Deadpool: Equestria's Hero?

by MetalJrock

Rating: mature
Tags: Sex, Random, Crossover, Dark, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Gore, Spike, Comedy, Other, Starlight Glimmer
Length: 3612

Deadpool tries to become a hero in Equestria. It doesn't go well.

Crossover with R-Rated movie me!

Yo, peeps! Deadpool here to tell you about a seriously weird crossover!

Basically, it's the whole cliche. I end up in Equestria after time-space nonsense and now I'm here with these adorable ponies! But they don't think I'm adorable.

Anyway, at least I'm not alone. I got Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead as my sidekicks! Because even in fanfiction, they're the only two we can afford.

So, of course like any crossover, the fate of Equestria lies in our hands. God help them. Vanessa will never believe me.

Published 2017-03-10 05:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2017-04-20 16:01:31 UTC

The Old Beat

"Yo! I think I should establish something. This story's got blood, guts, and lame sex jokes up the wazoo! Heh, I said wazoo. Like the totally kickass movie about me, it's not for the weak of heart."

"To anyone wondering. I am writing this in my convenient journal that Twilight gave to me. We'll see if this becomes a theme every chapter to begin with. Who would'a thought I'd be using this as a fourth-wall framing device? Besides me of course."

"Basically, we're starting at the beginning of this tale. The story of how those X-Men teacher's pets tried to snub my fucking redemption."

Deadpool sat on the roof of a building, swinging his legs back and forth as he waited for something. He bobbed his head to the vulgar rap playing on his walkie-talkie radio in boredom, taking the time to write something on a piece of paper. He turned his head to the side and greeted an audience, "Oh, hello there."

"You might be wondering why this is like the beginning to my movie." Deadpool pointed at an invisible camera, "Well, that's because the author is an unoriginal tool that can't come up with a brilliant Oscar worthy prologue to a story of such a high-caliber." he raised a finger, "And because it's to show how awesome I am."

Deadpool looked down, "Basically, I've heard from a few... resources that there are asshats trying to take some random scientific mumbo-jumbo prototype from a big megacorp. Is it Trask Industries being morons? I dunno. But it's a big deal, which is why yours truly is here. Couldn't afford Wolverine to get this job done."

The mercenary heard the sound of a car speeding. "Well, this is my stop! This shit's gonna be more nuts!"

"Maximum Effort!"

The assassin dived downward into the sun roof, breaking apart thr glass window into shards. He saw mercenaries wielding a variety of weapons in there and began to kick ass. He kicked the driver, slamming his head onto the wheel, making him honk the horn for a second. Someone with a metal arm tried to choke Deadpool, but he used a small knife to slit him in the throat, creating a large wound to kill him by bleeding out. The insane hero gasped. "Alright, you group of numbnuts! Where is that random junk you stole?"

"You'll never get it." the man in the passenger's seat declared, aiming a pistol at Deadpool. Wade raised his hands at the gun being at him and his masked eyes went wide.

"Oh no..." he faked gasped, "How did you know guns were my weakness? Whatever shall I do?!"

Before the mercenary pulled the trigger, Deadpool grabbed his own pistol and shot him directly in the center of his forehead. "Oops. Looks like I lied. Aaahhh!" he screamed, feeling a serious stinging pain in his chest, making him flinch. He looked down, seeing the tip of a blade covered in red protruding his chest.

"Damn it." muttered Wade, more annoyed than anything. He reached for his back and pulled it out, stabbing the culprit in the back before they could react, "Ah. That felt good." he looked behind him, giving the driver a wedgie before stabbing him and taking the wheel, spinning the car out of control.

"You're not getting that science stuff, mooks!" Deadpool bragged while sitting on the lap of the driver he killed, pressing his foot harder on the wheel.

He turned the car through traffic in the highway, causing the police to intervene to block off that lane. "How convenient for my epic batte." commented Deadpool, seeing the scene through the rear-view mirror for a second.

