Chapters Chapter One part 1 ~ Aftermath
Celestia cautiously walked down the halls of her palace. If one were to look at her, they would immediately notice a look of slight fear upon her face. The small feeling of discomfort in the back of her head had shot forward into panic after Discord's return. All of a sudden, a slight 'click' rang through the halls. Celestia's eyes widened, as she attempted to avoid the projectile she accidentally triggered, but she just wasn't fast enough.
The pie struck her straight in the face.
Celestia groaned. Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash were famous for two things. One was that they both held one of the six Elements of Harmony. The other? They were master prankers. And now that Discord had joined them in their mischievous exploits, nowhere was safe. Celestia made a mental note to find out how to temporarily disable the draconequus's teleporting ability sometime in the near future.
Celestia had to admit, it was rather fun having Discord around. The spirit of Chaos had taken to randomly sending chaos everywhere across the land, although Ponyville seemed to be affected the most, although that was probably Pinkie Pie's fault. He also made the castle a lot livelier. Celestia was looking forward to the next Grand Galloping Gala, as Discord had decided to attend and would defiantly wreak havoc. She did, however, wish he would get rid of that statue in the garden. He had once animated it and put it in his place. It had taken a while for anyone to notice the difference, as the statue acted as random as Discord normally would. In fact, the only reason someone did notice the difference was because the statue got chipped.
Of course, with all the fun comes the problem of the pranksters. While they might occasionally slip something into one of Twilight's letters, they hadn't really pranked Celestia much. But with the addition of Discord to their ranks, they were able to infiltrate the castle at any time. Which brings us to our current situation. They had set up a colossal amount of pranks inside the castle, and Celestia had no clue where either the pranks or the pranksters were.
Now if you were a group of pranksters who had just pranked one of the most powerful beings in Equestria, where would you be? Certainly not in her bedroom, that's for sure. But that is where our trio of misfits currently resides, as they knew Celestia would never look for them in there. Our three heroes; Discord, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, had just laid siege to the royal castle and set up numerous pranks, like the pie that got Celestia in the face. The bedroom was surprisingly neat, considering who was currently occupying it. However, outside the room, you could hear crashes, small explosions and muffled curses.
Four hours, twelve pies, six-hundred water balloons and an incident that would have probably turned Luna back into Nightmare Moon had she been anywhere near it, a soaking wet, very annoyed Celestia finally found and forcefully evicted the pranksters, while screaming at Discord to remove the cotton-candy cloud above her head that was drenching her with chocolate milk. Sighing in relief, she turned around, only to receive another pie to the face. Discord, who had just teleported back inside, smirked at her before quickly warping away. Celestia's curses could be heard all around the palace.
Chapter one part 2: Operation C&D, Alpha Stage.
The three pranksters were quite happy recounting their tales of exploits when the topic suddenly shifted to a point that Discord had regretted ever bringing up: his crush on Celestia. Yes, you read that right. But then again, I've announced this is a DiscordxCelestia fan-fic, so don't act all surprised. Anyways, the three of them had decided to tell a few of their secrets to pass time during a daring prank-spree on Rarity's boutique. While the angry unicorn stormed around, looking for them (and trying to find a way to get the cloth that had been glued onto her hoofs off), the three decided to tell secrets to pass the time. Many were exchanged, such as Pinkie Pie's Pinkimena persona, Rainbow Dash's stage fright, Discord's greatest prank on the Princesses. Actually, that last one was how the ball got rolling. When Discord mentioned he had gotten Celestia with a bunch of exploding chocolate hearts, Rainbow Dash had jokingly asked if that meant he liked her. Of course, that idea went from joking to serious when they realized that question had caused Discord to go as stiff as (pun intended) a statue.
So the trio had been brainstorming ways to help Discord get with Celestia. However, this was not as easy as it seemed. Especially since Discord never actually removed the chocolate raincloud from above Celestia's head. Which he was quick to fix when the others pointed that out.
