engines can't melt steel beams!" Celestia sighed and shot him with a bolt of magic sending him to the moon. She looked up,"Okay Dez Keiz, enough with the 9/11 jokes!" Jar Jar looked to Celestia,"Let Messa help in big fightings. Messa can help yousa soldiers." "You?" she laughed,"You would get yourself ki-" Celestia paused and thought to herself, "Holly shit, he might get himself killed." She had to let him fight. "On second thought," She said to the Gungan."Go ahead." "Yipeee! Messa a soldier!" Celestia ordered Twilight and company to go as well to see what they can learn about the Empire. Spike and Starlight would remain in Canterlot to help Celestia fight off consipracy theorist. Back on the command AT-AT JK68 and JK70 looked to the MOFF. "Sir?" asked JK68. "What are we looking for?" Stew Pid-Naim replied, "I believe a ship may have been sucked in. If so it maybe what we need to gain an upper hand, or erm hoof. These ponies have shown they can use magic, perhaps it is conected to the force. Either way, it is stopping our walkers. Our only true advantage is in the air, but so few of our pilots have figured out how to fly using hooves." JK70 spoke,"I don't think anything larger than an AT-AT came in sir." "You don't think at all you idiot," Snapped the MOFF "Although it may not be a Star Destroyer we should have access to a Victory-II class frigate. Even that should be enough to conquer these primative folk." JK68 cheered,"Yeah, how can the Empire ever loose to something cute and primative." ' On the front Jar-Jar and the others joined Dark Star. Jar Jar began to speak with Dark Star. "By Celestia," he said to himself, "This is far more painful than my backstory." They decided to split up amongst the trenches, Fluttershy would stay out of the battles and serve as a medic, Twilight would also stay out as she would stay at the command HQ to work with intellegence officers. Dash and Pinkie would preform recon, Dash from the air, and Pinkie with her many disguises. Dark Star wanted the remaining four to split into teams of two, who would lead pincer movents. Almost immediately AJ ran to Dark Star's side. "I choose him!" she stated. Command Sargent Major 1st class Esquire Dark Star sighed, "The last time a mare got this close to me she died, I don't want to risk falling in love and feeling that pain again, but if my duty requires it than I shall." Jar Jar laughed,"Yousa said doody." Rarity soon realized she was stuck with the Gungan. She held back insulting him and they paired up. The teams went to their ordered destinations. Jar Jar and Rarity lead a group of soldiers to the east side of the pincer. Having a few actual soldiers among them from the Equestrian Army raised the morale of the guards. The Army actually knew how to fight relatively well, some were even allowed to carry guns, weapons reserved for non morons. Still, there were those in the Army who have the same intelligence as guards, as a result they were given standard spears. The guns that were in service were either black powder or used an early breach loading system. Even tanks were avialable to those who could pass some IQ test. The tanks were armored boxes on train like wheels, usually they had only a single ball round cannon. Now that we got the annoying tech stuff out of the way, let's get on with the story before the fourth wall takes any more critical hits. Jar Jar and Rarity's group went from trench to trench fighting off occasional Imperial patrols. The land was full of muck and Jar Jar's feces. The group reached a rather clear trench, when Rarity ordered them all to duck down. An AT-ST was walking by. They were quick to hide from the walker and observed it at is patrolled the area. They remained in the trench in silence waiting for the metal beast to pass by. Dark Star and Apple Jack lead a more aggresive charge on the west side. AJ was even granted permission to use a breach action rifle. Dark Star himself had special guns. Dual pistols that fired razor blades. The pistols themelves also had knives attached to them. As Dark Star fought his way through stormtroopers it began to rain, it reminded him of his tragic life. They climbed a hill to get a scope of the battlefield, on top of the hill Dark Star began to brood. As he was brooding a stormtooper snuck up on him. Before the trooper could deliver the kill, Apple Jack fired a round into his neck killing him. Dark Star looked into Apple Jack's eyes. "You saved my life," He said in a serious tone, "I am in your debt, you are a goddess. I am not worthy of you." AJ looked on in cofusion,"Uh...ok." "I know you may have feelings for me." "I don't." "But you should forget them, loving me will only bring pain, you can't fix me." "But I-" "Save your wods, although you are beautiful you deserve better than me." At this moment AJ's gun was looking very friendly. At HQ Fluttershy tended to the wounded, most of which were self inflicted through accidents. She was helping a young guard out of bed. "Now," she said to him,"What have we learned?" The guard looked down and replied, "Barbed wire is not spaghetti." "Good, have a gold star