The vehicle skidded to halt after spinning. "Woo! So glad that went better than last time. No corpses on highway signs. New record!" he cheered, hopping out of the seat. He scoured around the back of the car to look for something.

"Aha!"

In his hand was a glowing metal orb, "Wow. It looks like something that belongs in a big-budget space opera. Yoink!" he said, putting it in his pocket.

To get out, Deadpool kicked open a trunk. He was expecting a few things. An empty street. Maybe people celebrating his victory in anorher crime foiled. But he wasn't expecting the tall metal man and teenage girl, both of them wearing yellow similar looking uniforms. The metal man crossed his arms in disappointment.

"Wade."

"What the shit, Colossus? I had this covered!" Deadpool shouted, hopping out of the car onto the street. "Why are you even here? I didn't do anything!"

"News." said the teenager, "You really should be subtle in hijacking and skydiving."

"Shut up, Negasonic Teenage Warhead!" scolded the Merc with a Mouth. "I didn't need an answer."

Colossus furrowed a brow, "Deadpool. Why continue the slaughter? It is unnecessary. I thought you were trying to be better for Vanessa?" he asked.

"I am! She doesn't care unless I'm evil. And let's be real, they would've gotten away if it hadn't been for me unaliving them." Deadpool elaborated, putting his hands on his hips. "So thank me later."

"We were already following the car in the X-Jet." Negasonic commented.

Deadpool groaned, "Damn it! Y'know what?" he reached into his pocket, showing the X-Men the orb. "I got this. I am taking this for myself so no evildoer shall ever use this!"

"No, Deadpool. I shall take it back to the mansion under the protection of the X-Men." Colossus declared, reaching for it. Wade slapped his hand away, making sure not to break his limbs again. "It is a trans-dimensional modifier. It allows travel across dimensions if twisted. That is too dangerous in the black market."

Deadpool held the orb tighter, "Hey! In that case, why not send this baby to another dimension?" he twisted the device, causing it to glow even brighter, "Say goodbye, night bright!"

Negasonic sat on the rail, choosing to stay out of the conflict while Colossus spoke. "Deadpool. It is unstable. That is why we cannot se it like that."

"Oh like anything bad--"

The X-Men and mercenary vanished suddenly before Deadpool could finish speaking.

"--Will happen."

Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead looked at their new surroundings, finding themselves in a blue large room that made them look like they shrunk. The two X-Men looked down and saw that they were standing on a crystal surface of sorts. Deadpool did not notice this change.

"And further more!"

"Deadpool." Colossus lightly said.

Wade growled, "Nope. I will not have my authority judged now! I'm not some lameass teacher's pet for McAvoy or Stewart or whoever the hell Xavier is in this timeline! I am my own vigilante!"

"Deadpool." the metal X-Man continued, but Wade raised a hand.

"Plus you're a metal man! How do you have bed fun times? Mustn't be fun for the one night stand am I right?"

Negasonic yelled, "Hey, douchebag!"

"What?!" Deadpool paused.

The three got a look at the random audience. There were seven very confused ponies of different neon colors and a dragon. Three had horns, two had wings, two had none. The third horned pony had wings as well. The dragon was purple and green. Each of them were sitting on crystal chairs that circled the crystal object they were standing on, their jaws agape at the arguing strangers that suddenly appeared.

Of course this left Deadpool with a few choice words.

"What the shit?"

Deadpool Meets the Ponies

'So, yeah. That's how I ended up in this cutesy world. Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead fucked things up and now we're stuck in a parallel dimension until we can figure out how this god-forsaken science crap works.'

'There we were, on top of some magic table made of glass or some crap and there were seven ponies and a god damn baby dragon just sitting there. A freakin' baby dragon! You gotta admit, the fact there was a dragon is awesome!'

'Heh. I still remember every word I said.'

