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                      Dæling With Yt                       
                      -by Hazel Mee-                       
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                   2 - Settling In (v2)                    
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2 - Settling In (v2)
Noctilucent admired the architecture of Ponyville General Hospital as she trotted along its dirt road.
A beautiful example of timber frame construction, and while it was no grand palace, she appreciated its robust simplicity. Noctilucent had read that the centre of the building was once the three-story home of Ponyville's first doctor, back when the village was a mere cluster of farms. As the town grew, two 'T' shaped wings were added on either side, and what was once a home now served as the reception, offices, and living quarters for some of the staff.
If all went well, she would call it 'home' by nightfall.
The doctor's house was built from the ruins of a noblepony's great hall, the fire-scorched foundation stones dug up and reused. All of Ponyville was contained within the bounds of what had been Dame Willow Reed's domain.
She'd been a reasonably just lady if perhaps overly vain. A peacock amongst lesser fowl in the courts of the Castle of the Two Sisters. An overly florid manner of dress and speech with her lips always ready to snipe, jest, and spread innuendo. Her witty ways charmed all who heard her giggling voice.
Even the Sisters were not been immune to her merry mockery.
Princess Luna enjoyed Dame Reed's company but the mare's japes had come to a bloody end when Nightmare Moon tore her sun-loving body asunder and pierced her head with a spike.
Dipped in tar, the trophy had been displayed just there by the hospital's entrance.
Noctilucent's trot slowed and her nose wrinkled as she remembered the disgusting stench of blood and ruptured guts, of burning wood, hair, and flesh.
Forces loyal to the Night destroyed many noble domains during the days-long Eclipse. Committing atrocities to spur her sister's besieged forces to come out and do battle. They butchered Dame Reed's herd-wives, their husband and their offspring — indeed all the retainers, serfs, and livestock.
Nopony was spared.
The ground 'neath Ponyville was sown with bones and soaked in blood.
A sudden burst of loud bird song jolted Noctilucent out of her dark memories and her body shuddered as the tension in her muscles suddenly relaxed.
She was standing in grass by the hospital's wide sign-board, on which the bird perched while singing his little heart out. Noctilucent smiled at the colourful little bundle of feathers and wiped at her damp eyes with a fetlock. Though her heart ached, gazing at the hospital with its familiar style of architecture helped soothe her nerves. It did not jar her the way the brick, concrete, steel, and glass monstrosities in Manehattan had when she'd toured Equestria with her sister. She loved the rural medieval tone to everything in Ponyville, from the buildings to the ponies — it felt a touch less alien even as it stirred painful memories.
She stepped back from the large signboard and noticed the heraldic symbol painted on it.
Argent, un roundel Sanguine, contenant une croix Argent entre quatre coeurs Rose. A fitting emblem for a hospital. A bloody wound, mended with bandages and care.
She sighed and then snorted at her wandering mind.
She wasn't here to reminisce. From her bulging saddlebags she pulled out a folder of paperwork and tried to settle herself into the task ahead by re-reading it. She'd ordered the sheaf of documents prepared, in secret of course, by trustworthy ponies in the newly re-founded Night Court. Another blessing from her thoughtful sister; to find a ready court of aides and servants awaiting her return. Several members were even fluent in Old Canterlot or 'Courtly Speech' as Luna would name it.
After a quick read through the high points, Noctilucent tucked the paperwork away and took a deep, shaky breath. Held it. Exhaled. Luna had helped found and defend this realm for many centuries, led fierce armies into battle, crushed mighty foes beneath her own hooves, she would not be unmared by memories or fear of falling on her snoot during her first day in this new role!
Strong and passionate once more she trotted to the front doors and suddenly shied aside as a truly massive pea-green earth pony stallion exited the hospital. He opened both doors, ducking his head as he seemed to squeeze through. Both of his hind legs were tightly wrapped in white bandages from hock to pastern though that didn't stop him from politely holding one of the doors open.
"We, I-I mean, th-thank you, g-good gentlecolt," she stammered as she bowed her head down low and blinked up at him through her bangs.
Noctilucent paused in the doorway, blinking as she waited her eyes adjust to the dim interior. Most of the curtains were drawn, turning the intense brightness of the sunny day into warm orange marmalade. Large ceiling fans spun lazily over two rows of benches where a hoofful of ponies sat or reclined. The artificial breeze smelled of pine-scented floor cleanser and antiseptic, and very faintly of the sour odour of sickness. Her nose itched a little as she trotted past the benches to the reception desk. One of the waiting ponies sneezed and pressed a hoofkerchief to her muzzle, several read tatty magazine, a couple chatted quietly, and one mare appeared to be asleep. None paid Noctilucent even the slightest bit of attention. Excellent.
At the desk Noctilucent quietly said, "H-hello?"
The nurse sitting behind it was an earth pony mare with an orchid purple coat. Her white and purple striped mane was bound up in a large bun and she wore a white nurse's cap. She glanced up at Noctilucent and muttered, "Just a moment, prease," before resuming making notes in a patient's file with a pencil held between her white teeth.
Noctilucent hummed to herself quietly and felt a touch nervous as she waited. A great deal rode on this first interaction with the hospital's staff. Her ears rotated and twitched to the sound of muted conversation, clattering pans, and hoofsteps which echoed slightly down the corridors on either side of the waiting hall.
The pencil clattered on the desktop and the receptionist closed the folder she'd been writing in. She placed it on a short pile of paperwork and asked, "Okay, what can I do for you, dear? There's an hour wait for trot-ins and visiting hours are until four P.M."
Noctilucent's nervous smile flickered a couple of times before settling in place. "We, umm, I, I mean 'I'. I am here for a 'work placement'?"
The nurse smiled warmly and said, "Oh, you're interning with us? It's nice to meet you, I'm Head Nurse Sweetheart. Let's get you checked in, shall we? Do you have the transfer paperwork?"
Noctilucent nodded and brushed her mane out of her eyes. She magicked open one of her saddle bags and extracted the folder of paperwork she'd been reviewing outside. She levitated it onto the desk and nibbled her lower lip as Sweetheart quickly flipped through the forged documents.
The palace staff assured her that the paperwork was solid and even a legal statement of her abilities as a therapist though the where and when she acquired her skills were a bald lie. Certainly, her understanding of what drove pony behaviour was as applicable today as it had been for the last few millennia and she spent weeks cramming recent theory into her head. Doing with raw alicorn intelligence and many, many mugs of coffee that which would take a lesser pony years to achieve.
"Oh, my! A letter of recommendation from Celestia's own hoof?" Nurse Sweetheart stared in amazement at Noctilucent and said, "We can certainly use the talents of a fine young lady such as yourself."
Noctilucent smiled wanly and hoped she had not overdone it.
Sneaking into her sister's room and filching some of her personal stationery had been very clever and daring, but also left her feeling a touch wicked. Perhaps she should have tarried and met with her older sister, indeed she almost did but at the last moment her shame made her flee. She was adept at forging her sister's signature from centuries of co-rule and hoped that few would be able to spot the small differences between their personal seals.
Nurse Sweetheart waved another white-capped nurse over. "Nurse Pressor!"
She was a cool blue pegasus mare with a short cropped white mane and tail, and a cutie mark of three wooden tongue depressors arranged in a six-pointed star. Sweetheart handed her the folder of Noctilucent's papers and she tucked under one of her wings.
"Please take Councillor Trainee Noctilucent to the dormitory and help her to get settled before you file this. Then show her to the therapy offices and introduce her to Dr. Cake."
"Sure thing!" Nurse Pressor chirped.
A grey earth mare entered the hospital with a limping and sobbing colt. Noctilucent stepped away from reception and smiled at the poor little fellow though he barely seemed to notice her as he clung to his mother's side. Glancing around, she saw the pegasus was walking away towards a wide stairway going up to the second floor. Her quick trot to catch up was slightly unsteady because of her unfamiliar cloven hooves.
Pressor stopped at the foot of a staircase, held out a hoof to her and cheerfully said, "Hiiiii! I'm Tongue Pressor."
Gently tapping her hoof claws against Tongue Pressor's single-toed hoof, Noctilucent was jarred as the nurse abruptly locked hocks with her and rapidly pumped her leg in a very energetic hoofshake.
"Please to meet ya, Noctilucent! Please to meet ya! I'm new here too, well, I've been here a week, but I think that still counts as new, don't you?" The pegasi bubbled and chuckled like a stream falling off of a cliff. "Come on! Come on! I'll show ya the dorm. It's pretty small — 'quaint' I think ya snooticorns'd call it. There are a few beds free so ya can pick where ya wanna sleep. Don't sleep next to me though, I snore like ya wouldn't believe." The little motor mouth practically flew up the stairs while she babbled.
"Nurse Tongue Pressor! No galloping in the hospital!" The receptionist yelled as Noctilucent began a more sedate trot up the stairs.
Tongue Pressor leaned over the second-floor railing and called down, "Saaawreeee…."
Noctilucent followed her energetically bouncy blue rump as the little bird pony chattered non-stop the whole way. They met and passed a number of other hospital staff and patients in the hall, each receiving a friendly greeting and burst of upbeat chatter.
The modest-sized dorm room held three bunk beds and a random assortment of dressers and closets. Tongue Pressor pointed with her wings and one hind leg at two upper and one lower bunk and said, "These ones are free, but that one…" She pointed with a fore hoof at the right side, top bunk. "That one's mine." She lost her balance but righted herself with a quick flap of wings and clatter of hooves on the worn wooden floor.
Noctilucent nodded and trotted to the lower left bunk, the one with an unoccupied top level and by purest chance was the furthest away from Tongue Pressor's bunk. She shrugged off her heavy saddle bags onto the small bed and smiled up at Pressor through her bangs.
"Heh, good choice newbie. Get ya stuff sorted out." She flicked a wing tip at one of the dressers and said, "That one's free. I'll go file this and get ya a cap, alright?"
"V-very we…"
"Right!" And the little, blue tornado of feathers was gone.
Blinking, then shaking her head and smiling, Noctilucent began to unpack. She was most pleased! Accepted into her new position and already meeting and befriending new ponies. Ponies other than castle staff in her employ, her devoted sister, or bookish and subservient Twilight Sparkle. Certs these ponies would also scrape and bow to Princess Luna, but they saw lowly Noctilucent as a simple colleague. Somepony to work beside. Somepony to teach. Somepony to have a cordial relationship with as an equal.
Luna felt just a bit alive for the first time since her banishment.
"This appointment slip was for June third", said the receptionist nurse in a flat tone.
Clickspring hung his head and tried not to pout. He was used to being a disappointment, but he didn't like being publicly humiliated. He was a grown unicorn! Middle-aged even. But he felt like a foal being scolded by a teacher in front of class.
His glasses slipped on warm-yellow fur and they almost fell off the tip of his muzzle. He jerked his head up and shoved them back in place with a hoof claw. Rectangular brass frames with thick lenses sat heavily on the bridge of his muzzle and the even thicker magnification lenses were flipped upright to rest against his forehead.
"Ah heh, yeah. I've been, uh, busy. If it's a problem…" His ears perked up a little as he began to shuffle away from the reception desk.
He risked a glance at the front door through his steel-blue bangs. Yep, he had a clear path out of here. He had no end of work to do at the Mill and if it meant skipping 'detention' he should probably just-
Nurse Sweetheart smiled warmly but her eyes were flint as she gestured to the staircase. "Oh no, it's not a problem at all Mr. Clickspring. Tonight's session is in 2-B, right up those stairs. I'll just buzz ahead and tell Dr. Cake to expect you."
Clickspring wilted and grumbled sarcastically, "That's… great. Thank you very much."
He clip-clopped to the stairs with his tail dragging on the floor behind him. He dragged his hooves up the curved steps and wondered why he'd even bothered coming. Well… he knew why. He was utterly fed up with self-imposed isolation. And living with the damn Curse. Not that the hospital could do a damn thing to help him with that. But a 'group support session' meant other ponies just as mixed up as he was and he might fit in for a change.
According to the sign on the door, room 2-B doubled as a lounge for the hospital staff. Nervously poking his head through the open door Clickspring was unsurprised to see that he wasn't the first to arrive — what with being around fifteen minutes and three months late. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy sat on one of the two couches. The yellow mare's fur almost vanished against the dingy hospital-yellow fabric and he couldn't help smiling a little at the thought that the shy Element of Kindness was probably pleased with the camouflage. Though he'd never met Fluttershy, everypony in Equestria knew who the Element Bearers were! The biggest news to come out of Ponyville in years.
Why were two Elements at a counselling session for ponies with social and sexual issues?
Pinkie Pie bounced on the squeaky couch while energetically waving a hoof overhead — though that might be Fluttershy squeaking as she curled into a tighter ball.
"Hiiii, Clicky! Come on in and park your rump! We're still waiting for Dr. Cake and then we can get this par-tay star-ted!"
Clickspring's smile became a little forced as he walked into the room.
Actually, he had a good guess why Pinkie was here.
He'd turned her down at his welcoming party years ago and several times the next day. Since then her lewd propositions had tapered off to once every month or so. At first it was rather flattering, and he'd half-jokingly considered taking the perky party pony up on her offer — even if she was kind of a nut. A week after moving in he was shopping for material to renovate his fixer-upper home and had overheard a stallion in the next aisle. He'd boasted about spending the night with Pinkie. Another voice had put them down, saying that it was no great conquest since Pinkie would sleep with anypony. They'd shared a mean-spirited laugh and walked away. Sure enough, he'd found that the town rumour mongers were eager to wrap their wagging tongues around stories of her loose morals. She wasn't really attracted to him, just desperate to shag.
He wondered if these group sessions were helping her with that.
Hooking an elbow over the opposite couch's over-stuffed back, a large earth pony stallion twisted his head around to watch Clickspring as he ambled over to the sitting area. His fur was a patchwork of warm brown and cool grey that continued into his short unevenly striped mohawk. Clickspring didn't recognize him.
A long rectangular coffee table lay between the couches, its pale wood marred with dents and permanent cup rings from years of abuse. Chairs at either end of the table were unoccupied, but the doctor hadn't arrived yet and Clickspring didn't know which of the chairs he would take. Next to the other stallion was the safest bet.
The big lug jerked his fore leg back and scooted to the end of the couch as Clickspring hopped up and sat, wrapping his long tail around his hooves.
Clickspring turned his Pinkie-warding smile on him and nodded in what he hoped was a casual and friendly manner. The stallion tensely nodded back and hugged the couch's arm, leaning his imposing muscular bulk away from Clickspring's weedy frame.
He waved his toe claws at the other stallion and said, "I'm Clickspring. Pleased to meet you Mr…?"
"Ah'm, Dirt Nap." He had a deep, rumbling voice and what looked like a spade or shovel for a cutie mark.
He must be new in town.
Though for all Clickspring knew he'd been living here for years and they just hadn't crossed paths. Ponyville was a small town, but he didn't get out of the Mill much and had probably thrown the invite to this fellow's 'Welcome to Ponyville' party into the trash. The fearful reaction might be because of the bucked-up looking half-horn jutting very obviously from Clickspring's forehead. A wonky horn traditionally meant 'evil' and 'monster' and this backwater farming village had plenty of superstitious types.
Clickspring nodded politely to the mares while firmly shoving his glasses up his muzzle. "Hi, Pinkie. Hello, Miss Fluttershy. I don't believe we've met but of course I have heard of you."
He'd heard salty rumours about her as well. Sick fantasies about what she got up to with her animal friends in her isolated home at the edge of the forest. 'She needs a good stallion', the old biddies would say and shake their heads. Small towns and their small-minded gossip. He imagined there were a few rumours about him. But if Fluttershy was here — was there some truth to it?
Dr. Cake trotted briskly into the room while saying, "Hello, hello everypony! Sorry that we're a bit late!"
The chubby middle-aged earth pony's chin was wrapped in a curtain of curly brown hair speckled with grey, while his receding mane-line left a gap of orange fur between his small ears. His white doctor's jacket was unbuttoned and flapped against his barrel as he quickly trotted to the nearest chair.
The 'we' part of his apology was a less energetic and hesitated as she walked through the door.
She was gorgeous! Super-model beautiful. Clickspring forgot about being polite and just stared.
Long graceful legs with cute little fetlock tufts. A trim body with enough padding for sleek feminine curves. And her coat! Her fur was almost white and reminded him of the sea shell nacre he sometimes used as an inlay. It shimmered as she moved, even in the harsh light of the room's incandescent bulbs. Her light orange ruby-streaked mane was done up in the traditional nurses' bun. A few strands had escaped to frame her delicate face and the perfect spiral spire of her alabaster horn. It was big! Much larger than his and perfectly formed. Clickspring flushed with a mix of jealousy and lust. How would she look with her mane down? Would she drape it as camouflage over her glittering cyan eyes like Fluttershy? Probably not. Her expression was more curious than retiring and she had a bold and upright stance. Perched behind her horn was a white cap with the hospital's red circle, white cross, and four pink hearts printed on it. A clipboard, pen quill, and ink bottle floated by her side.
The doctor parked himself and gestured to the other chair. "Please close the door and have a seat, Noctilucent."
She even had a super-model name. What in Tartarus was she doing in Ponyville?
A touch from her cyan glowing magic swung the door closed. It latched as she trotted behind Clickspring's couch towards the last remaining chair. Her stride was careful and fluid, setting her long leonine tail swaying in a seductive sine wave behind her. Clickspring's neck hurt bringing to his conscious attention that he was craning his head right around to follow the beautiful mare's behind. His teeth clacked together painfully as he wrenched his head back around and snapped his mouth shut.
Pinkie was snickering at him with a hoof over her grinning muzzle. She winked broadly.
Oh bugger.
Clickspring flushed and shifted on the couch to lie belly down instead of sitting upright. He hoped no pony else had noticed his sheath's swelling and that Pinkie Pie wouldn't make her usual dramatic fuss about anything remotely interesting happening. Sweet stars! He half-feared she might break into a bouncy and lewd song.
Luckily, Pinkie's short attention span snapped, and she exclaimed, "Ooooo… Two doctors aaand Clicky? Good thing I brought a full box of cupcakes!" She whipped out a cardboard bakery box blazoned with Shugarcube Corner's bright logo and plopped it down in the middle of the coffee table.
Dr. Cake waved a hoof to catch Pinkie's attention. "Please, Miss Pie. Relax. We'll have our little chat first and then I would be delighted to enjoy one of your baked goods. But first we talk, yes?"
Pinkie Pie pouted and deflated a little but settled when Fluttershy patted her leg and whispered something that was too quiet for Clickspring to overhear.
"Before we get started, I'd like to introduce Counsellor Noctilucent. I'd like for her to sit in on our sessions to take notes and providing helpful advice to each of you. She is a top graduate of Canterlot's excellent College of Psychology and is performing her internship here at Ponyville General. My hope is that she will gain some valuable real-world experience at our little sessions, but…" He held up a hoof and said, "If this makes anypony uncomfortable we can go back to it just being me. Is this alright with everypony?"
Why was the doctor was looking right at him as he asked the question? He'd never attended one of these before so it wasn't like he had context to object, even if he had wanted to.
"No worries."
He just hoped his cursed genitals would behave themselves around the gorgeous Counsellor.
Fluttershy made an affirmative sounding mumble.
Pinkie Pie's exuberant answer was to lean toward the nurse, holding out a hoof. "Hi! I'm Pinkie, and I'm super-duper happy to have you join us! The more the merrier! I love, love, love to meet new ponies even if you're not new-new you're still new now. Right?" She paused to inhale and asked, "Are you free next Friday around sunset?"
Clickspring grimaced. Here comes the invite to a welcoming party followed by being propositioned. Not that he could blame Pinkie for hitting on such a beautiful pony.
Noctilucent made the classic mistake of accepting Pinkie's invitation to shake hooves — she really must be new in town. Her leg was snatched and enthusiastically pumped up and down like a water pump handle! Clickspring squeezed his lips together to hold back a bark of laughter but it snuck out of his nose as a slightly gross snerking noise.
Dr. Cake cleared his throat. "Mr. Nap? Is this alright with you?"
Dirt Nap said nothing, holding his hooves together and looking down at them rather than anywhere else.
"Mr. Nap?"
He twitched, looked up at the doctor and said, "Huh? Oh. Ah'm okay with it. Yep."
"Good! Very good. Thank you, everypony." Dr. Cake smiled and paused for a moment before saying, "Since we have so many new faces, perhaps it would be best if we made introductions all around, yes?" He ignored an eager pink hoof being waved in the air. "Could you get us started, Mr. Clickspring?"
"Awww!"
"Please don't pout, Miss. Pie. Everypony will have their turn but I would like to hear from our newest group members first." A warm encouraging smile was directed Clickspring's way. "Unless you would be more comfortable if somepony else went first?"
"No, it's fine." He'd come here to talk after all. Clickspring forced his ears to a polite angle and considered what to say. "Um, alright. I'm a horologist, that's a pony who likes or makes timepieces. Clocks and watches. I tinker with other types of geared mechanisms too. You may have seen my shop in the old water mill at the north end of town? I've lived here for, oh, getting on for three years now and I turned fifty last month."
Pinkie Pie scowled at him. She might never forgive him for passing on the 'Most Epic, Fantastic, Mother-Of-All Fiftieth Birthday Parties Ever Party' she'd wanted to throw.
He swallowed heavily and said, "You can call me Clicky if you want."
Dr. Cake asked him, "And why are you here today, Clicky?"
"Because Nurse Redheart is more badger than pony."
Pinkie Pie giggle-snorted and the joke got a few belly shaking chuckles from Dr. Cake.
"No, but seriously… I do have some, ah, relationship issues." He asked Dr. Cake, "How much detail I should go into?"
Dr. Cake smiled and said, "Whatever you're comfortable sharing, Clicky. We're all adults here. I have read Nurse Redheart's report on your meeting with her but you decide what you want to share with the group. Okay?"
"Alright." Tapping the skewed corkscrew spiral of his half-horn Clickspring said, "There's this obvious disability and sometimes ponies give me grief about it. My other problem is less obvious." He coughed and looked down at the cup ring stains on the coffee table. "You've probably heard what they say about unicorn stallions with long horns? That's true in my case. I have a broken horn, and a broken…" He trailed off and shrugged while grimacing.
Fluttershy made a nearly inaudible, "Oh my", as Noctilucent's pen scratched down a few notes.
Sensing that Clickspring was finished Dr. Cake said, "Mr. Nap, would you like to continue? Please remember you should only share what you are comfortable telling the group."
Dirt Nap glanced nervously around the room and cleared his throat. He said, "Errr… Well, mah pappy is Ponyville's new mortician. We moved here last winter from a minin' town down Dodge City way on account of the copper ran out years ago. Mah special talent is diggin'. Ah know it ain't much but ah'm apprenticin' with the Moon Creek construction company. Plenty of work here with how often things get knocked down."
Dirt Nap was quiet for a moment and the couch shivered under Clickspring's belly as the other stallion's tense muscles shook. He stared at his hooves and said, "Ah have a problem with, uh, mares." He glanced nervously at Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy. "Ah'm mighty sorry, ladies. It ain't you, ah just… Ah cain't…"
Staring back down at his hooves, Dirt Nap breathed heavily for a few moments and Clickspring thought he'd finished.
"The, uh, the earth pony Festival is comin' up soon", Dirt Nap muttered. "Ah'll be of age by then so it'll be mah first one. Ah don't… Ah don't know what ah'm gonna do! I cain't, cain't even hardly talk to a mare without… Bein' like this. If'n ah even meet a mare who'd…."
He swallowed heavily and croaked, "Ah honestly don't have a clue whut t'do."
Dr. Cake said, "Thank you, Dirt Nap. Have you been reading the book I loaned you?"
Dirt Nap nodded.
"If you have any questions, please feel free to bring them up here or we can discuss them at our next private session. Fluttershy, could you please introduce yourself and tell us why you're here?"
Fluttershy eep'd and glanced up from behind her mane. She met Clickspring's curious gaze for a moment and quickly looked away while her cheeks and ears flushed a darker pink than her mane.
In a very quiet voice, hardly louder than the scratch of Noctilucent's pen, she said, "I… I'm Fluttershy and I l-love animals. Any who are hurt or sick or l-lonely can always come to my home and I'll do my very best to help make them well again."
"She's also the Element of Kindness and a super-duper amazing friend!"
"Pinkie," warned Dr. Cake, "Please let her finish."
Fluttershy smiled wanly and said, "I-It' okay. I'm finished."
The doctor urged, "Perhaps you could tell us why you're here?"
"Oh, um… Well…" She twisted a long strand of her hair around one of her hooves while staring down at the couch seat. "I… I have a difficult time going to Festivals too. A-and maybe… Umm…"
Despite straining his ears, Clickspring couldn't hear what she said aside from a high-pitched squeak at the end.
Dr. Cake smiled warmly and nodded. "Thank you, Fluttershy. All right, Pinkie. It's your turn now."
"Hi, everypony! My name is Pinkie Pie and my super-special thing is throwing parties that give everypony a reason to smile! Do I have the best job in Equestria or what?! I also work at Shugarcube Corner, baking cakes and cupcakes and candies and muffins and cupcakes and eclairs and other delicious treats. Buuut I have this problem called Maniacal-Depression. That's when you're super duper happy sometimes and not-super not-duper sad other times."
"Manic-Depression," said Dr. Cake. "Actually we refer to your condition as Bipolar Disorder these days."
Pinkie snickered. "Well, they got the 'bi' part right. I'm also here 'cause I wanna boink with everypony I meet. How is that crazy? No! I mean, how crazy is that?
"But I'm much, much, much better now thanks to Dr. Cake and everypony at the hospital so thank youuu! And over to you, Noctalulu!" Pinkie Pie dramatically waved both hooves at Noctilucent, like a magician showing off their assistant popping out of a formerly empty box.
The pen that Noctilucent was taking notes with scraped loudly on her clipboard and she looked up with startled eyes.
"Actually, that's a very good idea, Pinkie," said Dr. Cake. "We should introduce ourselves to the group as well. Would you mind going first, Counsellor?"
"V-very well…"
Noctilucent finished jotting down a note, set her clipboard aside and sat up a bit straighter. She appeared self confidant but her halting, stuttering voice was almost as quiet as Fluttershy's.
"W-well… Our, um, that is to say, my n-name is Noctilucent and I am only eighteen. This i-is my first day at the hospital. As Dr. Cake mentioned, I am performing an internship at this fine hospital so that we may… We may all learn from one another! Umm, b-before this I was studying in Canterlot and specialised in psychology and psychotherapy. We, ah, I… I mean… I th-thank you all for letting me join you. Your t-trust means a great deal to… To me."
Pinkie Pie bounced on the couch and chirped, "You're welcome!"
The other ponies smiled and nodded, except for Dirt Nap who wouldn't even look in her direction.
Noctilucent sighed, relaxing back into her chair and retrieving her clipboard and pen.
"Splendid! Thank you, Noctilucent. You know me as Dr. Cake, head of the psychotheraputic department here at Ponyville General, but I'm also the father of two beautiful foals and married to the most patient mare in Ponyville. Perhaps all of Equestria!" He chuckled. "If there were an Element of Patience, I'm certain she would have joined in helping save our newest princess. While I organize these group chats, I'm only here to help guide our discussion so that you may help one another with your social and sexual issues. I'm also available to chat privately."
Dr. Cake cleared his throat and said, "Well, as we have so many ladies present, perhaps you might be willing to give Mr. Nap advice on how he could approach a mare at the Festival? Or if any of you would like to share some encouraging experiences you've had during one? It may be helpful if he knows what to expect."
Pinkie leaped to her hind hooves and held a shiny round harmonic to her lips. She blew a trembling note and slowly sang in a clear and bright voice.
♬ Ohhh, Festival is here again ♬
Clickspring rolled his eyes, totally unsurprised that Pinkie was singing and had chosen that old chestnut to serenade them. He caught a quick flicker of cyan around Noctilucent's horn and an almost imperceptible shimmer along the walls. The room's acoustics closed in, isolating them.
♬ Don't be afraid  
You'll fit right in ♬
He was impressed! Not by the spell, though it was more than he could manage, but by her quick reaction and concern for everypony in the hospital.
♬ Lift her tail  
And slip it in  
Festival is here again! ♬
♬ Nopony is respectable at the Festival  
Everypony stands upon a common ground — or in the sky! ♬
Pinkie leaped over Fluttershy and Clickspring was surprised when the shy mare grinned a little and raised her voice to join Pinkie's. Her singing was a sweet melody over Pinkie's pompous oompah glee as they belted out the song.
♬ No matter what you like. It's there!  
No matter who you want. Just dare! ♬
Dr. Cake's tenor joined next as Pinkie bounced past his chair.
♬ To ask them and they might say "Yes".  
Your night, it could just be the best! ♬
With Pinkie waving encouraging hooves at him, Clickspring reluctantly joined in on the next chorus. His voice sounded a little creaky as it had been a long, long time since he'd participated in any of the town's spontaneous musical numbers.
♬ Festival is here again  
Don't be afraid  
You'll fit right in  
Lift her tail  
And slip it in  
Festival is here again! ♬
Pinkie bounced around the room encouraging everypony to join in while belting out one of the 'story' parts of the song. Verses about a Mrs. Brown dealing with her unsatisfied frown by finding a young buck to put a spring in her step with a cock up her plot. Clickspring sang the lewd and familar lyrics and noticed that Dirt Nap and Noctilucent only joined in on the chorus. They must have led sheltered lives if they'd never sung this classic before.
After a few more rounds of amusingly pornographic tales, they sang the final chorus and Pinkie wrapped it up with a rapid-fire improvised solo.
♬ You'll have so much fun at the Festival! ♬
She stretched a fore leg around Dirt Nap's huge shoulders in a half-hug.
♬ Don't forget to bring your testicles! ♬
She bounded over the table and onto her seat.
♬ Not matter if you're sceptical!  
You'll haaave the beeest niiight everrrrr! ♬
"Woo hoo!"
Clickspring had a tremendous grin plastered on his muzzle and he couldn't control his laughter. It was foalish. Daft. A very 'Pinkie' moment.
And exactly what he needed to wipe away the bleak despair that had driven him here.
Hooves tucked daintily together, Noctilucent lay curled on her side in her new bunk bed. Her notes from the group session drifted in the air with a dim glow from her horn making them barely legible to her Night Princess eyes.
Pressor's jagged snore showed that the light wasn't keeping her awake though how the other nurse sharing their quarters could sleep through it was a mystery to Noctilucent.
She licked her lips while crumpling the paper wrapper of her second cupcake and discarded it in the waste bin. A quick crumb-check verified that her blanket was clean. Pinkie Pie gave her two of them after Clickspring declined, saying that the dairy and shugar would make him ill. Poor fellow, no cupcake and a peeved pink pony to placate.
She shuffled the notes together, set them on her bedside table, let her horn dim, and lay back to think.
Dr. Cake expected her to write a profile for Dirt Nap and Clickspring, along with ideas on how to counsel each of them. She had read the full profiles for Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy and would use them as a style guide. The doctor's notes were spare, incisive, and showed surgical precision in his treatment. But his warmth and care for his patient shone in each carefully chosen word. It would be difficult to emulate.
Pinkie Pie seemed a harmless jester but until recently had been something of a terror. While her parties were indisputably, the most entertaining and well attended in Ponyville — perhaps all of Equestria — her personal life was less than festive. Both for the citizens and herself. There were several restraining orders against her though none involved foals with whom she was a professional party planner. No, it was the treats between adult thighs that Pinkie desired with wild abandon. She'd been the cause of much marital strife and faced a judge on more than one occasion, which eventually culminating in a suicide attempt and admission to medical treatment.
Counselling and a recent product of alchemical magic, a lithium-based pill, were effectively treating her disordered mind. Clickspring would likely have had a cupcake rammed down his throat by the former Pinkie Pie. Her voracious sexual appetites were cooled a little. Enough that she was no longer a danger to herself or others. Nopony should have their lust completely tamed and Festival was an appropriate stage upon which to flaunt her goodies.
Fluttershy was difficult to read as she was so physically and verbally undemonstrative. As different from her pink friend as ponily possible. Noctilucent noticed quick flashes, mere hints, of the strength lurking within her thick passive shell. She regularly worked with fearsome creatures that would even a princess would hesitate to approach. That Fluttershy was one of the Bearers was a very encouraging sign. Many times Luna had seen unstable and unhappy recruits grow into mighty and trustworthy warriors with the support and guidance of their peers.
The Elements of Harmony chose their bearers at just the right moment to not only save Luna but to aid the bearers in their own life struggles.
She would be surprised if either mare required psychological aid for much longer. So long as Pinkie Pie continued to take her medication.
Dirt Nap's problems seemed straightforward and less to do with a disturbed mind. He'd suffered intense anxiety and curiosity while Pinkie Pie and Dr. Cake shared tales of their Festival shenanigans. His expression had reminded Noctilucent of peace-loving ponies attending a public execution: fearful and disgusted, but unable to look away.
It was quite plain that he must be a virgin.
How doth a stallion reach his age and yet still be an innocent?
Noctilucent shook her head sadly and mused that Dirt Nap would have already attended a half-dozen Festivals and sired foals in pre-banishment times. The bone-deep magic of the Festival that lived within each pony had changed and now it wasn't until ponies reached what had been middle-age before they felt the Festival's call. Most curious. Perhaps she should ask Mistress Sparkle about this as somepony was sure to have researched and written about it.
His mother perished in labour and he had no siblings. There was almost nothing else of note in his patient file aside from a minor workplace injury and treatment for anxiety. Nothing to illuminate his fears about attending Festival aside from inexperience.
She hadn't yet read the other stallion's thicker file.
Clickspring seemed to be friendly and open when discussing himself though he used his disabilities and deprecating manner to push others away. She imagined he would have been perfectly happy at the session not speaking at all. No, not happy really. Content. He'd readily participated in Pinkie's song but became quite twitchy and uncomfortable during the discussion of Festival experiences, and passed on discussing his own encounters. A shame since another stallion's insight might have been helpful for the mare-shy Dirt Nap.
As with Dirt Nap; evident arousal and interest in sex but mixed with fear, sadness, and shame.
How this pair of stallions became so retiring eluded Noctilucent. Her first instinct was to find healthy herds to claim them and quickly show them their place as sires and guardians. Perhaps having a direct hoof in it herself! That Dirt Nap seemed a healthy buck, aside from his whinging, and her back hadn't been warmed in centuries. Unfortunately, that was not how Equestria worked anymore and she would be forced to find less direct and modern therapies for her charges.
She sneered and mused that the old way would be simpler and more enjoyable.
She could aid Dirt Nap this very night using her own particular magic to teach him some small measure of confidence. Giving tutorial wet dreams to ponies was one of the more amusing tasks she undertook in the past, a welcome change from manipulating nobles and chasing the wicked back into the light.
Or assassinating her sister.
Noctilucent pondered what dream she could try on Dirt Nap. It would need to come from her stockpile of dream templates, not crafted new. She did not have enough experience with what made the modern pony tick to engage in dream shaping from the raw. Not yet. But even an old dream may still be effective as some things surely never changed.
Young ponies always had and always would be nervous about their first time.
Noctilucent cast a muffling spell on her legs and slipped out of bed, the clattering of her hooves on the wooden floor magicked to silence. She cautiously opened the dorm's door, peeked both ways, and then headed down the hallway to the back stairs. She slipped into the cool night and trotted to the forest edge.
She walked in a circle, carefully tramping down the long grass, before settling down into a pony loaf, tucking her fore and hind legs under her barrel. She cast a simple detection spell which assured her that nothing dangerous lurked and nopony's eyes were upon her. She closed her eyes and relaxed. For a few minutes she basked in the silvery glow of the Moon, straining her senses to barely feel the cool flow of energy radiating from the celestial body. Any well-trained unicorn could touch its radiant power if they ventured out at night beneath Her full glory. Few would be able to store enough of that essence to cast Luna's most familiar spell, one not attempted in centuries.
Her horn glowed faintly and her spirit stepped over-
A day's hoof travel away Celestia dozed in a half-sleep. A soft rush of power, like a cool current, played across her skin and she knew that Luna had begun a dream walk. Feeling relieved and proud of her sister she snuggled down into her pillows with a soft nicker before slipping into a satisfied slumber.
-into the Hall of Dreams.
Like a bookmark, she found herself in the same location where she had last appeared. Here she stood tall as Princess Luna, bedecked with her full regalia and glowing with power. She pranced like a happy foal, grinning widely. It was easier than she'd anticipated and used less of the Moon's blessing than feared. Saving many days of sneaking out of the Golden Oak library, always wary of Ponyville's curious folk, to hoard the Moon's gift within her heart.
The dream realm missed her. That was the only explanation; it eased her path and must be eager for the touch of her hooves upon it once more. She still needed re-established a direct connection to the Moon, a task that would be easier to accomplish now that she'd come this far. With the Hall's assistance.
She gracefully trotted toward the future, passing doorways long fallen silent as their ponies passed away and went to whatever reward or punishment they deserved. Luna would need to do some tidying up but there was no need to rush in this time-strange place. After a few minutes she picked up the pace.
When she arrived at the door she sought, she flew down the hallway at break-neck speed, wingtips brushing the doors as they shot past in a blur. A pony could only stand so much boredom after all and it seemed a vast number of ponies had passed since her last dream walk.
Luna overshot and dropped to the floor, her silvery shoes striking a bright shower of sparks as she skidded to a halt.
She panted a little from exertion as she trotted back to the door, musing that this metaphorical manifestation of her dream guardianship sorely needed modernisation. A single long corridor may have served when Equestria's citizens numbered in the hundreds or thousands it was woefully inadequate now. Another task for Mistress Twilight to add to her ever-growing list of improvements to undertake once Luna's full powers returned.
The door into Dirt Nap's dreams looked like the lid of a coffin; rather morbid but perhaps suitable for the son of a mortician. Its form gave her a deeper insight into Dirt Nap's character. He sorely needed a push to flourish outside of his father's shadow and so the door could take on a new guise.
Luna's magic flung it open, and she stepped through, horn glowing as she readied the selected dream template.
She walked through a wispy grey fog of unshaped dream-stuff and close by the door she found Dirt Nap's dream. Peering into the large crystalline sphere she saw of a candle-lit wood-beamed room with white plaster lathe walls, distorted into curves by the dream's boundary. A typical and comfortingly familiar Ponyville interior. She pressed her face against the sphere's rubbery skin and stepped inside.
Dirt Nap lay on a bed in what Luna assumed to be his bedroom. The brown and grey patched earth stallion curled into a position that would be impossible, or at least quite difficult and painful, outside of a dream. Wet, slurping sounds and the scent of aroused stallion filled the air as he enthusiastically suckled his own engorged penis.
Luna didn't fully merge with the dream and her arrival caused no interruption. She frowned and shook her head, knowing couldn't smoothly transition from his self-pleasuring to the less urgent dream template of seduction that she held ready.
With an annoyed snort she discarded the template. Her horn went dark, and she stood for a few minutes watching him work his member.
Luna accepted such voyeurism as one aspect of her duty as the Guardian of pony dreams. She bore witness to the highest and lowest of ponykind's aspirations and urges. She had no shame that other pony's dreams sometimes made her nethers quiver, or that she oftentimes played a starring role in them. To penetrate a dream and find her own self in the throes of passion in the dreamer's embrace. Silly and narcistic but entertaining. Finding her chaste sister in such a lewd scenario only inspired laughter and pity for the poor fool dreaming of bedding her. At least Luna allowed herself a dalliance now and again.
Dirt Nap's amateurish display did nothing for her.
Perhaps if she avoided the complexity of a dream template and slipped a dream mare into his bed? Dreams were, after all, fluid things which often made little sense to the dreamer. It would not be subtle but worth a try.
She closed her eyes and sorted through the stock of 'sexy mare' templates she kept on hoof, but they were all quite out of date in fashion and attitude. No, dropping a mare who spoke Courtly Speech, clad in a medieval gown and surcoat, into the stallion's bed would merely cause confusion. Perhaps a trollop? She need not speak, only show off her wares. No, she wanted to use something subtle, not a medieval Pinkie Pie who would more-or-less rape the sensitive colt. Some stallions were into that but in this case… No. T'would do more harm than good. The classic 'princess in a tower'? Prettier and with a high randiness but again there came the language and culture issue. Who then?
She shuffled rapidly through dream mares, like so many cards in a deck. Culs, but she needed to update her dramatis personæ!
Yet another task for the damnable list.
The dream bubble quivered and she opened her eyes to see Dirt Nap having a very messy orgasm, slurping his lips off the flare of his penis and splattering his face, the bed, and the walls. Even the ceiling got painted by the ludicrous fountain of spunk. Had Luna merged with the dream she would be reaching for a towel as the dream crescendoed.
A final quiver and the dream bubble popped, leaving Luna standing alone in grey fog. Dirt Nap likely awakening in a sticky bed.
Luna sighed and trotted back to the Hall. This was not an auspicious return.
Author's Note
Sorry if this was a little dark for some folks... Nightmare Moon was truly a monster in this AU.
I wanted to get this out on Wednesday, as I'd like to try publishing two chapters a week, but there were many, many, many edits and re-workings required. I wish I'd paid more attention in English classes, but at least Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament) is willing to take the time to tear me a new one for all the silly mistakes I make.
Please let me know if you spot any mistakes.
P.S.: 'Shugar' is not a mistake. Everyone else is spelling it incorrectly. :raritydespair: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/raritydespair.png
v2 Edit: General stuff plus trying to make Pinkie & Fluttershy more... Just more. They were kind of blank ciphers in v1. Also the song. And having Clicky enjoy the session rather than being peevish about it all... gotta give him a reason to come back, after all. :pinkiehappy: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png

