Chapters Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
A Gross Canterlot Wedding
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 1: A Gross Canterlot Wedding
To Celestia, Twilight couldn't have looked more beautiful if today had been their actual wedding day.
Twilight's dress glittered in the artificial lights of Rarity's tax-code-compliant Canterlot Boutique. Unlike Celestia's more traditional dress, Twilight's hung to either side of her, leaving her rear legs uncovered. The ruffles and jeweled neckline marked it as a fashion maven's pride. There was so much chiffon. Celestia wished she wasn't required to be a bastion of tradition at her own wedding. She'd have liked to wear something as modern and, dare she say it, scandalous. But such were the sacrifices demanded of the Princess of Equestria. The rewards would be worth it.
After all, far more voices had objected to the announcement of their marriage than what they would be wearing. Twilight, despite being an alicorn and a princess in her own right, was still a commoner by blood, and a usurper in the eyes of many. Many more decried her having been Celestia's student once upon a time. Aren't you like a mother to her? they clamored. Aren't you like a million years older than her?
Celestia had ignored the slights at both her relationship with her fiancee and her age. After all, to one so aged, any potential mate would seem a child by comparison. An alicorn though she might have been, Celestia was still a pony; she deserved to love and be loved! For her own sake, she had long ago decided she wouldn't let a number impede her prospective happiness. This was why she liked touching foals.
What? Wait, I don't like tou--
Yes indeed, Celestia had long ago realized she could cut her losses, and so began a centuries-long reign of terror wreaked upon the youth of Equestria.
No! Where are these thoughts--
Colts and fillies would cry to their parents about the wicked Sun Mare who crept into their rooms as they slept, doing unspeakable things to them.
Stop! It's all lies!
It began, of course, a thousand years ago when she would visit her sister--
"I DO NOT MOLEST FOALS!"
In the ensuing awkward silence, somepony coughed. A few customers filed out the door a few moments after.
"That is... good to know," said Rarity, with as much decorum as could be salvaged in a situation like this. Rarity was good at salvaging decorum, no lie, yet even she couldn't muster much at that point in time.
"Are you all right?" Twilight asked, her eyes full of pity.
Celestia swallowed. "I... suppose I've had some things weighing on my mind of late." She turned to Rarity. "May we have a moment?"
"Of course." Rarity smiled and nodded toward the back room. Celestia yanked Twilight into the room with her magic, slamming the door after them.
Twilight's expression went from confused to fearful. "Is... is this about the wedding?"
Steeling herself, Celestia turned away from Twilight and sucked in a breath. "In a way. Twilight, I don't know how to say this..." She glanced over her shoulder. Twilight's eyes had filled with tears.
"Just say it!" Twilight cried, voice breaking on a sob. "Whatever it is, if you love me, Celestia, you can tell me!"
"I do love you, Twilight." Celestia closed her eyes. "Please believe me when I say that's true." She clenched her teeth. There really was no easy way to say it.
"It is you who does not love me ."
There was a pause. Twilight started to cry. "I... I don't understand!"
"Do you remember how we got together, Twilight?" Celestia asked softly.
Twilight hiccupped. "W-we got drunk. And had a knife fight."
"And then you told me I looked like your mother, and we consummated our deepest, most forbidden incestual desires." Celestia let out a breath. "And it was all because I... cast a spell on you, that would make you want to do that with me." She clenched her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. This was the moment; this would be when it all ended.
"You mind-controlled me?"
The pitch of Twilight's screech confirmed Celestia's darkest fears. She regretted having done it in the first place. It was all over; she would pay full-life consequences.
As she reflected on it, she had to wonder: why had she thought mind-controlling Twilight had been a good idea?
"All those feelings," Twilight continued. Celestia turned and saw her shrugging out of the gorgeous wedding dress. "The relationship, the wedding, the sex ." Twilight regarded her with tear-stained cheeks. "It was all a lie!"
"All I can say is I'm sorry, Twilight." Celestia bowed her head. "I know it isn't enough to atone for what I've done. But now the air is cleared, before we went through with something we might have regretted. I know you're likely to be emotional. You may even not wish to speak to me again. Just know, if you need somepony to talk to, I'll be here. Whatever you want to do... I will accept it."
She looked up. Sadness and anger flashed across Twilight's face. She shook her head violently, flinging tears over the room, and loosed a guttural cry of anguish.
"What I want to do?" Twilight screamed. Her horn flared in a summoning spell.
Three bottles appeared in a halo around Twilight's head; Celestia, chagrined, noted the wine had been meant for their wedding reception. With a pop, Twilight uncorked two of them and upended them over her mouth, one after another, letting most of the wine spill over the carpet. Rarity was going to have a fit.
Celestia took a step back. "T-Twilight, what are you doing?"