"...Shit! Fuck! Damn it! Son of a bitch!" Deadpool seemed to have gone through every swear word and appeared to have droned on for minutes already, "Mother fucking Christ on a cracker!" he kicked the air for no reason.

Colossus raised his hands, "Calm down, Deadpool. Now is not the time for swearing." he tried to ease the Merc with a Mouth, to no avail once again.

Deadpool raised an accusing finger at the two X-Men, "Cut the shit, Colossus! If you two hadn't decided to show up out of nowhere, this wouldn't have happened!"

Negasonic crossed her arms, "Maybe if you hadn't acted like such a douche this wouldn't have happened. It's your braindead attitude that got us here."

"Oh, so now it's my fault, huh?" Deadpool yelled.

"Actually..." Colossus began, "I agree with Negasonic. You have acted immature. Perhaps the Snickers chocolate can calm you down." he dug into his pocket and pulled out a chocolate bar.

His masked eyes narrowed, Wade snatched the bar out of the metal X-Man's hands and raised his mask a iittle, taking a bite out of it. "Huh. You're right. Y'know, Colossus. Even though you've done nothing of value in the other movies, you're a-okay in my book." he said in a calm tone and patted the confused metal man on the shoulder.

"...What?"

"So, you willing to get these rainbow horses back on track? Looks like you broke their brains. Typical first impression." Negasonic muttered under her breath.

Deadpool gave a thumbs up, "Alright, random cute ponies! Do not worry, I am here for no discernable reason! Now, do any of you have a back-scratcher?"

The ponies and dragon all closed their agape jaws. The cyan mare with a rainbow mane held her hooves to her head. "W-What the hay is even going on?! We were just having a friendly chat and then you decide to show up? What even are you?"

The mercenary extended a hand. "Pool. Dead. Those are my sidekicks Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead." he gestured to the yellow-clad X-Men, "The only X-Men we can afford even though this is a god-damn fanfiction and not a movie. We also hail from the planet known as Earth."

"Sidekick?" Negasonic questioned with a raised eyebrow.

"Negasonic Teenage Warhead..." the pink one gasped, "That is, like, the coolest name ever!"

Deadpool clapped his hands together, "I know right?!"

The pony with wings and a horn shook her head, "Wha-"

"Easy, princess pony. Don't think too hard. We showed by some science mumbo jumbo that warped us here and it totally wasn't me that did it fyi." Deadpool added with a raised finger, "Now, maybe if I learn your names we'd be better."

"T-Twilight S-Sparkle..." Twilight muttered, confused.

Each of them went around and gave their names: Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Starlight Glimmer and the dragon Spike.

Colossus smiled, "It is the pleasure to meet you all. We apologize for having this, uh, meeting like this."

Spike waved a hand, "Don't worry. You actually made things more interesting. I was kinda getting bored just sitting here listening to these conversations."

"Well, I'm glad to have brightened your day. That's what we at Deadpool and Co. Are all about." the red-clad vigilante nodded to the dragon sincerely.

"What are you even talking about?" Starlight asked.

Negasonic sighed, "Don't bother trying to figure this nutcase out. His brain is as small as a peanut."

"Hey, I'll have you know my brain is more the size of a baseball!" countered the Merc with a Mouth.

"I dunno, he and I think alike!" Pinkie said.

Deadpool slid on the table and wrapped an arm around the pink mare, "Something tells me you and I are gonna get along just fine, Pinkster."

"So, Colossus, Negasonic," Twilight hoped to change the subject to something a little more coherent. "Are you friends with mister... Deadpool?" she asked.

"Friends? I just so happen to get stuck dealing with him." the teenager commented. "Every week it's something new coming from him. It's a guessing game."

"We are more like... allies to Deadpool." Colossus added, "I only wish to teach him values to be good hero. I offered him to be in the X-Men countless times to help, but he refused."

"He refused? Wait... What are the X-Men?" Applejack questioned.

