A Purple Princess's Purposely Perplexing Presitidigation
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A Purple Princess's Purposely Perplexing Presitidigation
To the casual observer, it would appear as if a great storm had just passed over Princess Twilight Sparkle's Tree Crystal Castle Library. Books littered the ground like scattered leaves, intermixed with crumpled parchment, broken quills, and empty ink bottles. The morning light filtered through the stained glass windows furtively. The clatter and crash of frenzied research rattled those crystalline panes for several nights now, and the sudden silence gave even the light of dawn pause.
Throughout the mess, a small figure picked his way towards the epicenter of this disaster.
Spike had meant to clean up before things ended up this way. He really did. When Twilight started this endeavor, he dutifully returned all the books she discarded to their needlessly specific and complicated designations. He brought her meals, and encouraged her to eat. He replaced the burned out candles that she employed in place of normal lighting. He restocked her quills, and suggested, yet again, that she switch to a ballpoint pen. However, as was wont to happen to her when some piece of knowledge proved stubbornly evasive, Twilight slowly came down with researching salt. She snapped at him when he insisted that she eat, bathe, and use an actual toilet. When the salt really started to set in, she complained that the loud thumping from his chest was distracting her. Spike refused to enter the library after that.
It had been five days since Twilight started. Spike guessed that she finally had a breakthrough when he heard a faint squawk from the library. It was either her attempt at a triumphant cry, or she was murdering a goose. Either way, he had to investigate.
Twilight was standing at the center of a ring of open books and scrolls, breathing heavily, and holding up a scroll as if it were a foal she had just birthed. He purposely scraped the floor with his toe to alert her of his presence. At once, she turned her frenzied gaze at him.
"I've done it, Spike," Twilight said with a giggle. "My spell is complete!"
"Thank Celestia for that..." Spike muttered. "So, are you going to finally tell me what exactly you've been working on?"
"I will in a—wait, where's Starlight?" Twilight asked. "She should be here for this too."
"Starlight went to visit Sunburst, remember?" Spike replied. "She was going to hold a little celebration for him after he discovered a cure for Cancer."
Twilight rolled her eyes. "That's fine and all," she said, "but it has nothing to do with friendship. No wonder he wasn't a very good student of Princess Celestia."
"So what did you come up with?" Spike asked.
Twilight held out her scroll. "This," she said. "With this spell, I can pull back the veil that hides the processes of magic."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"
"Haven't you ever wondered how magic truly functioned?" Twilight asked. "How even the most basic spells work at their most fundamental levels? With this spell, I can open our eyes, and see at last!"
"Sounds great," Spike said. "Can I get to cleaning now?"
With another roll of her eyes and that annoying "uuuugh!" that girls did when they were trying to express frustration, Twilight left the library, finally gifting Spike with the honor of getting to do all the cleaning up. He sincerely hoped that the pile of brown-stained tissues by one corner he saw was from cleaning up spilled coffee.
After both the library, and Twilight, looked decent enough, it was finally time to see what this big discovery was all about. It was high noon when they stood at the center of Ponyville, where everypony was busy with their daily business.
"Um...Twilight, do we really need to test your spell here?" Spike asked.
"Why not?" Twilight asked. She could barely keep herself from hopping in place in her excitement. "Where else would I try this revolutionary spell besides the spot where everypony might share in the success?"
"How about someplace secluded and remote?" Spike suggested. "With special magical wards to protect us and some powerful spellcasting friends to help out in case things with your untested spell go wrong?"
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Are you suggesting that I might mess up with magic of all things? When did that ever happen?"
"Well, there's—"
A purple hoof, shod with a fancy princess horseshoe, jammed itself into Spike's mouth. "Can't you recognize a rhetorical question? Now, be quiet for a while, and let me get ready. I'm going to cast my Arcane Sight on us both so you can confirm success." Twilight unfurled her scroll, and intoned for a long, complicated spell. Spike simply braced himself for massive explosions or every pony in Ponyville attacking each other in a magical pandemonium.
At the end of Twilight's bout of bad poetry, however, nothing spectacular happened. A purple aura enveloped them both for a few moments, then nothing. Spike looked worriedly at Twilight. If the spell fizzled, she might go into another bout of mage rage. The smug look on her face spoke of success, though. He hadn't seen that look since they heard Trixie had applied for welfare. "So what's supposed to happen?" he asked. "I don't feel any different."
"Oh, ye of little faith," Twilight said with a raise of her snout. "Watch while I cast a simple telekinesis. Now, we'll be able to see the inner workings of any spell."