Twilight raised the third bottle over her head. She brought it down on her horn with enough force to shatter it, sending bits of glass coruscating down her mane and drenching her front half in fifty-year-old pinot noir. That had been a good year, too.
Loosing the battle cry of her unicorn warlord ancestors -- a horrid death whinny -- Twilight bellowed, "I'M KICKING YOUR ASS!"
Author's Note
I got so mad about Flint-Lock's story Ms. Celestia , I had to write this. If you actually like Twilestia, go read that, because it's honestly a pretty decent story. Beyond here lies only madness.
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Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
Ponies Make Epic Knife Fights, or the Immortal Butt
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 2: Ponies Make Epic Knife Fights, or The Immortal Butt
The air shimmered as Twilight cast another spell, a combination summoning/conjuration. Dozens of implements, from knives to swords to something that was most definitely not meant for cutting (it was vibrating), materialized in front of her. Celestia took a step back, then another, until she found her rear end smooshed up against a pair of half-adorned ponnequins.
"Twilight, let's be reasonable. I understand you're upset, but you needn't resort to violence."
"Like Tartarus I don't!" Twilight sent three of the knives whizzing toward Celestia's head. She ducked to the side, leaving one embedded in the wall behind her. "Come on and fight me, old mare!"
"Twilight, please!" Celestia teleported to the other side of the room, only to duck to the side past a pair of knives. "Why are you doing this?"
Twilight snarled. "Because I'm a mean drunk !"
A bevy of blades thunked into the wall behind Celestia as she scrambled for escape, stopping short as the door burst open in front of her.
"Excuse me !" exclaimed a shrill voice. "I will not have roughhousing in my boutique!" Rarity gasped. "And look what you've done to my walls! Out, now, the both of you! Take it outside, or I swear I will have Applejack string you both up from the highest yardarm!"
Celestia and Twilight looked at each other. Twilight very quietly removed the knives from the far wall. Heads low, they both shuffled out the door, mumbling, "Sorry, Rarity." The other store customers watched them, confused, as they made their way outside.
"Well, now, Twilight," Celestia said as they made their way across the street to give the Boutique a wide berth. "Since you're feeling better, why don't we--"
She was cut off as a knife sliced through her mane. It didn't damage anything, of course -- her mane had ceased to be material centuries ago -- but it did get her attention. Celestia glowered at the alicorn she had once called student, friend and lover.
"To the sky, then," she said, taking wing and leaving Twilight no chance for response. A flurry of swords shot past her, and though she was able to dodge them all, she was growing irritated.
"Twilight, I will give you one more chance." She faced her opponent in Canterlot airspace, keeping as much distance as she could. "End this hostility. Give yourself time to cool down, and we can talk things over."
"EENOPE!" Twilight drew her knives into a single bundle and shoved them all at Celestia's face. It was a sloppy attack that missed, as it should have, but even in her drunken state, Twilight was dangerous. It had been a cover for the vibrating thing, which emerged out of the blue and plonked Celestia right on the nose.
It hurt more than just Celestia's nose.
"Very well." Fuming, she wheeled around to place herself between Twilight and the sun. "You leave me no choice but to beat some sense into your drunken head!"
Celestia cast a spell she had not used in centuries. The sunlight streaming around her hardened, coalescing into a sword nearly as long as she was tall. It was all blade -- for who needed a hilt when wielding a sword created from pure magic? -- curving forward like the belly of the sun itself before ending in a wicked, jagged point.
This was her heart-blade, the weapon all alicorns, and those few legendarily powerful unicorns, could create with their innermost magic. It was a reflection of the wielder's very soul, of their cutie mark, and Celestia was momentarily thankful that Twilight had yet to master its secret. Or, possibly, even learn about it; she always had been a little slow. Oh well, the cat was out of the bag now.
As heart-blades went, Celestia's was far and away the most beautiful and powerful. Only Luna's could rival it, but that had been a thousand years ago. Since then, Celestia's sword had seen less and less frequent use -- stopping a griffon warlord here, destroying an ancient terror rising from the depths there -- until its form and name had faded from living memory into the depth of pure myth.
But here, now, staring into the churning heart of her blade, Celestia smiled. Seeing it now was like meeting an old, long absent friend once again. Holding it with her magic felt right; she was whole again. She could never forget its form, nor its name, a name that once only passed the lips of the wicked as the barest whisper, lest they invoke its wrath.
And its name was Sunkillswordbutt.
In her defense, Celestia had learned to fashion her heart-blade when she was five years old, and named it with the fervor intrinsic to all five-year-old fillies. Later, in an attempt to accede to adulthood before she was ready, she had tried to rename it. ("Darklight's Deepest Antishadow". She'd been going through a phase at the time.) Luna had thrown a world-shaking tantrum upon learning of the change and had continued to do so every time Celestia tried to rename her sword, until Celestia finally gave the notion up altogether.