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               3 - Trains Into Tunnels (v2)                
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3 - Trains Into Tunnels (v2)
Wails of despair, or at least discomfort, penetrated Noctilucent's ears like sharp needles and rattled her brains — even with her ears pinned flat against her skull.
An infant earth pony cradled in her forelegs ignore her attempts to sooth it. She tried gently rubbing a hoof on the distraught foal's back, as fellow-trainee Nurse Pearl Singer had done to great effect on other squalling brats. But the warm bundle of damp fur squirmed and howled, demonstrating her breed's vast lung capacity.
"Here, let me take her", Pearl Singer cooed and Noctilucent gingerly transfered the infant to her care.
Pearl Singer shared living quarters with her and Tongue Pressor, and was thankfully a much quieter room mate. A specialist in pregnancy, birth, and mare's health matters, Singer had a nigh magical touch with young ones and the struggling infant quickly calmed as it snuggled against her fluffy pale pink chest fur.
"Can you please deal with her dirty diaper? I'll get a nice clean fresh one on you, snuggle-bunny." She cooed into the foal's ear and carefully carried her from the bathing area to the second changing station. Leaving Noctilucent to deal with a horrid mess on the first one.
Penance.
That was the only way to think about this task and remain calm. One small penance for her many wrong-doings as Nightmare Moon. Noctilucent gingerly grabbed the clean edges of the filthy diaper and wielded a scraper to remove the horrid green-brown sludge that coated its centre. Once that had been removed and washed away, the still-filthy cloth was deposited into a lidded bin with a mound of others. She could only thank the stars she'd never been ordered to work in the laundry facilities. Yet. It must be a scene from Tartarus in the hospital's basement.
This was the least pleasant task she'd performed in the past few days. Emptying bed pans was a close second with helping to turn and sponge bathe bed-ridden patients a close third. Head Nurse Redheart was quickly becoming Noctilucent's least favourite pony in the hospital. Her arrival heralded the start of another round of penance. Noctilucent spent her afternoons and evenings working with Dr. Cake but in the morning she was just another warm body to be bossed around. She had to bite back curses when morning assignments to middenmare duties were hoofed out.
"Why don't you use your magic to remove the poo?" asked Pearl while she finished swaddling the burbling infant.
Noctilucent wrinkled her nose and whispered, "I f-f-feel everything I touch in that m-manner. It would be most… foul."
"Oh? I should have guessed that. It's certainly no picnic doing the job by hoof! I thought you could just cast a spell and poof it would be gone."
A blast of cleansing fire would be a more appropriate fate for those filthy rags but such a display would terrify others, damage the building, and be a waste of the hospital's already thin resources. Noctilucent sighed as she followed Pearl into the nursery, where the infant was carefully laid to sleep a row of bassinets.
"T-That is the last one." Thank the Moon!
"Mmhmm", Pearl Singer hummed while tucking the blankets. "We'd better get down to Emergency for Dr. Horse's lecture on defibrillators."
Noctilucent's ears perked up and she nodded. "Indeed."
She'd read about the device the night before and was somewhat interested in seeing it demonstrated, though where they would locate somepony requiring it's use was not clear. She could induce 'life-threatening cardiac dysrhythmias' in a sleeper, but doing so would be against modern medical ethics. Experimenting on traitors and murderers had gone out of fashion centuries ago.
They bid Nursery Rhyme a good morning and left the mare with her now peacefully sleeping charges. It was even quieter in the E.R., where they found Nurse Tenderheart reading a magazine of mane care tips.
"Oh, thank goodness", she exclaimed and jumped from her chair. "Keep an eye on things for a moment!" She galloped away without waiting for a reply.
Pearl giggled and wrinkled her muzzle cutely. "Potty break?"
"Mmmh… I-It seems we are early."
There was no sign of Dr. Horse or Tongue Pressor.
"Yeah, I figured you might like a breather after dealing with the little ones. You're a quiet one, Noctilucent."
She nodded and express her gratitude with a smile.
"Where are you from?"
"O-Oh… Unterfetlock, a t-tiny village in the Unicorn Range. I d-doubt you will have heard of it."
"I haven't. Are they very traditionalist?"
Noctilucent heard a hint of worry and accusation in her question and replied, "The townponies are m-mostly unicorns but n-n-not tribalist."
"Good! I- Do you hear that?" Singer's ears twitched toward the outside entrance.
There were faint yells, rapidly coming closer. Noctilucent followed Pearl Singer as she galloped to the swinging doors and flung them open. A pair of pegasi mares carrying a grey pegasus stallion in a blanket landed at the door. The stallion had good reason to howl; his forelegs were bloody twisted wrecks.
Noctilucent snapped at Pearl, "Fetch a rolling bed at once!"
Twilight's voice-altering spell throttled her commanding tone down to a normal conversation volume. It nearly broke under the strain, tugging lightly at Noctilucent's muzzle.
The other trainee nurse blinked at her in shock.
"The bed! Quickly now."
Pearl shook herself and galloped back into Emergency.
Rounding on the pegasi who'd brought the injured stallion she asked, "What occurred?"
The rainbow-maned mare panted, "Mid-air collision and crash landing. We gotta get back for Sunshower. She's not hurt as bad as Cloud Chaser but we're gonna bring her in too."
"Aye. Hold a moment."
Noctilucent's horn glowed brightly as she cast a numbing spell and touched her hoof to his heaving side. He immediately calmed and she gently levitated him off of the blanket, carefully immobilising what was left of his legs with her magic. The scent of blood and his whimpers set her heart racing. While Nightmare Moon had spent her troops lives cheaply, Princess Luna had always pitched in with mopping up after battle. At least this fellows wings were intact and he might yet be useful for intelligence gathering sorties, if he survived.
Pearl Singer returned with a rolling bed and Noctilucent deposited him on it as the mares grabbed the bloody blanket and shot off into the sky. Keeping the broken limbs stable with her magic they rolled him into the Emergency Room.
"Fetch forth a chirurgeon", she ordered Pearl. "This stallion needs attending to at once!"
"A what?" Singer gasped.
"A…" What was the modern term? "A surgeon! Dr. Hooves or whomever you may find. Go quickly!"
Pearl Singer fled into the hospital while Noctilucent examined his broken forelegs. Splintered white bone poked through blood-soaked grey hide. They would have to come off and the stumps cauterised to avoid bleeding out and risk of infection! While she knew spells that would quickly deal with the matter, Noctilucent decided to wait for the chirugeon's… the doctor's opinion. Meanwhile, she could prepare the necessary equipment in case they wished to do this by hoof.
Where did they keep the bone saws?
"When I got back with Dr. Hooves she had and knives and a wood saw from somewhere on a tray, and was digging through the cabinets looking for… What was it?"
Noctilucent pouted at Pearl Singer's question and reluctantly answered, "Irons."
"That was it! Cauterising irons for after amputation, right?" Pearl giggled and snorted while pressing a hoof over her muzzle.
Noctilucent grimaced and took a generous bite from her toasted tomato and daisy sandwich. She'd rather sink her teeth into Singer! Mouth full, she restrained herself from snapping at the gleeful mare.
Tongue Pressor patted Noctilucent's back with a wing and said, "Aww, you shouldn't tease her Singer. Anypony would freak out and get confused in that kinda situation. She's a psychologist not a surgeon for Celestia's sake!"
"You're right. You're right. I'm sorry Luci. It's just, the look on Dr. Hooves face when he made you explain was priceless!" She giggle-snorted again and said, "At least you didn't freeze up like I did. You should have seen her, Pressy! She took charge like a drill sergeant and got me moving."
"The stud's gonna keep his legs though, right?"
Pearl nodded and said, "He's in surgery now but he'll be fine after a few weeks in recovery."
"Good!" Tongue Pressor gave Noctilucent's back another pat and settled into her seat. "Let's talk 'bout somethin' else then. Thinkin' 'bout how messed up his legs looked is putting me off lunch." She prodded her limp slice of pizza. "Or maybe it's just the lunch putting me off my lunch."
"We should all go into town for a real meal and hit Shugarcube Corner for cheese cake after", said Pearl Singer while stirring her mystery soup.
"Alright!"
They both looked at Noctilucent and she whispered, "T-thank you, but I sh-shall remain here."
Tongue Pressor pouted and moaned, "Awww… How come?"
"I h-have an essay to write f-for Dr. Hooves." It was bad enough to be mocked in public for her mistake but to have earned 'homework' as well was adding affront to chagrin.
"That's a shame. Oh! They're having a bogo on hooficures at the salon so maybe we can do that before dinner?" Pearl Singer asked Tongue Pressor.
Pressor ruffled her wings and nodded. "Sounds good to me! Have you tried their Glitter Bomb mane wash? It's freakin' amazeballs!"
Noctilucent half-heartedly munched on her sandwich while barely paying attention to her fellow trainee nurses. Though she wanted to be friends with modern ponies, to involve herself in their lives and this new world, much of what they said was gibberish in her ears! And they spoke so quickly, salting their dialogue with idioms which eluded her. Though they sat in Equestria's heartland it was akin to visiting a foreign land where they spoke in cant or a pidgin tongue.
At least this afternoon would be spent in Dr. Cake's company, discussing mental health matters in which she was fluent.
Warm wood planks beneath Noctilucent's rump were a welcome change from the cold slate tiles in the hospital's newer wings. She sighed and closed Pinkie Pie's patient folder before settling the thick stack of loose pages atop Fluttershy's much thinner file.
Neither truly required her intervention, here or in the realm of dreams. Their most recent prognosis reports were a testament to modern psychology and Dr. Cake's dedication to his patient's welfare.
She glanced up at his closed office door as a muffled feminine squeal came from inside.
Therapeutic Desensitisation. An obscure-sounding mouthful for simply giving somepony a damn good scare. Something 'new' in medicine that Luna had practised on instinct for centuries in pony's dreams. Once upon a time foals had whispered hopeful tales of Luna rescuing them from nightmares and she was looking forward to that joyful duty. But oftentimes it was kinder to induce a nightmare to guide a pony's life down more fruitful paths in the waking world. But she dared not speak of her experience with nocturnal therapeutic desensitisation and had been ask to retreat to the hallway. Cast out when Lily Valley, the Doctor's current patient, had expressed nervousness at having her witness the treatment.
Earlier, Dr. Cake had discussed her case with Noctilucent, and she could imagine the scene in the office: Dr. Cake at his most supportive, encouraging Lily to confront her terrors by petting a fluffy toy mouse.
There was no arguing with the doctor's successes with such absurd-seeming treatments. Perhaps she could visit Lily's dreams and try to hasten the process?
She pursed her lips and shook her head. No. She didn't want to interfere and must focus her currently limited power upon her own charges. Dirt Nap's folder levitated up from her side and she flipped through its pages, looking for any clues she might have missed. There was little more to it than a few pages detailing treatment for minor injuries incurred while working in construction. His initial consultation with Dr. Cake pointed to isolation from ponies his own age as the root cause of his current troubles. He'd been raised in a distant copper mining town where the seam had played out long ago, forcing most ponies to relocate. Only the elderly who were too poor or sentimental to move to greener pastures remained.
Tonight she would continue her own brand of therapy with the colt. She'd gathered enough power to walk and tomorrow would be a 'day off' so it would not matter if she got little sleep.
Setting Dirt Nap aside she picked up Clickspring's much thicker folder, though it was less than half of Miss Pie's.
His file was a litany of issues, piled up like a foal's jumble game. Noctilucent couldn't decide which stick to pull on first! There were the usual annual physicals showing he was in reasonable health, a number of tests and counselling for digestive disorders, prescriptions for a numbing ointment to apply twice daily to his damaged horn stub. Nothing out of the ordinary until Nurse Redheart paid him a surprise house call during Ponyville's most recent unicorn Festival. He had been faking an illness so other ponies would not question his staying home. Reading her report of his condition and history was moving and disgusting in equal measure.
He had suffered an accident as a young colt which destroyed half of his horn and then an unrelated surgery which left his penis irreparably damaged. She winced and shook her head. It was easy to see why this stallion was so retiring after being robbed of both metaphorical and actual masculinity. Gelding to remove sexual urges might be the kindest thing. Then again, he might yet make good breeding stock since the damage was not in his bloodline, which was exemplary. His family traced their roots to prosperous settlers from the Old Country. Noble in deed and industry, if not in decent.
A muffled shriek from the office distracted her. Dr. Cake must have moved on to the cuddly bat or adorably fluffy spider toy.
Rolling her eyes she flipped to the next page.
It wasn't surprising that an emasculated stallion would take to playing at mare. There was a time, mere months ago by her reckoning, when his disgusting lusts would have seen him castrated and cast out, or perhaps simply put down.
While staying with Twilight Sparkle, Luna had read the Bill of Pony Rights & Responsibilities which had been passed into law almost a century prior to her return. It included freedom of sexual expression and now 'same-sex oriented' ponies were allowed, encouraged even, to marry. To marry! It made her head spin that such vile acts were now openly practised at Festival. With the lack of eligible bachelors she could understand mares resorting to it out of desperation, or curiosity. She had been young once — twice, now. But stallions? Pawing at one another, kissing, squandering life-giving seed. It made her hide crawl.
Noctilucent gnawed on the edge of a hoof and set Clickspring's folder aside.
Her discomfort highlighted an attitude needed modernising before she'd be fit to rule again. There was nothing for it, she would have to be friendly with Clickspring and others of his ilk in order view them with something other than distaste.
Dirt Nap's cock sucking dream… Perhaps he was similarly bent? Though she had witnessed similar dreams by virile sires who were devoted to their herds. A little self-indulgence was not a bad thing, in a dream anyway.
Regardless it was her duty to encourage him in any rightful course that should make him happy — even if it made her ill to do so. She'd sworn an oath when taking the role of Councillor and he had been entrusted to her care with Dr. Cake's oversight. She closed her eyes and began sorting through her stock of dream mares. Selecting two earth mares she began reworking them so that they would be ready when she paid Dirt Nap a visit this evening.
She must test him before leaping to conclusions.
Noctilucent nursed a headache the next morning and was grateful she had the staff lounge to herself. She sipped at a mug of black, sweet coffee and worried that Tongue Pressor might come barrelling into the room at any moment. She could not deal with a head-spinning stream of happy chatter right now.
What had gone wrong?
Casting the dream walking spell took less effort and she'd appeared directly in front of Dirt Nap's coffin-lid door. The stallion wasn't dreaming when she arrived. She crafted the mares she had modernised from a cloud of grey dream-stuff, ready to be released when he began dreaming. They were rough and ready adaptations; their speech, mane styles, and attitudes shamelessly copied from her coworkers.
A lunch-time visit to Pink Cherry's provided the inspiration for their new garb: Filmy lingerie, bridles, and lace-trimmed saddles. Ponyville's adult-novelty shoppe was very interesting if somewhat embarrassing. It was lucky she was the sole customer as she couldn't help raising her tail and winking when she discovered an aisle of severed penises and cored vulva. Aroused horror gave way to fascination once she realised they were not real, but moulded from some fleshy substance. The Red Rocket was tempting and Bête Noire's length, girth, and spiked flare made her wince. It could make an amusing Hearth's Warming gift for Tia and she might get one or two others for herself since the Royal Harem had been disbanded centuries ago.
She rendered the mares mute to get around the language issue and kept the strong appetite for oral sex which had been part of their original motivation.
That seemed to be something Dirt Nap enjoyed.
Eager and confident, she'd jumped right in as his dream formed. But his reaction had been extremely negative! He froze in terror the moment Luna injected the sexy mares into his bedroom and when one had boldly reached between his hind legs while licking her lips he leapt to his hooves and fled!
Sexual psychology books in the hospital's library mentioned that modern stallions held a strong desire for a 'three-way.' Though servicing multiple mares had once been a common marital arrangement it had since become fetishised into an extremely desirable fantasy.
Not by Mr. Dirt Nap.
It had been all she could do to keep the dream from transforming into a true nightmare. She allowed him to escape, banished the mares, and guided his dream to become a canter through a peaceful forest.
To calm herself and make something of her evening, she visited several of Ponyville's younger residents. Foal's dreams were much simpler and their innocent play was a joy to partake in. The last was suffering a nightmare about eating too many cupcakes and growing obese, but that was easily dealt with. If nothing else she may have saved Pinkie Pie a customer.
She finished her coffee and sighed.
Maybe something more subtle for Dirt Nap's next dream? She hated crafting subtle dreams, they were so fiddly and in this case, she did not know what would work. Should she try a stallion? That might confirm or rule out if Dirt Nap was a pervert. If she did try a stallion, should he be motivated to play at mare or to be dominant? Rough work-pony clothing or feminine garb? Were there other modern roles and social cues? She knew nothing of how those types behaved with one another. And didn't really want to.
She wrinkled her nose and rinsed out her cup in the sink.
It was Monday and after a busy weekend the interns and much of the staff had the day off. Placing her mug on the drying rack she decided to spend the day free from trying to puzzle out the enigma of Dirt Nap as well. She would go forth amongst the town folk of Ponyville and try to relax, perhaps paying a visit the delightful cafe she'd passed on her way to the adult shoppe.
Fresh air, more coffee and a light meal would be just the thing for her flagging mood.
Sitting up in the street, Clickspring waved a hoof over his head to catch the attention of one of the barista ponies working in the Café Palomino. There was a multi-hued morning crowd of ponies between him and the counter, so didn't dare approach any closer. One of the crew of three ponies working their tails off behind the long counter noticed him, waved back and shouted, "The usual?"
Clickspring nodded and floated his bits over to the counter. One. At. A. Time. Then trotted off down an alleyway to a side door, bypassing the crowd up front and entering a faux living-room at the back of the coffee house. Complete with a crackling fireplace and scattering of comfy over-stuffed chairs and couches.
He spotted a certain gorgeous unicorn huddled up atop one of the recliners. She had a plate with a few bites of a croissant remaining and was nursing a tall mug of something frothy. Her flame coloured hair was down, no longer confined in a nurses' bun and half-draped over her eyes like Fluttershy.
Clickspring hesitated. He'd have to walk past her to get to the counter and he really just wanted to get his breakfast and head home. Complications were… complicated. But she looked sad and in pain so he paused and quietly said, "G'morning. Are you alright?"
Her beautiful cyan eyes looked bruised and from the way she was squinting in the morning light, she must have quite a headache.
"Stayed up late partying?"
She smiled and puffed some of her long forelocks up away from her face. "O-oh. N-no, Mr. Clickspring… Clicky. Good morrow… morning. I w-was up 'til the wee hours with study."
He nodded and said, "Ah, of course. How was your first week at the hospital?"
Noctilucent sipped her coffee and licked foam off her lips, a gesture that had him pawing at the carpet. "Umm… B-busy, but interesting. We… Ah, yes… We interns have this day free from work."
Clickspring had to lean in closer to hear her quiet, pained voice over the constant chatter from the crowd of ponies by the counter and the hiss and gurgle of coffee making. "Y'know, this isn't the best place to have a headache."
She smiled wanly at him and said, "Aye. I-it is rather loud, is it not? P-perhaps I will return to the hospital or s-seek a quiet corner in Golden Oak Library."
"I know a place that's much better than a stuffy library."
"Soy Earl Grey bubble tea an'a cranberry scone!"
"I'll be right back."
Clickspring trotted to the edge of the waiting crowd, stood up on his hind legs so he could see over their heads and snatched up the paper-bagged scone with his magic. He dropped to all fours and placed it on the loin of his back and then grabbed his tall glass tumbler of tea and tapioca.
He took a sip and trotted back to where Noctilucent reclined and said, "Follow me and bring your coffee." He pushed open the side door of the cafe, looked back and waved 'come on' with the blue tufted tip of his tail.
Noctilucent winced as the milk frother began hissing and gurgling like a dragon dying from severe intestinal distress. She snapped up the last bite of croissant, grabbed her mug, and gracefully slid off of the couch.
Clickspring smiled encouragingly as she joined him in the alleyway and he assured her, "It's not far."
They slowly ambled through the heart of Ponyville as it came to life, shops unlocking their doors and switching their sign boards to 'Open'. Fillies and colts chatted and laughed as they trotted off to school. Noctilucent walked with her head down and her ears pressed flat, only raising her head when Clicky lead her off of the street, through a gap in a hedge, and onto a grass lawn. The river flowed a few meters away at the foot of a gentle slope.
"Nearly there."
She started towards the picnic tables and benches by the river's edge, but he turned left and trotted towards a small hazel tree coppice.
"This way."
Pushing through the underbrush he led her into a small clearing that butted up against the river edge. With rows of lumpy trees on three sides, it was completely isolated from the bustle of Ponyville.
Clickspring stopped and waved a hoof. "Here we are. A nice, quiet place to deal with a headache."
With a grateful sigh, Noctilucent sank down to rest on the cool grass. She set her mug down on a flat rock. The river's burble drowned out the sounds of Ponyville's morning routine and was accompanied by the sounds of birds chirping and insects buzzing.
He felt strangely bashful, inviting her into this hidden place. It was like his own private garden and he'd given away its secret.
"Nopony ever comes here, so you shouldn't be disturbed."
"T-thank th… you, Clicky." Noctilucent's smile was a bit tight, he guessed from her headache, but she sounded relieved.
"You're welcome. I come here sometimes to think. Everypony needs a quiet place to get away, right?" Her ears flicked back and he realised she needed quiet, not some foal babbling at her. "Well, I'll leave you to it then. I have work to do. See you later."
She murmured, "Farewell."
He pushed through the brush and trotted to his workshop. There were gears to cut and temper, and Mr. Rich's watch to clean and adjust before lunch. Standing around, mooning over a pretty mare wouldn't get anything worthwhile done.
As the grass warmed against Noctilucent's belly it released a heavenly scent which made her tummy grumble. She couldn't resist snacking, just a little, and the plain but delicious fodder. It helped settle her sour coffee-shocked stomach. Once the mug was emptied she teleported it back to the cafe with a brief surge of magic and rose to her hooves.
She shook herself and waded into the river. The cool clear water rose up under her belly as she walked into deeper water down a silt-free gravel bar. She cast a simple detection spell and finding no observers she folded her legs, dunked her head, and dispelled her disguise. She spread her aching wings and slowly flapped them, swirling cold water through her feathers and, no doubt, stinky wing pits. It was impossible to get properly clean without first dispelling the unicorn disguise she'd been holding for days.
Cold water banished the last of her headache and a soaking but refreshed Luna strode back up the gravel bar to Clicky's hidden meadow. She shook vigorously, like a wet dog, flinging sprays of glittering water all around. A few swipes of telekinesis smoothed her coat and shoved damp mane away from her eyes. One of her wing joints popped as she stretched them, making her wince and groan in relief. Holding them close for several days had not been pleasant.
The princess spent a few undignified minutes grooming her sore wings, seeking but not finding any loose primaries. Her wings were merely stiff and sore where a pegasus would doubtless have had serious complications to deal with.
Checking once more that none could see her, she crouched, spread her massive blue wings and exploded up into the sky!
Gaining altitude as quickly as she could with wing and magic, she shot through the clouds like a bolt from a crossbow. Levelling out far above Ponyville she sighed happily and swooped in a huge arc with her light blue mane and tail streaming out behind. The last dampness in her coat and her wet mane and tail quickly dried in the thinner air.
It was many weeks since she'd last taken to the sky, not since her flight to Twilight's library when she left Canterlot. She flew south, away from Ponyville and over the wild forest of Everfree. She steered well clear of Cloudsdale for she had no desire to be mobbed by curious pegasi.
She flew back and forth over the forest in an aimless pattern with her mind also set adrift. After an hour of so, she had a sudden flash of inspiration: she could recruit somepony with more experience with modern etiquette to aid her with poor Dirt Nap. Somepony who may be able to confirm or refute her suspicion of the earth stallion's perversion. Nay, his preference, she admonished herself.
She had just the pony in mind.
She dove toward Ponyville and as she approached the edge of town she teleported directly from the cloud deck to a clearing just inside the forest. Her hooves threw up clods of grass and dirt as she skidded to a halt. Feeling much refreshed she tucked her wings and re-cast the Noctilucent guise. A basic grooming spell untangled her mane and tail.
Noctilucent found a trail which led to a dirt road. She cantered along it and into the fairgrounds on the west side of town. A herd of colts and fillies played with a hoofball during their lunch break and a few farmer took a break from their fields to sell fresh produce. Apples, oranges, cherries, fruit pies and the like. She stopped to buy a bag of Macintosh apples from the orange earth pony named Applejack, another of the Element bearers. The mare was solidly built, well muscled, and smelled of sweat from hauling her waggon. Her forthright manner and simple dialect were a welcome contrast to the confusing babble of her fellow interns.
She bought a pair of small cherry pies from another merchant, thinking they would be nice to share with Pearl and Pressor. They also balanced the apples when she tied the handles of the bags together and draped them over her back.
She stopped to peer in the window of Rarity's Carousel Boutique to admire the seamstress' work. Not that Noctilucent would ever need such garments but it was fun to look all the same. 'Window shopping' they called it. A rare modern term that actually made some sense, once you realised that buying panes of glass wasn't the purpose. It was remarkable such a small town had produced most of the Element bearers and she felt her sister's gently meddling hoof behind it.
She ambled through town, past ponies at work and ponies at play.
It was a lovely and calm day, though plaques hung from hooks on the town hall announced that there was an early evening shower scheduled.
Clickspring's shop was at the north edge of town. A simple square building of grey stone with one wall against the river bank. Water poured from an aqueduct, turning the huge wooden wheel on the back of the mill. A brass plaque on one of its rough-cut stone walls said the mill was built only fifty years ago, though it looked much older. Its wheel froze solid in winter and so it had been replaced by a year-round water and wind-powered mill across town.
She trotted around to the front. It had a large bay window with black framework around the square panes and a sign over the window declared, '~Clickspring Clockworks~', and in minuscule script, 'Timepieces, Toys, Novelties, and Fine Tools.'
Noctilucent peered through the window and saw a range of mantle, lantern, cuckoo and floor clocks on display. Most were old and refurbished while only a few looked new. Shelves and tables held small timer clocks shaped like fruit, music boxes, and… a toy train!
Shortly after her return, Tia took her on a tour of Equestria and they'd taken a steam train to Manehattan. Luna sneaked out of the Royal Carriage, away from the travelling court, and spent the journey riding in the steam engine's cab. She had thoroughly enjoyed the racket, the heat and soot from the firebox, the wheels' metallic shrieks, and of course pulling on the whistle chain whenever the flustered engineers were not looking.
Trains were amazeballs!
There were other foal's wind-up toys, compasses, sextants, measuring tools, and complex devices that she couldn't put a name to.
Before she was banished, Luna had enjoyed designing siege engines, construction cranes, and equipment used in mining. She had spent many hours gazing at the complex insides of the rare and expensive timekeepers that she and her sister owned. Far cruder machines than the ones Clickspring had on display. The orderly motion was much like the stars she once shepherded.
The shop's green door had many layers of lumpy peeling paint and creaked as she pushed it open. She jumped and flattened her ears as loud metal bells gonged overhead as she entered. She looked up through her mane with wide eyes and saw a machine hung over the door, with rows of metal tubes being tapped by little felt hammers. A brass cylinder covered in pegs slowly spun while clockwork parts of the machine whirred and clicked.
"Coming! Won't be a moment!"
Clickspring's voice came through an open doorway at the back of the shop's showroom, curtained off with dangling rows of blue-tinted glass beads and brass gears.
Noctilucent closed the door and watched the musical mechanism slow to a stop. Its last bong faded and her ears rotated around, picking up quick ticking and clicking from the other devices scattered around the showroom. Having already seen the ones in the window, she wandered past a long glass case at the back of the room. She wondered how such small clockworks, barely large enough to fill one's hoof, could accurately keep time. Some displayed the day of the week. Some even showed phases of her Moon!
Something seemed off with one of the antique silver pocket watches. She squinted and realised that the Moon in its display wasn't tarnished and lacked the pitted outline of the Mare in the Moon. Somepony, likely Clickspring, had updated it.
If only it were so easy to fix herself.
"Sorry to keep you waiting, I was-" Beads clicked sharply against one another as Clickspring pushed through the curtain. He hesitated and then smiled when he saw Noctilucent. "Oh, hello again, Counsellor. How's your head?"
She swallowed a painful lump in her throat before answering. "I-I'm much better now. Th-thank thee, these, uh, these machines of your's are amazeballs!" She waved a hoof, taking in the whole shop and grinned a bit too widely. Her eyes and nose felt moist and she blinked rapidly while sniffling.
Thankfully, Clickspring didn't notice how close she was to blubbering like a schoolfilly. "Oh, thanks! I, uh, well most of these aren't my work, to be honest. Just pieces I've restored." He pointed at the mechanism that hung over the door. "That greeting chime is one of mine and some of the music boxes, oh, and a few of the clocks of course. Can't be a clockmaker if you don't make clocks, right?"
She nodded and followed as he trotted to the inside of the bay window, where he pointed at some of the foal's toys.
"I redesign the mechanism in these walking ducks and built a smoke emitter for this wind-up train. It needs work, but I have it more-or-less running. I need to find a lower viscosity oil and I'll have to use a finer atomiser jet, which of course means changing the pressure chamber size and rebuilding the gear system to compensate for the lower torque required. The spring drum isn't strong enough with the current gear train anyway and I think the pivot bearings are shot so they're wasting a lot of… Uh…"
Noctilucent hadn't seen Clickspring this animated before and while she didn't understand everything he was babbling about, it was pleasant to see him expressing a genuine interest in something.
She tried to encourage him a little. "It makes smoke? S-surely not with fire! You couldn't t-trust a little one with a machine that had a fire within its belly, could you?"
She reached into the window display with a cloven hoof to push the train gently along its short segment of track. A small puff of fake smoke chuffed out of its chimney. "Oh! Tis not hot to the t-touch at all! How d-does it do that?" She smiled up at him through the long bangs of mane that hung over her face.
Clickspring looked a bit surprised for a moment and inhaled deeply, and then blew it out making his lips flap. "Well… That's, uh… That's what I was…" He huffed and said, "It's like a perfume sprayer. There's a little cylinder to generate pressure which forces vegetable oil through an atomiser and sprays it up the chimney. No fire needed. But it clogs easily and the wind-up mechanism isn't really strong enough. It's a work in progress."
Not having to fake her interest in trains, Noctilucent slid the toy back and forth a few more times. The similarity of shape between the long red cylindrical engine and certain parts of a stallion's anatomy sprang to mind and she felt her ears flush. She stroked the engine back and forth a few more times while reminiscing about her last lover: Thunderbolt, a robust pegasus stallion in the Two-Sisters castle guard.
Dear Tia always complained that she left him too sore and feeble, and his rattling armour annoyed her when he stood watch outside her own bed chamber. Twas his own fault for not joining the Royal harem. One couldn't service The Night and also stand guard during the day.
What ever happened to Thunder?
"Would you like a cup of tea?" Clickspring's voice cracked on the last word.
Noctilucent's nose wrinkled and she stood up, reluctantly abandoning her train of thought. "Tea? No, t-thank th… you."
"Coffee? I have a new Fancy Press that I could break in for you."
Though she had no idea what a 'Fancy Press' was, she nodded and whispered, "C-coffee would be nice, thank you." Sharing a beverage together would give her a chance to get to know him a little better and to sound him out regarding poor Dirt Nap.
"I'll be back in a few minutes."
The bead curtain swung and clicked after he'd left and she was tempted to stay and play with the train, but sinking further into wistful memories wouldn't help with the present. She stepped through the curtain and into his workshop.
Three-stories tall, the open room took up most of the space inside the mill. Windows up high near the thick wood beams were open, letting in a watery breeze and shafts of light which did little to light the gloomy space. The thumping, gurgling, and splashing of the water wheel was much louder here and its axle shaft spun slowly though the huge gears were still. They linked to other shafts running vertically and horizontally overhead, with drooping belts hanging down to chunky machines scattered around the workshop.
Gears and springs and partially assembled mechanisms cluttered a motley assortment of work benches and shelves. Clocks of all shapes and sizes in varying states of disrepair hung on the walls. Some ticking but most were still and silent.
She spotted Clickspring's tawny tail with its blue tufted tip disappearing through an open doorway to her left. She followed him, past a stairway which went up to the second floor and through the door, into a small kitchen.
It was a bit more rustic than was typical even in Ponyville, with an unfinished wood table, two chairs, a wood-fired stove, a counter with a sink and water faucet, and rows cabinets and shelves. It wasn't much but it was clean and well stocked with pots, pans, knives and other cooking necessities. She saw the side of a grassy hill next to the mill through a large square-paned window over the table.
The one luxury the kitchen had was a wall clock with a face made of colourful glass flowers, it looked more like a bouquet than a timekeeper. A pair of gem encrusted hummingbirds moved slowly over the flowers, marking the hours and minutes.
Clickspring stood up on his hind legs at the kitchen's sink, grasping the wood handle of a cast iron kettle in his mouth. He must have spotted her reflection in the small window over the sink, because he glanced over his shoulder at her and plunked the kettle down in the sink.
"Oh, uh, welcome to my kitchen. You may as well come in and have a seat."
Noctilucent lifted her shopping bags off her back and set them on the floor. "T-thanks. I h-hope you don't mind my intrusion but I thought we might talk while you work."
"Alright." He turned away to fill the kettle. "What's on your mind?"
"N-nothing, really. I m-merely wish to get to know you better."
"Oh." He sounded disappointed.
Once the kettle was filled he closed the lid and ponyhandled it with mouth and fore hooves onto the stove. A cupboard opened and he levitated out a small cylindrical glass carafe with a mesh plunger inside.
Setting it down on the counter he grinned, waved a hoof and said, "Behold! Le Fancy Press."
"La cafetière à piston." Noctilucent chuckled at his pout and said, "S-sorry, I have seen one of these Fancy Presses before." At a pleasant bistro in dismal Manehattan.
He grunted and set about rinsing a small white teapot in the sink.
Noctilucent slid into one of the chairs though she would have preferred a cushion on the floor or that nice soft couch in Clickspring's shop. Ponies these days were sitting more often than reclining and she was determined to get used to the awkwardness of it.
With difficulty, she managed to slide her long tail between the rungs on the chair's back. She could feel them bumping into either side of her dock as she wiggled, pinning it uncomfortably in place.
Clicky bustled about, getting cups, saucers, spoons, bags of coffee and tea. His slender figure moved in a graceful, almost mare-ish way, and she had a difficult time imagining why a stallion who mated with other stallions would be attracted to him.
Why not just take a mare instead?
He only ever levitated one item at a time and kept his eyes on it while it floated through the air. His mangled horn shot a few sparks when he picked up a small covered pot with a wood handle sticking through the lid.
"I don't have milk or shugar but there's honey if that's okay." The pot wobbled through the air and he set it down at her end of the table.
"Ti… This is fine, thank you. I like it black and s-sweet."
Several quiet minutes of boiling, grinding, and mixing later they were both settled at the table with a cup of their favourite brews: sweet black coffee for Noctilucent and plain tea for Clickspring.
There was also a small tin of biscuits.
Nibbling on a vanilla cream and sipping her coffee Noctilucent had to admit it was a decent-tasting brew, though not as seductively delicious as her frappa-mocha-thing from this morning. Perhaps there was something to be said for having cow lactation in one's coffee. Clicky seemed content to sit quietly and enjoy his tea and her company, and she wasn't sure how to broach telling him about her plan. In the past, she had merely to declare a command and guards would march, castles would fall or be constructed, or somepony would lose their head. Somehow this was more difficult.
As Luna she might be able to lead a nation, but Counsellor Noctilucent was not a princess and had little power to command respect and expect obedience. That she needed to beg for assistance in matters of perversion that made her skin crawl did not help.
She shifted on the hard chair and tried to wiggle her tail into a better position. She must look a bit foalish.
"Would you like a cushion? Or, well, the washroom is upstairs." Clickspring waved a hoof in a vague gesture at the ceiling.
Damn. She did look a proper fidgety filly.
"N-no, we just… I mean, I want to discuss something… d-delicate in nature. I'm not certain where to begin." She struggled to keep her ears perked up politely as they annoyingly kept trying to fold.
Clickspring grimaced and set his cup down. "Delicate in nature? Did Nurse Redheart write everything I babbled about in my file? I'm sorry but she caught me at a bad time and-"
"While s-she was quite… detailed, it is not regarding you. Not exactly."
His ears perked up a little and he asked, "What's it about then? It can't be as embarrassing at the perverted song Pinkie sang and we made it through that. Though I thought poor Dirt Nap was going to melt into the couch."
They both chuckled. Not that she had fared much better. Pinkie Pie was a silly, lewd and utterly un-self-conscious pony.
"W-well, nae, no it's nothing that b-bad. I hope. But actually, it is about D-Dirt Nap."
"Ah, so this isn't just a social call." His ears perked up and he leaned his elbows on the table. "What can I do to help?"
She nodded and said, "F-forgive me but his problem s-seems the most pressing of everypony in the group and I must admit I am at a loss. His patient file is very thin and m-my own limited experience with young s-stallions sheds no light upon his situation." A half lie, as she had several centuries of experiencing stallions behind her, but whatever caused Dirt Nap's distress was plainly something she couldn't easily treat with a dream or two.
"Y-your patient file led me to believe that th- you may have wisdom that is relevant. Do you mayha- maybe have any thoughts about Dirt Nap that you would be willing to s-share?"
Clickspring scratched his short chin beard, slowly running his cloven hooves through the shiny blue hair. After a few moments, he slowly said, "He's scared of sex and I'd be surprised if he's not a virgin. Hanging out with mares and getting laid would probably fix that pretty quick. Unless he's not into mares."
Noctilucent nodded. "Y-yes, you echo my own diagnosis and possible treatment. I-it's that last part I wished to discuss with you since you are…" She waved a hoof at him. "The way you are."
He smirked and dryly said, "A gnob gobbler."
She barked a laugh and her magic wavered, sloshing a little coffee onto the table. Pressing a hoof over her muzzle to hide her grin she muttered, "S-sorry. I just-"
"No, I'm sorry. That was rude and I shouldn't badger you about something you're obviously not comfortable with. If it's any consolation I'm actually bi. I like mares as well."
She pouted a little as she sipped from her cup. It only made her more curious as to why he'd only pursued relations with other stallions.
"You're from a small town, like Dirt Nap?" he asked.
"Y-yes, a little village in the Unicorn Range."
He drank from his cup and said, "I figured. Then you know what ponies from small town are like."
She cocked an eyebrow and asked, "Small towns breed small minds?"
Clickspring winced and set his cup down. "I wouldn't say that. But they cling to tradition and teach their foals that there's only one right way to be in love. My point is, that even if Nap swings that way he might not have figured it out or be too scared to admit it."
"I hoped you might s-sense if he were…" She grimaced as it took her a moment to remember the medical term, "Homosexual."
"No, sorry. It's not like we all have gayscry or something."
"Oh! B-but I have purchased that spell, though I don't s-seem able to cast it correctly." She'd found it on a rack of scrolls at Pink Cherry's, amongst spells design to prolong intercourse and inhibit fertility.
Clickspring snorted in surprise and started laughing. Loud braying laughter.
Noctilucent sat up, cocked her head to one side and looked curiously through her bangs as he snorted and giggled. "P-pray tell what amuses you so."
"Y-you know that spell…" He caught his breath and wiped a tear from his eye. "That spell is just a novelty. A joke. It just picks up a pony's sex, tribe, and hide colour, then make up rude nonsense."
Noctilucent's mouth formed an 'o' shape for a moment.
She snickered and said, "This explains the c-crude things it reported about the ponies I tried it upon. I s-suspected it was false when it informed me that the school marm enjoyed… some very perverse activities. I have grave doubts that s-such a mare would be entrusted with educating the young."
"You'd be surprised just how kinky a normal looking pony can be."
She wouldn't actually. But the shy pony she was pretending to be? Yes, 'she' would be quite a sheltered creature. She faked a gasp and said, "Y-you mean… You believe she truly doth- does questionable things with fresh fruit?"
Clickspring grunted and said, "No! Maybe. Look, I don't even know Cheerilee. My point is that anypony could secretly be a Kinkie Pie and it doesn't matter. Shouldn't matter. Not to anypony they're not sleeping with, anyway."
Noctilucent sipped her coffee, swallowed and said, "I-I'm not certain I agree." One had to consider what was best for one's community and Equestria, after all. If every pony engaged in perversion who would sire and rear the next generation?
"You are living in s-solitude?" she asked, hoping to bring the topic around to how he might aid her with Dirt Nap.
"Yeah. It's been a couple of years since my last relationship kind of fizzled out and became just a friendship. He moved out after he met somepony new." He smirked. "Now days I'm by-myself-sexual."
Noctilucent nodded, she had read as much in Clickspring's file. "You've always had relations with other s-stallions, have you not?"
Clickspring frowned and said, "So? What are you getting at? Being bi isn't just about who you sleep with, y'know."
"I was wondering if p-perhaps Dirt Nap could use a role model if he is homosexual or bisexual like yourself. M-maybe if you were to discuss your relationships at the next-"
Shaking his head violently he cut her off. "For buck's sake, no! I'm no role model! Are you kidding me? Nap would become a hermit if he thought screwed up relationships like I've had were what he could look forward to."
"Bollocks!"
Clickspring jerked upright in his chair and his face was so shocked that it was difficult to not laugh at him. She had almost slipped and used the Royal Voice, but the masking spell had held and dampened her outburst down to something approaching a normal pony's speaking level. Fortunately, even at that volume, it had been enough to get his attention and shut down his intolerable whinging.
Realising that she'd slipped out of character, she pressed her hooves over her mouth and gasped. "Oh d-dear. P-please forgive my outburst, Mr. Clickspring."
"Uh, ok…?"
"It's just…" She sighed, placed her hooves on the table again and said, "F-few would remain in a wholly t-terrible relationship. Even abusive ponies have some s-spark of joy betwixt them which binds them together, for good or ill. You were with some of your, ah, p-partners for many years and from what I read in your file you did enjoy your first Festival."
Clickspring finished off his tea and nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."
"Could you not s-speak of your first Festival at the next session? I think it would balance out Miss Pie's tale of d-debauchery and subtly show Dirt Nap that there are, ah, other ways. M-maybe that's all he needs. A little encouragement."
Clickspring stared glumly into his empty cup, then nodded and said, "Okay. Seems like the least I can do, I suppose."
The teapot and Fancy Press levitated up, held in Noctilucent's magic as she poured each of them a fresh cup. "Thank th… Uh, thank you. Talking with the others s-should help you also. I-it is what the group sessions are for after all."
He shrugged and said nothing.
One of Noctilucent hoof toes tapped quietly on the table, marking time much like a ticking clock. After a few moments, she said, "You do need to s-speak up about that which trouble you, Clicky. Silence d-does ach… does nothing to help. We cannot give you counsel if you s-stay silent."
Clickspring grumbled, "Yeah, I know. It's not easy talking about it and I've gotten used to being alone." He waved a hoof vaguely at himself, "I'm comfortably broken I guess and I doubt that talking about it will make any difference."
"T-that is why talking about it is needed. You've don't see any way forwards where other ponies may. For example, have you tried dating a mare?"
Choking on half swallowed tea Clickspring gasped, "W-what?"
"Dating a mare. You s-said you are interested and yet you have only been with other stallions…" She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table and blinking her big pretty eyes. "I-if you are truthfully bisexual, p-perhaps seeking a relationship with a mare would be… a good change?"
Clickspring set his teacup with a loud rattle on its saucer while his face and ears heated up, "Ahh, well, ah… I have thought about it. But…"
"But, what?" Noctilucent reached across the table and picked out one of the long vanilla cream biscuits from the cookie tin.
Clickspring's ears flattened back against his head as he watched Noctilucent, looked away and then looked back again. "It's not like I haven't tried. But I'm not athletic or suave, and once a mare spots this thing-", he gestured at the crooked spiral on his forehead, "-it's game over. I have a cute butt, apparently, so dating studs is at least possible. Was possible. Nopony would want an old, broken shut-in like me."
Holding the cookie to her muzzle she licked and nibbled delicately on one end and watched poor Clickspring's face turn quite an interesting shade of reddish bronze.
Clickspring hid his eyes behind a folded leg and groaned, "Please stop doing that."
Fighting to keep a giggle out of her voice Noctilucent said, "Stop d-doing what?"
It was rather amusing to tease the uptight fellow and she now had proof of his interest in mares rather than just his declaration of it. There was also a little sinful pleasure in knowing that she was attractive, albeit while wearing a disguise.
Clickspring let out an annoyed grunt and scooted out of his chair, snatching up his cup in one foreleg. He stiffly walked on three legs to the sink, keeping his back to Noctilucent. After pouring out the dregs he stood with his fore hooves on the counter and stared out the window.
She rolled her eyes and bit the end off of her cookie.
He muttered, "I guess you forgot about the Curse?"
"Hmm? What c-curse?"
"You read my file! I didn't go to Festival, so of course I have the blasted Curse. It could've been Dr. Cake on the other side of the table flirting with me and this would've happened." He took a deep breath, exhaled and said, "No offence but he's not my type."
Oh! Oh, she felt like a hayhead.
There was no mention in his file about the Festival Curse but she should have known he would be suffering from it. That ancient event, far older than even she was, took cruel revenge upon those who refused to attend. A little teasing should have amused both of them, not induce a painful erection. The Curse's amplified response was much more dramatic than she'd intended.
Noctilucent felt her own ears grow warm with embarrassment and shame. After chasing the dry cookie down with a swallow of coffee she said, "You are right, I ha-had forgotten."
Still looking out the window while waiting for things between his legs to settle down Clickspring said, "Well… You're an intern and I guess mistakes will happen when somepony goes from theory to dealing with messy ponies in their natural habitats. Right?"
He looked over his shoulder at her and Noctilucent grimaced, her nose wrinkling as she nodded.
Clickspring turned away from the window and dropped down onto all four hooves, his arousal subdued and everything safely stowed, he walked over to the table and smiled warily at Noctilucent. "Alright then, no harm done. But tea break's over and I'd better get back to work."
"Oh! M-may I watch?"
Having secured Clickspring's assistance with her plans there really wasn't any need to tarry longer, but it would be nice to have a poke around his fascinating workshop. It was her day off so she should do something outside the hospital grounds while she had the chance.
She gulped the last swallows of coffee.
Clickspring's head cocked to one side as he looked at her and said, "Sure, though you might find it kind of boring. I just tempered some steel parts and I have lots and lots of boring polishing to get through. It won't be exciting to watch. You're welcome to look around the shop though."
"Wonderful!"
Noctilucent quickly cleared the table in a burst of magic; levitating her empty mug, teapot, Fancy Press, and various saucers and spoons to the sink. The lid hopped up onto the honey pot, the cookie tin was shut and both were sent back to their places on the counter.
He watched her display of magical prowess from the corner of his eyes, with his head tipped to one side and a slight frown on his muzzle. He grumbled, "Thank you", and walked out of the kitchen.
Noctilucent trotted after him, her eyes gleaming as she looked around at the fascinating machines. Clickspring stopping to fetch a workpony's smock from a hook on the wall. He sat on his haunches, tying it around himself as she walked over to an ancient-looking wood shelf and looked over the strange clockwork devices stowed in random disarray.
Some were clean and new looking, others clearly quite old and covered with tarnish and dirt from years of use and neglect. Many were plain timekeepers, a few music box engines, a tiny loom, and many things that she couldn't imagine the purpose of. Perhaps if they weren't in pieces, but to her inexperienced eye, they were mere frameworks with random gears, springs, bells and levers.
Clickspring hopped up onto a tall stool next to one of the benches and fished small parts out of a glass jar filled with murky yellow oil. He levitated them one by one to a pile of rags and used his hooves to wipe the oil and some melted white crud off them.
Noctilucent found a small model of a unicorn colt sitting at a school desk with a ratty looking feather pen tucked between his cloven hoof toes. The tip hovered over the desk's top. The poor colt's fabric hide was mostly rotted away, exposing the gear-y gore of his inner workings. It was beautiful and repulsive at the same time.
Clickspring hopped down from his stool, carrying a small tray with some of the cleaned parts on it. Small screws, clock hands and an assortment of gears and levers. He stopped near Noctilucent and watched her use a hoof to gingerly poke at the unicorn automaton, making its pen-holding leg wiggle.
"He writes Iffilian poems but I have a lot to do before he'll be presentable again."
Noctilucent smiled over her shoulder at him, "I-I'm sure he will appreciate it. Do you mostly do repair work?"
Clickspring set his tray of parts down on a small circular table. A thick slice sawn from an oak's trunk with a flat slate embedded in the top, surrounded by holes. They were filled with an assortment of files, picks, and rolls of grit paper.
Hopping up onto a short stool next to the table he nodded, "Yes, I've learned a lot working on other pony's pieces. I have been designing and making my own for a few years."
Clickspring drizzled some water on the stone, selected a sheet of very fine but strong abrasive and stuck it down in the puddle, then applied more water. He flipped the magnifying lenses on his glasses down, plucked a gear from the tray and examined it for a moment before starting to polish it. Smooth and even swirling strokes with his magic, pressing just hard enough to remove the tempering scale.
Noctilucent wandered over to one of the belt-driven machines, which she guess was used for drilling holes. A tool similar to a unicorn's horn, with sharp-looking flutes at the tip, pointed down to a small metal table with a hole in it. The squat machine next to it held a disk made of stone and another of metal bristles.
They would not look out of place in a torture oubliette.
A pedal that reminded her of the 'deadpony' switch on the train engine stuck out from the base of the drilling machine. She stepped on it to see what might happen.
Her ears flattened at a loud bang and the room came alive with a mechanical roar that shook dust from the rafters! The belt hanging down to the machine snapped into motion. Eyes wide with alarm and fascination she leaned closer as the horn-like tool rapidly spun like a top and slowly lowered toward the table.
She felt a something grab her around the withers and her leg was snatched away from the pedal!
Yanked sideways and unbalanced she tumbled to the floor, crashing into Clickspring and sending him flailing across the room on his back. He squealed in pain as the mills drive shafts slowed and the machines clattered to a halt.
Wiggling on the cold flagstones, Noctilucent rolled over onto her belly and cursed, "By Grogar's culs! Hath thou taken leave of thy senses?" She snorted angrily before spotting Clickspring curled up on the floor, gasping for air with his forelegs pressed down between his thighs.
"C-Clicky! Art… Are you injured?" There was no scent of blood.
Clickspring groaned and opened his eyes, looked over at her and choked out, "Don't touch me."
She blinked in surprise and withdrew her hoof. She gingerly stood up and frowned at the dirty streaks on her white flank. A few strokes with her magic removed most of it while Clickspring groaned, rolled over and shakily stood up. His glasses were missing but he didn't appear injured at all.
Noctilucent glared at him. "W-why in Equestria did you dare lay hooves upon U… Upon m-me?"
He panted for a few moments with his head down, standing on shaky legs with the hind ones spread awkwardly. He looked up at her with watery eyes and whined, "D-do you know what happens to ponies who get their mane caught in a drill press? If they're lucky they just get their scalp torn off."
She blinked a few times and murmured, "Oh. I… I d-don't believe I was in any danger."
He shuffled past the polishing table and said, "Machines are unforgiving. When I was a colt I almost lost a hoof to a lathe I was sure was set up correctly." He hobbled over to a lever that jutted out of the wall, grasped it in his forelegs and grunted as he shoved it down.
"I should've disengaged the wheel before letting you loose in here."
He slowly sat and hunched over, closed his eyes and whimpered.
Noctilucent's fury at being so rudely ponyhandled ebbed and she walked a few steps toward him. "You're in pain? D-did you injure yourself when you fell?"
Clickspring opened one eye to look warily at her and he shook his head. "Not really, no. The Curse hits me hard if I touch somepony." He shifted gingerly and muttered, "Feels like my apples have been bucked."
She nibbled her lower lip. "I'm s-sorry. Is that a-anything I can do? I know of a s-spell which will relieve any pain but it would require I t-touch you."
He grimaced, "No. No, thank you, anyway." His horn flashed and threw off a few sparks. Moments later his glasses sailed up from a corner of the room and settled, slightly askew, on his muzzle.
"I just need to lie down for a while." He waved a hoof towards the shop's entrance and groaned, "Would you mind seeing yourself out?"
She nodded and walked past him, careful not to accidentally brush him with her long tail. She popped into the kitchen to snatch her shopping bags and draped them over her back, then stopped to look at Clickspring. She opened her mouth to apologise again but he cut her off.
"Don't worry, we're still friends. It's my own fault for leaving the clutch engaged… and that I'm cursed."
Noctilucent frowned and shook her head. "I'm your c-counsellor, not your friend. That would be… i-improper."
Clickspring squinted at her, in pain or perhaps disbelief. It was her turn to wince. She'd barged into his home, invited herself to coffee and an intimate chat, teased him by fellating a cookie, then practically hoofed him in the culs. She'd been a terrible guest in his home, yet he still wished to be friends.
She had to say no.
There were rules against such overly intimate relations with patients. Nurses and doctors were not allowed to grow too close to their patients — just as officers must not fraternise with the common soldier. Friendly, but not friends.
He shrugged and said, "Right, well… Thank you for coming by, Counsellor."
"Will I s-see you at the group session? You'll s-speak about your first Festival?" She had to secure at least that much.
He nodded and she reluctantly turned to go.
She stepped outside, ears flat as the horrid chime gonged its simple music over her head. The sun had given way to overcast and a gust whipped strands of mane across her eyes. Annoyed, she shoved it back with a hoof and looked up. Ponyville's small weather team were hard at work, herding dark clouds together.
There should be time to pay a visit to Mistress Sparkle before the rain fell.
Clickspring hobbled to the door, twisted the lock, and flipped the sign over to 'Closed'.
He peered through the window as Noctilucent glanced up at the sky, then quickly trotted off toward Ponyville. Watching her hips sway made his already painful erection throb.
He turned away from the window with a gasp, stumbled up the stairs to the second floor and into the bathroom. His balls ached and his bladder felt near to bursting, but trying to piss through a hard dick was almost impossible. He had to get rid of it! He untied his work smock, crumpled it up into a ball of dirty fabric and tossed out the bathroom door. At least it had kept the Counsellor from seeing his shameful condition.
Standing up on his hind legs he turned the shower head so that it pointed at the white tiles that surrounded the tub. A dribble of clear fluid seeped from him as he leaned into the tub to twist the hot and cold taps. He stuck a hoof into the spray and made adjustments until the water was a reasonable temperature.
After climbing awkwardly into the tub he sat for a few minutes with his eyes closed. The cool porcelain-coated metal felt nice against his aching balls. He yanked the curtain closed and steam from the shower, still pointed at the tiles, began to fill the enclosed space.
He opened his eyes, shoved a bottle of shampoo to one side and snatched out the bottle of lube hidden behind it. Flicking the lid open he squeezed a dollop of clear jelly onto his right pastern and fetlock.
The bottle clattered against the tub as he discarded it. He stroked his slippery foreleg along his cock, smearing the slippery goo on its vein-y length. His cock and balls were a slightly darker blue than his mane. It look like freshly blued steel with a coat of shiny lube. As he caressed himself with a shaking leg, he felt very little: a tugging sensation that lifted his aching balls from the bathtub's floor when he stroked upwards; a little pain when they plopped back down; a vague sense of pressure where he squeezed the shaft; and worse pressure from his distended bladder.
With a grunt he got up on three legs, and slowly pumped the pastern of his right leg along his blue erection.
What should he fantasise about?
He wanted to get this chore over and done with so he could take a piss and go lie down, so it should be something that went straight to the business, nothing romantic.
The 'black dog' fantasy would do.
In his mind's eye pictured a svelte, black diamond dog bitch — not that he'd ever met one but he'd seen pictures. He imagined her bent over, tail in the air, presenting and ready to go. He'd been around dogs often enough to know what they looked like when they were in heat and he imagined that a diamond dog's pussy would be similar. He licked his lips while fantasising about licking her, probing his tongue inside the soft black skin of her snatch, making her whine with desire.
When he imagined jumping up onto her and slipping the bone inside, he crushed the head of his cock with his trembling leg, not even noticing the hard hoof edge digging in. There was merely a tickle of sensation from his urethra. He imagined driving deeper into her and slid his leg further back, losing even that. There was just a sensation of pulling at his groin and his balls swinging.
He humped his leg, concentrating on the lust he felt for the concept of mating with a female he could never hope to actually impregnate — but having a damn good try at it anyway. Something about that pushed his buttons, that and the sensation of his aching balls bouncing off of his foreleg and hoof while imagining them smacking into her backside.
After a few minutes of frantic humping, gasping, and panting, rope-y strands of white cum shot out. "Ow! Ow, ow, ow", he hissed through clenched teeth as each convulsion caused a burst of pain from his blue balls.
His tail flexed up and down with each squirt and the clenching in his gut forced a long, burbling squeak out of his ass.
Gasping and laughing at the fart he let go of his cock, his hooves making a loud clattering in the tub as he shifted his balance. After a few more twitches and squirts, his cock started to go soft, the flared head shrinking back to normal as it retreated back into his sheath.
He snorted unhappily and shoved his face under the stream of hot water. As usual, he felt weary and disgusted after an orgasm.
Trying to distract himself, he scooped up the bottle of lube and shoved it back into hiding. Careful not to step in the long puddle of cum, he reached up and angled the shower head so that it washed over the mess and sent it down the drain. A few quick swipes with a hoof loosened strands that were stuck to the tub and got it clean enough for now.
He slid the loop of a scrub brush over the hoof, squirted some of the lilac scented shampoo onto it, and started scrubbing his chest fur. Suds trickled down his belly and over his sheath. He grit his teeth as the soap stung his pee hole. His balls continued to ache, but no where near as badly and he knew from experience that it would soon fade.
Noctilucent's teasing and having to grab her wouldn't have hurt so much if it hadn't been so long since he'd 'cleared the pipes'. Abstinence put the Curse on a hair trigger.
But he detested having to do it.
"Public Service. Check!"
"Dream Walking. Check!"
Twilight Sparkle hummed a cheerful note as she set the scroll down on the table. It felt so satisfying to draw that simple check mark in bright green ink, even if the long list of tasks weren't hers.
She looked across the table at Noctilucent and asked, "What about 'Open Moon Channel'? Have you made any progress with that?"
Noctilucent shook her head. "Nae, not yet. But the trickle of power waxes with every Walk."
Twilight nodded, glanced at the list and asked, "'Make Friends'?"
Her own research into friendship was proceeding well and she was certain that it would be a key factor in the Princesses' rehabilitation. Nothing helped build a sense of community as a close friendship or two… or five.
Noctilucent sighed and shook her head, "Busy are my days and nights an' the only ponies I have spoken with are my fellows at the hospital or patients." She looked like she was going to say something further, but after a moment's hesitation she closed her mouth and frowned.
"Is something wrong, Pri-", she caught herself and scrunched her muzzle for a moment. "Noctilucent?"
Her magically whispery voice took on a low, raspy quality that made the mane on the back of Twilight's neck stand on end. "Many mistakes have I made this past week, Mistress Sparkle. Troubling mistakes."
Twilight Sparkle gulped and asked, "W-what kind of mistakes?" She hoped it wasn't an early warning that Nightmare Moon might return.
"I was in the Room of Emergencies when an injured pegasus was brought to us. The bones in his forelegs were shattered, making them a bloody pulp."
Twilight shuddered.
"He was left in my charge while a doctor was sought and I forgot all I have learned of first aid." Noctilucent's eyes went distant and she muttered, "Twas the blood and his gurgling cries of anguish. I felt I stood once more upon a blood-soaked field and could smell corpses, hear the flies buzzing and caws of crows circling o'r head."
This was way out of Twilight's comfort zone and she squirmed as bile crept up the back of her throat. She desperately wanted the Princess to stop talking.
"When a doctor finally arrived I was preparing for amputation and would not have bet two bits upon the stallion's chances." She muttered, "I made a foalish spectacle of myself."
Twilight had heard about the accident from Rainbow Dash, but Luna's account was far more graphic. Too graphic! She swallowed the sourness at the back of her throat and asked, "H-he's alright though, right?"
"Aye, no thanks to me. Tis a lucky pass that I did not simply use magic to 'heal' him or he would now be a legless cripple."
They were both quiet for a long time and Twilight could hear Spike bustling away in the kitchen fixing dinner. A small reminder of normal life after listening to the brief but nightmarish story.
The Princess seemed to be waiting for her to say something.
"Umm…"
Noctilucent sighed, waved a hoof and said, "I am most sorry Twilight Sparkle. T'was not my intention to cause upset. This day has been fraught with unintentional breaking of rules and upsetting of ponies."
"Oh?"
Noctilucent sucked in her lower lip and looked away. She squirmed on her seat like a filly afraid of being scolded and Twilight struggled to keep a sudden smile off her muzzle.
"I may have… Nay, I did cause offence and suffering to a patient by… By flirting with him."
"F-flirting? With a patient?" Twilight's voice squeaked and cracked.
"I'm ashamed to admit tis true. I know there are regulations against such misbehaviour but I had no intent to seduce the poor stallion. Merely to test him." She sighed and leaned her head against her hooves and muttered, "Still, t'was foolhardy to rouse the curse he is afflicted with and I have broken the golden rule of medicine; to do no harm."
"There's a curse?" Twilight asked. Should she write to Princess Celestia for advice or contact her friends right away to help her deal with whatever this curse was?
"Aye, a curse. Do not trouble yourself with it." Noctilucent waved a hoof, like shooing a fly away. "Tis a thing neither spell nor potion can touch, though your fertile womb may provide succour when the time comes."
"What?!"
Noctilucent didn't seem to hear her dismayed squeak. The disguised princess banged her hooves on the table and huffed, "Tis a shame I may not befriend a patient, as he wished it so despite the pain mine misdeed hath caused him."
"Friends stick with you even when you make mistakes!" Twilight blurted.
She slapped a hoof over her mouth.
Noctilucent blinked at her a few times and said, "A-aye… I suppose they would?"
"Yes, friends!" Twilight decided to push the advantage while she had it. "You really do need to make some friends, Pri… Noctilucent. It's great you want to help other ponies by working at the hospital. But it shouldn't all be about work, right? You can help a pony just by spending time with her, doing things you enjoy together, helping with her problems and letting her help you too." She'd have to find somepony with strong stomach! "I-I think it'd be the best way for you to get back in touch with Equestria."
"Thou are likely in the right." Noctilucent grimaced and said, "I shall do as you bid and put more effort into seeking a friend, though I do not know when I shall find the time."
Twilight relaxed and almost sighed with relief. This was a happy topic she'd become much more familiar with even if it was still kind of new. At least it didn't involve discussing broken anything — bones or rules. Or her womb. She didn't want to know what that was about!
"I know! How about we make a list of all the things you could do to look for a friend?"
Noctilucent grumbled but was soon making suggestions as Twilight wrote down their ideas. Many of them weren't the sort of things that Twilight would do, like 'Carousing an Alehouse' or 'Jousting Tourney'. Did ponies even do that anymore? She wasn't sure, so it went on the list. She could ask Apple Jack and Rainbow Dash about places to drink in Ponyville, they should know of some. Pinkie Pie definitely would, but Pinkie was supposed to stay away from places like that.
Twilight nibbled on her quill's vane and muttered, "It's too bad you can't be friends with a patient."
"Indeed." Noctilucent yawned and sat up straighter. "Though he is an odd fellow he hath an attractive rump."
And right back into uncomfortable territory again! Twilight whined, "Princess!"
"What? Tis most shapely, almost like unto a mares. Round from all angles and well-muscled for thrusting." Noctilucent waved her hooves in the air, miming a pair of buttocks.
Twilight groaned and hit her head against the table.
Author's Note
If you don't like this Clickspring pone, you should probably stop reading the story right here. :facehoof: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/facehoof.png
Please let me know if you see any typos, grammar problems, etc.

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                4 - Can, Did and Will Again                
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4 - Can, Did and Will Again
"Nurse Noctilucent. May I see you in my office for a few minutes?" Dr. Cake had tracked her down to the emergency room, where Dr. Horse was demonstrating how to use a defibrillator to the three interns. Dr. Horse nodded giving her permission to leave and Noctilucent trotted off, following Dr. Cake. As they walked through the reception he waved her up to walk beside him.
"It's about the group session this evening. Something's come up and I can't make it."
"O-oh dear," Noctilucent said, "I hope it's n-nothing too terrible."
The doctor's heavy belly shook as he chuckled and said, "Oh, no. Just a little colt reminded me that I'd promised to be there for his school play." He puffed a bit as they headed up the stairs. "If you weren't here I would have had to disappoint the little guy, but if you're willing I'm confident you can handle the session on your own. Are you up for it?"
Was she? Yes, she was looking forward to it and was curious as to how Dirt Nap might respond to Clickspring discussing his first Festival. If he came through on his promise. "Y-yes, Doctor. H-have you reviewed my case studies of Dirt Nap and Clickspring?"
Dr. Cake held open the door to his office for her and said, "I have. That's what I want to talk with you about, I have a few ideas you might use in guiding the session."
A 'few minutes' turned into a half hour long discussion about each of the group's members, with Noctilucent taking notes on how Dr. Cake thought she should handle the session. While she didn't agree with all of his directions she would keep them in mind. At least she wasn't feeling irritated about having to be submissive to a stallion anymore. Dr. Cake was such an easy going and jolly fellow.
Dr. Cake's ear's perked up as the distant ringing of the Ponyville clock tower intruded, he jumped up and said, "Celestia's mercy! I had better get trotting or I'll be late!"
Noctilucent stayed at the desk, finishing off her notes and feeling annoyed that nopony ever seemed to curse using her name.
"Remember what I said: Keep a firm control on Miss Pie or she'll take over the session and you'll just have a party on your hooves."
"Aye, aye!" She turned to look over her shoulder as he left the office and said, "Uh… I-I mean, y-yes, sir! Enjoy the play."
He waved and was gone in a clopping of heavy hooves and creaks from the hospital's old wooden floor. A few minutes later Noctilucent headed to the staff's lounge to prepare for the group session, not that there was much setting up to do. She cleaned a few mugs left in the sink and wiped down the coffee table to clear up some dried cup rings and crumbs, then curled up atop one of the comfy chairs to wait for the others.
It wasn't long before she heard Pinkie Pie's voice coming from the hallway. "...and then I ran, and ran, and ran! But the rope wouldn't budge and I was running and running and running in once place! It was super silly!" Pinkie's story wrapped up as she entered the lounge, Fluttershy by her side.
"You have to come next time, Fluttershy."
The small yellow pegasus smiled at her friend, nodded and muttered, "Mmm, hmm… I-I mean, m-maybe…"
"H-hello Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy." Noctilucent sat up a little and smiled and said, "Please take a seat. You're the first to arrive."
"Hiiiiiiiiiiii, not nurse Noctilucent!"
Pinkie Pie pronked over to her usual spot on the couch near the counter while Fluttershy quietly walked to the table and began pulling packages out of the saddlebags she wore. There was a box from Sugarcube Corner, a small covered bowl of salsa, a bag of corn chips and a half dozen soda bottles. She delicately arranged them on the table using her wing tips.
"I h-hope that you have both had a good week," Noctilucent said and readied her pen and notepad in case something interesting had occurred.
Pinkie rubbed her chin and said, "Welll… there was this mean, meany old griffon being mean to everypony. But nopony would believe me about how mean she was! Not Dashie. Not Twilight. Nopony!"
"I believed you." Fluttershy's voice was barely above a whisper.
Noctilucent was surprised and said, "A g-griffon, here in Ponyville?" Things certainly had changed a great deal in the last thousand years, as at the time of her incarceration the vicious creatures had been all but exterminated by Equestria. "H-how did that make you feel?"
"It made me mad. And sad. Mad and sad."
Fluttershy finished setting up her snacks, leant her saddlebags up against the side of the couch and climbed up next to Pinkie.
"That meanie griffon was even mean to poor Fluttershy!" Pinkie sighed, "How could anypony be mean to the nicest pony in all Equestria like that?"
Fluttershy blushed cutely and whispered, "She, she was pretty awful. Even for a griffon."
Noctilucent nodded and said, "I have read that they can be quite s-savage." They had proven to be worthy foes but while griffon forces had the advantage in sheer savagery and were naturally endowed with weapons, they were disorganised and fractious.
"Were you able to, ah, r-resolve the situation peacefully?"
Pinkie nodded gleefully and said, "Yyyyyep! I threw her a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party!"
Noctilucent blinked in surprise; this was not a tactic she had ever considered using against griffons. "Umm, how did that work?"
"Well... Everypony had a wonderful, fun time except meanie old Gilda griffon. She was such a sourpuss she got angry at everypony and everypony saw what a terrible, terrible meanie she really is." Pinkie sighed and said, "She ended up leaving in one big huffy huff. It would've been a better party if she hadn't been so mean and we could have all had fun together. It's extra hard to make somebirdy smile when they have a beak."
Noctilucent wrote a few notes about Pinkie Pie's successfully channelling her energy into a positive response to the threat that the griffon represented. Stepping forward to defend her friends rather than becoming violent or catatonic with depression. That Fluttershy had attended a large social gathering with a loud and obnoxious griffon (for all griffons were loud and obnoxious were they not) demonstrated a growing level of confidence and trust in her fellow ponies.
"I-is anyone else coming today, Counselor Noctilucent?" Fluttershy gestured with a wing tip at the table and said, "I-I brought snacks for everypony. Everypony who was here last time."
"I'm afraid Dr. Cake won't b-be joining us today as he had an i-important event to attend." Noctilucent smiled and said, "But I am expecting Dirt Nap and Clicky."
"Speak of the devil, and he will appear," said Clickspring as he walked into the room. "No doctor today, eh? Is it ok if I take his chair?"
"Hiiiiii, Clicky!" Pinkie waved excitedly as the unicorn made a beeline for the other chair.
"Hi."
Noctilucent nodded, "C-certainly. Well mmm… Welcome, Clicky." As Clickspring made himself comfortable on the chair she said, "Did you have a good week? Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were j-just telling me about an encounter with a…"
"Most mean meanest meany pants, ever!"
"Yes, that." Noctilucent sighed and hoped she wouldn't need to try and rein in the excitable earth pony. She wasn't certain exactly how she could if it came down to it. Her old, reliable 'knock em down and dominate' tactic was not a workable strategy for Noctilucent.
Clickspring said, "Well, I managed to get a clockwork machine I've been tinkering with for months to work. Finally." He grinned like a colt at Hearth's Warming and rubbed his hooves together, "Now I can start turning it into something much more interesting." He held up a hoof. "No, Pinkie! No party to celebrate, thank you. Not yet anyway. Maybe when it's finished. Maybe."
"Awww, it's ok, Clicky. I know you're not a party pony, but if you doooo ever want to throw a party I'm your girl!" She bounced on her rump on the springy couch, grinning happily and winking at him.
Noctilucent took note of Clickspring's flinch. If necessary she would speak up to stop Pinkie Pie from continuing to tease him, the memory of her own ill-advised flirting still fresh in her mind.
There was a nervous tapping at the open door and Dirt Nap poked his big head into the room.
Noctilucent waved him in and said, "W-welcome, Dirt Nap. Please close the door a-and have a seat."
Dirt Nap shut the door and trotted over to the remaining couch. Noctilucent noted that he seemed more nervous than the last session as the earth pony awkwardly settled himself onto the creaking couch, with his head pointing towards Clickspring and his rump towards her.
"C-Clicky was just telling us that he has had a successful week." Noctilucent waved for him to continue.
"Umm, yeah. I guess that's about it really. My machine works but there's a lot more to do. That's about it for my week. Nothing else really, uh, interesting has happened. Just me in my workshop, making things." Clickspring chuckled nervously.
Noctilucent turned her attention to Dirt Nap or at least to his handsome, broad and muscular earth pony backside. "S-so, how was your week, Dirt Nap? Anything of note?"
He squirmed a bit and said, "Nope, nothin' really. Jus' more trainin' at work."
"What are you training at?" asked Clickspring.
"Runnin' one o' those big steam shovels. Ah ain't drivin' it yet. They got me stokin' the boiler, checkin' the gauges, doin' maintenance and follerin' the driver 'round. Ah reckon in another week an ah'll get to drive it."
Clickspring gave voice to Noctilucent's thoughts when he said, "That sounds like fun to me! I love a good steam engine."
Dirt Nap's ears perked up and he smiled shyly. "Yuh think so? It is pretty amazin'. Roarin' an smokin' an Holy Foaledo does it shift dirt! We're levellin' hills south a' town to build homes, an it's just tearin' on through. Ah hope we don' finish afore ah get mah go."
Noctilucent scribbled notes and thought that it was good to see Dirt Nap talking animatedly for a change, displaying typical earth pony pleasure in working with his hooves. She cleared her throat to interrupt and stem the tide of masculine camaraderie. "S-sorry gentlecolts, but we need to get started. Mmm… p-perhaps you can continue your discussion after the session?"
The two stallions settled down, both looking a bit sheepish.
Noctilucent said, "Now, P-pinkie Pie and Fluttershy, I think how you dealt with that griffon shows you are b-both making great strides in dealing with your past i-issues. Clicky, we haven't even started to discuss how we can help you with your p-problems. Nor have we made any progress with your situation, Nap."
"Ah wus thinkin', maybe ah could just skip goin' to the Festival?" Dirt Nap gestured at Clickspring, "Ah heard folks talkin' 'bout how Clicky didn' go to the last one on account of he was sick." He turned his head to look at Noctilucent and gave her a hopeful look. "So, maybe ah could jus' go next year, y'know, if'n ah'm ready for it by then?"
Noctilucent nodded and said, "Y-yes, it is possible to ab-abstain. But the side effects of not attending are unpleasant, potentially d-dangerous and linger per annum. Uh, that is until the next Festival." She had struck the books after her unfortunate visit to Clicky's mill and had read about the effects of not attending. Medical literature referred to it as Post-Festival Abstinence Syndrome and indeed there was a note in Nurse Redheart's report that Clickspring was suffering 'acute PFAS'. Noctilucent just hadn't known what the initials meant and had stupidly not taken the time to find out.
Clickspring grouchily said, "It's called the 'Festival Curse' for a reason."
Swallowing heavily Dirt Nap turned to Clickspring and asked, "I-is it bad?"
Clickspring sighed and nodded. "It's pretty awful, yeah. You know what 'blue balls' are, Nap?"
The earth pony nodded. "Yeah, well, ah've heard about 'em."
"It's like that, like your balls are in a vice and, uh…" Clickspring's ears flushed in embarrassment.
Pinkie chirped, "No worries, Clicky! I think I broke everypony's embarrassment ears last time."
Everypony chuckled, except for Fluttershy who just looked uncomfortable.
Clickspring nodded and continued, "I'm not sure how it works for earth ponies but unicorns feel a magical 'call' pulling at them to go where the Festival takes place. Resisting it is hard and you end up feeling like you have a fever. You can't keep your hooves still, like you've drunk way too much coffee. Your balls ache. You get as hard as a rock and as the night goes on everything starts to hurt."
"Can't you, y'know, jus' take care of it yerself?" Dirt Nap's ears flattened to his head.
"You can, but it doesn't matter how many times you do. You'll stay hard and desperate the whole night. The only thing that switches it off is if you get off while having sex with somepony. So if you skip the Festival you'll be a painful wreck by the end of the night. I certainly was."
Clickspring drew a shuddering breath and said, "Afterwards you'll still hurt, for the rest of the year I mean. You'll still be horny as hell, constantly dropping and getting hard over just about anything and you can pretty much forget about touching anypony."
Dirt Nap looked ill. "Ah mostly work with other stallions, so, maybe if ah skip the Festival an just stick to goin' to work and home ah'd be ok."
"No. If anypony touches you the Curse will hoof you in apples and make you hard as a rock. It doesn't care if you're attracted to them or not." Clickspring shook his head and said, "Isolation is the only way to deal with it."
"Ain't there no way t'make it go away? Magic or somethin'?"
Clickspring snorted and said, "Just gelding."
Dirt Nap moaned, a long low sound from deep down in his throat and clenched his tail down tightly over his rump.
Noctilucent cleared her throat, annoyed with Clickspring for being so blunt and scaring the poor colt. "Ahem. Other than surgery there a-are spells and medications that can make you feel less, umm, am'rous. But they have side-effects and you'd still have to deal with easily incited arousal."
Pinkie Pie chirped, "Gelding ain't so bad!"
"Pinkie…"
"What? The owner of Quills and Sofas is a gelding and he's… kinda strange, but nice. Maybe you should talk to him too?"
Fluttershy asked, "Pinkie, h-how do you know he's… like that?"
"I looked."
"Oh, Pinkie. You can't just look like that, it's not polite."
"Can, did and will again." Pinkie giggled and snorted.
Noctilucent tried clearing her throat again, a little more loudly this time. "Ahem! Umm… I think w-we've ranged a little off topic. Clicky, since you've told us what it's been like for you when you abstain, m-maybe you could tell us about what it's like when you have gone?"
"Ok, but can I have one of those sodas? I could use a drink first."
For a few minutes, everypony relaxed and helped themselves to the drinks and snacks that Fluttershy had brought. Once everyone was settled again, sipping and munching, Clickspring began.
"I came out to my family about liking other stallions before my first Festival..."
Later that night as she was brushing her teeth Noctilucent thought about visiting Dirt Nap's dreamscape again. It had been interesting watching Dirt Nap's reactions to Clicky's story; embarrassment and confusion, but also curiosity. Evidence was mounting about what his preferences might be.
While she was charged up enough for a walk she didn't have any dreams she felt safe sharing with Dirt Nap yet and there was little point in watching the stallion fellate himself again. Perhaps visiting his place of work would be enough to give her material for a worthwhile dream to try out on him? She still wasn't thrilled with the idea of Nap turning out to be bent that way, but if Clicky was anything to base an opinion on perhaps that wouldn't be so bad. Clicky was considerate, intelligent, well spoken and devoted to his craft. Then again, he was bisexual so perhaps a pure sodomite would be a different animal altogether, but she doubted it.
They seemed to simply be ponies like any other pony and nothing like the sneaky, self-loathing malcontents of the past. Well, Clickspring certainly had the self-loathing problem but was otherwise better adjusted than the deviant ponies she had attempted to straighten out in the past. Hammering them into shape so that they could be reproductive members of society had been the only way to keep them alive and accepted by their fellow ponies.
There was a rapid knocked and Tongue Pressor yelled at her through the door, "Come on, Luci! Quit hogging the bathroom!"
She spat foam into the sink and said, "J-just a moment!"
Tongue Pressor was not the most patient of ponies, but Noctilucent thought that she had only been in here for a few minutes. She wasn't certain. Time seemed to fly when her mind wandered. She rinsed her mouth, sluiced out the sink and opened the door to let the frantic pegasus in.
Walking into the dorm she saw that Nurse Pearl Singer was still awake, sitting at her small desk with a lamp on and nose deep in a textbook. She bid her goodnight, receiving a distracted "G'nite" in reply as she crawled into her bed.
Pulling the blanket up and laying her head down, she decided to drop in on Clicky instead, to see if his dreams revealed anything interesting about what made him tick. There was no need to bathe in moonlight as the spell came easily now.
The oval tunnel was taller than it was wide, made of dark red bricks which had become coated with a layer of black grime. Gasping as he ran, Clickspring's nose was filled with the sweet stink of garbage decaying and hot, burnt metal. He stumbled and nearly fell over one of the wooden railroad ties, but somehow kept on his feet and kept running. Echoes of the clattering of his hooves bounced back from the walls, but he hardly heard them over the thudding of his heartbeat.
Something was chasing him. Two somethings. The chase had begun when he saw the two black, pony-shaped outlines against the dark of the tunnel walls and he had run, knowing that he could never outrun them.
The tunnel he was running down met another one in a 'Y' shaped intersection. He stumbled out onto the new subway track and stopped, gasping for air, each exhalation a long plume of fog in the chilly tunnel. Looking ahead he saw a dimly lit station and though the jump up from the track to the platform looked impossible he had to try.
Looking back into the tunnel he saw the two shadows were sauntering towards him, radiating darkness and confidence that the chase would soon be over.
Clickspring squealed in panic and tried to get moving toward the station but his legs felt like they were sticking to the damp floor and his body was leaden from exhaustion. He stumbled a few shaky steps and thought about giving up, letting go and collapsing onto the tracks. His left ear flicked as though something had brushed up against it and he had a sudden thought, 'I'm… dreaming?'
He looked around at the tunnel and with a dizzying wrench of déjà vu he realised he'd been here before. Had run from these shadows before.
"I am dreaming."
The tunnel jolted in and out of focus and suddenly his fear was gone. Clickspring wasn't gasping for air anymore, he felt relaxed and strong. His head came up, his horn flaring with intense golden light and he turned to face the shadows. He didn't wonder at why his horn was now a healthy double helix or where the flowing cloak over his back had come from, he glared at the shadows and made a dismissive gesture with one hoof.
The dark shape shattered into tiny black cubes, blowing away from his gesture and fading quickly to nothing. His eyes shifted to the remaining shadow, which turned tail and fled the way it had come.
He thought about chasing it down but he couldn't be arsed. The shadows were nothing to fear any longer. Warm, soothing darkness consumed the tunnel around him and he faded from consciousness.
Luna kicked a hoof against the grey fog of dreamstuff that she stood on, feeling good about having helped Clicky confront and best his nightmare. It had been more than a little disturbing, stepping into his dream and finding herself inside a symbolic representation of Clicky's anus, but it had turned out well enough in the end.
Seeing his transformation into a handsome and uncrippled state and his confident attack upon the shadows of his past relationships had left her feeling a bit randy. Perhaps she should visit Pinkie Pie's dreams and scratch her itch? She felt certain that Pinkie must have some unusual erotic fantasies inside that giddy little head of hers.
After considering it for a few minutes she decided to stay and see if Clicky would dream again this night. Hopefully it would be something that could grant her insight into how a modern pervert's libido functioned. Inspiration for crafting Dirt Nap's next dream.
She waited in vain.
Author's Note
Short chapter this time. Pinkie is a silly pone with no sense of shame. :pinkiehappy: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiehappy.png
Please let me know if you spot any issues.
17-03-24: Minor update for punctuation issues.