sticker." She placed it on him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Now go win the war." He ran out in exciment and soon found himself in combat, however due to his gold star sticker an Imperial marksmen mistook him for a high ranking officer and in a surprising act of good aim, shot him in the head. Twilight was working with the intel officers, however intelligence seemed to be a relative term here. Several times she slammed her head on the table unable to cope with the idiocy around her. Behind enemy lines Dash made her recon flights, snapping pictures with a camera the military provided her with. Pinkie was able to steal the uniform of a Stormtrooper and Infiltrate their rank. Using her Pinkie sense she could tell when she was at risk of being discovered and would act to prevent that. Back in the east trench Rarity and Jar Jar's group remained hidden. Jar Jar's eyes widened and he spoke. "Uh oh." Rarity looked to him with concern, "What wrong?" "Messa sorry." "Sorry about w-" Before she could finish Jar Jar released a massive fart, the trench filled with the deadly gas as soldiers struggled for their mask. To make matters worse the AT-ST crew heard the loud breach of sound and walked it over to the trench where it took aim into the gas cloud. Prized BountyAuthor's Note Disney was not interested in buying the rights to this story so I showed it to Sony. They said. "Even we have standards." Prized Bounty Pid-Naim's AT-AT walked on the outskirts of the Everfree, the radar beeped continuously with the spaces between each beep lessening quickly. They stopped when the beeping became uninterrupted. The AT-AT was now in front of a Victory II Frigate. The ship was in good shape, but in the event hostiles were in it the MOFF ordered JK68 and JK70 to check it out. They repelled down from the armored transport and went into the ship through an escape pod hatch. The two checked the halls and corridors of the ship. They saw nothing but a few rats. They made their way to the bridge. They checked the bridge and saw nothing. With their work done, the duo decided to mess around a bit. They turned on the ship's intercom system and began to belch and fart into it. Unknown to them something was moving towards the bridge. Jar Jar and Rarity's were frozen with fear as the AT-ST aimed down that them. "Oh whatever shall we do!" Rarity screamed as she fainted in fear and landed in a pile of Jar Jar's icky icky goo. As it got ready to fire two razer blades flew into the view ports. One razor in each port. This killed both Imperials inside the walker. Dark Star charged in and jumped into the trench checking on the group. Jar Jar looked at him with shock. "How did yousa know we was in big troubles?" Inuired the Gungan. "I just knew," replied the Sargent Major Commander Sous Chef as he knelt down to Rarity. She awoke to see the dark handsome stallion. "Oh my hero." She said looking into his eyes. "I am no hero, I have to much darnkess to be a hero. And do not try and love me, I....am to damaged." Apple Jack mutters under her breath, "Yeah, damaged in the head." Rarity did not break away her gaze,"Let me try and fix you, I can guide you to the light." "It's too late for that," Dark Star looked down and closed his eyes. "You see ever since I was a foal..." "Oh dear Celestia I cannot take hearing his backstory again!" A soldier cried out, taking his rifle, putting it in his mouth, and ending his suffering. Back on the bridge of the frigate JK68 and JK70 were notified to to the nearby presence when they were alerted via proximity alarm. They turned their attention to the doors, guns drawn. The doors opened to reveal a pony in yellow Mandalorian armor. "Lower your guns," He said in a badass voice, "I have no fight with you, unless of course you wish to die." JK68 lookd to JK70, "Dude, this guy is bad ass." JK70 nodded in agreement,"I know, I think I just creamed." They lowered their weapons and then got contacted by the MOFF. "How is the ship, did you morons find anything?" He asked in a frustrated voice. "Y-yes sir," replied JK68, "I think we have someone you may want to meet." Pid-Naim boarded the ships and went to the bridge accompanied by four stormtroopers. He examined the Mandalorian and then spoke. "Who are you?" barked the MOFF. "The name, is Po Zer." replied the badass. "And what are you doing on this ship?" "I was sucked through the portal when your little accident happened, found myself wherever we are, and used this ship for survival." "And what were you doing at my base!" "I needed to use to can, I would've taken a shit in the forest but that seems to attract Gungans." "How did you get passed the guards." "I threw a rock, and they got distracted by it." Pid-Naim facehoofed, "Fucking morons." "Yeah, they are." "And just what is it that you do for a living." "I'm a motha fucking bounty hunter biatch. My skills include naming weapons, having cool looking stuff, talking a deep voice, and standing in the background looking cool but not actually doing anything. Usually I cross my arms, but with my body changed I can't exactly do that." "You seem to have