And yet somehow, Luna's sword had the worse name.
Celestia squared off with Twilight, who seemed momentarily confused, awed, or just drunk enough to let her reminisce for like five minutes. She lifted the mighty Sunkillswordbutt before her, sighting along its blade at her newfound rival.
"Have at you!"
Author's Note
I don't know why this story became a parody of The Immortal Game , but it did, and I'm not sorry.
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
The South Rises for Like Seventeen Minutes
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 3: The South Rises for Like Seventeen Minutes
Keep them mem'ries close at hoof, and keep yer guns a-shine. Soon that blessed day will come: retake the Ponyville Line!
Having recited their sacred oath, the crowd stomped, hooted and hollered in front of the stage in Sweet Apple Acres' barn. Up on the recently erected stage, in front of the curtains swiped from Granny's stockpile, Applejack was feeling good. She'd gotten them riled up and reminded them of their sworn duties as True Ponies of South Equestria. Now all she had to do was turn that energy toward their mutual, sworn enemy, and the uprising would be a success.
That said, the lack of certain familial faces saddened her. Big Mac had had a point that they couldn't both lead the revolt; cider season was coming up and there were trees that needed bucking. And Granny Smith got a pass for being too old to fight, though her claim that "Y'all're fixin' t' get yer hides tanned" concerned AJ just a bit. Granny wasn't too old for reconditioning, but that would have to wait until after the uprising was successful.
It was her sister's absence that hit her harder than anything else. Apple Bloom's complete lack of interest in revolution had cut Applejack to her Apple core. Hadn't she raised that filly right? Who could grow up on a farm like theirs and be content with being the slave of the ruling class? She never should have let that girl graduate the second grade.
At least her cousin and numerous other Apples from Appleloosa and elsewhere had made it. Though she wished Braeburn hadn't worn those earrings. They clashed horribly with his dress. He always had been a disappointment.
"All right," she said, turning back to the assembled mob, "listen up, y'all! The Royals're infightin' somethin' fierce over Canterlot, so our time has come at long last! The plan was made long enough ago that y'all oughta know it by heart now."
The crowd hooted and grunted in agreement, except for Ma Hooffield and Big Daddy McColt, who were necking loudly off to the side. Applejack suppressed a shudder; there were not enough teeth between the pair to fill one mouth, let alone two.
"What we're fixin' t'do today is a short inventory," she continued. "Once we're sure we got everythin' we need, it'll be time..." She paused, not only for dramatic effect, but also because she was starting to feel the crowd's excitement herself. "To retake the Ponyville line!"
Hats were thrown in the air. Do-si-dos broke out among the gathered revolutionaries. Applejack couldn't have been prouder.
"So, first order o' business: how many guns we got?"
More than a dozen stallions raised their hooves. AJ grinned.
"Now, are all y'all sure about that?"
A stallion in the front row scoffed.
"Tuh! Sure am, Miss Applejack! Why, my little Potato Sprout--" he nodded to a tan colt standing beside him-- "was called a son of a gun just last Thursday! I done kept track, and I been shinin' myself ever since!"
The other stallions who had identified themselves nodded agreement. A mare behind him coughed and murmured, "You'd better believe he has."
"Well done, then," Applejack said, striding along the stage. "We're off to a great start. Now, all our guns need bullets t' work right, and as y'all know, bullets go fast. So how many fast things did y'all bring?"
Shouts of "I got birds!" and "I brought my wagon!" filled the air. Applejack was happy to note Spoiled Rich, of all ponies, striding forward, her usual smug uppitiness replaced with a smug grin.
The presence of the Riches had really surprised her at first. She never would have considered Ponyville's wealthiest family ripe for revolution; they tended to have ponies that did that kind of thing for them. Maybe their long history with the Apple Family had been what convinced Filthy Rich of the need for the hooves-on approach.
"My husband," said Spoiled as she reached the stage, "is the fastest pony I know. He should suffice, I think."
A slew of low guffaws broke out around the crowd as Filthy Rich's face turned a deep shade of crimson. Applejack chuckled.
"Thank ya kindly, Missus Rich, an' mighty pleased to have yer assistance, too." Catching sight of a waving hoof, she looked up. "Yeah, Cousin Braeburn?"
"I brought Rainbow Dash!"
Applejack was taken aback by that. "Rainbow Dash?"
Braeburn nodded earnestly, earrings jingling. "She's the fastest thing in Equestria!"
Applejack frowned. A disappointment indeed.
"Braeburn, Rainbow Dash is a pegasus . She ain't exactly gonna understand the struggles of our pro-lah-tay-riot." She scanned the skies quickly. "And where is she, anyway?"
"Uhh." Braeburn turned his eyes skyward as well.
Soon, everypony present had their nose pointed up. Shouts of "Is it the North a-comin'?" started up. The crowd was getting antsy; Applejack didn't like where this was going.