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                   5 - The Back Passage                    
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5 - The Back Passage
Sweat ran down Clickspring's forehead and dripped off his muzzle while he worked on the sluice leading to the overshot water wheel of his home. Built of strong planks of rot-resistant cedar the aqueduct leaked here and there but mostly held together well, especially considering it's age.
He stood on a small wooden bridge over the rushing water, right at the end of the sluice where it emptied onto the top of the wheel. He held a large wooden rake in his hooves and plunged it down into the water, then pulled it up along the vertical slats of a filter grate and hauled a mat of sodden leaves and twigs out of the water. Awkwardly manoeuvring the rake over the edge of the sluice, he banged it against the wooden side, knocking the mess off. As he watched it fall about ten meters to splash into the river he pushed his square glasses up onto his muzzle and pressed them firmly in place. The return enchantment would probably work if they fell off into the river but he didn't want to risk it failing or damaging the expensive lenses.
He turned back to the filter for another rakeful of dead tree. After a few more scrapes and dumps, the channel was clear and the water flowed freely. He climbed down from the bridge and hung the rake back up onto its hooks. With that chore taken care of he would have a bit more power to run the machines in his workshop. He sighed, wiped sweat off his forehead and started the short trot along the walkway that ran beside the elevated wooden channel. The wood part of the sluice ended at the top of a hill, where it turned into a stone-lined water channel which brought river water from a few kilometres upstream.
Clickspring was emphatically not looking forward to doing this task after the Running of the Leaves. He'd have to clean the whole damn thing out, from where it connected to the river all the way to the wheel.
"Mr. Cliiiickspriiing!"
He stopped, looked over the edge and saw the brown and grey bulk of Dirt Nap down below, waving one of his large hooves. He was wearing a bright yellow safety vest and a yellow hard hat.
Clickspring waved back and hollered over the rush of water, "Hey, Nap! How goes?"
"Ah'm good! Can we jaw fer a bit?" The other stallion looked around nervously and yelled up, "Private like?"
'As in not yelling at one another out in the open for anypony to hear,' thought Clickspring. He could only think of one thing that the big earth stallion would want to discuss with an old fag like himself, and that certainly should be done in private.
"I'll be right down!"
It was only a few minutes hoofing to where the sluice walkway met the hillside next to Clickspring's shop, then a slithering trot down the steep grassy slope to meet Nap. Clickspring felt weirdly unsettled and nervous and wondered if this was how fathers felt when that had 'that talk' with their sons. He pointed to the stone mill building and said, "We can go inside if you want. It's about time for lunch anyway."
Dirt nap nodded. "Sounds good. Ah bought mah lunch. Ah gotta eat quick and git back to work, but ah needed to talk to you."
"Ok."
Clickspring led the way to a side door on the mill, which let them directly into the kitchen. While he busied himself with getting the heavy iron kettle filled and onto the stove, Dirt Nap set his yellow helmet down on the table and got a paper wrapped sandwich and a steel vacuum flask out of pockets on his safety vest.
Dirt Nap settled himself on one of the too-small wooden chairs and said, "Mighty nice place you got here. Must be, whut, two, three hun'erd year old?"
"Something like that, yeah," Clickspring said while poking around inside of his water-cooled refrigerator looking for something he felt like eating. "So, what did you need to talk to me about?"
The earth pony chewed on his gruyère cheese and alfalfa sprouts sandwich for a few minutes then drank some coffee from his vacuum flask. Clickspring set a bowl of berries and yoghurt onto the table for his own lunch.
When Dirt Nap finally spoke it was like the words were being dragged out of him. "Ah... Ah was wonderin'… H-how did you know? About. Y'know… Yer likin' stallions?"
Standing near the stove waiting for the kettle Clickspring said, "My sire asked me the same thing when I came out to him. Actually, he first asked me if I'd already had sex with another stallion." He chuckled and shook his head. "Pretty bucking rude really. But I hadn't, so I guess it was a fair question."
He glanced over at Dirt Nap who looked as nervous as a big earth pony munching on a cheekful of sandwich could. He was ruggedly handsome, well muscled, young and he smelled of sweat, earth and smoke. Clickspring's magically over-stimulated libido flashed his mind with a brief fantasy of being underneath Dirt Nap, getting his rump thoroughly ploughed.
Grunting in annoyance he shook his head and tried to get his thoughts back under control.
"Erm… Well, I guess I'd always known I wasn't like the other colts but it took me a long time to figure out why. I liked the things that colts are supposed to like; mucking around in the creek, superpony comics, helping my sire build stuff around the house. But I also like things fillies are supposed to like; playing with dolls, looking pretty, cooking." He shrugged and said, "I had sex fantasies with mares and stallions in them, but I didn't know what bisexuality was. I thought I had to be either straight or gay and since I didn't want to have foals, 'gay' seemed to fit."
Dirt Nap nodded and slurped down some more coffee.
The kettle's whistle started to shriek so Clickspring carefully grasped its wooden handles in his hooves and filled a mug, then threw in a tea bag. He casually asked, "Do you like stallions?"
Dirt Nap choked on his sandwich, coughed and gurgled while Clickspring stared and hoped he wouldn't need to have his back pounded or an abdominal thrust. That would involve way too much touching and the Curse would probably kill him… or at least make him wish it had killed him.
Grabbing his coffee flask Dirt Nap gulped down a swallow while his eyes watered. Seeing that he was going to be ok, Clickspring finished making his tea and sat down at the table.
"Ah, ah don't rightly know." Dirt Nap gasped and pounded his chest with one hoof.
Clickspring shoved his muzzle down into his bowl and slurped up a mouthful of berries and deliciously sour rotten milk.
Dirt Nap took another bite out of his, by Clickspring's standards, gigantic sandwich. After chewing enthusiastically he swallowed and said, "Ah just cain't see mahself with a mare, raisin' foals. Jus' feels wrong somehow."
"You ever fantasise about stallions though? Think about them when jerking off?"
"N-no. Uh, but ah've had dreams sometimes where ah, uh…"
Clickspring licked yoghurt off of his muzzle and grinned, "Give yourself a blowjob?"
Dirt Nap grunted and nodded while munching on another mouthful of bread, cheese and sprouts.
"Oh, everypony with a cock has that dream. Some mares as well I'd wager. I used to know a pegasus who could reach; gave us a demonstration at a party this one time."
Clickspring chuckled and shook his head at the memory, then said, "No, having that dream doesn't mean that you're gay. Any gayer than any other stallion anyway. You've never daydreamed about a stallion you know?"
Shaking his head Dirt Nap said, "Nope, though, ah kinda… Well, it's a mite gross."
"Nap, I don't think it could possibly be any grosser than the things we've talked about at the sessions. Especially Pinkie Pie, the Element of Splatter."
"Bwah ha ha haaa!" Crumbs sprayed out of Dirt Nap's mouth and scattered across the table, making Clickspring wince as a few landed in his bowl.
After a moment Dirt Nap settled down and said, "It's just, ah really like the smell, in the changin' room at work." Dirt Nap's ears flattened and he scowled. "Ah'm a colt cuddler, ain't ah?"
Clickspring sighed and pushed his half-eaten lunch to one side and said, "Maybe. But that doesn't seem like much to go on to me. I kind of like how Pinkie smells of sweet baked goods, but that doesn't mean I want to date her. If you're asking for my opinion, and I think you are, you shouldn't be in a rush to pick a label for yourself. You might be gay, you might be bi, or might be something else that doesn't have a convenient label and lifestyle."
Dirt Nap exhaled shakily and said, "Well that ain't no help, Clicky. Ah gotta figure this out, afore, y'know, the Festival."
Clickspring nodded and grimaced. The Running of the Leaves was only a fortnight away and the earth pony Festival happened a day or two after that. Once most of the harvesting was taken care of the earth ponies would have their evening of planting a fresh crop of foals out in one of the fields.
Thinking about the big, open-air Festival, Clickspring suddenly had a flash of inspiration: There was another party Dirt Nap could go to that might make for a good preview. "You know… Maybe if you see a bit more of what queer ponies are like it'll help you figure yourself out." Clickspring sipped some tea and said, "I could take you to The Back Passage."
"The whut now?"
"It's a social club for queer ponies. There's music, dancing, a bar and usually some live sex shows. So you could see in pony what it's all about. See if it pushes your buttons, or not. It only happens once a week though; Saturday night if you want to go."
Clickspring felt his patience wearing a bit thin as Dirt Nap gave him that shocked stupid expression yet again. While he didn't believe in the stereotype that earth ponies were moronic clodhoppers, Dirt Nap wasn't making it easy to stick to that conviction.
"Ummm… Ah'd better get going." Dirt Nap snatched up and crumpled his sandwich wrapper and stuffed it into a pocket on his vest. As he was putting the cap back on his half full vacuum flask he said, "Thanks, fer talkin' with me about this, Clicky. Ah'll think about it, an about going to that club."
Clickspring nodded and said, "Can't say fairer than that. Have a good afternoon, Nap."
Dirt Nap plopped his safety hat on his head, opened the kitchen door and said, "See yuh." He closed the door and galloped off.
Clickspring gulped the remaining mouthful of tea, swished it around, swallowed and hoped he hadn't just confused the poor stallion even more. Dropping his mug and bowl into the sink he left the kitchen and went into his workshop. He was nose deep in a metal lathe, applying grease when he suddenly yelled, "Celestia's tits!"
There was no way he could waltz into a sex club without setting off the Curse. It had been bad enough just sitting in the kitchen with a stallion buffet on the other side of the table. He sat back on the floor, groaning and rubbing a slightly greasy hoof through his mane. "Oh, bollocks… I'm horned. Well, maybe he won't even want to go."
"S-so this tavern we're venturing to is called what, again?"
Noctilucent had to trot to keep up with Dirt Nap's long strides. Even if she'd been au naturel her teenaged alicorn body would have had to stretch her legs to keep up with the earth pony.
"'The Back Door', ah think. Sounds kinda om'nous, t'me." Dirt Nap's dock clenched down tight against his pucker as he worried.
She could smell the big work pony's nervous sweat and she sympathised, as she was fretting about what would happen as well. From the way Nap had described the place it sounded to be a den of perversion in the heart of sleepy Ponyville. She wasn't at all certain that she wanted to walk into a tavern swarming with aroused perverts. But it was too good an opportunity to miss; a chance to see firsthoof how Dirt Nap would react and if it would help or hinder his progress. It may help her to craft more useful dreams for him and for any other perverts she might need to guide in the future.
Clicky would be there too, with his own issues to deal with. Seeing how he reacted in such a sexually charged environment may also be helpful, though hopefully not as painful as the last time she'd witnessed him dealing with the Curse.
Ponyville was fairly quiet this evening as most ponies had already enjoyed a week's-ending debauch on Friday night and were now relaxing in their homes after a traditionally big Saturday night dinner. The few ponies that were out and about were dressed in light sweaters and jackets to ward off the early fall coolness in the air. Dirt Nap was naked and didn't seem to mind the cool air, but Noctilucent was wearing a dark grey 'hoodie' made from lightweight cotton and was regretting not wearing a skirt or leggings.
Arriving at the front door of Clickspring's mill and seeing that the sign was flipped over to 'Closed', Noctilucent pulled a handle on a chain outside which set off the chime. The music box was still playing a hoofful of seconds later when Clickspring opened the door and stepped outside to join them.
"Whut the pits are you wearin', Clicky?" Dirt Nap stared at the pale yellow unicorn who was wearing what looked like a large skirt.
"Ah, hah, hah, hah! You like it?" Laughing nervously, Clickspring turned around in place to show off the long dress which hung loosely almost to the ground, made of thick folds of bright orangey red fabric with a grid of light and dark green lines woven into it. To anypony with remotely artistic sensibilities, it was an eye-watering, awful colour combination. It was held up by a beige fabric belt tied around his waist.
He said, "It's a kilt."
"Tis a féileadh-mór," said Noctilucent. It had been many, many years since she'd last seen a stallion dressed in the traditional garb of the Shetlands. Not even counting the thousand year time-out.
Dirt Nap looked more puzzled than ever, "'Failure mode'? Y'got that raight."
Clickspring snorted in annoyance and said, "Let's just call it a 'kilt', ok? Come on, it's not far." He flounced off towards Founders Street, nose held snootily high in the air.
The only businesses still open at this hour were the Café Palomino, a late night diner, and Ponyville's two taverns. Noctilucent assumed they would be going to one of them but Clickspring led them down an alleyway between a grocers and a home furnishings store, both closed and dark for the night. Behind the furniture store, he led them down a staircase that ran along the side of the building, to a door built into the basement wall. As she walked down the stairs Noctilucent could hear a muffled drum beat coming from inside, which became much louder as Clickspring pushed the door open and ushered them inside.
They entered a small a reception area with enough room for a few ponies to stand together as long as they rubbed shoulders. The walls and ceiling were painted a matte black and were covered in layers of colourful posters and printed leaflets, advertising everything from concerts to massage services to 'lonely pony seeks'. Opposite the door was a coat check with a very bored unicorn mare sitting behind the counter. She was completely black with a spiky mane, heavily applied pale grey makeup and one of the spirals of her horn was painted grey. She looked them over with disinterest and blew a bubble with the gum she was chewing.
Clicky gestured down a narrow set of metal stairs leading even further underground and raising his voice over the thumping music he said, "Just a bit further. Follow me, and brace yourself."
As they clattered down the steel stairs in single file the music grew even louder, throbbing through their insides. The air was warm and humid and there was an unmistakable funk of sweating ponies. At the bottom of the stairs they each had to pay two bits to another staff member, likely also the club's bouncer by how big the muscular, white pegasus was. Pushing through a set of swinging doors they entered the full, blaring blast of the club.
It was a large room, two stories high and painted in the same dingy, matte black as the entrance. Flashing fairy lights festooned the walls and floated overhead, drifting around long draperies of multi-coloured, shimmering cloth. On one side of the room was a stage where stacks of black boxes covered in blinking lights surrounded a pair of ponies, performing some strange ritual upon the boxes. Noctilucent realised that the spell they were casting was responsible for the noise that crashed into her like a physical blow, making her insides vibrate to the heavy bass beat.
The middle of the room was a dance floor packed with ponies bouncing, jumping and swaying as they danced to the painfully loud music. Several pegasi and a unicorn hovered above the crowd, performing aerial dance moves. On the other side of the room was a long bar with ponies crowded up against it and clustering around small round tables; drinking, chatting and pony watching.
Noctilucent looked around with her ears flat to her skull and wondered how there could possibly be so many perverts living in a sleepy little farming village. The room was very warm and humid, so she slipped her horn through the hole in her hoodie's hood and flipped it back to drape over her withers.
Dirt Nap just stood with his mouth open, ears flat and eyes wide, looking completely stunned yet again. Noctilucent playfully reached over with a hoof and pushed up against his chin to close his mouth.
Waving his hooves at them to attract their attention, Clickspring leant in close so he could yell at them over the music. "We should go hit the bar! There's a two drink minimum but it's on the honour system so don't feel like you have to if you don't want to." He paused to catch his breath and yelled, "That goes for everything here. Just say 'no thanks' if you're not interested and nopony will be offended. Ok?"
Noctilucent and Dirt Nap nodded mutely and followed him towards the bar. Gazing at his kilt concealed rump, Noctilucent sighed and thought it was a shame he had covered his most appealing feature. At least she could see his leonine tail hanging out through a pocket in the folds of fabric. She liked a nice piece of tail.
A white unicorn stallion noticed Clickspring approaching the bar and quickly wove his way through the crowd with as much grace and poise as a ballerina. "Heeey! Clicky! Didn't expect to see you here!"
Clickspring grimaced at the younger unicorn hugged him. He yelled into his friend's ear, "Hey, Frosty! Didn't expect to find me here either." They separated and Frostbite grinned at Clickspring who struggled to smile back. Noctilucent was a little surprised that he had not collapsed onto the floor and realised why he had chosen to wear a féileadh-mór.
"Let me introduce you to the reasons you find me in this den of sin again!" Clickspring waved his companions over and yelled, "Noctilucent! Dirt Nap! This is my friend, Frostbite!"
Frostbite politely touched hooves with each of them and draped a foreleg over Clickspring's withers. He was a tall, white pony with a white mane which was swept up in a wave and he had a fine set of muscles under his shiny coat. He wore a sleeveless pink mesh shirt and had glittering silver piercings in both of his ears and one through the right side of his lower lip.
Noctilucent knew his type: Gorgeous and well aware of his effect on everypony around him. Hopefully he wasn't a stuck up prig like her nephew.
"Pleased to meet you!" he yelled over the thumping music, "Any friend of Clicky's, eh! First time coming here?"
Noctilucent just nodded because the spell which turned her voice into a whisper would be inaudible and she did not want to break out the Royal Voice.
"Yup! Uh, it always this dern loud?" Dirt Nap didn't have to yell so much as just talk loudly thanks to his big, barrel-chested voice.
Frostbite laughed as Clickspring squirmed out from under his leg and headed over to the bar. "Yeah, pretty much! Hang on a sec!" His horn glowed white for a moment and the music's volume in a small sphere around them was quickly turned down. "Better?"
Dirt Nap and Noctilucent both nodded and she sighed and yelled, "M-much better! Th-thank th… you!"
"Woah. I can still barely hear you."
His horn glowed brighter and the music and sound of the crowd almost completely disappeared. "So, what brings you two here, eh? I've seen you 'round town, didn't suspect either of you were queer though."
"Well, ah'm just kinda curious, ah guess. Ain't never been anyplace like this before." Dirt Nap looked down and scuffed a hoof on the floor and said, "It's… nice." He startled as a beer bottle floated in front of his face, wobbling a bit and held in Clickspring's unstable, yellow glowing magic. Grasping it from the air with his fetlock, he smiled and saluted Clickspring with the bottle.
Noctilucent smiled at Frostbite and said, "We, ah… I'm Dirt Nap and Clickspring's therapist, here in a p-professional capacity. I'm not, ah, q-queer?" She had not heard that term for it before.
Frostbite's eyebrows went up in surprise and he said, "So, neither of you are queer, eh?" He pursed his lips and blew a low whistle. "You're both in for an interesting evening then. Especially you Miss ah…"
"Noctilucent."
"You're going to break a lot of filly's hearts tonight, Noctilucent."
Although she had anticipated she might need to fend off a flirty mare or two, hearing Frostbite confirming it made Noctilucent feel queasy. She sat down and pouted, suddenly very much wanting to be somewhere else.
A moment later a glass of red wine held in Clickspring's yellow tinted magic wobbled over, stopping in front of her. Grateful for the distraction she snagged it in her own magic and quickly gulped a generous mouthful. One of her eyes twitched as the sourness made her mouth pucker, it was certainly not the best wine she had ever sampled but hopefully it would revive her flagging spirits.
Clickspring hobbled over on three legs, carrying a tumbler of something transparent and fizzy in the crook of his fetlock. He avoided getting too close to Frostbite, likely not wanting to risk his friend's physical affection again and sat down on the floor next to Noctilucent.
"So, what do you think so far?" Clickspring asked.
"I-it's very loud." Noctilucent shivered as the gulp of sour wine crashed into her stomach.
Dirt Nap nodded and said, "Ah kinda like it. Ah like the music an everypony dancin' an havin' a good time." The stallion's big nostrils flared, drinking in the mingled sweaty odour of dozens of ponies crowded together into one big herd.
Frostbite said, "You should get out on the dance floor. Do a lil bump and grind, work up a sweat."
He did a little dance and sway where he stood. "In fact, that's exactly what I need to do right now. Hope to see you all later, eh." The white unicorn's horn dimmed and he pranced off and was swallowed up by the crowd of dancers. The sphere of quietness died and the loud music and stomping of hooves thundered back into their ears.
Dirt Nap plopped his empty bottle down on one of the tables, belched loudly and said, "Reckon ah'm gonna get some'a that too! Y'all gonna join us?"
Clickspring shook his head and yelled, "No, thanks! I'll wait for you here!" He turned to Noctilucent and she shook her head since she could no longer speak over the gut-churning noise.
Shuffling over to the edge of the dance floor the big earth pony began awkwardly moving his limbs around and looking at ponies around him to figure out how to dance to the music. Noctilucent noted that he seemed to have lost his fear of mares as there were many of them on the dance floor, and she wasn't certain of the reason for the change. The music? Herd acceptance? Perhaps the beer? Not likely, since he had only just drunk it and he was also quite a large pony, a single beer shouldn't have given him Baachus' Courage. She idly wondered if anyone still worshipped that sheepish god.
As she and Clickspring watched the bouncing, flailing crowd slowly absorb Dirt Nap the music segued into another song. Clickspring smiled and began bobbing his head in time to the beat, he put his tumbler down on the floor and began weaving his body from side to side and waving his forelegs around in the air, doing a little dance where he sat.
He noticed Noctilucent watching him and leant over and yelled, "This is an old fave of mine!"
She couldn't say anything back so she just nodded and took another sip of the terrible tasting wine.
"Come on, let's grab a quiet spot so we can talk!" Clickspring pointed to an empty table by the side of the bar, one of a cluster set back a ways from the dance floor. As they approached the table the music and noise of the crowd quickly died down and Noctilucent realised the tables must be enchanted with a permanent version of the sound dampening spell.
Clickspring hopped up onto one of the stools that clustered randomly around the tall table and his hooves dangled a few centimetres off of the floor. He pushed his tumbler onto the table and began moving the empty bottles and glasses on the table out of the way while Noctilucent hopped up onto the stool next to his. Her nearly empty glass settled onto the table and she performed a seated wiggle dance, hooves held up in the air as she pulled her hoodie up over her head. She draped it over one of the empty stools and used her magic to roughly comb her long mane back into order.
Noctilucent caught a glimpse of Dirt Nap out on the dance floor, standing up on his hind legs and waving his hooves in the air along with dozens of other ponies. She felt relieved, seeing him enjoying himself for a change instead of huddled in a miserable pile of pony anxiety.
Clickspring rubbed a hoof on a glowing white sphere that was half embedded in the table and the music died away almost completely. He took a drink and exhaled a long shaky breath.
Noctilucent asked, "Y-you are not comfortable here either?"
Clickspring nodded and replied, "I don't like crowded places like this. Too many ponies and too many voices. It makes me feel like I'm drowning."
"I am also f-finding it a bit oppressive." She was overheating and wished she could fan herself with the wings that were bound tightly to her barrel. The insulation provided by the layer of feathers was not helping. She could cast a cooling spell upon herself, but with nowhere to direct the heat everypony around her would be soaking it up.
Clickspring said, "I'm a bit surprised that you came along. I thought it would be just Nap and me. Did he talk you into coming for moral support?"
She chuckled and picked up her glass and swirled the remains of the red wine around. "Oh, n-no. Nap would never come and talk to me about something like this, I'm a t-terrifying mare remember? H-he did drop by the clinic last evening and had a long meeting with Dr. Cake about your offer. I was asked to tag along i-in case Nap needed support and to see how he reacts to…" She waved a hoof at the room. "To all of this."
"Also Dr. Cake is not, um, queer and the thought of coming here made him uncomfortable." She drank down the dregs of her wine and said, "So he asked me if I would take on the task in his stead. T-though I must admit that I was also curious to visit this place."
Clickspring chuckled and said, "Not thinking of switching teams are you?"
"'T-teams?'"
"Never mind. Just a stupid joke." Clickspring finished his drink, nodded at her empty glass and said, "Do you want another?"
"Nae, uh… No, thank you." She made a sour face and said, "While I do prefer reds, this was not a p-particularly good one."
They sat quietly for a while and pony watched the crowd on the dance floor. Noctilucent was feeling much calmer and she sat with her eyes half closed, the heat and alcohol were making her feel a little drowsy. She caught sight of Clickspring's friend over top of the other dancers, he was being carried around on somepony's shoulders and was wearing a bright yellow rope made out of feathers around his neck. Very strange.
Clickspring shifted on his stool, trying to stealthily adjust his male parts under his kilt.
Noctilucent leant over and said, "A-are you in pain?"
"Oh! No… uh, well, a bit, yeah."
She noticed that he was leaning away from her and looked a bit frightened. Likely fearful that she was going to flirt with him again, poor fellow. She sat back up in her chair and blew through her lips, making them vibrate and produce a wet flapping sound. Nothing sexy about that, surely?
"W-where is the garderobe?"
Clickspring blinked, looked at her and asked, "The what?"
'Fek.' she thought. "I-I mean, the washroom."
He gestured with a hoof and said, "It's over on the other side of the bar."
She nodded her thanks, hopped off of the stool and trotted off, her ears folding flat as she left the bubble of quiet.
Making her way through the press of warm pony bodies, Noctilucent hoped she could quickly locate an unoccupied stall and cast that cooling spell on herself. She was going to melt if she didn't do something soon! She couldn't help thinking about what Clicky's friend had said, that she shouldn't be surprised about being approached by other mares. Maybe she should have worn that skirt for simple modesty as well.
A round, bright yellow shape suddenly appeared in front of her and for a moment Noctilucent thought of her sister's celestial orb, before crashing into the backside of a pony who had just dropped out of the air in front of her.
"Woah! Heeeey!"
Noctilucent stepped backwards and shook her head while the bright yellow pegasus mare with a long flame orange mane that she had run into flapped her wings about to regain her balance. She turned on Noctilucent and yelled, "Get in line sweetheart! Uh… Scratch that, you can go right to the front of the line, gorgeous!"
Struggling to stay in character and not belt the clumsy oaf square betwixt her lustful eyes, Noctilucent squeaked, "E-excuse me!" She darted past and rushed to the washroom door, her anger and embarrassment at the encounter making the already unbearable heat of the club feel like being plunged into a furnace.
A trio of mares standing by the washroom sinks gave her curious looks as she barged in and galloped to the stalls, one of which was fortunately not occupied. Banging the door shut behind her and locking it with her magic, she closed her eyes and quickly cast the cooling cantrip on herself. She focused the output of heat onto the water pool in the toilet and soon the water began to bubble. Pausing the spell Noctilucent stepped on the flush pedal, waited for the rectangular bowl set into the floor to refill and then restarted the spell. After two more flushes, she was feeling nicely cooled down and made use of the facilities for their intended purpose.
As she exited the washroom she looked around nervously for the amorous mare she'd bumped into, but there was no sign of her. Stopping at the bar she read the wine list embedded in the bar's surface. She recognised the name of an Fancy winery which had been famous back in the day and ordered a glass of their merlot. Clickspring had been drinking something that smelt of ginger and there was only one ginger flavoured drink on the menu, so she ordered him a ginger ale, which sounded disgusting, and also a tumbler of ice chips. After a quick flash of magic to conjure enough bits to pay from her hoodie's pocket, she watched as the earth pony barkeep waved a wand over the coins. She felt a very focused dispel being cast on them before payment was accepted.
While she waited for her order she noticed that the earth pony mare sitting on a stool next to her was staring at her. She was a lurid crimson with a white mane that was cropped very short, and she was really staring hard at the side of Noctilucent's head, as if she were trying to hypnotise or intimidate her ear. Luna would have sentenced this impertinent churl to several days in the dungeons beneath the Castle of the Two Sisters for such impertinence. Noctilucent had to be satisfied with leaning away and trying to ignore her unwanted attention.
"Ham Hocks, when are you gonna learn that 'sexy glower' of yours just puts ponies off?" It was the yellow and orange pegasus again, bellying up to the bar between Noctilucent and this Ham Hocks character.
Ham Hocks grunted, jumped off of her stool and sauntered away into the crowd. "Filly wasn't bitin' none, anyhow!"
The pegasus yelled after her, "Yeah! Imagine that!" She chortled and then turned back to the bar and placed an order for a half-dozen beers before turning to Noctilucent who was still waiting for her order to arrive.
"Hey, just wanted to say I'm sorry for earlier. Didn't mean to freak you out like that, just kinda got carried away."
Small, glowing spell spheres ran along the length of the bar creating an oasis of quiet, mostly so that the bar staff could actually hear ponies orders. Noctilucent still had to 'yell' for her whispery voice to carry at all. "O-ok! We, ah… I apologise for running into you!"
"I'm called Blaze, please to meet you." She held out a hoof to Noctilucent, who politely tapped it with the tips of her cloven hoof.
"N-noctilucent! I'm Noctilucent! Th-thank you for, ah, I guess rescuing me from..." She made a vague gesture in the direction that Ham Hocks had gone.
Blaze grinned and said, "Hey, damsels in distress are a speciality for me." She waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"Oh! I, I'm not, ah…!"
"Yeah, I figured that out already. Saw you sitting at a table with your special somepony. S'cool though, not like it's required or anything."
"H-h-he's n-not my...! He's j-just a friend!"
Noctilucent's drinks finally arrived and she worried for a moment that she hadn't purchased something for Dirt Nap. But then she hadn't seen him since he took off onto the dance floor, hopefully he was well and learning something useful. She gathered up the three glasses in her magic, smiled at Blaze and yelled, "Farewell!"
Blaze saluted, touching her forehead with the leading edge of a folded wing. "Ciao, Noctilucent. Nice meeting you."
Walking back to the table she watched the dancers who were still manically leaping, jumping, bumping and grinding to the heavy beat of the music. She was getting used to it, enjoying it a little, even. The overbearing compulsion of the bass had her prancing a little as she made her way back to the table. She saw no sign of Dirt Nap but earth pony stamina was legendary so she imagined he was still out there somewhere in the sea of sweaty ponies.
Clickspring was fanning himself with a leaflet he'd scrounged up from someplace. He looked very bored and waved as she approached.
"Welcome back. I was beginning to worry that you'd fallen in or some beautiful mare had swept you off of your hooves."
Noctilucent chuckled as she set the drinks and tumbler down on the table. "O-one very nearly did."
Clickspring laughed and picked up the glass in the crook of a foreleg, gulped down half of it and said, "Thanks for the ginger ale."
"Y-you are welcome, but ginger infused ale sounds most disgusting."
Clickspring gave her an odd look with one eyebrow raised and said, "It's not actually beer."
"No? That explains why it lacks the smell of spirit, but w-why call it 'ale' then?"
"I don't know. Maybe because it's yellow and fizzy?"
She nodded at the glass of ice and said, "I brought some ice if you wish to cast a cooling spell upon th… yourself." She cast the simple transference cantrip on herself again and used the ice as the output for the spell. The ice clinked and shifted as it began to slowly melt.
Clickspring continued fanning himself.
"H-have you seen Nap at all?" She hoped they wouldn't be here for too much longer and she wanted to have a quick word with him.
"I saw him doing shots with Frostbite and a few other ponies, then they all headed off into the back passage."
Noctilucent looked puzzled and asked, "B-but are we not already in The Back Passage?"
Clickspring pointed with a hoof at an open doorway in the wall opposite the staircase going up to the club's entrance. "That's the back passage in The Back Passage. It goes to the basement of the building next door and it's like Festival every Saturday night in there. Inter-tribal Festival, so anypony can go in."
"Oh! S-so right now Dirt Nap is…"
Clickspring nodded and said, "Getting an eyeful and maybe losing his virginity I guess, though whether he decides to go for it or not…" He shrugged and switched the pamphlet to his other hoof and went back to fanning himself.
Noctilucent sipped at her much nicer wine, sighed and said, "I w-wish I'd known he was going into such a place. And this doing 'shots'? Drinking I take it?"
Clickspring nodded and lifted his tumbler to take a drink.
"I'm not certain that is considered legal for his age."
Clickspring choked, almost spilt his drink and gasped, "Road apples! We've got to get him out of here!"
He plonked his drink and leaflet fan onto the table and leapt down off of his stool but before he could gallop off he was yanked to a stop by Noctilucent's magic gripping his tail. He stared back at her with big, surprised eyes.
"There is an a-allowance in the law for tribal Festivals. The earth pony Festival is less than a month hen… away, s-so Dirt Nap is adult e-enough to be here. Dr. Cake and I did discuss this before he agreed to this f-field trip. You need not g-gallop to his rescue unless you're feeling heroic."
Clickspring's mouth formed a round 'o' as her words sank in, and it made Noctilucent giggle, or perhaps that was the wine's doing. But then he snorted and shook his head. "No, that doesn't matter. He's been drinking and I need to know he's not doing something he'll regret."
Noctilucent sighed and hopped down from her stool. "V-very well, but I shall go. Th… you are in no fit state to go p-poking your snoot into a baacchanalia, I fear that your leg fruit would burst!"
"Leg fruit?"
"Balls, culs, colt apples, bollocks, acorns…"
"Okay, okay!" he yelped, making shushing motions with his hooves at her. "I'll be alright, just not real happy. Besides, there are studs only rooms in the back passage that mares aren't supposed to go into."
Noctilucent gulped down what was left of her wine, let go of Clickspring's tail and said, "I am coming with th… with you. Let's have this done already."
Clickspring sighed in a resigned manner and trotted off with Noctilucent on his heels. She was not eager to visit this passage of perverse sex, it sounded far too much like the revels that cousin Erotas used to throw. While she had never attended one of those sordid affairs, the rumours had been enough to make her feel ill.
Progress to the back passage's entrance was slow, as Clickspring needed to dodge and weave around the ponies that mingled by the bar. Blaze waved to her as they passed, and Noctilucent smiled and waved back. As she followed Clickspring down the dimly lit 'back passage' corridor the loudness of the music died away behind them and the air became redolent with sex. Noctilucent felt her upper lip curling in an instinctive response to the heady mix and she struggled to keep her tail held down over her moistening muff.
Clickspring abruptly jumped sideways and flattened himself against the wall as a big pony bore down on them in the dark hallway.
"Comin' through! Oh, hey there Clicky. Noctilucent." A spooked Dirt Nap trotted past them, heading for the dance floor.
Clickspring looked over his shoulder at Noctilucent. Noctilucent gazed back at Clickspring. They both snorted, shook their heads and turned to make their way back to the club.
Author's Note
Several months of careful field study in gay bars were required in order to write this chapter. :rainbowwild: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/rainbowwild.png
Erotas is a character in another story which I'm currently researching and making notes for. (Stop giving me ideas for stories, brain! Let me finish this one first! shakes an angry fist)
While Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament) has graciously given this a once over and saved you from some of my bone headed mistakes, please let me know if you spot any issues. Ta.

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     6 - Our Radiant Princess Hates Sluts and Sluttery     
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6 - Our Radiant Princess Hates Sluts and Sluttery
Clickspring checked his pocket watch, giving it a sharp shake to make the script illuminate with a bright red glow. An example of the latest in timepiece technology, it didn't show the time mechanically with hands but displayed it as written script on a slip of enchanted paper behind the crystal bezel. He tucked it away in his kilt, blinking his dry eyes and thinking longingly of his bed.
It was 2:47 A.M. and Ponyville was almost completely still and silent. One bar remained open, far down at the other end of Founders Street from where Clickspring and Noctilucent were slowly clip-clopping along the cobblestone street. They were heading north together, toward the hospital and watermill.
Clickspring was tired, sore and way too warm still. He'd wanted to leave once they were sure that Dirt Nap was alright, but nature had called and he'd had to visit the little colt's room. There was a hole in the wall between the two stalls at the back, which was the source for the thick reek of horned up stallion and cum that smacked him in the muzzle when he entered. The resulting instant erection made using one of the urinals tricky, especially while wearing a kilt and trying to conceal his arousal from any curious eyes.
When he emerged he found Noctilucent at the bar, drinking another glass of red wine while she waited for him.
She told him that Dirt Nap had decided to stay and had gone off onto the dance floor again. He hadn't said much about his trip down the back passage but he seemed no worse for wear. She left instructions with the bar staff not to serve him any more alcohol and then had followed Clickspring out into the night.
The wonderfully cool, quiet, and dark night.
He kept a good distance away from Noctilucent as they walked down the street because she was weaving a little and he had to be careful that she didn't bump into him. Clickspring's balls were already sore from spending such a long time in a place that reeked of sweat and sex; getting touched by anypony would be excruciating. Didn't matter that he'd spent an hour before going to the club making certain that his tanks were empty. It helped but certainly didn't fix the problem.
Clickspring sighed and thought, 'Pinkie might be onto something: Maybe gelding isn't so bad?'
Noctilucent was humming to herself and every so often she quietly sang a few words. Something about griffons and it raining blood from the sky. Clickspring thought that it sounded pretty damn grim for such a cheerful melody.
"Buck it! I'm fed up with this damn kilt."
Clickspring stopped and looked down between his legs to undo the buckle of his belt and with a wiggle, he slid the kilt over his rump and let the hot, itchy fabric fall to the ground.
Noctilucent had stopped and asked, "W… I n-noticed that you did not accept mine offering of ice with which to cool thyself and I w-wonder why that may be?"
Clickspring stepped out of the puddle of fabric, sliding his leonine tail out of it like a long strand of tufted spaghetti. He sighed and confessed, "Because I don't know that spell."
"No? Tis but a simple attribute transference cantrip. Y-your master was lax indeed in your training." Noctilucent sounded annoyed and it made Clickspring wince as he gathered up his kilt in his forelegs and shook it out.
"I never had a master," Clickspring said, his voice was quiet and pained. "I didn't look for one and nopony ever asked me."
He folded the kilt into an untidy bundle and held it up against his chest in one leg.
Noctilucent grunted and asked, "Th-th…" She sighed and tried again. "Your horn?"
"Uh huh. My sire taught me a little, but he moved out after the divorce, and since my dam and brothers are earth ponies…" He trailed off, not bothering to complete the sentence.
"No aunts or uncles? Grandparents?"
"All still living in the Shetlands. Eh. It's not so bad really, I know enough to run my shop and it's not like I missed out on some huge career in magic because of it."
As they resumed their walk together, Clickspring hobbling along on three legs, Noctilucent asked,   
"D-do thee wish a helping hoof with that?" He could feel her magic tugging at the bundle of fabric he was awkwardly holding.
He shook his head as he hop-walked along and said, "No, thanks. It's kinda sweaty and gross. I'll deal with it."
"Th-thou… Y-you are being foalish. I spend many hours at the hospital b-bathing the infirm and emptying bedpans. One sweaty féileadh-mór would be nae trouble to me."
With a yank she pulled the kilt out of his grasp, making him stumble.
"Hey!"
"Hush." She quickly refolded the kilt and plopped it down atop her rump.
Clickspring sighed and followed after her as she walked away. "'Stop being foalish' says the drunk mare who steals my clothing and sings lovely tunes about it raining blood."
"We shall return thy garb, do not be a boob. An tis indeed a lovely song. Do not make mock of it or we shall have words." She sounded grumpy and more than a little stuck up.
Clickspring chuckled and said, "We're already having words. Say, where is your accent from anyway? I can't place it." He swished his tail, enjoying the cool night air on his sweaty hind quarters.
Noctilucent coughed and her ears folded back. "M-m-my accent?"
"Yeah. Were you raised in a Schwesterhoof commune, or a nunnery, or maybe by an acting troupe? You know, with all the thee's and thou's that you sometimes say it kind of reminds me of Wagglespike."
Noctilucent looked puzzled, opened her mouth to say something, closed it again. After a moment she coughed and said, "Th… You have divined the truth, I was brought up in a Schwesterhoof commune. I mislike my mode of speech and I will strive harder to correct it."
Clickspring chuckled and said, "I kind of like the way you talk, it reminds me of when I was in school and we performed Wagglespike's The Merry Mares of Windsoar. I played Ancient Pistol."
He cleared his throat and in a grand style he declared, "Ummm… Clover, to Windsoar chimneys shalt thou leap: Where fires thou find'st unraked and something-something, Ummm.... There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry: Our radiant princess hates sluts and sluttery."
Noctilucent burst out in surprised laughter and after walking a few more wobbly steps she sat down in the middle of the street. She smacked one of her forehooves against the cobblestones as she laughed, while Clickspring stood staring at her and wondered if she was laughing at the lines or his amateur delivery.
After a few minutes, she settled down and said, "Aye, tis barest truth that my… that Princess Celestia doeth nae care for loose mares." She made a rather Pinkie Pie-like giggle-snort.
Clickspring chuckled and said, "Yeah? I've heard she's kind of uptight."
Noctilucent snickered and stood up, wobbled a little and the pair resumed their slow, early morning walk home. They turned off of the cobbled street to take a crushed gravel road that ran along the northern edge of town and the clip-clopping of hooves against cobblestones turned into a quiet crunching.
The gravel crunching under Noctilucent's hooves reminded her of walking through snow; it wouldn't be much longer before winter and she was looking forward to it. Many nights would have crystal clear skies and her stars would be especially beautiful. Arranging a meteor shower during Hearth's Warming might be entertaining; she would discuss the matter with her dear, slut-hating sister.
Noctilucent giggled and decided to look up this Wagglespike fellow's plays the next time she visited Mistress Twilight. Hopefully, there were a few witticisms about her own self.
"Well, this is my stop."
Blinking as she was pulled out of her tipsy thoughts she saw that they had indeed arrived at Clickspring's watermill. She levitated his kilt off of her backside and into his waiting hooves.
"S-see, I am true to my word and no thief."
Clickspring bundled the mass of itchy fabric under one foreleg again. "Verily I shall never accuse thee of such ill intent ever again, my lady."
"Good! A-and, thank you for a l-lovely evening, Clicky. It was most... Interesting."
"You're welcome. I had a good time too, mostly, and I'm sure Dirt Nap still is. Wonder what time he's going to drag himself home?"
Clickspring unlocked the door to his shop and waved as he went inside. "G'nite."
Noctilucent waved back, then turned and walked off towards the hospital. She stopped off in a small forest to spend a few precious minutes as Luna, stretching and preening her wings.
While she couldn't see the Moon because of the trees, she could feel the channel which connected her to its power. It was a little wider than when she had first returned to Equestria, but still a mere trickle of what it should be. Focusing her will she shaped what moonlight she had gathered into a slim cylinder, rounded on one end, and thrust it up into the channel. If anypony were around to observe it they would have seen a softly glowing dildo-like cylinder of light rising up from Luna's forehead. The channel stretched around the light causing Luna to feel a slightly painful sensation, as the channel was a much a part of her as it was a part of the Moon.
With a grunt, Luna pressed as hard as she could against the stretchy channel, widening it out to its full diameter where it connected to her. There was a tearing sensation which made her gasp in pain and she immediately withdrew the glowing dildo from the distended end of the channel. It collapsed like a rubber hose but was slightly larger in diameter than it had been. The stretching would slowly make its way up the long channel until it reached the Moon and she would have a little more power to work with.
When she finally dragged herself into the dorm room the other nurses were already asleep. The air vibrated with Pressor's thunderous snores, but Noctilucent was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.
It was the screams that caught Clickspring's attention. He had been busy in his workshop, turning a square broach on the lathe, when the screaming from out in front of the watermill started. A bit of screaming from Ponyville was nothing out of the ordinary, but when it continued and was taken up by several other voices, he stepped off of the lathe's dead-pony pedal.
Flipping up the magnifying lenses on his glasses he walked through his shop and peered out the front window.
Ponies were galloping back and forth, screaming in terror while being chased by various colours of tiny flying balls. He saw a swarm of them descend on a waggon filled with sacks of grain that was abandoned in the middle of the street. There was a blur of activity, a dust cloud, the banshee wail of a buzz saw, and a moment later there was no waggon, just a pile of sacks.
Clickspring sighed and walked to the front door. He flipped the store's sign to 'Closed' and trotted back into his workshop.
"I just don't know what went wrooong!" Twilight Sparkle wailed, face down on one of the library's desks and hooves pressed over her ears.
Noctilucent reached across the desk and patted the distraught unicorn. "As we discussed, Twilight Sparkle, the fault twas not with thy improvised spell but with thy... your strategy. You should have cast the spell on a single parasprite first to observe its effect, rather than upon all of them at once."
"I panicked."
She dropped her hooves to the table and looked across at Noctilucent, who nodded.
"And failed to heed one of your fellow Element bearers. Tis… This is not uncommon, especially for an unblooded youth s-such as yourself. Be not too hard upon yourself, next time you will do better."
Twilight looked miserable as she said, "Next time?"
"There is always a 'next time'. As an Element bearer, you and your friends are amongst the most powerful defenders of Equestria. You will be called upon in times of distress and you should expect trouble to seek thee… you."
Noctilucent was in fact quite impressed with how the Element bearers had dealt with the parasprite infestation. No lives had been lost, just a hoofful of abrasions, a concussion and one broken leg that had been treated at the hospital. The citizens of Ponyville would not die of starvation as many had done in the past after parasprite infestations. A few damaged buildings, some consumed waggons and shops, these would be much easier to replace than the lives of so many little ponies.
"I highly recommend you read the writings of the quilin, Master Sunny. If Golden Oak Library does not have a copy, you may send a scroll to Our... my sister and have one sent from the Canterlot archive. They have several."
Twilight sat up and nodded, then took a deep calming breath, held it and exhaled, then inhaled again, concentrating on controlling her breathing. She looked over at Noctilucent, "You said you were looking for a book?"
Noctilucent nodded. "Aye. Do you have anything about 'Schwesterhooves'? Also, I need a list of Ponyville unicorns who are accepting apprentices."
Twilight rubbed her chin and said, "Hmmm… I think there's a chapter about Schwesterhooven culture in A Tour of Germaney, but I don't have a list like that. Cheerilee might be able to help you. She organises that kind of extracurricular education for her students."
Smiling and feeling more in her element Twilight hopped up from her chair and made for the book shelves. "I'll get that book for you."
"I'm very pleased with how well your outing to the club went, Dirt Nap." Dr. Cake smiled, "You certainly are much more relaxed now. Are you still concerned about attending the Festival?"
"Yup." Dirt Nap still felt a lot of concern about the Festival, but the trip he'd made into the back passage had helped a little. Seeing ponies snuggling, kissing and groping in the main room was a bit unsettling, but also strangely made him feel more at ease with the idea of doing it himself. Everypony was happy and relaxed, much like everypony on the dance floor had been happy and having a heck of a good time dancing.
That a relationship could be about more than a commitment to marriage and the kind of gross physical activities that went with making little ponies was a new idea to Dirt Nap. He'd avoided going anywhere near the private rooms where, judging by the sounds of grunting and moaning and the heady smell of horned up stallions and mares, exactly that kind of rutting was going on.
Dirt Nap shivered at the memory, feeling uncomfortable but not overwhelmed; he'd face that when it came time. "Ah reckon ah'll be goin'. Still ain't got no idea what ah'm gonna do when ah get there, but ah'll go."
It was the full group for this session, with everyone sitting or loafing in their usual places.
Noctilucent was jotting down notes and earlier Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy had discussed what had happened to them during the parasprite infestation. Dirt Nap was grateful that the little buggers hadn't made it to the south side of town where he'd been working that day. Trying to shut down heavy earth moving equipment while something was trying to eat it would have been very dangerous, especially if they somehow chewed open a boiler.
Dr. Cake addressed the room saying, "Just a couple more things before we break for the evening. I want to highlight what happened here, Dirt Nap seeking advice from another group member, who came up with a good idea that we were able to put into action. This is what these group sessions are for: Coming together and helping one another. So thank you, Clickspring, Noctilucent and Dirt Nap."
Pinkie Pie led everypony in a round hoof clopping applause.
"The second thing I want to bring up is that we're giving each of you a homework assignment to complete before the next session."
Pinkie's gleeful expression and mane deflated with a squeaky balloon noise. "H-homework?"
Dr. Cake coughed and said, "Now, Pinkie. I think you will enjoy your assignment and also if any of you are unable or unwilling to do their homework, that's ok as well. It's more of a suggestion of something you could do to help your situation. There are no grades and none of this will be on an exam."
Noctilucent flipped to the list of assignments on her clipboard.
"P-pinkie, your assignment is to take a day off from work at Sugarcube Corners and go to the Day Spa. You are to spend an entire day relaxing, being p-pampered and focusing on being happy while doing nothing."
Pinkie's mane popped back into curly shape. "Ooooo… I wish all my school homework had been like this."
"F-F-Fluttershy. Your assignment is to pick a pony you are attracted to and ask them to go on a date with you."
Fluttershy squeaked and stared at Noctilucent with big, fearful eyes.
Noctilucent continued, "It can be any kind of date you want; dinner, a movie, petting bunnies, whatever you want. It's also alright if they say 'no', the assignment is just to ask."
A concerned looking Pinkie Pie held up a hoof and asked, "Is it okay if I help her?"
Dr. Cake said, "No, Pinkie. Fluttershy has to do this herself, but I hope that you and her other friends will be there for her after she's completed the assignment." He turned to the scared little pegasus and said, "Remember Fluttershy, this isn't something you have to do, but I think it will help you if you can. Ok?"
"O-ok."
"Good. Who's next, Noctilucent?"
"D-Dirt Nap. Y-your assignment is to keep a…" She coughed and said, "I-is to keep a sex diary. W-write down any sexual fantasies, ideas or feelings that you have during the week. This diary is for your eyes only; don't share it with anyone, not even Dr. Cake or myself."
Dirt Nap snorted and nodded his head, "Ok, ah can do that." He'd need to pick up one of them lockable journals he'd seen a while back, as it wouldn't do for his pa to accidentally read something like that. He was already nervous enough about having to hide the Joy of Rut book that the doctor had loaned him.
"And finally, Clicky. Your assignment is to ask another unicorn to be your Master."
"What?" Clickspring yelped.
"Your assignment is to ask another unicorn to be your Master. As with Fluttershy's assignment, it is ok if they say 'no'. You just need to ask."
Clickspring groaned and said, "This is revenge… Revenge for… for something, isn't it? Haven't I been a good pony? I helped Dirt Nap and now this?"
"No, Clicky. It's just something that Noctilucent and I think will help you." Dr. Cake leant forward, pressing his fore hooves together and looking up at Clickspring from under his bushy brows. "You've told me that you often feel isolated and lonely. This will get you out of your workshop, get you talking to ponies around town and Noctilucent hopes you may find a Master."
Dirt Nap could see a sweat beading on Clickspring's brow and felt his shivering through the couch they were both sitting on. Seemed like the unicorn was just as afraid of this whole 'find a master' thing as he had been about mares and the Festival… and still was, kinda. Dirt Nap wasn't sure if there was anything he could do to help Clicky with this, but if he thought of something he'd certainly offer a helping hoof.
Dr. Cake sat back in his overstuffed chair, sighed and said, "There are two more assignments to hand out."
Noctilucent glanced down at her clipboard and looked confused.
"Noctilucent and I are both part of this group and I think it's only fair that we have homework as well. So. I'd like the four of you to come up with assignments for us, please." He smiled at his patients and looked both hopeful and nervous.
Pinkie Pie's hoof shot up into the air.
"Yes, Pinkie?"
"I have an idea for an assignment for you, Dr. Cake. You should join the Hay Burners! It's a weight loss group I'm in, and it's really, really super! Everyone's really helpful, and it really, really works! Really! I was a pretty pudgy pony packing on pounds with all the cake and candy I was eating, and now I've lost weight and I feel great! You know all that fat you have is squishing your squishy insides and making 'em sick and you could die and then everyone would be really, really sad."
Making shushing motions with his hooves Dr. Cake said, "Ok, ok. Calm down, Pinkie. You're right, I do need to lose a few pounds, as my wife and foals keep reminding me. I'll do it. So long as no one else has any other ideas to consider?"
Dirt Nap couldn't think of anything and Pinkie was right, Dr. Cake was kind of overweight. As for what homework Noctilucent might be saddled with…
Clickspring raised a hoof and said, "I have a homework idea for Noctilucent."
Dr. Cake said, "Yes?"
"I think she should make a friend here in Ponyville. Somepony she doesn't know already and not a co-worker or patient."
Dirt Nap wondered if Clicky was trying to get back at her or something because of the homework that he'd been asked to do. But he didn't have a mean look on his face or nothing, if anything he looked kind of hopeful as he smiled at the counsellor. Noctilucent, well, she did not look at all pleased though.
Noctilucent stared intensely at Clickspring through half closed eyes for a moment longer, shook her head and nodded. "V-very well."
"Good!" Dr. Cake clapped his hooves together and said, "Well, let's break for the evening then and enjoy the delicious looking food that Dirt Nap brought."
Dirt Nap was happy with how eagerly everypony dug into the snacks he'd brought. He hadn't had a clue what to do as his usual fare was pretty dern simple stuff, he and his pa were not chefs by any stretch of the imagination. But his new friend Frostbite had suggested a really good delicate-essence in town and it had worked out well.
Ponyville certainly was a much more cultural like and exciting place than the ghost town he'd been raised in, and despite the fearful Festival looming he was damn grateful to be here.
Author's Note
I tried to work a little bit of Dirt Nap's POV into this chapter.
Your homework assignment is to look for typos and other mistakes. :twilightsmile: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png
Edit: Minor updates courtesy of Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament)'s eagle eyes.