skills that we need, and I am guessing you wish to kill whoever is responsible for this?" "Indeed I do." "I know who did it, it was a Gungan, help us find and kill him, as well as figure out a way back to our dimension so that we may send for a larger army to conquer this land. Once back, we shall pay you well. "I accept, shall we discuss payment?" "Right, come with me." The MOFF leaves the bridge and signals his guards to follow. Po Zer walked slightly behind them so he would look cooler. JK68 and JK70 looked to one another. "Well," Spoked JK68, "Now what?" More stormtroopers entered the bridge, once of them wore the orange shoulder pad of an officer. "Now," He looked at the two with a slight laugh, "You need to clean the waste pipes, ship has been running on low power, and the waste system is a bit backed up as a result. Have fun."68 The two left the bridge, JK70 looked to JK68 and asked, "Did you get that officers number?" JK68 replied to his friend,"Yeah, BS201, why?" "BS201Y? That's an odd tag." "No, his tag is just BS201, I am wondering why you want it." "BS201I?" "It's just BS201. There is a question I have, and that is why do you want this information?" "Oh, I want it in the event we are ever in a chaotic battle, I know who to accidentally shoot." "Fair enough." Behind enemy lines Dash and Pinkie met up. They found an Imperial supply cache. They tried to open it, but couldn't. A computrazied voice spoke from the crate. "Please insert 25 credits to access your weapons, you may do this after fighting for three hours." Rainbow Dash looked at the box in confusion and said, "Pay to get weapons, and we have to do a certian amount of combat? Who thought that would be a good idea, I shouldn't have to pay to access a supply crate." Pinkie countered Rainbow Dash with, "I think it's more of a box than a crate." "So it's a supply box?" Replied Dash. "No...something else...on the tip of tongue..." "Item Box?" "No...maybe...Treasure Box..." "Doesn't sound right..." "I think it starts with an L....Lu-....Lo...Lu." "Luxury Box?" "Yeah that's it. Now come on, I killed an Imperial officer, lets of Loot his body." "Loot is a good word Pinkie." "Yes it is Dashie, as long as you don't need to pay extra for it."
A Face Only Lucas Could Love.Author's Note WTF? If you willingly clicked on this fic you must be new to my page. If you have yet to read, "Oh Hia Cutie Mark." Then you have no idea what you are in for. At least read the comments to find out why being here is a mistake. If you have read "Oh Hia Cutie Mark" and are willingly reading this, I would suggest that you seek mental help as no sane person would read that torture method and then continue onto something like this. But hey, your suffering is my pleasure. A Face Only Lucas Could Love. The shadow of a Imperial Star Destroy cast it's dark shadow of shadowy darkness over the grasslands and forrest of Naboo. The sound of screaming TIE fighters roared across the lands with the might of a thing that is mighty. Small animals ran for cover as Imperial transport craft landed in the fields. Stormtroopers marched out of the transports and began to search the perimeter for any threats. An Imperial Shuttle Landed and out stepped a man in an high ranking officer's uniform stepped out. The stormtroopers saluted him as a trooper in commander armor walked up to him. "Welcome to Naboo Moff Stew Pid-Naim." Spoke the Commander. The Moff, seemingly unitrested, replied with,"Yes yes, how go the preparations?" "Very well sir, we have encountered no issues and we have been operating smoothly." As the commander spoke those words a stormtrooper tripped over a rock and accidentally fired his gun. The blast hit another stormtrooper who let out a wilhelm scream. Pid-Naim looked at the dead stormtrooper and sighed,"Just begin construction." Over the next few days a hidden base would be contsructed within the Naboo forrest. It would be heavily gaurded as it was built to hide a dark secret. The native gungans were weary to this but decided not to interfere as they were cowards. Whent the base was complete it was subject to constant guard rotations. In the middle of the day two stormtroopers stood on top of the gate enterance to the base. These two were JK68 and JK70. This particular legion of stormtroopers has no JK69 designation as the rest of the stormtroopers giggled whenever a surperior would call that designation out. JK68 looked to JK70 and said,"Hey." "Yeah." JK70 replied. "Do you ever wonder why we're here?" "Because our shift has us stand guard here at this time." "Oh yeah," JK68 looked down than back to JK70 "wait what are we guarding?" "I don't know man, something top secret." "Like what?" "I don't know, that's why it's a secret." "Oh, maybe it's a birthday present for the Emperor." "Yeah, sure." About ten minutes of silence passes then JK68 feels the need to speak again. "Man this is borring." "Yeah well," Yawned JK70, "It's a job man." "Ya know, my cousin says he is gonna be on some fancy new space station. Says it supposed to be secret but not really." "If it's secret then why did he tell you?" "I guess you can't