"Look," she said, waving her hooves to get everypony's attention, "we got plenty of bullets, we don't need Rainbow Dash. Even if she would be the sexiest-- err, best bullet. Let's just focus on the task at hoof." She gave Braeburn a withering glare. "And go fix yer mascara, Braeburn. If'n ya can't be useful to the cause, ya can at least look pretty fer the revolution."
Braeburn ran off to the little fillies' room, tears streaming down his face.
Shaking her head, Applejack did her best to smile. "Well, that's guns and bullets covered, so we just need one more thing! Cousin Apple Fritter?"
Nodding, the green and yellow mare trotted up on the stage, pulling back the curtain to reveal a stack of dozens of cider crates. Apple Fritter grabbed a crowbar and pried one of them open. Hundreds upon hundreds of glossy pages tumbled out.
"Magazines!" Applejack cheered, and the crowd gave a loud hurrah. She stepped over to the pile and picked a few up, holding them up for the crowd to better see.
"I been collectin' these outta Rarity's trash for the last year! It's a wonder and a shame what them snooty unicorn types'll just throw away." She shook her head sadly. "That's why, when we've finally retaken the Ponyville Line, there'll be rules about needless waste!"
Heads nodded seriously.
Of course, these weren't all the magazines Applejack had found. She knew ahead of time there would be foals present, after all, so she'd kept the more unseemly ones to the side. Under her bed. For, uh, personal research. Especially the swimsuit editions.
Rarity would suffer in the uprising for tearing out all the centerfolds; Applejack would make sure of it.
"The time is nigh!" she shouted, taking a moment to look each of her followers in the eye. "What I'm askin' y'all to do ain't no small task. There's every chance some o' y'all won't make it back. So hug yer foals, kiss yer wives, an' grab as many bullets and magazines as you can carry. Come this day, we retake the Ponyville Line! Yee-haw!"
She reared up on her hind legs, and the mob went crazy, shouting and cheering and rushing the stage to gather magazines as the crates were pried open.
The time had come at long last.
Later that day, an angry mob found itself stymied at the Canterlot City gates. The City Watch gazed down at them warily from atop the parapets, but no hostile action was taken by either side while the assembly tried to make heads or tails of the situation. They had at last called forth a younger member of their number, who could actually read, and she had delivered the fatal news.
"Are ya completely sure?"
The filly nodded. "Yeth, Mith Applejack! It thayth 'No trethpathin''!"
Applejack was crestfallen. She removed her hat and held it over her heart for a moment. Steeling herself, she turned to her assembled followers, giving them a sober look.
"Mares and gentlecolts," she began, "I thank y'all for all yer hard work, but I'm afraid this is the end."
A chorus of awws and boos ran through the crowd.
"Fact is, as True Ponies of South Equestria, we simply can't disrespect property rights. Think o' how you'd feel if'n some Northerner trespassed on your land!"
The disappointment and sadness turned into nods of solemn understanding and more than a few disappointed sniffles. Applejack put her hat back on.
"All right, pack it up. We got refreshments, at least." She sighed. "We'll just have to overthrow Celestia another day, Celestia bless."
Author's Note
For further exploration of this subject, see Ponies Debate Gun Control
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 4: Beer Free or Die Hard
It had been a battle for the ages, the sort about which, centuries ago, bards would have sung epic poems and out of which, today, big-name movie studios would make summer blockbusters.
Of course, it didn't last very long. Standard steel knives and plastic vibrating things did not stand much of a chance against a sword made out of concentrated sunlight. It had been an intense, awesome, and eminently memorable spectacle, but the battle had been rather one-sided in Celestia's favor.
When the last of Twilight's weapons had melted to slag and peppered the earth below in molten death rain, Celestia drew herself up and levelled her sword.
"Do you yield, Princess Twilight Sparkle?"
"Never!" Twilight shouted, panting. "I'll never like you!"
Celestia gritted her teeth and sighed. There was only one thing to do.
"Your mother never told you about your real father, did she?"
Twilight was taken aback. "Uh, no? I'm pretty sure my dad's my real dad. Shining's not, like, a half-brother or anything, last I checked."
Celestia closed her eyes. "Twilight, I am your father."
"That's not true!" Twilight shouted, aghast. "That's impossible!"
"Search your heart!" Celestia bellowed. "You know it to be--"
"No," Twilight said, "I mean, that's literally, physically impossible. I am one hundred percent sure you're a mare!" Her face turned a bright shade of red. "At least, I'm pretty sure I've had enough of a, uh, tour that I don't think I could be wrong. I hope."
Celestia gave her a smug grin. "Oh, Twilight, so young and naive. There are spells that will give a mare a--"
"Nope!" Twilight flew circles around Celestia. "Nope, nope, nope, nope, stop talking, stop talking, la la la la not listening!"