Twilight focused on a small rock nearby. Her horn sparked with purple light.
A great cloud of darkness erupted next to the rock, followed by a wave of heat and a brief whiff of burning sulfur. Spike coughed, then looked around. None of the other ponies had noticed what just happened. Twilight also coughed violently, having gasped, thus swallowing some of the foulness. The glow on her horn remained. She was good at maintaining spells if nothing else. Both of them tried to sweep away the cloud to see what had appeared.
An enormous stallion hovered where the rock was, supported by a pair of black-feathered wings. Very thick, curly, coal-black fur, covered his body. His eyes glowed bright orange like live embers, while his hooves were cloven, and gleamed like polished obsidian. He had a long horn, just like an alicorn would, but also six smaller horns that adorned his head like a crown, barely visible beneath his coarse, shaggy mane. Across his back was a massive, rectangular shield, and his side: a curved sword of onyx.
As for the rock in question, this stallion held it aloft with a hoof. It still glowed with Twilight's magic.
Eyes wide, Twilight raised her horn to lift the rock.
The strange stallion lifted the rock higher.
She shifted her head to the right. The stallion slightly moved the rock to the right. Sweating, Twilight raised her horn high. The stallion flew up, carrying the rock with him.
"So..." Spike said.
"What is going on?" Twilight asked loudly. Nearby ponies looked at her, then sidled away. She didn't notice them as her gaze was on the stallion as he landed, rock still on hoof. "Who are you? What are you doing?"
The stallion raised a bushy eyebrow. "Ah, you can see me. How interesting. I had figured you would eventually discover this."
"Who are you, and what are you doing?" Twilight asked again, her tone steely this time.
The stallion did a little bow while still holding the rock up. "I am Graz'zt, the Dark Prince, the most cunning, most powerful, and sexiest demon lord throughout the Infinite Layers of the Abyss. Currently, I am moving this rock about in accordance to our pact, Miss Twilight Sparkle."
Twilight's jaw dropped. "You're a...a demon?"
"Demon lord," Graz'zt replied. "Note the difference."
"B-but I never made a pact with any demon!" Twilight spluttered. "There must be some mistake!"
Several ponies were staring now. Probably out of worry for the princess shouting at a rock she was levitating while talking about demons. Spike forced a grin and shooed them away, mumbling half-hearted excuses about just another crazy experiment.
"Not you in person," Graz'zt said. "The pact was made on a racial level. Unicorns summon us for mundane tasks, and they will spend a year in our service for each instance of summoning. After they die, that is. Currently, Miss Twilight Sparkle, you owe me twelve thousand, six hundred, and seventy-two -including this one- years of servitude. Granted, you will not perish of old age as an alicorn, but that also means you have a long, long time to accrue more years in my debt." His eyes flared briefly, and his lips parted slightly to reveal a long fang. "You best hope that you are not killed, dear princess. Though, you have forever to play the odds. I wonder how long your luck will hold..."
Twilight swallowed, took a step back, then laughed nervously. "S-suppose I did die," she said "What sorts of things can I expect in your servitude?"
Graz'zt's lips twisted a bit. "Well, I don't have a lot of concrete plans laid out. We demons like to be spontaneous. However..." He reared up, still holding the rock, as...something unsheathed between his hindlegs.
Spike knew what a pony's penis looked like, having perused plenty of Biology books whenever curiosity seized him. The thing that emerged had the general shape of one, albeit with the length and girth of a stout oak branch. Wicked barbs covered its black, leathery flesh, some curving towards the front, others to the rear, to ensure horrible agony no matter which way the thing slid. More horrifying were the many, circular mouths, ringed with pointed teeth, that dotted the thing's length. They babbled, slurped, and smacked their lips, their drool hissing loudly when they hit the ground.
"I'll start by riding you like the animal you are for the first thousand years," Graz'zt said. "By that time, I should have a good feeling of what hurts you, and what really hurts you. Armed with that knowledge, I can start thinking up more exquisite activities for us to enjoy."
Twilight reared up, and let out a scream. Her telekinesis broke. With it gone, Graz'zt simply disappeared in a puff of smoke, letting the rock drop. She made a dash back to the castle, leaving everypony wondering about what their beloved princess was up to now.
"Spike, take a letter," Twilight said as she paced the castle halls. "Hurry!"