really hide a giant station." "Good point, but come on, out here in nature, much better than some cramped space station." "They are going to have a pool." "So what, Naboo has an entire lake." "Fuck that, JK34 went swimming last week while on break and contracted some horrible flesh eating bacteria." "Well, that station still can't beat the open air of na-" "They have a theatre too." "Really? Damn our position does suck." "And the station is probably safer too, I bet something that defended can fight off any rebel attack." JK70 started laughing, "Ooooh look it me I'm a little X-Wing I think I can take on the Empire." JK68 made starfighter noises, "Woosh woosh, cover me, Im gonna destory the big sation with just my little fighter." "Man we need to request a transfer, I bet nothing bad will ever happen to the guys on that thing." Unknown to the two troopers they were being watched from the trees. A tall and slender Gungan spied on them. He stood up from his perch on a tree branch but quickly fell down and rolled across the bushes and right to the gate. He got up and looked at the stormtroopers. "Hello," It spoke, "Can yousa let messa in, messa need to use yousa toilet to make icky icky goo." The two stormtroopers looked at each other. JK68 pointed his gun at him, "Do we shoot it?" "I don't know man, I think we take it prisoner." Suggested JK70. "I want to shoot it." JK68 fired a shot at the creature, who was standing still, and missed. He fired a few more times continuing to miss. He lowered his gun. "Fuck it, take him prisoner." The two escorted him into the base, since they did not know what to do with him they looked for the highest ranking officer, who happened to be the Moff. They somehow ended up getting into a guarded room simply by telling the guards it was a prisoner trasnfer. The room has several computers and power generators in it all hooked up to a circular arch in the center of the room. The two presented the prisoner to the Moff. The Moff looked at the prisoner and then at the two stormtroopers. "Why did you bring me this...thing?" The Moff asked? The Gungan looked at the Moof,"They-sa take me to use yousa toilet." "And just who are you." "Oh, Messa Jar Jar Binks." (I threw up a little after writting that sentence.) "You two idiots, you should not have brought him here, we are about to experiment." "What experiment?" asked JK70. "Since you will likely be executed I see no harm in telling you." Pid-Niam looked at the arch,"We are creating a portal, this will allow the Empire to go to other dimensions to aquire their weapons and technology for ourselves. We won't just be a Galactic Empire, we will be a cross Dimensional Empire. Multiple realities will be ours to control. We will be unstopable and conquer all that oppos-" In the middle of the speech Jar Jar slipped away and made his icky icky goo all over the arch, power generators, and computers. This somehow caused everythiing to get all fucked up and start exploding. Suddenly a bright light formed in the arch and expanded sucking in all contents of the room as well as a few troopers. The base began to collapse in on itself. Speeder bikes, TIE fighters, walkers, and other equipment was sucked in. Soon the Moff, Jar Jar, JK68 and JK70 were all sucked in. The light exploded leaving only the arch it orignated in. ___________ Pinkie Pie and Apple Jack sat at Sweet Apple Acres watching the clouds. The peace was disturbed by a several flashed of white in the sky. A white rift seemd to tear across the heavens and land somewhere in the Everfree. Other shots of light went into the desert. All the light shots seemed to be coming from a swirling portal in the sky which disappeared. Pinkie Pie turned to AJ and asked,"Apple Jack, did a portal to another universe just open...again?" AJ sighed, "It sure did." "And has our spelling and grammar been severely redueced?" "Yup." "Which means." "Yup, it's another Dez Keiz fanfiction." "Ah fuck."
Bombad PonyAuthor's Note Before reading this please ensure that your brain cells are updated with the lastest anti-stupidity software. Your brain maybe at risk for malware. Bombad Pony JK68 and JK70 woke up to find themselves changed. As per the norm of these fics, they were ponies. Somehow the armor changed with them and was able to fit their new form. They looked to see a grey unicorn with a white mane glarring at them in anger. By the uniform they could tell it was the MOFF. The MOFF walked over and hit them both on the back of the head. "Idiots!" He shouted, "This is all your fault." The two struggled to explain themselves but Stew Pid-Naim would have none of it. "Be silent idiots. You are to come with me and find the rest of the legion." They were in a desert and they began to walk. They passed some destroyed vehicles and dead bodies until they came across a small group of toopers that set up camp in damaged AT-AT. They were quick to begin repairs and see if they could get the walker going again. Meanwhile in Canterlot a messenger pony ran into Celestia's throne room. His life was cut short when a guard chucked a spear into his chest. The guard exclaimed