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           7 - 'So You're Looking For A Master'            
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7 - 'So You're Looking For A Master'
"Ok, class. Time to break for lunch and we'll watch a movie about dental hygiene this afternoon. Don't stray too far, now!"
Cheerilee smiled as the colts and fillies leapt up from their desks, lunch bags and boxes grasped in mouths, feathers or magic as they stampeded for the school house's door. After the shouting and laughing herd of very little ponies had left she sighed happily and began wiping the chalkboard clean of a lesson about using decimal points. She was just getting out her own lunch of broccoli soup when she heard a tapping at the still-open door.
"Ah, hello? Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The pale yellow unicorn who stood at the door looked nervously around the classroom and seeing no students he walked in. She had seen Clickspring around town once or twice and knew that he lived alone in the watermill north of town with no little one of his own to enroll in her school. But she'd never so much as spoken with him until now and had heard that he was very reclusive.
He was an odd little pony. Strangely shaped horn, queer four-lensed glasses and that shockingly ugly dress he was wearing that made her feel queasy. A very odd pony indeed.
"What can I do for you, Mr. Clickspring." She poured soup from a vacuum flask into a bowl and tore open a small package of crackers. "I hope you don't mind if I eat while we talk, I have to get ready for this afternoon's classes."
Clickspring sat on the floor a short distance from her desk and she heard his tummy rumble, announcing that it coveted her soup.
"Umm… Well, I was told you keep a list of Ponyville unicorns who are looking for an apprentice. I asked at the Town Hall and they said I should speak with you about it."
Cheerilee munched on a cracker that she had dipped into her lukewarm soup. She swallowed and said, "Oh? Do you want to add your name to the list? There are already more willing to become masters than I have students who need one, but you're certainly welcome to add your name if you're certified." She couldn't help glancing at his messed up horn and wondered if he was even capable of being a Master, let alone certified. Maybe she could add his name and quietly encourage her students to find somepony else. One had to be careful about who was allowed to influence a youngster's impressionable mind.
Clickspring rubbed a hoof through his blue mane and looked sheepish. "Hah ha hah… Actually, the thing is, I'm looking for a master. For myself, that is."
She stopped with her spoon halfway to her mouth and stared at Clickspring, after a moment she blinked and dropped her spoon back into the bowl with a wet 'plop'. Cheerilee thought about switching into Lecture Mode and giving this odd unicorn a serious talking to, about how the list she had was intended for use by her young students and how the ponies on the list would no doubt react when an adult instead of a foal came to ask them to become his Master. But she really didn't have time for what would no doubt be a long discussion, not if she hoped to get something into her empty belly and get set up for the afternoon class.
With a resigned sigh, she pulled open one the file folder drawer on her desk, reached in and pulled out a thin sheaf of stapled papers.
She held it out to Clickspring and said, "Here you go. This is the info package and forms that I give to one of my students when they're ready to look for a Master. There's some information about being an apprentice, an application form and a list of potential masters in Ponyville. You need to fill in the form and give it to whoever you ask to be your Master. If they accept, the form goes to Canterlot."
Taking it from her hoof with his magic Clickspring smiled warmly. "Thank you very much!"
He folded the papers in thirds, tucked it into the belt of his kilt and took off, seeming to be in a big hurry to get out of the school.
Cheerilee slid the drawer closed, sighed, shook her head and got back to work on her soup.
Stopping at the Café Hay for a quick lunch, Clickspring read through the 'So You're Looking For A Master' pages of the handout. He had been given a similar handout when he was a foal and it seemed that not much had changed about how the Master / Apprentice relationship worked. The only real change seemed to be that it was now more formalised and integrated with the rest of the education system. When he'd been young, decades ago, it had been a completely unsupervised part of a unicorn's life: You hit a certain age and you looked for a Master to tutor you outside of your regular classes. Now there was mandatory registration, certification of masters, a standardised course and exams. Ugh. Exams.
Having third and fourth thoughts about doing this he looked over the application form while munching his way through a pile of fried potatoes seasoned with vinegar and salt. Name, Age, Address, School…
'Guess I have to leave that one blank.'
Cutie Mark, T.C. Level…
'What in Equestria is a 'T.C. Level'?'
Then a long list of spell theory classes with blank lines where the applicant was to fill in their grade and below that some blank lines to fill in what spells they had already learned. He would have to dig up his old report cards to fill in the grades and he felt a bit ashamed by how much space had been left to fill in known spells. He'd be leaving that mostly blank. There were also a few blank lines for the applicant to say what they hoped to get out of being an apprentice.
It was a question that he didn't really have an answer for.
Rarity was tired after a long day of work, but she also felt quite pleased. The damage caused to the Carousel Boutique by those adorable and yet wretched parasprites was almost completely repaired. From adversity had come triumph, as the new range of couture she had fabricated for display purposes were even finer than the ones that had been consumed.
Thinking of eating, she realised she was absolutely famished! Perhaps tonight was a momentous enough occasion to justify splashing out a little and having dinner at Chez Françoise. While not as outstanding as some of the fabulous restaurants in Canterlot or Manehatten, at least going by what she had read about them, it was undoubtedly the finest dining establishment in Ponyville. Oui! Oui, tonight was a fine evening to enjoy Fancy cuisine. She hoped that her sister would not make too, too much of a fuss about it.
"Sweeetie Beeelle!" She trotted over to the stairs and called up to her little sister, who was staying over while their parents were out of town. "Sweetie Belle! Would you like to have dinner at Chez Françoise?"
"Do I havta eat those stinky mushroom things again?"
"No, you don't have to eat truffles this time. Just don't order the pommes boulangeres again, I'm sure there are plenty of other dishes you could try. And don't forget they have divine à la carte pastries for dessert!" Rarity did so love a delicious Fancy pastry with dessert café. "Oh! Have you finished your homework?"
"Aaalmost!"
Someone knocked on the front door to her shop and before she headed off to answer it she called up, "Come down when you've finished and we'll go."
Rarity trotted to the front of her shop hoping that it wasn't a customer who needed last-moment adjustments made. But if it was, hopefully it would not take long, because Rarity was a professional and passionate about her work and she would put off her own plans if that was what it took to satisfy a customer.
However, she would not be well pleased about it.
Peeping through the small diamond-shaped window on the door she was slightly surprised by whom she saw. The unicorn stallion who sat outside her door was not one of her customers and though she knew who he was from gossip, they had never even so much as spoken to one another before. Oh well, nothing for it but to open the door and find out what brought him to her boutique.
Rarity opened the door and with a most charming smile, she said, "Good evening, gentlepony. I'm afraid the boutique is closed at this hour but perhaps if you could come back tomorrow?" Then she spotted the THING that Clickspring had wrapped around his hindquarters and gasped, "Dear Celestia! You poor pony!" Overcome with compassion and horror she grabbed him in her magic and dragged him inside. She stuck her head out the door, looked left then right and slammed the door shut before anypony saw such a fashion crime on her own doorstep.
Clickspring skidded to a halt in the middle of the round room, still sitting on his haunches. He blinked in confusion as Rarity approached, levitating a tape measure, a notepad and a pen as she came.
"It's going to be all right, Mr. Clickspring. Soon the trauma of being seen in public in that HIDEOUS dress will soon be only a sad memory."
Waving his forelegs he backed away from the mare-on-a-mission and yelped, "Oh no, no, no, no! I'm not here for clothing or anything. My kilt is just fine!"
Rarity glared through squinted eyes at the nightmare that was wrapped around his backside. "That! Thing! Is NOT just fine."
"It's a family heirloom!"
"Then it should be in a museum and certainly not being worn in public. Ugh! Who would choose such horrible, horrible colours? Let alone combine them like that?" She was going to be sick if she had to keep looking at it, so she turned away and put her tape measure, pen and notepad back on her designing desk. She shuddered delicately.
Clickspring sighed and shrugged. "Some crazy Shetlander's idea of fashion, I guess. Look, I know your shop is closed for the day and I don't want to intrude… This is really awkward. You don't even know me, but I have a favour I'd like to ask."
Twilight had warned her and the others that there would be times like this, when being the bearer of the Element of Generosity would bring troublesome situations to darken her door. Probably best to treat it like a band-aid and get it taken care of at once.
Not daring to turn around and suffer through seeing that, ugh, kilt again, she said, "Ask away then, but if it's not about creating the most beautiful clothing in Equestria, I'm not certain I'll be equipped to help you." Sweet sisters! She hoped he wasn't about to ask her on a date or something equally uncouth!
"Well… It's kind of embarrassing."
Oh no, he was! Wasn't he? What kind of mare did he take her for? She didn't even know him, and to come barging into her home dressed like that? With his screwed up horn? Rarity felt herself starting to hyperventilate.
"I was wondering if you'd be willing to…"
Here it comes!
"...be my Master."
"What?!"
"What?"
Rarity turned around to stare at Clickspring, then at her sister standing halfway down the stairs, then at Clickspring again. Clickspring meanwhile had been startled by Sweetie Belle's squeaky exclamation coming from behind him and was staring over his shoulder at the little filly, his eyes wide and ears flat against his skull.
"S-Sweetie Belle. Could you perhaps give us a moment? We'll go out for dinner after I've had a little chat with Mr. Clickspring here." She waved a hoof, trying to shoo her precocious sister back up the stairs.
Ignoring her Rarity, Sweetie Belle came down the stairs, almost stumbling in her haste and whined, "But I'm hungry nooow! Did he just ask you to be his Master? But he's so old!" She trotted over to Clickspring, looked up at him and said, "Hey, you were at the school today talking to Miss Cheerilee. I'm Sweetie Belle, Rarity's sister, are you really going to be her apprentice? How would that even work? What happened to your horn? Does it hurt? Why are you wearing a dress?"
Clickspring slowly scooted away from Sweetie Belle and his mouth opened and closed as he tried to formulate an answer to even one of her questions.
Quickly crossing the room Rarity caught her sister in her forelegs and pushed her back towards the stairs. "Not right now, Sweetie Belle. Please do as I ask and I'll buy you an extra pastry for dessert. Adults have to talk about something serious now."
Sweetie moaned, "Awwwwww… But it was gettin' interesting! I thought he was gonna ask you out! But wanting you to be his Master? That's just, weird."
"Go on, now. I'll call you when we're finished." She smootched the top of Sweetie Belle's head and gave her another push up the stairs, then stood watching until her sister was out of sight. She then rounded on Clickspring who was still sitting silently in the middle of her boutique wearing that affront to every fashionable fibre of her being.
"Now then. What was this about wanting to be my apprentice? Is this some kind of silly joke? Did Rainbow Dash put you up to this?" Her eyes narrowed in suspicion and she snorted and pawed at the floor, starting to become angry.
"No! No, nopony is putting me up to anything." Clickspring sighed and confessed, "Well, I guess you could say my therapist is making me do this." He grimaced and said, "Look, I'm not crazy or anything."
"The thought never crossed my mind." The sarcasm in her voice made it perfectly clear that she was wondering why she'd let this poorly dressed lunatic into her home.
Clickspring rubbed a hoof over his eyes and said, "Please let me try this again?"
"I'm listening."
"Thank you." Clickspring inhaled, held it a moment and said, "I didn't have a Master when I was a colt and my therapist has asked me to see if anypony in town would be willing to take me on as an apprentice. I think the idea is to try and fill in that part of being a unicorn that I missed out on. Cheerilee gave me the paperwork for it and so here I am, asking if you'd be willing to tutor me. To be my Master."
Rarity walked over and sat down on the floor, facing Clickspring.
"Why are you asking me? Is it due to my being the bearer of the Element of Generosity? You should know that I won't agree to your bizarre request just because of that."
"What? Oh… right. Honestly, that never crossed my mind. I thought that with you being a dressmaker there might be some crafting spells you could teach me that I'd find useful for my clockmaking."
Rarity hummed and looked at him through narrowed eyes. This was simply too preposterous to be one of Dash or Pinkie's gags, they were more likely to use whoopie cushions or precariously positioned buckets of water. Clickspring seemed earnest in his appeal. There was no denying that this could be beneficial for her as well, as she had decidedly not been looking forward to perhaps being asked to become Master for Snails or Snips. If she already had an apprentice her name would be removed from the list before one of those dolt colts went looking for their own Master.
"May I see your application form, please?"
Clickspring pulled a bundle of folded up papers from where he had it tucked in his belt and floated it over to her. She flipped past the first few pages and read the application form, grimacing at his poor writing; if she did agree to take him on as an apprentice one thing she would try to teach him was to have a little more care and style. Some panache would be nice too, one could never over-do the panache. At the very least she would simply have to get him out of that horrid kilt.
She felt her ears flush as the double entendre's second meaning occurred to her.
"Ohhh my… You certainly do have a great deal to learn. What is 'Dyadic Math'?"
"A simplified math spell, I have a hard time casting math spells. I could show you how it works if you want."
She folded the papers and floated them back to Clickspring. "You need to fill in your T.C. Level before your application could be submitted."
"Umm… Stupid question, but what is a 'T.C. Level'?"
"Thaumatic Conductivity. It's a measure of how attuned your body and horn are for working with magic. You can get the tests done at Ponyville General Hospital." She sighed and said, "I need some time to think about this, Mr. Clickspring. Please get your level tested and come see me again. All right?"
Clickspring stood up and shook himself, wiggling his rump to get his kilt back into shape. Rarity shuddered and had to look away.
"Ok, Miss Rarity. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me. Sorry for interrupting your dinner plans." Clickspring trotted off towards the door.
"Quite all right, Mr. Clickspring. Please see yourself out, I have a curious little sister to scold and then treat to dinner." She hoped nopony would see him as he left the Carousel Boutique; perhaps she should have asked him to leave by the back door? She turned and smiled up at Sweetie Belle who was peeping down from the top step of the stairs, calling up to her, "Well… After that I'm more in the mood for something greasy and spicy, how does Elote Loco sound?"
Sweetie Belle clattered down the stairs and hugged her sister, giving her a sad puppy dog stare. "N-no pastries?"
Wrapping her forelegs around Sweetie to return the hug, she said, "Oh, but there simply must be pastries! We will pick some up on the way home."
"Yaaaaaaaaaay!"
Clickspring was surprised that all of the lights in the hospital's lobby were still on this late at night or early in the morning depending on how you looked at it. He yawned and blinked his bleary eyes as he trotted over to the reception desk. It was way past his bedtime but this is when they had made the appointment for his T.C. test, telling him that they only ran them very early in the morning.
Noctilucent had put her book down when Clickspring entered and she smiled at him as he approached the desk. "G-good evening, Clicky. Prepared for your test?"
He nodded and said, "Yeah, I guess so. If I can stay awake long enough to get through it. You're working the night shift now?"
"Y-yes, since Sunday. I v-volunteered as I am a bit of a n-night owl." She looked in the appointment book and wrote a check mark next to Clickspring's 2 A.M. appointment and said, "The examination room is in the East wing, room number t-three. D-do you wish for me to accompany you?"
Clickspring yawned again, holding a hoof over his gaping mouth. "Aaaaaah… No, I think I can find my way, thanks. Enjoy your book." He trotted off into the east wing, stopping at one of the hospital's wooden doors. The sign next to it read 'East-3' and Clickspring tapped on the door with one of his hooves.
He heard a feminine sounding squeal, "Eeeeee…" Then a cough before the voice said, "Enter."
Clickspring opened the door and blinked owlishly at the nurse who would be running his test, a bat-winged nocturnal pegasus. Clickspring had dated a nocturnal pegasus stallion for a while but he hadn't seen one in a long time as there weren't many living in Ponyville.
She was smaller than a regular pegasus mare and somewhat furrier, almost shaggy. Her hide was dark grey, she had a black mane and tail with black tufts on her ears. Her cutie mark was a red cross with a black heart over top of it. A white nurse's cap perched atop her black mane which was pulled back into the standard nurses' bun. She blinked bright yellow eyes which had cat-like slit pupils, fluttered her black batwings and yawned, opening her mouth wide to show Clickspring rows of perfectly white and very, very sharp looking fangs in her muzzle.
He shuddered as prey impulses like 'run', and 'hide', and 'bend over' fought for control of his body. He'd always enjoyed that extra bit of excitement when he was fooling around with Sable Squall.
She was sitting atop a stool, next to a counter which ran along one side of the room. It had a small wash sink and atop it sat a large glass jar of tongue depressors, several boxes of medical supplies and an octopus-like bundle of thick beige wires with round sensors on the ends.
She gestured to the other red-fabric-topped stool and in a slightly squeaky and sibilant voice said, "Hello Mr…" She glanced at a clipboard sitting on the counter and lisped, "Mr Clickthpring. Please take a seat."
"Uh, hi."
He scooted his butt up onto the stool and waited, anxiously glancing at the octopus of wires that reminded him of equipment that had been used to test his heart and brain function in the past.
"My name is Nurse Blackheart and I'll be running you through a T.C. test this evening. When did you last have it done?"
Clickspring shook his head and replied, "Never. Didn't even know it existed until yesterday."
"Oh! Well, it's not painful. I have to stick several sensors on you and get you to perform a few simple spells while the machine records how well you absorb and use the ambient magic. That's why we do this test late at night. The magic is more stable when everypony is asleep."
Nurse Blackheart turned to the counter and pulled a pair of thin, yellow rubber hoof covers out of one of the boxes. She slipped them onto her fore hooves and then scooped up the tangle of wires in a fetlock and scooted her wheeled stool a little closer to him.
Holding one of the round sensor pads in her hoof she bit and tore a little paper cover off of it, and spat it into a trash bin. This exposed a shiny patch of glue. She lisped, "The gloves should keep me from triggering your P.F.A.Ehth., but let me know if you have any problems. Ok?"
She pressed the sticky, round pad against Clickspring's chest.
Fortunately, the gloves worked as expected and she was able to continue sticking sensors on him until he had a dozen of them on various parts of his body. Eight around his torso, two on his neck, and one on each of his temples. Then she slipped a white, open-ended, hollow cone over his corkscrewed half-horn, it's wire dangling down through his mane and along one side of his face.
Clickspring was tense, sweaty and trying to focus is mind on thinking cold thoughts about distant mountain peaks and certainly not about the exotic young mare poking and prodding him. He was thankful when she finished up and backed away, leaving a cinnamon-like musky odour in the air.
"There. All set. Do you have any questions before we begin, Mr. Clickthpring?"
He shook his head, making the wires rattle. "Not so far, no. Ummm... What spells do I have to cast?"
"Just a moment…"
She turned and switched on the measuring equipment, which beeped and began charting Clickspring's vitals as wiggly lines on a continuous sheet of graph paper. With her wing tips, she picked up a pair of dark goggles from the counter and slipped them on. "For the first test, I want you to light up your horn. Make it as bright as you can and hold it for thirty seconds."
"Umm… I'm not very good at holding a steady light, so should I try for steady or for bright?"
"As bright as you can and try to hold it steady." She half stood up from her stool and leant past Clickspring to switch off the room's light with one of her wings and then sat back down. "Ok, whenever you're ready."
Clickspring had had to lean back to avoid having his snoot bumped by Blackheart and he was relieved that the room was now completely dark. There had been a stirring from down below that left him wishing he'd worn his kilt. Closing his eyes he concentrated on lighting his horn.
He felt the magic contained within him respond to his will, slithering through his body like warm silk and pouring up into the base of his horn. He didn't attempt to sculpt the energy into a spell, so the keratin of his horn simply began to glow. On the left side anyway. He could feel the crumbly, unhealthy stump of horn on the right side absorbing magic and warming up a little before abruptly discharging the stored magic back into him. Most of the backwashing magic was drawn into the good side of his horn and caused the brightness of the light to surge.
The pulsing instability was nothing new to Clickspring, he'd been dealing with this since he was a little colt and his power had first manifested. Gritting his teeth he slowly increased the flow of magic, which was easier to do once the initial push to get his horn to light up was done.
Nurse Blackheart snorted and said, "Please try to keep it steadier. You can stop when the machine beeps."
He felt a hot flush through his body and a prickling all over his hide as the hairs stood on end. The rushing silk sensation of magic flowing through his body intensified as he began drawing in the environmental magic and conducted it into his horn.
Knowing that there was nothing he could do about the pulsing caused by his wonky horn, Clickspring concentrated on keeping the flow of magic into and through his body at a constant rate. The nurse wanted him to push the light spell as hard as he could but he didn't dare, not with the right side of his horn starting to heat up already.
Through his closed eyes he could see the light coming from his horn getting dimmer and taking on a red tint, despite keeping the flow of magic at a constant rate. Gritting his teeth he pushed a bit harder, increasing the flow and bizarrely the throbbing light grew even dimmer as the right side of his horn became unbearably hot. It felt like a glowing coal was being pressed into his skull. The light grew dimmer and redder and eventually disappeared altogether, despite the continuing flow of magic through his body and up into his horn.
When he heard the recording machine beep Clickspring immediately stopped pushing magic into his horn and sagged atop the stool, exhaling the breath he hadn't realised he'd been holding and panting loudly. He felt dizzy and there was a quick, dark red flash from the left side of his horn as the flow of magic slowed and then stopped. The right side felt like it was on fire! He reached up with a hoof to rub at it, pushing the sensor cone up along his horn. It felt hot against the heels of his hoof and he could feel bits coming off as he rubbed, falling down his face like grains of sand. While he was used to how the stub frequently shed fragments, this was the worst it had ever been.
Clickspring hissed while rubbing his head and said, "That sucked."
He heard Nurse Blackheart moving around a little in the pitch black room and she said, "Can you reach behind you and turn the lights on, please?"
Reaching back and fumbling around for a moment, he found the switch and the overhead light came on. Blackheart had pushed the dark goggles up onto her forehead and she blinked her bright yellow eyes a few times before turning around to switch off the recording machine.
Clickspring whimpered, "It feels like my horn is on fire."
Blackheart grabbed a washcloth and ran it under the tap, wrung it out and held it out it to Clickspring. He grabbed it, careful to avoid touching the nurse, and pressed it to his horn stub and sighed in relief while she turned back to the machine to have a look at the chart. She hummed and made little chirps and clicks while looking over the chart.
Clickspring wiped his sweaty face with the damp cloth and while his forehead still ached, it didn't feel like it was burning anymore. With a few swipes, he brushed fragments of horn away from his right eye.
"So, how did I do?"
"Just a moment." Blackheart tore the section of paper off of the sensor and began writing down the peak numbers from the chart into a form on her clipboard, then did a little simple calculation and wrote the result into a box a third of the way down the page. She stared at it, brows furrowed. Then she double checked the sensor readings on the chart and her math.
Starting to worry, Clickspring sat and listened to the quiet squeaks and peeps that the nurse was making as she checked the chart again. It was kind of cute but she seemed annoyed with whatever she was seeing, and test results that caused medical staff to get upset were never a good thing.
The nurse grunted and turned back towards him and said, "I'm not certain that these results are accurate, Mr. Clickthrping. The machine might be out of calibration or something. A technician will need to take a look the machine and we don't have one on staff here, so that might take a day or two. I'd like to send your chart to a specialist in Canterlot to get their opinion, if that's ok?"
Clickspring sighed and tossed the cloth up onto the counter. "Yeah, sure. I guess that's it for tonight then?"
Nurse Blackheart nodded and said, "Until we get the machine checked. Actually, it might be best to see what the specialist says before we do the rest." She reached out and lifted the cone off of his horn and tugged on each of the sensor cables, which made little 'rip' sounds as each one pulled free from his hide.
She tsked at the smell of burnt hair that came from Clickspring's damaged horn.
Clickspring rubbed his eyes and blearily remember the application form. "Oh, any chance you can let me know what I scored? I have a form that I need to submit that requires it."
Blackheart grabbed the clipboard and showed the results of her calculation to Clickspring, pointing out the tally for the first test. "You scored 104. But that can't be right. You'll have to update your form when we hear back from the specialist and finish the tests."
"Ok, thanks." He scratched a hoof over where one of the sensors had been stuck into his chest fur and grimaced at the strands of goop that stretched between fur and hoof claws. "Ugh… I need a shower. Does this glue stuff wash out?"
"Yep, just use a lot of soap. If you'd like there are showers here you can use."
"Eh. It's only a short walk home."
Clickspring slid off of his stool and for a moment he felt slightly dizzy and weak. "On second thoughts, maybe I'll just take it easy for a bit. Where are those showers?"
Author's Note
I've lost count of how many times I've re-written the T.C. testing scene. Ugh. Hopefully, this version is ok.
Please let me know if you see anything that looks broken... aside from Clicky's horn. :unsuresweetie: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/unsuresweetie.png
Edit: Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament) is working hard to save you from my terrible punctuation.

//-------------------------------------------------------//
               8 - Dreams, Dresses and Derpy               
//-------------------------------------------------------//
8 - Dreams, Dresses and Derpy
Noctilucent set her book aside and pondered on what she had read. The schwesterhooven movement was old, it had been founded during the terrible times before she had been exiled to the Moon. After Discord and his ilk had been put down and during the growing antipathy between the two Courts, some ponies had sworn to be pacifists. They had exiled themselves to the old world nations of Germany, Fancy and the Grittish Isles, where they still lived in small communes. They held fast to traditions of matriarchal herds, laborious farming, communal property, orthodox worship of the Two Sisters and of course the now antiquated way of speaking that Clicky had noted.
While no pacifist, she could certainly pretend to have been raised Schwesterhoof as part of her disguise. Noctilucent yawned, rubbed at her dry eyes and leant back into the uncomfortable chair behind the hospital's reception desk. Though she was naturally more energetic during Her dark and pleasant night, the hospital was very dull and quiet. The janitorial staff had finished their labour and the lone security pony was keeping vigil outside. Once Clicky had left it was just herself and Nurse Blackheart, who was flitting around checking on everypony who was staying overnight.
There was time for a little dream walking as she was not likely to be disturbed at this hour. Ponies had their strongest and most memorable dreams during these wee hours before dawn, making it the most fruitful time to be walking.
Noctilucent closed her eyes and her horn glowed briefly.
Standing before the cuckoo clock door to Clickspring's dreams, Luna decided against visiting him or Dirt Nap tonight. Instead she remained in the Hall and cast another spell. Hair-thin threads of glowing light spread out from her horn and attached to the doors around her, lightly linking her senses to several hundred dreamers. A mere fraction of Equestria's population but it was the most she could manage for now.
She stood with her eyes closed, ears perked forward and 'listened' for anypony having a truly awful nightmare. There were foul entities which could enter dreams and inspire terror, lust, envy, and other primal emotions. Feeding upon the dreamer, leaving them weak and easily led down evil paths by their demonic brethren. She well knew how ponies could succumb to their whispers of power and false justice, having fallen for them once herself.
Luna eagerly sought for the horrible miasma of a Tartarus induced nightmare; the sound of hopeless screams, the stench of rotting flesh, the cold touch of an undead hoof, a fetid exhalation over decaying teeth.
What she was not expecting was the scent of vanilla and a warm breath in her ear that said, "Hello..."
Noctilucent's body spasmed. She kicked the reception desk and almost fell out of her chair while making a very undignified and loud snort. After a moment of disorientation, she recovered and righted herself in the chair with an annoyed grunt.
"You ok down there, Noctiluthent?"
Noctilucent looked up to see Nurse Blackheart hovering at the top of the stairs gazing down at her with bright yellow eyes, her black wings making only a whisper of sound.
"Y-y-yes, f-fine. Thank th... you, Nurse Blackheart. I, ah, read something humorous in my book is all. N-nothing to trouble yourself over. My apologies."
Blackheart glanced at said book, laying closed on the desk, raised an eyebrow but said nothing as she fluttered away into one of the third-floor corridors.
Noctilucent sighed, settled back into her uncomfortable chair and let the still active dream walking spell pull her back in. She slipped into her manifestation within the time-queer Hall of Dreams and heard, "...dear sister," breathed into her ear.
Luna smiled and leant sideways, pressing up against Celestia's warm side. "Good evening to thee, dearest sister. Thou… You are awake very late. Or is it early?"
Celestia rubbed her cheek against Luna's and said, "I have an early morning meeting with the mayor of Manehatten and while I was waiting for my airship to dock I felt you beginning a dream walk." She stepped away from Luna and smiled down at her. "It is good to see you again."
"Tis wondrous to gaze upon you as well." Though in truth Luna also felt ashamed for having avoided her for so long.
"Do you have a few moments to chat? It is unlikely that there will be any nightmares that are terrible enough to require your intervention. Ponyville has been remarkably free of diabolic scheming since the Elements returned."
Luna nodded and sighed. "Aye, the past few nights that I have Walked there has been nary a single nightmare for me to battle. In sooth I find it disturbingly peaceful." She pawed a hoof on the floor and snorted, wishing there were some foe to smite and a frightened pony to comfort.
"Are you enjoying your vacation? Have you made any friends in Ponyville?"
Luna chuckled and said, "Nae, not yet in any case. Our group session patients have tasked us with making a friend afore the next session. But I have not, yet." Luna had been putting it off and putting it off, but the session would be soon so she would need to stir her tail and attempt to befriend somepony or face Dr. Cake's wrath. Assuming the chubby fellow was capable of wrath.
Seeing her sister's discomfort Celestia nuzzled her cheek and said, "I recommend consulting with Twilight Sparkle if you require advice. I can tell from her letters that she is quickly learning a great deal about the magic of friendship."
"Indeed. As thou… you have foresawn, she shows promise of growing from a bibliognost to a worthy leader of the Elements."
"We will need them and others like them, Luna." Celestia sighed and said, "I worry that great danger is coming for our little ponies."
Luna's dark blue hide shivered upon hearing her sister confirming her own sense of foreboding. "Shall I end my respite and return to Canterlot? Is this why you have sought me out?"
Celestia shook her head and said, "No. I believe we have some time remaining, but please be ready to come if I should call for you."
"Always."
Kissing Luna on the cheek she said, "Thank you. I know that you are eager for your strength to return and to take up your duties again. I'm certain Equestria will need you soon but do not rush your vacation, Luna. Make friends, take a lover and enjoy being just a pony for a while."
Luna made a small, amused snort at being advised to take a lover by her sister, who had become the embodiment of the 'maiden in an ivory tower' archetype. She wondered if there were a pony in the land who was brave or foolhardy enough to try and scale that tower.
"I will continue to see to our nation's needs for a while longer. I had better return to the waking world for I have a mayor to scold."
The sisters hugged and Celestia nuzzled her smaller sibling's ear. "I love you, Moony."
"I love thee also, Sunny."
Alone again, Luna stood watch over Ponyville's dreams.
Sweetie Belle sat at the kitchen table, sipping a mug of warm milk and idly scribbling designs for a Cutie Mark Crusader coat of arms. She was bored with a capital 'B'. So very, very bored. Being dropped off by her parents to spend the weekend with her sister had been fun at first, but Rarity had grounded her when she came home covered in tree sap. Again.
At this rate, she would end up with a cutie mark for getting covered in tree sap, or one for spending hours in the tub scrubbing the sap out.
She was startled, mid-yawn, by somepony knocking on the kitchen door. She hiccuped, hopped up from her chair and went to window next to the door and used her magic to lift up a corner of the curtain so she could peer out. She squeaked happily because it was someone interesting! That weird old unicorn who's asked her sister to be his Master. Grinning, she dropped the curtain and scurried over to the open doorway between the kitchen and the Carousel Boutique's showroom.
"Raaaarity! Your coltfriend is at the back doooooor!"
She heard her sister yelp, "W-what?" and Twilight Sparkle ask, "You have a special somepony, Rarity?"
Sweetie Belle pressed her hooves over her muzzle to try and contain her giggles.
"No! I don't have any…" She heard Rarity sigh in exasperation. "We can talk about this later, let's just finish getting your dress fitted, ok?" She called back to Sweetie Belle, "Please let Mr. Clickspring in and let him know that I'll be there in a little bit!"
Still giggling, Sweetie Belle trotted back to the kitchen door. It looked like she would be staying up a bit late tonight, as you couldn't let strange ponies wander around your home unescorted. She wouldn't even let a strange pony in, except her sister had said it was ok. She opened the door just as Clickspring was getting ready to knock again.
Dropping his hoof he smiled down at the little filly and asked, "Uh, hi. Is your sister in?"
Putting on her best dealing-with-Rarity's-clients manners, Sweetie Belle gestured and said, "Do please come in. My sister's with a client right now but said that she'd be ready to see you soon. Won't you take a seat, please?" She couldn't help squeaking a little bit, even though she was trying to be professional like her sister.
Clickspring trotted inside and sat down at the kitchen table while Sweetie Belle closed the door and hopped back up onto her own chair. She grabbed her cooling mug of milk and drank down a gulp, staring at the strange unicorn sitting across from her. She wondered if it would be ok to offer him a drink, but Rarity had banned her from doing anything in the kitchen after the last fire.
Sweetie Belle knew she was staring and Rarity had told her that it was impolite, but he was just so strange to look at. He had a weird horn, wore weird glasses and had a weird tuft of blue hair on the end of his chin. He was all kinds of weird and interesting.
He coughed and pulled some papers out of his belt and started reading them, glancing at her a few times as she sipped her milk. Sweetie figured he must be embarrassed by her staring at him and that he probably got a lot of ponies staring 'cause of his horn.
"What happened to your horn?"
Clickspring sighed and folded up the form he'd been reviewing and placed it on the table in front of him. "I had an accident when I was a little foal. Younger than you, actually."
Sweetie leant forward, her big eyes wide as she asked, "Does it hurt?"
"No, not unless I try to do too much magic anyway. The left side of my horn works fine, it's just the right side that's kind of useless."
"I'm sorry for staring. Did you get teased a lot at school? I get teased 'cause I don't have a cutie mark yet."
Clickspring nodded and said, "Yes, I was bullied at school. Foals can be kind of cruel, without realising how much they're hurting somepony. I'm sorry that you're being teased, it isn't fun is it?"
"No. It. Isn't. Is that why you're wearing a dress too? Do you not have your cutie mark yet?"
Sweetie Belle's eyes widened in fright as she imagined what it would be like to grow up and still not have a cutie mark. There were whispered stories at school about ponies who suffered such a horrible fate, or lack of a fate.
"Oh, no. I have one. I don't understand it, but I have one. My 'dress' is actually called a kilt, and wearing it is, ah, it's a traditional thing. I was born in the Shetland Isles."
Sweetie looked very puzzled and asked, "How can you have a cutie mark that you don't understand? I thought they showed what made you special?"
"I'm sure that they do, and most of the time a cutie mark is really easy to understand. Like a pony who drives a train and has railroad tracks for a cutie mark. Or a pony who grows apples and has an apple for a cutie mark. But sometimes it's not as easy to figure out." Clickspring nodded his head towards the doorway into the boutique. "Like your sister's cutie mark of three diamonds. Why not a needle and thread? Wouldn't that have made more sense?"
"Well, my sister has an af… An af… Affinity?" Clickspring nodded and she went on, "An affinity for gemstones. She's really good at finding them and using them in her couture."
Clickspring nodded and said, "So there's a connection between what makes her special, her fashion sense, and her cutie mark. But it's not obvious, is it? Shouldn't she be working as a miner? Or a gemstone cutter? Or making jewellery? My cutie mark is a lit taper; that's a strip of wood with one end of it on fire. I've never figured out why I have that as my cutie mark. I've worked in a few jobs over the years, and none of them has had anything to do with lighting things on fire."
"Maybe if my sister becomes your Master she can help you figure it out?"
Clickspring shrugged and said, "Maybe." But he didn't sound at all hopeful.
Rarity appeared in the doorway, wearing glasses with fancy red frames and a bright yellow tape measure draped over her shoulders. She smiled at Sweetie Belle and said, "Thank you for entertaining our guest, Sweetie, darling. Now finish off your milk and get to bed, dear." Her voice became a bit stern as she said, "We'll talk later about your little joke."
Turning to their guest and in a much more pleasant voice she said, "Come with me, Mr. Clickspring."
Sweetie Belle sighed and picked up her mug as Rarity and Clickspring walked out of the kitchen. Nopony ever appreciated her sense of humour.
Rarity gracefully walked over to a round platform, patted the top of is with one of her hooves and said, "Hop up, please."
Clickspring stopped a couple of meters away and looked puzzled, his head cocked to one side with one ear flopped over and the other up straight. "Wait. What?"
"Hop up here, please. I need to take your measurements." Rarity patted the top of the platform again and said, "And please take off that wretched thing that you are wearing." Rarity was grateful that he had come in the rear entrance this time, but gratitude did not stop her from feeling ill when she laid eyes on that plaid pustule he was wearing.
"But... I just came by to ask if you'd be my Master. I had the T.C. test done last night and…"
Rarity impatiently cut him off. "The answer is 'yes', Mr. Clickspring. I'll take you on as my apprentice, but no apprentice of mine is going to be seen in public wearing…" She trailed off as she noticed that Clickspring's brain seemed to have shut down, judging by his stunned look and statue-like stillness.
Rarity rapped her hoof on the top of the wooden platform again, much harder this time. "Mr. Clickspring? Come now. Hop up, I'd like to get this done sometime before morning, please."
Clickspring's brain appeared to play catch up, he shook his head and began unbuckled his belt. Rarity turned away and waited patiently, her ears twitching as she heard a rustle of fabric and a muted thump as his belt hit the floor. A moment later he jumped up on top of the modelling platform she was standing next to.
"Ah, this doesn't involve any touching does it?"
Rarity lifted up her tape measure in her magic and shook her head. "No, I'll avoid touching you, Mr. Clickspring. I have heard that you missed the last Festival and I'm aware of your unfortunate... condition."
Although she wasn't gay, Rarity had an arrangement with an old filly friend to take care of her Festival urge, as she was saving herself for marriage. Afterwards, she enjoyed hobnobbing with the local unicorns in the refreshments tent and she had never seen Clickspring there, which was unusual as there were not many unicorns living in Ponyville.
She began the painstaking process of measuring Clickspring, using her magic to handle the tape and to write everything down on a notepad. She started by measuring his head length, horn length and horn diameter at the base, which was a little awkward due to the malformed stub on one side.
"Why are you measuring my head for a kilt?"
"Oh, I keep all of my client's measurements on file Mr. Clickspring, in case they're needed at a later date. Perhaps you may need formal wear at some point." Rarity's eyes sparkled as she said, "I think you would look dashing in a tux and tails." Yes, his slender yet toned build would look good in form-fitting formal attire.
Clickspring laughed nervously. "I doubt I'll ever need to wear something like that. And please, call me 'Clicky'."
"All right, Clicky. Please hold still for a bit, no need to hold your breath. Just breath normally."
Getting accurate and detailed measurements of his front half was not an issue, but as she measured from his withers to his dock, Clickspring's hide began to twitch. His condition became worse as she measured around his girth in several places and began working her way down one of his hind legs; he was twitching, shuffling his hooves and sweating. Her tape measure was getting sweat on it!
'Ugh. Nasty.'
Rarity gave up after getting only very basic measurements of one of his legs. She dropped her notepad and pencil off on her desk but wasn't certain what to do with the tape measure. It would need to be cleansed. Shrugging she dropped it onto the floor next to her desk and said, "All right, we're finished Clicky."
Clickspring jumped down and quickly trotted over to his kilt, pulled it up around his middle and belted it in place. He wiggled his long whip-like tail to get it settled in the slit cut into the back of the kilt's fabric.
"You'll have to give me a few days to come up with a design for your new look, Clicky. I don't usually design skirts for stallions." Rarity paused, her lower lip pouting as she thought for a moment and then said, "In fact, this will be the very first one." Thoughts of starting a new trend danced through her head; a vision of stallions all over Equestria lining up to purchase one of her fabulous kilts.
"Umm… Can you make sure it has a few pockets?" Clickspring adjusted his belt and then scratched his belly with a forehoof, annoyed with the itchy fabric.
Rarity nodded and said, "Pockets. All right. I can do that."
"And no frilly stuff."
"No frills?"
"And no gems."
Rarity snorted, frowned and in a hard voice said, "Don't push it, Clicky. Gems are important!"
"Ah heh. Ummm… how much will it cost?"
"I consider this to be required, ah, 'supplies' for your apprenticeship. So I'll be billing it to the Crown along with the cost of your books and other supplies. Oh, that reminds me." Rarity trotted past Clickspring and lifted up a satchel that was laying against the wall. She brought it back and held it out to him.
"In here are your study books. There's one on practical magic theory, another with lessons for you to practice and yet another with tests as you complete each section of the theory book. There are a few other pieces of equipment we'll need as well, which I will acquire before our first lessons."
Clickspring took the satchel in his magic and slung it around his neck. "Thank you."
The corresponding Master's study guide was sitting on the desk in Rarity's bedroom. She had been leafing through it earlier in the day, re-familiarizing herself with what had been taught when she took her Master qualification training and certification.
"For now just read through the theory book and we can meet again in a few days to talk about how we are going to approach your training. I should have at least a rough version of your new kilt ready to be fitted by then. All right?"
Clickspring nodded and said, "Sounds good to me. Thank you, Rarity. I really appreciate this."
"You are most welcome, Clicky." She yawned, holding a delicate hoof in front of her muzzle. "Now, if you don't mind I would very much like to get my beauty sleep."
Clickspring nodded and headed back into the kitchen, stopping when he noticed his application form sitting on the table.
"Oh! I forgot, here's my completed application form." He used his magic to hand the folded up form to Rarity, then opened the door and headed off into the night.
Rarity shut the door and had a quick look at the form as she headed up the stairs to her bedroom, trying to keep her hooffalls quiet so as not to disturb Sweetie Belle. It just needed her information before she could post it off to Canterlot.
She sleepily muttered to herself, "Oh dear, a mere 10.4 percent for T.C.? Tch, tch, tch. Poor Clicky." She would need to review the section of the guide on how to train particularly weak students.
Twilight Sparkle's advice was sound, Noctilucent was certain of that. Taking her sister's advice she had spent several hours discussing Friendship Theory with her at the library, preparing to tackle her homework assignment. Twilight had drawn up a helpful list.
Step 1: The first step in getting to know a potential friend is to talk to them. Look for somepony who enjoys things that you like and strike up a conversation.
But what did the ponies of Ponyville do that could be described as something that she enjoyed?
Noctilucent had been wandering around town for the much of the afternoon, having woken early so that she would have this time. The group session was scheduled for this evening and she still had not made a friend, nor even made the attempt. She yawned and floated her coffee mug over to take a sip of frothy, sweet-bitter nectar.
She had yet to catch sight of a pony engaged in any activity that she was particularly fond of. Working the fields. Tending to flocks of lesser beasts. Buying and selling goods. Ponyville was primarily a farming and market town, and while a calming place to reside there was little of interest for a battle hardened mare from another time. Not that she desired to be knee deep in gore, the tranquillity was most pleasant, just not interesting.
She had struck up a conversation with the pony who had sold her the coffee, but such a customer to servant discourse could not be considered friendship. Friendly words had been exchanged, but they held little of personal merit.
Thinking back to those she had considered friends when she last strode the soil of Equestria, she realised that almost all of them had been friendships based on martial camaraderie or the bent knee of nobility to their rulers. She wasn't certain that such would even be considered friendship by modern standards. Most recently there had been one advisor in particular who she had felt close to, had confided many of her personal problems and joys to. Sadly it was a memory tainted with bitterness, as Dame Fleetwing had fallen in battle during the Long Eclipse. Though it had been an arrow shot by a pony loyal to the Sun that had done the deed, Noctilucent knew that the blame for her demise was solely her own.
Pacing the cobbled streets she felt morose, the regrets of her past hanging heavy on her heart, a companion for the fear of failing with the task set for her at the group session. By Clickspring, damn his hide. It galled her! Failing in her own task when she knew that he was succeeding in the one she had set for him. Rarity had visited the hospital to inquire after Clickspring's mental health, concerned about taking on an apprentice who was under the care of a therapist. Noctilucent would not sit in the group session and report she had failed while he sat smugly satisfied by his own progress. She would not! Her nostrils flared and she snorted angrily, startling a couple of mares who selling flowers out of the back of a cart.
The sound of splashing water brought her out of the angry funk she had sunk into. Without meaning to she had walked into the middle of the town square, which was not actually square, and almost up to the water fountain. She set her drink on the fountain's rim, sighed heavily making her lips flap, and stood for a while staring at the water. This was the same type of thinking that had ended in her making pacts in Tartarus and becoming Nightmare Moon. Fear. Jealousy. Rage. She wondered if perhaps it would be better to admit defeat than risk inviting such a disaster once again?
Her wings were itchy and sore, which didn't help her mood any. So she finished her coffee and teleported the mug back to the cafe, then trotted south, heading for the edge of town.
An hour later, after a long random flight over the Everfree forest, she was reclining in a cloud and giving her wings a relaxing preen. The wind ruffled her long blue primaries as she nibbled her way through the median converts on the underside of her left wing, wiggling the feathers with her mobile lips to relieve itchiness where they connected into her skin. Most of her feathers were just fine, but a few little ones drifted away on the breeze.
After preening she laid belly down on the soft fluffy cloud, wings outstretched and her head dangling over the edge. She gazed down at the wilderness and let her thoughts wander. The homework still worried her but she realised that one simply didn't go forth with the intent of 'making' a friend as one would to smite a foe. You could not make friendship appear as if casting a magical spell. Well, to be honest, one could do that if one knew the correct spells, but that was beside the point. What spells induced was not truly friendship, any more than casting Charm Beast was the same as earning an animal's trust and loyalty. Superficially they were similar, but magically created friendship was worthless and would vanish with the spell.
Perhaps if Clickspring had said she should only try to start a friendship, that would have been a sensible task, but no, she had agreed to making a friendship happen. No wonder she was unhappy with this task, it was inherently wrong. Indeed, while playing the role of Noctilucent it would be nigh impossible for a real friendship to form as it would be a friendship based upon a lie.
On thing Twilight had been most clear on was that friendship flourished in an atmosphere of honesty, and it was clear that as 'Noctilucent' any attempt at making a friend would be based upon a lie. No, best if she accepted that this was an impossible task or at least one she could not in good conscience complete.
She sighed heavily, blowing ragged puffs off of the edge of the cloud next to her chin.
Her cloud drifted near the ruined Castle of the Two Sister and she gazed at it glumly. A terrible reminder of what her rage, if let to fester, was capable of. The smashed, crumbling ruin that was slowly being consumed by the forest was jarring when compared with her memory of the beautiful fortification it had once been.
Something pony-sized was flying around and around the ruins. As she watched, the pegasus landed on the crumbling parapets, waited a few moments, then took off and flew around and around again. Luna stood up and stretched, making her back crack and pop, she flapped her large wings a few times and then dove off of the edge of the cloud. A long, swooping glide quickly brought her to the ruined castle, where she easily caught up to a little grey pegasus mare who was flying circles around it.
Flying up behind the other pony, Luna called, "Greetings, little pony. Art thou lost?" The voice modification spell that she wore like a muzzle over her mouth made her words so quiet that the little pegasus did not hear her. Luna sighed and with a hoof she swiped the spell from her face, leaving tiny tatters of magic dangling from her chin.
"GREETINGS, LITTLE PONY!"
'Oh bescītan, too loud!'
The pegasus was thrown rump over muzzle through the air by the blast and would have crashed into one of the ruin's remaining towers had Luna not plucked her out of the air with her magic.
Luna flew down and landed on a crumbling section of a curtain wall, and then set a ruffled bundle of grey feathers down onto the stone walkway. The little mare spent a few moment righting herself, shaking her yellow mane into some semblance of order and gathering her sprawled wings up against her flanks as she stood up. Shaking her head she blinked a few times and looked up at Luna... with one eye at least she looked up at Luna, the other was gazing at something off in the forest.
Derpy's eyebrows went up in shock. Bowing her front quarters low and pressing her snoot to the stone walkway she whimpered, "P-princess!"
This was perhaps the most familiar thing that had happened since Luna's return to Equestria, and she felt strangely comforted by it. She smiled and being careful to keep her voice quiet she said, "Rise, little pegasus. I would speak with thee… you."
Derpy straightened up, standing in a guard-like pose of attention before the princess. One of her intense yellow eyes gazed up at Luna, while the other wandered slowly around, jumping to a new angle whenever she blinked. It was unsettling.
Luna asked, "What business have you, that brings you to this desolate place? Art th…" She coughed and said, "Are you lost?"
Derpy's ears drooped and she scuffed at the stones with one of her forehooves. "Maybe… A little."
"Perhaps I can aid you. What is… your name?" Luna smiled, pleased at being able to speak in her own voice and without stuttering, though she must still be mindful of modern speech.
"I'm Derpy." The mare looked around at the ruins and said, "I'm tryin' to fly to Canterlot. I think I got turned around, 'cause this doesn't look like Canterlot."
Luna noticed the saddlebags that the pegasus was carrying which were emblazoned with the shape of a folded letter, rather than the mare's own cutie mark of bubbles as was tradition. A servant of Equestria then?
"Indeed, tis not Canterlot. It is a short flight north of this accursed place, I will show th… you the way. Where are you flying from?"
"Ponyville."
"You have flown south when you should have gone north."
The mailmare nodded and looked like she might burst into tears. "I don't have a good sense of direction. Usually, I just deliver mail in town along with Parcel Post, but the pony who does the mail run from Canterlot didn't come today. So I'm tryin' to fly these letters there myself."
Luna nodded and opened her wings. "A noble cause, but if your sense of direction betrays you, I recommend flying low and using landmarks to guide th… you. There is a river north of Ponyville which, if you follow it, will take thee most of the way to Canterlot. Come, I will show you the way."
Derpy's expression changed like the sun coming out from behind dark clouds as her sad frown turned into a glowingly happy grin. Throwing up a cloud of dust, Luna took off and Derpy followed her up into the sky. Luna stayed below the fluffy, white clouds and took it slow so that Derpy could keep up. Shortly they were flying over Ponyville, the little grey pegasus following a bit behind and to her right. Luna could see a few ponies on the ground below looking up and staring as they noticed her and she heard a pegasus gasp as they flew past him.
This was why she usually flew very high up and out of sight; a dark blue alicorn flying past tended to stand out. In a few minutes, they reached the north end of town where she slowed to a hover and gestured for Derpy to come closer.
"Stay low and follow this river, it will take thee to the foot of the mountains. There will be a waterfalls on your right, fly up it to Canterlot. To return, fly down to the river and follow the direction that it flows."
Derpy look down at the river, and also sideways towards Ponyville. She nodded and said, "Got it! Thank you, princess." She continued to hover by Luna's side for a moment, looking thoughtful.
"Ummm…"
Luna waited, hoping the confused looking mailmare could remember her instructions and would not need an escort all the way to Canterlot. She needed to visit Twilight to have the voice altering spell recast before tonight's group session.
"Would you like to have dinner sometime?"
Luna blinked, she had not expected that.
"I'm a real good cook and I wanna pay you back for helping me."
"You are doing a service for Equestria by carrying our mail. It would be churlish of me to not offer you what little aid I could. But, I accept your offer for a meal."
The little pegasus grinned and said, "Great! Thank you again, Princess."
"Luna."
Derpy cocked her head sideway, making her eyes look even more wonky than usual. "Oh, right. Thank you, Princess Luna."
Luna watched her fly off, heading upstream towards Canterlot. Then she smiled and waved to the pegasus stallion that had followed her from Ponyville, before disappearing in a flash of teleportation.
Author's Note
At last the story's protagonist appears! :derpytongue2: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/derpytongue2.png
Please let me know if you spot any issues.

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               9 - Clicky Loses His Marbles                
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9 - Clicky Loses His Marbles
Noctilucent watched as Dr. Cake's patience slowly crumbled. The doctor removed his glasses and closed his eyes, his brows furrowing as he rubbed a hoof along the bridge of his nose.
"So… What you're saying is that you went to the Spa for the day."
Pinkie bounced happily on the couch, "Uh huh!"
"You threw a party in the bathing rooms."
"Uh huh!"
"The water filters became clogged with confetti and…"
"Seee-men!"
The doctor sighed and soldiered on. "You flooded the first floor of the Spa, traumatised the staff, and the Spa has shut down for several days to do cleaning and repairs."
Pinkie nodded enthusiastically and boasted, "Yep! It was a great party! The bestest parties always cause property damage."
Dr. Cake glared at Clickspring, who had two hooves pressed over his muzzle and was making unpleasant snorting sounds as he tried not to laugh out loud. Dirt Nap's lips were trembling with suppressed mirth and the big earth pony's eyes were watering.
Noctilucent found she was having a hard time concentrating on writing notes.
Looking back at the Pink Menace, the doctor sighed again. "Well, I'm sorry Miss Pie, but it seems you did not understand the purpose of your 'homework'. I have no choice but to give you a failing mark."
Pinkie looked poleaxed and shrieked, "I FAILED!?"
"I'm sorry, Pinkie. We'll have to think of something else for a new homework assignment."
"But… But… They really liked the party! The spa ponies are planning to start a swinger's after hours party on Fridays. They asked me to help..." Her mane deflated with a farting sound and her lower lip trembled.
Clickspring broke down into uncontrolled, braying laughter, forcing the doctor had to speak loudly to be heard. "Please don't feel bad about this, it's just the whole point behind your homework was to relax, in a pleasant environment, and learn to enjoy being, well, bored."
Pinkie's mouth puckered, "Oooooooh… I get it." She sat lost in thought for a few moments while Clickspring laughed, Dirt Nap pressed a hoof into his mouth and chewed on it and Noctilucent fought a losing battle to keep a smile off of her muzzle.
"Nope. I don't get it."
She looked over at Clickspring who was gasping for breath and winked at him as her mane poofed back into its usual curly shape. He closed his eyes, pressed his face into the couch, hooves over his muzzle again as he made wet, snorting giggles.
Dr. Cake sighed again—he seemed to do that a lot around Pinkie—and clipped his glasses back on his muzzle. Noctilucent was certain that trying to get the Element of Laughter to take things seriously was a lost cause. Better to cut one's losses and advance to the rear with all speed.
Dr. Cake cleared his throat, "We'll discuss this later, Miss Pie, perhaps in a private session. Can you tell me where Fluttershy is this evening? She usually comes with you."
Pinkie laughed and then said, "Yesterday she asked Star Hunter to go on a date, he said 'yes', she squeaked and ran away, and now she's hiding in her house. Which is not a very good hiding place if you ask me, 'cause if you wanna find Fluttershy you go to her house. Right? Right! I'd have hidden someplace no one would look for me. Like at Fluttershy's house. Heeey! Maybe it really is a good place to hide! Clever..."
Dr. Cake was looking a little overwhelmed, so Noctilucent interrupted Pinkie and asked, "D-do you know i-if she's alright?"
Pinkie nodded and said, "Mmmmhmmmm! I bake her a cake and we all went over to congratulate her and she's fine. She's got us and her animal friends, so she'll bounce back."
Noctilucent made a note to talk with Dr. Cake about making a house call. She could certainly make a dream visit, but dropping in on Fluttershy in pony to encourage her was likely a better idea. It would not be good if Fluttershy depended too much on her animal friends, as that could cause a relapse. That the shy pegasus had arranged a date was a healthy step at least.
Dr. Cake nodded and said, "Please keep supporting her in any way you can, Pinkie. Thank you for letting us know." He turned and asked Clickspring, "Clicky. How did your homework assignment go?"
Clickspring sat up on the couch, gasping a bit as he caught his breath and wiped at his eyes with his forelegs. "Umm… I guess it went pretty well. I'm now the oldest apprentice in Equestria."
As the ponies in the group congratulated Clickspring he grinned, then his ears fell back and he frowned for a moment before pushing a fake grin back onto his face. Noctilucent noted this down as something to discuss with Dr. Cake during their case discussions later. While she was certain that he would have seen Clickspring's mixed emotions over being praised, it never hurt to make have a note for jogging one's memory.
"Thanks. Ah, so I guess that means I passed doing my homework?"
Dr. Cake nodded and said, "Yes, certainly. I imagine you'll be quite busy with apprenticeship homework from now on. Tell me, how do you feel about being an apprentice?"
"Ummm… It's kind of embarrassing, I guess." Clickspring waved a hoof in small circles and said, "I've been given the standard study materials that they give to new apprentices. It's all written for school foals and I'm old enough to be my master's sire... grand-sire, even. It just kind of weird."
Clickspring snorted. "And I'm worried that Rarity's going to try and dress me up like a Canterlot fop. She's insisted I can't wear my old kilt anymore, not if she's going to be my master."
"You're concerned about how other ponies will see you?"
He shrugged and said, "No. I mean, I wear that eyesore of a kilt in public. But I don't want to make Rarity look bad either because she's going out of her way to help me."
Noctilucent looked up from her notes. "I-I am a little s-surprised that you asked Rarity. Why her?"
"I figured she was the most likely to turn me down."
Pinkie waved her forelegs in the air and sang, "Helloooooo…? Element of Generosity?"
"I hadn't thought of that before I asked her," Clickspring said, with a pout.
Dr. Cake's hoof tapped on the wooden arm of his chair. "It disturbs me that you would go looking for somepony hoping that they would turn you down. But I'm glad that she didn't. I hope you'll take this seriously and put in the effort to learn from her."
Nodding Clickspring said, "I am taking it seriously. I've already learned a little bit from reading the books and I'm hoping she can teach me a few useful crafting spells."
"Good. Please keep us informed of how it goes. Now, Dirt Nap. Did you keep that journal?"
The big stallion nodded.
"Ok, that's good. Did you find it helpful at all?"
Dirt Nap opened his mouth… Closed it. Sat for a moment, looking uncomfortable before saying, "Ah'm not sure. But, ah didn't realise how often ah was thinkin' about, uh, sex, until ah started writin' it all down."
"Y-you are likely thinking about it more b-because you're keeping a journal about it. Did you visit The Back Passage on Saturday?"
Dirt Nap nodded and smiled. "Yep. Ah like the music, and dancin'. Gotta thank you two fer takin' me there. Ah didn' know how much ah liked dancin' until now." He sighed happily and said, "Lotta nice ponies there too. Real friendly folk."
"Good, very good. I'd like you to continue keeping your journal, Dirt Nap. It sounds to me like you are making progress." Dr. Cake gestured with a hoof at Noctilucent and asked, "How did your homework assignment go, Counselor Noctilucent?"
They had already discussed their 'homework' assignments before the session, making sure that they both had successful results to share with their patients.
"W-well, I believe I've begun a friendship, with a young mare I ran into. She was lost and I helped her by giving her directions, and we had a pleasant conversation. S-she has offered to make me a meal to repay me for assisting her." Noctilucent shrugged and asked, "Does this count as p-passing?"
"What do you think, group?" Dr. Cake looked around at each of the group members.
Dirt Nap nodded.
Clickspring smiled and said, "Yeah, sounds like a pass to me."
Pinkie, however, was looking unconvinced as she squinting at Noctilucent with one eye and rubbed her chin. "I dunno… Sounds like 'friendly' and not 'friend' yet, to me. Are you gonna go have dinner with her?"
Noctilucent nodded.
"Ok, well, do that and maybe next session I'll give you a gold star." Pinkie grinned at Noctilucent, who returned a hesitant smile.
"For my part; I have joined the Hay Burner group, signed the pledge and bought a couple of the recipe books." Dr. Cake smiled and said, "My wife and I are trying out the diet plan for the next few weeks and see how we get on. Pinkie has agreed to be my health partner and we've been taking walks together around town."
Pinkie waved at Dr. Cake. "Hiya, partner."
Dr. Cake smiled and waved back. "Hi, partner."
"That sounds like another pass to me," said Clickspring.
Pinkie Pie and Dirt Nap both said, "Eeeyup." and then Pinkie broke down into giggles.
"Ok then. Next session we might do homework assignments again, but I think we can call it a night. Did anyone bring post session snacks?" Dr. Cake's rotund tummy decided to punctuate his last sentence with a loud groan.
Clickspring chuckled and said, "Yeah, I bought some food. But nothing from Sugarcube Corners this time, just reasonably healthy stuff." He got up and picked up a wooden box that he'd earlier stashed behind the couch and walking on his hind legs he slid it onto the coffee table.
"I brought some samosas, some veggie sticks, dip and some kombucha sodas."
Rarity stood in her bedroom, tapping a hoof on the floor impatiently. She trotted over to the door to her usually exclusively private toilette and rapped on the door with a hoof. "Are you alright in there, Clicky?" she called.
Sweetie Belle, who was lying upside down on Rarity's bed chirped, "Maybe he fell in?"
Rarity knocked again. "Clicky…?"
Clickspring unlocked and opened the door. Poking his head out he whined, "I… I'm not sure this is really, me, Rarity."
"Come on out and let me be the judge of that." Rarity backed away from the door as Clickspring finally emerged, ears folded back and looking very insecure.
Sweetie's mouth was a round 'o' as she watched him trot out into the middle of the room. He was wearing a cape of shimmering cloth of gold, with large dark blue gears appliquéd all over it. The cape's colour was a several shades brighter than his light brass colour coat and the blue gears were a few shades darker than his mane. It had a high collar and was secured at the front with a golden rope with dark blue sapphires as pendants. The cape completely covered Clickspring's back and hung over his rump and down nearly to the floor, with a slit that his long, tufted tail exited through.
Sweetie rolled over on the bed, sat up and complained, "What about the hat?"
"Yes, Clicky. What about the hat? The ensemble really isn't complete without that hat."
Clickspring groaned as Rarity levitated a large, floppy hat made of matching material out from the toilette and settled it down onto his head. A brace of long, colourful feathers rose up from the left side of the crown in a swooshy arc.
"There! Perfection." Rarity giggled and clapped her hooves together, a big self-satisfied grin on her muzzle. It was not one of her most complex or inventive pieces, having been thrown together at the last moment when inspiration had struck, but it did look good on Clickspring. Just the right contrast in colours and the gear theme certainly meshed well with his chosen trade.
Sweetie jumped off of the bed and trotted around the embarrassed looking Clickspring, staring up at him. She squeaked, "Wow! He looks just like a wizard from a storybook!"
Clickspring sighed and said, "Exactly. Its false advertising is what it is." He looked up at Rarity. "I mean, thank you for making this for me but I'm no wizard. It's just… It's too much."
Rarity came over and fussed a bit with the ropes that held the cape in place. "The robes make the unicorn, Clicky. There's no harm in strutting your stuff and taking a little pride in your appearance. I think you look dashing. Doesn't he look dashing, Sweetie?"
"Dashing! Yeah, looks like he wants to dash out of here and hide." Her sister broke down into adorable little snorting giggles.
Clickspring's ears drooped and a profound pout graced his muzzle, his sagging ears made the hat drop down over his eyes. Rarity felt a twinge of guilt and worried that she might have overdone things a little; that trying to pump up Clickspring's confidence in his magic might be coming across as mockery.
She tugged the hat back off of his head and said, "Mmmm… This might need some adjustments. Anyway, the cape and hat are just a little something for special occasions. I thought, perhaps, if you're ever invited to Canterlot you might wear them. Honestly, they will help you fit right in with the upper crust."
She thought, 'For one thing, the hat will help cover your horn.'
"For everyday wear…" She used her magic to untie the cape and slid it off of him, folded it and placed it and the hat on her bed.
"For every day there's the kilt. How do you like it?"
Clickspring smiled and his tail wagged, flipping around and jeopardising some of Rarity's nic-nacks. "This, I like!" He walked in a small circle, looking over his shoulder as he sashayed his hips.
The new kilt was made of durable, high-thread-count cotton, dyed Pale Desert Sand colour. As requested, it had several pockets and as buttons, there were blue sapphires that matched Clickspring's mane, plus a row of them around the hem and then another row of transparent diamonds slightly higher.
"It's so much more comfortable, but, maybe a few too many gemstones…"
Rarity tsked, "You can never have too many gemstones, Clicky. I notice you didn't say anything about the frills?" She had kept them modest and discreet, just a hint of frilling to add a little much-needed texture.
Clickspring stopped, head lowered almost down to his hooves as he murmured, "I… I kind of like the frill."
Rarity's eyes sparkled as she said, "Ahhh! I thought you might, despite your asking me not to. What with you being…" She glanced at her little sister. "Ahhh… That way."
Sweetie Belle cocked her head to one side, looking curious and asked, "What way?"
"Never you mind what way, Sweetie Belle."
"Ummm… I have to admit that I am kind of jealous of you mares. You have so many clothing options and different kinds of fabrics and stuff. While for stallions it's almost all simple work clothes, armour or stiff collar suits." He perked up and wiggled his rump and said, "I think this is perfect. Thank you."
"You're very welcome, Clicky. Now that you're presentable, shall we get started on your training?"
Clickspring pushed his way through the last of the undergrowth with Rarity on his heels. Seeing Noctilucent down by the riverside of his coppiced hideaway he waved and trotted over, his hoof falls muffled by the grass.
"Hi. I hope we're not disturbing you, uh, Rarity asked me to find a quiet place that I'm relaxed in so we could start my training."
Noctilucent smiled, nodded and said, "You are n-not disturbing me, and this is your secret place after all. Nice… ah... kilt, by the way."
Clickspring grinned and pranced in a circle to show off his new look. "I know, right?"
"Clicky!" Rarity called from where she was laying down a blanket on the grass several meters away. "We can practice here, so we won't disturb your friend. Ok?"
As he trotted over to the blanket, Clickspring saw Rarity giggle and hold a hoof over her mouth while looking toward the river. He looked over his shoulder and didn't see anything interesting; just Noctilucent reading her book, and the river. As he sat down on the blanket he thought about asking Rarity what she was amused by, but she immediately got down to business.
"I think we'll start with the basics, if that's acceptable, Clicky? Simple things like playing Marbles. Did you play Marbles when you were a young colt?"
Rarity retrieved a small cloth bag out of one of her saddlebags, opened it and poured two dozen small glass marbles onto the brightly coloured blanket.
Clickspring felt a sinking sensation in his gut. He had indeed tried to play marbles as a colt, but after his unicorn classmates had had a good laugh at his feeble attempt he'd tried playing Ringer with the earth ponies instead. One round of 'for keepsies' later he was marble-less and had lost any interest in playing with marbles.
Unicorns didn't use a ring drawn in the dirt for playing with marbles; instead, it was about keeping the special set of twenty-four enchanted marbles hovering in the air. The marbles both attracted and repelled one another, making it possible to build complex structures with them. Each player would take turns either 'placing' a new marble into the growing structure or 'hitting' one of the other player's marbles to knock it out and hopefully replace it with the 'striker' marble. The game ended when the players ran out of marbles; if a stable polyhedra was made, whoever had the most marbles in the structure was the winner.
It was a mix of cooperation to make a polyhedra and competition to knock out your opponent's marbles. The game was great practice for manipulating objects using magic, which was why schools encouraged it and had marble-sport teams.
"Eh… No, not really. Marbles weren't really my thing." Clickspring watched as Rarity sorted out the marbles into two equal piles of red and blue colours.
Rarity pouted for a moment, then shook her head, causing her curled mane to bounce. "Never mind. We'll start with just controlling the marbles then and perhaps I can teach you how to play the Marbles game once you're ready."
What followed was a long, tiring and frustrating lesson in basic telekinesis. Clickspring was able to hold two of the little glass spheres in the air at one time, slowly spinning in orbit around one another, but only as long as he could see both of them at once. His magic kept trying to pull the orbiting pair of marbles to the left and when Clickspring lost sight of one of them it would fly off to land the grass or disappear into the undergrowth around the trees. When Rarity tried to give him a third marble it caused the same kind of instability and a marble or two would go shooting off. Rarity called for a break after all of the red marbles had been lost and Clickspring got up to go look for them.
He sighed as he nosed around in the grass and when he found a marble he used his mobile lips to pick up and then tuck it into one of his cheeks. The lesson had gone exactly as he had thought it would; poorly.
Rarity laid back on the blanket, sighed and rubbed a hoof against her forehead, feeling a tension which threatened to blossom into a headache. A shadow fell over her and she opened her eyes.
Noctilucent stood near, smiled down and gestured with her horn at three marbles she held in her magic. "S-some of them l-landed near me." She lowered them down onto the blanket.
"Thank you, Miss..."
"Noctilucent."
"You have a lovely and evocative name, Miss Noctilucent. You're friends with Clicky?"
Noctilucent shook her head and murmured, "N-no, just his therapist."
"Oh! Then I really must thank you, Noctilucent, for it's your council that lead to me taking on my very first apprentice." Rarity thought about getting up or at least rolling over into a more gracious position; one shouldn't be so casual as to flop around on one's back when greeting a new pony. But her head was throbbing as the promised headache began to make itself at home. She closed her eyes, rubbed her forehead and whined in a most ladylike manner.
She felt a light tap on her horn and the pulsing pain was abruptly banished. Blinking her eyes Rarity looked up into the glistening cyan eyes of the other mare, who's face was centimetres away from her own.
A choking sound came from the underbrush, and as Noctilucent sat down on the blanket she called, "A-are you alright in there, Clicky?"
Clickspring's voice sounded oddly garbled as he called back, "Yeah… Almost swallowed a marble."
Rarity sat up, rubbing her no longer sore head. She looked over at Noctilucent and said, "Thank you. Why… I've never had a headache cured so quickly before."
Noctilucent smiled. "A-at the hospital they say I h-have a knack for pain relief magic. Sorry, for touching horns with you... if that b-bothers you. The spell requires a touch and m-my hooves are dirty."
Rarity chuckled nervously and said, "Why of course. Thank you for being so considerate, I wouldn't want to be walking around with a hoof print on my forehead now would I?"
"I feel badly that training Clicky is giving y-you a headache."
Rarity sighed and kept her voice low so as to not offend poor Clickspring. "That crippled horn of his makes it very difficult. I do not know how we're going to proceed. The first lessons are so simple, even my little sister can play Marbles." She pouted and said, "She's not very good at it mind you, but she can at least play."
Noctilucent nodded and asked, "W-what is the next lesson?"
"Using magic to lift weights."
"H-he will do poorly with that task. I have seen him s-struggle to lift a pot of honey. A small one." Noctilucent sighed and shook her head. "T-this will not be good for his self-esteem."
"Oh dear. Well, after that we'll get into simple spell weaving. Such as taking the light from your horn and spinning it off into a separate, self-sustaining globe."
"That is something he may be p-proficient with. The work he does, making c-clocks, does involve some intricate work."
Rarity was thoughtful for a moment. Given Clickspring's disability, perhaps skipping whole sections of the prescribed lesson plan was in order. She nodded and said, "Very well. We'll skip ahead to that then."
Clickspring walked up to the blanket with one of his cheeks bulging. He sat down on the edge, lowered his head and spat moist marbles out onto the blanket.
Rarity recoiled in disgust and yelped, "Clickspring! That's disgusting!"
He turned his head, spat a strand of grass out of his mouth and said, "I know. Sorry, I had to do it the earth pony way." Using his magic to hold open the marbles bag, he used a hoof to scoop them in. Rarity shuddered delicately while Noctilucent smiled and shook her head.
"I couldn't find all of them." He sighed and sagged where he sat. "Sorry Rarity, I don't think I'm going to get any better at this. No playing Marbles for me."
Rarity nodded and said, "Yes, I think we should skip ahead in the official training guide a little. But not today, I think we've both done enough for now."
Clickspring rubbed a hoof over the stubby right side of his horn and said, "Yeah, I'm fried."
"D-do you have a hornache?"
"Ooooh, maybe Noctilucent could horn-tap your head better as well?" Rarity giggled, as Clickspring stared at the two mares, ears flat against his head.
"That w-would be unwise. But I d-do have something that should help."
Noctilucent nosed open one of her saddlebags and felt around inside with her magic, lifting out a small phial from the supply of first aid equipment that every nurse carried with them. The contents of the phial was a thick, white syrup that glowed slightly. She unscrewed the eye dropper cap, checked that it had a small amount of the liquid in the dropper and held it out to Clickspring.
"C-concentrated essence of meadowsweet and willow, with a hasten enchantment. It will t-taste sour."
Clickspring tentatively extended his tongue and Noctilucent squeeze a couple of drops out, he smacked his lips and shuddered. His lips pressed together and he squinting his eyes closed.
"Bleaugh! You weren't kidding! Ugh, I need water, now!"
Rarity giggled as her apprentice hopped up and galloped over to the river edge and stuck his entire head down into the cold water. He had little in the way of unicorn grace or dignity, but he was an oddly likeable old stallion. Hopefully, the next lesson would be more productive.
Author's Note
Grammarly: "I see you wrote 'hornache', did you mean 'horny ache'?"
Why yes, Grammarly, that's exactly what I meant. :trixieshiftleft: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/trixieshiftleft.png
Edit: Some small punctuation and grammar fixes courtesy of Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament). :twilightsmile: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png