"Team of mutants. Basically an excuse to wear the same uniform." Negasonic replied.

"That would explain the yellow. Might I suggest leather black?" Rarity chimed in.

Deadpool chuckled, "You should've seen them before the prequel/sequel/reboot, they refused to wear anything with color." he pointed to the X-Men with him. "But luckily the studio got their act together and realized, 'hey they're superheroes let's give them actual superhero costumes'."

Twilight groaned, "Again! None of us have any idea of what you're talking about!"

"Twilight. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. No one could make sense of my genius." teased Wade, a smile forming under his mask.

"Genius? More like stupidity..." Negasonic muttered under her breath.

"Negasonic..." Colossus muttered. He cleared his throat, "So, what shall we do as long as we're here? There must be a way back to home dimension."

"There's plenty of space here..." Twilight whispered. "Just don't make a mess. Please."

"No promises!" Deadpool yelled. "I'm gonna throw the sickest house party!"

"Can I plan it? We need to welcome you three after all!" Pinkie said, patting Wade on the shoulder.

Laughing, Deadpool nodded, "Pinkster. You can do whatever you want! Party at my place! But first things first, where's the potty? I gotta drop one before it falls to the floor!"

Twilight called out. "Oh sweet Celestia, what have I done?"

"Oh brother..." Colossus and Negasonic said at the same time.

Starlight planted her head on the table, "What is happening?"

The Dream Chapter

'Yep! That's how we got rooms in this crystal castle, or as I like to call it, blatant merchandising. Seriously, there is no reason why this place is so fucking huge! There are hallways within hallways, and probably secret compartments in the utility closet. That mare needs to make a goddamn map for this place.'

'Anyway, with introductions out of the way, we were put into our rooms. For some bizarre, the Sun was already setting and even fell down like it would at the end of a freaking cartoon, where it was literally lowering itself behind a hill and slowly moved even as you looked at it. Also, word of advice, do not look directly at the Sun. Your eyeballs would explode, luckily yours truly can learn that lesson to teach!'

'At least they know my powers...'

"Ah, fuck! My eyes!" Deadpool yelled, rubbing his burning eyelids. They were almost in flames and were bloodshot red. He lowered his head and got to his knees.

"Deadpool, are you alright?" Twilight asked. The ponies all gagged once they saw his burning eyeballs through his lenses, which were now dark red instead of blank white.

The mercenary turned away, "Give me a moment..." with a sharp inhale he calmed himself, feeling his eyes turn back to normal and his eye holes on his mask turning back to their usual white. The Equestrains took a step back.

"W-What happened?" Fluttershy asked through a whisper.

"Healing factor! I can't get hurt!"

"Oh..." Rainbow muttered.

'Unfortunately, the ponies had to watch. It wasn't pretty.'

'So, after that incident, I went in bed what with it being late. You may ask yourself, what does Deadpool even dream about? Well, you're in for a treat! Because I'm about to have a dream chapter!'

"Aw, yeah! Strike!" Deadpool cheered, shooting through the generic mooks within his dream. "I love dreaming!" he turned his head again to get a closer look at something, "Oh hello again dear readers. You might be wondering where we're at now..."

As a goon came closer to him with a charge, Deadpool causally shot him in the head with a single shot, not even turning around, "This is my dream! So freaking cool, right? And the best part is, since we're in cartoonland now, I can do whatever the hell I want in here!"

With a snap of his fingers, Deadpool teleported behind another goon, driving his sword through his back. "Yep! Teleportation! Something tells me I should get something like that when the time comes. Maybe I can get a 'BAMF' belt with Nightcrawler's powers..." he paused, "Hm... Maybe later."

"Plus! I can do this! Get ready for the coolest cameo you'll ever see!" with a wave of his hands, Deadpool summoned a cardboard cutout of another hero, clad in leather black and with metal claws protruding from his wrists. "Shit! I still can't afford to use Wolverine? Come on, dream! This is where the cool shit was supposed to happen! He's not even in the yellow costume!"