proudly. "I killed the intruder. You are safe now your highness." Celestia facehooef and commented, "Yes, you did...only one small problem...he was a royal messenger. He is supposed to be here!" "Oopsy." "Just bring me the note he was carrying." "Should I kill the note too?" "Just bring me the damn note!" The guard gave her the note and she read it, yet again facehoofing. "Me Dammit! Another one of these cross universe invasion fan fic cross overs. I am still recovering from the last one." "The one with the kid and a giant key, or the one with the bad actor?" Asked a red stallion with a short blonde mane as he stepped into the room. His pegasus wings were broken and jagged, and there was a large scar across his face. His cutie mark was a razor lodged into a the eye socket of a pony skull. This edge lord was Commander Sargent Dark Star. He was apointed as a high officer in the royal guard and was brought in to whip Equestria's military into shape. When he was just a foal he saw his parents and entire village get killed by fire demon bunnies. Legend has it that he cried blood and when the blood it the ground it burned through it. He vowed revenge on the bunnies and gathered up a elite strike team that involved a reformed female dragon who he fell in love with and she was the only one who made him happy, a burglar who was a wise cracker and a flirt with the mares, traveling hero who hates injustice and did not get along witht the burglar but they had a funny dynamic, and pony who was an elite archer in the Equestrian Border Patrol. Sadly they all died in the final battle against the evil bunnies, but Dark Star was able to slay the evil bunnies and make then extinct. He wandered alone a depressed for 4 years after loosing his love and only friends. He was offered a position in the Canterlot Guard, but he only took it for the money and to give meaning to his sad life. Wow, edgy. Now where were we, oh yeah the plot. Celestia looked to the Commander Sargent, "Get your forces ready, a large military force has been spotted in the desert. They seem hostile." Dark Star looked at Celestia with serious eyes, "It will be done your highness. But not even an army can stop my pain." "Just do it already." "Yes your highness," He bowed his head and left the room. Meanwhile, again. In the Everfree Forest. A hideous being walked in the woods, it had the body of a pony, all tan. The eyes came out from the head on short antenie like apendages. It had a cutie mark, that of a turd pile. The creature possesed no ears, in their place were weird fin like flaps of skin going down almost like dreadlocks. The creature looked into a lake to see it's reflection. "Oh No! Messa a pony!" It shouted. Jar Jar fell back with a shock landing in a pile of shit. He rolled in it for a couple minutes before walking away. After some time walking he reached ponyville. After exploring the town, and accidentally setting fire to several buildings including an orphanage he met up with the mane 6, Spike, and Starlight Glimmer. Allow me to save you the pain of characters you already know introducing themselves by simply skipping over that part. See my fan fics aren't that bad. Okay they are, but whatever. They brought Jar Jar to Celestia, upon examining him she stated. "Oh fuck another one, why is this shit always brought to me. Fucking shit. I mean really. Why me. I have to deal with the stresses of running a kindgom hear, and these fucking cross universe fan-fic writters need to bring me into this shit. I have fucking god like powers, I should not be subject to some losers in their mother's basements writting about fucking ponies and their self insert, cross universe, shipping trash. Fuck this, sorry Twilight, you are on your own. I can not help you here. Especially not with that...thing." She cringed pointing a hoof at Jar Jar. Twilight looked to Celestia in confusion, "But Celestia, how this different than how you normally don't do anything?" Celestia sighed,"Fuck...look. Some foriegn assholes are invading, and I sent a captain edgelord to deal with them. I am not in the mood." "How do you know they are invading? I have seen no signs of attack." "Have you heard their fucking theme music, that is some high quality John Williams shit right there, that does well to create a sense of fear from an overwhelming hostile force." "Oh oh oh," Jar Jar yelled jumping up and down. Celestia rolled her eyes, "Yes Jar Jar?" "Messa know them, they'sa the Galactic Empire. They'sa very bad, will shoot yoosa friends on sight. As the ponies talked Super Sargent Commander Dark Star was on the front with some guards facing down a AT-ST and a group of stormtroopers. The Edgelord grabbed a mega-phone. "Attention assholes, leave now or suffer great pain, but it will never be as bad as the pain of my tragic back story." Stew Pid-Naim came on the coms, "For the love of Tarkin shoot him before he says his backstory!" The troopers opened fire as Dark Star began his backstory. "It all started when I was little foal-" Shoots fired around him and his men as he went on with his long and tragic back story. A few of his men ran around in confusion, as they became moving targets running ins a circle, it became harder for the troopers to shoot them. Observing the battle from a distance away via holo-gram or whatever Stew Pid-Naim sighed, "This is gonna be a long invasion."