Now, getting an ancient creature composed of multiple creatures a date with the sun goddess who hated him for over a millennia was not an easy feat. So they had composed a plan. A great plan. A brilliant plan. And, since this is also a humor fic, the plan will obviously hit some major and hilarious problems. But that's for later chapters. Now we focus on their current situation.
"Look, I'm just saying that maybe we should let Celestia cool off before we enact… the PLAN." Discord argued with his companions.
"I think you're right about… the PLAN… but you should really stop trying to avoid this." Pinkie Pie commented.
"Ok, this has been annoying me for a while." Rainbow Dash groaned, "Why do you constantly pause and then ominously intone 'the PLAN'?"
"Oh, don't worry Rainbow Dash, it's just a Fourth Wall thing." Pinkie explained, with Discord nodding.
"Fourth Wall? What's that supposed to mean?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"If we tell you, you'll be scarred forever. Do you really want that?" Discord questioned.
"Yeah, sure, it can't be that bad."
Half an hour later,
the talk finished. Rainbow Dash shivered, paler than she was when she was corrupted, before slumping over in a dead faint. The two conscious members of the elite pranking squad looked over at her.
"Poor Rainbow Dash. She never stood a chance." Discord commented.
"Ah well, she'll get over it. So, tomorrow we will begin Phase Alpha of our plan." Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
Discord groaned. There would be no persuading her, so he grudgingly agreed. Deciding to meet back at the mysterious underground cave from the first story, Discord teleported off while Pinkie Pie dragged Rainbow Dash to her place.
Discord groaned in his room in the palace. He had been granted a room with the deal he made with Celestia a while ago, which also granted him a good look over Equestria. While reminding himself to put the chocolate rainclouds Pinkie Pie requested (Ponyville seemed to get more chocolate rain than normal rain nowadays), Discord mentally went over the plan. After coming to the conclusion that it was going to fail horribly, he sighed in resignation and fell asleep.
Author's Note
The Alpha Phase, or, Expert Espionage.
Chapter Three: The Alpha Phase, or, Expert Espionage.
A lone pony walked through the palace, its face completely concealed by a fedora and a pair of gag glasses. Upon its back was a trenchcoat. The only things you could see beneath the coat were brief flashes of pink. And it's around here you begin to agree with Discord, when he stated that this plan was doomed for failure.
Pinkie Pie walked down the corridors towards the throne room. Now, I believe you should know what The Alpha Phase entails. Basically, Pinkie Pie, wearing a disguise, will question Celestia and her significant others about her opinion on Discord. This might be more effective if her tail wasn't hanging out the back, as no-one had a tail quite like Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie Pie entered the throne room, keeping in the shadows. Looking around, she pulled off some admittedly awesome rolls, flips and wall-jumps before landing perfectly on a banister. Leaping across banisters with the agility of a cat, she finally flipped off and landed directly in front of Celestia, Spider-man style. And while all that was happening, Celestia had been watching her with a mixture of confusion and shock etched on her face.
Pinkie Pie straightened herself and quickly went over her game plan. "Ok Pinkimena, you gotta do this real subtle. Don't let her know your true intentions."
"So, how do you feel about Discord?"
Or… maybe not.
Luckily for Pinkie Pie, Celestia was far too shocked to recognize her, and had decided the easiest way to get rid of this crazy pony would be to answer her questions.
"Well… He's tolerable most of the time. Occasionally, I could even call him a good friend. But his constant pranks put a bit of a strain on our relationship."
Pinkie Pie nodded, writing this down on a notepad procured from hammerspace. She proceeded to seek Celestia's confidents with the grace of a landing bird. If the bird in question happened to be an albatross.
"So, you gotta any close friends/confidents you wanna tell me about?" Pinkie Pie questioned.
Celestia, obviously disturbed by this turn of events, slowly answered. "There's… my faithful student… Twilight Sparkle… her assistant, Spike… and… my sister, Luna." Pinkie Pie nodded, showing she understood, before leaving in the reverse order in which she entered, including the flips and wall-jumps.