"Seriously, Twilight," Celestia said, one eyebrow raised, "it's a fairly common spell. Maybe not well-known, but hardly kept in the Forbidden Archives."
Twilight spun crazily off to the side, wobbling in the air, stars whirling around her head. "I am going to be sick for numerous reasons!"
"What?" Celestia snickered. "Can't handle the idea that your mother is a kinky slut?"
She had, after all, tapped that on multiple occasions. And sometimes things had happened, things that required court orders and secret alimony payments. Celestia could never bring herself, until this moment, to reveal the truth to Twilight, but she sure as Tartarus could bring herself to have weird incestuous sex with her lovechild; that's way easier.
"You want magic?" Twilight shouted, charging her horn. "I'll give you magic!"
Eyes widening, Celestia lifted her sword, honestly fearful it wouldn't block what was about to come. The spell Twilight was weaving was too intense, too complex for a quick counterspell to negate. The longer Twilight cast, the more intricate it became. Through her magical senses, Celestia could see the instrument of her impending doom. It was as beautiful as it was fatal, a thing of perfect multidimensional symmetries, balancing order and chaos on a knife's edge. She steeled herself for the end, knowing it was only what she deserved.
Then Twilight let out a loud belch.
Celestia couldn't quite believe her eyes. The spell didn't fizzle so much as... barf? It tried to turn itself inside-out, then more or less gave up and left.
"I thiiiink I fucked that one up," Twilight singsonged.
Lowering her sword, Celestia looked around at their surroundings. Nothing seemed to have changed. "What now?"
They both became aware of a high-pitched noise, like glass scraping along steel, somewhere off in the distance. Turning, they saw a dark speck superimposed over Canterlot Palace. As they watched, it grew larger, and the screeching noise became louder. It was almost too late that Celestia realized what was happening.
"Twilight, look out!" she cried, interposing herself between Twilight and the black dot. She wasn't a moment too soon, as a blade composed of uttermost blackness clashed against her own.
Princess Luna snarled in rage. Her blue coat continually replaced and was replaced by black. Armor appeared and disappeared across her body. Her eyes went from calm azure to yellow dragon-slits; fangs emerged and retracted from her mouth. The effect was nauseating to behold.
"Sisssster! " she hissed, her voice sounding as a myriad of tongues speaking at once. "Now shall you meet your doom! "
"Twilight, what did you do? " Celestia cried, barely able to parry her sister's furious blows. Centuries of peace and prosperity in Equestria, not to mention lots and lots of cake, had left Celestia soft, unused to lengthy combat, and entirely at the mercy of a sister for whom the harsher life of a thousand years ago was a much more recent memory.
"DIE! " Luna commanded. The rooftops below them quivered.
And Twilight could do nothing, for her wings were locked, fully outspread. Which meant she was falling to her death.
Stupid alicorn wings.
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
The South Rises for Afternoon Tea
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 5: The South Rises for Afternoon Tea
Cups were stirred, sips were sipped, and little in the way of actual conversation took place. Applejack surveyed the crowd, gathered just downwind of the Canterlot City gates and off city property, and nodded approvingly to herself.
"And consarnit all, it's iced tea!"
Her crowd of would-be revolutionaries murmured their agreement.
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 6: The Big Uh-Oh
Twilight did actually fall to her death.
Or, to be more precise, she fell to her would-have-been-a-death-if-she-weren't-an-alicorn, but that's way harder to say, so we'll just call it 'death'.
Either way, an impact with the cobblestone street after a fifty-foot fall was enough to shake her from her drunken stupor. Oh boy, did she have the mother of all headaches now.
She stood and shook off the dust of pulverized cobbles before turning her gaze skyward. There, she beheld a sight that ancient bards would have sung epic poems about, and that modern big-name movie studios would never, ever, ever get the films rights for.
Princess Luna, half-transformed into Nightmare Moon, wielded a sword of pure darkness against Celestia's sword of pure light, and Luna seemed to be winning. To say the battle was awe-inspiring would have been an understatement. Not only were their martial forms perfection beyond that attainable by mortal pony, the energies they threw around were almost too great for Twilight to comprehend. Celestia wielded a literal tower shield, using the rampart to block the occasional lightning bolt or entire building flung at her by her sister.
Twilight was so turned on right now.
She also found herself in the odd position of not knowing who to root for. She herself had been trying to end Celestia just a few minutes ago, but on reflection, was that what she really wanted? Yes, Celestia deserved to be punished for mind-raping her; she maybe even deserved a little suffering. But fighting her had been a spur-of-the-moment decision made on two bottles of celebratory wine, and not, in hindsight, the best of responses to have made to that situation.