Ouch TimeAuthor's Note The Following Chapter has been digitally remastered in CGI for your viewing displeasure. Ouch Time Dark Star had just finished delivering his back story. Both sides have suffered only one casualty. The Royal Guard's loss was a guard who got hungry and tried to eat his spear. The Imperial loss was a stormtrooper who could not take the back story anymore. The stormtrooper tried several times to shoot himself in the head, but kept missing. He gave up on that idea and killed himself with a thermal detinator instead. But the death rate would soon grow. The driver of the AT-ST had fallen asleep and leaned forward onto the controls cuasing the vehicle to walk forward. It stepped on and killed a guard. This promted Dark Star to order the attack. The Equestrians charged the Imperials with spears and sticks, which unfortunately for the stormtroopers was their greatest weakness. Well, that and a target moving into the area that should be their peripheral vision. The fighting continued and pegasi flew over the land to scout for enemy postions. Not wanting to be spotted, Pid-Naim ordered TIE fighters to intercept. An elite squad of 4 ace pilots flew into action, lead by the feared pilot Itu Lo. The scream of the TIE fighters sounded in the air inspiring fear in all those who opposed it. The MOFF went on the coms. "Shoot them all down," He ordered. "Yes sir," replied Itu Lo, "But there is one problem." "Problem! What kind of problem!" "I don't know how to fly this thing using hooves." The TIE squad began to fly erratically. Two of them crashed into each other. Another crashed into a AT-AT. Itu Lo tried to control his and kept the fighter up for a while, long enough to accidentally fly all the way to Manehattan, however he lost control and the TIE flew into a fashion design building. News Reports came up all around Equestria. Several believed the attacks to be from Saddle Arabia. Celestia made a statement in public with the Mane 6, Spike, Starlight, and Jar Jar behind her. "My Fellow Equestrians," She stated in a proud voice. "Upon my order we shall begin attacks on the Imperial camps in our land." As she gave the speech Jar Jar took a shit on the stage. Guards tried to stop him but he dodged them and they began to trip over one another and fall in poop piles. Celestia continued her speech and ended with "They will pay for their actions, we will get oil, I mean revenge, and save ourselves from this threat. Me bless Equestria." Ponies cheered her name. One pony in the crowd spoke up. He was a fat light blue stallion with a messy red mane, broken glasses, and a tin foil hat cutie mark. He said. "It was an inside job! Ion engines can't melt steel beams!" Celestia sighed and shot him with a bolt of magic sending him to the moon. She looked up,"Okay Dez Keiz, enough with the 9/11 jokes!" Jar Jar looked to Celestia,"Let Messa help in big fightings. Messa can help yousa soldiers." "You?" she laughed,"You would get yourself ki-" Celestia paused and thought to herself, "Holly shit, he might get himself killed." She had to let him fight. "On second thought," She said to the Gungan."Go ahead." "Yipeee! Messa a soldier!" Celestia ordered Twilight and company to go as well to see what they can learn about the Empire. Spike and Starlight would remain in Canterlot to help Celestia fight off consipracy theorist. Back on the command AT-AT JK68 and JK70 looked to the MOFF. "Sir?" asked JK68. "What are we looking for?" Stew Pid-Naim replied, "I believe a ship may have been sucked in. If so it maybe what we need to gain an upper hand, or erm hoof. These ponies have shown they can use magic, perhaps it is conected to the force. Either way, it is stopping our walkers. Our only true advantage is in the air, but so few of our pilots have figured out how to fly using hooves." JK70 spoke,"I don't think anything larger than an AT-AT came in sir." "You don't think at all you idiot," Snapped the MOFF "Although it may not be a Star Destroyer we should have access to a Victory-II class frigate. Even that should be enough to conquer these primative folk." JK68 cheered,"Yeah, how can the Empire ever loose to something cute and primative." ' On the front Jar-Jar and the others joined Dark Star. Jar Jar began to speak with Dark Star. "By Celestia," he said to himself, "This is far more painful than my backstory." They decided to split up amongst the trenches, Fluttershy would stay out of the battles and serve as a medic, Twilight would also stay out as she would stay at the command HQ to work with intellegence officers. Dash and Pinkie would preform recon, Dash from the air, and Pinkie with her many disguises. Dark Star wanted the remaining four to split into teams of two, who would lead pincer movents. Almost immediately AJ ran to Dark Star's side. "I choose him!" she stated. Command Sargent Major 1st class Esquire Dark Star