Pinkie Pie decided to seek out Luna first, since it was fairly obvious where she was. For those who don't find it obvious, she was in her bedroom, because it was 5am. The only reason Celestia was up was because she had to raise the sun soon. Which brings us to Pinkie Pie hammering on Luna's door. It opened, revealing a very tired Moon Princess. However, upon seeing Pinkie Pie, or rather, her get-up, Luna became just as shocked and confused as her sister, but she reacted in a much different way. Luna leapt backwards, slamming the door shut. That wouldn't be too bad normally, but Pinkie Pie was standing a bit too close to the door and got flung into a wall. Obviously, she needed an alternate method of entry. Or she could just remove the costume, but come on. This is a humor fic, what did you expect?
Pinkie Pie was floating upwards towards Luna's window using helium balloons. She was laughing, waving her arms without a care in the world. Which is how Luna found her when she reached her window. Now, if you saw a disguised pony laughing like a maniac while waving their arms outside your window, you probably would have done what Luna did. Which was opening the window, and using magic to pop every balloon, which sent Pinkie Pie back to the cold, painful ground.
Pinkie Pie finally came up with a plan that worked, albeit in a roundabout fashion. First, she clambered onto the roof. Second, she lowered herself down the chimney using 'Ye Olde Espionage Geare'. Third, she had her disguise incinerated by Luna panicking and lighting a fire underneath her. This fortunately allowed Luna to recognize her, but unfortunately allowed Luna to recognize her.
After shaking off Luna's multiple apologies, Pinkie Pie began her line of questioning. It went much in the same way as last time, with Luna stating that she herself liked Discord (as a friend, mind you. I don't really do the love triangle thing), and that Celestia seemed to tolerate him much more than she used to. Thanking her, Pinkie Pie turned to leave, only to stop and ask the most important question in this chapter. "Have you got another disguise-thingy?" Pinkie Pie asked. Wordlessly, Luna reached into her closet and took out one in Pinkie's exact size. Deciding to chalk that up to a plot hole, Pinkie quickly took her leave.
It was a great and arduous quest. Across cliffs, rivers, oceans and deserts. Though space and time, while learning valuable lessons about life and death. Through the light and the darkness, learning important lessons on the good in evil and the evil in good. Then Pinkie Pie remembered Twilight Sparkle lived in Ponyville, not across space and time, and promptly forgot everything she just learned.
Spike was humming to himself as he cleaned up the library. It was peaceful, it was quiet… it was like a Fluttershy exploded.
The tranquility was immediately shattered beyond repair, along with a couple of bookshelves, when Pinkie Pie flew in, causing a miniature avalanche of knowledge.
Spike groaned, popping his head up above the pile of books that encased him. He briefly wondered if that was how it felt to be encased in stone, but disregarded that thought in exchange for Pinkie Pie's current whereabouts.
Now, you see, Pinkie Pie may be random, but she isn't an idiot. Se had already figured out that since Twilight tells pretty much everything to Spike (be it conversation or getting him to write her letters to Celestia), so if she found Spike, there would be no need to find Twilight. Also, she didn't think Twilight would tell her anything about the Princess, for fear that she would 'Banish her, or lock her in a dungeon, or lock her in a dungeon in the place that she banished her to'. Her friends, Spike and Fluttershy especially (Fluttershy because Twilight had already tried to force that belief on her, and Spike because he has to live with that theory). Grinning to herself, Pinkie began the questioning. Unfortunately, she hadn't gotten out of the books yet, so Spike was more focused on finding the disembodied voice than answering. When Pinkie did finally show herself, she took out a good-sized portion of gems from a bag labeled 'Dragon Bribes' and started the Q&A session.
Author's Note
wow!
The Gamma Phase, or, How Will This Help Us?
It was a dark and stormy night. Why? Because I've always wanted to write that line, that's why.
The Equestrian Master Prankers (EMP, with their logo being an Electro-Magnetic Pulse) sat in their underground lair. They sat and planned, planned terrible, horrible things. Things that would destroy the mind of anyone who dared to listen in on the trio. But that's completely irrelevant to this fic, as we will move onto our current topic: The Gamma Phase.