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                  10 - Dining With Derpy                   
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10 - Dining With Derpy
It was a cool, drizzly day in Ponyville. Most of the harvesting was completed and the town's produce was either stowed away for the long winter or shipped off to foreign parts. The trees held bare branches up into the misty air, their red and yellow canopies put to bed by the Running of the Leaves.
Noctilucent reclined on a wooden bench in the post office's waiting area, gazing out of the window at the grey street outside. The helpful mailpony at the counter told her that Derpy's shift would be finished shortly, so here she was, waiting for the pegasus to return from her rounds. She snorted, fogging up the window.
Her plan was a simple one, but far from foolproof; approach Derpy as Noctilucent and confess to her true identity.
According to Twilight Sparkle, a friendship must be based on honesty and trust, and this was the only reasonable course of action. Showing up in Ponyville as Luna would attract too much attention and might cause an uproar. Noctilucent had overheard coworkers at the hospital making plans for 'Nightmare Night' parties and it seemed that ponies still feared Nightmare Moon. Albeit in a somewhat silly manner that involved costumes, candy and frivolous games. The true horror of the Eclipse was but a distant memory, for which Noctilucent felt both grateful and disturbed: Mistakes that weren't remembered were bound to be repeated.
Derpy certainly had not been frightened of her and so as long she could be trusted with keeping Noctilucent's secret the evening should go well. Or it could end in a rout, with her identity exposed to all and a flight back to Canterlot leaving behind much confusion and unfinished tasks.
Noctilucent sighed, steaming up the window again and thought about abandoning this plan. Her ears twitched as she heard a door towards the back of the building open and shut.
"Hey, Parcel! WooOooo! It is miserable out there. Eheh hee hee hee!"
The light brown earth stallion at the counter turned away from stamping letters and waved to Derpy. "Hi, Derps. At least you don't get covered in road muck. Hey, you have a visitor waiting for you."
Noctilucent sat up straighter on the bench as Derpy trotted up to the counter and peered at her through rain spattered and foggy goggles. She was wearing a dark blue rain jacket that had cut outs for her wings, the dripping wet hood pulled up over her head.
"Ummm… Hello?"
"H-h-hi." Noctilucent wasn't sure what else to say, she certainly didn't want to start having a conversation about anything potentially revealing with the other mailpony present.
Derpy stood quietly and blinked a few times, making her odd eye shift around with each blink, and finally said, "Ok, gimme a minute to get changed." Then she trotted away, back into the post office. Parcel Post looked after Derpy, then at Noctilucent, shrugged and went back to stamping envelopes.
A few minutes later Derpy trotted around the counter, having shed her work clothes and Noctilucent got up from her seat to go meet her.
"S-sorry to bother you after y-you've been working all day. My name is Noctilucent. C-can I talk with you for a bit?"
Derpy smiled and said, "Sure thing. But I'm in a hurry to get home and cook dinner for my family, can we walk and talk at the same time?"
Noctilucent nodded and followed her over to the post office's main entrance. She hadn't even considered that Derpy might have a family; this added complication made the urge to quit and retreat almost unbearably strong. Derpy paused at the door to plop a multicoloured umbrella hat atop her head, while Noctilucent pulled up the hood of her grey hoodie and placed her faith in its water repulsion enchantment. They walked out onto the rain-soaked cobbles, side by side.
"What did you wanna talk about?"
The streets were pretty much abandoned, so Noctilucent judged that it was unlikely anypony would overhear them talking. Might as well get to the crux of the matter.
"I am Luna. This unicorn you see is an illusion."
Derpy stopped abruptly and almost slid onto her rump as her hooves skittered on the slick cobblestones. Noctilucent stopped and waited while Derpy stood, her head cocked to one side as she looked at her with her good eye.
After a few moments of confused staring, she suddenly grinned and blurted, "Eee hee hee hee heee! I knew it! I knew there was somethin' special about you."
Derpy bowed with one leg bent, kneeling in the street as she lowered her head and said, "Welcome to Ponyville, Princess Luna."
Dancing on her hooves, worried that somepony might see Derpy bending the knee, Noctilucent commanded, "Stand up at once!"
Derpy rose up and brushed the mud off of her foreleg.
Noctilucent sighed and said, "Please do not refer to me as 'princess'; my name in this disguise is merely 'Noctilucent'. I also ask is that you keep my true identity a secret. I am visiting Ponyville on, umm, royal business and need to be somepony else for a time."
Derpy smiled and nodded enthusiastically, making her umbrella hat flop about. "Ok, no problemo, 'Noctilucent'. So… Can I make you dinner tonight then?"
"If I would not be imposing?"
"Nope! Though I'm just doin' a stir fry, nothin' special. Is that ok?"
Noctilucent wasn't certain what a 'stir fry' was, but nodded and said, "A simple meal with good companionship sounds perfect."
"Great! C'mon then, pr… uh… Noctilucent."
Derpy led Noctilucent through the drizzly streets as night began to fall. Stopping a couple of times to look around and get her bearings There were very few ponies out and about in the cold drizzle; no foals, just adults on their way home from work or shopping. After one false turn, they arrived at the white picket fence around a two story, timber-framed house with a thatched roof.
As they walked up to the front door, Noctilucent asked, "You do not reside in Cloudsdale?"
Derpy shook her head, water droplets splattering out from the edge of her umbrella hat as she said, "Nope. My daughter's a unicorn." She opened the front door and waved for Noctilucent to enter and after a moment's hesitation, she trotted inside.
She found herself standing in a small 'mud room' with a rough hemp carpet underhoof, on her left was a small wood bench and an open closet with several coats hanging inside. Beneath the coats were many winter boots, with one set small enough for a foal. On her right was a closed door and in front of her was a set of stairs going up. Noctilucent stood to one side of the room, carefully wiping her damp hooves against the rug, while Derpy took off her umbrella hat using her wings tips, folded it shut and tucked it up onto a shelf in the closet.
After wiping her own hooves, Derpy headed up the stairs. Opening the door at the top of the stairs she was greeted by a little unicorn filly who dove into her forelegs and hugged her.
The little filly chirped, "Hiii, mama!"
Derpy stepped out of the way of the door to let Noctilucent into the room and scooped up her little, grey coated and yellow maned foal for a proper hugging. As she walked into the room Noctilucent saw that the upper story of the house had been converted into an apartment, with a combined living room and dining room, a small kitchen, two open doorways which led into bedrooms and a closed door which was no doubt the water closet. The walls were all painted a warm yellow, a few shades darker than a certain grumpy unicorn that she knew. There was a wooden table with six chairs, a couch and a bookcase filled with books and knick knacks. Hateful electric lighting illuminated the room, but they were at least yellow tinted and gave an illusion of candlelight.
Derpy put down her foal and pushed her toward Noctilucent with a wing saying, "Dinky, this is my new friend, Noctilucent. She's havin' dinner with us."
The little pony grinned, showing that she was missing one of her lower front teeth. "H'lo, Noctilu.. Noctiloosen…"
Lowering her head down to Dinky's height, Noctilucent smiled and said, "You may c-call me 'Luci' if you wish. I'm p-p-please to meet you, Dinky."
Noctilucent held out one of her cloven fore hooves and Dinky politely tapped it with one of her's.
"H'lo, Luci."
Noctilucent noticed that there was another pony present, sitting on the couch with a large book propped up on her thighs so that all she could see of them was the top of their head. Another unicorn judging by the pale purple horn poking up through her darker purple mane.
Derpy called to her, "Hiii, Amethyst. Come'n say hello to our guest."
The unicorn mare waved a hoof and said, "Hey, Derps. Sorry, I'm kind of busy. Hi, Luci."
Derpy smiled and shrugged with her wings. "Amethyst is Dinky's sister…"
"Half-sister!" Dinky chirped.
Derpy smiled down at her foal and ruffled her mane with a wing tip. "Yep, half-sister. Well… I'll get dinner goin'. Please make yourself at home, Noctilucent." She trotted off towards the kitchen with Dinky at her side.
After shutting the door Noctilucent walked over to the couch and before sitting she cast a quick drying cantrip on herself. She laid down on her belly and tucked her hooves up under herself as the couch's springs squeaked and groaned, protesting having to deal with the weight of an alicorn. Amethyst glanced out from behind her heavy tome at Noctilucent.
"H-home work?"
"Yup." She went back to reading.
Noctilucent read the title, 'The Paradoxes of Legal Science'. Sensing that her fellow couch sitter would prefer to be left alone, she watched Derpy and Dinky preparing the evening meal. The pegasus mare was a little clumsy as she chopped vegetables, placed a large, round frying pan of a type that Noctilucent had never seen before upon the gas stove, and retrieved a bowl of what appeared to be wavy, white noodles from the refrigerator. Dinky chatted about school with her while she worked. Oil, vegetables and seasonings were dumped into the pan and the room quickly filled with the crackling sound of frying and a delicious aroma. After a few minutes, Derpy tipped the noodles into the pan causing the frying sound to escalate, while she quickly stirred the contents with a large metal spoon.
Amethyst huffed, snapped her heavy book shut and dumped it onto the couch between herself and Noctilucent. She jumped up and walked to the kitchen, declaring, "I'll set the table."
A cupboard was opened by Amethyst's purple glowing magic and four plates floated out to land gently on the table, followed by glasses, forks and a jug of fruit juice. Noctilucent was impressed by Amethyst's display of power and control; she was a well-trained unicorn. She finished setting four places down at one end of the table just as Derpy finished cooking and switched off the stove's gas, clumsily igniting a feather on the tip of one of her wings in the process. After a moment of panic and a quick dip under a running faucet, Amethyst brought the heavy pan of stir frying over to the table and set it down atop a three-legged metal trivet.
Noctilucent rose from the couch and joined them as everypony was sitting down. She took the seat next to Dinky's, who had a padded box atop her chair so that she could sit up high enough to reach. Derpy sat at the head of the table and Amethyst took the chair opposite Dinky and Noctilucent.
Fussing with her tail, trying to get it to slip between the middle gap of the four rungs of the chair's back, Noctilucent wondered again about why ponies were so committed to building such uncomfortable furniture. Some puritanical culture must have come into fashion while she was languishing in the Moon. She envied Dinky's cushioned booster seat.
Derpy served out spoonfuls of noodles and vegetables while Amethyst poured juice for everypony.
"Th-thank you for the food." Noctilucent politely nodded to Derpy and picked up her fork with the pale cyan glow of her magic.
Dinky had her hooves up on the table, looming over the steaming plateful of food; she paused and looked over at Derpy and said, "Thank you, mom."
Derpy mumbled around a mouthful of food, "You're welcome." She smiled happily while munching.
"Boner appetite!" Amethyst chortled and shovelled a forkful of food into her muzzle.
"Amethyst!"
Derpy's angry yelp sprayed a little and Noctilucent counted herself fortunate that the mailmare had not shouted in her direction. She focused on enjoying the food, while the giggling, purple unicorn received a light wing slap across the back of her head. The vegetables were still crunchy, coated with oil and seasoning; carrot, onion, green peppers, mushrooms and peas still in the pod. The otherwise plain noodles provided a refreshing counterpoint to the richly seasoned vegetables. The only thing which slightly hampered enjoying the meal's flavour was a hint of scorched feathers in the air.
Not having magic, Derpy went muzzle down on her plate to eat, which was rather messy looking but effective as the mare devoured her meal. Dinky was eating the same way. Imitating her mother's mode of eating and taking smaller, but just as messy, bites.
Noctilucent levitated her glass to take a sip of what turned out to be apple juice, just as Amethyst was putting her glass down. The teenage pony looked uncomfortable and asked Derpy, "How come you invited Luci over? Feels weird having a stranger eatin' with us."
Since Derpy was messily chewing on a mouthful of stir fry, Noctilucent answered for her. "W-we met a few days ago. I was s-sightseeing at the Castle of the Two Sisters, and ran into Derpy there." She twirled her fork on the plate, gathering up a load of the noodles.
Amethyst spared Noctilucent and irritated glance and asked Derpy, "What were you doin' out there? The Everfree's a dump."
Derpy swallowed, licked her lips and said, "I got lost… as usual." She rubbed a hoof through her mane and nervously laughed. "Ah heh heh heh. You know me n my lousy sense of direction. I got lucky and ran into Noctilucent. She pointed me in the right direction to get to Canterlot, so I invited her over to say 'thanks'."
Amethyst frowned and looked confused. "But you said that was Princess Luna. Right?"
Noctilucent dropped her fork and it landed on her half empty plate with a clatter, the sharp noise making everypony jerk upright and stare at her. Noctilucent sighed heavily, thinking about all the times that her sister had cautioned her about leaping into action before properly thinking things through.
Derpy quietly said, "Oops."
"Wait… What?" Amethyst squinted at Noctilucent, her horn briefly flaring and by the glow around her eyes, it was obvious that she was checking out her aura.
Dinky glanced back and forth between her mother, Amethyst and Luci, looking puzzled as a noodle dangled from between her lips.
Noctilucent was silent, thinking quickly, trying to conjure up a way to salvage this without revealing her true identity to Derpy's family. Nothing sprang to mind and the silence which shrouded the table was well past being awkward. Noctilucent picked up her fork, scooped up some noodles and a mushroom then roughly shoved them into her muzzle and chewed while the other three ponies watched. After swallowing she sighed and said, "Yes, I am Princess Luna."
She dispelled the disguise while staring down at her plate, morosely watching the table shrink away from her slightly as she returned to her teenaged alicorn stature. She was starting to stir her food with her fork when Dinky shrieked and leapt out of her chair, her little hooves clattering on the floor as she ran to her mother's side. Dinky clutched at her mother, burying her face in Derpy's side while hugging her and wailing.
Derpy turned in her seat and hugged her frightened daughter, shushing her and smootching the top of her head, leaving a smear of stir fry sauce in her mane. Meanwhile Amethyst looked both angry and frightened, glaring at Luna with her nostrils flaring. Luna sighed heavily and lowered her fork down onto her plate with a soft clink; this was exactly the kind of reaction she had worried about.
Luna slipped out of her chair and headed for the door, fluttering her slightly sore wings.
"Nooo. Princess Luna, please don't go…" Derpy craned her head around so she could see the dejected looking blue alicorn stop at the door and look back at her. Dinky had calmed down a little but was still sniffling as her mother rubbed her back with one of her hooves.
Amethyst yelped, "No! Derpy, she's evil."
"Hush, Amethyst! Princess Luna's not evil; she helped me! She's a good pony."
Dinky sniffled, her tear stained little muzzle pressed up against her mother. "She makes me have nightmares."
Amethyst waved a hoof at Luna and said, "Nightmares, Derpy! Nightmares! Damn nobles even mess with us when we're asleep."
Luna gritted her teeth as she felt a hot blast of anger rip through her in response to this intolerable slander. She turned, gave Amethyst the Royal Stink Eye and in an intimidating growl, she said, "We… I, do not give ponies nightmares." At least it was supposed to be an intimidating growl, but with the voice changing spell still in place it came out as a mildly annoyed whisper. "Mayhaps tis forgotten knowledge, due to my long absence: But I only bring nightmares to the wicked, to drive them back into my sister's Light."
Derpy picked up a napkin from the table, holding it in the crook of her foreleg she wiped at her daughter's face to dry her cheeks. She looked up and said, "Please stay, Princess. You don't have to leave."
Torn between wanting to avoid upsetting poor little Dinky any further and the seeing Derpy's eyes starting to brim with tears, Luna walked back to her chair. No matter what she did it seemed somepony would be unhappy, not least of whom was herself. She had been genuinely enjoying dinner up until now.
Derpy wiped at the sauce in Dinky's mane but only smeared it further into the bright yellow hair, making a long sticky wing of mane stand up from Dinky's head. She sighed and tossed the napkin back onto the table.
Sitting back down on the uncomfortable wooden chair Luna grabbed her fork in her magic, scooped up some of her cooling dinner and got back to eating. The food was still delicious and made up for the tension, and burnt feather, in the air.
Dinky hesitantly climbed back up onto her chair, looked at her nearly demolished dinner, then over at Luna. She sniffled and said, "So… You don't make nightmares?"
Luna looked over at the little grey filly, finished chewing and swallowed before answering, "No, little one. Nightmares and dreams come from within, they are how ponies explore their innermost desires and fears." She leant closer to Dinky, smiled her most friendly smile and asked, "What is it that you are having nightmares about?"
Dinky leant away, looking up at Luna with spooked eyes and her little hooves pressed over her mouth. The scared little filly looked over the table at Amethyst, who sighed and said, "She told me about havin' a terrible dream about being an earth pony."
Derpy nodded, her muzzle slick with sauce and oil as she continued to eat.
"I know this is likely of little comfort, but the fears which cause you that nightmare are not uncommon for a unicorn whose magic has yet to blossom."
Dinky looked puzzled and mumbled behind her hooves, "Blossom?"
Luna looked at Amethyst and asked, "Is this not how it is called, nowadays?"
Amethyst shrugged and mumbled, "Dunno. Never heard of it."
Luna tsked, "A shame. No blossoming party then, I suppose?"
"Blossoming party?" Dinky smiled behind her hooves and looked up at Luna, obviously liking the idea of having a party. "You mean like a birfday party? With cake, and balloons?"
Luna smiled back and said, "Yes, very much like a birthing day party. Indeed."
A party one celebrated by taking solemn oaths, blood letting and imbibing of strong spirits. Luna well knew that such things were not considered good activities for Equestria's young now—more's the pity—so she did not bring it up. Perhaps this was the reason a blossoming was no longer observed? Perhaps it was for the best, as Nurse Trainee Pearl Singer had shared with Noctilucent a little of what she had learned about the ill effects of alcohol upon the unborn and foals.
Sensing an opportunity to both provide succour to the little foal and perhaps endear herself to both Derpy and Amethyst, Luna decided to share some of her vast experience with pony dreams.
"I have witnessed many dreams in which young unicorns find themselves hitched up to ploughs or heavily laden carts. Forced to cut acres of grain with a sickle or to buck apples from the tree. All the while being mocked by their peers for being a mere earth pony."
Dinky sniffled and nodded.
"I understand the fear of being made to work the land, as unicorns wilt beneath the heavy labour that is daily life for an earth pony. But I do not know why unicorns would mock somepony for being an earth pony. Why do you think they would do that, Dinky?"
"Umm…" Dinky's brows furrowed as she thought for a moment. "'Cause they don't have magic?"
"Oh, but that is a falsehood! Earth ponies and pegasi both have magic, but tis not the flashy spell casting magic of a unicorn. Earth pony magic is a part of them, in their very bones, muscle and sinew. It makes them far stronger than any unicorn, and they can hear the land's voice, making them gifted miners, farmers, and noble stewards of Equestria's health. Tis how they can grow an abundance of food on infertile land where a unicorn would fail and starve."
Amethyst snarkily asked, "If earth ponies are 'noble stewards', how come there aren't any earth pony nobles?"
"Because of the Revolt and Reformation approximately five centuries past. There were many wealthy, landowning earth ponies, but those who survived the revolt were stripped of titles and their domains. Even for unicorn nobility, the titles are merely that; a title which no longer grants lands or rule. Most of the unicorns in Canterlot are merely bureaucrats or teachers." Luna was grateful for the many history books she had been tasked with reading while staying with Twilight Sparkle.
Dinky tried to get Luna's attention again and blurted out, "My teacher's an earth pony."
Turning back to talk to Dinky, Luna asked, "If thy…" She coughed, "I mean if your teacher is an earth pony, how does she teach you about magic?"
Dinky shrugged, "I dunno. We just read books 'bout it. I guess?"
Amethyst said, "They teach theory in grade school and once a unicorn, uh, 'blossoms', Cheerilee sets 'em up with a master. I've been tutoring Dinky a bit too."
Luna smiled warmly and said, "Oh? That is pleasant news to mine ears, as home and hearth are so very important in the growth a young foal. I well know how important it be to have a strong sister to depend upon."
"Half-sister," Dinky insisted.
"One's half-sister is still a sister, in all ways that are important." Luna nodded to Derpy who was wiping her muzzle clean with a napkin, "I presume you are not Amethyst's mother, as you are far too young." She glanced at Amethyst and asked, "So you share a father?"
Amethyst grimaced and swallowed a mouthful of juice before saying, "He's an asss..." She glanced at Derpy, who did not look happy. "...sssault! Uh… Yeah, an assault. On, uh..."
While Amethyst floundered Derpy sighed, shook her head and said, "He's not a nice pony."
Luna nodded once and said, "Then we shall not speak of him. But be assured that it matters to me not if somepony is born out of herd, as was t'was common in my time."
Derpy looked puzzled, "'Out of herd'?"
"Aye. Mmm… What is the term nowadays? 'Out of wedlock?'"
Derpy nodded, blushing a little. "T-that sounds right."
"What's a herd? What's a 'wedlock'?" Dinky looked around the table with an adorably curious tilt to her ears and head.
Derpy leant over to ruffle her daughter's sticky mane. "Adult things, Dinky. You don't need to know about them yet." She gave Luna a look; brows lowered and giving her head a little shake.
"But…" Dinky wasn't about to let go of her curiosity that easily.
"Did you finish your homework?"
Dinky nodded and said, "Uh-huh."
"Okay! Why don't you go 'n read comics for a bit an' then I'll give you a nice, warm bath?"
Dinky grimaced at the mention of an impending bath. With a long suffering sigh she hopped down from her chair and trotted off to the bedroom she shared with Derpy.
With dinner finished, Amethyst and Derpy set about clearing away the table. Derpy enthusiastically scrubbed dishes in the kitchen's sink, making a mess that would need to be cleaned up after she finished cleaned up. She used a scrubbing brush, held in the crook of one foreleg to scrub with and placed the clean dishes on a drying rack. Where they didn't stay for very long, as Amethyst grabbed them in her magic, quick dried them with a simple domestic spell and then put them away in the cupboards.
"How's your studying goin', Amethyst? Think you'll be ready for the exams?"
Amethyst nodded while tucking a glass away and said, "Yeah, I'm gonna ace it! I gotta go to Canterlot in a couple of days. Wish I could just take 'em here."
"You'll be stayin' with Auntie Nin, right?"
"Mmmhmm. I'll be back Thursday night."
"Might I inquire as to what you are studying?" Luna asked. She had remained at the table, not certain what she should do while a guest in someone else's home. Luna was used to dirty dishes vanishing into the servant's passages, a part of the — now ruined castle — where she had never needed to venture. Should she offer to help clean? Derpy and her family were not servants after all.
"I'm doin' Crime Scene Divination at Clover College."
"Ah… Soothsaying spells and the like."
Amethyst snorted and said, "Nope! Duh. Truth spells ain't admissible evidence, so they hire ponies like me to find concrete evidence. Or at least they will once I graduate."
"Tis… I mean, that sounds to be a most noble profession. To seek…"
Amethyst cut Luna off with a bitter laugh, "Ha! You like to throw that word around a lot. 'Noble' my ass. It's the damn nobles who're the worst criminals! Rape, murder, extortion, drug dealing, black magic; oh they have it all goin' on up there in precious, pure, white Canterlot."
"Oooh, Amethyst! Keep your voice down." Derpy pressed a few damp feathers over the irate, purple unicorn's muzzle.
Luna grimaced, were things truly so bad at Equestria's capitol? Things had seemed quiet and pleasant, and she couldn't imagine her sister allowing such behaviour. There were always bad ponies amongst the ruling elite; those who abused their status and wealth. Perhaps they had become more difficult to deal with as the legal system changed over the centuries? Not permitting sooth spells in court? That was alarming news. How was justice even served now? Was garotting, drawing and quartering, and torture no longer practised? She had noticed there were no heads upon the pikes over Canterlot's gates and had thought her sister merely did not wish to get the beautiful castle's walls dirty.
"Perhaps I misspoke. Indeed, there have always been those charged with rule who abuse their position. I know little of what has occurred during Our… during my long absence, but the wicked once shook in fear of my performing justice upon them." She sighed wistfully. "Simpler times."
"Givin' nightmares to wicked ponies?" Amethyst's eyes glistened with mischief as she said, "'I know some shi… Uh…" She glanced at Derpy who was glaring at her, and at the ceiling. "I mean, a few evil ponies who'd be, uh, 'helped' by havin' a nightmare or three."
Luna smiled a cruel little smile and asked, "Oh? Pray tell?"
Perhaps now that she was walking again, she should take up that particular duty once more. She could dust off her nightmare templates and make up for her failures with Dirt Nap. It would be nice to have a victory, and driving wicked ponies into the light was usually the low hanging fruit of her domain.
Having finished up in the kitchen, Amethyst came over to the dining table and sat down opposite Luna, while Derpy went to the bedroom to check on her daughter.
"Well… There's Poppycock, who I'm sure is dealin'."
"'Deelin?'" Luna looked puzzled.
"Sellin' illegal drugs that fu… uh… mess up ponies."
Luna nodded and said, "Oh, yes. Tis certainly not the behaviour of a good pony."
"I'm pretty sure Snap Shot's been takin' sneaky photos of mares an' fillies. Y'know, of their butts n' stuff, while they're, like, out shoppin' n stuff. I think he sells 'em too."
Luna's nose wrinkled in disgust. "That is terrible, but what of the murderers, rapists and the like who you mentioned?"
Amethyst looked abashed, her ears flopping down limp. "Well… I, ah… Nopony I know is that bad, but they say Duke Star Glow murdered his first wife an' got away with it."
Luna nodded, that was certainly a serious accusation that could well do with investigating. Amethyst waved a 'come hither' hoof at her and leant across the table, so Luna also leant closer and cocked an ear.
Amethyst whispered, "And Prince Blueblood."
Luna frowned and whispered back, "What crime hath my many-times-great grand nephew committed?"
Derpy herded a protesting Dinky out of the bedroom, head bumping her rump toward the bathroom, where the heinous crime of a good scrubbing down before bed was about to be committed. Amethyst glanced guiltily at Derpy and sat back in her chair.
"Are you guys gettin' along now?" Derpy gave them a tentative looking smile as she walked past.
Luna sat back and smiled. "Aye. It seems we share a common interest; that of punishing the wicked for their crimes."
Derpy chortled nervously, "Ehee hee hee. Ok, well, I'll be back once this filthy lil filly is sparkling again." She shut the bathroom door, cutting of Dinky's whining protest.
Smiling a grim smile that boded ill for somepony, Luna leant forward again and asked, "Tell me, what crimes hath my relative committed?"
The muffling sound of the bathtub being filled with water seemed to embolden Amethyst's foul tongue. "He's an asshole! A buckin' tribalist, psycho, perv, scumbag, mare-killin' manwhore!" Amethyst panted, her face twisted with anger and her nostrils flaring, and it looked like she was eager to continue with her tirade.
Luna held up a hoof and calmly interrupted. "Aye, that sounds like Blueblood alright. But none of these things are crimes, unless 'mare-killing' is meant to be understood literally?" She wasn't certain what some of the things Amethyst had called her father were, but was little doubt that they were not compliments.
"It means he screws anythin' with a heartbeat an' doesn't care if somepony gets pregnant." Amethyst pointed at the bathroom, "He's Dinky's father. And… And he's my father. But is he here takin' care of Dinky and Derpy? Buck no! He's off chasin' his next piece of tail."
Having temporarily run out of steam, Amethyst sniffled and wiped angrily at her eyes with a crooked foreleg.
Luna sighed. If Amethyst were to be believed then her grand nephew was quite the debauch, though certainly her opinion of him must be coloured by her anger. Nevertheless... "I will have words with him about taking responsibility."
Amethyst gasped and said, "No! No, forget I said anythin'. I don't wanna have anythin' to do with him an' I know Derpy doesn't too."
The room seemed to darken as Luna leant forward to glare at Amethyst and there was a foreboding, deep rumbling sound that was probably distant thunder. Probably. "I will have words with him. Do not presume to tell Us what We may and may not do."
Feeling a sudden terror, Amethyst would have fled but under Luna's piercing glare she couldn't do more than twitch.
Luna's voice was thick with anger and threat, despite still being constrained to a melodious whisper by Twilight's spell. "Blueblood is, regrettably, a member of Our family. Thus you and Dinky are also family and I will not suffer any slight."
Amethyst moaned, "Oh, balls. Don't tell Derpy about this!" She gulped and looked away as the Princess of the Night raised an eyebrow at her demanding tone. "P-p-please?"
Luna sat back in her chair and the ominous gloom quickly faded. "I will keep your secret, but in return, I would ask that you keep mine." So saying, she recast her disguise spell and in a few moments, Noctilucent sat at the table. "The task of mine which requires secrecy is not yet completed."
Amethyst's voice wavered as she said, "Sure, you got it. Not like I'd blab that Derpy's friends with one of the Princesses anyway. Who'd believe me?" Released from the paralysing fear, she quickly got to her hooves and stumbled into the kitchen area, putting some distance between herself and Luna. After taking a moment to gather her wits, she picked up a glass carafe and started filling it with water.
"D-do you like coffee, Princess? I'm gonna be up late studying so…"
Noctilucent nodded and pondered what she was going to do to Blueblood.
The warm, burnt scent of coffee was filling the air when the bathroom door opened and Dinky came galloping out, still damp from her bath. The little filly stopped in the middle of the room and shook herself violently, causing a fine spray of water to go everywhere.
Noctilucent chuckled and hid her face behind a raised leg, thinking that she should have kept her rain repellant hood up.
Dinky blinked a few times, looked up at her and said, "Hi again, Luci."
"Hello, Dinky. Did you have a nice bath?"
Dinky frowned and grumped, "No."
Coming out of the washroom and shaking water droplets from her wings, Dinky chuckled. "Awww… We can't do a bubble bath every night, Dinky."
Noctilucent turned sideways in her chair, wincing as she had to tug her long tail halfway out of the back rungs. She leant down and looked Dinky in the eye and said, "Dinky, may I beg a favour of you? Your mama and Amethyst have both promised to keep it a secret that I'm actually Luna and I was hoping you might do the same. Tis very important to me."
Head cocked to one side, Dinky asked, "Why?"
"I am on a very, very secret mission in Ponyville. So I have to wear this disguise."
"Ohhh… Like when Daring Do snuck into the Temple of Zombies disguised as a mummy?"
"Umm… Yes, I think." Luna had no idea who this 'Daring Do' pony was, but she was quite certain that wearing a disguise would be of little use in combating the undead. It wasn't like they actually used their eyes when hunting their prey.
Dinky giggled and said, "Ok! I won't tell nopony."
"Thank thee… you, Dinky." Luna returned the sweet little filly's grin and sat back up, feeling very relieved. From the moment she had revealed her true identity she had been worrying about this, that her 'vacation' was abruptly terminated. Now, not only was she able to continue, but she felt a renewed sense of purpose and was looking forward to investigating and potentially punishing the ponies that Amethyst had spoken of. Except for Prince Blueblood. She was not looking forward to opening that jug of worms.
She smiled at Derpy, who had her forelegs wrapped around Amethyst, giving her a 'thank you' hug. The grey pegasus was plainly overjoyed that dinner with her new friend had turned out alright in the end.
"I believe I should be going, as my shift at the hospital will begin soon. Thank you for the delicious dinner. I will make a point to task the castle staff with preparing 'stirred fry' in the future."
Derpy smiled, blushing a little at the compliment and asked, "Can't you stay for coffee and ice cream?"
"Ice cream!" Dinky leapt up into her chair, tongue hanging out and her tail wagging with excitement.
"Nae, I apologise for my unseemly haste. But I must be away." Noctilucent reluctantly slid out of her chair, regretting not being able to stay for coffee but she would stop on the way to the hospital to pick up a frappa-whatever to compensate for the loss.
Derpy walked her to the doorway at the top of the stairs and gave her a hug. Which Noctilucent hesitantly returned.
"I hope you can come for dinner again, Luci." Derpy squeezed Noctilucent and flapped her wings a little.
Noctilucent patted her back, down below her wings and nodded. "I would like that very much."
After she got to the bottom of the stairs Noctilucent turned and waved to Derpy, flipped up her hood and stepped out into the cold drizzle.
Three days after the Running of the Leaves, Clickspring decided it was time to deal with the soggy mass of leaves which clogged the water mill's sluice. Most of the leaves shaken from the trees had either blown away or been compacted into a stable sheet on the ground by the heavy rains which had followed the contest. So there was little worry that the sluice would become clogged again before winter arrived and froze everything solid. There were only a few weeks left where he would have power for the machines in his shop before winter put a halt to any work that required his lathe, drill press, or other water powered shop equipment.
While he could get similar equipment powered by magic installed it would be expensive and, he felt, would take some of the charm out of it. Ponyvillians did love their charming backwardness, Clickspring included.
Fortunately, he had help this year, so it should only take a single day to deal with the mess. While he raked leaves and twigs up out of the sluice channel and onto the bank, Dirt Nap was loading the heavy, sodden mess into a cart so they could be taken away.
Dirt Nap was resting, sitting down next to the cart, while Clickspring used a wooden rake, held in his forelegs, to pull chunks of leaves up from the sluice. Turning from the water channel and grunting he plopped the rake down atop a growing mass of leaves, which were in turn on top of a large metal shovel, which Dirt Nap would heave up into the cart once it was full.
"Clicky… Y'all know about magic, an’ stuff, raight?"
Clickspring paused and propped the head of the rake against the ground, leant up against it and spent a few moments catching his breath before answering. "Well, yeah, I know a bit. Why?"
Rubbing his chin with a hoof, Dirt Nap looked thoughtful and asked, "Ah was wonderin', 'bout the Festival. Ah know that with the pegasus Festival it's all up in the air like, an’ so no earth ponies or unicorns end up at it. An’ you unicorns cast some kinda spell 'round yer own Festival t'keep everypony but unicorns out. But us earth ponies ain't got no magic an' we don't fly, so what keeps anypony but an earth pony out of the earth pony Festival? Y'all could just walk on in if'n y'felt like it."
Clickspring gazed over at the very attractively sweaty stallion and said, "There is magic involved, even though earth ponies don't have horns. You know, your tribe and the pegasi do have magic, but it's much more subtle than what my kind does. The Festival itself is magic, one that comes from everypony, no one actually casts it. It just is. It's a part of all of us."
Warming up to the topic he sat down and wiped sweat from his forehead with one of his fetlocks.
"I studied this way back when I started having issues with going to the Festival. The magical call which makes a Festival's tribe horny as Tartarus has the opposite effect if somepony from any other tribe gets near. They'd not only lose interest in making the beast with two backs, they'd feel horrified by the idea. Disgusted. There's also some kind of confusion magic which makes it impossible for them to find the Festival's location." He shrugged and said, "I suppose somepony could carry them in, but they would not be happy to be there."
Dirt Nap grunted and said, "Must be kinda hard on mixed tribe couples."
Nodding, Clickspring looked sad. "Oh, it is. Been there, done that. I hate the whole Festival thing, not just because of my, ah, problems. It doesn't promote inter-tribal unity at all, the way it messes with ponies relationships. Makes me a bit surprised that Equestria has become so well integrated. At least with modern prophylactics, everypony can choose who they want to have foals with. No more forced tribal breeding within the tribe if they don't want."
Clickspring stood up, scooped up the rake and leant out over the water to gather up another chunk from the mat of leaves. When that rakeful was deposited on the shovel, Dirt Nap wrapped his forelegs around the handle and with a grunt he hefted it up into the almost full cart. Leaving the shovel atop the dripping mound, he walked around to the front of the cart and slipped into the harness. He had to lean into it to get the cart moving, especially with the two wooden wheels sinking down into the soft, lumpy grass next to the channel. There was just enough room between the sluice and the forest edge for the cart. After moving ahead a couple of meters, he stopped, ducked his head out of the harness and walked to the rear of the cart, lifted down the empty shovel and placed it on the ground.
Clickspring struggled to dump a the particularly large rakeful of leaves he had gathered while Dirt Nap was moving the cart. "W-why did you want to know about… About the Festival magic, anyway?" He panted a few times, before turning back to the sluice.
"Well… Ah… Ah, kinda like this unicorn ah met. At the Back Passage."
Clickspring looked up at him from where he was splashing around in the water with his rake and asked, "Oh? Anypony I know?"
Dirt Nap pouted, looked away, and after a few moments said, "Frostbite."
Clickspring chuckled and went back to playing 'capture the leaf'. "I thought I saw you carrying him around on your shoulders on the dance floor. He's a fun guy, and drop dead gorgeous." He grunted and hefted another rakeful out of the water, turned and dropped it with a splat onto the shovel. "So…" He spent a moment catching his breath. "You're gay then?"
Shaking his head Dirt Nap mumbled, "Ah don' know. Maybe? Ah figure all know f'sure after the Festival."
"Are you looking forward…" Clickspring grunted as he hefted up another chunk of sodden leaves. "...to it? Should be any day now."
Dirt Nap snorted and nodded. "Yep. Ah'm impatient now, ah wanna get it done already. Listening to you all at the therapy sessions an' goin' to the Back Passage; it's really helped. Ah really owe you, an’ the rest of the group."
Another pile of leaves splatted down onto the shovel and Clickspring tossed his rake onto the ground. "You don't owe me anything, Nap. It's like giving a gift, you know? You should only hope the other pony is happy with the gift. That's it. You're happy, I'm happy, everypony is happy. Ok?"
"But ah…"
"Shush! No buts. Besides, you're being a good friend, helping me out with this…" Clickspring waved a hoof at the cart load of muck. "...so let's not bring debts into this, ok? Let's just be friends and leave it at that."
Dirt Nap nodded and said, "A'right." He hefted up the shovel and heaved the contents into the cart.
"Good! Well, I think we should get this load to the compost heap and grab lunch."
Dirt Nap headed to the front of the cart again and slipped into the harness, while he strained to get the cart moving Clickspring stood up on his hind legs and pushed on the back. Once it was rolling he trotted up to the front, squeezing between the foul smelling cart and the forest. It was a long haul to the public compost heap on the south side of Ponyville, but at least there were plenty of places to stop on the way back to get lunch.
As they walked along, side by side, Clickspring reflected on the value of friendship. He was certainly a happier pony since he'd started to go to the group sessions, and with a burly stallion like Dirt Nap to help he would get the mill up and running again in no time.
Life was better with friendship.
Author's Note
This chapter.... UGH! This chapter has taken forever to write. But I'm finally satisfied with it, more-or-less. :pinkiesick: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/pinkiesick.png
Please let me know if you spot any issues. Merci.
Edit: Updated with suggestions from Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament).