No, she thought. She did not want to see her mentor, friend, former lover and possible progenitor dead, and certainly not by the hoof of said progenitor's own sister. After all, by revealing the truth, Celestia had saved Twilight from a life of experiencing that "non-forbidden" spell and possibly mothering weird incest babies. Granted, it was a life Celestia would have orchestrated herself, but wasn't a last-minute change of heart worth at least a little forgiveness?
Celestia's tower crumbled, showering Canterlot in yet more fragments of stone and mortar, not to mention screaming ponies. Twilight winced as a large rock smashed a hole in the roof of the club above Rarity's boutique. Had they really not moved any further away from it the whole time they were fighting?
Whatever. That club had been dumb anyway.
As the Royal Sisters squared off against each other, Twilight saw her opening. She spread her wings and launched herself into the air, arriving in the gap between the princesses a moment later.
"Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, please stop!" She spread her hooves in what she hoped was a placating gesture. Her head really did hurt, and her own shouting wasn't making her feel any better.
"You never appreciated Mister Bingus! " Luna bellowed, waving her dark blade.
"It's a stupid name for a sword," Celestia said calmly, wiping her forehead. "And I say this as the mare who wields Sunkillswordbutt."
"I will destroy you! " Luna roared.
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Settle down, Bingus."
"Celestia, please," Twilight wheedled. Clasping her hooves to her chest, she turned to the other princess. "Princess Luna, I don't know what my spell did to you, but this isn't the way."
"Move, Twilight Sparkle, lest thou be destroyed also! " shouted Luna. "Our beef is with our sister alone! Revenge has been far too long in coming! "
As Twilight tried not to think too hard about the implications of "our beef is with our sister", Luna pressed her advantage. Mister Bingus threw sparks both bright and darkling as it clashed against Sunkillswordbutt. Boy, those names were not helping her headache either. She really wanted to laugh, to revel in the absurdity of everything that was happening at that moment, no matter how worried she was for the safety of the other princesses.
Thankfully for her poor, abused mind, that was the moment when the skies above Canterlot were rent by a voice nopony had dreamt of in millennia.
"SOMEPONY NEEDS A SPAAAANKIIIING!"
"Sweet Celestia," Twilight whispered, hot redness creeping into her cheeks, "I hope it's me."
The voice rolled across the planet like thunder. It was deep-throated and masculine, if oddly playful. Nightmare Luna gawked as a colossal black hoof, the size of the entirety of Canterlot Mountain, reached down from the clouds and wagged disapprovingly at them. The gargantuan leg connected to the hoof swirled with unfathomable non-colors and formless ideas, driving mad all those who laid eyes upon it who weren't alicorns. Celestia merely crossed her forelegs over her chest and turned her back to it.
"What are you doing here, Dad ?" she asked petulantly.
Luna snickered, trying to hide it with a hoof. "Ooh, you're gonna get it now. "
"I KNOW IT'S BEEN A FEW AEONS, CELLIE, BUT I FELT A VIOLENT UPRISING IN YOUR VICINITY AND WANTED TO SEE HOW YOU WERE GETTING ALONG." The titanic hoof turned toward Luna, as though it were some sort of periscope for the gods. "WHY LU-LU, JUST LOOK AT YOU! GROWN UP INTO THE WORLD-SHATTERING CONQUEROR I ALWAYS KNEW YOU COULD BE!"
"Just taking after you, Dad! " Luna said sweetly, sticking her tongue out at Celestia.
"Ugh!" Celestia threw her hooves up. "Why do you always have to poke your nose into my business? Luna and I were just having a little argument, nothing worth pulling your 'big voice in the sky' routine for! Just leave me alone!"
"NOW, NOW, CELLIE, YOU SHOULD BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER."
Celestia's eye-roll was audible. "You know I banished her to the moon for a thousand years, right?"
The big voice in the sky laughed with such intensity that Twilight had to remember that she needed to breathe regularly, let alone that she could.
"THAT'S MY CELLIE-BELLY, ALWAYS WITH THE FUNNY JOKES!"
"You know I have a kid now, right?" Celestia pointed to Twilight, who wanted nothing more at that moment than to turn invisible, teleport a million miles away, and die.
"REALLY? I'M A GRANDPA? D'AWW, JUST LOOK AT YOU!" There was a tremendous movement of air all around Twilight, as though she had just gotten caught in the midst of a confused hurricane. "HMM, SMELLS A BIT MORTAL. ARE YOU SURE IT'S YOURS?"
Celestia face-hoofed. "Yes. "
"WELL." The voice cleared its throat, shattering windows in all directions. "HEY THERE, CHAMP! SORRY I CAN'T STICK AROUND AND GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER, BUT IF YOU EVER NEED THE STRENGTH TO CONQUER GALAXIES OR REND THE MINDS OF YOUR ENEMIES INTO TINY, SCREAMING BRAIN-NUGGETS, BE SURE TO USE THE RITUAL OF--"
Twilight couldn't be sure what the voice had said next. All she knew was that all of her orifices started bleeding at once and a five-block portion of North Canterlot was liquified. It was a shame; her favorite donut shop had been there.