"Ok, so it turns out the alien was under mind control, and he thanks us for saving him…" Pinkie Pie read from a letter, from the same alien they beat a chapter ago.
"Really? That explains a lot…" Discord commented. "But, to more pressing matters, it seems the Beta Phase failed. We have to move onto… Phase Gamma…" Rainbow Dash ominously intoned.
"What's Phase Gamma again?" Discord asked.
Pinkie Pie opened her mouth, then shut it.
"Actually… I don't think we ever thought this far ahead…" Rainbow Dash admitted.
"I thought as much…" Discord admitted, "But hey, the Beta Phase didn't fail. We're rich and internationally published authors now!"
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, jumping on top of Discord, much to his chagrin.
"I guess you're right. Also, Celestia loved the book, so that wins us points!" Rainbow Dash pointed out.
"You're right!" Discord exclaimed, moving over to a chalkboard on the side of the room. It was titled 'Celestia's Approval and Disapproval'. On the Approval side, there were a small handful of points. Discord added a point to this side, deciding not to acknowledge the thousands of points on the side labeled 'Disapproval'.
"Maybe we just need… Inspiration!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
"Yeah!" Pinkie Pie agreed.
"Then it's settled!" Discord cried, "Troops, mobilize!"
A silence followed. "Discord, we're all evenly ranked." Rainbow Dash groaned.
"Oh… right…" Discord said sheepishly.
Pinkie Pie stood in the hall, patiently waiting. She knew the ultimate prank, but it required some planning. She had set up a familiar table, with four even more familiar guests. She then dunked her head in a bucket of water, and managed to get her mane to stay in a flat, hanging down style. She did the same with her tail, then stood by the table and began to ponder who would come into her current hallway of residence.
Finally, someone entered, and that someone was Twilight Sparkle. Twilight was here to see the Princess, and would unfortunately be caught in the crossfire.
Twilight had come to the castle, but had instead found Pinkie Pie, with her normally frizzy mane and tail completely flat and straight, doing strange voices for four strangely-named objects which were a lint ball, a bag of flour, a stack of rocks and a bucket of turnips. Twilight called out Pinkies name while walking closer and, very slowly, Pinkie turned to face her, with here eyes doing a rather remarkable, slow-mo impression of Ditzy Doo (better known as Derpy Hooves). Pinkie wore a vacant, eerie grin, which seemed completely soulless and evil. Twilight, when faced by this, recalled something Rainbow Dash had mentioned to her once. About how Pinkie went crazy and did something remarkably similar to this. Deciding that it was probably best to leave, Twilight exited the hallway in the most logical and rational way possible.
She screamed and ran.
And not a second too soon, for as soon as Twilight left, Pinkie's hair finally bounced back into its normal shape as she fell to the ground, laughing.
Rainbow Dash had opted for more classic gags, and had managed to force a raincloud into the castle. She managed to get it to follow and fry anyone who walked near it. Hearing someone coming, she flew out the window and waited.
Twilight was shivering, her friends actions having truly creeped her out. She was wondering what could have possibly driven Pinkie Pie into Pinkimena Mode and, as a consequence, never saw the raincloud. The only reason she ever realized it was there was because it zapped her with lightning. Then continued doing so, rushing after her as she ran off, trying to outpace the cloud. Laughing, Rainbow Dash flew after her, making sure to keep out of sight.
Rainbow Dash met up with Discord and Pinkie Pie on top of one of the arches holding the roof of he throne room up. Twilight was down below with the Princess, who had just gotten rid of the rain cloud. Celestia apologized and began to warn her of all the pranks the EMP had done.
"So, what's your prank?" Rainbow Dash whispered to Discord.
"Well, since I have a wide range of reality warping powers, I decided to use a classic, with my own inventive… twist…" Discord hissed back.
"And they dyed my tail pink, and they laced the food with super-spicy powder, and they… What's that?" Twilight and Celestia, who were close to the doorway, Celestia having dashed over to Twilight to remove the cloud the second she entered the room. The two gave a simultaneous yelp of surprise and quickly leaped out of the way, just dodging the oversized comedy article.