Spike found a piece of parchment easily enough. The quills that were within easy reach had run out, though. He spotted some on top of a nearby high shelf. He pointed towards at it then looked to Twilight who cast a spell absentmindedly.
By the next instant, Graz'zt had the quills in hoof, offering them to Spike.
"Um...thanks," Spike said. Graz'zt did a little salute before disappearing in another puff of smoke.
"Dear Princess Celestia," Twilight said. "I have discovered a terrible thing about one of the most basic spells known to unicorns. I need to see you and the other princesses right away!"
Spike finished the letter with a flourish, then set it on dragonfire, on par with procedure. Instead of fading away, however, the letter flew past the open window, towards a waiting, massive claw of gleaming platinum scales. Both Spike and Twilight rushed towards the window to see.
Outside the castle hovered a majestic dragon with fine scales like polished platinum. His flapping wings should have stirred up gale force drafts, but the rest of Ponyville seemed fine. Despite his size, the dragon pinched the tiny letter between two claws, and looked ready to depart.
"Wait!" shouted Spike. The great dragon held his place, then swiveled his head towards Spike. Two massive eyes of the deepest azure stared on with bemusement.
"You can see me, little one," the dragon said. "What more do you wish of me? I'm already carrying your letters to your demon-loving princess."
"Who are you?" Spike asked breathlessly.
The dragon raised his head, and put a claw over his chest. "I am Bahamut, the Platinum Dragon, god of good dragons and the pursuit of wealth for noble causes through noble means."
"Are you going to torture me for thousands of years too?" Spike asked.
Bahamut rumbled in his chest. "Of course not, Spike. I'm a god of good dragons. When you die, you will be by my side, and we'll fight the hordes of Tiamat together." With that, he flew off to Canterlot at tremendous speeds. So fast, that they didn't even see a distant silhouette.
"Yes!" Spike crowed, pumping both fists in the air. He turned towards Twilight, who was glaring daggers at him. He shrugged before replying. "Not my fault it's different with dragons."
No reply letter arrived. A pity as Spike would have really liked to see how Bahamut made him burp letters out. Instead, Equestria's royalty themselves flew in. He did have enough time to prepare some tea.
"Twilight, we came as soon as we were able," Celestia said. "What's wrong?"
"This best be important," Luna added. "You musn't think you can summon powerful and important beings for mundane reasons."
"I'm sure it is," said Cadence. "Twilight would never obssess over small, inconsequential things."
Twiligh threw her hooves up. "Oh, Celestia, it's terrible! I've just discovered that our telekinesis doesn't move objects with the power of our minds! Instead, it summons invisible demons to move them for us! Apparently, I've been summoning a demon lord named Graz'zt all this time, and he's going to do horrible things to me if I die!"
The worried look on Celestia's face turned to sad realization. "Oh, I see..." she said softly. "You've discovered the truth."
"Pffft..." Luna chuckled. "You thought we moved things with the power of our minds? Have you seen the brainpower on some of these unicorns?"
Cadence, on the other hoof, was livid. "You summoned Graz'zt? You? Unbelievable! I'm the Princess of Love! You'd think I'd have the sexy demon lord do my telekinesis. Instead...instead..."
"Who do you summon?" Spike asked. "I got Bahamut, the Platinum Dragon."
Cadence replied by enveloping Spike with her magic. With a puff of black smoke, a giant gob of ochre goo emerged from a portal, grasping Spike, and lifting him. He opened his mouth to say something, but the horrid stench reduced him to gagging. Nearby, Luna sighed, and intoned a spell of her own. It sounded like the same bad poem that Twilight's Arcane Sight used. Her magic enveloped her and the other princesses.
"Juiblex, the Faceless Lord," Celestia said. She made an obvious attempt to suppress a chuckle. "It's not so bad."
"It's demon slime," Cadence snapped. "Twilight gets to spend thousands of years with the lord of incubi, while I get demon slime."
"Y-y-you knew?" Twilight asked. "How could you know? My spell..."
"Oh, Twilight," Celestia said. "You're only good at completing half-finished spells and replicating original ones, not creating your own. Starswirl the Bearded completed this spell a long time ago."
"Starswirl again?" Spike muttered once Juiblex let him go. "Can't we get other unicorns?"
"We are getting a different one," Luna replied. "This is a different unicorn who just happens to share the name."
Spike's eyes widened. "What? Just how many ancient unicorns were called that?"
Luna tapped her chin briefly. "Hmm...I believe it was nearly all of them. It was a very popular name."