Deadpool then heard static, and soon heard a gruff voice come through with slight static in the background, "I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do best isn't very nice." hearing the voice come from the cutout of Wolverine, Wade looked behind it and saw a tape-recorder taped to his back and pulled it out, hearing the same quote.

In anger, he threw down the tape recorder and stepped on it. "That was a recycled voice clip too! This dream is so cheap!" he folded his arms and huffed, "Man, so much for the badass Wolverine cameo. We were supposed to kick ass and have an epic fight scene together and everything."

Deadpool caused the cutout to vanish, "Oh well."

Snickering, Deadpool raised both of his blades, having removed the one through the mook. He saw another army of generic bad guys storming through, "Bring it on, fuckers!" he chanted, running towards them with confidence.

"For myself!" yelled the mercenary.

As Deadpool and the army of bad guy soldiers neared each other, the assassin saw a bright light come in, causing the villains to vanish. "Aw, come on! Right before the epic battle?" he looked up, remembering to shield his eyes.

"What is this dream?" a regal voice asked.

Deadpool saw the light fade, and a blue alicorn descended down to the streets that made up his dream. "I have not seen such a creature like yourself before..." she admitted, "Who are you?"

"Sir Deadpool, miss. Hailing from the planet called Earth, I'm somewhat human, and part mutant. Wait, how the fuck did you end up in my dream? Who the hell are you anyway?" Deadpool greeted and promptly asked in serious confusion.

"I am Princess Luna. I came in here caused I sensed major chaos within this realm. At first, I thought it was Discord pulling another prank on me, but it seems you have a... creative mind. You see, as Princess of the Night, I am able to travel within the dream realm, and go into the dreams of the ponies to aid them. I see I was incorrect when I came in here. My apologies, Mister Deadpool."

The Merc with a Mouth laughed it off, "Ah, it's cool. So, is that why you have a moon on your butt?"

Luna blushed, "Why were you looking there?"

Deadpool shrugged, "It's a moon tattooed to your butt for all to see. Plus, I think you pony-folk might secretly be a nudist colony, so you just have asses out and about. But who am I to judge?"

With a huff, Luna explained, "If you must know, it is a cutie mark. Everypony gets one on their flank when they discovered their true purpose."

"Right. Existentialism and all that junk." Deadpool put a finger on his chin, "I wonder what I would look like as a pony?"

At that moment, something appeared within the dream realm as a result of his imagination. It was a stallion, no horns or wings, he wore a red and black suit and had guns and swords strapped to his barrel. On his flank, was a sword with a picture of his mask in front of it. "Huh. I guess that answers that question." the pony waved and then vanished.

Luna smiled, "You really do have quite the active mind, Deadpool. It seems you are a rather friendly individual." she looked around and saw the bodies of the goons he killed in his dream and frowned, "What is all this?" she asked.

The mercenary laughed nervously, "Oh, this?" he gestured to the corpses. "Nothing, just an art piece. And some pent up issues. They're bad guys, so nothing at all." he assured through a thin lie. "Say... I was about to have an epic battle with the army of Weapon X soldiers, you wanna join me?"

Luna shook her head, "No, I cannot. I must return and make sure my subjects have a good night's rest. Perhaps we'll meet in the real world soon enough." she unfurled her wings and took to the skies, vanishing through a door in midair. "Farewell."

Deadpool blinked, "...Alright." he held out his katanas again, the army rematerializing into existence. All of them yelled swears and planned to kill Deadpool there. "More for me then!"

"Like I said before. Bring it on, fuckers!"

The two sides charged and came close to each other. Deadpool stabbed through three guys and swiftly shot two more fatally. It was the start of quite the epic battle.

But then Deadpool woke back up in his bed, hearing some loud noise, a chicken outside his window. The conversation took all night apparantly. He sat up and yelled, "Damn it!"