"Wait a second…" Twilight said, rapping a hoof on the anvil, "This is made of cardboard! It wouldn't have done anything even if it had hit us! Why would someone…"
Twilight was cut off by an ominous creaking noise, as the anvil fell open…
Revealing thousands of pies, all levitating in the air. Celestia's eyes widened. "Oh no…" she muttered. Then the pies seemed to freeze, focus and, one by one, hurtle towards the two shaking ponies.
The chuckling pranksters sat in the rafters, looking down on the mayhem, as the two ponies tried and failed to dodge the brutal onslaught of pastry.
"You know, I think finding inspiration could be a great Gamma Phase!" Pinkie Pie chirped.
"Yeah! And I know just what to do for the Omega Phase!" Rainbow Dash cried.
The three pranksters quickly began to discuss the idea, as the merry sound of ponies being flattened by pies filled the room.
Author's Note
View Online
The Omega Phase, or, This Card May Be Kept Until Needed Or Sold.
The Omega Phase, or, This Card May Be Kept Until Needed Or Sold.
It was truly a dark and stormy night, as the wind beat mercilessly against the glass windows of Canterlot's Royal Palace, four figures were crouched over in a mysterious room, lit only by the glow of a raging fire. They were conducting a battle of wits, strength and power. Sweat beaded across the eyes of the largest of the four, his hand trembling, his eyes wide, pupils dilated, all while spitting out mangled prayers. He closed his eyes, calmed himself the best he could, and flung his hand forward.
The dice came up 11.
Discord, after opening his eyes, let out a whoop of joy, the roll of 11 having managed to navigate the properties of Celestia and Rainbow Dash, while managing to land him on Free Parking.
Now, all of you are probably scratching your heads and wondering what the hell I'm going on about. It's quite simple. After carefully analyzing the data of their failed experiments, the trio spied on Celestia, examining her every move, watching her endlessly, their ceaseless gaze silently judging her. After weeks of investigation, they discovered one very important thing: Celestia had a competitive streak a mile long. The team had come up with a way of exploiting this flaw, and had concluded that they would challenge her to a game of Jenga. Unfortunately, they lost miserably. So they decided on Monopoly. If Pinkie won, she would have all the chocolate rain her heart desired. If Rainbow won, the Princesses agreed to race her. If Celestia won, the EMP wouldn't bug her for a fortnight. And if Discord won? He would get a date with Celestia. Celestia, surprisingly, accepted these conditions.
Actually, come to think of it, that was needlessly complicated. I could have just said there was a bet. Ah well, exposition.
Back to the game, we cut to our four. Pinkie Pie had been knocked out early in the game, due to her wanting to buy everything, so only Rainbow Dash, Celestia and Discord remained. Unfortunately, due to both bad luck and the author having no idea on how to make a game of Monopoly interesting, Rainbow Dash landed on Trafalgar Square, which was owned by Discord, who had put a hotel down on that spot two turns ago.
Now it was just the two of them. And, since this is a humor/romance, you know this is about to get a lot more interesting.
Celestia didn't like losing. She was banned from the Running of the Leaves because she zapped everyone in front of her with her magic. She would do anything to ensure she won. So she decided to use the only weapon at her disposal: herself.
"Oh Diiiiiiiiiscord…" Celestia said in a low and seductive manner, "Don't you think it's a bit… warm in here?"
Now, I'm not saying men are weak. I am one, and I know we aren't going to be reduced to a stammering mess every time a woman gives us attention, despite what Hollywood would have you believe otherwise. But look at this from Discords perspective, hmm? He had loved Celestia for a very long time. All the EMP's plans had failed, obviously resulting in stress. This stress, combined with the team making news plans, lead to lack of sleep. He was tired, lovesick and sick of their plans always failing. And now Celestia was acting as if she wanted him. Badly.
So it is understandable why Discord's mind reverted to a jelly-like substance that couldn't comprehend multisyllabic words.