sighed, "The last time a mare got this close to me she died, I don't want to risk falling in love and feeling that pain again, but if my duty requires it than I shall." Jar Jar laughed,"Yousa said doody." Rarity soon realized she was stuck with the Gungan. She held back insulting him and they paired up. The teams went to their ordered destinations. Jar Jar and Rarity lead a group of soldiers to the east side of the pincer. Having a few actual soldiers among them from the Equestrian Army raised the morale of the guards. The Army actually knew how to fight relatively well, some were even allowed to carry guns, weapons reserved for non morons. Still, there were those in the Army who have the same intelligence as guards, as a result they were given standard spears. The guns that were in service were either black powder or used an early breach loading system. Even tanks were avialable to those who could pass some IQ test. The tanks were armored boxes on train like wheels, usually they had only a single ball round cannon. Now that we got the annoying tech stuff out of the way, let's get on with the story before the fourth wall takes any more critical hits. Jar Jar and Rarity's group went from trench to trench fighting off occasional Imperial patrols. The land was full of muck and Jar Jar's feces. The group reached a rather clear trench, when Rarity ordered them all to duck down. An AT-ST was walking by. They were quick to hide from the walker and observed it at is patrolled the area. They remained in the trench in silence waiting for the metal beast to pass by. Dark Star and Apple Jack lead a more aggresive charge on the west side. AJ was even granted permission to use a breach action rifle. Dark Star himself had special guns. Dual pistols that fired razor blades. The pistols themelves also had knives attached to them. As Dark Star fought his way through stormtroopers it began to rain, it reminded him of his tragic life. They climbed a hill to get a scope of the battlefield, on top of the hill Dark Star began to brood. As he was brooding a stormtooper snuck up on him. Before the trooper could deliver the kill, Apple Jack fired a round into his neck killing him. Dark Star looked into Apple Jack's eyes. "You saved my life," He said in a serious tone, "I am in your debt, you are a goddess. I am not worthy of you." AJ looked on in cofusion,"Uh...ok." "I know you may have feelings for me." "I don't." "But you should forget them, loving me will only bring pain, you can't fix me." "But I-" "Save your wods, although you are beautiful you deserve better than me." At this moment AJ's gun was looking very friendly. At HQ Fluttershy tended to the wounded, most of which were self inflicted through accidents. She was helping a young guard out of bed. "Now," she said to him,"What have we learned?" The guard looked down and replied, "Barbed wire is not spaghetti." "Good, have a gold star sticker." She placed it on him and gave him a kiss on the cheek, "Now go win the war." He ran out in exciment and soon found himself in combat, however due to his gold star sticker an Imperial marksmen mistook him for a high ranking officer and in a surprising act of good aim, shot him in the head. Twilight was working with the intel officers, however intelligence seemed to be a relative term here. Several times she slammed her head on the table unable to cope with the idiocy around her. Behind enemy lines Dash made her recon flights, snapping pictures with a camera the military provided her with. Pinkie was able to steal the uniform of a Stormtrooper and Infiltrate their rank. Using her Pinkie sense she could tell when she was at risk of being discovered and would act to prevent that. Back in the east trench Rarity and Jar Jar's group remained hidden. Jar Jar's eyes widened and he spoke. "Uh oh." Rarity looked to him with concern, "What wrong?" "Messa sorry." "Sorry about w-" Before she could finish Jar Jar released a massive fart, the trench filled with the deadly gas as soldiers struggled for their mask. To make matters worse the AT-ST crew heard the loud breach of sound and walked it over to the trench where it took aim into the gas cloud.
Prized BountyAuthor's Note Disney was not interested in buying the rights to this story so I showed it to Sony. They said. "Even we have standards." Prized Bounty Pid-Naim's AT-AT walked on the outskirts of the Everfree, the radar beeped continuously with the spaces between each beep lessening quickly. They stopped when the beeping became uninterrupted. The AT-AT was now in front of a Victory II Frigate. The ship was in good shape, but in the event hostiles were in it the MOFF ordered JK68 and JK70 to check it out. They repelled down from the armored transport and went into the ship through an escape pod hatch. The two checked the halls and corridors of the ship. They saw nothing but a few rats. They made their way to the bridge. They checked the bridge and saw nothing. With their work done, the duo decided to mess around a bit. They turned on the ship's intercom system and began to belch and fart into it. Unknown to them something was moving