"Hush!" Twilight snapped. She focused on Celestia. "Why? If you knew about this, why didn't you say anything? And what is this 'racial pact' they're talking about?"
Celestia pointed her horn at the tea set. With a puff of blackness, a gigantic tentacle erupted into being, somehow perfectly lifting a tea cup with its very tip. A shaggy, hideous creature emerged from the smoke, towering over all of them. It had two heads, both resembling misshapen, feral baboon heads with colorful manes around them. The huge tentacle was actually its right arm, and another one sprouted from its left shoulder. It stood on two, talon-tipped legs, while its long, sinuous tail, split in the middle, twitched behind it like a living scourge. The demon lifted the tea cup to Celestia's lips, and she took a long sip. "First of all, if I'm going to spend thousands of years as a plaything of Demogorgon, why shouldn't others share my fate? As for why we did it..." she shrugged. "We thought it was a good idea at the time. It made the unicorns the best of the three races. I mean, everypony wants to be a unicorn thanks to their ability to manipulate objects at a distance."
Seeing Twilight reduced to angry and confused spluttering, Spike turned to Luna. "What about you, Your Highness? Who do you summon?"
"I summon Orcus, Demon Lord of Undeath," Luna replied. "However, I do not plan to serve him afterwards. No, I have his death waiting for him when the time comes." With that, she produced a single silver arrow.
"Luna, that's just a Greater Arrow of Orc Slaying," Celestia said after another sip from Demogorgon's proffered tea. "Orcs are extinct in our world."
"Is that what it looks like?" Luna said with a smug smile. She let Spike have a closer look. Indeed, the label along the shaft read "Greater Arrow of Orcus Slaying", but the "us" appeared scribbled on with a permanent marker.
"This is terrible..." Twilight wept. "Just terrible."
"Don't feel so bad, Twilight," Celestia said. She finished off her tea. Once Demogorgon put the cup down, he disappeared. "You just have to avoid being killed. You are immortal after all. If it makes you feel better, it's not just unicorns stuck with this fate." She looked outside the castle's window. "Look."
The others crowded around the window for the conveniently placed coincidence. Outside, Pinkie Pie was dancing around, working herself into a song.
At once, another portal opened up next to Pinkie. A huge, goat-like, bipedal demon emerged, carrying a perfectly-sized electric guitar. Behind him were several minotaurs, but these ones had rosy red hides, and glowing eyes. They all carried different instruments. Once Pinkie started singing, they started playing a lilting, surprisingly cheery tune to match her.
"Oh no," Spike said, his claws to his cheeks. "What about Rarity? What horrible demon will torment her soul?"
"Shall we take a look?" Celestia suggested.
They flew across the town, with Spike on Celestia's back and the near catatonic Twilight on Luna's. When they landed next to Carousel Botique, Demogorgon appeared again. This time, to apply special makeup to disguise the princesses' features. Spike hurried towards the window.
Inside the botique, Rarity was working on another dress. Her needle and thread moved through the hooves of a gigantic, hairless, golden stallion with brilliant pools of white light for eyes. It was this stallion who sewed in perfect sync with Rarity's telekinesis.
Nearby, Twilight roused herself from her catanoia enough to take a look. "Who's that?" she asked.
"Oh, that's Zaphkiel the Watcher," Celestia replied. "Ruler of Chronias, the Highest Heaven, and Custodian of the Unborn and Stillborn Souls, the most innocent of all life."
"And apparently Rarity's sewing assistant," Luna added.
"Custodian of Unborn..." Spike tasted the term on his lips. "That doesn't sound very demonic."
"Of course not," Celestia said. "Zaphkiel is a celestial paragon and one of the greatest forces of good to ever exist in the multiverse. Rarity's pact with him ensures that she will spend eternity in paradise."
Spike pumped both fists in the air. "Yes!"
"What?" Twilight exclaimed. "How does that happen? And why her?"
Celestia merely shrugged. "I don't know. It's certainly an anomaly. Unicorn magic just works in mysterious ways."
When Spike started doing a happy little jig, Twilight wrapped her front hooves around his throat. Before Twilight could throttle him, however, Celestia spoke again. "This has gone on long enough. Twilight, tell us what you've learned so we may be off."
Twilight stared at the princesses in confusion, then back to Spike. ""Um...uh...I love you, Spike, and I now cherish our time together more especially since I'm going to spend millenium being tortured by a demon lord?"
"What?" Spike glared at Twilight. "That's fucking la
Author's Note
Obviously not part of Upheaval.