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                  12 - Lost in the Stacks                  
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12 - Lost in the Stacks
Noctilucent arrived to prepare the lounge for the group session and discovered that Pinkie Pie had gotten there first. The excitable mare had party-a-fied the room.
There were balloons, streamers and festive paper decorations hanging from the ceiling, all with a distinctly apple-oriented theme. Noctilucent wasn’t certain what to make of this development and gingerly tip-hooved into the room. She had noticed that all of the earth ponies had been behaving a little strangely since the festival, so it was perhaps only reasonable that Pinkie’s general oddness was drawn a little tighter.
“Ummm… M-Miss Pie. Why…?”
Pinkie finished sticking a colourful streamer in place across the lounge’s cabinets and flounced down into her usual seat on one of the couches.
“Why? Why what, Nurse Luci?”
Ignoring the incorrect title Noctilucent waved a hoof, taking in the room. “Why t-this?”
“Oh, just a little post-Festival festivity.” Pinkie’s closed-eye smiling face beamed at her as if daring Noctilucent to question Pinkie’s happiness.
“Al-alright…”
Noctilucent sat, took out her notepad and spent a few minutes making notes of Pinkie’s behaviour and mood, while Pinkie bounced on the couch and hummed a happy tune.
As each pony arrived for the session, Noctilucent made note of their reactions to the highly decorated room. Clickspring smiled at first, then looked apprehensive. Fluttershy merely hopped up onto the couch and hugged Pinkie Pie, so perhaps she had known this would happen. Or at least wasn’t surprised that it had. Dr. Cake did look surprised, but then shrugged it off and gave Pinkie a wry smile as he took his usual seat.
It was Dirt Nap’s reaction that was the most telling: The same kind of surprise that every other pony (aside from Fluttershy) had displayed, but as he focused on the apple themed decorations his ears went back and his face flushed. Noctilucent didn’t think he was embarrassed, but happy? Pleased? Excited? Something was going on there. After he sat down across from Pinkie Pie, Noctilucent observed Pinkie Pie give Dirt Nap a broad wink while holding her hooves over her muzzle and giggling. Dirt Nap’s throat bobbed as he swallowed loudly. Now he appeared embarrassed. Her pen scribbled a note.
Dr. Cake coughed and cleared his throat.
“Hello, everypony. I hope everyone had a good week and for those of us who were there, I hope you enjoyed the Festival.” He looked over at Dirt Nap and his brow furrowed with concern as he asked, “Did you manage alright, Dirt Nap? I saw you there; running around and looking very upset. Did something bad happen that you’d feel comfortable discussing with the group?”
The questions hung in the air while Dirt Nap rubbed his hooves together nervously and stared off into space.
After a few moments, Clickspring nudged him with a poke of his magic. “Dirt Nap?”
Dirt Nap jolted and sat up, making the couch rock a little under his bulk. “Huh? Oh, what wus that again?”
Dr. Cake asked, “Did you enjoy the Festival?”
“Oh! Oh, yeah. Ah had a great time, thanks.” Dirt Nap smiled broadly with his eyes half closed and murmured, “It wus wonderful.”
“Oh! Good, very good. I was worried about you, but it sounds like things worked out then.” He turned and asked Pinkie Pie, “How about you, Pinkie? I didn’t see you on stage when the Contest ended. Didn’t want to be Princess three years in a row?”
“Mmm… nope! Well… Yep! I did wanted to. More than ever! Nopony’s ever been Princess three years in a row! Buuut something even more smileableicious came up and it was so, so, so much better.” She hummed happily to herself.
“That’s good. I think,” said Dr. Cake. “My wife and I had a good time as well. Just spending an evening together away from the foals was a blessing.” He chuckled and said, “Anyway, we probably shouldn’t dwell on the Festival anymore. How is everypony else doing? Fluttershy, did you make any progress on your date?”
Fluttershy shook her head and curled up a little smaller on the couch.
“None at all?” Dr. Cake held up a hoof to forestall Pinkie Pie. “Please, Pinkie. I’d like to talk about this with Fluttershy rather than hear it from somepony else. It’s important that she discuss this with the group, or not if she doesn’t want to.”
“Oh, ok.” Pinkie settled back down and rested one of her hooves on Fluttershy’s back and gently stroked her soft mane.
“Umm… Well…”
Everypony was quiet and their ears were perked up as Fluttershy whispered, “H-he came by my house. S-Star Hunter. And… and I hid.” She sniffled and squeaked.
“It’s quite alright, Fluttershy. You made great progress when you first approached him to discuss going on a date. I’m certain that with the support of your friends and our help you’ll continue to make progress.”
Fluttershy made a polite little nod but didn’t appear to share in the doctor’s confidence.
Dr. Cake returned her nod before turning to Clickspring and asking, “And how are your lessons going, Clicky?”
Noctilucent’s ears pricked up.
“It’s going ok. I guess.” Clickspring shrugged, “I’m not great at most of the lessons and we’ve had to skip a lot of stuff that I can’t do at all. But I am learning some new spells so I can’t complain.”
“You are getting out more as well? Spending time with other ponies?”
“Uh, just with Rarity I guess. We meet a couple of times a week for lessons. Sometimes her little sister shows up as well.”
Dr. Cake nodded and said, “Good, good. I would like to see you become even more social, but this is a good start.”
Repressing a sigh, Noctilucent wrote a few terse notes to be added to Clickspring’s case file. She agreed with the doctor’s assessment; that this was a reasonable start, but there was more that needed to be done. She worried that once Clicky’s lessons were completed, he would go right back to being a recluse once more. And they hadn’t even begun to address his issues with more intimate relationships.
Dr. Cake smiled warmly and said, “Good. I’m happy that you’re making progress in your magic training and that you’re engaging with another pony. However, I think all of you could be doing more to work through the problems that brought you to these sessions.” He sighed and rubbed a hoof over his balding head, “That’s at least partly my fault for being so distracted by the Festival. But now that is over for the year, I’d like to be more active in helping each of you.”
Dirt Nap, Clickspring and Fluttershy all looked nervous. Which only made sense as nopony really enjoys confronting their issues. Pinkie Pie didn’t seem any less cheerful, however.
“I’m very happy with how our homework assignments went and I’d like it if we could do that again, but this time I’d like for each of you to think of an assignment to give to yourself.” Dr. Cake waved a hoof as he continued, “Not right now. Just, think about it until we have our next session and we can discuss your ideas then. Alright?”
Dirt Nap held up a hoof and said, “Ah don’t think ah’ll be comin’ to sessions nomore. You all done cured me of why ah needed yer help.” He smiled and ducked his head shyly. “Thank y’kindly, everypony.”
“Wooo! Can I bring out the cake now? Can I? Can I? Can I?” Pinkie Pie clapped her hooves together and bounced excitedly.
Dr. Cake chuckled and said, “Oh, sure. Why not? If no one else wants to bring anything up, we can make it a short session.”
Suddenly there was a large cake box on the table. Noctilucent must have blinked because she knew it hadn’t been there a moment earlier and other than a pink blur nothing else in the room had moved. She had seen similar acts of earth pony magic in the past, albeit used for more violent and deadly purposes, but Pinkie’s skills were most impressive. If it were not for Pinkie’s personality she might make a good candidate to consider when re-founding the Lunar Guard.
“TA DAHHHHhhhh!” Pinkie opened up the cake box to reveal a large, rectangular cake covered with wide stripes of orange, chocolate and strawberry frosting. After giving everypony a few moments to admire her work, she began slicing it up and dishing it out on apple themed paper plates.
When she handed Dr. Cake his slice of the multi-layered cake, Clickspring asked, “What kind of cake is it?”
“It’s apple cake on top of chocolate rocky road cake and another layer of apple cake on the bottom.” Noctilucent saw her give a very broad wink to Dirt Nap.
“Oh, I’ll have to pass then. No apples for me.”
“Awww… I guess Apple Adapter Cake isn’t for everypony.” Pinkie grinned wickedly as she handed an extra big slice to Dirt Nap.
Far down the side of the Canterhorn, many meters below Canterlot palace, below the noble households, below the condominiums of the nouveau riche, the apartment buildings, the jewellery shops, the art galleries, the museums, the bakeries, the… Far below everything that made up the public face of Canterlot lived the lesser branches of Equestria’s government. Squeezed into small valleys and perched on cliff ledges, haphazard office blocks provided working and living spaces for ponies on their way up the political ladder or who had slid down a political snake.
Sitting at her well-worn desk Minty Treacle wielded an “APPROVED” rubber stamp with a furious energy. Her horn lit up with soft blue magic as she alternately smacked the stamp into an ink tray and smashed it down on an approved expense requests. The meter tall stack of papers to stamp was slowly giving way to her youthful enthusiasm.
“Minty!”
Minty turned to the door of her supervisor’s office, just behind her desk, and called, “Yeah, boss?”
Minty giggled as the older unicorn sighed and shook his head. His almost whined as he trotted over and complained, “Please cease to call me that! Why is it so difficult for you to say my name?”
“Sorry, bo… Uh… Mr. Gleam.”
He spluttered, “B-But that’s even worse! The manner in which you speak it makes me sound like a kitchen cleaning product.”
Minty couldn’t help teasing such a stuffy and ‘proper’ unicorn. Even his black and white coat made him look like he was wearing evening dress at all times, which perfectly matched his snooty attitude. The white ‘monocle’ patch around his right eye didn’t help with that impression at all.
“Fine! Fine. You may continue to refer to me ‘the boss’ then." Gleam’s magic deposited a thin folder of paperwork next to the stack of approved requests. “Once you have finished with the approved expenses, I require that you to deal with these contested ones. I will be in my office…”
‘No, you won’t.’ thought Minty.
“...please see to it that I am not distur-GAH!” Gleam yelped as a unicyclist rode past his office door, briefly interrupting his retreat from Minty’s desk. The clown was so intent on riding and keeping the red balls that she was juggling in the air that she didn’t notice Gleam’s furious glare as he stalked into his office and slammed the door shut.
Minty giggled and turned back to her desk. She returned to rubber stamping the approved expenses and a few minutes later she felt a quick tug and swish of the local field as her boss teleported.
‘Oh well, at least the rest of my day will be quiet. Sort of.’
She looked across the open-plan room, past the desks where other ponies had their heads down over their own stacks of paperwork. The dusty windows showed a mostly clear, blue sky with a few fluffy clouds adding texture. Minty longed to be out there. Sipping a coffee and relaxing, not shuffling papers and trying to tune out the fools.
A dozen clowns were busy making a pyramid right in front of the double-door entrance, making life hard for page ponies trying to use the door. It was the worst possible place to build a precarious pile of painted ponies, which was of course why they were doing it.
The unicycle-riding clown wobbled up to her desk and said, “Hey, Minty. Three more days! That’s what my weather pony contact told me this morning. Just three more, so keep. It. Up!” With each word she allowed one of the rubber balls she was juggling to bounce on the top of Minty’s desk, rubber ball stamping the folder her boss had dropped off.
Minty groaned and replied, “It can’t come soon enough! Ok, well, scoot. We both have work to do.”
The unicyclist snorted in amusement and pedalled off, purposefully hip-checking the stack of accepted requests as she pedalled away. Minty easily caught and steadied the papers in her magic and groaned again when the circus band in the corner started making various honky, squeaky and almost musical sounds as they warmed up.
She banged her head against her desk and considered breaking into her boss’s office. It didn’t seem fair that he had an office he hardly ever used and she was stuck out here with the rest of the paper pushers and the clowns. Two dozen desks, a few shelving units, filing cabinets and an entire circus-load of clowning and comedy acts. Then again she’d only been an intern here a month and the boss had worked here the entire four years that the Ministry of Unicorn Apprenticeship Administration & Supervision had been ‘temporarily’ co-located with the Royal Fools & Incontinent Dwarf Guild Ltd.
When the crash cymbalist started tuning his obnoxious instrument, bashing the two halves together repeatedly, Minty decided she’d had enough.
She scooped up the thin folder of expense requests and retrieved her courier bag from under the desk. The stapled on receipts fluttered and crackled like a paper wing as she stuffed the folder into her bag. Two rubber stamps and ink pad joined it and she fast trotted for the front doors while slipping the bag around her neck. She squeezed past the wobbly stack of clown ponies as one of the dwarfs struggled to climb to the top. The brazen opening notes of Here Come the Clowns chased her out the door.
Apples weren’t usually used as weapons. You ate them. Juiced them. Baked them.
Throwing them was pretty far down on Applejack’s list, but right now, apples were the ideal missile.
“G’wan! Git! Y’cuss headed horny foal!”
She wasn’t throwing them all that hard. Just enough to sting a little. And they were just windfalls, nothing that would ever make it to market. She grabbed a couple more out of a basket and tossed them in Dirt Nap’s direction.
He’d stopped to look back at her with a powerful hurt look in his eyes. One of the apples whipped past his ears, making him blink, and he squealed when the other one smacked his rump. He turned and galloped away.
Applejack sniffled and rubbed her nose before turning away to get back to work. The leaves weren’t gonna move themselves out from under the trees after all. She scooped up a rake from where she’d dropped it on the ground and looked up at Big Mac. Her brother just looked at her with an accusing look in his eyes, while the paintbrush he held in his mouth dripped watered-down white paint onto the ground.
He didn’t say a thing, didn’t need to. Applejack’s cheeks flushed red and she turned away a got back to raking leaves away from the tree with furious energy.
With a sigh and slight shake of his head, Big Mac went back to painting the trunk of the apple tree. A thin layer of white paint would help protect its bark from the winter’s sometimes harsh sunlight.
“Aaaaaplejack! What did ya go n do that for?” Applebloom trotted over, carrying the bouquet of flowers that Dirt Nap had dropped when he was run off. She plunked herself down but Applejack didn’t look up from where she was angrily thrashing a pile of leaves with the rake.
Applebloom snuffled at the bouquet and said, “He seemed real nice.”
An annoyed grunt was the only answer that Applejack made.
“Is he comin’ back? Is he yer special somepony? Did y’meet him at the Festival? Did y’kiss him?”
“Applebloom!”
Big Mac leant around the trunk of an apple tree and drawled, “Eeeyup.”
Whirling back to face Big Mac, Applejack spluttered for a moment before yelling, “Y’all talk too much!” She threw down her rake and stomped off towards the Sweet Apple Acres barn, a dark storm cloud rapidly forming over her head.
Even with her ears plastered back against her head, she could hear her little sister peppering Big Mac with questions. “Whut’s wrong with Applejack? Wus it somethin’ ah said? She gonna be okay?”
“She ain’t being honest with herself is all.”
Minty splashed some water on her muzzle and rubbed at her face. Looking in the mirror she stuck her tongue out and then gazed into her eyes. The looked a lot redder against her pale green hide than they had any reason to be. A quick brush through her tan and brown striped mane, a touch-up to her makeup and she was ready to get going.
She trotted through the cafe, where she’d spent the last half hour sorting through the contested expense requests, and out into the narrow, cobbled street. Most of them were obvious scams or simple typos to correct, but there was one left that she’d have to visit another department to sort out.
Minty was certain she could stretch that task out for the rest of the work day. Plus it entailed a ride on the funicular! She pranced happily and half of her wanted to gallop to the station, but she had all day to kill and drawing out the anticipation was its own kind of pleasure.
Page ponies carrying scrolls galloped or swooped past her, scurrying around to keep the ink blood flowing through Equestria’s ancient bureaucracy. The Fall Rush was in swing. When the winter weather arrived—in three days, if the unicycling clown could be trusted—the narrow cliff-side streets would be too dangerous. Even for unicorn hooves with traction spells. The high winds and snow would ground all but the hardiest of pegasi. The bureaucracy would hibernate with only the most basic services maintained through the cold season.
For today though the streets were dry and Minty’s scenic amble to the station was relaxing. She loved the mountain views and the crisp, clean air. She snorted and giggled at the puffs of steam that shot from her nostrils. On her left were various offices built against and into the cliff, a narrow cobbled road beneath her hooves, a short stacked stone wall on her right was all that kept a pony from the sheer drop and a glorious view across Equestria.
Minty pranced down a long ramp, past a row of merchant accounting firms and into the station.
She spent a few minutes in front of the district map to figure out that she needed to get to Kinship Station, one level up. The steel framed station building was mostly made of glass, like somepony had set a greenhouse on the side of the mountain. It was a sharply angled parallelogram in shape and sat at an angle, following the slope of the cliff face. As most of the waiting passengers were down at the bottom, Minty trotted up the stairs and found a completely free doorway up at the top.
There was a pegasus couple waiting at the door next to hers. The mare wore a sling across her chest that had a tiny foal tucked into it, just the pretty pink face poking out and staring around with wide blue eyes. Minty couldn’t help cooing and waving to the little munchkin. The mama pegasus smiled while the stallion tried to take a photo of the approaching funicular carriage.
Clanking and groaning loudly it rose up from below, hauled up the mountainside by a pair of thick steel cables. There was a loud bang from the locking brakes as it came to a halt, startling the infant who started to cry. The station and carriage doors both opened with a hiss. Minty stepped to one side as a page colt bolted through the doors and galloped down the stairs.
‘Crazy foal,’ thought Minty as she stepped into the carriage.
The interior was divided into separate wooden booths, angled the opposite way from the slope of the car so that the floors in the booths were level. Minty sat on one of the two benches and scooted all the way over to the large window opposite the door.
The doors shut with a hiss and with a shudder the carriage slowly began moving again, rising up out of the top of the glass station. It was relatively quiet inside of the booth, just a quiet clacking from the brake gears and a few whimpers from the foal in the booth next to hers. Minty had only a few minutes to enjoy the beautiful view of the mountains before the carriage entered a dark tunnel. Gemstones glowed inside of the carriage along the tunnel walls, casting a warm, ethereal light inside of the carriage.
A few minutes later they rolled into Kinship Station, which was a subway buried beneath the streets of Canterlot.
Ten minutes of trotting through echoing underground passages later and she was standing outside the entrance to the Canterlot General Hospital & Ministry of Health offices. The staff entrance that is; there were many public entrances to the above ground building. Minty always used this way as a shortcut into the administrative belly of the beast.
But there was a toll to pay for such passage. The guardian of the gate must the appeased before somepony with technically no authorisation to be there would be admitted. Minty held up the treasure chest, slowly opening the lid so that the guardian could select his tribute.
“Aw yea… Baaston creme! Ma fave!” The elderly guard levitated out one of the pastries and waved Minty through the door. “Ga head, Minty.”
Two more guard and two more doughnuts later, Minty had infiltrated into the very heart of the ministry’s bureaucratic maze. Popping her head through the open door of Legal Services she was surprised to find only one mare in the office. A mare who seemed to be losing a frantic battle with the pneumatic message system.
“Hi! I…”
“AUGH!” The poor mare practically jumped out of her skin and whirled around on her chair to face Minty. “What? Who?” There was a loud PHOOMP sound from the pneumatic tube and she whipped back around, almost knocking a half dozen massage tubes off of her desk in her rush to retrieve the newly arrived one.
Minty coughed and said, “Sorry. Uh. Where is everypony?”
The other mare grabbed a message tube, rolled up some papers, roughly shoved them inside, quickly slid the tube into the pneumatic pipe and pulled a lever to send it on its way. She glanced over at Minty. “What? You’re still here?”
“Where is everypony?”
Reaching for another tube the mare waved a hoof in the air and almost yelled, “Stacks! All hooves on deck! And I’m stuck here dealing with…”
PHOOMP!
“Augh!”
Minty shoved a powdered, jelly-filled doughnut into the mare’s open mouth. She seemed frazzled and everyone loved doughnuts, right?
“Thank you!” Minty chirped as she headed out the door.
One more guard defeated with a doughnut later and she was wandering through the hospital’s file stacks, munching on the final doughnut as she searched. There were a lot of ponies in the confined spaces between the row upon row of filing shelves. Some of the shelves rolled on tracks along the floor and made crashing sounds as staff ponies moved them from place to place. More ponies scurried to and fro with stacks of files and forms. Everypony looked super busy, so Minty tried not to get in the way.
She finally spotted a familiar dark red furred rump with a gold belt buckle, stuck up in the air as the rest of her fillyfriend’s body was crammed inside the bottom drawer of a dusty old filing cabinet.
Minty licked the last of the frosting and sprinkles off of her muzzle and sang, “Hiii Jadie!”
There was a loud BANG from inside of the cabinet drawer that Jade had crawled halfway into. She cursed and slid out, ending up sat sprawled in the aisle, rubbing her head and groaning as she looked up at Minty.
“What do you need, Minty?”
Minty giggled and said, “What? Not even a ‘Hello, Minty’? ‘How are you, Minty?’ Can’t I just drop by to visit a friend?”
Jade ran a hoof through her dark green mane and only made it more dusty and tangled. “No. Not during Fall Rush and you never visit unless you need help. So. What is it this time?”
Sensing that she really should make this quick so Jade could get back to whatever frantic busy-work her fellow intern had been saddled with, Minty took out the expense request and said, “I need a copy of a T.C. test that was done in Ponyville, on a pony name ‘Clickspring’.”
“Submit form TC-111 stroke B and somepony will send your department a copy, Minty. It’s not that hard.” Jade scrubbed her forehooves together, trying to get the dust off of them.
“Noooo! I want to get this done today, Jade! Going through channels will take forever, especially with the Rush. This poor mare…” She glanced at the form, “...‘Rarity’ won’t get her money until next year and I only need a copy which you can get printed off in just a few minutes.”
“Uh huh. And your boss will get pissy if you don’t clear all your paperwork before the Rush ends, right?”
She leant in closer to Jade, pouted and made big puppy eyes at her. “Please, Jade? Pleeeeeeeeease?”
Jade slide the drawer shut with a bang and grumped, “Fine! Fine. But after I help you do your job, you have to help me with mine. A’right?”
“Ummm… What is it you’re doing?”
Jade stood up, shook herself and angrily kicked one of the shelves. “Gathering up old patient files for shredding. Three years of legal school and I’m a garbagepony for Celestia’s sake!”
“The glorious lifestyle of an intern.”
Jade snorted and shook her head. “What was the name of the pony you need the T.C. for? ‘Click-something?’”
“Clickspring.”
“Ok, section ‘C’ is this way.”
It was a long hike through the Stacks to get to the right section. With every medical record of every pony who had visited a hospital in Equestria in the last fifty or so years, there was an entire forest of trees laid to rest within the bowels of the Ministry of Health. Jade commanded various shelves to rearrange themselves by stroking on trigger stones attached to the end of the shelf. Had she been a unicorn rather than an earth pony, she could have orchestrated their dance using just magic. Canterlot was an equal opportunity employer and was very careful to ensure that all facilities were available to all tribes as well as any non-pony staff. Few though they were.
Keeping out from underhoof, Minty stood in a small nook between stacks of cardboard boxes, while Jade grabbed a ladder and trotted off between a canyon of shelves that she had parted. A few minutes of precarious perching on a ladder later, she returned with three folders.
Jade spread them out on top of one of the dusty cardboard boxes and swatted Minty’s grabby hooves away.
“Hey! Ministry’s eyes only, Minty.”
Minty sat back and rubbed the hoof that had been unjustly swatted. She pouted and asked, “So, which one is it? My ‘Clickspring’ lives in Ponyville.”
“Give me a minute.” Jade picked up a folder and awkwardly flipped it open, “Nope. This one’s living in Fillydelphia.”
Minty leant up against Jade’s back and shoved her snoot over her shoulder so she could see into the folder as well.
Jade rolled her eyes, set the folder aside and opened the next one. “Vanhoover.”
The third folder had gone yellow and brittle with age. She carefully opened it and said, “Nope. Canterlot and he’s been dead for thirty-four years.” Being a lot less careful she tossed the final folder into a bin of similarly decrepit paperwork.
Jade gathered up the folders and slipped out from under a disappointed Minty. While she trotted off to go re-file the folders, Minty tried to think of other places they could look. She wasn’t going to give up that easily.
When Jade came back she asked, “Could someone have taken his folder out or something?”
“Nope. They would have left a card behind in the filing cabinet.”
“Anywhere else it could be?”
“Umm… I can’t think of anywhere, sorry Minty.” Jade gave Minty a shoulder bump as she walked past. “Come on. We have a date with several tonnes of dead files to shift.”
Minty tried to think of anywhere else they could look as trailed behind Jade through the maze of shelves. Poor Jade didn’t seem to like any of her ideas though.
“Maybe it’s misfiled? We could look through all ‘C’ couldn’t we?”
“That would take days, Minty.”
Minty gestured at one of the pages that scurried past them in the narrow hall. “Could one of them have it?”
“There’d be a card in the filing cabinet if they did, Minty.”
“Maybe it’s been put in with the stuff to be shredded?”
“Nopony is that clueless, Minty.” She heard the other mare mutter something to herself but couldn’t make out what it was.
“We could look?”
“No, Minty!” Jade abruptly turned around, pressed her nose up against Minty’s and in a tense voice she said, “We looked, it wasn’t there and now I need your help to get caught up on the work I should have been doing. Ok?”
Minty pouted and in a little voice she said, “Ok.”
Jade turned back around and they continued their trek back to where she’d been sorting out old files. After walking quietly for a few minutes Jade said, “Look. I’m sorry we couldn’t find the file, but it’s not like I work back here all the time. I really don’t know where else we could look.”
“S’okay, Jade. I just feel bad for her is all.”
“‘Her’ who?”
“Rarity. The unicorn who took on Clickspring as an apprentice. I mean, she’s nice enough to teach a disabled colt and now she’s going to be screwed on account of lost paperwork. She’s spent all these bits to help somepony and now she won’t get her refund until next year.”
“Oh.”
Minty scuffed her hooves on the floor as she walked along behind Jade. “I feel bad for the colt too, ‘cause if nopony finds his paperwork he’s going to have to re-do his tests. And that must be kind of sad ‘cause he’s so weak. I hope the other foals don’t laugh at him too much.”
Jade groaned and said, “Fiiiine. Follow me, I’ll see what I can do.”
Minty’s ears perked up. “Really?”
“Yeah, I’ve heard that there’s some ‘lifers’ who work in the basement. One of them might know where to look. Come on.”
Several staircases later they arrived in a dimly lit and cool hallway that had been carved into the rock of Mount Canterhorn many, many years ago. The floors above this one were technically underground but they were not cut through natural rock like this passage. They had been built up using landfill as a way to extend the natural shelf that Canterlot was originally built on.
Minty wasn’t certain if it was the lower temperature of the air, the dim lighting or the higher than normal magical field but she could feel her fur all prickling up. She shivered and pressed up close beside Jade, who also seemed a little out of sorts.
“W-Where do we go from here?”
Jade looked down the hallway and shrugged. “Beats me. I’ve never been down here before, but there should be a loss management department or something.” She slowly walked into the hall and gestured at one of the doors, “Take a look at the office name plates. Look for something like ‘lost records’ or something.”
Minty nodded and bravely started walking down the corridor, reading the nameplates on the other side of the hall from where Jade was investigating.
“Department of Megalithics.”
“Ministry of Magical Maladies.”
“Ministry of Preposterous Gaits.”
“Cutie Mark Oversight - Canterlot Div.”
“Ministry of “ She blinked and looked a little closer, but couldn’t make out the rest of that ministry’s name as it had been crudely scratched off of the metal plate. It probably didn’t matter as that door was also boarded up and looked like it hadn’t been opened in many years. In fact, none of these various ministries and departments seemed to be open. The frosted glass panels in each door were dark, so Minty imagined that the rooms beyond them were not lit. There were no other ponies at all in the hallway; none of the ubiquitous pages dashing around with paperwork, and certainly no old ponies of the Stacks.
“Psst. Minty.” Jade whispered—for some reason—and waved at a door that was further down the hall. “I think this is it.”
Minty tip-hooved over and read the door’s sign, “Department of Lost & Found?”
Jade nodded and said, “Pretty much describes what we need, right? Finding something lost?”
The door’s window was dark, so Minty just barged on in expecting an empty office. It was dimly lit, but it was far from empty. Stacks of folders filled the room, mountains of yellow and dusty paper as far as her eyes could see. Which wasn’t very far. There was just room inside the door for Minty and Jade to squeeze their way inside.
There was nopony to greet them. No sounds of anypony working in the crowded space at all. It seemed more like they’d entered a storage closet than a departmental office.
“H-Hello?” Jad was whispering again and Minty rolled her eyes. That was not how you went about getting attention.
“HEY! WoooOoooo…! Anypony here?!”
There was nothing but silence in reply.
Minty opened her mouth to suggest that they look in one of the other offices when there was a very loud and phlegmy sounding snort from somewhere behind the piles of folders. They waited as a slow clip-clopping of hooves approached and a very long, very grey face peered around a mesa of papers at them.
Minty wasn’t certain she had ever met somepony who's colouring was as washed out as this old unicorn stallion’s. Calling him ‘grey’ was an understatement. He looked like an old black and white photo of a pony that had been left out to bleach in the sun: a matte grey coat, lighter grey mane and even his half-lidded eyes were a washed out, almost-white colour.
“Mmm… May I help you? Mmm…?” Even his voice was a grey monotone, deep and sonorous.
There were only two ways Minty could respond to such an utterly colourless apparition: Respect or denial.
Minty was always big on denial.
“Hiiiiiiiiii!” she chirped, “O.M.C! I’m so, so happy to meet you! I’m Minty and this is my pal, Jade! We’re really happy that somepony’s here ‘cause we need help finding a patient’s file that’s lost somewhere. Maybe in here? Can you help us?” She felt a bead of nervous sweat roll down her forehead as she pasted an I’m-not-really-scared grin on her muzzle.
The stallion’s wrinkled, old eyes blinked slowly but otherwise he didn’t react.
“Hello…?” Great. Now she was whispering too.
He sighed and in a very disinterested tone he said, “Mmm… yes. Yes, I can help you.”
He turned and started walking away, so the mares ducked around the misshapen stack of folders to follow him. Minty had an unfortunately great view of his bony rump and noticed that he had a very strange looking cutie mark: a “0” lying on its side with a pillar in front of it. It was dark grey, almost black but not quite.
The mounds of paper which hemmed in the door really did fill the entire room, having swallowed up several desks, chairs and the corner of what was probably a pinball machine. It reminded Minty of the time she’d visited a glacier on a class trip a few years ago; layers and layers of deposits, slowly swallowing up everything in the room. Eventually, they stopped in front of a wall which had a series of shallow shelves bolted to it, and on each shelf was, of course, stacks of paper.
Minty was going to ask if the stallion could start with the helping at some point, but he held up a hoof when she opened her mouth. He squinted up at the shelves, reading the faded notes that were taped to it. She glanced over at Jade who shrugged and sat down next to her.
“Ah.” The stallion’s magic reached up and grasped a pale pink sheet of paper from one of the stacks and levitated it over and into Minty’s hooves.
Minty looked at the form he’d given her and asked, “What’s this?”
“Mmm… T-45a. Request for Intervention by the Department of Lost & Found. Mmm...”
Minty sighed heavily and reached into her satchel for a pen. “More paperwork. Great. So, I fill this in and you’ll help us?”
He nodded and droned, “We are so obliged.” Pointing at a slot in the wall he went on, “Deposit when filled. Mmm... You will be mailed a queue number slip. Office hours are from 11 A.M. to 3 P.M. on weekdays. Mmm... Failure to appear when your number is called will terminate your request. Failure to provide your queue slip will terminate your request. Failure to provide a signed T46 form will terminate your request. Mmm... Good day.”
Minty grabbed his tail as he started to wander off. “Wait, please! How long will this take?”
His pale eyes didn’t exactly glare, as such, but Minty got the point of his very unimpressed look and let go of his tail—which rained several hairs onto the floor.
“Mmm… A few days. No more than a fortnight. Mmm… Perhaps longer due to the Fall Rush. Please note that we are closed during winter. Good day.”
Minty spluttered, “B-but this is an emergency! I have to get this poor mare’s reimbursement out today!”
Jade leant in close and whispered, “Really, Minty? It’s not that big of a deal.”
Minty pushed her muzzle away and shushed her.
“Mmm… Emergency Disbursement of Funds?”
That sounded hopeful so Minty asked, “Yes?”
Another form was floated down and into her hooves.
“Mmmm… You will also need the ER12 - Request for Expedited Release of Crown Funds. Get it authorised by the Crown Exchequer and bring it when your queue number is called. Mmm... Good day.”
The ER12’s three pages landed in Minty’s hooves and she wanted to scream, tear the forms up and throw the pieces into the air. But, no, that wouldn’t help at all. Minty wasn’t a great wizard, but she knew enough that ripping up forms and flinging them around wouldn’t make the missing folder magically appear. Damn it. So she just sighed, folded up the forms and tucked them into her bag, she’d get through it, it was her job after all. But she didn’t have to like it.
“Fine. Fine! No happy Hearth’s Warming for Rarity, she’ll have to wait until spring to get her money back. Poor Clickspring will have to suffer through having his tests done again if we never find his folder. Great. Just perfect.” Sometimes this job just sucked a whole lot of sweaty donkey balls.
She turned to Jade and grumbled, “Ok. I give up. I’m yours for the rest of the day so let’s...”
“Mmmhrmmm…”
Both mares turned to look over at the grey stallion.
“‘Clickspring’, you say? Mmm…?”
Minty nodded.
“Come.” He stood up and with more energy than he’d shown previously he marched head first into the shelves. Or would have if the shelves hadn’t suddenly glowed and parted in the middle, sending a few pastel coloured forms fluttering through the air.
Minty stood for a moment, stunned by this sudden change, but quickly got her hooves into gear. She wasn’t certain what was going on, but even if this didn’t go anywhere it was certainly more interesting than shovelling old, dusty folders into a bin. Jade apparently agreed and trotted along after her.
A short walk down a dark hallway and they found themselves in a room straight out of a gentlecolt’s club. Rich, dark wooden panelling on the walls, thick purple carpets underhoof, a glistening chandelier overhead and an arrangement of comfy looking sofas in front of a fireplace. Classical music for a string quartet quietly played. Minty wondered how in Equestria they had a fireplace this far below ground, the chimney must be stupidly tall!
As they followed the now energetic stallion into the room a voice called out from one of the plush chairs. “Quire! What’s the hurry?”
“Mmm… Hello, Gloaming. I have a Class B to sort out.”
“Class B?!” A familiar black and white stallion abruptly sat bolt upright, slopping a little brandy out of the glass snifter he was levitating. Mostly onto himself.
“Mr. Gleam!” Minty squealed!
“Minty?” He pointed a moist hoof at her and yelped, “What’s she doing here?” Jade trotted out of the dark hallway and he shook both hooves in their direction. “What are THEY doing here?! Quire! Have you lost your mind?”
The grey stallion—Quire—huffed impatiently and said, “Class B, Gloaming.” He used magic to open a cabinet that stood next to the fireplace and after a moment of searching, he turned around to face Minty. He held a dark orange folder in his magic.
“Miss Minty. Mmm... I believe this is the patient folder you are looking for. ‘Clickspring’ wasn’t it? Mmm…?”
With a little prance, Minty gushed, “Really? O.M.C! That’s awesome! Thank you, Mr. Quire!”
He chuckled at her excited little dance and said, “Mmm… Well, I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to give this to you.”
“What? Nooo… But it’s right there? Why not? Can’t I just have a copy of the T.C.? Please?”
Quire wiggled the folder and smiled, which strangely wasn’t a very comforting sight as only his mouth moved and it bunched up the wrinkles on his muzzle in a disturbing way.
“Mmm… You have something I want, Miss Minty. Perhaps we can mmm trade?”
Jade barked a laugh and said, “I think he means the reimbursement forms, Minty. I bet he doesn’t want to spend weeks in request form Tartarus trying to get a copy either.”
Quire’s creepy smile drooped and he nodded. “That is the case. Mmm… I’ll show you mine if you show me your’s, Miss Minty. Mmm…?”
Minty shuddered at the horrible image that her gutter of a mind sprang on her. She shook her head slightly to clear it. Technically she could get in a lot of trouble sharing her department’s files with him, but then again he was taking the same chance. Wasn’t he? She nodded and reached into her satchel.
“You got a deal.”
As she opened the orange folder Jade leant up against Minty’s side, so she could have a peek. There were only a few pages to look at, apparently arranged in reverse order by date. The first page was a confirmation from Ponyville General Hospital that they had triple-checked their T.C. testing equipment and everything was functioning normally. The next page was a letter from a specialist in Canterlot General requesting the re-check. The final page was Clickspring’s T.C. test results.
Not being a medical pony of any kind, Minty had no idea what she was looking at. She flipped the test results over and checked the back for any notes or clues about what made this into an ominous sounding ‘Class B’ file. Whatever that meant.
“Go back!” Jade tugged the T.C. test out of her magical grasp and flipped it the right way up again. “Huh! Somepony’s running a scam here.”
Minty looked at the page but it still didn’t mean anything to her. “What? Where?”
Jade’s hoof tapped one of the figures on the page and she said, “T.C. of 104 percent? That’s impossible.”
“What? It says 10.4 on his Apprenticeship papers.”
“Like I said; somepony’s running a scam.”
“Mmm… Indeed something most peculiar has occurred here.” Quire held out a hoof and Minty handed him back the patient folder. Hooves weren’t strictly necessary as they were both unicorns, but it was a common gesture for ‘give me something’. Minty held out her own hoof and waited.
But Quire just slipped the expense request into the folder and levitated it away.
“Hey!”
“I am sorry, Miss Minty but this is out of your hooves now. Mmm...”
“You jerk!” Minty scowled and her horn lit up brightly as she tried to grab the folder, but her attempt slid off of the much older unicorn’s tightly controlled magic aura. “I trusted you! Why does everypony in admin have to be such a scumbag?!”
“Mmm… Gloaming?”
Gloaming looked over from where he was sipping on a fresh snifter of brandy. “Yes, sir?”
“Draft a withdrawal of Crown funds for a Miss Rarity. 1,250 bits. Mmm… Have it in tonight’s post to Ponyville.”
“Yes, sir.”
Gloaming started to get up but Quire waved at him to sit. “Finish your brandy first, young colt. Mmm… There’s still time.” He turned back to Minty and asked, “Is that acceptable? Mmm…?”
Minty blinked a few times and then nodded. “Y-yeah. Uh… thank you and… Sorry for calling you a jerk.”
“Not sorry for calling me a ‘scumbag’? Mmm…?”
There was that creepy, wrinkly smile again. Minty shuddered.
“Mmm… I believe the phrase is ‘No worries’? Mmm…? Now if you’ll excuse us?” Quire gestured to the hallway they’d entered the concealed sitting room from.
“What’s going to happen to that little colt though? What’s a ‘Class B’?”
“Mmm… That would be telling.”
“Yeah, that’s why I was asking.” Minty huffed, “Really, what’s going to happen to him? I hate the idea that he’s going to get into some kind of trouble. I mean the poor little guy’s disabled, right?”
Jade poked her in the ribs. “Minty. Did you even read the apprenticeship papers? The guy’s, like, older than your sire.”
“What?! Really?” Minty shrugged and said, “Well, whatever. Nopony should be in trouble because of some weirdness their T.C., right?”
Quire rubbed his chin with one of his hooves and asked, “Mmm… You truly care about this pony’s fate, do you?”
“Yeah, I mean. He and this Rarity lady are kind of clients of mine. I feel like I’ve gotten to know them while we’ve been sorting all of this out.”
Jade giggled and said, “Oh yeah, you’ve gotten to know old man Clickspring real well, filly.”
“Oh! Hush you!” Minty pressed a hoof over Jade’s muzzle and glared at her. She needed to make better friends.
“Mmm…” Quire seemed to ponder things for a few moments while gazing at the two mare’s antics. “Mr. Clickspring isn’t in any trouble, Minty. Mmm… But he will be brought here for re-testing.”
Jade asked, “Brought? As in yer gonna sick some guards on him and drag him in in chains? I mean. 104 T.C.? You’re gonna need some serious restraints if he is some kind of freak superpony, right? That’s what a ‘Class B’ is right? A threat level? Who are you guys? You’re not just some kind of Lost and Found are you?”
“Mmm… That would also be telling. Mmm… but, no. No guards. We will politely invite Mr. Clickspring to attend additional testing. Mmm…”
Gloaming’s empty snifter clinked as he placed it on a side table. “If he refuses our polite invitation, then we send a less polite invitation with some guards.” He hopped up from his comfy looking chair and walked over to where they were standing and waved a hoof at them.
“All right, fillies, it is high-time for you to get back to work. This matter is closed and you should not have been here in the first place.”
Jade looked like she wanted to argue about this, but Minty was feeling a little spooked about how casually these stallions were tossing the whole ‘guard’ thing around. She’d had a few run-ins with Canterlot’s strong hooves and was in no hurry to see the inside of a cell again.
Plus she didn’t want to look lazy in front of her boss. He’d be writing her review after the Fall Rush after all.
She hopped up and turned to go, “Ok, we’re going. Thanks for helping me, Mr. Quire.”
“Mmm…”
Jade caught up to her as she was trotting down the dark hallway. She leant close to Minty and whispered, “Why are you so eager to get back to work?”
Minty glanced over her shoulder before replying, to check that the two stallions weren’t following them. Keeping her voice down she whispered, “Those guys scare me and, well, my job’s done so I just want to get out of here. Ok?”
They both jumped as the wall of forms crashed closed behind them.
Jade pointed to a gap in the piles of folders. “It’s that way. I think.”
Minty nodded and they began threading their way back to the door. After a few minutes, she asked, “Want to go grab a bite to eat? Not hospital stuff, something worth eating.”
“Are you treating?”
“Sure. Thanks for helping me with all of this.”
Jade chuckled, “You’re welcome… but you’re still helping me shift all the dead files.”
“Awww…”
Author's Note
Whew... More characters to introduce in this chapter, but in a good cause; furthering Clickspring's T.C. sub-plot. I like Minty. :twilightsmile: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png
As usual, please let me know (PM ideally) if you spot any issues. Mareseed.
Edit: Now with a butt-load of edits courtesy of Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/223593/Cross+Lament).

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             13 - The Legend of Nightmare Moon             
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13 - The Legend of Nightmare Moon
Renting a costume for Nightmare Night had gone very well, by Noctilucent's reckoning. The only costume shop in Ponyville was mostly empty shelves and hangers by the time she had ventured through its door, but despite this, she had found suitable garb.
The simple Roanan tunic of blue cotton that she wore was technically intended for a stallion and her wearing it would have marked her out as a slattern back in the day. But the purple stola and matching limbus draperies hid most of the tunic and were for a mare of imperial class. Honestly, it was a mish-mash of period fashion and stagecraft fancies. If only she were willing to visit Canterlot she could have adorned herself with actual Roanan jewellery from her collection of keepsakes, but they would also have been far above the means of a simple medical intern. The costume jewellery would suffice.
She let herself in through the outside door of Derpy’s shared house and paused for a few minutes to cast an eye over her costume and touch a hoof to her mane. At least that and her tail were in fully authentic Roanan style; both were braided and tucked up into mounds atop her head and rump.
Noctilucent sniffled, coughed a few times and then trotted up the stairs. She knocked at Derpy’s door and when the door opened she was confronted by the most adorable little timberwolf pup that she had ever seen.
“Rawr!” Dinky growled up at her and sat up to wave her twig covered legs. Small wood claws attached to her hooves pawed at the air.
Noctilucent giggled as Derpy walked over, similarly costumed as a timberwolf. They both wore home-made suits of light green fabric that a collection of branches and twigs had been laced onto. Wooden wolf face masks completed their ensembles.
“Hi, Noctilucent! Woah, you look amazing!” Derpy’s costume clattered against her daughter’s as she petted the little wolf’s head.
“Th-thank th… you.” Noctilucent blushed a little and said, “You are both looking v-very fierce this evening.”
Derpy giggled and then barked a few times, which set Dinky off making adorable little barks of her own. Noctilucent couldn’t help laughing along with them as they trotted down the stairs together.
“Is A-Amethyst not coming?”
Derpy shook her head and said, “She’s already gone out with her friends. We might run into her though. Why?”
“No r-reason.”
Noctilucent had visited the small family several times now for evening meals. While she got along very well with Derpy and her foal, Amethyst remained distant. While she had no expectation to befriend everypony, Noctilucent was annoyed that her attempts to strike up conversations had been rebuffed. Even the small gift of a book did nothing to soothe the young unicorn’s ire. Perhaps it was for the best that Amethyst absented herself.
They walked out to the street and the overcast night. Celestia's sun had just set and her moon would still be down low on the horizon, hidden by buildings, trees, and the clouds. If it were not for the street lamps, Ponyville would have been plunged into darkness. Pitch dark shadows lurked down every side street, ready to spring forth if the magical lighting should fail. It created a suitably spooky atmosphere. A few ponies trotted past, heading for the town square. Not all of the adults were in costume, but every foal that Noctilucent saw was dressed as a monster or fanciful character. She had learned a little about the festival that memorialised…? Celebrated? That celebrated one of the most horrible events in her life, but it seemed to Noctilucent that the townsponies must know very little about the real event. She wasn't certain if she felt more insulted or relieved.
Mistress Sparkle had offered her books about the what and the why of Nightmare Night, but Noctilucent had shied away from reading them. But she couldn't close her ears to the idle chatter of her co-workers and friends. For them, this was a simple party, and she would not enlighten them with a first-hoof account. She felt a coward for doing this, hiding from what she had done and taking advantage of their ignorance, but the alternative was surely exile. She loved her false life in Ponyville too much to risk it.
They met up with several of the neighbourhood parents escorting their foals. The little ones were extremely energetic; commenting on one another's garb, trying to frighten one another and babbling in high spirits about the candy they would gather. The parents were much calmer and Noctilucent received several compliments on her own attire.
The cool and humid air made her nose run. Sniffling and coughing a little, Noctilucent wished she’d thought to tuck away a muzzle tissue somewhere in her costume.
It seemed like almost every foal in Ponyville was milling about in the town square, with a smattering of adults to watch over them. A stage had been set up at one end of the square and it, like everything else in town, was covered in spooky decorations. White bones of skeletons, spiders in their webbing, glowing pumpkins with fanged mouths carved into them, the outlines of bats, paper ghosts and the like adorned every surface. Nopony aside from very young foals seemed at all frightened by any of this and the square was filled with idle chatter and laughter.
Noctilucent certainly was not impressed with the ‘frightful' decorations. She had known real terror in the waking world and had experienced many warped and twisted visions in the dream realm. Yet for some reason, she felt on edge.
“Noctilucent?”
“Y-yes, Derpy?”
Derpy waved with a wing to where her foal was goofing around with a few other youngsters, growling and pouncing at them. “I’m gonna take Dinky and her friends around town to get their treats. Wanna tag along?”
Noctilucent nodded and followed behind the grey mare as she herded the youngsters together and off down one of Ponyville’s many residential streets. Her moon had risen enough that pale moonlight shone through artfully arranged gaps in the clouds, casting pale patches through the town. As she walked through these pools of light, Noctilucent felt her malaise fade a little. They went from door to door, pausing to give each foal a moment to receive a small treat. Every so often thunder would rumble from above, but Noctilucent knew that there was no fear of it actually raining. It was just the weather team working hard to make the night as spooky as possible.
Since Derpy and another adult pony named Rose were kept busy by the foals, Noctilucent just walked along with the group, silently enjoying the night. Late fall was her favourite time of the year with its cool weather, the scent of dead leaves in the air and the feeling that the entire world was settling in for a long sleep.
Their little herd of foals reached the northern edge of town and began making its way back to the town square.
“It’s not fair!”
Noctilucent’s ears flicked as she heard a filly’s voice whining from behind a hedge.
Being careful to walk quietly and suppressing the urge to sniffle, Noctilucent made her way to the hedge and peered over it. Sitting behind the hedge, doing a poor job of concealing themselves, were a pair of fillies. Both were wearing princess costumes, including mock horns and wings. One was a lovely light pink colour and wore very good imitations of Celestia’s golden regalia, they might even have been made of gold. The other was a pale grey and had Princess Cadence’s more minimal golden regalia along with a large pair of glasses perched on her muzzle.
‘Celestia’ waved at a basket of eggs that sat in the grass and whined, “What am I supposed to do with a dozen rotten eggs now?”
Noctilucent smirked as she imagined her big sister whining so petulantly. No, dear Tia was far too self-controlled for whining.
The ‘Cadence’ filly shrugged and said, “I don’t know, Tiara. Umm… maybe we should just throw them away?”
“Throw them away?!” Tiara stamped one of her little hooves, “No! I spent weeks finding them all. Do you know how many gross chicken coops I had to make Snips and Snails crawl into?”
“But they don’t want to egg Mr. Clickspring’s house either, Tiara. Not with him being so nice this year.” The grey filly suddenly perked up and said, “Hey! I know! Let’s throw them at the Crusader’s clubhouse!”
“Oooo…!” Tiara rubbed her hooves together, with a demonic grin on her muzzle she said, “Get the basket! Let’s go teach those blank flanks a lesson!”
As the fillies approached the basket one of the eggs on top quivered and burst, showering its noxious contents over the area behind the hedge. Gobs of pure stink splattered across their surprised faces.
As they ran away wailing, Noctilucent snickered quietly and with an another flick of her magic she teleported the basket away to the Everfree forest. At least she had gotten one trick in this evening and hopefully taught those bratty mock-princesses a lesson in the bargain. She wondered what Clickspring ‘being nice’ meant.
When she rejoined her own little herd of foals she overheard them expressing surprise that the clockmaker was handing out candy this year. So, being ‘nice’ meant behaving like a normal townspony. Good! Noctilucent smiled at this evidence that her patient was coming further out of his shell and integrating himself into the community.
She knocked on the door to Clickspring’s shop. It opened immediately and Noctilucent found herself facing the Grim Reaper.
"Here you… Oop!" Clickspring leant the scythe he'd been holding up against the wall and then pulled the papier mâché skull mask down so that it hung around his neck on its string. "Hello, Noctilucent. Wow! You look…" His wide-eyed look and flustered inability to speak clearly said more about how he thought she looked than mere words would have. Clickspring glanced away and a moment later a small bundle of four lollipops, tied together with a bow, wobbled into view.
His ears flicked underneath the black hood he was wearing as he wiggled the small bundle of lollipops. “Uhh… Treat for you?”
“No, th-thank you.” She smiled and nodded, “I like thy garb as well, Pale Horse.”
Clickspring chuckled and said, “Thanks. It seemed appropriate, you know? Time takes everypony in the end.”
“I gather that you u-usually do not dress up for this night?”
“No. But you and the doc said I should try to, you know, join in more. That and I’m fed up with cleaning egg off of the windows.”
They both had a bit of a laugh at that and Noctilucent said, "Yes, I imagine t-that would be tiresome. Well… I had best be g-going. There are colts and f-fillies waiting to meet the Grim Reaper after all. Will I see you at the town square?"
Clickspring shook his head and sighed. “No. There’ll be too many ponies for me. Have a good time, Noctilucent.” He turned to pass out bundles of candy to the next group of foals as she walked away.
“T-take care, Clicky.”
It took her a few minutes to catch up to Derpy, Rose and their little herd of foals. Many of the children were singing as they made their way back to the town square.
♫ Nightmare Night!
What a fright!
Give us something sweet to bite! ♪
The sweet voices raised in exuberant sing-song should have lifted anypony’s spirit, but Noctilucent still felt out of sorts. A dark, anxious mood which the festive atmosphere failed to banish. The cursed sniffling and tickle in her throat did not help. As they entered the crowded town square she glanced around to see if there were any threats nearby. She felt her head go a little swimmy and the singing distorted as though coming down a long tunnel. Something was definitely wrong.
Closing her eyes and bracing her legs in order to steady herself, she quickly cast a simple detection spell. One that should reveal any being that held malicious thoughts in their mind. It didn’t reveal any obvious threats, but this did not set Noctilucent at ease as there were ways to conceal oneself from the simple spell. There were a few hints of beings that harboured dark thoughts, but only the usual envies, fears, dislikes and such that were common in any pony village.
“Luci?”
Cancelling the spell, Noctilucent opened her eyes and looked down at Dinky. The filly rested a wooden paw on Noctilucent’s leg and asked, “Are you ok, Luci?”
The dizziness had passed and though the feeling of foreboding remained strong, Noctilucent nodded. “Y-yes. Thank thee… you… for your concern, little one.”
Derpy trotted over, balancing a small tray with three mugs on her back. Steam rose from the mugs, filling the air with the scent of apples and spices. They sat together for a little while, sipping the warm apple juice seasoned with cinnamon, cloves and orange peel. Ponies and foals wandered around the square, playing games, eating, drinking, laughing and chatting.
Noctilucent teleported their empty mugs and the tray back to the vendor, which earned her a wide-eyed admiring stare from little Dinky. They wandered around the square, weaving through the crowd and playing some of the games. As she still was not feeling well, Noctilucent volunteered to keep an eye on Dinky’s bag of treats while she and Derpy tossed spiders, bobbed for apples and catapulted pumpkins to their doom. None of which had anything to do with Nightmare Moon, much to Noctilucent’s relief.
One of the games was simply called The Castle. Only foals were allowed to play, so Derpy sat with Noctilucent near the entrance to a small, two-story fort built of hay bales and wood. The game was a mix of hide-and-go-seek and tag: one foal was ‘Nightmare’ and would count to twenty while the other foals hid in the castle. ‘Nightmare’ would then roam the hay halls, calling out anypony that he or she spotted, but they could be tagged out if somepony snuck up behind and touched them.
It was the ruination of the Castle of the Two Sisters, played out in miniature by gleeful foals. Celestia’s final stand when Nightmare Moon’s fell army had breached the castle’s inner ward and stormed the keep. Noctilucent remember stalking through the cold stone halls, seeking her sister and those loyal to her. Only instead of calling them ‘out’ she would torture and murder them with horrifying spells in an attempt to lure Celestia out of hiding for the final confrontation.
The playful cries of foals echoed strangely in her ears as her vision became blurry.
“Ponies of Ponyville! May I have your attention please.”
There was a moment of metallic feedback over the PA speakers which made Noctilucent fold her ears flat. Everypony in the crowd turned to look towards the stage set up in front of the town hall, where a spotlight illuminated a mare.
Noctilucent wiped at her eyes with a foreleg, clearing away unshed tears. She sniffled, swallowed and tried to recover from her memories by focusing on the stage. The mare waved a hoof and spoke into the microphone. “Thank you, everypony, and welcome to the Nightmare Night festival!”
As she spoke the foals who had been playing in the Castle came galloping out. Dinky ran over to her mother and grabbed up her sack of candy in her mouth before trotting off towards the stage.
Derpy stood up and turned to Noctilucent and said, “Come on, they’re about to… Are you ok?”
‘Honesty, Luna. Tis best to be honest with one’s friends.’
“I am feeling a little p-poorly.” Noctilucent stood up and started walking towards the stage and Derpy fell in to walk beside her. “I s-shall be alright.”
“You sure?”
Noctilucent nodded and smiled wanly at her concerned friend. Anything that would keep her from dwelling on a past she did not want to relive would be most welcome. Once they were a little closer to the stage she could more clearly see the costume that the spotlit mare was wearing. She was some kind of undead creature with her limbs painted so that she appeared to be stitched together from variously coloured parts of several ponies. Her black mane was mounded up very high over her head and had wide streaks of white on either side. Noctilucent didn't recognise the costume but found it more comedic than terrifying.
The mare, who she now realised was Mayor Mare, waved her orange and green forelegs in a dramatic fashion. "Now, all the little ponies who have been out collecting sweets should follow our friend Zecora—"
She gestured to the centre of the stage where curtains at the back parted and a thick, glowing green fog billowed forth. A pony walked out from the sparkling fog. At least Noctilucent assumed that they were a pony; most of them was covered in long, feather-like leaves which had been painted black and white and a carved wood mask of a raptor's hooked-beak covered their muzzle.
As Zecora walked to the front of the stage, Noctilucent noticed the black and white stripes on her forelegs. She was a zebra! Once she realised this it became clear what Zecora's costume was; an impundulu. A blood-drinking, immortal and quite evil creature from Zebrica.
“—to hear the legend of... Nightmare Mooooon!” The mayor wrapped up her introduction by making ‘spooky ghost’ sounds as she stepped off-stage.
Noctilucent grimaced and stepped a little closer to the stage. While she wasn’t feeling well and already besieged by memories, hearing what modern ponies knew about Nightmare Moon might be enlightening. If nothing else it could be another iota of penance for her crimes.
Zecora stepped to the edge of the stage and in a rich, warm voice she said, "Follow me and very soon, you'll hear the tale of Nightmare Moon." With a fluttering of leaf-feathers, she hopped down to the ground and walked out of the town square, heading for the nearby forest. It wasn't the dangerous Everfree, but still looked threatening beneath the dark clouds and shafts of moonlight.
The gathering of foals trotted after her, accompanied by a few adults. Noctilucent trailed along behind them with a worried looking Derpy by her side.
“P-please relax, my friend. I am feeling better now.”
That was a bit of a white lie, as Noctilucent was still feeling a bit dizzy and anxious. Being brought near to tears had made her damnable nose even more watery than before. She sniffled repeatedly and was slow and careful with placing her hooves as they fell further behind the group of foals.
Derpy didn't look convinced but nodded. "Okay… I hope this stuff doesn't upset you, Pri… Uh… Noctilucent."
There was a flash of green light from up ahead and though Zecora’s voice was muffled by the forest, Noctilucent could hear her clearly.
“Listen close, my little dears, I’ll tell you where you got your fears.
“Of Nightmare Night, so dark and scary. Of Nightmare Moon, who makes you wary.”
Shifting to a trot so she wouldn’t miss out on any more of the story, Noctilucent entered a small clearing in the forest. The town’s pegasi had cleared away a wide opening in the clouds overhead, allowing the bright moon to shine through and illuminate the clearing. Feeling the cool, silver light against her hide made Noctilucent shiver as the moon’s energy trickled through her sweaty body.
There was more than enough light to see the gathering of ponies at the other end of the clearing, where Zecora waved a hoof and caused glowing green fog to boil up into the air.
“Every year, we put on a disguise, to save ourselves from her searching eyes.”
Ignoring the illusion show, Noctilucent stared at the statue that was illuminated by the glow. It was not accurate, but it did capture some of how she had looked during her transformation into Nightmare. While most of the time she had worn armour and the statue was dressed merely in regalia, the artist had captured Nightmare's slit pupils, fanged maw and furious expression.
It was a curious sensation, looking at what she had been. Regret over what she had done, fear of it ever happening again and also a longing to feel that powerful once more. Noctilucent was tired of feeling so weak, with her connection to the moon all but severed. Nightmare Moon was a horror, but she had been strong and confident.
“But Nightmare Moon wants just one thing: to gobble up ponies in one quick swing!”
“What?” Noctilucent gasped quietly, “I n-never…”
Derpy placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder and quietly said, “It’s just a story for the foals.”
“Hungrily, she soars the sky. If she sees nopony, she passes by.”
Noctilucent grouched, “Just because somepony grows fangs…”
“Shhh…”
Noctilucent settled down and watched as Zecora manipulated the green-glowing fog into taking the shape of Nightmare Moon. The apparition stalked around the clearing as if looking for something, giving the foals a quick look over.
“So if she comes and all is clear, Equestria is safe another year!”
Setting a small basket down next to the statue’s plinth, Zecora waved a hoof to the slightly frightened colts and fillies. “Fill up her belly with a treat or two, so she won't return to come eat you!”
In ones and twos, the foals approached the basket, selected a candy from what they had gathered and made an offering to the statue of Nightmare Moon. A ritual that was as old as ponykind; sacrifice to appease evil spirits.
The clearing slowly emptied as the foals and adults made their way back to the town square after making their offering. Noctilucent leant close to Derpy, swaying a little on her hooves and asked, "I-is that it?"
Derpy nodded and waved to her foal as she trotted over, the bulk of her candy haul still held tightly in her mouth. “Uh huh. I’m glad it didn’t upset you.”
"There was little to b-be upset about. The statue is m-most impressive, but otherwise, all of this had n-nothing to do with… With what h-happened."
“What did happen?”
Noctilucent looked over at her friend and saw only curiosity in her misaligned eyes. While she was not eager to discuss her fall into darkness with her friend, perhaps here again honesty would be the best thing?
“P-perhaps another time. Tis… It is not something a foal should hear.” She sniffled and turned her head to cough.
Derpy adjusted her daughter’s wolf mask and nodded. “Okay. Well, if ever you wanna talk about it I’m all ears.” She stood up and said, “Let’s get back and get some food. Some real food! You’re not just gobblin’ candy, little filly.”
“Awww… moooom!”
"Come on, sweetie. I'm sure they have corn on the cob. You love corn on the cob." Dinky nudged her daughter and they started walking to the path back to the town square.
Noctilucent slowly stood up and the dizziness wasn’t too bad, so she started after her friends. Some food might settle her insides. Something to soak up the acid and spice of the mulled apple juice. She hadn’t walked more than a few strides when Zecora stepped in front of her. The zebra held the offerings basket full of candy in her mouth, which she set down in front of Noctilucent.
“This basket of treats was left outdoors, but I feel in my bones that it truly is yours.”
Noctilucent’s eyes went wide with shock and she opened her mouth to speak, but she was overcome with a powerful coughing fit. By the time she reopened her eyes the eerie zebra was gone. After hawking and spitting into the bushes, Noctilucent shrugged and picked up the basket in her magic. There was little she could do except hope that Zecora would keep whatever she knew to herself.
Long tables had been moved into the middle of the town square by the time Noctilucent arrived, and Derpy waved to her and patted the open space on the bench she was sitting on. The tables were crowded round with seated townsponies and Noctilucent saw that Dinky and Amethyst were sitting opposite Derpy.
Amethyst was wearing a blue tweed coat, a black scarf and a strange, grey wool cap the like of which Noctilucent had never seen before: a dome with a brim at the front and at the back, with cheek flaps that were tied up with a small bow at the peak. The front of her purple mane had been dyed or painted white and she had a pipe in her frowning mouth.
She used her magic to take the pipe out of her mouth and she waved the mouthpiece at Noctilucent. “You have been getting into the spirit of Nightmare Night, even trick-or-treating I see. Aren’t you a little old for that amusement, hmmm?”
Noctilucent sighed and then coughed a little, politely holding a hoof in front of her muzzle as she lowered the basket down amidst the platters of food on the table.
“It was a g-gift. Of sorts.” She nudged it closer to Amethyst and said, “Please h-help yourself.”
Amethyst cocked an eyebrow, popped her pipe back into her mouth and puffed at it. There was no smoke as it was unlit and didn’t even appear to have anything in the bowl. Noctilucent took her place on the bench, Derpy on one side and an unfamiliar stallion on her left. She closed her eyes and sagged a little bit, grateful to not be standing on her own hooves and dealing with feeling like she might tip over at any moment. The dizzy spells were annoying and something she would need to look into. Tomorrow. Tonight she would just enjoy the company of her friends.
“Want some corn, Noctilucent?”
Her eyes opened and she smiled and nodded to Derpy, who placed a steaming cob of corn on her paper plate. Several minutes were spent with ponies around the table passing platters of food around. Despite thinking that a decent meal would help, Noctilucent's appetite deserted and left her with no desire to eat. The rich scent of the corn, potatoes, salad, sauces and slice of pumpkin pie made her feel a little nauseated. Guzzling the mug of cider would only make her dizzier and, on an empty belly, would have further consequences in the morn. Even conversation was denied as every other pony was busy filling their bellies, so she just sat and sipped a little cider.
“You are sick, Imperatrix.”
Noctilucent blinked her gummy eyes and looked across the table at Amethyst. “S-sorry. What?”
The purple mare dropped a stripped cob of corn onto her plate and then waved her pipe, using the stem to point at Noctilucent. “You are dressed as a matron of ancient Roan and purple is reserved for the royal family. Hence ‘Imperatrix’,” Amethyst grinned wickedly and said, “Though I suppose ’Princeps’ might be more fitting. Your condition is betrayed by your pale ears, sweaty hide, wavering posture and lack of appetite.”
She sat up straight, tossed her white-maned head and gazed at Noctilucent with a cool expression. "I, Silverlock, the greatest mind Equestria has ever known, deduce from my observations that you are either hungover or suffering from a malady."
Noctilucent thought that the whole act was completely ridiculous; not just the over-the-top acting but the notion that a princess could fall ill? Never. She hadn't been sick for hundreds of years, not even counting her time in the moon. Princesses just did not suffer from common sickness. Hexes, magical enervation, psychosis or the kind of spiritual interference that had led to Nightmare Moon, certainly. Violence and ill-wrought magic could affect an alicorn, but not common fevers or infection. Nonsense!
Noctilucent opened her mouth to refute the claim when she saw it standing behind Amethyst.
Midnight black armour that seemed to suck in the torchlight. Spikes and cruel curves of metal arcing like jagged scimitars from every edge. A silver crown rested atop the black helmet and green, cat-slitted eyes glowed within.
Amethyst’s amusement with teasing the princess-in-disguise vanished when she saw Noctilucent’s annoyed expression suddenly turn into unbridled terror.
“No!”
It wasn’t a scream so much as the gasping denial somepony would make after being punched in the gut. Noctilucent half-stood, half-fell off of the bench in a desperate struggle to get away from whatever she’d seen. Feeling a cold chill run up her spine, Amethyst turned to see what was behind her.
It wasn’t even sompony in a scary costume. Just a tall, mostly-black mare dressed up like a firepony; heavy jacket, helmet and big boots.
Derpy’s cry made Amethyst turn back around. “Noctilucent!”
Derpy had hopped up to fly after Noctilucent, who had stumbled a few steps away from the table and was throwing up, head down and making some really nasty splattering and choking sounds. Several other ponies at the table were staring over at them, a mix of amused and disgusted expressions on their faces. Amethyst looked down to see how Dinky was doing. Whatever this was it had to be pretty stressful for the young foal.
Dinky was standing up on the bench, hooves on the table and staring over at her mother and Noctilucent. Her plate had three chewed-bare cobs and the partial remains of a corn cob that she’d been savaging.
“Hey, kiddo. You ok?”
Dinky turned her head and gave Amethyst a wide-eyed stare. Her mouth hung open with pulped corn sitting on her tongue, so Amethyst chuckled and closed it for her with one of her hooves. “Gross! Swallow, kid.”
After swallowing, Dinky asked, "What's wrong with Luci?"
“I think she’s just sick. Flu or something. She’ll be alright. Remember when you had the flu last year?”
Dinky nodded and made a disgusted face, her little muzzle wrinkling up.
“Yeah. Not fun, but she’ll be fine.” Amethyst hoped. Much as she disliked the Princess and everything she represented, she wasn’t so heartless as to wish for anypony to get sick.
“Amethyst!” Derpy called. She was holding a foreleg against Noctilucent’s forehead and looked very anxious.
“Yeah!”
“We need your help.”
Amethyst sighed and started to get up from the table. “Grab your candy, Dinky. I think the night’s over for us.” Great. Just perfect. So much for her plans to go tavern hopping with the girls. Stupid, sick Princess.
It was not easy getting Noctilucent home, but between herself and Derpy they managed to keep the wobbly mare on her hooves. Noctilucent kept muttering about “The Night”, how sorry she was and sometimes even crying a bit. Getting her up the stairs required every ounce of Amethyst’s strength with levitation, as she was much heavier than your average pony. She settled down a bit once they got her out of the dirty and vomit-spattered costume and into a tub of barely warm water.
“She seems a bit better.”
Amethyst was sitting in the bathroom doorway, with a sleepy but too-excited-to-sleep Dinky pressed up against her side.
Derpy pressed the frog of her forehoof against Noctilucent’s brow and nodded. “Yeah. Her fever’s come down a little. She’s gonna be real, real sick for a few days though.” She sighed and sat back, keeping an eye on their patient to make sure she didn’t slip under the water while nearly unconscious. Derpy looked over and said, “Umm… Amethyst, she’s gonna need to sleep somewhere. Do you mind…?”
With a long-suffering sigh, Amethyst nodded. "Yeah, whatever. I'll sleep on the couch."
Yet another sacrifice for the comfort of the stupid, pathetic Princess. And Amethyst knew just which tired unicorn would have to help get her soggy rump out of the tub, dried and stuffed into her own bed. Worst Nightmare Night ever!
They sat and soaked quietly for awhile, just the sounds of the bath water splashing about when Noctilucent stirred and sometimes muttered to herself. Everypony except Noctilucent started when a quiet, high-pitched bell rang. There were two doorbells; one for the lower floor of the house which was deeper in tone and the high pitched bell for the upstairs apartments.
Amethyst stood up, yawned hugely and said, “I’ll get it.” She ran a hoof over Dinky’s mane as the foal settled down onto the floor and then ambled slowly over to the stairs down to the front door. The bell jingled again as she reached the door.
“Alright, alright!” she grouched as she opened the door.
A zebra mare stood outside, lowering her hoof from the bellpull. Amethyst knew about Zecora, the zebra who lived in the Everfree, but she’d never met her before.
“Uh, hello?”
“Hello to you on this fateful night, I come to ease a sick pony’s plight. It is the home of Derpy I seek, I have not come to trick-or-treat.”
It took a few moments for Amethyst to digest the zebra's rhyming speech and realise that it held an unspoken question. "Oh, yeah. You're in the right place but Derpy's busy right now. Can I help you?"
Zecora smiled and said, “The answer I would like to know, is are you willing to help your foe?”
There was another pause while Amethyst's tired mind tried to puzzle that out. "You mean, Noctilucent? Well, sure. She's sick so of course, I'll help her. Tartarus, I've given up my bed so she can stay over while Derpy does her mother hen thing."
That seemed to satisfy Zecora, who reached inside of a dark brown satchel that she had slung around her neck. She held out a stoppered flask and said, “If indeed you are her friend, use this potion to help her mend. Twice a day, a drop or two, stir it into her favourite brew.”
Thought she wasn’t a fan of ‘folk medicine’, Amethyst gently took the flask up with her magic and nodded, “Okay, well… I’ll give this to Derpy and she’ll make sure she takes it.”
“I must bid you goodnight, Silverlock, for it is well past bedtime o’clock.”
Amethyst snorted in tired amusement at the terrible rhyme as she shut the door. Zecora must be as badly in need of sleep as she was. She groaned as she slowly walked up the stairs, there was still so much to do for their sick guest before she’d get to collapse on the lumpy couch and maybe get a little sleep.
Worst. Nightmare Night. Ever.
Author's Note
Please PM me if you spot any issues. Thank you. :twilightsmile: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png
Edit: Now with many, many, far-too-many fixes courtesy of Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/223593/Cross+Lament).

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  14 - The (Mostly) Super Happy Hearth’s Warming Chapter   
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14 - The (Mostly) Super Happy Hearth’s Warming Chapter
When Patch Balm and Dirt Nap lived in Copper Creek, the town’s ponies would gather for Hearth’s Warming Eve and rattle around inside the mine’s offices like peas in an almost-empty tin. Dirt Nap had enjoyed the get-togethers, despite being the only youngster in town. He’d loved the singing, dancing, food and simple company of other ponies in a place that was mostly abandoned and dissolving back into the desert.
Memories of those happy parties might be why he went to The Back Passage every week, without fail. He sorely wished he were there for the queer Hearth’s Warming party, but he’d be a rotten cur of a son if abandoned his pa. Nopony should be alone on Hearth’s Warming Eve.
His old sire had spent all of yesterday in the kitchen, baking sheet after sheet of cookies, cupcakes, pastries and such. The house filled with the scent of nutmeg, cinnamon and shugar and Patch Balm was still hard at work in the kitchen. Now he had several pots boiling at once and was keeping a close eye on the corn and pumpkin roast in the oven. Dirt Nap sat at the small kitchen table, watching and wondering if they could store some of the leftovers in the basement cold room where they normally kept ‘clients’.
Somepony knocking at the front door brought Dirt Nap to his hooves.
“I’ll get it, pa.”
Patch Balm nodded, then opened the stove to see how the roast was doing. Dirt Nap was half expecting somepony to show up, as there was no way he and pa could eat everything before it went off. That and, against all odds, his pa had met a mare during the Festival.
Honeysuckle was a big mare, like his ma, or so his pa told him. She was a widower, though her husband had not died recently. It might’ve been awkward if they’d been the ponies who buried her husband, not that it wasn’t awkward already. At least for Dirt Nap. Seeing his pa being all kissy-face with the honey coloured mare was weird and made the hollow space in his heart ever more hurtful.
Dirt Nap opened the door and a stallion, mare and three little foals—two colts and a filly—burst into song. This was not what Dirt Nap had expected at all. He’d figured that Honeysuckle would be stopping by, though there was even more food than three ponies could eat.
The family sang a lovely, traditional Hearth’s Warming song about friendship while the snow drifted gently down and Dirt Nap found himself tapping one of his hooves to the beat. He’d never had somepony come to the door and sing at him before, but it was nice.
When they finished, Dirt Nap politely stomped his applause and said, “That was jus’ swell. Thanks.”
He was wondering what to do next. Hadn’t somepony told him that carollers were supposed to be given drink and vittles or something? Maybe that’s why pa was cooking so much?
“You must be Dirt Nap! Hi! I’m Bespoke Boot, this is my wife Skiffle and our kids. Chukka, Valenki and the silly filly that just ran inside is Kitten.” The light brown unicorn held out his hoof and Dirt Nap politely bumped it as one of his ears turned back to hear the pale yellow filly gallop into the kitchen.
“Uh… Please t’meet y’all.” Dirt Nap had no idea who these ponies were, but they certainly seemed to expect to be expected.
There were greetings all around as the rest of the family made their way inside, dropping off their damp winter clothes and saddlebags in the hall before moving into the living room. Kitten was back from the kitchen and Dirt Nap couldn’t help smiling at the glee on the little filly’s muzzle when she found the plates of treats on the living room table.
As he settled down on the couch Bespoke Boot asked, “Are we the first to arrive?”
“Yes...?” Dirt Nap wondered how many more were supposed to be coming, so he excused himself and headed for the kitchen.
“Uh… Pa? Are we expectin’ company?”
Patch Balm was stirring a pot of sauce on the stove top and mumbled ‘uh-huh’ around the wooden spoon in his mouth.
There was another knocking from the front door.
“Oh! Luna, it…”
Celestia gazed down into the box where a black ball nestled within purple satin packing. A white circle and a black number ‘8' painted on its shiny surface.
“It is…”
Luna pouted and said, “You d-do despise it.”
"No! No, dear sister. I am merely puzzled that you would give me an over-sized Six-Pocket ball for a Hearth's Warming gift." She could have extended her magic into the curious object and instantly grasped its design and significance, as it was likely not a simple Six-Pocket ball. Was it? Celestia sometimes had difficulty understanding her sister's sense of humour, so it might be. But using magic on the gift would be as rude and inappropriate as it would have been to poke her mind into the beautifully wrapped gift box when her sister had given it to her.
And less fun.
Luna leant forward on her cushion, her pout turning into a grin as she nodded at the box. “Tis an augury sphere. Take it up in th… in your hooves, shake it while speaking any question, turn it over and it shall reveal the answer to thy query.”
Celestia eased her hooves into the box and gently grasped the slippery sphere. It was fortunate that she was not wearing her regalia, as those admittedly beautiful shoes would likely never have found grip. The augury ball was lighter than she anticipated and she felt liquid moving inside.
Giving the ball a gentle shake she said, “Mmm… Will there be lemon pudding after supper?”
She rotated the ball and saw that the bottom was a small flat circle set into the sphere. Something moved inside and after a moment a triangle with words extruded from it rose from the murky depths.
She read the message to Luna, “YES, DEFINITELY.”
“Fie! That was not a proper question. Thou… You knowest the menu already. Ask again!” Luna giggled, “Ask something tis embarrassing to know. It’s tradition to do so.”
"Ohhh… Well then, if it is traditional..." Celestia turned the ball right-side-up and gave it another shake. "Does my sister have a special somepony?"
“What?!”
Celestia smiled and read the ball’s answer, “MOST LIKELY.”
“Ponyfeathers! This augury is bent,” Luna grumped. “Trust it not, fair sister, for the magic ball doeth lie.”
The ball floated in Celestia’s gentle touch and settled on the fireplaces mantlepiece, propped against the side of a beautiful Quianlung vase. It’s mass manufactured, black plastic shell making an odd contrast next to the delicately decorated porcelain. While placing the ‘augury ball’, Celestia ran her mind through it and found that it was a simple dice rolling game. Nothing magical about it.
“Oh, Luna. It is just a foal’s toy, as I am sure you know. I am sorry if you feel embarrassed by my question. I just hope you will meet somepony special during your vacation. You were gone for so long and I think it would be good for you.”
Luna snorted and plainly stated, “Not likely or what I do desire.”
She knew from her sister's tone that Luna did not want to discuss it any further. Celestia almost felt bad for having disbanded the Royal Harem so many centuries ago, but it was necessary.
Equestria had been a shattered place, both the land and the ponies, after Nightmare had been… dealt with. Most of the ruling nobility had given their lives in the conflict, so Celestia had taken the reins of a bereft nation and led them away from the ruins. With the founding of Canterlot, she had worked very hard to foster a culture based on love, kindness and family. Replacing inherited feudal inequality with a meritocracy and deeper tribal integration. Promoting love and family while outlawing harems, herds and the ancient practice of treating stallions as property. She had set an example for the nation; marrying and raising a family of her own. Several times. The last few centuries she had remained single in order to prepare for Luna's return and out of guilt for enjoying life while her sibling was utterly alone.
She hoped that Luna would meet a handsome rogue, fall poll over pastern and start a family of her own. In her own experience, nothing was more joyous or drove away the darkness more surely than becoming a mother.
Deliberately setting aside her thoughts on Luna’s romantic prospects, Celestia gracefully rose up from her golden silk pillow.
“Come, dear Luna. I would like to give you your Hearth’s Warming gift.”
Luna set down her mug and licked a moustache of eggnog from her lips. “Oh? Can it not be brought here before me?”
“No,” Celestia shook her head and said, “It is far too large and is already in your chambers.”
“Oh ho? Hath the the harem been reestablished, dear sister?”
Celestia snorted a laugh and said, “It is not that kind of gift.”
“A pity.” Luna surged up to her hooves and gazed with longing at the extremely comfortable pillows set in front of the fireplace. “I hope it is a most princessly gift to tempt me away from such comfort.”
“While it can not compete with the augury ball, I think you will like it.”
The private ways through Canterlot palace were not as grandly decorated as the public areas. In place of glorious stained glass masterpieces, there were diamond-shaped leaded panes which cast grids of shadow over the plush red carpet. As they approached Luna's suites the white marble and gold, sun-themed decorations gave way to blue—almost black—marble with silver moons and stars. Thick window drapes blocked most of the sun's glorious rays, sinking the rooms into the dark gloom that Luna found more comfortable.
Her bed-chambers were completely dark aside from a few dim, bluish mage lights and a galaxy of stars scattered over the high, domed ceiling. It was painted black and echoed the night sky.
There was more than enough light for the two alicorn sisters to wend their way around the room’s plush, dark blue furnishings. But Celestia lit her horn, just a little, as they approached a side table. On it was a large package, covered in metallic looking blue gift wrapping paper.
Luna also lit her horn and inspected the gift, with her eyes only, politely not peeping underneath the wrapping paper with her magic.
“I… may hazard a guess at…”
“Do not guess, Luna! Just unwrap it.”
Celestia had carefully peeled away the tape on her sister’s gift, gently unfolding the box’s wrapping, but Luna lunged forward and began tearing the paper off of her gift. It was a tradition for them to use their own hooves for this, rather than magic. It was more satisfying. Shreds of paper fell to the floor. Ribbons were rent and cast aside. Tape was torn. But when Luna stepped back to look, there was a layer of warm purple paper beneath the first one. Celestia grinned and shrugged when Luna turned and raised a questioning eyebrow.
Luna assaulted the new layer of wrapping paper and then the final golden layer beneath that one. A knee-deep drift of torn, metallic paper littered the carpet as she finally stepped back to behold what Celestia had given her.
Made of blued steel, the clock's open framework exposed layers of simple, robustly made gears the largest of which was the size of a dinner plate. The ebony wood disk of the clock face was speckled with gemstones, many of them connected with gold wire inlays to form ancient constellations. It had two legs to show the time; one was a bar that had the fulcrum in its middle. A golden sun on one end and a silver moon on the other. There was also a minute leg with a silver star at its tip.
It was the clock which had kept the time in Luna’s suite in the Castle of the Two Sisters so many centuries ago. Only a few fragments of the original had survived to be incorporated in this recreation. Celestia herself had cast the enchantments which connected this timepiece to the rejuvenated day-themed one in her own chambers, ensuring that they were synchronised.
Luna’s voice was a little thick when she spoke. “Tis… beautiful, sister…”
Sensing an unvoiced ‘but’ in what Luna had said, Celestia gently prompted, “But?”
“Beautiful, yet the chimes were most… displeasing.”
Celestia nodded. She remembered her sister’s complaints about this when the clock was first made and how she still disliked the clock even after the bells had been damped. Nightmare Moon had bucked the beautiful thing into a wall at the start of the Long Eclipse, almost completely destroying it and the wall.
“I remembered.”
Celestia reached out with her glowing magic and depressed a small button on the side of the clock. It activated the alarm and quiet music came from the clock. In place of the original bells and strikers, a pair of music boxes had been built into the gear train, and they played a mellow tune. One of Luna's favourites. Written by a travelling minstrel it was a hymn of praise to the moon, the night sky and the alicorn responsible for their beauty.
Luna closed her eyes as she listened. After a few bars she was smiling and her head nodded in time to the music. Seeing this made Celestia smile and she continued to press the alarm button for two cycles through its shortened version of the tune.
Once the room was quiet again, Luna opened her eyes and with a grin, she quickly stepped closer and hugged Celestia. As best she could at any rate since Luna was still significantly smaller than her big sister.
“This truly is a princessly gift. Thank th… Thank you, I mean.” Luna sighed. “I wish my own gift had been as beautiful and thoughtful.”
Celestia wrapped a leg around her sister and hugged her a little closer. “Nonsense, Luna. You have given me the most precious gift of all; your joyful company.”
Grabbing a thick, insulating cloth in his mouth, Clickspring stuck his head into the oven and carefully bit the edge of the baking tray. The searing heat was painful, especially for his folded back ears, so he had to be quick!
He slid the tray and it's heavy pumpkin loaf onto the counter, spat out the cloth and kicked the oven's door shut with a hind hoof. Wielding a serrated knife in his magic, he cut a couple of slices and plopped them onto a plate. For sides, he'd made brussel sprouts with chestnuts and sage, roast potatoes, carrots and neeps, and spiced red cabbage.
Following his dam's recipes had produced enough food to stuff four ponies, so most of it would end up in the fridge. Leftovers for a leftover pony.
Clickspring shook his head and snorted, trying to clear the dismal thought out his mind.
No moping on Hearth’s Warming Eve.
He hummed an uplifting carol while using a large metal spoon to load up his plate. He’d spent the last two Hearth’s Warmings alone. The last dozen or so birthdays too. It wasn’t so bad. Except that this whole ‘coming out of his shell’ thing had left him wishing he had company or that he could have travelled to Manehatten to visit his folks.
Neither was an option. Everypony that he knew in Ponyville were spending time with their own families or friends. Rarity and her little sister were visiting their parents, though he’d caught them at the Boutique before they left and gave his ‘master’ her holiday gift. Clickspring had finished the diamond-themed clock just in time to shut down the water mill before everything iced up.
Noctilucent had gone out-of-town to visit her folks, so he’d left her gift with the hospital receptionist.
Dirt Nap was no doubt either spending the evening with his sire or at The Back Passage. Frostbite had dropped by to give him a Rump’s Warming party invite, but a crowded club was the last place Clickspring wanted to be.
Next year, once the damn Curse was broken, he’d catch the train to Manehattan. The card and excuse he’d mailed would have to do for this year, as there was no way in Tartarus he could deal with his mum’s touchy-feely affection right now.
Glitter on the card that they had sent him sparkled in the candlelight.
He’d propped it open on the other side of the kitchen table so he could feel a tiny bit closer to them while he ate. There were a few other letters underneath it; just bills, advertisements and one from the Canterlot General Hospital. He hadn’t opened it yet, but it was probably nothing important. It could wait.
His horn glowed for a few moments as he cast Lighten on a bottle of soda, another useful spell that Rarity had taught him. The normally too-heavy bottle only wobbled a little bit as he levitated it and filled his glass.
At least there was a feast to enjoy.
Dinner had been eaten, desserts demolished, gifts had been opened and now everypony was settled in the living room. Dirt Nap stood near the window and quietly looked out into the night, where street lamps made glowing cones in the still falling snow.
Being a desert-colt, he'd never gotten his hooves wet with snow before. He'd seen it or at least been told that the white caps on the mountains were made of snow. Sweet Celestia but it was cold! Nights in the desert sometimes got what he'd thought of as cold, but now he really understood what cold was. And he'd heard that some ponies lived even further north where it was even colder!
Tomorrow there would be a lot of work to do. He’d found a job working with the snow clearing crew and though it didn’t pay much he was grateful for the work. It got him out of the house, kept his idle muscles in shape and his mind off of things he didn’t want to think about. ‘Fix worry with work’, his pa had told him, and it really did work. Sort of.
The worry was always waiting for him when the work was done. He wished that Applejack was waiting for him instead.
Meeting Honeysuckle’s son and two daughters and all of their many foals was draining. Fun though, especially when he gave some of them a quick tour of the cold room. Some of the foals were eager but frightened of finding a pony’s last remains laid out, but the cold rooms were empty. In contrast, there were more ponies crammed into their small living room than had ever attended the Hearth’s Warming celebration in Copper Creek. The sad truth was that meeting Honeysuckle’s family, seeing their relationships and their warm happiness of being together was making him feel worse. On Hearth’s Warming. Dirt Nap felt just awful about it.
With Honeysuckle’s kin here to keep his pa company, may he could slip out and go to The Back Passage?
“Dirt Nap?” A delicate mare named… Dirt Nap couldn’t remember her name, but she was one of Honeysuckle’s fillies.
“Mum and your dad said they wanted to tell us all something.”
“Oh, ok.” He followed her over to where everypony was gathering in a half circle in front of the loveseat where his pa and Honeysuckle were sitting, holding hooves.
Once everypony was settled, Honeysuckle said, “Thank you all for coming. I’m sure changing Hearth’s Warming plans at the last moment like this must have been difficult.”
“Not as difficult for us as for Patch and Dirt Nap!” said Bespoke Boot.
“Let’s hear it for our hosts!” said Bespoke’s wife while holding a glass of wine up in her hoof.
There was a round of cheers and hoof stomping applause. Bespoke Boot gave Dirt Nap a friendly hug and left a leg draped companionably over his shoulders. After a few moments, the laughter at their own cheering died down.
Honeysuckle leant over to kiss Patch Balm on the top of his head and said, “Yes, thank you for preparing such a wonderful feast and opening your home to us, dear.”
Dirt Nap’s mouth hung open in surprise at the sight of his pa blushing. His pa was blushing!
“Now, the reason we wanted you all here isn’t just for Hearth’s Warming. Patch and I… well…”
“We’re gettin’ hitched.” Patch Balm slipped a skinny foreleg around Honeysuckle’s shoulders and stretched his head up to give her a kiss on the cheek.
Dirt Nap felt like he'd been pulled outside of himself. He felt his cheek muscles protesting at how wide his mouth was gawping open and his eyes felt like they might pop out. But it was all vague and distant. There was a terrible pressure in his chest, squeezing him like he was buried under a tonne of dirt. Something tore inside, like a muscle giving out and he was suddenly back inside of himself, gasping for breath and grinning like a fool.
Bespoke Boot was pounding him on the back and cheering. Once he had a lungful of air, Dirt Nap felt light, happy and he joined in.
Author's Note
It's not exactly the right season for this chapter... but I ain't waiting until December to post it. I think there are three or five chapters to go, so I'll try to avoid adding any more characters to the cast. Honest, I'll try. :ajsleepy: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/ajsleepy.png
I have momentous news so please check my blog here if you're at all curious. It's momentous to me anyway.
Please PM me if you see anything that you think needs tweaking. Thank you.