towards the bridge. Jar Jar and Rarity's were frozen with fear as the AT-ST aimed down that them. "Oh whatever shall we do!" Rarity screamed as she fainted in fear and landed in a pile of Jar Jar's icky icky goo. As it got ready to fire two razer blades flew into the view ports. One razor in each port. This killed both Imperials inside the walker. Dark Star charged in and jumped into the trench checking on the group. Jar Jar looked at him with shock. "How did yousa know we was in big troubles?" Inuired the Gungan. "I just knew," replied the Sargent Major Commander Sous Chef as he knelt down to Rarity. She awoke to see the dark handsome stallion. "Oh my hero." She said looking into his eyes. "I am no hero, I have to much darnkess to be a hero. And do not try and love me, I....am to damaged." Apple Jack mutters under her breath, "Yeah, damaged in the head." Rarity did not break away her gaze,"Let me try and fix you, I can guide you to the light." "It's too late for that," Dark Star looked down and closed his eyes. "You see ever since I was a foal..." "Oh dear Celestia I cannot take hearing his backstory again!" A soldier cried out, taking his rifle, putting it in his mouth, and ending his suffering. Back on the bridge of the frigate JK68 and JK70 were notified to to the nearby presence when they were alerted via proximity alarm. They turned their attention to the doors, guns drawn. The doors opened to reveal a pony in yellow Mandalorian armor. "Lower your guns," He said in a badass voice, "I have no fight with you, unless of course you wish to die." JK68 lookd to JK70, "Dude, this guy is bad ass." JK70 nodded in agreement,"I know, I think I just creamed." They lowered their weapons and then got contacted by the MOFF. "How is the ship, did you morons find anything?" He asked in a frustrated voice. "Y-yes sir," replied JK68, "I think we have someone you may want to meet." Pid-Naim boarded the ships and went to the bridge accompanied by four stormtroopers. He examined the Mandalorian and then spoke. "Who are you?" barked the MOFF. "The name, is Po Zer." replied the badass. "And what are you doing on this ship?" "I was sucked through the portal when your little accident happened, found myself wherever we are, and used this ship for survival." "And what were you doing at my base!" "I needed to use to can, I would've taken a shit in the forest but that seems to attract Gungans." "How did you get passed the guards." "I threw a rock, and they got distracted by it." Pid-Naim facehoofed, "Fucking morons." "Yeah, they are." "And just what is it that you do for a living." "I'm a motha fucking bounty hunter biatch. My skills include naming weapons, having cool looking stuff, talking a deep voice, and standing in the background looking cool but not actually doing anything. Usually I cross my arms, but with my body changed I can't exactly do that." "You seem to have skills that we need, and I am guessing you wish to kill whoever is responsible for this?" "Indeed I do." "I know who did it, it was a Gungan, help us find and kill him, as well as figure out a way back to our dimension so that we may send for a larger army to conquer this land. Once back, we shall pay you well. "I accept, shall we discuss payment?" "Right, come with me." The MOFF leaves the bridge and signals his guards to follow. Po Zer walked slightly behind them so he would look cooler. JK68 and JK70 looked to one another. "Well," Spoked JK68, "Now what?" More stormtroopers entered the bridge, once of them wore the orange shoulder pad of an officer. "Now," He looked at the two with a slight laugh, "You need to clean the waste pipes, ship has been running on low power, and the waste system is a bit backed up as a result. Have fun."68 The two left the bridge, JK70 looked to JK68 and asked, "Did you get that officers number?" JK68 replied to his friend,"Yeah, BS201, why?" "BS201Y? That's an odd tag." "No, his tag is just BS201, I am wondering why you want it." "BS201I?" "It's just BS201. There is a question I have, and that is why do you want this information?" "Oh, I want it in the event we are ever in a chaotic battle, I know who to accidentally shoot." "Fair enough." Behind enemy lines Dash and Pinkie met up. They found an Imperial supply cache. They tried to open it, but couldn't. A computrazied voice spoke from the crate. "Please insert 25 credits to access your weapons, you may do this after fighting for three hours." Rainbow Dash looked at the box in confusion and said, "Pay to get weapons, and we have to do a certian amount of combat? Who thought that would be a good idea, I shouldn't have to pay to access a supply crate." Pinkie countered Rainbow Dash with, "I think it's more of a box than a crate." "So it's a supply box?" Replied Dash. "No...something else...on the tip of tongue..." "Item Box?" "No...maybe...Treasure Box..." "Doesn't sound right..." "I think it starts with an L....Lu-....Lo...Lu." "Luxury Box?" "Yeah that's it. Now come on, I killed an Imperial officer, lets of Loot his body." "Loot is a good word Pinkie." "Yes it is Dashie, as long as you don't need to pay extra for it."