And so the game continued, with Celestia making suggestive remarks, flustering Discord to no end. Unfortunately for her, and fortunate for all us DiscordxCelestia shippers, she was so caught up in her game, she failed to notice one thing. She had just landed on Mayfair. Owned by Discord. With a hotel.
Celestia was now bankrupt, and therefore lost the game.
Celestia's eyes were wide with shock. She had lost. LOST. Groaning, she laid her head back and shut her eyes. Her silence was broken, however, by the voice of a draconequus.
"So… Ah… What time tomorrow?" Discord stammered, nervously.
Celestia had forgotten about the bet, and it only now came rushing back to her. As she turned to answer, she smiled. Maybe losing wasn't so bad after all.
Author's Note
"Hey Tom?"
Yes?
"No 4th wall Today?"
nope
".... k"
View Online
The Beta Phase, or, Publishing (A fun short chapter)
After listening to Pinkie Pie's finding, our trio of misfits was no closer to their goal. So, as all great people would when faced with adversary, they blindly proceed with their plan. Of course, with the angle this story is taking, it's obviously going to be god-damn insane.
"So… when did we write a full novel detailing the woes of a ugly creature as he tries to romance a beautiful alicorn?" Rainbow Dash asked.
"Oh, that was all done off-screen!" Discord explained, as Rainbow Dash twitched, as unwanted memories of the time she learned of the fourth wall came rushing back.
"Anyways, we have to find a way to get this published! Celestia will read it and be sure to read between the lines for this one!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
And by 'read between the lines', I do mean that in the most literal sense. As in, they literally wrote 'Will you go out with me, Celestia? Signed, Discord' on the manuscript.
As they sent off the important document, Discord turned to Rainbow Dash, asking the question that I'm sure has been pressing on the minds of each and every one of you.
It was a few weeks later that they received the letter from the publisher. During that time, they engaged in many hilarious antics, such as pranking people using chocolate explosives (this was stopped after they accidentally blew up part of Twilight's library after they smuggled an explosive into one of Celestia's letters), using the bag of Dragon Bribes to bribe Spike into dropping Tom onto Celestia's head (she had chased them for days) and going on a long, eventful journey where they each learned about each others individual strengths and weaknesses, and how to combine those strengths and weaknesses to overcome great challenges, eventually culminating in an epic battle to save Equestria from a psychopath alien.
But, disregarding all those everyday events, we reach this day. The day in which they finally obtain the letter from their publisher. The day that they will learn if the Beta Phase will work. Of course, they got their book published.
Of course, it went horribly wrong.
You see, they had written that note on the printed copy with pencil. It didn't show up on the digital copy. The note was never actually put in the novel.
On the plus side, they made millions, and Celestia loved the book
Author's Note
just a fun short chapter!
And That's How Equestria Was Made!
Discord and Celestia will live together happily for a long time. They will be happy with one another and never get into another crazy misadventure again. Well actually they will. And it'll be very, very funny.
"And that's how Equestria was made!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, having just related the tale to the group of people gathered in Canterlot's Palace. The group composed of the Elements of Harmony, the Princesses, Discord and the new Palace actor, Dual Mask, who was for reasons unknown.
"Pinkie… Celestia, can you make her tell the real story?" Twilight asked.
Later, our three pranksters were sitting on the roof of the castle, happily talking to each other. But it wasn't meant to last, as a baby dragon came walking up to them.
"Hey, uh, guys…" Spike stammered out nervously, "Well… you got the Princess and Discord together… Well… I figured that Rarity wouldn't go out with me, so I gave up on her… But Fluttershy…" A dreamy look passed over Spike's face as he said the name 'Fluttershy'.
The EMP froze in pure horror. Dread began to creep up their spines. They felt fear, a deep primal fear that the body reserves for only the most traumatizing experiences. Terror shot through their bodies as they quickly began to speak amongst themselves.
"Plot foreshadowing?"
The three all breathed one word together.
And everyone in Canterlot jumped as three simultaneous shrieks of pure fury echoed from the castle's top.
Author's Note
ok ok that was cool!! but I'm not making a Sequel.
BTW I'm writing a fluttercord fic!!! first chapter this week!!