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           15 - Ganging A-Gley the Canterlot Way           
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15 - Ganging A-Gley the Canterlot Way
In the Night Court's offices a grey earth pony stallion stood at attention, his muscles rigid and head held high. Princess Luna stalked around him, looking over the latest design of the Lunar Guard's armor that he was modelling for her.
Jet Streak, the Lunar Court's chamberlain, had lit several extra candles so that the guard would be able to see well enough to not trip over the furniture. Normally she kept the office very dark as her thestral eyes had no trouble in near darkness and Luna preferred it dark as well. Jet had also lit charcoal in a pair of incense burners and sprinkled chunks of frankincense in them, making the air very fragrant and sneeze-provoking. Although Jet didn't really care for it she knew that the ancient incense helped mellow her highness's mood, although it also tended to make her nostalgic. Which, now that Jet considered it, might not be ideal for reviewing the new guard's armor.
She stood a few paces away from the guard and sincerely hoped that Princess Luna would approve this third version of the armour. Working for the princess was a great honour and at first, she had been awestruck to even be in the presence of The Night Guardian. Even with the year of preparatory training that she had received in Celestia's court, she had felt giddy to be serving the princess who featured in so many thestral legends.
That was before she had gotten to know Princess Luna better.
Finding out that her Princess was a confused, demanding and desperately lonely pony had been an eye-opening experience. The similarities with her own daughter, just before she had left home to attend university, were unsettling. Jet sometimes wondered if she'd been selected for this position because Luna needed 'mothering' after her return, rather than for her skills as an administrator.
"Hmm…" Luna moved in close and gazed at the helmet, running her eyes over the bat-wing-like crest. She seemed pleased that the designer had enlarged it a little and also with the lighter purple for the crest and chest plate.
Jet couldn't remember what all of the terms were for the various parts of the armour. Wasn't the chest plate a 'paytrail'? Maybe? Once this was over she never wanted to see another design sketch of armour or swords or anything military ever again.
Luna walked next to the lieutenant and lowered her head to glare at the unarmoured space between his thighs. Jet smirked as the guard's ears flattened against his helmet.
"Chamberlain! There is no codpiece."
Jet trotted over and leant down to have a quick look as well. With her nose this close she could smell the poor stallion's sweaty anxiety. "You are correct, your highness. This stallion is woefully unprotected."
Luna grunted, still glaring at the armour-free gap between the guard's legs.
Standing back up, Jet took a moment to settle the large aluminium key that she wore as a necklace and badge of her office. She cleared her throat and said, "As discussed during our last design meeting with the Royal Armoury designers, there are four reasons why they removed the codpiece from your original design. One: Codpieces went out of style centuries ago. Two: Half of the guard are mares and codpieces are flagrantly sexist. Three: We would have ended up with bow-legged guards hobbling around the palace with the enormous size you requested." The tall black mare smiled down at Luna as she said, "And Four: Your sister told you 'no', remember?"
Jet had secretly written a note asking Princess Celestia to… discuss Luna's designs for the armour with her. It was part of Jet's mandate as Lunar Chamberlain to—not exactly 'spy' on Luna—but to inform Celestia of any difficulties requiring her wisdom or any signs that Luna was becoming too aggressive or depressed. Nopony wanted to risk the return of Nightmare Moon after all.
Luna snorted angrily, causing the guard to flinch as hot, moist air blew over his sheathed weapon.
"Fie!" Luna raised her head up. "One might mistake our guard for milksop mares, they are so bereft of masculinity. Can we not at least caparison them in fine, coloured silks and bows?"
Jet Streak squeaked a short laugh and pressed a hoof over her muzzle to try and contain it. The poor lieutenant looked terrified, with his eyes wide he stared at Jet over Luna's rump and shook his head while mouthing the word 'No'.
"I'm sorry, Princess." Jet kept the hoof to her mouth while she regained her composure and cleared her throat. "I'm afraid that, by today's standards, dolling up the guard would be the opposite of making them appear more masculine. Though I'm sure some of the guardsmares could be talked into it if you want me to enquire?"
As she said this Jet realised she should have kept her muzzle shut because Luna was not pleased to have females in the Lunar Guard. Most mares would be angry about this backwards attitude, but Jet only felt pity for her out-of-touch princess. Not that Luna would appreciate being pitied.
"Nay. Do not trouble them." Luna sighed and admitted, "In this as in many things my desires are antiquated. I must place my faith in thy… in your opinions and the work of the Royal artisans. This design is… loathsome. My guard will look to be ragtag irregulars, nought but wet-ears thrown together as front-line fodder. We might as well arm them with pitchforks and scythes!"
The guard's expression had gone from pleading to grumpy, which was a common response to some of Princess Luna's behaviour. Jet opened her mouth to speak but suddenly Luna laughed, going from annoyed (and annoying) to amused in an eye-blink.
"Oh, but that is most apt! Some of my best companies were the irregulars. Ah, and I think I see my sister's wisdom in this now. Indeed, let our Royal Guard be irregulars, made of common folk and not our dissolute nobility."
The only thing Jet really cared about at this point was getting the new design approved, so she tentatively asked, "You approve then, your highness?"
"Most assuredly."
Saying no more, Luna walked over to Jet's massive desk and settled down on one of the very large and comfortable pillows beside it.
Jet trotted over to the confused looking guard and whispered, "She means 'yes'." She chuckled at his relieved expression and said, "Thank you, Lieutenant, you are dismissed." Jet waved the guard out of the office with one of her black wings and closed the ornate double-door behind him. She trotted over to her ornately carved desk and sat down, not lounging like the princess but upright and ready to work.
Luna sighed and said, "Please tell me there is nought else to be dealt with this eve, Chamberlain."
Taking a deep breath, Jet fought down the urge to yawn and rubbed at one of her eyes with a wingtip. It had been a long night after a week of long nights packed with court business that had piled up while the princess was away, and yet more that needed to be taken care of in advance before her highness departed Canterlot once more. Jet settled her bat-like wings into order and picked up the last folder in her in-tray. She opened it and said, "Mmm… Just a final report on the three ponies you asked the Night Court to investigate. Poppycock is currently awaiting trial for selling coca and opium-laced salts. We're currently observing his supplier. Snap Shot's case has been closed as no evidence of criminal behaviour was found. He is, of course, unaware of the investigation. Mmm… And a review of the Solar Court's evidence confirmed that Duke Star Glow was not involved with his first wife's death." She set the folder down, looked over at Luna and asked, "Did you see anything suspicious in his dreams, Princess?"
"Nay." Luna shook her head and said, "Not a dram of guilt other than that of a pony who hath found new love blooming after the first has withered. I think him innocent in his first wife's demise."
Jet nodded, jotted down a note and put the folder into her out-tray. The investigations had been a good exercise for the cloak-and-dagger teams that were part of the Night Court's staff. Slowly everypony was beginning to integrate, though they would not be complete until the princess herself returned to the court full-time. Hopefully, that would be soon! Certain ponies were champing at the bit to petition the Night Court, most likely hoping that Luna would be easier to con than Celestia. Jet couldn't wait to see the disappointed looks on their sleazy faces. With any luck, a few of them would get a tour of the dungeons that Luna had insisted be restored.
Luna gracefully rose to her hooves and stepped off of the pillow to give herself a shake. As her wings settled back against her sleek, dark blue sides she nodded to Jet. "I will take my leave then as the dreaming hour is nigh. Fare thee well, faithful Jet Streak."
"Good morning and good hunting, Princess."
"Sard!" Luna cursed as the glass-like sphere of a forming dream suddenly swelled into existence, sucking in the billowing grey fog of dream stuff.
She had been waiting for what felt like hours in Prince Blueblood's dream space, killing time by refining some of her dramatis personae. With a flick of her tail, she dismissed the dream version of Miss Cheerilee that she had been tweaking; the original had been copied from a student's somewhat moist and sweaty dream. It dissipated, turning back into fog as Luna trotted over to the still forming dream.
Visiting Blueblood's sleeping mind was going to be grotesque. What she had seen and heard of her many-times-great-grand-nephew's behaviour left little doubt that he was the worst kind of nobility; a pompous, arrogant, debauched letch. Entering a relative's dream—even one so distant—came with the risk of it being sexual in nature, which was too close to engaging in incest for Luna's liking. Particularly with a sod like Blueblood.
She'd halfway hoped that he would drink himself into a dreamless stupor and she could avoid this unpleasantness altogether. But this was her last night in Canterlot and she needed to at least make an effort to deal with Blueblood while he was in range of her still feeble somniomancy.
With a resigned expression, Luna plunged into the dream...
...and found herself wrapped in a dream made of flesh. Beige pony hide pressed up against her from every side, crushing her in a tight, slippery sack of hot, sweaty flesh that stank of excited mare.
For a few moments, Luna was paralysed with surprise. Then she struggled, wiggled and squirmed as much as she could, pushing the heavy flesh away from her muzzle and spitting tangy sweat. She couldn't tell if this was some lusty fantasy or if Blueblood was suffering through a nightmare. She could hear panting and low, female moans of pleasure where the sweaty fur pressed up against her ears. The flesh in front of her swelled and pressed the awful tasting hide back against her muzzle.
With a wordless roar, she fired a silvery beam of destruction from her horn which tore through the fleshy monstrosity, blasting through jiggling flesh that immediately turned back into grey fog. Swinging her head she freed herself and continued to slash until the beam met resistance and something shrieked in pain. For a moment Luna worried that she'd somehow injured the dreamer, though with that particular lancing spell it should not be possible. But no, it wasn't a noise that a pony's throat could create; a warbling chorus of small animals being eviscerated. Tatters of the beige hide fluttered through the air, but most of it was destroyed and turned into a thick fog. Tracking the unseen source of the horrible wailing as it quickly moved to her left, Luna let the beam of magic drop and quickly cast a different spell. This one manifested as a round net made of glowing strands which shot toward the noise.
There was a loud squeak followed by harsh chittering and the remnants of the dream collapsed and flowed away to rejoin the knee deep fog of Blueblood's dreamspace. Luna walked over to where her entrapment spell lay on the 'ground', glowing through the fog. She lifted it up with her magic and examined the creature inside.
About the size of a hoofball, it was an unappealing mass of eyes and limbs from a wide variety of species. Tentacles, bug legs, and furry limbs poked out from the mesh, all wiggling and straining to escape as several mismatched eyes glared at her.
Though Luna had not seen its type before she was certain that it was a minor imp from the upper levels of Tartarus, sent to provoke and collect terror from dreams. Much like a honey bee supping on flowers and taking the sweet nectar back to the hive, this foul creature supplied its master's table with delicacies. They could also provide something like a map which other, less benevolent demons could use to further corrupt a pony's soul.
Blueblood's dream was clearly a nightmare that caused great suffering rather than a domination sex fantasy.
Luna grimaced at the horrible thing as it chittered and burbled at her. She cast another spell which encased it in a tight containment and silencing shield, squeezing it's flailing limbs down into a tight sphere. She squinted at it and wondered why she hadn't detected its presence the moment she'd entered the dream. She would need to study it, drain it, wipe what passed for its mind and then flush its indestructible essence back down to Tartarus.
Imps would keep coming so long as Blueblood was vulnerable to them, so something would need to be done to heal his mind or at the very least shield his dreams. At least he should be safe for a few days now that this leech was contained.
Trotting off towards the exit from his dream space, Luna hummed a little tune. She was feeling good about her first 'kill' since her return, even if it was a minor night terror that had left her exhausted. It was a start and Tartarus would soon learn to their woe that she was back.
"Mintyyy..! Minty!" The Clover the Clever College Residence Hall B dorm director rapped a hoof against the door to Minty's room, despite the door being half open.
Minty sighed and pushed away from her desk and the extremely boring textbook she had been struggling to read. She turned sideways on her padded stool, looked over and said, "Hey, Tulip. What's up?"
Tulip looked a bit agitated and glanced down the hall outside Minty's room. "There's a stallion named Gloaming Gleam in reception who's asked to see you."
Oh. That explained the older mare's agitation at least. It didn't matter that Minty had made it clear she didn't swing that way, Tulip probably still saw old Mr. Gleam as a threat. Poor Tulip. Not that Minty had a pity fuck to give, that would just make things even worse. Right?
Minty hopped down and walked over to the door. "He's my boss from when I did intern. I wonder what he wants?"
The relieved looks on Tulip's pretty pink muzzle was cute, and Minty did feel a teeny bit pleased that somepony was carrying a torch for her. It was flattering, even if there was zero interest on her part. Minty magicked the lock on her door and they quickly trotted down the two flights of stairs to the reception where Mr. Gleam was impatiently pacing back and forth.
Minty waved and called, "Hey, boss! What's up?"
"Hello, Minty." Gloaming smiled sourly and said, "Please just call me 'Gloaming', I'm not your employer anymore."
"Ok, sorry. Mr… Uh. Gloaming. So, what brings you to my castle in the sky?"
Tulip sat down at the reception desk and Gloaming glanced at her before walking away from the desk, gesturing with a hoof for Minty to follow. When they reached the entrance he quietly said, "Do you remember the, umm, special case you were involved with just prior to Hearth's Warming?"
"Mmmhmmm!" Minty nodded, it was the most exciting day of her painful internship.
"Well, Mr. Quire… do you remember him?"
"Old grey stallion. Says 'hmm' a lot."
"Yes. Well, the subject of the case responded to our polite invitation and Mr. Quire has asked me to ask you to join us for the testing." Gloaming huffed, "Celestia knows why, but he would like you there. So, if you'd care to join me, I have a cab waiting to take us."
Minty blinked. "Now? Right now?"
"Yes! Right now, Minty. Unless you're busy…" Gloaming's perked ears and beginnings of a smile made it pretty clear that he'd prefer it if she were unable to go.
Minty grinned, "Nope! Not busy at all. But first I gotta…" She trotted back to the reception desk and told Tulip, "I'm gonna go out for a bit! Just some business stuff they need me for. No worries."
Tulip made a note in the hall's log-book and nodded, "Ok, don't forget to get in touch if you'll be out after nightfall. Take care, Minty."
"You too!"
On her way back to the front doors, Minty grabbed her scarf from one of the communal wardrobes that lined the reception and slung it around her neck. A few minutes later she and Gloaming were inside an enclosed cab and on their way to Canterlot General Hospital. It wasn't snowing for a change, but the gusting wind was bitterly cold. Minty hoped the cabbie pony wasn't freezing his apples off; but he was a big, burly earth pony with a thick, shaggy coat so he was probably ok. At least the streets were clear and dry.
It was a little awkward sitting beside her former boss in the tight confines of the cab. He didn't seem interested in conversation as they rattled along the cobbled streets and just sat gazing out the window at the snow covered buildings and parks.
"So… What's this testing thing all about anyway, bo… uh… Gloaming?"
Gloaming sighed and looked over at her. "So far as I'm aware it's just a T.C. testing procedure. Surely you've had yours tested before, Minty?"
She nodded and said, "Yep! Back in Fillydelphia. Years ago. Every unicorn gets tested, right?" Minty twiddled her hooves for a few moments, but Gloaming didn't seem to have anything further to say.
"So, it's just a T.C. test? That's it?"
Gloaming nodded.
"Oh. Sounds kinda boring. No guards dragging in a reluctant prisoner. No barely contained magical mayhem." Minty sighed and asked, "Why did Mr. Quire even want me to be there?"
"I would like to know the reason as well." Gloaming looked quite grumpy. Grumpier than usual anyway, he almost always looked like the world has peed in his tea.
Minty kind of wished that Jade were here. Something was fishy and Jade was the cynical and suspicious pony who'd be able to figure out what was really going on. She'd know what questions to ask. Oh well, she'd just try to remember everything that happened and tell Jade about it afterwards.
When they arrived at the hospital, Gloaming settled up with the cab hauler and didn't even ask Minty to go halfsies or anything. So, hey, free cab ride at least. Minty felt she was one-up on the evening already, just too bad she didn't actually need to be at the hospital. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too boring. If it was going to be boring she had plenty of boring textbooks at the dorm to be bored by. No need to go out if she wanted to be bored.
"This way, I think."
Gloaming led her down a staff passage rather than going up to reception in the main entrance, so at least that was kind of interesting. Minty had been through a lot of the staff areas below the hospital, but never above ground. It wasn't much different though; bland white and pea green corridor after corridor, sometimes with doors or rolling carts with medical stuff on them. Busy, white-coated staff trotting around doing medical things. Minty didn't see any patients though and figured that they must be trotting through the hospital's labs rather than the patient clinics.
Eventually, Gloaming picked out a door from all of the other look-alike doors and opened it. Following him inside, Minty found herself in yet another corridor. No surprise there, except that it was short, dimly lit and only led to another door.
"Please shut that door, Minty."
Gloaming waited until she'd closed it before opening the next one. It let them into a small, dimly lit room where Mr. Quire was waiting for them, gazing through a window that took up almost an entire wall.
"Mmm… Good evening, Gleam. Minty. Mmm…" The old unicorn's voice was quiet and Minty thought she detected a hint of excitement buried in the grey blandness that she remembered.
Gloaming whispered, "Good evening to you, Mr. Quire."
The room on the other side of the window was two stories tall and round. The window was up on the second floor so they were looking down onto a floor that was tiled in white and had three magical circles worked into it with coloured tiles. Minty wasn't a magical student so the runes written in the circles were unintelligible but pretty. She figured the room must be a re-purposed anatomy theatre where they used to bring in some unlucky pony's dead body and pick it to pieces while medical students watched. Yuck! There weren't any rows of seats though, just a round, domed room.
Directly opposite the window was a door and on the left side of the room, outside of the magic circles, was a table with several pieces of medical looking equipment on it. Cables ran from the equipment to the centre of the room where a pair of ponies in lab coats were standing next to a comfortable looking méridienne chaise lounge; the kind with a high back and arm on only one end. The gold and purple furniture looked out of place in the otherwise sterile looking hospital theatre.
"Oh", said Gloaming, "He's not arrived yet?"
"Soon. Mmm… Hello, Miss Treacle."
Minty waved and said, "Hi, Mr. Quire." She wanted to ask why he'd invited her along, but he was pretty much ignoring her and Gloaming, his gaze fixed on the door to the testing room.
They waited for a few minutes. Just long enough for Minty to notice Quire's slightly wheezy breathing but not quite long enough to become annoyed by it. So far this was just as boring as she'd expected. A door in the testing room opened and a white-coated, unicorn doctor trotted in with a pony following behind her.
Minty pressed her muzzle up against the glass to try and get a better view of the mysterious Click… Click-thing? She saw an older unicorn, rather than the young colt she'd assumed he was when she handled his paperwork. He was a warm yellow colour with a bright blue mane and bit of blue scruff on the end of his chin. There was something weird about his glasses but she was too far away to make out what it was. The doctor was carrying a bunch of wires in her magic field, which connected to round sensors stuck to Click-thing's head and torso, and to a cone made of plastic mesh that concealed his horn.
There was a click, an electronic whine and then the doctor's voice could be heard over a speaker on the observation room's ceiling. "...a seat there and we'll get started."
One of the medical assistants helped Click-thing get comfortable on the chaise, sitting him down facing the window, while the other hooked up his wires to the cables on the floor. Then the doctor and assistants went to fiddle with the equipment, switching things on with a chorus of quiet beeps. Once everything had been double-checked, the doctor turned and said, "All right, Mr. Clickspring. Please relax. We're going to activate the circles now and you may feel some discomfort before they stabilise."
Minty shuffled her hooves nervously as one of the assistants hop-walked up to the innermost circle, carrying something small in her hoof. She stopped and pressed it into the floor at the edge of the inner ring. The whole thing lit up with a bright blue glow and crackling streaks of energy lept up forming a transparent dome over the centre of the room. Clickspring sat up and gasped and even this far away, safely behind a wall and window, Minty felt her fur trying to stand on end as the local magic field's strength suddenly increased.
One of the assistants checked a machine and announced, "Induced magic field is stable and its power level is sufficient." He tapped a key on one of the other machines. "T.D.S. has been calibrated."
The doctor scribbled on a clipboard and nodded. "Noted. Bring up the suppressor."
As the assistant three-legged it to a spot on the middle circle, Minty squinted her eyes and could just make out where a tile was missing in the pattern. The assistant placed the missing tile and the middle ring glowed a bright yellow and produced its own dome of energy around the first one, like another layer being added to an onion. To Minty, it felt as though somepony had closed a window and shut out a wind made of magic that had been blowing past her.
"Suppression is active. Thaumaton levels within the testing area are now within zero point one five percent of test requirements."
The doctor nodded and made a note on her clipboard before walking to the edge of the still inactive outer magic circle. "Mr. Clickspring, for the first test can you please light up your horn for us?"
Clickspring nervously asked, "H… how long do you need me to hold it for?"
Minty would have been nervous too! She was just out here watching, not in the middle of all those powerful circles, and she was worried.
"Just get it as bright as you can for a moment, no need to hold it for any length of time."
"Whew. Alright, I can do that." The speaker crackled as Clickspring sat up and closed his eyes to concentrate on using his horn.
Minty glanced at her fellow observers and saw that everypony was pressing as close at the could to the window in anticipation of seeing a freak perform.
The plastic cone around Clickspring's horn glowed a bluish-green and then the tip lit up like a light bulb, growing quickly in intensity to almost arc-welder brilliance before just as quickly fading away and going out.
She couldn't help but feel let down. Sure, it had been pretty bright but Minty had expected something spectacular and maybe dangerous to happen. Clickspring was panting and looked a bit sweaty; just like a pony doing a jerk-and-lift of their max at the gym. He could be faking it but Minty found it pretty convincing.
"Peak T.C. of seventy-seven point eight percent", said a technician as he wrote a note on one of the scrolling papers coming out of a machine.
That was a pretty decent score, but nowhere near the freaky end of things. Seventy-seven and a bit wouldn't even get a unicorn into the School for Gifted Unicorns. Minty felt a little envious since she had a fifty-four, which wasn't good enough to get her any advanced training and meant she'd had to pursue a career in paperwork rather than spell slinging.
"Well, that was a let down", Gloaming huffed, "I suppose those Ponyville doctors must have been in error, what?" He pulled out a handkerchief from somewhere and mopped his brow.
"Mmm… We shall see."
"Are you ready for the next test?" asked the doctor.
Clickspring stopped rubbing his forehead and nodded, "Sure, I guess." He certainly didn't sound like somepony who was pleased with having a high score, just resigned and wishing he was somewhere else.
The doctor pulled a lever next to the desk and a round hatch on the floor in front of Clickspring slid open, out of it rose a brass ball on the end of a thick, grey pole. It locking into place when it was level with Clickspring's head.
"For this test, I'd like you to push against the ball as hard as you can. Alright?"
Clickspring nodded and sat up straighter, focusing his attention on the ball.
"Begin whenever you're ready."
Everypony in the observation room was focused on Clickspring again, as his horn glowed and the glow reached out to touch the orange-sized sphere. There wasn't much else to see at first, just an old unicorn starting to sweat again from the effort of pushing against the immobile metal. But then Minty noticed that the sphere was moving a little, swaying back and forth as the glow of Clickspring's magic began to pulse in intensity.
One of the technicians glanced up from the machine he was monitoring and said, "Try to keep an even pressure, Mr. Clickspring."
"I… am…"
The oscillation kept growing, getting bigger and faster. Minty pressed her nose against the cool glass and noticed that the colour of Clickspring's magic glow was changing. He'd closed his eyes and was grimacing and his magic was turning purple, then red and the light it made was getting dimmer and dimmer.
Soon it went out completely and yet the ball was vibrating back and forth violently as somehow Clickspring was still pushing it despite his magic having flickered out. Sort of. There were sparks shooting up from the top of his head, kind of like embers coming off of a fire. Minty thought they should stop the test because that looked really painful. The ball was a blur on the end of the vibrating pole and she could feel the floor of the observation room vibrating under her hooves.
The test ended abruptly when with a loud squawk of abused metal the pole gave out and bent at the base. Clickspring slumped on the chaise and the colour of his magic glow reappeared, quickly flashing through red, purple and blue before it faded out again.
Gloaming quietly asked, "What in Equestria was that?"
Down in the testing room, Clickspring had slid the horn sensor off and was rubbing at the base of his horn. The doctor and her assistants were just sitting, staring at him.
"Mmm… Doctor. The results, please."
Minty hadn't seen a microphone anywhere in the room, but the doctor snapped out of his shock and glanced down at the scrolling paper from one of the machines. "Peak T.C. of... one hundred and nineteen percent? That's not possible..."
'Alright! Way to go, Clickspring', Minty thought.
"Miss Treacle, this is decidedly not something to be cheering about."
Oops… stupid mouth! "Sorry, boss… uh… Mr. Gloaming."
Over the speaker, she heard one of the technicians ask the doctor, "Do well, uh, continue testing?"
"No!"
Gloaming and Quire both gave Minty surprised and questioning looks, while she spluttered and wished she had just a little control over her mouth right now.
"Mmm… Miss Treacle, I…"
"No, seriously. No. I mean, look at the guy! He's in a lotta pain and I know this is important but there's gotta be another way to…"
"Shhh… Calm yourself, Miss Treacle. Mmm… There won't be any more tests, not today. You're correct and mmm I think we have what we need. Don't we, Gloaming? Mmm..?"
"I believe so. That last test was quite… unique."
"Mmm… good." Quire's horn glowed again as he spoke to the doctor, "Mmm… no more tests, doctor. Please see to your patient, he appears to be in distress. Mmm… thank you. Mmm…"
The doctor's voice crackled over the speakers, "Dispel the circles, we're finished for now. Let's get Mr. Clickspring cleaned up and down to Physiology."
Minty went back to watching as the assistants went through shutting down the two magic circles and the doctor trotted over to help Clickspring. After a few minutes, his sensors were unplugged, a cloth was pressed against the base of his horn and they led him away and out of the room.
"Mmm… Miss. Treacle?"
Minty turned away from the window and asked, "Yes, Mr. Quire?" Minty still didn't know why the old stallion had invited her, maybe she could get that out of him before she headed home to her dull books.
He waved a grey hoof, beckoning her to follow as he tottered out the door. "Mmm… Come, walk with us."
Gloaming nodded and gestured for her to go ahead. He followed as she trotted out into the hospital hall where Quire was waiting. As they walked along to whatever destination he had in mind, he turned to Minty and asked, "Mmm… So, what do you make of him?"
"Clickspring?"
Quire nodded slowly. "Mmmhmm."
"Um, well… He seems like the real deal. That light spell wasn't anything special but he sure messed up that pole, right? I mean, sure there'r spells that'll do that easier but busting it up by just pushing really hard is pretty crazy."
Quire chuckled as they trotted down a flight of stairs and she gave him a questioning look. "What's funny about that?"
"Mmm… He bent the steel post in half while leaving the softer brass ball undamaged. What do you think that means? Mmm..?"
"I… I don't know. What?"
"Mmm…" Quire smiled in an unpleasant way, with no emotions at all reaching his eyes. "I don't know. If you figure it out, please tell me."
Their hooves were very loud on the tile floor as they walked into the round testing room. Minty smelled something in the air as she trotted over to the chaise, it was like burnt hair and it made her feel a little ill. She checked out the steel post and found that Quire had been on the money; the post was warped and almost split off near the base, but the brass sphere looked untouched.
"Mmm… Be a good fellow and gather the… mmm… data, won't you Gloaming? Mmm..?"
Gloaming nodded and went over to the test equipment. "Of course." He pulled an orange folder out of his saddlebags and started ripping the chart papers off of each machine and tucking them into it.
Minty trotted over and asked, "Umm… Don't those belong to the hospital?"
It was Quire who answered, "Don't what belong to the hospital? Mmm..?"
She waved a hoof at the folder that Gloaming was tucking away. "Those read-out chart things from the test?"
Gloaming raised his eyebrows and looked surprised. "Test? Was there a test, Mr. Quire?"
"I don't recall any tests, Mr. Gloaming. Mmm…" Quire turned and walked towards the door, "Come. Mmm… Let us retire, take some tea and have ourselves a little mmm chat, shall we?"
As they walked through the hospital's back hallways, Minty quietly thought about the strange situation she'd found herself in. She was just a paper pusher. A rubber stamp wrangler. What in Celestia was she doing involved in this stuff? Crazy powered unicorns… well… unicorn, so far. Mysterious stallions that seemed to be outside of the law, stealing confidential patient stuff and dragging her into this. Whatever it was.
She stood next to Mr. Quire on the hospital's front steps while Gloaming trotted out into the street to hail a cab.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Mmm..? Of course, Miss Treacle."
She sighed and asked, "Why am I here? You seem to want me in on this for some reason."
Quire coughed and turned to look at her. "Mmm… Do you remember when we met? You said Mr. Clickspring was your mmm 'client', yes?"
"Uh huh."
"That's why you're here. Mmm… I need somepony to be his mmm advocate while we sort this out. Somepony who cares about what happens to him."
Minty bit her lip and asked, "Is something bad going to happen to him?"
Quire's only response was a raspy sigh a few shades more morose than his usual tone.
Gloaming came trotting back with a cab following behind him, the big earth pony mare pulling it breathing gouts of steam from her nostrils. Quire started down the steps but turned and looked back when he realised that Minty wasn't with him.
"I… I don't know if I can do this, Mr. Quire."
He nodded and walked back up a few steps and looked her in the eyes. "Mmm… I understand, Miss Treacle. Please think about it and maybe talk with your friend… that red mare, but nopony else please. Mmm... We'll contact you when the doctors finish examining Mr. Clickspring and we have some idea of what to do." He turned and walked slowly down the stairs towards the cab door that Gloaming was holding open for him.
After he'd climbed in, Gloaming nodded to her and got in as well. Minty waved as the cab moved off and then stood for a while on the steps. It was getting cold as the sun set and she shivered, then trotted down the steps with the desire for a hot chai pushing her to find a cafe. Then some dull books to take her mind off of all this. And maybe a long talk with Jade. First, chai. A filly has to have her priorities straight after all.
Author's Note
Whew. Finally! This chapter was much delayed because I couldn't stop reading Starlight Over Detrot: A Noir Tale (https://www.fimfiction.net/story/34706/starlight-over-detrot-a-noir-tale). Sorry about that. :facehoof: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/facehoof.png
As always, please PM me if you spot any errors.
Edit: Now with a bunch of embarrassing typos fixed courtesy of the vigilant Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/223593/Cross+Lament).

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                  16 - That's No Plunger!                  
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16 - That's No Plunger!
The Carousel Boutique wasn't on the most direct route from the train station to Clickspring's home. But since they had a lesson scheduled for today it seemed easier to drop in and explain things now, rather than head home for a brew and then having to go out again. He hadn't planned on Rarity dragging him in for a cup of her own 'tea'.
Clickspring slurped the last of the herbal infusion from one of Rarity's delicate tea cups and savoured the slightly stronger flavours of the dregs. Chamomile, hibiscus and tulip. It was kind of tasty but not 'divine' as Rarity had declared when brewing up. He wasn't a big fan of drinking hot perfume. Rarity had grilled him about his trip to Canterlot, asking for anything he could remember about the clothing ponies were wearing this season.
Using both hooves he carefully set the cup back on its saucer with a clink. "And that's when they gave me this suppressor and told me not to use any magic until they've figured out what's going on."
The medical horn ring was enchanted to match the wearer's coat colour. But the chunky, thick ring around the base of his horn would be obvious to anypony closer than a few paces away. He couldn't sense anything with the horn, it had gone completely numb, though he could still feel the warm ebb and flow of magic passing through him. There was a slight sucking sensation from the ring as it drained excess magic, keeping it at a healthy level.
Rarity set her own cup down and shook her head as her horn glow faded. "Darling, that's simply dreadful! It's such a homely ring too." She pouted and looked thoughtful. "Perhaps a chapeau of some variety might be wise? I'm afraid I only make them for mares but Doc Stetson's Millinery over on Wain Street should have something to suit your facial structure. Perhaps a flat cap or fedora?"
"Umm… sure, I'll have a look. Thanks for the idea." Clickspring hadn't even thought of wearing a hat. He usually didn't, though he had a floppy rain hat for when he went hiking, maybe that would do.
"Did they at least have the courtesy to tell you when you'll be free to use magic again?"
"They didn't tell me anything. Just made me do a few tests, answer a pile of questions and took a few scans of my head. So I'm not sure if we'll be able to do any more training. You're a great teacher Rarity and I don't want to deprive some lucky foal. So I think we should call off the whole Master and apprentice thing."
"Let's… Let's not be too hasty, dear Clicky." She casually fussed with the frilled edge of a pillow on her seat and said, "Why don't we do this; just keep things are they are for now? Maintain the status quo until we know one way or another, hmm? You can still read the theory and when you're able to resume training we'll pick up where we left off."
Clickspring wasn't sure what to make of her reluctance to move on. He figured that Rarity would be tired of struggling to train his busted ass and eager to take on some other unicorn more deserving of her attention. In a way, he'd have felt relieved to just end it there, even though she had taught him some useful spells.
"Ok. Thank you, Rarity. I'll let you know the moment I hear from Canterlot."
"Excellent! I do hope you'll have good news from them soon." She levitated up the floral decorated teapot in her magic and politely asked, "More tea?"
"Oh, no thanks. I should get home. Being stuck in Canterlot for days has made me eager to get back to work."
Clickspring stood up and Rarity gracefully slid off of her chaise. When they reached the front door he said, "Uhh… t-there's something else I want to ask you about…"
Pausing next to the door Rarity batted her long lashes and asked, "Oh?"
"Did you… ah… Did you make changes to the apprentice admission form I gave you?"
"What? No. I'd never do something like that, Clicky. Why do you ask?"
Clickspring shook his head and said, "It's strange but the form they have in Canterlot has my T.C. as a ten point four. Somepony added a decimal, it's supposed to be a hundred and four. That's what I wrote."
Rarity gave him a puzzled look with one ear up, the other down and her head cocked to one side. "One hundred and four? But that's…"
"Impossible. I know. I know that now anyway." Clickspring chuckled and said, "If you think that's weird I got a hundred and nineteen when they tested me in Canterlot." He waved a hoof at his head. "I figure it's just my wonky horn messing with the equipment."
"I do hope that's all that it is. But your form did read ten point four when I picked it up in the kitchen and… oh…" Rarity's expression quickly went from curious to furious and she hissed, "Sweetie Belle."
Clickspring grimaced when faced with the suddenly angry mare. "I… better go. Thank you for the tea and everything, Rarity." He reached for the door handle with his magic, whinnied quietly when nothing happened and reached out to use his hoof instead.
With no leaves on the trees or brush Noctilucent had to go a bit deeper into the forest behind the hospital. She felt that it made a poetic sense that she ventured into the wilds in order to hunt.
She'd brought a thick blanket to cover the snow and she lay on top of it, still wearing her winter garb to ward away the chill. Cold and frostbite weren't dangerous for an alicorn, but it would still be uncomfortable to be out in it for too long.
As her spirit returned to her body she strained to pull her captured prey through from dream to reality. There were three pops, a bit like the sound of a cork leaving a champagne bottle, and three translucent spheres dropped onto the blanket and landed between her forelegs.
She glared down at them while her panting breath steamed out and blew away on the frigid breeze.
Dragging the disgusting dream imps into the real world had taken most of her magic, so she resorted to using her hooves to scoop up the spheres and drop them one at a time into her saddlebags. She would drain and banish them later, once she'd recovered a little. The third one was still wearing the form of a shark-toothed bunny plushie that it had used to terrorise a young foal. It mindlessly gnawed on the inside of the impenetrable spell sphere.
Noctilucent slowly stood up and walked around a little between the trees. She stretched and wiggled her hips around to get a crick out of her back and one of her stripy, knitted stockings—a Hearth's Warming gift from Derpy—slipped down. She tugged it back into place with her teeth.
Noctilucent sighed as she shook snow from her blanket, folded it and tucked it in on top of the imps. When she'd returned from Canterlot and began hunting using her revised seeker spells, she'd found that Ponyville was infested with the horrid creatures. She couldn't understand why there hadn't been more nightmares to deal with prior to now. She had no explanation for it but something was plainly wrong in Ponyville.
"Applejaaack!"
Standing in the cowshed Applejack sighed and pressed her hat down a little tighter onto her head. She waited for a few moments before putting her shoulder back into the heavy brush she was holding and pushed it along the already near spotless floor.
"Aaaplejaaack!"
Her little sister's voice was closer and realising there was no getting out of it, AJ leant the end of the broom handle up against the shed wall and trotted over to the door. "Ah'm in here."
Apple Bloom's face lit up and she trotted over, her breath steaming out behind her like smoke chuffing from a train engine. Big Mac followed a little more slowly, his big hooves making crunching sounds as he plodded through the hock-deep snow.
"C'mon, Applejack. It's time fer the Hoofsnow Fight!" Apple Bloom chirped with a big grin on her muzzle.
Applejack sighed heavily and reached out to adjust Apple Bloom's scarf a little. She shook her head and said, "Ah cain't go. There's jus' too much work right now. Ah gotta finish up in here, then check up on alla the apple trees an' then finish off mah pre-sen-tation for the Farmer's Local tonight."
With an angry pout, Apple Bloom said, "Aww, fiddlesticks! Yer always too busy workin' these days to have any fun. Ah ain't never seen you work so hard in winter afore!"
"Tell you what. After the Local meetin', how 'bout you an' me go out in the field and do some stargazin'?"
Apple Bloom stomped one of her little hooves and whined, "Ah don't wanna go stargazin' in the middle of the night in an empty field! Ah wanna go runnin' an' yellin' an' throwin' snowballs with mah big sister!" She broke out the big, puppy-dog eyes and begged, "Puhleeease, Applejack?"
Applejack sighed. But when she opened her mouth to say 'no' once again she was hit in the face with a huge, loosely-packed snowball. She coughed and spluttered while Apple Bloom giggled and pronked backwards. When Applejack had cleared the snow from her eyes she looked up and saw Big Mac standing a few meters away, balancing another huge snowball on one of his forehooves and with a big grin on his face.
"Ohhh! So that's how it's gonna be, is it?" Applejack growled.
"Eeeyup!"
Applejack cursed herself for a fool as she chased after Big Mac and Apple Bloom, pausing now and then to scoop up snow and sling it at them. After a few minutes of running, throwing and ducking she started to laugh and relax as they galloped around, smacking one another with snowballs. They quickly made their way into town where the Hoofsnow Fight was in full swing.
Everypony was out in the streets throwing snowballs at one another, making forts and having a heck of a time playing with the damp snow that had fallen the previous night. Old and young, stallion and mare, rich and poor were all busy slinging white balls at one another. Pegasi weren't allowed to fly and unicorns weren't allowed to use their magic, lest they be called 'cheaters' and ganged up on. It was just hooves and snow in a grand, town-wide battle of laughter and fun.
Big Mac and Applejack got into a running battle, circling around and around the frozen fountain in the town square while tossing snow at Lyra Heartstrings and her friend Bon Bon. Apple Bloom had run off to buy coconut coated marshmallow balls and hot chocolate with her fellow Crusaders. Applejack planned to get some once she'd shown Bon Bon that honest farmer pony muscle was better than town pony guile when it came to snow slinging.
When she spotted him, her quick, three-legged gallop slowed and she came to a halt. She stood, snowball in hoof, staring at that stupid, randy colt that she'd tumbled during the Festival. He was over by the fairgrounds with a foal riding on his shoulder, the young filly threw snowballs while Dirt Nap playfully chased a small herd of colts and fillies.
One of Lyra's snowballs slapped Applejack right on the cutie mark but she barely felt it. She figured maybe the ponies he was playing with were kin of the old mare she'd heard his father had up and married. He was part of a big family now and he looked real happy about it. No wonder he'd stopped coming around the farm and pestering her and Big Mac. Good. Good for him.
For the second time today, Applejack caught a snowball with her face. She spluttered and snorted snow out of her nostrils, then wiped at her eyes. Trying to convince herself that it was just her eyes watering from the sting of the snowball strike, she picked her hat up, dusted the snow off and plonked it back on her head.
She ducked Bon Bon's next snowball, kicked her rump into gear and took off after candy maker, scooping up snow to return fire.
Clickspring carried a tray in his mouth, trying to walk carefully as he made his way from the kitchen to the customer lounge in his shop. Only a little tea slopped out onto the tray as he set it down on the coffee table and fortunately none of it got on the cookies. The thought of mushy cookies soaked in cold tea made his dock itch. He turned his head and grabbed a novel that he'd balanced on his rump and plonked that down onto the table, then settled down onto the couch with a sigh. It was the most comfortable seat in the place.
He adjusted his kilt and settled his balls into a more comfortable position, then picked up the mug with his hooves. He blew on it and sipped a little too-hot tea with a loud slurp. Snatching up the book with his mouth, he propped it between his forelegs and nosed it open to his bookmark.
Technically his shop was open for business but there hadn't been any customers in days. Winter was a very slow time for farmers and craftsponies alike. There was no work to do in the shop. Not with the water wheel frozen solid and his horn locked down by the restrictor ring. He'd bought a second-hoof pair of earth pony shoes that were built for holding small tools, but they'd barely fit on his cloven hooves. After wrecking three gears with attempts to file teeth onto them, he'd given up and left everything scattered on the bench. He'd avoided the workshop ever since. The urge to buck all of the clocks to pieces and go for a long, one-way walk in the frozen forest had been almost unbearable.
Clickspring was no stranger to feeling self-destructive, so he'd coped in the usual way; with a trip to the library. The shelves were half-bare, as every other pony in town needed something to do during the winter months, but he'd found a few novels to beat back the gloom.
"Alright, Constable Gaskin. Let's see if you've figured out who the murderer is yet, hmmm? Or should I say 'the murderers'." Clickspring expected the next chapter would shoot down his deduction. Despite being terrible at spotting clues and logical thought, he enjoyed reading mysteries and imagining himself in the title role.
He'd only read a few page before somepony rang the shop's doorbell.
He tucked his bookmark in place, hopped up from the couch and walked to the door. It didn't make sense for anypony to use the bell when he had the 'Open' sign right there in the window. Clickspring flicked a switch with his hoof to disable the door chimes and opened the door.
Sweetie Belle stood on the stoop with a big smile on her little muzzle. Behind her were two fillies he hadn't met but had heard of; a pegasus filly and Applejack's little sister. He couldn't remember what they called their club. Something about cutie marks, which none of them had yet.
Clickspring struggled to keep his ears from folding back and to keep a pleasant smile on his muzzle. Three foals without their cutie marks and there was little chance that Sweetie Belle was here to commission him for his clock making skills. One markless foal was dangerous to property and sanity. Three of them was a recipe for epic disaster and with the Curse, just being around them was probably illegal and risked damaging their immature minds.
Sweetie Belle practically sang, "Good evening, Mister Clickspring!"
"Hi, Sweetie Belle. What can I do for you?"
She smiled cutely and asked, "Do you have an apple pie problem?"
"Uhh… No, I don't even have an apple pie."
"Well, that right there is an apple pie problem ain't it?"
The pegasus rushed forward and shouted, "Come on girls!"
Clickspring lost the battle to keep his ears up and a pleasant expression on his face as the three fillies charged into his home. He had to throw himself sideways against the wall to avoid being run down and after a moment he turned to give chase, letting the front door swing shut on its spring.
They left a trail of wet hoofprints for him to follow. The glass beads of the curtain between the showroom and the workshop flailed randomly and smacked him in the snoot as he pushed through them. He could hear the three fillies up ahead.
"Woah, check out all the clocks!"
"Never mind that, Scoots. The kitchen's over here an' we got work to do!"
Clattering into the kitchen Clickspring found all three fillies unloading their saddlebags onto his dining table. A bag of flour, a foil wrapped brick of butter, cinnamon, shugar and a pile of red and green apples. The speed that they were moving made him feel much older than he was.
"What are you doing in my kitchen?"
Sweetie Belle looked up at him from where she'd been rooting around in the lower cupboards and said, "We're gonna bake you a pie!" She dragged out a mixing bowl and carried it awkwardly to the table.
The little pegasus ran up, almost bumping into him. Clickspring jumped back as she danced on her hooves and asked, "I gotta go! Can I use your can?"
"Uh, sure. It's upstairs at the end of the hall."
"Thanks!" She dashed off, her wings buzzing and her hooves stomping loudly as she galloped up the wood stairs.
Sitting down in the doorway, Clickspring rubbed his temple with a hoof and asked, "Why are you making me a pie?"
Sweetie hopped up onto a chair and said, "Umm… My sister was real mad about what I did to your prenticeship form. She said I had to come over and appleologise." She turned around on the chair to face him and pouted cutely, "I'm really sorry, Mr. Clickspring. I didn't mean to get you in trouble."
Apple Bloom tore open the bag of flour causing some of it to puff up into the air and spill across the table. "Oops. Sorry 'bout that."
Considering his options, Clickspring realised that there wasn't much he could do. He couldn't chase them out on his own without risking physical contact. Nor could he fetch their family without leaving them to run amok. Better to just stay on hoof and try to control things if he could.
He couldn't fault somepony for trying to make amends either. What kind of lesson would that teach a youngster if he chased them out? Even though he couldn't eat apples the right thing to do was accept it.
"Thank you for apologising. You didn't really get me in trouble though."
"But you ended up with a no-magic ring."
"Not because of what you did." He sighed and asked, "Why did you do it anyway?"
Sweetie Belle grabbed a peeler and started carefully but not very successfully removing an apple's skin. "It's a percent. Which only goes to a hundred, so I thought somepony forgot the period."
"You were trying to help? That was… thoughtful of you, but you really shouldn't make changes on somepony else's form like that. Not without asking first." Clickspring rubbed a hoof tip against the base of his horn. The stupid ring made the skin around his horn itch.
"I won't! Not ever again, I promise." Sweetie tossed a mostly-peeled apple into the bowl and gestured at Clickspring's head with the peeler, splattering apple juice on the floor. "Does it hurt?"
"Hmm?" Clickspring went cross-eyed, trying to look at the ring around his horn. "This thing? No. It just feels numb and a little itchy."
"I'm really sorry I got you in trouble."
He shook his head. "Don't worry about it. They would have noticed it when they looked at the results of the T.C. test I did here in Ponyville. I don't think your added decimal was why they needed to see me in Canterlot."
Scootaloo's voice came down the stairwell. "Hey! There's something wrong with your toilet!"
Clickspring groaned, got up and trotted up the stairs. The bathroom door was half open and Scootaloo had her head poked out, anxiously watching him approach.
"What happened?"
She scooted back as he pressed a hoof on the door to push it the rest of the way open. "I, uh, it got blocked up. Sorry. Guess I shouldn't have eaten so much ice cream." Scootaloo gestured at the toilet, "I tried to fix it but your weird plunger got stuck."
Clickspring's large, rubber stallion cock thrust its head up proudly from the squat toilet. He shut his eyes, groaned and banged his head against the door. When he opened his eyes it was still there.
"S-sorry… Uh… Are you ok?"
In a very calm and controlled voice he said, "I'm fine. Please go downstairs and I'll take care of this."
"Umm… ok." Scootaloo walked a few steps and asked, "W-why do you have a mare's rump under your sink?"
The loud noise that came out of Clickspring was something between a squeal and a snort. It hurt his nose and made his eyes water.
Scootaloo ran off, clattering and stumbling down the stairs.
He walked into the bathroom and stared at the dong sticking out of the filthy toilet. It wasn't salvageable. Maybe if he could still cast the cleansing spell that Rarity had taught him, but there was no way he was going to try cleaning it off using just his hooves and mouth. It wasn't like he could take it around to a dildo cleaning shop either because there weren't any in Ponyville. Manehattan, sure, he could probably find one there, but not in Ponyville.
Grabbing the cock's shaft in his mouth he grimaced at the cold filly spit on it. He wondered how could she be so clueless about stallions that she thought this was a plunger? Must have been the suction cup base. It took a couple of good tugs but he pulled it free and placed it in the waste bin. Half of it stuck out and sagged to one side, jiggling a bit as it settled. At least the blockage was cleared and the toilet drained with a gurgle. He stood on the treadle to flush it again and then opened the cabinet door to check under the sink. Yep. There was his rubber mare's rump, the folds of its faux-flesh vagina clearly on display. At least it looked like the young pegasus hadn't moved it or done anything to it… other than using its existence to embarrass him.
He shut the cabinet, sighed and picked up the dildo laden trash can with his mouth and carried it into his bedroom. Shutting the door he pinned a mental note to get rid of it once he was alone again. Clomping back downstairs he walked into the kitchen to find the three fillies having a whispered discussion while they continued to work on the pie.
Scootaloo noticed him and sat up, cutting off what she was saying and going a bit red in the face as she blushed.
"Hi, Mr. Clickspring. Did you get it, uh, fixed?", Sweetie Belle chirped.
"Hi. Uh, you can call me 'Clicky' if you want. Yeah, it's fixed. How's the pie coming along?" They weren't making too much of a mess, though there was flour scattered about and he spotted a slice of apple on the floor under the table.
Apple Bloom stood up on her chair with her fore hooves on the handles of Clickspring's marble rolling pin. Her tongue stuck out the side of her mouth as she pushed it back and forth over a sheet of dough. "S'goin' real well, I reckon. Me an' Granny bake pies together all the time… Clicky."
"Good. Well… uh…" He wasn't sure what, if anything, he should be doing. He rarely had guests and none had ever barged in and started aggressively cooking for him before.
Sweetie Belle spooned some shugar into a bowl of sliced apple, using her magic on the small tablespoon. She switched to hoof to pick up a bigger wooden spoon to stir it in. After a few minutes of awkward but industrious silence she asked, "Are you a can… canna... cannibal?"
"What?!" Clickspring's head jerked so hard that his glasses nearly slid off of his muzzle.
Apple Bloom grimaced and said, "What the hay, Sweetie? Y'can't just blurt out a question like that!"
The three fillies all began talking at once while Clickspring blinked a couple of times in confusion and gently use a hoof claw to shove his glasses back in place. The gist of their increasingly loud argument was that if Clickspring was a crazy, pony-eating monster then they should run away and get help. Opinion was divided on who they should run to, with Apple Bloom favouring her big brother, Sweetie thought they should get Twilight and Elements of Harmony and Scootaloo insisted that Rainbow Dash would kick his rump.
They ignored Clickspring when he said, "Hey. But I'm not a cannibal." He raised his voice and tried again, "Hey! Fillies! I'm not crazy! I've never eaten anypony!"
The increasingly loud fillies ignored him. Sweetie Belle scattered a few gooey slices of apple mix on the table and Scootaloo's buzzing wings kicked up a small cloud of flour.
"QUIET!"
That got their attention. Though Scootaloo jumped out of her chair and ducked under the table.
Clickspring sighed and rubbed his eyes before saying, "This is about what, uh…" He pointed at Scootaloo hiding under the table and asked, "It's about what she found in my bathroom, right?"
"Her name's 'Scootaloo', and yep." Apple Bloom sat back in her chair and rubbed her flour coated hooves together nervously. "Umm… Why do y'have, uh, a butt in yer bathroom?"
Underneath the table, Scootaloo snickered and said, "Butt. Butt, butt, butt." Which got the other two giggling.
Clickspring really didn't want to have this discussion with anypony, let alone a trio of under-age fillies, but he couldn't see any other way that this conversation could go and no believable lie sprang to mind. "It's fake, not a real… It's made out of rubber. Look, I'm not a cannibal and if I were I'd keep body parts here in the kitchen instead of the bathroom. Right?"
"So why do you have a butt in your bathroom? Seems pretty weird to me." Scootaloo's guarded look at him made it pretty clear that Clickspring was not off the hook yet.
"Umm…"
"Is it an adult thing?" Sweetie Belle asked. "'Cause my sister got pretty mad when I found some magazines in her room that had pictures of ponies kissing and hugging and stuff. She said it was an 'adult thing' and I wouldn't understand and she made me promise not to… Oops!"
Clickspring coughed to cover up a laugh and sat down in the kitchen doorway. "Yes, it's... adult stuff. I guess you're all too young to have had classes about this in school yet."
"He's talkin' 'bout how babies are made." Apple Bloom chuckled and leant over the table to grab the rolling pin. She went back to rolling out the dough and said, "Ah don' need no classes to teach me 'bout that. We help the cows on our farm with their baby makin' in April an' with givin' birth in the spring."
Sweetie Belle perked up and asked, "Oh, that sounds neat! Can I come help with the birthing this year? Maybe I can get a midwife cutie mark."
"Y'sure can!"
Scootaloo stuck her tongue out. "Bleh. Not me! I was flying around and saw Mr. Angus and Mrs. Daisy out in a field-", she used her hooves to make air-quotes, "-making babies."
Clickspring squirmed where he was sitting, torn between keeping an eye on the fillies making a mess of his kitchen and having to listen to any more of their juvenile conference about sex. He hoped that Scootaloo wouldn't make the anatomical comparison between what she'd seen the cows doing and the dildo she'd been using as a plunger.
Apple Bloom set the rolling pin aside and scratched the side of her head, getting flour in her mane.
Sweetie Belle pushed the metal pie tin across the table so Apple Bloom could get the sheet of dough into it. She shook her head and said, "I wonder if my sister has a rubber butt in her bathroom?"
"Rubber butt! Rubber butt!" Scootaloo chortled as she finally came out from under the table and hopped back up onto her chair.
Clickspring chuckled and said, "I don't think you need to worry about that, Sweetie Belle. It's not like every adult has one."
"Why do you?"
"Oh… umm…" Clickspring waved a hoof vaguely in the air while he tried to think of a reply. "It's because… because I live alone."
"You have a rubber butt because you don't have a special somepony?" Sweetie Belle's voice was particularly squeaky.
Scootaloo's nose wrinkled and she asked, "You mean you-"
Clickspring interrupted. "Don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. Ok?"
She nodded and muttered, "I'm glad I didn't touch it."
"Me too. Now can we please, please stop talking about it?"
Clickspring hopped up and walked across the kitchen to his refrigerator. "Would any of you like a drink? I have, uh, just milk or water actually. Or I can make tea if any of you like tea."
"No juice?" "Or soda?" "Or coffee?" The fillies asked.
"Scootaloo! You ain't never supposed to drink coffee again. Remember what happened last time?"
"Yeah! It was awesome!" Scootaloo's eyes shone as she grinned a bit crazily.
Clickspring made a mental note to never give Scootaloo anything with caffeine in it. After the girls each decided on milk, he poured them glasses and set the kettle on to make himself some tea. The mug he'd left in the showroom would be stone-cold by now. He also stoked the wood fire a bit so the oven would be hot enough for baking the pie that was quickly taking shape. Apple Bloom certainly knew what she was doing and the results looked like something you could buy in the shop, which it probably was since the Apple family supplied a lot of pies to the local stores.
The fillies' conversation was quieter and Clickspring tuned them out, standing next to the kitchen sink, sipping his tea and gazing out the frosty window at the frozen river behind the mill. Another month or so and it would be Winter Wrap Up. The river would flow and he could get the mill running again. Hopefully, he'd have the use of his horn by then and he could get back to work.
He jumped in surprise and almost dropped his teacup as Apple Bloom brushed past him, carrying the pie tray's handle in her mouth. Fortunately, she'd only bumped into his kilt so the Curse didn't do more than cause an unpleasant stirring down between his thighs. He quickly backed away a few steps until he was as far into the corner of the room as he could go, with his rump pressing up against the refrigerator.
The little earth pony hooked a hoof into the oven's handle, swung the door open, slid the pie in and closed it again. She turned and said, "That'll be ready in 'bout fifteen minutes. You got a timer, Clicky?"
Clickspring chuckled and said, "You're asking a clocksmith if he has a timer? I have dozens of them!" He reached up onto the counter to set down his tea and to wind up one of the timers he kept in the kitchen. The apple-shaped one of course.
"Also, ah jus' wanted to say ah'm sorry 'bout the whole-", she waved a hoof in a circle, "-talkin' 'bout your, uh…"
Sweetie Belle chimed in, "Yeah, we're sorry too Mr., uh, Clicky."
"I'm sorry for wrecking your toilet and plunger."
"Ok, well, ah, thanks. I'm sorry you ended up seeing… that. I don't get many visitors, but I should be more careful. I guess."
It felt very weird apologizing to the young fillies. He should probably be angry. They barged into his home, made a mess of the kitchen, ruined his favourite dildo and embarrassed the hell out of him. Foals looking to 'earn' their cutie marks were a frightening force of nature. But he didn't feel angry, just tired and wanting to forget that this had happened. With any luck they could quietly wait for the pie to cook, share it, he'd thank them again and politely hoof them out the door.
It was quiet for a few minutes, aside from the fluttery sound of the oven's fire and a few cracks and pops from the burning wood.
Sweetie Belle sipped some of her milk and said, "Umm… Clicky? May I ask you a question?"
"Sure, as long as it's not about the, uh-" He waved a hoof towards where the bathroom was, upstairs.
She nodded and asked, "I was wondering why you don't have a special somepony? Did they die?"
Clickspring immediately thought about just saying 'yes' and leaving it at that. It would be the simplest answer and one they'd respond to with sympathy rather than another discussion of things best left locked away in a cabinet. But he'd been lied to a lot as a foal; told polite half-truths that made life more difficult later on. He didn't want to do that to anypony else.
"He didn't die, no. He met somepony else and moved out."
Apple Bloom gave him a funny look and asked, "'He'?"
"Do you have a problem with that?"
"Nope! Mah brother's kinda sweet on another stallion an' ah think they're cute together. S'just Scoot's said you have a mare's backside upstairs is all."
Clickspring sighed. They were back to talking about that again. Great. Maybe he could steer the conversation away from it. "I'm glad to hear you're not upset by your brother liking another stallion. I know there are some ponies who are upset by it."
"Weeeell… ah thought it was kinda weird at first when he come around tryin' to give my sister flowers n stuff. She chased him off an' later I found him an' Big Mac cuddlin' out behind the barn. But like ah said; they's cute together." She sighed sadly and said, "But he ain't been 'round in weeks an' weeks an' AJ's been actin' like somepony stepped on her heart."
Clickspring blinked and cocked a curious ear. "So he came to give your sister flowers and is also seeing your brother?"
She nodded. "Yep. Right after the Festival, so ah reckon they met there an' he fell in love with both of 'em. Ain't so strange, y'know. Herds are traditional an' we Apples is very traditional." She puffed her chest up, obviously very proud of her family heritage.
Clickspring suddenly remembered the 'Apple Adapter' cake Pinkie Pie made for Dirt Nap and he asked, "This stallion… was he a young earth pony, mostly dark brown with grey patches?"
"Yep."
"Hah! I know him. We're friends… sort of." Dirt Nap had never discussed what had happened at the Festival with Clickspring, but if he'd really ended up with the Element of Honesty and her big brother... Clickspring was impressed. And kind of jealous.
Apple Bloom jumped up onto her hooves and grinned. "Y'know him?! Can y'get him to visit Sweet Apple Acres?"
He held up a hoof and said, "I haven't seen him in ages. Not since before Hearth's Warming."
He'd last seen him at the post-Festival session with the cake, after which Dirt Nap had stopped going and Clickspring had only made it to one more. He'd been so busy preparing for winter, then Hearth's Warming where everything shut down and then that terrible trip to Canterlot. He'd been too depressed to go out since he'd returned home.
"Awww… ponyfeathers." Apple Bloom pouted and scuffed a hoof on the floor.
"If I see him, I'll let him know you want to talk to him. Ok?"
"Fair enough. Thank you, Clicky", she nodded and her large mane bow bobbed around for a moment. "Ah guess you must be like him then? You like colts and fillies?"
Clickspring nodded, "Stallions and mares, yeah."
"Then it should be easy for us to find you a special somepony!" Sweetie Belle squeaked happily.
"What?!" It felt like Clickspring's eyes were going to pop out of his head.
Scootaloo snorted and said, "We don't gotta do anything. He'll meet his special somepony at the Festival."
"Nuh uh! My sister's gone for years and she hasn't met hers." Sweetie Belle waved her hooves in the air, "And what if his special somepony isn't a unicorn?"
"Hey!" Clickspring unconsciously stomped a hoof for emphasis. "Stop it! I don't need your help! I don't even want a special somepony. I'm f-fine with how things are right now." He felt his heart lurch a little at that ears-up lie. Then realised that his ears were flat to his skull, so he struggled to get them to stand up in the tense silence that followed his outburst.
Just as he got them up and had damped down his emotions, the timer went off and the jangling racket made his ears twitch flat again. He smacked the button on top of the plastic apple, inhaled a deep breath while looking out the window and slowly let it out. Apple Bloom grabbed a mouth-cloth and opened the oven door. The scent of pastry, cinnamon and apples in the kitchen became overpowering and Clickspring's tummy rumbled loudly.
Apple Bloom glanced at him as she extracted the pie and her giggle was muffled by the cloth. She trotted over to the table and carefully slid it onto a wire cooling rack, then trotted back to hang the cloth up on its hook next to the oven. She gave Clickspring a wan smile and said, "You gotta let it cool down for a while. I guess we'll… Oh! Wait, did ah…?" She turned to check her side and sighed when there was no cutie mark.
The other two fillies checked themselves and groaned in disappointment.
Clickspring smiled and asked, "What did you think you'd get cutie marks for?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "Not pie makin'. Ah been doin' that since ah was a little filly. Maybe housekeepin'?"
"Apple peeling?" offered Sweetie Belle.
"Plumber?" said Scootaloo, which made Sweetie Belle giggle.
Clickspring snorted a surprised laugh as he imagined Scootaloo with the image of his ex-favourite dildo blazoned on her flank. That would be one Tartarus of a cutie mark to try and live with.
Apple Bloom trotted over to the table and wiggled into her saddlebags. "Ah'd better get home afore it gets dark."
Sweetie Belle hopped down from the table and squeaked, "Me too! Rarity said I had to be back before sunset."
Clickspring trailed behind the three fillies as they walked to the front door. He coughed to get their attention and said, "Thank you for, uh, dropping by and for the pie. I'm sorry for yelling."
Scootaloo laughed and said, "No problem. We get yelled at a lot."
Clickspring smiled and nodded. He'd had an easy time getting his cutie mark, but he sympathised with their anxiety over it. No doubt they were bullied by other foals like he'd been bullied because of his stupid horn.
"Have a safe trip home."
"G'nite, Clicky. Enjoy yer pie."
"I will, thank you."
"Bye, Mr. Clickspring."
"Bye, Sweetie Belle. Tell your sister I said 'Hi'."
"I will."
"Later!"
"Take care, Scootaloo. And eat more fibre, ok?"
That got all three of the fillies laughing as they trotted off, their hooves muffled by the thin snow that covered the road. Clickspring shut the door and flipped the sign over the 'Closed'. He walked back into the kitchen, closed his eyes and inhaled the rich, delicious scent of fresh apple pie. Then he got to work cleaning up the mess of spilt flour, egg shells, apple peel and empty glasses.
Author's Note
Please PM me if you spot any issues in this chapter. :twilightsmile: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightsmile.png
Now with a pile-o-fixes courtesy of
Cross Lament