"--AND YOU CAN SUMMON YOUR OL' GRANDPAP UP LICKETY-SPLIT!
"ANYWAY, CELLIE, LU-LU, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT WE'RE PROUD OF YOU. OR, AT LEAST, YOUR MOTHER WOULD BE IF SHE WEREN'T BUSY CAUSING MILLENNIUM PLAGUES IN THREE DIFFERENT STAR SYSTEMS. THE FICKLE TART." This last part was added in a murmur that was still loud enough to send rocks tumbling from the mountain into the city. There were no survivors.
Celestia ground her teeth. "Whatever , Dad."
The hoof retracted into the sky. "BYE-BYE, GIRLS, YOU TWO PLAY NICE NOW!" As the clouds closed up behind it, it chuckled, "A THOUSAND YEARS ON THE MOON. GOOD ONE!"
An eerie silence stretched over Canterlot as the sky returned to something like normalcy. It was broken only by the wailing and gnashing of mortal pony teeth in the streets below, and Luna's uproarious laughter.
"Sister, please," Celestia whined. Luna only laughed harder.
Now that the mind-melting chaos had subsided and she'd gotten a moment to think, Twilight remembered what she'd been doing here. This was her chance; it was now or never. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"Okay. Since you two have stopped fighting for a minute, I have something I want to say. First, I have the coolest grandpa ever."
Celestia face-hoofed again. "Please don't summon him. He'll never let me hear the end of it."
Twilight grinned. "Second, if there's one thing I've learned today, it's that families are really, really, really weird sometimes. But it's okay. No matter how strange your relationship--" she gave Celestia a pointed look-- "they're still your family. And families forgive."
Luna snorted. "Let me guess. She mind-controlled you into saying that. "
"W-what?" Twilight was taken aback. "No! I... I shook off her mind-control when I hit my head!"
"Oh, Twilight." Celestia shook her head sadly. "It's not so simple, I'm afraid. I mind-controlled everyone: Discord, Luna, even myself! Such spells are not easy to remove."
Luna surprised them both by loosing a peal of maniacal laughter. She curled in on herself, shaking, as Twilight and Celestia looked on in mutual confusion.
"That was me! " Luna guffawed. "I mind-controlled you into doing that! Everything you did, Celestia, it was my will all along! "
"Gasp!" said Twilight.
Celestia could only stare, open-mouthed.
"Yes! " Luna caught her breath. "I mind-controlled you into mind-controlling both of us-- "
"And Discord," Celestia added.
Nightmare Luna rolled her eyes. "Both of us and Discord so that when the secret of your mind control was revealed, you and Twilight would break up! " A fang-filled grin crept over her face. "And then I could have her all to myself! "
Twilight drew in a sharp breath, one hoof to her mouth and tears in her eyes.
"You... You mind-controlled your own sister? For me ?"
Somewhere in the frozen waste of space that is actually Northern Equestria, a pretty pink pony princess was awakened by a disturbance in the Love Force.
"Shiny," she said, shaking her bedmate. "Shiny, wake up! I feel as though thousands of voices cried out in shipping anguish and were silenced!"
Her partner groaned into his pillow.
"It's your turn to deal with the baby tonight, Cadey." He rolled over, pulling all the covers with him.
But it wasn't the horrendous, frigid cold that kept Princess Cadence shivering all that long night.
From Twilight's perspective, it seemed as though Princess Luna had changed. Sure, she was still undergoing a constant metamorphosis that caused the mortal mind to rebel against itself, but despite this, she had taken on something of an otherworldly glow. Yes, she was most definitely glowing. It was like tiny angels were singing her graces.
"You are so hot right now," Twilight breathed. Her wings locked up and she started falling to her death again, but this time she had the presence of mind to cast her student's weird self-levitation spell before she got too far.
Luna grinned. She gave Twilight a knowing wink before regaining her usual form.
"Yes," said Twilight, moving closer to Luna. "I am most definitely attracted to you in ways I had never before realized I could be."
"Oh, Twilight, my darling," Luna breathed in a much more normal voice, wrapping her beloved in wings of night. "I have loved you ever since my sister birthed you from her loins."
"Does that make you my aunt?" Twilight asked. "Not that I really care, I suppose... I guess I'm more into incest than I thought!"
"It's the alicorn wings talking, Twilight," said Luna, escorting her back to the Palace. "Come, let us 'do it', as they say in the modern parlance. And I shall show you my abacus."
"Oh, Luna!" Twilight cried, swooning all over her.
And thus, Celestia was left alone in Canterlot sovereign airspace with no company other than her stupidly named glowy sword.
"Well, chessbutt," she said.
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Chapter 7: Hark! A Good Ship!