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  1 - What Rough Beast Slouches Towards Ponyville (v2.1)   
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1 - What Rough Beast Slouches Towards Ponyville (v2.1)
Princess Celestia yawned and stretched, luxuriating in soft cloth-of-gold sheets. It was very dark and cozy in her massive oval bed due to thick red velvet curtains draped over the gilded pillars that surrounded it. She did not want to wake up. It would be so easy to close her eyes and slip back into dreamless slumber. But she sensed the Moon's eagerness to retire for its own well-earned rest, and brightly tinkling chimes assured her it was indeed time to get her rump out of the royal bed.
Duty called.
She slid from under the silky sheets and nuzzled her way through the bed curtains. The Moon was in her darkest phase, having waned to on a thin sliver, leaving Celestia's room in near darkness. A brief touch from her magic and gems set into curving alabaster walls brightened, casting their own imitation of silvery moonlight. Blinking the dregs of sleep from her eyes, she gracefully walked to a gold and gem encrusted clock that stood upon a rosewood table. After a jaw-cracking yawn, she pressed a hoof against a small button, silencing its tiny bells.
She nodded at it, satisfied that it was keeping the correct time. No doubt one of Luna's staff was switching off the alarm on this clock's twin in the Night Suite. They were ancient and linked by a simple but robust enchantment which kept their time keeping and alarms synchronised. Broken and silent they had lain in storage at the Royal Canterlot Museum, dusted off and displayed to a curious public every few centuries.
Restored gears and gem inlays gleamed like new as the beautiful clock quietly ticked. The confidant mechanical sound brought a nostalgic smile to Celestia's muzzle.
It was a shame that her sister's recovery could not be so readily achieved.
White feathers hid a jaw-cracking yawn as she walked outside onto the balcony. Celestia nodded 'good morning' to one of the matched pair of watchful guards who stood on either side of the ornate, glass doors. It had been too beautiful an evening to close them and a fresh cool breeze blowing in from the mountain kept her chamber from becoming too stuffy while she slept.
Her ethereal mane rippled as she walked to the railing and gazed into the heavens where a bright sliver of Moon hung near the horizon, a twinkling field of stars its backdrop. Horn glowing, she touched it with her power and reached beyond the opposite horizon for the Sun. It wasn't subtle magic, just a gentle but tremendous shove using her body as a fulcrum. She couldn't help thinking of herself as a glorified juggler and this was a command performance could have performed in her sleep. Sometimes, she had.
The Moon's edge kissed the horizon and she released it from her grasp.
Celestia turned and ambled back past the guards, nodded 'good morning' to the other one, and went back into her bedroom. She felt temptation to crawl back into her comfy bed — Sunday was ironically her day off. Aside from juggling the sky. She hoped that Luna would take charge of the Moon again soon and it wouldn't be a solo performance for much longer.
Celestia sighed and settled atop a large pillow in front of her vanity. She gazed for a moment into the mirror at her beautiful if sleep mussed face, but rather than reaching for a brush she unlocked a secret catch inside the vanity with a flick of her magic and slid open a hidden drawer. Nestled within were a dozen scrolls and letters. She slipped one out in her telekinetic grasp and unrolled it.
Luna's most recent, and last, private letter.
Dearest sist'r of mine.
Twice the moon hath turned since mine own return but mine own strength doth nae wax and fears doth nae wane. Though tis sweet in de'd to standeth with thee again, dearest one, I doth still cast a fae an heavy shadow, an beareth it lone.
I do begeth thee, prithee, to bear longer that which shouldst be mine own burden, the moon's passage, frae a time longer. Wouldst yond that I coulds't taketh it from thy fair shouldrs, but for being still a shade of mine own f'rm'r glory.
Mewling myself h're in Canterlot doeth nae help. Thou knowest me well, an I must taketh action! Nae more quietly sitteth on mine own rump and mark seconds f'r health's returning. Y'r sist'r hath sallied forth into the w'rld, f'r I hath found a lodging wh'rein I may seeketh a crumb of redemption, to learneth all yond is anew with our subjects, while marking the behoveful time f'r mine own spirit to healeth. F'r my speech shall I also lessons attend, I assure thee.
Seeketh me not, but knoweth well I shall heareth thee crying in the visage of dire threat an shall flyeth to thine aid, f'r I am at each moment near.
By mine own hoof, an thine in sist'rly love, Luna.
The calligraphy was exquisite. The words unsettling. It had been almost a fortnight since Celestia had found this scroll waiting for her on the vanity. Twilight Sparkle had written since then assuring her that Luna was living secretly in Ponyville's library, in good health and good company.
Celestia's lips quirked in a subtle smile. She shook her head as she returned the scroll to the secret drawer and slid it closed until there was a quiet click as the lock engaged. Luna was making good use of the Golden Oaks Library and Twilight's tuition to catch up with modern times and update her manner of speech. Knowing her once-exiled sister was so near made it very tempting to visit, but if her sister needed quiet time away from Canterlot and her duties, then Celestia would be patient a little while longer. A decade or two if need be.
Just in case, she had alerted several Agents of the Crown who called Ponyville home. Commanding them to keep their eyes and ears open and inform the Royal Court of anything out of the ordinary — she didn't inform them that Luna was walking among them. There were already several reports of extremely loud and unexplained outbursts of somepony making declarations in Old Canterlot, but so far nopony had put two and two together. For Luna, that was keeping a low profile.
Turning her nose up at her brushes, Celestia stood and stretched. Arched her back, flexed her tremendous wings, and then lifting kitty corner legs to stretch each of her long, alabaster limbs. She heaved a contented sigh as there were a few satisfying pops from her joints. Celestia slithered back under her bedsheets and nuzzled the pillows into a more comfortable configuration, determined to put off breaking fast for an hour or two. Maybe three.
Herding the Sun and Moon, day after day, took a lot out of a mare, Princess or not.
"We declare to thee, ti's barest sooth yond cakes-of-the-pan beest most tasteful!"
Spike stood on a stool next to the stove, wearing a chef's apron and tall hat. He snickered as Princess Luna shovelled pancakes into her muzzle with not an ounce of royal dignity. Twilight sighed and used a napkin to wipe a stray blob of syrup from her lavender cheek.
"Princess Luunaaa?" She smiled as Luna looked up through pale blue bangs, syrup dripping from her chin. "You're slipping into Old Cant again, remember we talked about this? About when you get excited?"
Luna squinted and swallowed, forcing the pancakes down. "Oh. Oh, yes. we recall. Pray forgive Our…. *ahem* I mean, please forgive mine, MY, lapse."
"Come ooon, Twilight!" Spike switched off the stove's gas burner and hopped down to the floor, waddling over to deliver a stack of blueberry pancakes to his number one boss and bestest friend. "Wait until you try 'em before you chew her out. You might start talking funny too!"
He grinned as Twilight giggled and ruffled the green crest on his head.
Luna mumbled around another mouthful, "These are truthfully most delicious, Spike. Thank thee, uh, you, for preparing us this delightful repast. Verily, your skill with the skillet has me looking forward to waking with the dawn!"
The little dragon puffed out his chest as he poured syrup over his own stack. Twilight forked a portion into her mouth and continued to worry about Luna rather than enjoy her admittedly delicious breakfast. The Princess' linguistic skills worried her. Though much improved since the startling night Luna had shown up at the library's back door, unannounced and pleading for private tuition. Even when she didn't slip into Old Canterlot, her sentence structure and phrasing were a mishmash of ancient and modern.
At least she wasn't using the deafening Royal Voice anymore.
While Spike cleared up after breakfast, Twilight and Luna retired to the library. Although it was open to the public, everypony else was out and about, enjoying the gorgeous summer's day. They retired to one of the private reading rooms and shut the door, just in case.
"I'm not sure you're ready for this, Princess," Twilight whined as she locked and silenced the door.
Celestia had reassured Twilight that the Elements had completely purged Luna of her inner demons, but she couldn't help worrying that Luna might have a relapse. Or be hurt herself if something went terribly wrong. At least Twilight's new friends were nearby if she needed help, though she hadn't breathed a word to any of them about the princess living in her basement. Not blabbing about Luna's secret visit was very difficult, especially with Applejack and Pinkie Pie. Twilight told everypony she was working on a research project for the Princess. (She just hadn't mentioned which princess.) AJ seemed to have a nose for the whitest of lies and Pinkie…
Twilight had wasted a whole day looking for peep holes and traces of scrying magic in the library after Pinkie had given her a knowing wink and grin.
Luna's desire to reconnect with the citizens of Equestria was very similar to the task of making friends that Celestia had given Twilight. She wouldn't take back anything that had happened since then even if some of it had been terrifying. She loved her new friends, including the princess they'd saved together.
Luna nodded, acknowledging and dismissing the bookish unicorn's concern. "Thy concerns for Us, me, are touching, fair Mistress Sparkle, but I will begin my penance today. To work again in service of our people in part payment for Our… for my crimes as Nightmare Moon. If we are to rule by Our sister's side I must reconnect with the common folk, learn all that is new in their world. While you are enamoured with books, I need be more hooves-on with the world and the time is ripe as I have finished refining my illusory guise."
Luna's horn flared with her pale blue magic and it washed over her body, from head to hooves. Where the wave of magic touched, her blue coat turned a pearlescent white and her pale blue mane became a warm orange with red streaks. Her earth pony-like tail lengthened as its blue hair receded, leaving only a streaky brush of orange and red at the tip. She held her wings closed, and they faded from view, cinched against her barrel with gentle but firm bonds of magic. Her slender body shrank a little, going from 'young princess' to 'unicorn average' in a few heartbeats. The glow intensified to an almost blinding light as it reached her earth pony-like hooves. The most difficult part of the complex spell, it reshaped her hooves into the cloven form that most pure-blood unicorns were born with. It had taken Luna several days to grow accustomed to walking with them.
She slowly spun in a tight little circle, showing off her new form to Twilight. Her cutie mark had become a golden magnifying glass with two golden stars beside it.
"What dost thou… Culs! What do you think, friend Twilight? With this new form, we may blend with the Ponyville town folk, all the while still being able to perform magic without drawing comment. I must need be mindful not to use mine wings, however."
Luna's disguise was beautiful! Perhaps too beautiful. Nopony would look at her twice in Canterlot but she might have trouble blending in with the average Ponyville folk.
Twilight sighed and said, "It's a shame we can't do more about your horn. It's… kinda on the big side now that you've shrunk down."
Going a little cross-eyed to peer up at her horn, Luna shrugged slightly. "There is nowt to be done about it. Changing the colour is as much as can be done. It is fortunate in an backwards way that I have yet to regain my full stature, or my horn would be an ungainly length indeed in this guise."
Twilight gazed at the princess using magical sight and nodded to herself, the unicorn disguise held up against scrying as well. There was no sign of her wings. She couldn't deny that this disguise would fool even her. "At least your magic has grown strong enough to pull this off and you've certainly learned a lot about recent history. I think you'll blend in if you're careful about what you say. Except your voice is… Uh…"
Luna sat down and slumped. "I am still too strident?"
"Yes, sorry, and it doesn't help that you slip in Old Cant phrases sometimes." Twilight hesitated, not sure if the gesture she was contemplating was appropriate or not, but her budding research into friendship suggested that it was worth attempting and would be a good experiment for a letter to Celestia. Hesitant and stiff, she laid a comforting hoof over Luna's withers, only possible now she was unicorn instead of alicorn height. "Maybe in another week? Or perhaps a month? If you keep practising every day with me and Spike I'm sure you'll smooth out the rough edges."
Not-Luna didn't shrug off her overly familiar limb. She smiled at Twilight and shook her head, "Nae… I am ceaselessly impatient. Is there aught else that can be done to safeguard mine tongue?"
Safeguarding her tongue? Hmmm… A tiny bulb of light appeared at the tip of Twilight's horn.
She knew just the book.
"Spiii-iiike!"
Spike looked up from where he was lying on his belly in his and Twilight's bedroom, a comic book lying on the floor in front of him. "Yeah, Twilight?" he shouted.
"I'm going out for a bit. Can you look after the library until I get back, please?"
The little dragon hopped up and waddled to the landing at the top of the stairs. He leaned over the railing and saw Twilight's saddlebag-laden back leaving through the front door. "Ok, Twilight! I'm on it!" The little dragon scooped up his comic and trotted down the curved stairs into the main room of the library. He loved being placed in charge like this! Even if it was only Sunday, and nopony would set hoof in the library today.
He glanced around and called, "Princess Luna? Hello?"
'Hmm… maybe she's gone out with Twilight or is hiding in her room?'
When Luna had shown up at Twilight's door, they had quickly re-purposed one of the store rooms in the basement, setting up a comfortable enough sleeping and study area for the princess. She had spent most of her time down there, studying and keeping a low profile.
Dragging a stool over he clambered up to a lectern near the entrance which supported a large map book of Equestria. He flipped his comic book open atop the self-updating magic tome he dove back into the latest adventures of The Fauntastic Four. He knew they would defeat Veterinarian Doom like they always did, but it was how they did it that mattered. A few colourful pages later, something he did not expect to happen, happened! And not in the comic! The library door opened and the pony who hesitated before stepping inside wasn't Twilight. She was about the same build but her coat was an off-white pearl, with a fiery mane and tail of orange with many red streaks. Her cyan eyes that peeked up shyly at Spike from behind her long bangs.
He'd never seen her before and he called out, "Well hello, miss! My name is Spike and I'm in charge of the library!"
'While Twilight is out anyway', he thought while hopping down from his stool to approach the shy-looking mare.
"Is there anything I can help you with? A book you're looking for?"
She lowered her head, almost touching her muzzle to the floor and looking at him out of the corner of her eye. When she spoke it was barely louder than a whisper, "We seek… Um, I mean, y-yes, I-I'm looking for a book. O-of course. Why else would I v-venture into a library?"
Bemused for a moment, Spike broke into a grin. She was just like Fluttershy! Even sounded a bit like that shyest of shy ponies. Maybe she adored dragons too?! "Oh, well, okay. I'm just the dragon who can help you with that! See all these books?" He made a grand, sweeping gesture to the shelves and boasted, "I've read 'em all!"
The shy mare blinked her big eyes and nodded while her mouth formed an impressed 'O' shape. She quietly mumbled, "Be, um, are there any about d-dreams?"
"Oh, sure!" Spike sighed a little in relief. "Whew, yeah, I know where those ones are. Follow me miss, uh, what's your name?"
With a smile she bobbed her head, causing more mane to fall over her face, "I-I'm Noctilucent. P-pleased to meet you, L-Librarian Spike." Her voice a quiet whisper that Spike had to strain his dragony ears to understand.
He led her to one of the many bookshelves on the north side of the small library and gestured up to a shelf he would have needed a ladder to reach. "They're all up there, help yourself! I have to get back to reading, uh, a very important book. Call me if you need anything!"
He left Noctilucent as she pulled a book from the shelf with her magic. He glanced up from his comic as a chair's legs scraped on the floor. Noctilucent gave him a quick apologetic smile as she scooted her rump onto the chair. The way she squirmed and struggled with the simple act of sitting seemed familiar somehow, but Spike shrugged it off. About a half hour of quiet page turning later, the library door opened and this time it was Twilight who trotted inside.
"Hey, Spike! I'm back! Did anything inter-"
Spike shushed her, tiny green flames darting around the finger he held in front of his mouth. "Shhhhh… Twiliiight… Library, remember?" He gestured with a thumb over his back to where Noctilucent was sitting, gazing up at them through her flame-coloured bangs.
"Ohhh… Ah heh heh. Sorry about that, miss." Twilight smiled at her number one best library assistant, and whispered, "Thanks, Spike."
He breathed green fire on the claws of his hand and polished them on his chest, grinning. Twilight quietly clopped past and into the kitchen, her saddlebags loaded with groceries. Spike wanted to follow her, to see if there were any tasty cupcakes or gemstones, but he kept to his post and his comic book. Re-reading it to make sure he hadn't missed anything.
A few minutes later Twilight returned and gave him a ruby encrusted cupcake and glass of milk before dismissing him, saying she would take over if he wanted to go enjoy the snack. Once her purple and green assistant had scurried off to their bedroom in search of a fresh comic, she turned and approached the other unicorn. Spike could hear a whispered conversation taking place downstairs, but tuned it out as he dove into the latest issue of The Dog Knight Returns.
"So, how did it go?" Twilight whispered to the disguised Luna.
Noctilucent pumped a hoof in the air and shouted, "Tis a triumph, Twilight Sparkle!" But Twilight's voice changing spell damped it down to a mere whisper, while also adjusting the tone and timbre. "Yon dragon didst nae twig t'was I all along! And thy suggestion to appeareth dainty and to stutter wast most aidful in granting Us time to contemplate modern ways to express Ourself."
Making shushing motions with her hooves, Twilight tried to tone down Luna's celebration. "Shhh! Shhh… Okay, okay, that's good news. But don't blow it now." Thank the stars Luna hadn't used the Royal Voice — Twilight doubted her spell could survive such a blast.
Noctilucent looked puzzled and leaned close to Twilight, "We see no stallions present, pray tell how coulds't we 'blow it'?" Luna was justifiably proud of her hard-won grasp of modern vernacular, even if much of it made little sense.
Twilight blushed and groaned. "Just, try to stay in the role. Please? I think it'd be best if I tell Spike that you, I mean 'Princess Luna' you, went back to Canterlot. The fewer ponies and dragons who know who Noctilucent is the better, right?"
Luna nodded and settled down, reaching up to brush her mane back over her eyes. "Agreed. We, I wouldst, would prefer that as well. Also? Also." Slipping into the role she stuttered, "I do th-thank thee, you, Mistress Sparkle. Y-you have a good h-head upon your s-shoulders."
Twilight smiled and continued to blush but for more wholesome reasons. Not one, but two alicorn princesses had complimented her on her intelligence, that had to be a record for anypony. "Stay and read for a bit longer, before you go. So Spike doesn't think I chased you out or something. Okay?"
Noctilucent nodded and went back to reading a book on dream interpretation. The author's fanciful imagination was most amusing, misguided but entertaining, so she didn't mind staying a little longer. But she would have to leave before noon so she could take a mid-day meal before reporting to the work placement she had arranged. With her new disguise and possibly shaky acting, she was confident enough of being able to blend in and learn about modern ponykind while waiting for her strength to return.
Author's Note
The very first chapter of my very first story. :twilightblush: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightblush.png
I've used several spelling checkers, Grammarly and Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament) rubbed her eyes all over it, but please let me know if you spot any errors.
Edit: I've re-written Luna's letter to Celestia. After a little research, I found that the royal 'We' is typically only used in official documents, which this letter certainly isn't.
v2 Edit: I didn't make any big changes to the story in this revision; just tried to tighten things up a little and made a few creative tweaks.
v2.1 Edit: Noticed I'd left a ">>" note to myself in the copy. :twilightoops: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/twilightoops.png

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                 11 - Earth Pony Festival                  
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11 - Earth Pony Festival
Inside of the Ponyville clocktower it was cool, much cooler than the warm day outside. The weather team had made certain that today would be a sunny and warm so that the muddy fields around town would be dried out for tonight's Festival. But the old stones of the clocktower were still slowly drying and this kept the inside downright chilly.
Clickspring shivered as he slowly made his way up the narrow stairs, carefully placing each hoof as a tumble down the spiral staircase could easily end in broken limbs or a busted head. His head had had quite enough busting done to it already. Unicorns were adapted to living in high places; mountains, cliffs, mesas and of course wizardly towers. It was why they had evolved cloven hooves, which were far superior to an earth pony or pegasus hoof for picking a path through rocky elevations.
A small sphere of yellow light led the way, bobbing gently in the air a short ways in front of his nose, and Clicky felt proud of his small accomplishment in casting it. His lessons with Rarity were paying off, although he had brought a lantern along as well, just in case. His saddle bags were loaded with wrenches, screwdrivers, an oil can, rags, and he had also brought a picnic dinner as he planned to stay for a while.
At the top of the stone stairs, he fished out a key with his magic, inserted it into the lock in the wooden floor hatch (from this side it was a ceiling hatch) and used a hoof to unlock it. Popping the hatch open he walked up into the mechanism room of the tower.
“Ready for your weekly windup and health check, ma’am?” he asked the clock’s interior.
He trotted over the creaky wooden floor and dropped off his equipment at the base of the clock’s mechanism, then walked over to where the driving weight hung suspended on a rope. With the weather getting cooler he would have to add a little more weight to the driving mechanism before winding it up.
He picked up one of the spare cast iron disks from where they were haphazardly stored on the floor, as he slipped it into place on top of the suspended weights his glowing light popped like a bubble and he was left in the dark. He sighed and with a quick flick of magic he lit the oil lantern which he'd left with his saddle bags. True to his cutie mark, Clickspring was adept at lighting things on fire; it was one of the few spells he could cast as easily as breathing.
The loud 'tock-tock' of the clock went silent when he stopped the swing of the pendulum and locked it in place. Then he slipped the crank handle into the rope drum and wound up it up, lifting the stack of weights up to the ceiling. Even the rope was looking worn thin and smelled musty as rot slowly worked its magic on the hemp fibres. With a grunt he yanked the winding handle free and then unlocked the pendulum, giving it a light push to get it swinging again.
Armed with a tin of oil and a cloth he lubricated and cleaned up the clock mechanism and gave it a thorough inspection.
He sighed and told the clock, "You're just about ready to fall apart, ma’am. Sorry old girl, I'll send the town hall another request for a strip-down and rebuild, but it'll just end up in the round bin again."
The town paid him every week to take care of the clock and they'd most likely employ him to rebuild it when it finally broke down. He was the only clockmaker in town after all. While he enjoyed the extra bits for keeping the old machine running and 'accurate', it made him uncomfortable to let it wear out.
After checking the watch that hung on a chain around his neck, he slipped a small pin out of one of the clocktower's gears, thus disengaging the hands. He climbed up onto a small stool so he could reach the long shafts that led to the clockface and grasping the minute hand shaft in his fetlocks he grunted with the effort of turning it. It was a simple but effective way of correcting the weary clock's growing inaccuracy. He'd be up here every blasted day during the winter to take care of this because just like an old pony, the clock became even more cranky during the cold months.
Popping the pin back into place, Clickspring's maintenance was finished. But he planned to stay holed up in the tower until well after sunset. Tonight was the earth pony Festival, and while he didn't feel the Call, wandering through Ponyville while randy mares and stallions made their way to the Festival ground was a recipe for disaster.
Or at least embarrassment and discomfort.
After settling down on the wood floor and leaning up against the cool stone wall, he dug his dinner and a novel out of his saddlebags and settled in for some quiet time. Quiet, aside from the loud tocking and hourly bell ringing.
Attending a funeral was a grim way to begin one’s Festival day, and Dirt Nap thought it was probably for the best that the widow, Mrs. Nicker, was far too old to feel the Festival’s Call. He couldn’t imagine having to go from mourning in the morning to rutting in the evening. Then again, perhaps that could have provided some relief from the grief? One thing Dirt Nap had learned from working with his pa was that everypony reacted differently to a death; most were understandably sad, but some dove headlong into being alive.
He and his pa, Patch Balm, stood a little ways off from where the family of the departed were clustered around a grave that they had dug this morning. Their heads were bowed in respect and his pa held his scruffy, old straw hat against his chest with one hoof.
Patch Balm—dwarfed by his big son, who took after his ma—had a mottled grey hide and a once-green mane, now faded to a matte grey that almost matched his coat. Born and raised in the back-of-beyond had made him a tough, bony and scarred old pony who’d come into fatherhood very late in life, losing his wife in exchange.
A celestial priest wearing a half white, half black robe spoke a few words of comfort while each family member took a turn to toss a hoofful of earth into the grave. Tears were shed, comforting hugs were exchanged, a small bag of bits was placed atop the gravestone and the family of mourners moved away with the priest in tow.
Patch Balm put on his hat and picked up a small sack of various pony remains that they had unearthed while digging the grave. The cemetery had been in use from even before the founding of Equestria; there was even a prehistoric barrow sharing the hilltop. So whenever a new grave was dug it almost invariably meant digging through somepony else’s last resting place.
After gently depositing the sack of bones on top of the coffin, Patch Balm scooped up the bag of bits, pocketed it and turned to smiled wanly at Dirt Nap. He said, “Shame,” and then picked up one of the two spades in his forelegs and got to work.
Dirt Nap picked up the other spade and asked, “Yeah, pa?”
The grave was a good third of the way filled before Patch Balm replied, “No rain.” He looked up at the sky, shook his head and got back to work.
Patch Balm had clear-cut ideas on what made for a good burying: gloom and rain were required. Dirt Nap couldn’t agree with his pa though, rain made a bucking mess of digging and then filling a grave, even if it did set a more appropriate mood than the bright, sunny weather they were enjoying today. There was something unsettling about planting a pony while birds chirped, little critters scampered and merry music played in the distance.
After they finished filling in the grave and tramped the earth down with their hooves, they placed cut sod over the dirt rectangle and loaded the excess earth into a cart. Somepony was sure to have a use for it in their garden.
As he pulled the cart Dirt Nap could feel an exciting thrum pass through his hooves with every step, a mild jolt that almost felt like electricity or a deep bass note hum. The earth pony Festival Call tugged at his senses, making him horny and promising something wonderful if only he would turn south-west and head out of town.
Dirt Nap unhitched himself from the cart and followed his pa inside of their house, which was the town’s funeral home as well. There was a morgue in the basement, which some ponies might find creepy but it didn’t bother Dirt Nap none. Dead ponies weren’t anything to be frightened of, it was the live ones you had to keep an eye on. The deceased were very patient. There was one down in the cellar right now but she’d quietly wait for her turn, which wouldn’t be until after the Festival.
After a thorough shower and brushing they ate a light dinner together, nothing fancy or heavy. Nothing was said, as Patch Balm was a quiet sort and Dirt Nap couldn’t think of anything he wanted to discuss with his pa. All of his thoughts were on the Festival and he felt both eager and afraid… he still hadn’t decided. Mare or stallion? Or maybe both? And what was he going to do about his pa’s reaction if it wasn’t just ‘mare’?
As the sun crawled towards the horizon, Dirt Nap and his old pa headed out onto the dirt road leading out of Ponyville and towards the Festival. They joined a stream of happy ponies walking that direction, many wearing their best get-ups; nothing ‘Canterlot fancy’, but everypony wanted to look good. Eye were bright, ears were all perked up, hooves were lifted high in energetic trots. Mares were whipping their tails around, some flagging high, most kept demurely low over female parts made slick with anticipation. Many cocks were dropped, flopping around or held up at half mast beneath twitching bellies.
Dirt Nap did not look over at his pa as he certainly didn’t need to see that. Nope! His own droopy, hanging-out-for-all-to-see condition made his ears flush with embarrassment. But he kept walking despite it.
“Patch, you old gloomy gus! C’mon, hop on up here and take a load off!”
One of the passing waggons held a party of older ponies, and an old stallion was leaning out over the tailgate to yell at his pa. Patch Balm took off with a grunt and was quickly hauled up onto the waggon by a couple of the occupants and after getting settled he waved a hoof to Dirt Nap. Who shook his head and tried not to look over at the waggon for fear of what he might accidentally see.
“No, pa. Ah’ll catch the next one.”
Patch Balm shrugged and moved deeper into the waggon, looking for a place to rest his weary legs. There was no way, no how, that Dirt Nap wanted to go bouncing along the dirt road in a waggon load of grey, old ponies, all sitting around with boners or wet old mare parts. Dirt Nap shuddered at the thought as the next waggon in line rolled past.
There was no room on it, or the next one. They were packed solid with ponies who were playfully groping one another, drinking hard cider and lifting their voices in raucous song. So Dirt Nap just kept trudging along the road, with all the rest of the ponies who hadn’t caught a ride. The warm throb of the Call rising up through his hooves with each step was energising and strangely calming as well, so he wasn’t in a hurry. Trotting would’ve involved far too much bouncing of floppy parts anyway and he hoped there would be somewhere to wash up once he arrived at the Festival. Nopony likes a dirty dong after all. Well, almost nopony.
Dirt Nap’s ears twitched as he heard some familiar music with an insistent, throbbing bass-line and high pitched, electronic twittering for its melody. Stopping and looking back over the heads of the shorter ponies that herded down the road, he spotted a waggon covered in tinsel, with a small platform built into the centre of it. Rising out of the platform was a pole and two stallions were dancing on it; very lewd dancing that involved rubbing up against the phallic pole and one another. He recognised them from his trips to The Back Passage, so he walked back toward the waggon, almost walking in the ditch beside the road so he wouldn’t get in anypony’s way.
He did have to venture out into the ditch in order to get around the crowd of ponies—mostly mares—who crowded around the waggon. Stallions being randy with one another held a fascination for many mares and some of them were catcalling and hooting as they stared up at the dancers, egging them on.
Dirt Nap squeezed his way through to the back of the waggon, rubbing shoulders with the sweaty and aroused group who were following the party-on-a-waggon. He spotted a pony he knew and called up to him.
“Hey, Double D! Mind if ah catch a ride?”
The bright pink bartender looked down at Dirt Nap in surprise. “Oh! Hi, Napster. Sure, why not? Think we have enough room for one more hot body.” He reached out a hoof and locked fetlocks with Dirt Nap, and was almost pulled down from the waggon as the big youth clambered up.
This was more like it. Certainly much better than riding along in his pa’s company, at least the ponies on this waggon were having a good time. A half dozen or so ponies were up on their hind hooves dancing, and along the sides of the waggon others were sitting, chatting, waving to ponies who were walking. Dirt Nap was tempted to barge in on the dancing, but as that would likely end with somepony being knocked over, he settled down opposite Double D.
He felt strangely less embarrassed about having a boner, sitting amongst ponies he knew or had at least bumped into at the Back Passage. Everypony was happy, relaxed and aroused at the same time. Being away from the ground helped a little, the Call wasn’t quite as intensely arousing.
Somepony yelled at the dancers, “Hey! Hey, lads! Remember; no poles-into-holes! Not until we get to the Festival at any rate.”
There was laughter all around as one of the dancer’s blew a raspberry at the yeller, and several voices, both on and off the waggon, called out “Awww”, “Spoilsport” and “Go for it!”
A half hour of partying later they arrived at the Festival’s location: a pair of farms which hadn’t had the greatest crop yields this year. One night of rutting by the town’s earth ponies later and this land would be restored, ensuring a bumper crop next Fall. Farm ponies were always reassured if they had a bad year, because they’d get the honour of hosting the Festival and next year’s harvest would more than make up for it.
The Back Passage waggon rolled up the driveway to a farm with the unimaginative name of Tater Fields, and Dirt Nap saw that his pa was waiting for him near the arbour gate that marked the entrance to the Festival grounds. Dirt Nap saw his pa stare at the dancers, who were wrapping up their routine with one of them mock mounting the other, his pa then looked right at him while he wished he could ooze down through the wooden floor. One of the old stallion’s eyebrows raised in what Dirt Nap imagined must be disappointment, before he turned and trotted away through the gateway.
Dirt Nap groaned and dropped down off of the waggon.
The Tater and the Turnip families were keeping very busy, welcoming guests as they arrived and Dirt Nap found himself being greeted by a pretty little mare the colour of a red potato.
“Welcome t’the Tater Fields, stranger!” she said, with a big grin on her freckled muzzle. “Best lil tater farm in all’a Equestria. Ah’m called Ruby Spud, what’s yer name big fella?”
“Uhmm… Ah’m Dirt Nap. Pleased t’meet ya, Miss Spud.” Dirt Nap felt a little proud of how easily he was able to talk to this strange, energetic mare who was very much invading his personal space. It seemed like spending time around Pinkie Pie at the group sessions was paying off.
“Awww, jus’ call me ‘Ruby’.” She blew a lock of her white and yellow mane out of her eyes and waved a hoof to the entry arch. “C’mon, I’ll help y’all get rigged up for the Festival.”
‘Rigged up?’ Dirt Nap didn’t know what she was talking about, but the Call was pulling him towards the gateway, along with everypony else.
The breeze around the arbour was heavily scented by the masses of late blooming flowers woven into the trelliswork and as they passed through, the Call abruptly changed. Instead of the hot, pulsing waves which made his hooves itchy, the field’s earth felt cool and soothing. It was like walking from hot sand into a cool stream.
Just past the gate were a dozen or more wooden poles set into the ground, each with a rainbow of brightly colour ribbons loosely tied around them. Dirt Nap chuckled and shook his head when he realised that the flared tops of the poles were meant to symbolise a stallion’s cock. Milling around the posts, ponies were stopping to take a ribbon and tie it around the dock of their tail, or rather somepony else would tie one around a pony’s dock.
Ruby Spud trotted over with a yellow ribbon dangling between her lips.
“Hlld still, big boy.”
Dirt Nap backed away from her, his eyes wide. “Ahhh…”
She squinted and trotted past him mumbling, “Dnn be uh fuull! Ah dnn baht.” As she went past he noticed that she already had a bright blue ribbon on her rump. Once she was behind him she whipped the ribbon around his tail, stood up on her hind legs and stretched up to slide it up and around his dock, where she quickly tied it in place.
“They ya go.” She patted his cutie mark and said, “All set fer the contest.”
“Contest?”
“Yup! It’s yer first Festival, right? Well, when ya… y’know… you collect the other pony’s ribbon. The stallion n mare with the most ribbons when the moon’s on high are crowned the Prince and Princess of the Festival.”
She walked on past him and out into the field. “C’mon, Dirt Nap. Ah’ll show y’round, seein’ as it’s yer first time an all.”
A dozen or more tables and carts were set up in the courtyard between the Tater family’s farm buildings, all decorated with garlands of flowers, streamers, balloons and brightly painted signs advertising their goods: Adult toys, disposable towels, foods of all kinds and drinks both hot and cold. There was also a photo booth and a hoofful of games, like ‘Bit Toss’ and ‘Plot Darts’.
Phallic and vaginal symbolism featured strongly in the decorations and Ruby Spud treated him to a basket of deep fried potatoes that had been carved into the shapes of dicks and labia. He felt somewhat embarrassed about eating them but true to her promise they were quite tasty. The Tater family were rightly proud of their produce. Ruby Spud certainly was and she talked his ear off with facts about potato growing, potato storage, and potato recipes.
What he really wanted was some apples!
“Uhh… Ruby, how’s ‘bout ah treat you to dessert?”
Ruby Spud shrugged and said, “Ok. Thank you kindly.”
Dirt Nap moseyed on over to the end of the line in front of a waggon with a fabric sign for Sweet Apple Acres held up over top of it on a pair of poles. As they waited in line, Dirt Nap tuned out Ruby Spud’s ongoing stream of facts about the wonder of the common potato and looked around at the gathered crowd of ponies.
It was just like any other pony festival so far as he could see, other than the lack of young-uns. Just ponies standing around in the field’s dirt, some of them dressed to the nines, chatting, laughing, eating and drinking, nothing like he’d expected. Sure, there was some kissing, a lot of dropped cocks, quite a few erections and such, even some affectionate smooching and snuggling. But nothing like the hot and heavy stuff he’d seen in the back passage.
Realising that they’d reached the counter, Dirt Nap turned away from the crowd, threw four bits up onto the table and said, “Two apple fritduhhhh…”
“Two apple fritters comin’ riiight up! Granny, two fritters!”
As ancient, green pony tottered around behind the table, getting his order put together, Dirt Nap’s brain went on vacation. She was beautiful. Her orange coat and yellow mane had been brushed until they shone, but it was her impish grin that made Dirt Nap’s heart stop. The way her cute muzzle crinkled and those pretty little freckles on either side of her limpid green eyes. Her body was muscular and athletic, but also somehow sleek and feminine. An earth pony princess!
“Uhhh… y’all right there, mister?”
Applejack waved a hoof in front of Dirt Nap’s face. “Hello? Anypony home?”
Dirt Nap’s mouth snapped closed and he glanced around. Ruby Spud was staring at him. An old green mare who was impatiently holding out two paper bags for him to take was staring at him. The stunning, green-eyed beauty was staring at him!
There was only one thing he could do.
Dirt Nap ran.
“Now whut in tarnation stuck a bug up his bee-hind?”
Ruby Spud shook her head and lied to the green grandmare, “Darned if ah know. Only just met him m’self. Stallions, eh?”
Applejack chuckled and shook her head, before waving the next pony in line forward. Ruby Spud took the two bags of apple fritters, not her favourite food by any stretch of the imagination, and wandered off in search of Dirt Nap. It had been plain to see how twitterpated he’d been over the apple selling mare, but his galloping off like wolves were chomping at his bits didn’t make any sense to her.
Tonight was all about meeting somepony and getting sticky after all. She’d been kind of hoping that somepony might be Dirt Nap, but now there was no sign of him anywhere. After wandering through the crowd in her own family’s field, she went through the gate into the adjoining fields that belonged to the Turnip family and hoofed around for a while through the slightly less dense crowd of ponies. Nope. No sign of him.
Growing tired of carrying the nauseating bags of sweet smelling fritters, she dropped them off in one of the waste bins and pondered where he might’ve gotten to. The farm buildings seemed like the most obvious place to look, so she started off towards the Turnip family’s barn.
“LADIES AND GENTLECOLTS! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?”
Mayor Mare’s amplified voice rolled out over the fields and the random clumps of ponies began making their way over to a stage at one end of the Tater Fields.
‘Aw, heck. Time to get the night started.’ Ruby Spud sighed and began making her way towards the stage as well, abandoning her quest for the hottest young stud she’d seen all night.
She squeezed her way into the large crowd and found a spot to stand, though she couldn’t really see the stage it felt nice being surrounded by other ponies. Living way out of town on the Tater farm was frequently quite a lonely life, so being pressed from all sides by warm, sweaty bodies that reeked of sexual excitement felt really, really good. She loved being part of something bigger than her own dull existence.
That she’d get shagged at least once tonight and might meet a nice colt to go steady with kindled a warm glow in her heart and under her tail.
“Ahem! Ladies and gentlecolts!” Mayor Mare stood at a lectern and waved a hoof in the air, “Welcome to this year’s Festival, the festivities and contest will begin shortly. But I want to extend a special ‘thank you’ to the Tater and Turnip families for hosting this year’s event.”
There was much hooting and stomping of hooves on the recently ploughed earth.
“Everypony do your part to ensure they have bumper crop come next fall. Does everypony have their ribbon tied on? If you’re missing a ribbon, now is the time to speak up and one of the Festival wardens will be happy to help you. Once the moon is overhead we’ll count ribbons and announce this year’s Prince and Princess of the Festival.”
The mayor raised both hooves in the air, “The moon is rising! Let the Festival commence!”
Everyone’s voices were raised in a cheer, a certain pink pony bounced way high in the air shouting, “Woo hoo!” as her party cannon exploded and showered everypony with colourful streamers and confetti.
Ruby Spud chuckled as a couple next to her exchanged a sloppy smooch and then he got to work, mounting up onto her back and getting himself lined up. She didn’t know if they were serious competitors for the title or just couldn’t stand to wait any longer. Several other couples in the crowd were also getting right down to business as most other ponies trotted off, mostly in pairs with a few groups and singletons. Many were heading for one of the shelters that her family had spent days setting up around the property. Colourful lean-tos mostly, but a few tents here and there, all set up to provide a little privacy for those who wanted it.
Feeling pretty damn horny and single, Ruby Spud decided to invest just a little bit more time into looking for Dirt Nap. A quick tour of the farm buildings and then she’d give up and look for love with some other pony. The farm buildings were off-limits, so one of her brothers was standing guard, wearing a warden’s mask that was painted to look like a cascade of fall leaves. He was playing at being a guard and snapped to attention as she walked up, giving her a salute.
“All quiet, ma’am!”
“As y’were, Private Tuber.” She giggled as she walked into the barn and had a good hunt around for any delicious ponies that might be lurking. But there was no sign of the shy, grey and brown stallion.
Getting into the Turnip’s barn was a bit more tricky. But since she was on her own and the Taters and Turnips were good neighbours, Purple Top just waved her on in. As Ruby Spud walked through the door she felt a stinging pain across her rump accompanied by a loud crack sound.
“Hey!” she cried and whipped around to glare at Purple Top.
The other mare giggled and made kissy faces at her while wagging a willow switch held in one of her hooves.
“No fair!” Ruby groused, “It ain’t that late yet.” She pouted and rubbed at her stinging rump.
“Jus’ a friendly reminder, shugar cube. Let me know if y’all want a helpin’ hoof with that ribbon, ok?” Purple Top made more kissy faces and threw in a very broad wink.
Ruby Spud sighed and walked into the barn. After rooting around, poking her nose behind dusty storage bins and climbing up into the hayloft, she’d made sure that no Dirt Naps were hiding in there. She stood alone in the barn, grunted in annoyance and yelled, “Sod this!” It was time to go look for somepony else.
The Hay Pole was always a good bet, so she headed over to where it thrust up into the night sky. The long, colourful ribbons were being unwound after the last dance, so she cooled her hooves in the dirt while waiting.
Dirt Nap was sweaty and dirty from his frantic gallop through the Festival, dodging around surprised ponies and eventually leaping the fence and almost disappearing into the forest.
The suddenly hot-again Call had drawn him to a quick halt, like a leash tied around his scrotum, and he’d stood out there at the edge of the forest, panting and cooling off while he tried to sort himself out. These feelings that seemed to come from nowhere, crashing into his heart and setting it racing. He’d only seen that apple mare for a few moments and suddenly she was all he could think about! The shape of her cheek, the way her mouth had moved when she smiled at him, her eyelashes, the sound of her voice; “Y’all right there, mister?” The warm curiosity and honest concern echoed inside of Dirt Nap’s head.
It didn’t make no sense!
He’d been around plenty of other mares and nothing like this had ever happened. It was intoxicating and terrifying. But, one thing was certain, he couldn’t just stay out here, not without risking that terrible Curse that poor Clickspring was afflicted with. Dirt Nap shuddered, raised his head and looked around.
There was no way in Tartarus he could get up enough speed to jump over the fence again, there just wasn’t room between the forest and fence. So he started walking beside it, following it along and looking for a gate that would let him back in.
He looked up into the fields and could see ponies had broken up from the large gathering and had spread out across the fields, where many of them were getting down to it. Or up to it in the case of several stallions who he could see up on top of their partner’s back. Dirt Nap’s dong drooped back down out of the sheath it had retreated into during his wild escape, flopping about between his thighs as he looked for a gate.
There weren’t any ponies down at this end of the field as there weren’t many torches for light and it was where the temporary latrines had been set up. The scent of dung made his nose wrinkle as he quickly trotted past them and finally found a gate through the fence.
Making his way back towards the top of the field to where the concession stands were set up, Dirt Nap tried to avoid tromping through any of the various ‘love nests’ that ponies were using for, well, making love. Or at least making one another sticky. The path of least resistance took him right through the middle of the field, past a small stage on which several ponies were putting on a show.
Judging by the masks and costumes that the actors were wearing, Dirt Nap figured it was some kind of mythology play. As he trotted away the small audience broke into politely clopping applause when the music, and the participants, came to a climax.
At the top of the field, near the farm buildings, he hid beside a waggon and gazed across the open space between it and the Sweet Apple Acres sales booth. Sure enough, the stunning orange mare was still at it, selling everything apple and edible to a much shorter line of ponies. She was still beautiful, so that hadn’t been a fluke and he still had no idea what to do about it. Trying to think about how to approach her, Dirt Nap took a few paces forwards and then nervously pranced back behind the waggon again.
What would he say to her? His father would likely not say a thing, so that was no help. He’d seen a few ‘pick ups’ at the Back Passage, but while he was thankful that his time there had made it easy to wander through a field of ponies in rut, he didn’t think the slick pick up lines he’d heard would work on an honest mare.
She really did such like such an honest, simple farmer pony. He squinted his eyes while watching her cheerfully hand apple treats to a customer.
‘Orange mare, hat, apples...’ His mouth fell open in shock. Was he lusting after The Element of Honesty? ‘Nope! Nope, nope, nope!’
Dirt Nap quickly backed up behind the waggon and his trembling legs geared up for another round of fleeing across the countryside, when suddenly he felt a stinging slap across his rump accompanied by a loud ‘CRACK’ sound.
Squealing in shock he leapt out from behind his cover and wheeled around to see what had assaulted his ass. He found himself facing darn near the biggest stallion he’d ever seen, with a coat of red, a long birch made of bundled sticks in his mouth and a guardian’s mask over his face. The mask was painted a dark green and jutting out from the papier-mâché forehead, just where a unicorn’s horn would be, was a long phallus which was painted a lurid purple.
The shock of being surprised and assaulted like that didn’t keep Dirt Nap from eyeing up the stallion. He was very well muscled, even more so than Frostbite, and he had the kind of solid, big boned body that was built for working the land, not a gym club. Even with visions of Applejack dancing through his head, Dirt Nap couldn’t help feeling drawn to the big, red stallion.
He stood, mouth hung open and imagining being cuddled by the big brute.
The big brute who swung his head and caught Dirt Nap a light, stinging blow across his withers with the birch held in his mouth. He walked forwards and bumped his chest into Dirt Nap, pushing him back and turning him. In moments he was being herded across the open area, towards the apple sales booth, with light swats on his rump.
At the start of the Hay Pole dance, Ruby Spud had made certain to grab one of the pink coloured ribbons in her mouth. Pink was for a mare seeking a stallion. There were other colours for other sexes and preferences.
After an energetic dance around the pole, with half the ponies going clockwise and half going counter, weaving in and out, she found herself nose to nose with a handsome enough stallion. His name was Caramel Apple and although he was a smaller stallion than really rang her bell, he was handsome enough. And willing. Enthusiasm certainly counted for a lot, to Ruby’s mind anyway.
As they wandered around the Tater Field, looking for an unoccupied lean-to, they walked past a stallion who was lying on his back on a blanket spread over the earth. A very pink pony was bouncing up and down on top of him giving him a wet, messy and noisy ‘cowgirl’ ride, her poofy mane bouncing up and down with a half dozen ribbons tied into the curls.
Ruby Spud was admiring her enthusiasm when she abruptly stopped and yelped, “Twitch-a-twitch! Twitch-a-twitch!”
Ruby Spud was certain she was having an orgasm and from the loud groan that the stallion gave, he certainly was. But the pink pony abruptly leapt up off of her partner and hared away through the field, leaving the stallion’s cock jutting up into the air as he came a white geyser of spunk.
Ruby Spud’s nose wrinkled and she hurried after her stallion, but she saw a pink blur as the pony suddenly reappeared, ducked her head down between the stallion’s legs and then went scooting off again with a ribbon hanging from her mouth.
“Hey there, Big Mac! Looks like ya done found him.”
Big Mac spat out his birch, caught it in the crook of a foreleg, and said, “Eeeyup.”
Dirt Nap stood stock still aside from a little trembling as Applejack walked out from behind the Sweet Apple Acres booth to get a good look at him. She almost seemed to have a glowing aura as she walked up, looked him over with an appreciative eye and said:
“Y’ll do.”
The voice of an angel!
She walked past him and when she saw the ribbon tied to his tail she said, “Looks like we both done got ourselves an itch to scratch. Well, c’mon, ah got an ‘rangement with the Taters for someplace comfy-like.”
Dirt Nap wasn’t completely sure what was going on and just stood and watched as Applejack trotted off towards the farm buildings. Big Mac bumped into him and nearly knocked him off of his hooves. The bigger stallion grabbed his birch in his mouth and motioned for Dirt Nap to get going.
Granny Smith watched her grandfoals leave and sniffled a little. “Ain’t that just the sweetest thing? Young-un’s off to get their itches scratched.” She wiped one of her eyes and turned back to the waiting lineup of ponies. “Ah well. Ah ain’t got no itches no how, just lumbago an' vittles to sell. Come’n get yer fresh apple watsits! Fresh pie! Fresh cider! No bumpin’ or humpin’ in line now!”
Applejack stopped at the barn door to talk to the warden who was guarding it. “Why don’t y’all go off n get yerself a lil somethin’ an’ Big Mac here’ll take over for ya fer a while?”
Since he was still wearing his ribbon and Big Mac had already gotten rid of his, the Tater family’s son nodded and eagerly trotted off into the field. Dirt Nap wasn’t sure what to make of any of this, but when Applejack turned, tipped her hat back and smiled warmly at him his brain decided that thinking wasn’t really needed right now. His painfully erect cock agreed and all thinking was put on hold.
“Awww… Big Mac, look’t how eager he is. Bet this is yer first time, ain’t it, shugar cube?”
Dirt Nap numbly nodded.
Applejack’s grin even wider and she patted his cheek. “Boy howdy, I loves me breakin’ in a colt. Well, c’mon shugar cube, ah won’t buck ya too hard, now.” She turned and flicked her tail against his muzzle before trotting into the barn, her warm laughter like music in Dirt Nap’s ears.
Big Mac bumped up against him and gave him a light shove with one of his hooves.
With his brain switched off Dirt Nap looked over at the big, handsome and somewhat sweaty stallion pressed up against his side, and kissed him. It was a fumbling, confused and awkward kiss, but one with a great deal of passion behind it. Big Mac just stood there and took it, with a very surprised look on his face.
“Come on, shugar cube! The hay ain’t gettin’ no less lonely in here!” Applejack’s voice called from deep inside the barn.
Big Mac stepped away, shook his head to clear it and gave Dirt Nap another push. “G’wan. Git.” As Dirt Nap stumbled off into the barn he took up watch next to the door.
The inside of the dirt-floored barn had a dusty odour from the heaps of potatoes in sack and bins along one of the walls. It was dark, aside from a lantern towards the back, which is where Dirt Nap walked slowly and eventually he found Applejack. She was laying on her side in a big pile of hay with a few stacks of hay bales around forming a hidden ‘room’ in the barn. Her signature hat was hung tossed aside and her long, yellow mane was down, almost blending in with the hay.
Applejack waved to him with a hoof and then patted the hay next to her. “C’mon in an’ lay yerself down.”
Feeling disconnected from the wonderful reality in front of him, Dirt Nap stumbled forwards and laid down on the crinkly bed.
“What’s yer name, shugar cube?”
He stammered, “D-Dirt Nap.” After a moment’s hesitation, he politely added, “Ma’am.”
Applejack captured his chin with one of her hooves, turned his head to face her and she kissed him. Her eyelashes fluttered and she smiled as she said, “Ah’m AJ. I was right flattered by yer twiggin’ out earlier. Ain’t often a stallion gets so worked up over me that he runs away like that.” She chuckled and winked at him.
“Ah… Ah’m sorry, ah jus…”
She pressed a hoof over his mouth and murmured, “Don’ matter none. Y’all come back, so ah guess ah must be pretty enough after all. Though I felt kinda bad for the lil filly y’left standin’ there with fritters instead of a fella.”
Dirt Nap’s ears flattened and he really, really didn’t want to think about that right now. Neither did AJ apparently, as she kissed him again and his ears popped right back up.
“Now, c’mon. Lemme show you how to please a mare.”
With what he’d read—or rather what the pictures had shown him—in the books Dr. Cake had loaned him, and with AJ’s helpful guidance, Dirt Nap found that eating apple pie was great fun. He didn’t mind putting off his own throbbing need, and AJ’s moans of pleasure sent his shaky confidence soaring. He was so intent on pleasuring the beautiful mare and playing with the new ‘toy’ she’d loaned him, that he didn’t notice somepony walking up behind him.
He felt a hot breath as somepony nuzzled his tail aside and suddenly his aching balls were extremely warm and wet as a large tongue slithered over them. He moaned into AJ’s sopping wet labia as the newcomer’s tongue slithered higher and he found himself on the receiving end of the same kind of oral attentions he was lavishing on AJ.
Applejack’s shaking hoof pushed his muzzle away, she rolled over and climbed up onto her hooves. Flagging her ribboned tail out of the way she winked at him and in a husky voice she said, “A’right, stud. Time fer the main event.”
Dirt Nap was torn between staying right where he was and enjoying the stranger’s tongue or moving forward to mount up. The decision was taken out of his confused mind as the tongue disappeared and two big hooves were placed on his rump to shove him forward.
Sliding along AJ’s sweaty back, Dirt Nap fumbled for a moment before his cock slick into her, his own groan of pleasure matched by her high pitched moan. Then a big, hot, sweaty body slid up over top of his own back!
“B-Big Mac! What in the hay?!”
Applejack’s startled yell echoed slightly against the roof of the barn, where Pinkie Pie had wedged between a one of the barn’s trusses and the roof. She stuffed a hoofful of popcorn into her muzzle and muttered to herself around the mouthful as she watched Applejack, Dirt Nap and Big Mac.
“Wow! So that’s what that ‘twitch-a-twitch’ means. I’ve never seen anypony make the Beast With… Um… One. Two. Three. … Eight Legs before! No. Ten Legs. Oh! No...”
Applejack had collapsed but was still in the game. “G-git y-yer own...” she brokenly moaned.
Pinkie Pie rubbed her chin. “Nope. Six Legs. Being squished against the ground like that counts as no legs.” She nodded and shoved another mouthful of salty, buttery popcorn into her mouth and settled in to enjoy the messy, squelchy, moany, groany show.
She was going to miss out on being Festival Princess, but this was oh, so much better! Seeing ponies caring and sharing always put a smile on her muzzle and she knew just what kind of cake she was going to bake for Dirt Nap’s ‘Special Someponies’ party.
Author's Note
So much for my plan to write a chapter a week... :facehoof: https://static.fimfiction.net/images/emoticons/facehoof.png
I may write a blog post on why this took me so long, but in summary: Life sucks sometimes. The next chapter will come out whenever I finish it; no more trying to stick to a schedule. Schedules are helpful for getting things done, but only seem to make me feel worse when life gets in the way of sticking to them.
Editorial fixes courtesy of Cross Lament (https://www.fimfiction.net/user/Cross+Lament).
Please let me know if you spot any issues... aside from how I spell 'shugar'. Thank you.