Later that night, Celestia lay alone in her room, cradling a pint of Double Dipple Fudge Ripple ice cream she had stolen from her sister and some of the swimsuit centerfolds she had stolen from Rarity. Perhaps the whole fiasco with Twilight could have been avoided if she'd exercised a little more self-restraint and not mind-controlled quite so many ponies. But, if the moans of pleasure echoing through the Palace were any indicator, Twilight was happy being with Luna, and so maybe the whole experience had been worth it anyway. Her sister, bratty daddy's girl though she was, deserved nice things.
She just knew they were gonna have, like, a million babies.
Suddenly and without any warning, Discord appeared!
"Celestia," he cried, "I am in your room now!"
He fixed Celestia with a smoldering look that removed any thought of complaint or protest. He was wearing a doublet, which had mysteriously come open, revealing his rippling abs. If Celestia was being completely honest with herself, he was looking so handsome.
A flood of memories returned to her: picnics in the Everfree Forest; laughing and splashing in the great, churning waterfalls; nights spent in the high tower of the castle, away from the prying eyes of both parents and little sibling. She had later told herself that it had just been a phase, part of an adolescent filly's rebellion against her world-destroying parents.
But in that moment, she realized: she and Discord had really had a good thing back then. Who needed Twilight what's-her-face?
"Oh Discord!" she cried, swooning.
Discord scooped her into his arms. "Celestia, my love. I knew that triple-mind-controlling your sister into mind-controlling you into mind-controlling her and you and Twilight and myself was the surest way to get Twilight and Luna together so that I could have you all to myself!"
"How convoluted!" She moaned, gazing deliriously into his mismatched eyes. "That must have been why I was having intrusive, out-of-character thoughts!"
"Indeed it was!"
"Oh, Discord," she said again, double-swooning, "let's do it!"
"Yes," he said, and laid her upon the bed. "And I will leave my head on."
As Discord kissed along her neck, Celestia cried out in the purest ecstasy of true love.
"Oh, Discord, this is just like in my fanfictions!"
Discord turned and gave you a pointed look.
"Isn't it just?"
Author's Note
http://www.harkavagrant.com/index.php/index.php?id=120
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance
Epilogue: "Ponies! Make Wa'r!"
Beer and a Knife Fight 3: Beer Hard With a Vengeance by Present Perfect
Epilogue: "Ponies! Make Wa'r!"
At Ma Hooffield's exclamation, the crowd of assembled would-be revolutionaries rose to do battle. Ponies rolled birds (and Filthy Rich) in magazine pages as fast as their hooves would allow. Torches and pitchforks sprang up like so many trees. A pair of brothers from Appleloosa looked at each other, destiny shining in their eyes. Property rights be darned, their time was at hoof! They would retake the Ponyville Line!
That is, until Applejack rushed into the center of their group, waving her hooves like a madmare. "Stop, stop! What're y'all doin'? I thought we gave up an' were marchin' home now!"
A stallion pointed at Ma Hooffield. "She said we could make war!"
Applejack rolled her eyes and let out the biggest groan, you guys .
"Land's sakes, that ain't what she said a'tall! She said 'make water'!"
"Wadder we doin' again?" asked a pony.
Applejack face-hoofed. "Wah-tur! "
Ma nodded sternly. "I dunno 'bout all y'all, but after drinkin' all that tea, I could out-piss a camel! So if'n ya gotta piddle, I figger right here's the best place for it. Stallions go that-a-way, and fillies this'n!" So saying, she trotted off the path to the trees on the left, grumbling, "Honestly, y'all gotta learn to speak Equestrian."
The pitchforks and torches were lowered sullenly. The brothers from Appleloosa shared a defeated hug, swearing that next time would be their time. But as the group of ponies surveyed the woods around them, they had to agree, it was a fairly nice spot, worth stopping in for any reason. The wind rustled the treetops gently, carrying soft birdsong through the peaceful wooded meadow.
It was pastoral panoramas like this that they were fighting for: the true beauty and majesty of South Equestria. Try finding a place like this in Canterlot! You couldn't. Some ponies even began to weep openly at the sight, so filled were they with patriotic splendor. If revolution was not to be for a day, a year, or a century, they would keep this feeling close to their hearts, and live the true Equestrian life their ancestors dreamed of.
Then they were all eaten by bears or sharks or something.
THE COMPLETE AND FINAL END
Author's Note
That's right, there will not be a Beer and a Knife Fight 4 . I don't think I could live with myself if there were. :V
Many thanks to iisaw -- who also did the cover art -- Syeekoh , Filler and Garnot for going way above and beyond the call of duty with feedback on this thing. I mean, seriously, this is just a stupid crackfic, far too much work has been put into it. If you've read all three stories, I salute you and your stellar tolerance for bullshit. I hope it was worth it.
